THE HANGIN’ BLUES: A Bonanza
Comedy
By Carla Keehn
The three silhouettes stood on top of a desolate range.
The wind whipped around them in a frenzy. Overhead, billowing clouds
marched across the sky, as the upcoming storm inched ever closer.
The dark haired man glanced up and watched for a moment as the dark thunderheads
finished blotting out the last rays of the sun.
The perfect weather . . .he thought. For a hanging . . .
Adam Cartwright turned to the man at his side. “All right, Hoss,”
he said in a monotone, “let’s get this over with. You know how riled
up Pa gets when we’re late for supper. Besides, Hop Sing’s making pot
roast tonight and I want my share.”
His younger brother’s jaw tightened in anger for a moment, then the expression
on Hoss’ face softened. The thought of missing one of Hop Sing’s
meals made Hoss waver about what the two older Cartwright’s were about to
do. He drove the image of the heaping plate of food from his mind,
forcing himself, instead, to concentrate on the task at hand.
“Dadburnit, Adam,” Hoss growled. “You’re rushin’ things – A hangin’
sounded like the right thing to do when we was back at the Ponderosa, but
now I ain’t so sure. I mean, what’s Pa gonna say . . .”
“What’s Pa gonna say?” Adam’s dark eyes flashed angrily. “He’ll thank
us for doing this, that’s what he’s going to say.” He moved closer and
put an encouraging hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Think about it,
Hoss. No more dateless Saturday nights. No more staying
home from a dance because none of the ladies’ll take you seriously.
Once we’re through here, you’re going to have the reputation of quite the
ladies man.” Adam saw the look on his brother’s face and smiled. All
those years he spent at college studying were finally paying off.
“The girls’ll be lining up outside of the Ponderosa to see you, Hoss.
In fact, we’ll probably have to assign some of the hands to stay back at the
ranch just to keep the ladies under control.”
Spellbound by the picture that his brother’s words painted, Hoss nodded
eagerly. “Yeah . . . Imagine that . . . Me – Hoss Cartwright – a ladies
man . . .”
Adam continued speaking. “And let’s not forget about how good this
is going to be for Pa! No more sitting up all night, nursing broken
bones, gunshot wounds, fevers, head injuries or any of that other nonsense
for him – Pa will finally have the time to play the field himself – give him
a chance to look for that fourth wife he’s been hankerin’ for.”
Hoss licked his lips greedily, his breath coming in rapid gasps.
Ladies falling all over him and a new Ma to boot - the future of the Cartwright
family had never looked so good. “Yeah . . .”
Thunder began to rumble around them, interrupting the man’s reveries. Reluctantly,
Hoss let go of his dream and straightened. “Dadgumit, Adam, stop this
jawing and hand me that noose – we gotta a hangin’ to finish!”
The horses neighed nervously as a dissenting voice rang out.
“Hey! Wait a minute here – don’t I get a say in this?”
Their mood of celebration was suddenly broken. Both Cartwrights turned
and stared at the intruder in disgust.
“No, you don’t!” Hoss whined. “Dadburnit, Joe, you ain’t messin’
things up this time – we’re gonna hang ya and that’s all there is to it -
-“
Sitting astride of his painted horse, Little Joe Cartwright looked at his
brothers and shook his head sadly. He wouldn’t be in the
fix he was in now if Adam hadn’t caught him and Mary Beth Lambe making out
behind the barn three nights earlier.
How was he supposed to know that Adam had asked Mary Lambe for a date on
Saturday night? It wasn’t his fault that Mary preferred the youngest
Cartwright son. And so what if the bodice of Mary Beth’s dress
was loose? It’s not like he’d gotten any farther than that with her.
Joe let out a labored sigh - his brothers never did understand what a burden
it was to be the most handsome and most loved of the Cartwright family.
But that was the problem – that was always the problem between him and his
brothers. The ladies always preferred Joe whether he wanted them to
or not. It wasn’t his fault that he’d inherited the best genes that
both his parents had had to offer.
He tried to reason with Adam a hundred times since that night but to no
avail. Even Hoss, who generally took his side of things,
had agreed with Adam. Poor Hoss, who couldn’t get a date unless
the girl was homely or could be bribed, had been easily swayed by Adam’s
arguments for the hanging.
“Just ignore him, Hoss and throw the noose around his neck,” Adam ordered.
“You’ve talked your way out of a lot of situations, Joe, but there’s no way
you’re going to get out of this one - -“
“But - -“ Joe bit his lip nervously. “We’re brothers - - family -
- blood is thicker than water, remember?” He continued to ramble.
“We're supposed to stick together, isn’t that what Pa taught us?”
