katjalynne003

THE PETSITTERS

Written by Katja (Hoss and Adam) and Lynne (LJ and Pa)

Little Joe

We hadn’t even been on vacation from school for a week, yet, and already I was bored. If Pa or Adam or Hoss asked for my help with chores, of course I told ‘em I had far too much to do, and couldn’t possibly stay and help, but that wasn’t really the case. However, what self- respecting 12 year-old would admit to his folks that he had nothing better to do than chop wood or clean out chickens? I was s’posed to be young, with the world at my feet, but right now I just felt fed up and thought that the world had nothing to offer, well not the part of it that I was allowed to visit, anyway.

It wasn’t my fault; it was those darn friends of mine. Mitch had been taken on a trip to Sacramento, as one of his cousins was getting married, and his parents thought it was a good chance to have a holiday as well. Seth had been in so much trouble with his Pa, that he was pretty well restricted to home for the whole of the vacation and Will had measles. Johnny’s Ma was a widow and they didn’t have much money and so he was putting in a few hours a day at the livery stable in town, helping out Jake and making a few dollars.

I had finished my morning chores and was trying to persuade Hoss to go fishing with me. Pa had gone to a meeting of the Cattleman’s Association, in town, and Adam was off checking some fencing, a never-ending chore on a spread the size of the Ponderosa. I told Hoss that if he would come fishing with me, now, he would still have time to finish his work before Pa and Adam returned home. My big brother Hoss is such a goody, goody, most of the time, and hardly ever disobeys Pa, even though he’s 18 and bigger than Adam and Pa. He says it ain’t nothing to do with size, it’s down to love and respect for our father, and I guess I know what he means, but I just like to cut loose, sometimes, and have some fun.

As I had nothing better to do, I tagged along, behind Hoss, as he did his work. He did say that if I helped him, we would still have time to go fishing, but I ain’t that bothered and I sure don’t wanna havta work just to go. Eventually, all he had left to do was clean out the animals in his animal hospital. This was housed in a small outbuilding, the other side of the barn and inside Hoss had tended sick and injured animals, for as long as I could remember. He would look after them, until they were better and then release them back into the wild.

It was as I watched him, that I got my idea on how to make some money and fill up my holiday. Hoss looked after the wild animals for free; no one paid him to do it, but what if we could do the same thing and get paid as well? We could offer a pet sitting service and charge people, to take care of their pets, when they had to go outta town. There were loads of people, I was sure, who would love to be able leave their beloved pets in capable hands, while they went away for a week or two. All we had to do was persuade Pa to let us do it and then start advertising. I also had to convince Hoss that it was a good idea, but that wasn’t that hard, as I can usually get Hoss to do most things I want him to. Once I started talking about little puppies being abandoned, cos no one was there to take care of them, I knew I had him hooked. He said that as long as Pa agreed and it didn’t interfere with his work on the ranch, we could do it. So all I now had to do was beard the lion in his den and so I chopped some wood, to find the strength to ask Pa in such a way that he couldn’t say no.

Hoss

It ain’t that I don’t want Little Joe ta have a little fun during his vacation, but why does he always start tryin’ ta get me in trouble? He only thinks of himself most o’ the time. Don’t even realize we don’t all have time off. I had ta work. An’ Pa usually works us pretty dang hard too. Not that I mind. I love workin’ on the ranch. Can’t see why Adam ever wanted ta leave fer four years. Well, maybe I do, he ain’t like me, I ain’t ever liked book learning, but ole Adam couldn’t put a book down until he finished it. He never could get enough of learnin’. So I suppose I do see why he went. But me, nah, I’m as happy as a flea on a cat here.

An’ Little Joe can’t help it that none o’ his friends can play with him this summer. So of course he’s bored, but that don’t mean I can just forget about work like that. Pa’d have my hide. ‘Sides, ya don’t do that ta yer Pa, not if’n ya respect him like I do.

So I told Little Joe if’n he helped me, we might have some time to go fishin’ an’ he did that. Well, ya can’t really call it helpin’, he mostly jest watched me do all the work. I swear if’n that boy ever leaves school, we’re gonna have a lot of trouble getting’ him ta work.

