Reflections
By: Claire
Almost
before the buggy stopped, the man in the grey suit jumped down from the
driver’s seat and rushed into the house.
“Joe!
Joe?” There was a touch of desperation in his voice when no one answered. The
ring of his boot heels sounded hollow on the polished wood floor and his voice
seemed to echo around the emptiness of the room. Standing still, Adam
Cartwright looked slowly around and assessed the situation. Nothing appeared to
have changed, but he knew that was not true. Everything was irrevocably altered
and life on the Ponderosa would never be the same again.
*******************
Since
leaving the ranch several years before, Adam had led a busy, but unsettled
life. He’d travelled widely, first around
Sure
enough, the moment he opened the door to his narrow hallway, Adam saw a letter
addressed in his father’s distinctive handwriting. He tore it open and eagerly
began to read the contents.
My dear son,
It is with great pain in my heart that I
write this letter. Ten days ago, your brother Joseph was seriously injured in
an accident. He was storing nitro-glycerine when one of the bottles was knocked
over, resulting in a ferocious explosion. Joseph was lucky to escape with his
life, but he received a severe injury to his head.
Adam, there is no easy way to tell you this.
Your brother is blind. At first, the doctor was hopeful Joseph's sight would
return, but this now seems less likely with each day that passes. I did not
wish to burden you with this sad news until we knew for certain, but I do not
believe that Joseph will ever see again.
I cannot describe the pain and anguish your
brother is going through…
Adam
could not read anymore. For some reason, the words on the page started to blur
into one another, becoming indistinct and impossible to decipher. His fingers
no longer seemed to belong to him and the letter fell to the floor as Adam
stared into space, trying to conquer the turmoil in his soul. Eventually, he
gathered himself together, got up slowly and retrieved his valise from the hall
floor. Discarding its contents onto his bed, he quickly packed few clean
garments and then hurried out, determined to begin the long journey home as
soon as possible. In his haste, he left the letter lying forgotten on the floor
of the empty apartment.
*******************
Standing
in the great room of the Ponderosa, Adam began to feel uneasy. Where was everyone?
Had Pa taken Joe to
“Talking
to yourself, big brother?” remarked a familiar voice and Adam spun around to
see Joe standing by the dining table, a cup of steaming coffee in either hand.
“Thought
you might be able to use some coffee after your long journey,” Joe continued.
His words were nonchalant and the tone of his voice was kept purposefully
light, but the warm, welcoming smile on his face clearly displayed the depth of
his emotions. He carefully put both cups on the table and moved across the room
with quick, long strides to enfold his brother in a fierce hug. “It’s been a
long time, brother.”
“Too
long.” Adam could not say anymore. He returned the embrace briefly, then gently
eased Joe away, holding him at arms length and studying him closely. Little
appeared to have changed: Joe was as handsome as ever, his face appeared
unchanged and his eyes appeared to dart mischievously as he grinned wickedly at
his brother.
Adam
stifled a sigh as he thought of the small boy who would hold trustingly onto
his hand, secure in the knowledge that his brother would look after him. He had
thought those days were long passed, but now it seemed Joe would need all the
love, guidance and support his family could provide.
Under
Adam's intense gaze, Joe began to feel slightly uneasy. Of course, Adam had
always appeared to have the uncanny ability of being able to see into the
deepest recesses of his recalcitrant younger brother’s mind. A small smile
crept across Joe’s face: this was ridiculous! He was a grown man, with nothing
to feel guilty about. Well, nothing that Adam could possibly know about…
Planting
his hands on his hips, Joe returned his brother’s gaze steadily. Green eyes met
brown and for a few moments it was as if they were boys once more, daring one
another to see who would blink first. And then, struck by the ludicrous nature
of this behaviour, Joe began to chuckle. As ever, the sound of his distinctive
giggle provoked an equal and equivalent reaction in his listener. It was
impossible to listen to Joe laugh and not join in, Adam though. Some things
never changed and Joe still had a laugh that could scare hens from laying!
But
things had changed, Adam realised, changed forever. Joe was blind and nothing
could alter that. Adam exhaled sharply and then staggered slightly as all his
strength seemed to desert him. He grasped desperately at Joe’s forearm to
steady himself.
Choking
back an expression of concern, Joe eased his brother into a chair and knelt before
him. “Adam? Are you alright?”
He
nodded mutely, not able to talk.
