Kidnapping
the Brothers
By: The Giggly
Sisters
For the girls on
the
After completing a lightning fast course on kidnapping at kidnapper
school, the BIA girls made their way to the ranch. Adam and Joe were standing
by the corral. The bunkhouses had disappeared again, so there were no pesky
ranch hands hanging around. Pa was working on the books and Hoss was pestering
Hop Sing for a snack. The timing was perfect.
In silence, they glided gracefully past the barn and in a trice had Adam
and Joe in loving headlocks. For a moment, the two men fought back, thoroughly
startled, but then they recognised their captors and went along willingly.
"We did it!" Jenny crowed. Brenda was too busy smiling at Adam
to reply, and he was smiling back at her.
"Just remember," Joe interjected. "You've to share nicely
now." He grinned at the Giggly Sisters, who had been sharing him nicely
for more than a year now. They grinned right back.
"Just think," Adam mused. "For the first time ever, we've
been kidnapped and Pa won't get a ransom note."
"True," agreed Brenda. "But he won't be getting you back
either!"
This
idea didn't seem to be a problem to the boys.
There was one tiny problem with this kidnapping lark, Adam thought.
"Joe," he whispered. "What is a Dyson?" The girls on BIA
all seemed to agree it was the thing to have, and it seemed very useful for
spiders, even if chickens were too much for it. But Adam didn't have a clue
what it was.
"Don't worry, big brother," Joe replied, confidently.
"The Giggly Sisters told me all about it and it's a wonderful invention.
I'm sure they'll lend us one if we need it."
None
the wiser, Adam just nodded. He was having a great time with the BIA girls and
could quite see why Joe had been having so much fun since the Giggly Sisters
had come to stay with them. All this witty repartee that flew around the ether.
Why it was wonderful!
"Quite inimitable, actually!" Joe informed him.
He
looked around and saw that one of Hop Sing's chickens was skedaddling towards
him, with an evil look in its beady eye. A slow smile spread across Joe's
unfeasibly handsome face. "Just wait!" he whispered to Adam, who
looked slightly perplexed, knowing that Joe was not overfond of the feathered fiends.
Two seconds later a blonde whirlwind catapulted herself into Joe's willing
arms, causing his grin to expand rapidly. Despite her trembling, the blonde was
able to slip a hand inside Joe's shirt for comfort.
Adam
looked intrigued and recalled Brenda's anecdote about an emu. Now, did the
General mercantile stock these? Resolving to find out as soon as possible, he
strode off manfully.
"I do hope Adam doesn't find an emu," the redhead muttered.
"I've met ostriches before, and they're a bit like emus and I really don't
like them very much."
Joe's eyes gleamed as he reassured her that Adam was unlikely to succeed
in his mission. But if there was one thing he had learned after more than a
year of living with the Giggly Sisters, it was that anything could happen. If
by some mad chance Adam did return with an emu, he could see that both the
Giggly Sisters would be launching themselves into his arms.
And sure enough, moments later, Adam ushered the large bird into the
yard and the redhead let out a crack (her voice was gone so a scream was out of
the question) and she and her blonde sister found themselves in Joe's
wonderful, manly arms, each with a hand in his shirt for comfort.
The other BIA girls took only one look and decided that the Giggly
Sisters sure knew what they were at. The Adam girls copied them, launching
themselves on the unsuspecting man, who made a valiant attempt to catch them,
but being unprepared, they all went down in a tumbled heap. Nobody seemed to
mind, not least Adam!
For the other Joe girls, it was a tad disappointing, as the Giggly
Sisters seemed to have got the prime positions. However, they made the best of
things, plastering themselves to his back and looking admiringly at the most
perfect, pert, golden-toned butt in the world. What a pity it was wearing
trousers, but Joan at least had the consolation of knowing that she had seen
Joe's MP on the doll she had so generously made for Jenny, even if she had sewn
the trousers on to prevent Jenny from becoming overexcited.
"You
know, Joe," Adam called, from under his heap of women, "I hate to
admit you're right, but these modern gals sure do have a way with them!"