“That blood’s a lot thinner than it used to be, Joe,” Adam shot back in
annoyance as he mentally reviewed all the fiancees, girlfriends and wives
that had draped themselves over Joe. And what did Adam get?
Laura – one lousy wife to be who ended up running off with Cousin Will!
She didn’t even have the decency to die a dramatic death like most of the
others had. His only shot at wedded bliss and milking every ounce
of sympathy he could out of his family and the Cartwright curse had failed
him. Some repayment for the countless number of times that
he’d had to watch everyone fall all over themselves comforting Joe.
“Adam’s right, Joe,” Hoss chimed in, his mind still savoring the romantic
conquests of the future. “This is something we’ve gotta do.”
Hoss puffed his chest out proudly. “I mean, you’re kinda scrawny, little
brother. Now take me for instance – I’m manly looking and with you out
of the way, them females’ll see just how handsome a big guy like me is!”
There’d only been a couple of ladies that Hoss had proposed to in the past
and both of them had run off not long after. He’d decided
that it was best to treat future girlfriends like horses – you had to test
out a lot of them before deciding on any particular one.
Joe shifted uncomfortably as he chafed against the ropes that were binding
his hands. No amount of fast-talking was going to save him.
It was time for his second line of attack.
“Please, don’t do this – I’m not asking for me, but for Pa . . .”
Joe’s lower lip quivered. “Think of what this will do to him . . .”
“Here we go again!” Adam rolled his eyes heavenward. “Save the
wear and tear on your lip, little brother. Hoss and I aren’t
falling for that routine.”
Joe looked past Adam to his other brother. Adam’s expression was stony
and determined. However, the mention of their father had caused a change
in Hoss, a change that didn’t escape Joe’s notice.
“Wait a minute, Adam,” Hoss broke in. “Maybe he’s right, maybe
we ain’t stopped to consider what hangin’ Joe will do to our Pa . . .”
Adam shook his head grimly. “We’ve been all through this, Hoss!
You know what hangin’ Joe means to Pa? It means freedom, brother.
Freedom from all the worries that having Joe around brings.” He took
a firm hold of Hoss’ arm. “Pa’s a man too, with eh, manly feelings -
-“ Adam paused to see if his brother got the point. “He can’t
indulge those feelings if he’s always sitting by Joe’s bedside, begging our
dear little brother to rejoin us in the land of the living.”
“Yeah . . .” Hoss said, his face wrinkled up as he thought about what
Adam was saying. “Hard to remember sometimes that Pa might be interested
in something else besides us and the ranch.”
“Come off it, Adam!” Joe shot back. It was time for him to get
to the root of the problem. “Face it - the fact is that you two are
just jealous of me. I mean, with me being the heart of the Ponderosa
and all, no one gives either one of you much thought, right?”
“The heart of the Ponderosa? Pardon me while I get sick to my stomach
. . .” Adam got a pained look on his face. “Jealous? You wish,
little brother. We both know that my quiet personality and dark brooding
looks is what drives the girls wild – not your reckless immaturity!”
“The truth hurts, don’t it?” Joe continued proudly, knowing that he’d
struck a nerve in his oldest brother. “Everyone knows that without
me, there wouldn’t be any reason for life to go on at the ranch. Ask any of
the fan fiction writers, they’ll tell you the same thing!”
“Pfui!” Adam spat. “What do they know!”
“A lot more than you! They know more about our family than we do!”
Joe took a deep breath. “Besides, if you’re not worried about Pa, you
oughta be thinkin’ about what my not being around will do to Virginia City.”
Hoss glanced uneasily at Adam. The oldest Cartwright son looked
at Joe warily.
“You’re supposed to be so educated, Adam,” Joe continued, “so think about
it. All those times that I’m laid up, you, Hoss and Pa, ain’t working.
That means we have to hire more hands. More visits from Doc Martin.
Hop Sing’s gotta buy more supplies ‘cause Hoss is around the house more.
Seems to me that my being around is awful important to the vitality of Virginia
City.” He paused for effect. “I mean, without me,
Doc Martin alone would be out of business in less than a month.
He’s out at the Ponderosa so much that he’s never had time build up his practice
– we’re the only patients he has!”
This was angle that the two older brothers had never considered before.
Hoss suddenly looked frightened. The last thing he wanted was to be
the cause of an economic decline in Virginia City. “I ain’t never thought
about it that way, have you, Adam?”
“He’s bluffing, Hoss! Trying to make you have second thoughts.” Adam scowled
at his youngest brother. “We’ll take our chances, Joe. In fact,
I’m willing to break a few bones to tide Doc Martin over until he gets other
patients.” He turned to his brother. “How about you, Hoss, you’ll
pitch in too, right? Get thrown off your horse, stomped on by some cattle,
just to give the good doctor some variety.” Adam smiled wickedly.