“You
gave me one heck of a fright there, big brother. You’ve gone as white as a
sheet! For a moment there, I thought you were going to pass out on me."
Adam’s
head swung up sharply and he cupped Joe’s face between his hands, studying him
intently. “You can see?” It was neither quite statement nor query. Joe nodded
and laid a gentle hand on his brother’s knee.
“My
sight came back three weeks ago. I’d given up hope, but the Doc always said
there was a chance…”
Joe's
voice trailed off as he remembered the day he woke up to see a crisp, clear
world. The day when his life began anew. He looked at the man seated before him
and suddenly realised that Adam had no knowledge of this. “Pa wrote to you,
Adam! He wrote that very day! Didn’t you get the letter?”
Adam just shook his head once more, not able to trust his voice. For the first time in many years he let tears flow freely down his face as he hugged his brother once again, this time with a heart bursting with joy.
*******************
That
night, Ben lay in bed, reflecting on the momentous day. He had returned home to
find his eldest son sitting by the fireside, looking for all the world as if he
had only been away for a brief trip, rather than an absence of several years.
For sure, Adam looked older and he was obviously tired, but he was home! Even
if it was only for a visit, Adam was home! To Ben it was as if an almost
imperceptible hole in the fabric of life on the Ponderosa had disappeared,
leaving the warp and weft intact and perfect once more. It was the fulfilment
of a deep-held dream, one that Ben had never allowed himself to even consider
since the day Adam had ridden out of the yard, to pursue his own, independent
desires.
*******************
It did
not take long for the three brothers to ease back into their old, joking
relationships.
“What is
it with you and nitro-glycerine?” Adam teased. “Isn’t it enough that you turned
Pa’s hair white – are you trying to do the same to Hoss?”
Joe just
rolled his eyes in his inimitable way and then glared in mock anger at his
brother. The gestures were such an innate part of Joe, such an essential part
of his character that Adam felt chilled to realise how easily he might never have
seen them again, how simply they could have disappeared and he tried to repress
a shudder.
Hoss
noticed his reaction and intuitively understood what Adam was thinking. A man
of few words, Hoss had an affinity with emotions in their pure state and he knew
his reserved brother was struggling to keep his emotions under control. Seeking
to lighten the atmosphere, he joked,
“You
should know by now that there’s alus fireworks goin’ off when Joe’s around!
Sides which, Adam, seems to me that you ain’t got that much hair to worry about
goin’ grey!”
Adam
laughed and ran his hand ruefully over his thining crown. “I think Joe’s going
to be the only one of your sons who doesn’t go thin on top, Pa!” He reached
over and playfully ruffled Joe’s curls. “Still, he might just go grey!”
Watching as Joe attempted to smooth his hair back into place, Ben sat back, listening contentedly to the sound of his sons’ voices.
*******************
Stretching
luxuriously in his bed, Ben got immense comfort from the knowledge that all
three of his boys were safe under his roof once more. He just hoped that Adam
would realise the painful journey Joe had come through. Adam was not always the
most tolerant person where his youngest brother was concerned and Ben worried
that he would not fully appreciate the full horror of the experience Joe had
come through.
In the
first few weeks after the accident, Joe had been despondent, tormenting himself
with the notion that Adam could not bear the thought of a crippled brother. In
vain, Ben had sought to provide comfort, but Joe had literally pushed him away.
Suffused with grief and self-pity, Joe had pushed everyone away, physically and
mentally. Not even Hoss could breach the walls Joe seemed determined to build
around himself, in a dogged attempt for complete isolation from the outside
world.
Ben
thought of his three very different sons: each one an individual, yet tied by a
common bond of family. Hoss was always more content to sit back and observe
life or to assist, rather than to readily engage. His love was given freely and
without question, he was slow to anger but quick to fight against any injustice
and these were qualities which made him an invaluable friend and defender. He
was a man whose obvious outer strength was matched by his inner resoluteness
and sense of fair play. Yet even Hoss had been sorely tried by Joe's attitude
as his brother railed against his cruel fate.
