A Gynaecological
Disaster
“Quick, Pa,” Hoss shouted throwing open the door to the
Ponderosa ranch house. Ben woke from a nap with a start. He glared at Hoss, who
went on, obliviously, “Joe’s bin hurt!”
This was indeed a tragedy and Ben jumped to his feet,
visions of a nice Joe/Pa moment popping into his head. They didn’t seem to have
had one of those for quite some time, and the fans demanded a regular dose of
them.
The Giggly Sisters, who had been drinking coffee at the
dining table, rushed over. Maimed Joe! Possibly their favourite thing in the
world! They were just in time to see a couple of hands, with Adam nominally
holding Joe’s head, dump the poor, unconscious lad on the hideously
uncomfortable settee.
“Hoss, get the doctor,” Ben ordered, in tones of utmost
anguish. Hoss nodded. He liked this part; this was his mission in life. He was
glad that Pa had remembered this time not to tell him to ‘get the car’ first.
Mind you, that was when Joe had almost been squished in Marie My Love and Pa was understandably rather upset.
Water was procured from the kitchen and the girls fought for
the right to bathe Joe's head. Of course, they had to let Ben do some bathing
first, but they soon were perched beside him, soothing his fevered brow.
Joe soon came round, and moved his legs in that
heart-breaking way he had. The blonde had to bite back a sob. The redhead
reached for a handkerchief, but finding that she didn’t have one, used one of
Hop Sing’s handy little cloths instead.
“You really shouldn’t have moved him,” the blonde said, as
she gently removed his boots. He could still wiggle his toes, so there wasn’t a
major problem with his back. “Especially when he’s been bucked off a bronco.”
“Has he?” Ben asked. He’d been too preoccupied with Joe’s
small sounds of pain to find out what had happened.
The door crashed open once more and Hoss charged in. “Pa!”
he exclaimed. This statement was almost as useful as Ben’s cry of ‘Joe!’ “The
doc ain’t there, Pa!”
The sister’s pet bear, Paw, who had been hugging Joe, looked
distraught at this and let out a little whimper.
“Where is he?” Ben demanded, bristling with righteous
indignation. How dare the doctor not be there when, he Ben Cartwright,
commanded his presence.
“He’s at the Williams’ ranch,” Hoss panted. “Mizz Williams
is havin’ twins.”
“Oh not again,” said the redhead, spoiling a dramatic
moment. “Why is it that it’s always a gynaecological disaster that prevents the
doctor from getting here? Why can’t it be a mine explosion? Or a landslip? Or a
fire in town?”
“Well, having
a baby is a risky business,” Ben said, at a loss for the answer.
"So is
living with Joe!" Adam observed sardonically. He'd torn a fingernail while
helping to lift Joe and wondered if this would impair his ability to play the
guitar.
Ben shot his
eldest son a hard look, and continued, "I remember how poor Marie…"
"My
Love!" everyone chorused obediently. Even Paw put his paw pads together
and assumed a saintly expression.
"…
suffered giving birth to Joe. Of course, he was a breech birth, you know."
"Are you
sure that's canon?" the blonde asked sceptically. "I know I've read
that many times in fanfic, but I can't recall it ever being said in the
series."
Ben looked in
disgust at the scriptgirl, who shuffled through her notes and looked confused.
"Did you
put a knife under the bed?" the redhead asked curiously. "People used
to think that cut the pain in half."
Ben looked
rather supercilious. "We may live in the back of beyond, but we don't have
to resort to old wives tales like that. Paul Martin was in attendance
throughout Marie's confinement."
The sisters
thought back to when Adam had mistaken Joe for a wolf and shot him in My Brother's Keeper. Doctor Hickman had
only taken the most cursory glance at the wounded darling, before hurrying off
to a heavily pregnant woman. Those childbirth emergencies seemed just a little
too convenient somehow. How had the doctor known the woman was actually in
labour? He could have been cooling his heels for days out there
"I'm a
dab hand at deliverin' younguns! I even done delivered that Injun girl's baby
in the Last Hunt out in the middle of
nowhere!" Hoss said. He'd found the experience rather flustering the first
time around, but was now rather good at it.
Joe had been
markedly less enthusiastic about the whole affair and had been stunned to see
that babies born on the Ponderosa did not look at all squashed and were
beautifully clean.
"Aren't
there any midwives around here, then?" the redhead enquired. "Kindly
neighbours who help out another woman? It would be a lot more in keeping with
the period after all."
A far-away
look flitted over Ben's face. "I never liked to take the slightest chance
after the tragic demise of
A poignant silence
greeted this remark. After a moment, when she wiped Joe’s brow once more, the
blonde said, “I thought there was something of a shortage of women? So how come
there are so many of them giving birth? And the doctor usually was only called
in when the woman looked fit to die, because it wasn’t deemed fitting for a man
to see a woman in labour.”