"Don't
they just!" Joe crooned happily, enjoying all the petting he was
receiving. Joan cast a critical eye over his trousers and thought that the
By
now, Anne was perched on Adam's chest, carefully studying his face.
"Definitely not Ken!" she announced and a sigh went up. "I might
have to stay here a bit longer and study every feature to engrain his manly
face into my mind, just to ensure I find the perfect likeness in plastic!"
By now, Adam was a little confused. Who was this Ken person Anne was talking
about? And what was plastic? But then Anne delicately entwined her fingers in
his chest hair and smiled lovingly at him and he decided he really didn't care.
Sadly,
the emu was not quite so lucky. Rounding the exceptionally narrow corner of the
barn, it ran straight into Hoss, who had heard that emus not only feed an
entire rugby team but have a lean and tender meat.
Quick as a flash, Hoss had that emu collared and was dragging it off towards
the kitchen. Hop Sing would, of course, know how to cook it. He was rather
taken aback when the little Oriental folded his arms. "No cook while still
alive. You pluck!"
Pluck it? Hoss scratched his head. Then his face brightened. He'd
overheard them gals talking about the things they could do with their Dysons.
Perhaps they could use it to pluck an emu? He hurried over to the girls, his
hand still clutching the emu's neck.
Sitting politely on Joe's lap, waiting for his turn at snuggling up to
Joe, was Paw, the Giggly Sisters' pet bear. He was only a baby bear and he was
always slightly worried about Hoss. Would the big man decide one day that Paw
was the perfect size for a Hoss snack?
"Hey, Joe!" Hoss shouted. He had real problems bringing
himself to talk to the Giggly Sisters, since he was in awe of their wit and
beauty, so he always addressed questions to them through Joe. Paw got such a
shock he almost had a little accident. "Can we use them there Dysons to
pluck this emu?"
"No fear," Joe responded, picking Paw up. He often worried
about Hoss having Paw as a snack, too. "You'll have to pluck it by
hand."
At that moment, Ben came out into the yard to see what all the noise was
about. For since the BIA girls had successfully kidnapped the boys, they had
forgotten to keep the noise down and the talking and laughing were reaching
proportions not seen since the last party the Giggly Sisters had hosted.
"Hey, Paw!" Hoss called, excitedly. He held up the emu, which
gave up the will to live and collapsed dead in Hoss' arms. The bear looked
surprised, until he realised that once again Hoss' poor diction had caused him
to misunderstand the big man. Hoss was talking to his father. "Look what
we're havin' for supper!"
Ben
groaned.
"I
thought I told you not to bring home any more pets!" he chided Hoss, who
looked suitably abashed.
"It
ain’t a pet!" he protested. "It's an emu!"
"An
ex-emu!" the blonde corrected him gently and managed to ignore the
redhead's snorts of "Norwegian Blue!" in the background.
"I
remember the time you brought home a woolly mammoth," Ben told Hoss.
"That died too and we couldn't get the horns out of the front door, so we
had to stick them above the fireplace."
Hoss
surveyed the emu carefully, while Ben toyed idly with his conchos and wondered
if they would be useful in levering off the emu's beak. He'd never really been
certain what conchos were actually for and secretly thought they were rather
silly. It would be nice to find they had a practical purpose, as he was obliged
to spend considerable amounts of time keeping them highly polished.
"P'raps
we should stuff the emu?" Hoss suggested, moving closer to Paw, who
cowered in Joe's arms.
"That
bear is like a son to me!" Joe said, in a wonderful, manly voice that made
all his fans go so weak at the knees they had to clutch onto one another for
support. To add extra emphasis, he stood with his legs apart and hips thrust
out. Never in the history of television was a gun belt worn to such devastating
effect. By this time, the Joe-fans were fanning one another and gasping in
paroxysms of delight
Deciding that the lime light had been on Joe for long enough, Adam
stepped forward. "Perhaps we should just let Hop Sing worry about the
stuffing," he suggested. "I'm sure these young ladies could assist in
the plucking and gutting."