Adam had
a moral core that influenced all his actions, a strong sense of purpose and a
driving desire to make his mark in the world. If that had to be achieved
independently, then Adam was willing to make the sacrifice and leave his
family. Ben knew it had been a wrench for Adam to leave home and travel far
away, but his first-born would never chose the easy route in life. For Adam,
challenges were there to be overcome, albeit with careful preparation, planning
and execution
Sometimes
Ben worried that Adam was a little too restrained, too afraid to let his
emotions show. Perhaps it was his fault: had the hardships and tragedies of his
early life made Adam afraid to show his feelings to the world? Had they caused
him to believe his love should be repressed, for fear any vulnerability on his
part would harm others?
The same
could not be said of Joe! Ben smiled and snuggled down deeper under warmth of
the covers. From the moment he was born, Joe had let everyone know exactly how
he felt about life. Happy, sad, despondent, concerned, exhilarated: Joe
experienced life to the full and his family vicariously shared in his turmoils
and triumphs. In stark contrast to both his brothers, Joe was eager to meet
challenges head-on, scarcely pausing to think, a trait which had a tendency to
land him in trouble.
Just as
he was mulling over the very different personalities of his sons, a soft noise
from downstairs caught Ben’s ear. It was almost
“Once a
father, always a father!” he thought, casting a regretful look at his warm bed.
*******************
The only
light came from the dying embers of the fire, but Ben could just make out a
figure seated on the hearth. Of course, he realised, Joe had no need to light a
lamp, he knew every inch of the house by heart. It had been a shock for his son
to discover that without his sight the house was filled with pitfalls for the
unwary. Joe had realised that even the most basic tasks like moving from the
living room to the dining room without walking into furniture was an art he had
to first learn and then to practice, time after time, after time.
"How
little we actually see," Ben thought, as he went quietly down the stairs.
“Joe? Is everything alright, son?” His voice was full of concern.
“I’m
fine,
He took
the poker and stirred the dying embers idly, watching with evident fascination
as they broke open, sprang into flame and glowed bright vermilion. “After the
accident, I discovered I didn’t know who I was anymore, or even what I was. I’d just gone blithely
through life, never really worrying about anything and then suddenly, when I
was faced with a challenge, I just fell apart.” The poker fell to the hearth
with a clatter. “I didn’t much like the man I was then. I still don’t.” Joe
stared blankly at his bare feet and pulled his nightshirt taut over his knees.
“But you
came through that storm, son. You fought your way past a greater adversity than
I have faced or could even imagine facing, far less conquering and you’re a
stronger man because of it! Never doubt that, never!” Ben’s voice trembled
slightly and he stood up. “I’m going to have a glass of brandy. Would you like
one?”
Joe
nodded and watched as the lamplight glinted off the crystal decanter. He’d
never really liked brandy that much, the very aroma brought back memories of
Julia Bulette and his reckless, hedonistic youth. Yet, given the chance, would
he change a single thing about his life? Even the most painful memories could
bring a strange comfort and solace.
“That
fireplace isn’t exactly the softest seat in the house, is it? Why don’t you
move onto the sofa?” Ben suggested, handing across a generous measure of
brandy, before seating himself in his chair beside the hearth. Joe rolled the
glass around in his hand, watching the way the liquid swirled around and then
slowly ran down the sides, leaving just a faint residue, a vague memory of its
presence.
“I’m
fine here, really.” He wouldn’t say it, but tonight Joe just wanted to be close
to his father.
Ben
patted him gently on the knee, glad of the opportunity to share time with his
son. “I was thinking about Miss Dobbs." He smiled as he pictured the
remarkable, indefatigable Ellen Dobbs. The woman who had literally given him
back his beloved son.
Joe
smiled softly. “She sure was some lady. One incredible lady! She taught me to
look at things in a different way, even if couldn’t see them. And she made me
realise that my life wasn’t over, it was just going to be different. It was a
valuable lesson.” He turned to look at his father intently. “We sure were lucky
with Miss Dobbs, weren’t we? I … I’m going to miss her – a lot.”
“We were
indeed blessed with Miss Dobbs, Joseph. I think we’ll all miss her. Mind you, I
do seem to remember you put up a certain amount of resistance.”
Joe didn’t
miss the laughter that filled his father’s words. “I agree! I did behave like a
child – and a spoilt, badly behaved child at that.”
Actually,
he’d done a lot more than that, Joe thought. He’d riled furiously against fate,
wallowed in self-pity and then lashed out at anyone who tried to help. And all
the while he had vehemently denied his blindness was anything less than
temporary. He had refused to accept the inevitable and rejected all attempts to
ease his burden of pain.