Then all of a sudden he got that look on his face. I’ve seen that look a hundred times before an’ it always gets me in trouble. I wish I could jest not listen ta him. But somehow I always do.

But I hafta admit this idea sounded like a real good one. He really got me goin’ when he brought up them critters. Jest the thought of some little puppy abandoned in the woods or worse, drowned, cause them owners don’t have time fer them or when they hafta go away fer some time. Made me wanna pound them, but I reckon offerin’ ta take care of them pups was a much better solution.

I didn’t wanna do it without Pa’s permission though. Don’t like doin’ things behind Pa’s back an’ I weren’t gonna neglect my work fer it. Nothing good comes of those two things. An’ of course Little Joe had ta be the one ta ask Pa’s permission. ‘T was his idea, after all, not mine.’Sides, he’s better at sweet talkin’ Pa, I always stumble over my own words. Little Joe didn’t look none too happy with the prospect, but agreed.

Pa

By the time I returned from my meeting in town, I was hot and tired. The day had started off warm and had got progressively hotter, and I had spent most of it in an airless room, with a dozen or more ranchers, most of whom had been in an ugly mood. All I wanted was a cool drink, a good meal and the chance to relax.

As soon as I saw the determined look on the face of my youngest, I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to be in for the peaceful evening that I craved for. The boy was up to something and was in need of a favour; I recognised the signs. I was tempted to just say 'yes', without even asking what it was, as I did not want a prolonged row. But I realised that would be a foolish move, on my part, as Joe's favour was likely to involve something dangerous or just plain ridiculous.

So, I said nothing and waited to see what it was all about. He greeted me, very enthusiastically, when I got home; it was like he hadn't seen me for a week, instead of for a few hours. I asked him how he had spent his day and he said that he and Hoss had got in some fishing and Hop Sing was cooking their catch for supper. He told me that he had picked the best of the bunch just for me and I thanked him and ruffled his hair, something he usually hated. But, he did not complain, just smiled and offered to stable Buck for me. I decided to milk this for all it was worth and let him take care of my horse, going into the house for that long awaited, cool drink.

It was much cooler inside and I sat in my favourite armchair, sipping my lemonade and reading the paper, which I had picked up in town. Hoss and Adam were not around; Adam had not yet returned from his day mending fences and Hop Sing informed me that Hoss was feeding his menagerie.
Joe soon joined me, at first sitting on the arm of my chair and then gradually slipping down onto my lap, crushing the newspaper in the process. He was chatting on about the fact that he was missing his friends and how he felt that he could be doing something useful with his time off from school. I wondered where this chat was leading to and finally, I found out. He said that he and Hoss wanted to operate a pet sitting service, where they took care of people's pets if the owner wanted to go away, or wasn't well. Joe said that they could house the pets in the outbuildings, where Hoss kept his wild creatures, and so there would be no reason for me or Hop Sing to be involved. Joe had his own dog, Patch, and he lived in the house with us. However, he was the only animal, which Hop Sing would allow over the threshold, and even then, he complained if Patch came in and muddied the floor.

Actually, I thought that it sounded like a good idea, but wasn't sure if Joe would actually have the staying power, at his age, to carry it through. I had a nasty feeling that, after the initial novelty had worn off, it was likely to be Hoss doing the bulk of the work, and Joe reaping the benefits. This often happened when those two collaborated on a money making scheme; the trouble was that Joe was a real smooth talker and Hoss fell for it, every time.

Anyway, I agreed, in principle, but told Joe I wanted to talk to Hoss before I made my final decision. Joe seemed to conveniently miss that last part of our discussion and gleefully told Hoss and Adam that the pet-sitting plan was going ahead, when they returned to the house for supper. I did talk to Hoss and he assured me that he was happy with the idea and would not let it interfere with his usual chores and Little Joe echoed these words. Adam didn't say much, just raised an eyebrow and smiled, rather enigmatically, at me. My eldest always takes longer than his brothers do to mull over anything new, not a bad quality to have; he has never been the impulsive type.