“And by the way, little brother, there’s a flaw in your fancy thinking.”
“There is?” Hoss and Joe both blurted out at the same time.
“It’s obvious if you think about it!” Adam snapped. “None of
Joe’s dire predictions will ever come true – you know why?” He turned
back to Joe. “Without you and all the extra expenses that your little
escapades involve, dear brother, we’ll have more money than we do now to spend
in town. And when we’re not in town,” he nudged Hoss in the ribs, “we’re
gonna be having parties at the ranch, savoring the endless parade of ladies
that will be our guests.”
The dreamy expression returned to Hoss’ face. So many
pretty fillies to pick from – it was going to be Christmas every day as far
as he was concerned.
Meanwhile, Joe shifted uncomfortably. The sudden change
in Hoss meant that things were turning against him again. And Adam was
making too much sense to suit him.
There was a look of triumph on Adam’s face. “And I think that Pa will agree
with me that having Doc Martin on hand at these parties would be wise, just
in case someone stubs their toe. Besides, we all know that all any one
of us has to do is just look at a girl and she’s fair game for the family
curse. No, Joe, I think that Doc Martin is going to have
more business than he can handle in the future.”
“It’s settled then,” Hoss cut in breathlessly. He could
hardly wait to get back to the ranch and start planning for their first party.
“Hand me that noose and let’s get this over with.”
Joe swallowed nervously. He felt a large drop of rain hit him in the
back. He was certain they were tears from heaven – It was
a small comfort, at least, that his departed sweethearts and fiancees above
were willing to shed a tear for him, even if his own brothers wouldn’t.
He looked up and saw a cloud of swirling dust coming towards them.
Joe smiled. “Looks like your necktie party is about to be interrupted,
older
brother . . .”
The brothers watched nervously as the cloud of dust took shape until it
finally was recognizable to all of them.
Adam swore under his breath and the two brothers exchanged a worried look.
“Dadgumit, Adam – it’s Pa!” Hoss said fearfully.
“This is your fault!” Adam barked. “If you hadn’t spent so much time
talking, we’d a had Joe hung and been on our way back home long before now!”
Hoss bristled. He hated it when Adam made sense.
Little Joe was savoring the moment as he watched his brothers anxious anticipation
of their father’s arrival. Relief flooded through the youngest son.
Deep inside, he’d known all along that his father would save him – just as
he had been there for Joe so many times before.
“You two are in for it now!” Joe commented, shaking his head sadly.
“Pa’d just as soon cut his heart out then see something happen to his youngest
child -–“ Joe paused for effect. He never missed an opportunity
to rub in his favored status in the family. “EVERYONE knows that Pa
loves ME best - -I don’t think he’s gonna be too happy about this.”
The cloud of dust was swirling to a stop as Ben Cartwright’s horse came
to a screetching halt. Above them, the thunder and lightening
danced from cloud to cloud across the sky in anticipation, perhaps, of the
elder Cartwright’s wrath.
“Howdy, Pa,” Hoss mumbled first. “We ain’t late for supper again,
are we?”
“Shut up, Hoss!” Adam said tersely.
Cartwright glanced up at Joe on the horse, then at his two other sons.
He gave them a curt nod in greeting.
The three Cartwright sons stood still, like statues, as they all waited
for their father to speak. Contrary to Joe’s predictions, however,
the family patriarch didn’t seem very upset about the tableau that he’d interrupted.
“Boys . . . I’ve got bad news.” Ben said solemnly before pausing to
take a deep breath. “I hate to tell you this . . .
You know I was looking forward to this just as much as you . . .but . . .
the hanging is off!”
“B-but, Pa, why?” Hoss stuttered. His dream of becoming
a ladies man was dimming fast.
“Pa, we discussed this – we all agreed this was the best thing for everyone
in the family,” Adam rambled.
“Everyone except me!” Joe stammered nervously. He’d known all
his life how jealous his brothers were of him but the shock of finding out
that his father felt the same way sent him reeling inside.
Adam gave Joe a threatening look, then turned back to his father, crossing
his arms impatiently as he waited for an explanation from the older man.
“I know what we agreed to but I found out some disturbing information in
town today, information so important that it forces us to change our plans
for Joe.”
“What could be more important then getting rid of old green eyes, Pa?” Adam
asked sarcastically.
“Yeah, Pa,” Hoss chimed in. “I ain’t had a chance yet to enjoy
the attentions of any of them ladies yet – we gotta hang him, Pa, we just
gotta - -“
Ben’s face contorted in pain. It grieved him so to cause any of his
sons heartache.
“I’m just as disappointed as you are,” Ben said in his most fatherly
of voices. “I had a date myself, all lined up for tonight, that will
probably have to be cancelled. I feel certain that I’ll be up
with Joe tonight watching him twist in agony because of those minor rope burns
on his wrist.”