"What makes you so sure of that?" asked the redhead. "I'm
not plucking that! Besides, it'll never get cooked in time for supper."
"Adam, you could take us out for a meal," suggested Brenda and
Anne nodded enthusiastically.
"That sounds wonderful," she sighed.
"Why don't we all go out for a meal?" suggested the blonde,
who was watching as Jenny and Joan finally managed to regain their balance.
"Ben, where's your favourite place to eat out?"
"I like the International hotel," he replied and Hoss beamed
all over.
"It's ever so nice of you to offer to take us there," the
redhead said, meekly. "Thank you very much; we'd all love to go."
Forcing
himself to smile, Ben wondered if he would ever manage to get rid of the Giggly
Sisters. The redhead had suckered him into taking them out once before in a
very similar way and he'd vowed never to be caught again. Too late though!
She'd got him!
Of course, this meant that Hop Sing was left with the emu. He was more
than a little worried, as Brenda had informed him that it had be cooked just
so, and of course, his range was rather lacking in handy gadgets that showed
temperature etc. Throwing caution to the winds, he anointed the large carcass
with some hot spice left over from the late, lamented Marie (My Love!)'s
sojourn on the Ponderosa and slung it into the oven. Soon a delicious smell of
roasting emu began to waft into the yard.
"How about some alfalfa sprouts to go with that, dearest
Adam?" suggested Rose, running her hands through his jet black hair. Adam
nodded weakly. So many lovely ladies - what a pity he was the eldest and most
morally conscious of the Cartwright brothers!
"Fresh green vegetables are very important!" he agreed,
suddenly having a vision of himself in years to come, wearing only a pair of
speedos! Must keep the figure trim.
Joe looked down at his own lean, but impressively muscled body. "I
never seem to get a square meal!" he mourned. "I'm always having to
get up to answer the door or read interesting bits out of the newspaper."
"You are the youngest, Joseph!" Ben reminded him in stentorian
tones and half the windows in the bunkhouse shattered.
Joe
sighed and rolled his eyes, to great effect. This just highlighted his total and
utter perfection. When he slowly pulled on a black leather glove it was too
much and Jenny keeled right over, to lie supine in the dust.
"Should
we put her in the horse trough?" Adam enquired, helpfully. Strangely
enough, despite 6 years in the show, he was never seen having a bath, a fact
his fans found most regrettable. Anne regarded him meaningfully.
"If I were you, I'd leave the first aid to someone who knows
something about it," remarked the redhead. She and her sister were often
horrified by the cavalier way the Cartwrights treated injured people on the
show. Poor Doc Martin did his best, but with bankruptcy just around the corner
(well, the Cartwrights never paid their bills and Joe got maimed so often) he
wasn't going to teach anyone anything that might do him out of the few paying
jobs he got.
"How long are theses girls staying?" Ben asked Adam quietly,
after they had roused Jenny from her faint and were tucking into the emu. The
spices were making Ben's eyes water and he wished Hop Sing hadn't been quite so
free with them.
"Unfortunately, they have to go back soon," Adam replied,
regretfully. "Joe was explaining that it was an end of season gift to us,
and since life has to get back to normal for Monday, they'll be heading off
very soon." He sighed, for when had he last had such a rich choice of
wonderful ladies to choose from?
A smile crept onto Ben's face, for perhaps now he would realise his
ambition and get rid of those girls and their pet bear! He'd never met such
tenacious women in all his years. They resolutely refused to wear blue dresses
and had lasted longer than the obligatory 40 minutes. And as for the stories
they told about mythical and fictitious husbands and imaginary oilrigs (what
was an oilrig, he wondered) - Well, it wasn't decent.
Just then, the girls realised that their time was up, and they hurried
over to kiss their particular darlings goodbye. There was a shimmer and they
disappeared. Ben began to smile, until he realised that the Giggly Sisters were
still there.
"Back to normal," smiled the blonde, while Joe put an arm
round each girl.
The
End