“How did
you put up with me?” he asked curiously.
Ben
thought deeply before replying. How could he have done otherwise? Joe’s pain
had been so obvious and for once his father was powerless to help him. When Joe
had refused all attempts by his family to help him, Ben was forced to look
outside. How could he gamble with something he could not replace? He would have
done anything, gone anywhere, spent any amount of money, if there were a chance
he could help Joe.
“Well,
we could see how much you were suffering. You were building walls to keep
everyone away and yet it was so clear that you needed someone to find breach
the barricades and then show you how to take them down, stone by stone. And you
needed help to build strong foundations for your new life. But most of all, you
were still the same Joseph underneath all that anger – you just had to realise
that. I could never stop loving you, no matter how hard you pushed me away.”
Joe
thought for a moment and then said wistfully, “She sure was stubborn, wasn’t
she? Miss Dobbs, I mean?”
Ben
almost choked on a mouthful of brandy. Joe seemed totally impervious of the
irony of his statement though. “I think that’s a very necessary quality in a
teacher,” he replied after a moment to compose himself.
“She was
more than a teacher to me.” Joe put the brandy glass down on the table and
began to pace up and down restlessly. Ben leant back in his chair and began to
pack his pipe with slow, methodical movements, watching his son intently, yet
unobtrusively.
“Miss
Dobbs taught me a lot of things, practical things, of course she did. But that
was just a part of what she did. She taught me to see the world as somewhere
full of opportunities, not obstacles.” Joe stopped and turned to face his
father. “Julia once told me not to try to change the world, but to enjoy it the
way it is. I kept thinking of that, when I worked with Miss Dobbs.”
Julia
Bulette! For a long time, Ben had resented her influence on his son, but now he
was grateful her memory had afforded Joe some comfort.
“Remember
that book Adam used to read - Pilgrim’s Progress? Well, I guess I was stuck in
the Slough of Despond or the
Joe fell
silent. He’d fought his way back to life, to his life, long before his sight returned. He had been forced to
acknowledge the end of his old life and to accepting his new existence, with
all its limitations. It was a hard and painful realisation, but then births and
deaths usually are. With that acceptance came a sense of relief and almost
paradoxical freedom. He didn’t need to pretend any more. The time for fighting
was past. Joe thought how strange it was that he should keep remembering Julia
Bulette: that relationship was long past, yet she too had set him free,
although in a very different way.
“I guess
Miss Dobbs was like a second mother to me,” he ventured, wondering if his
father would understand. Ben nodded encouragingly and Joe continued. “She
taught me, but it was more than that. Miss Dobbs let me make my own decisions
and watched me make mistakes but she never gave up on me. And she made me hold
my hold my head up – literally and figuratively!”
Ben
chuckled appreciatively. “Ellen Dobbs was probably the most stubborn person
ever to set foot on the Ponderosa! With the possible exception of your mother!”
Ducking his
head down, Joe drew a pattern on the floor with his big toe. “I really loved
her, you know.” It was hard enough to put into words, without looking at his
father at the same time, but it was true. In many ways Ellen Dobbs had acted as
a second mother to Joe, accepting him for who he was, despite his many
failings. The famous Joe Cartwright charm had been noticeable by its absence,
but Miss Dobbs saw the hurt and pain behind Joe’s surly attitude and had taught
her pupil to look beyond the merely physical and to seek out the true, inner
core. It was a lesson Joe would never forget.
*******************
Like his
father and brother, Adam found sleep an elusive quality that evening. Hearing
voices, he decided to join them. As he neared the top of the staircase, Joe
called out in low tones,
“You
awake too, Adam?”
“How did
you know it was me?” Adam enquired, joining his brother on the hearth, eager to
share in the dying warmth of the fire
“Footsteps
are very distinctive,” Joe explained. “You’ve been favouring your right leg all
day. Is your back sore after that long journey?”
Adam
nodded, still finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that Joe had been
forced to acquire new skills in order to be able to function independently. It
was almost impossible to imagine the reckless, heedless, impulsive Joe planning
everything meticulously and Adam could vividly imagine the traumas his whole
family must have endured. He felt guilty that he had not been there to share
them or to try to ease some of the burden.
“I’m
glad you’re back, Adam,” Joe said, interrupting his brother’s thoughts. “But I
really wouldn’t have wanted you to see me the way I was then. I wasn’t the
easiest person to live with.”