The corners of Joe’s mouth curved upward. He’d been thinking
that very same thing as he sat there listening to his father and brothers
talk.
Adam decided that he wasn’t going down without a fight. “Give me one
good reason why we can’t hang him, Pa!”
“Well, boys,” their father began, “it’s like this. While I was
waiting for Roy Coffee to remove the bodies from the bank so I could deposit
the payroll
money - -“
“Bodies?” Hoss interrupted. “Somethin’ happen at the bank today,
Pa?”
Ben shrugged. “Nothing out of the ordinary, son. While
I was in line, three wanted outlaws burst in and tried to rob the Virginia
City bank. As luck would have it, Roy’s deputies were in line
at the same time so they took care of the robbers while the rest of us got
to enjoy a good shootout.”
“You coulda been killed, Pa!” Hoss exclaimed.
Ben shook his head. “I’m fine, son, just fine.”
“You’re an amazing man, Pa,” Adam added. “Trouble seems to follow
you everywhere and yet you always make it through without a scratch.”
“I do seem to be lucky. Unlike some other member of the family - -“
Ben shot a look at Joe. “Anyway, like I started to tell you, while
I was waiting for the bank to reopen, I stopped in and had a chat with Miss
Cleo.”
“Miss Cleo, the fortune teller?” Adam asked in disbelief.
“You mean that gal that looks at all them funny cards and tells you your
future?” Hoss added.
Ben nodded. “The very same. Miss Cleo is a lovely young lady
and I knew that business had been slow so and, since I had so much time on
my hands, I stopped in and had my fortune told.”
“What’s this got to do with Joe?” Adam barked.
“If you’ll stop interrupting, son, I’ll tell you!” Ben snapped back.
“Naturally, I asked Miss Cleo for a deluxe reading . . .” he stopped and shook
his head. “I don’t know how else to tell you except to just come out
and say it - -according to the cards, we can’t hang Joe because - -“
“Because WHAT - -“ Adam and Hoss demanded.
“Because in about, oh, eight years or so, your brother is going to be leaving
the Ponderosa and starting a family of his own.”
“Is that all?” Adam replied, disappointed. “Pa, that doesn’t matter,
we can still hang him. Hoss and me’ll have a family just as soon as
one of us beats the curse and gets a girl through the wedding and honeymoon
alive.”
“No, boys, you don’t understand. This family of Joseph’s,
it’s not part of our family. Your brother,” Ben continued, his eyes
coming to rest on his youngest son,” is going to be leaving the Ponderosa
so he can go and live in a Little House on the Prairie!”
“You mean . . .” Hoss whispered in a reverent voice.
“That’s right son. Next to us and the Waltons, your brother is going
to father one of the most popular families in television history.” He
nodded thoughtfully. “So you see, boys, I’m afraid we can’t hang Joseph.”
“Dadburnit!” Hoss said, kicking the dirt in disappointment.
Joe straightened in his saddle. Eight more years of being the heart
of Ponderosa and then on to even greater things – life was good and the future
rosy for the youngest son of Ben Cartwright.
Ben saw the disappointment in Hoss and Adam’s faces. He put a hand
on each of their shoulders and gave an encouraging squeeze.
“Now, boys, there’s no sense in letting this little setback get you down,”
Ben said soothingly. “Adam, I saw a cute, Indian squaw in
town that looked to be just to your liking – give you chance at that interracial
storyline you’ve been hankering for.”
“Thanks, Pa . . .” Adam mumbled. He thought for a moment.
Of course, with his track record, there’d be no permanent future for him and
the Indian squaw but, maybe, a little practice in the romance department was
just what he needed to ease his disappointment over the aborted hanging.
Ben turned to his middle son. “And, Hoss, I’m going to let everyone
in town know that you’ll be getting the biggest share of the family’s fortune
– that’ll get the ladies interested for sure. And we’ll have a big party,
this Saturday night, and make the announcement about your inheritance then.”
“Thanks, Pa!” Hoss replied appreciatively. After an announcement
like that, he knew that the ladies would be knocking each other over to get
some attention from Hoss Cartwright, the HEIR of the family fortune.
Hoss liked the sound of his new title.
“And as for you, Joseph . . .” Ben shook his head. What
could he say? His youngest was still a treasure to be held close to
his heart even if it did mean that Ben couldn’t date as often as he liked.
“Cut your brother free and let’s go home . . .”
At that moment, the storm stopped and rays of golden light began to break
through the clouds. The sky was painted in hues of orange and
red as another traumatic day came to a close and the four Cartwrights, Ben,
Adam, Hoss and Little Joe, rode into the sunset towards home.
The End
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