Over supper, the younger boys asked if they could go into town, the next day. They wanted to get some posters printed up, advertising their service, and to place an ad in the Territorial Enterprise, Virginia City's own newspaper. We needed some supplies and so I said they could, reminding Hoss to keep a close eye on his little brother. Joe sighed, dramatically, as I said this and I felt it was necessary to hand out a little lecture, in which I told him that looking after someone else's beloved pet, was a big responsibility and that he had to be sensible about it. I said that he would be most upset if he entrusted Patch to another person and came home to find that he was missing, or hurt, and that thought sobered him up, a bit. I think that all he was seeing was the money he was hoping to make and I hoped that I had stressed on him the fact that it was not going to be money for nothing; he was going to have to work hard to earn it.

Adam

I couldn’t believe Hoss had fallen for it again. When will that boy learn that our little brother’s ideas always lead to trouble, most of the time for his partner in crime? And what even more surprised me was Pa’s quickly given permission. Now Pa is usually a very wise man, but this must have been one of his dumbest decisions ever. I mean, really! Any fool can see how much trouble this is going to lead to.

I almost spoke up, but just at that moment Hop Sing announced dinner and I let it rest. Later on after supper I was glad I’d kept my opinion to myself. First of all you have to be really careful how you word your criticism. Pa doesn’t like to be contradicted and I can’t blame him. I do it sometimes, but I’m always careful. But secondly, and more importantly, I had a feeling I was going to enjoy this scheme of Joe’s.

So I decided to just sit back and have a little private fun. It would be good to see that little brother of mine actually working for a change. That alone would make it worthwhile. Maybe I could find an excuse to go to town tomorrow too, to spy on them a bit. I would have to ask Pa; he probably had some job lined up already. Well, I’d see.

Little Joe

Things were all going, according to plan. Pa said we could run the pet sitting service and that Hoss and me could go into town to get some posters printed. We spent the rest of the evening deciding what we were gonna put on them. I knew that Miss Aitken, at the print shop, would be able to illustrate it for us, as neither Hoss or me were much good at drawing. We could’ve asked Adam, but because I knew that he was against our idea, I didn’t like to, and he never offered.

Adam looked real surprised when Pa said ‘yes’ and I stuck my tongue out at him; he always wants to pour cold water on my ideas. He’s probably mad cos he didn’t think of it and he will be really angry when we start making lots of money.

On our way into town, the next day, we talked about the type of people who would possibly use us. We reckoned that the most likely customers were old ladies with little lap dogs and so we had to make sure that they knew their babies would be well taken care of. Hoss was already well known for his kindness to animals; people often brought sick or injured critters to him, and most ladies liked me, they thought I was cute. I didn’t much like it when they chucked me under the chin and said so, though, but I was prepared to put up with it, if it meant we got some business.

As soon as we got to town, we went to the printing office and talked to Miss Aitken. She said she would draw a picture of several types of animals on the poster, as we didn’t want people just to think we only looked after dogs. We left it with her and then went to the Territorial Enterprise office to place our ad. All this was costing money and as Hoss was the only one of us earning a wage, all I had was a measly allowance, he paid the bill. He moaned a bit, but I said he could take my half of the cost out of the profits we were gonna make. He cheered up then, and when we dropped the list of supplies off at Cass’ he treated us to some liquorice and some jellybeans, plus a couple of peppermint sticks for Adam. I wasn’t gonna bother getting Adam anything, but Hoss said that wasn’t nice. Just cos Adam was too shortsighted to see what a good plan we had, didn’t mean that we shouldn’t share with him. As Hoss was paying, I agreed with him.

While we were waiting for Mr Cass to fill our order, we collected the mail and then I noticed a strange wagon, parked up the street. When we got closer, I could see that it belonged to one of them travelling pedlars. He was setting up a table, next to the wagon and he had three walnut shells on it and a tiny pebble. I wanted to see what he was up to and persuaded Hoss to stop and watch. Once he was all set up, the man began calling to the citizens of the town to gather round and try to win some money. He put the pebble under one of the shells and moved them around on the table. Then he asked a man in the crowd to pick which shell was hiding the pebble. The man pointed to one of the shells and, sure enough, when he lifted it up, there was the pebble. The pedlar handed the man a dollar; it was as simple as that. I wanted to have a go, but Hoss said it was gambling and Pa wouldn’t approve. He wanted to go to the gunsmiths and check out a rifle that he had his heart set on owning, and so he headed off up the street, but I stayed behind, to watch the pedlar. After a few more people had tried their luck, I decided to have a go. Pa had given us both a few dollars to get a meal in town and so I used that, figuring that I would win and so still have the money for my lunch, plus a bit extra for myself.