“Uh,” Ben
responded, for he didn’t quite know what to say. “Really?”
“Oh yes,” the
redhead nodded. “That’s one of the reasons women so often died in childbirth.
The doctors frequently didn’t know what they were doing, either.” She made a
face, for she seemed to know a lot of doctors like that.
“Well, things
are different out here,” Adam said, importantly. “Doc Martin is really
up-to-date with all the latest developments, you know. He’s bound to be good at
delivering babies. Besides, it’s not that hard. If it was the human race would
have died out already.”
“You speak
from experience then?” the redhead asked. She had two children and still
remembered their births and all the stitches she’d had afterwards. “When did
you last give birth?”
“Well,” Adam
hedged, “I don’t know, but that’s what all my married friends say.” There were
many raised eyebrows at this. Did Adam have many married friends? They must not
have visited the Ponderosa, which seemed like quite a sensible decision, given
how many friends vanished, never to be seen again.
“Well, if men
had babies, the human race would have died out by now,” the blonde agreed. “You
couldn’t stand the pace.”
“Rubbish,”
Adam scoffed. “It doesn’t take long to give birth.”
“Not on this
show,” the blonde agreed. “Unless it’s an integral plot device. It can
everywhere else.”
“Babies ain’t
big,” Hoss put in.
“They are when
you’re giving birth to them,” commented the redhead, who’d been fortunate
enough to have quick labours, but unfortunate enough to have big babies.
“So the doctor
might not get here for hours yet?” Joe said, in a thin voice. “I could be dead
by then.”
"It could
be a false labour," the blonde said hopefully. "Then Paul could be
out here in next to no time at all. Mind you, if we had some of Doc Hickman's
Marvellous, Mysterious Medicine TM you'd probably feel a lot better
in two shakes of a lamb’s tail."
A series of sour
looks greeted this pronouncement. The Cartwrights really didn't like sheep, as
witnessed by their frantic efforts in Blood
on the Land.
"Were you
at the boys' births?" the redhead asked.
"Well,
Adam was born in
Hoss looked
very proud. "Fourteen pounds!" he announced and the redhead went very
pale indeed.
Joe perked up
a bit. "What about me?" he asked plaintively.
"You were
born right here on the Ponderosa," Ben said lovingly, stroking one of
Joe's curls back from his unfeasibly handsome face. Even a maim did not detract
from Joe's utter gorgeousness in the slightest. In fact, the slight sheen of
sweat just highlighted his magnificent bone structure.
"You were
small, annoying and cried a lot. In fact, you've hardly changed at all!"
Adam remarked in an off-hand manner. Ben rushed in to ameliorate matters.
"You had
lovely green eyes, son. Just like your dear Mama."
The Giggly
Sisters exchanged highly sceptical looks. The redhead cleared her throat, while
the blonde snuggled closer to Joe and held onto his big toe for solace.
"But all
babies are born with blue eyes! Even baby animals, like Paw here! They change
colour after a few weeks."
Adam, Hoss and
Joe all turned to look at Ben. He'd had three sons and never noticed this small
point? Hoss was especially affronted.
"Typical
- you two hafta go and have them changin' eyes and mine just stay plain ol'
blue. You'd never think we all got equal billing now, would ya?"
“That was why
we were a bit perplexed about Last Hunt,”
the redhead said. “You knew the baby had a white father because it had blue
eyes. But since you didn’t know, I guess we’ll let you off.”
There was a
brisk knock on the front door and the Cartwrights all looked at Joe. He groaned
slightly and moved his legs and the girls sighed in unison. He did suffer so
well. Adam reluctantly rose and opened the door to admit Paul Martin.
“Well, where’s
the patient?” he demanded, as though he didn’t know Joe would be lying on the
settee.
“That was
quick,” commented the blonde. “Was it a false labour after all?”
“False labour?”
he repeated, doubtfully. “Was what false labour?” He glanced at the script
girl. “Don’t tell me it was another gynaecological disaster!” he cried. “Have
the script writers run out of ideas?”
They all
studied him as though he were an exhibition in a museum.
“I’ve never
delivered a baby in my life!” he yelled. “I spend all my time out here fixing
you ones up! When have I got time to deliver babies?” He threw the inept script
girl a hard look. He had clearly never been told he delivered babies as well!
“Well,” said
the blonde, calmly, “since there aren’t twins about to be born, would you mind
fixing Joe up for us?”
As Doc Martin
bent over the settee, Joe said, “And hurry up, my back is killing me lying
here.”
He examined
Joe thoroughly and straightened up with a grim look on his face.
“What is it?”
Ben asked anxiously.
“Triplets at
the least,” he replied.
The End
Giggly Sisters Productions
July 2003