“You
never were!” Adam responded, trying his best to make inject some levity into
the conversation. He was always uncomfortable discussing emotions. “And I
should know! After all, I used to have to get you out of bed in the mornings,
remember?” He got up and poured himself a glass of brandy to help ward off the
chill night air. “Would you really have left home to take up that teaching
position at the Institute?” he asked curiously.
Joe
considered this for a moment. “I think I would have had to. Losing my sight
totally changed everything – the whole balance of my life altered and starting
a new life, somewhere completely different was the only way forward that I
could think of.”
“I’m
glad it didn’t come to that,” Adam said. “You’re a part of the Ponderosa and I
can’t imagine how it could continue without you.”
“Neither
can I,” Ben said. After nearly losing Joe, first to the terrible accident and
then to his black depression, the thought of his son physically leaving the
ranch had almost broken his heart. “But I would have gladly seen you off to a
new life, if you felt that was the right thing to do. You do know that, don’t
you? I would have missed you dreadfully, but I would have rejoiced to see you
happy and fulfilled.”
Adam
gave his father a grateful smile, knowing the words were also a testimony to
his own decision to leave the Ponderosa and lead an independent life.
He
turned to Joe. “You’ve got a rare gift for delighting in life sharing your
emotions with us, little brother, and I’ve often envied you that. And you live
life with a recklessness and joy I can never hope to achieve. Maybe I’m being
selfish, but I’m glad you’re still here at home, rather than working at the
Institute.”
Adam
stopped and thought deeply for a moment. This was not easy for him to say, but
he knew it was necessary. “When I read that letter from Pa, I didn’t think, I
just acted on pure instinct – and love,” Adam continued. “But even if I had
stopped for a moment, I couldn’t have written the words that I felt, that I
wanted to say. The only thing I could do was to come home, to be with you.” He
wanted to say more, but…
Joe
looked stunned at this revelation. He had always viewed Adam as the brother who
was good with words, who could explain things coherently and was basically
infallible. It was more than a little disconcerting to realise that Adam too
had his limitations. All his life Joe had been the youngest child, the one who
felt he never quite measured up to the high standards set by his brothers, the
one who fought to be recognised and treated as an adult. It came as a shock to realise
that his elder brother envied him.
But he
also realised that Adam had always avoided talking about his emotions,
preferring to demonstrate his love through actions. Joe realised why Adam had
rushed home so precipitously.
“Thanks,
Adam,” he said simply, appreciating how difficult this was for his brother. “I
love you too.”
Those
words had always come easily to Joe, Adam thought enviously. Then he looked at
his brother and quickly revised his opinion. Joe’s eyes were bright with tears.
Blinking
hard, Joe muttered, “Big boys don’t cry!” then drew the sleeve of his
nightshirt across his face.
A
plaintive voice called down from the landing.
“Hey Pa!
This here little boy’s got a powerful hunger!”
Listening
to the sounds of amiable bickering coming from the kitchen, Ben felt a rare
sense of fulfilment and contentment. His sons were safe and happy and Adam and
Joe seemed to have reached an understanding and mutual respect. Life seemed
very good.
He leant
back and blew a smoke ring, watching it as it rose lazily towards the high
ceiling. Thoughts of Marie, who had given birth to Joe and loved him so
fiercely sprung unbidden to his mind. How he missed her! And then he saw Julia
Bulette, all swishing silk skirts and feisty attitude, whispering “I am going
to give you back your son.”
Would
Joe have gone? Ben decided he really didn’t know. Finally, he thought of Ellen
Dobbs, the woman who had given his son back his pride in himself and in doing
so, had literally given Joe back his life. Three very different women. But Ben
felt that he owed each of them a profound debt and he would never forget them.
He closed his eyes and gave a silent prayer of thanks for all his sons.
*******************
Much later,
Adam banked up the fire and took a last look around before going up to bed. The
room was empty once more, just as it had been that morning, but now he knew
what was missing from his life. Now he could face challenges with a new purpose
and resolve. It was peculiar how a return to the familiar surroundings had
crystallised all his confusions and provided him with a solution to his unease.
It had taken a near tragedy for Adam to realise that all he needed was right
here.
Stopping
outside Joe’s bedroom door, Adam whispered “I love you too, little brother,”
and then went to bed with a light and joyous heart. He was home at last.
The
End