Unfortunately, it did not work out like that and by the time Hoss came back to find me, I was flat broke. Hoss had used all his money to pay for the printing and the ad and so we weren’t able to have any lunch. I suggested that we asked Daisy to feed us and paid her the next time we were in town, but Hoss said we couldn’t do that, cos Pa would find out and want to know what we did with our lunch money. Therefore, all we could do was load up the supplies, which were always put on our account, at the store, and head for the Ponderosa, with empty bellies. Hoss moaned at me all the way home, as nothing makes him madder, than missing a meal. I told him I was sorry, but he was so cross that he threatened to tell Pa what I’d done. I begged him not to, as I knew I would be in for a spanking, if he did, and he agreed that he wouldn’t. But he said that I wasn’t to gamble, ever again, and I told him I wasn’t gonna play that shell game anymore, as I reckoned it was a con. Hoss agreed and said that he supposed going without lunch was a small price to pay, if I had learned that lesson.

When we got home, Hoss went to the kitchen and made him and me some sandwiches. I helped Adam unload the wagon and gave my big brother his peppermint sticks. I told him about our posters, but he wasn’t that bothered. He did say thanks for the peppermint sticks, though, and I didn’t let him know that I was upset he wasn’t more interested in our plan. I just thought I would bide my time, then really rub it in when we began making lots of money.

Hoss

That dad blamed little brother of mine really did it that day. I mean first of all he weaselled his way out of payin’. So of course I ended up payin’ for them posters and that ad. Took ‘bout all my wages too. Plus the money Pa gave me fer lunch.

I should’ve known I shouldn’t’ve left him alone with that game with them pebbles. Little Joe has never been able ta walk away from trouble in his life, usually takin’ me down with ‘im in the fall. An’ this was gamblin’, simple as that. But of course he was convinced he’d win. So convinced in fact that he gambled away all the rest o’ the lunch money.

I was ready ta pound on him or at least ta tell Pa what he’d done. I mean, a fellow can do a lot ta me an’ I don’t care, but ya don’t mess with a man’s food. I figgered he’d deserve a poundin’ from Pa fer what he’d done.

But then he started lookin’ at me with them big eyes an’ what’s a guy supposed ta do? Can’t squeal on yer little brother. Specially not one with puppy-eyes. He told me he’d learned a big lesson that day. He’d learned that the game was a con. Now I reckon that’s a good lesson. Not many learn that at his age. There’s many guys Pa’s age fallin’ fer it. So I reckon I could go without lunch if’n that’s the price. But he’d better not ever gamble again.

Now my head may have said I could miss out on lunch, but my body had a different opinion an’ by the time we got home I was ready ta eat jest ‘bout anything. I knew if’n I didn’t eat something soon I’d jest plumb fade away. So I told Little Joe ta help Adam unloadin’ the wagon an’ went ta make us some sandwiches. After ‘bout four o’ them I started ta feel like myself again, but decided I’d better take another one jest ta be sure. Stopped after that though, didn’t wanna spoil my supper.

Now supper was another thing. There was something wrong with Adam. I’ve known my big brother long enough ta see the signs. He had something on his mind. Now maybe it was jest his usual scepticism ‘bout Little Joe’s ideas, or schemes as he called ‘em, but I had a feelin’ there was more than that. I tried ta talk ta him after supper, but Pa an’ he were talkin’ ‘bout some contract an’ I couldn’t get a word in. By the time we got ta bed I still didn’t get the chance ta talk ta him, but I did notice that all night he’d been givin’ us strange looks.

Pa

Those two youngest of mine were acting a mite oddly, when they came back from town and I suspected they’d had a falling out. However, neither was saying much on the subject and so I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

No sooner were they back, than Hoss was in the kitchen, making enough sandwiches to feed an army. It was lucky for him that Hop Sing was not around. He had gone to visit a cousin, who had just had a baby, and would be back in time to prepare supper. Our cook did not take kindly to the boys invading what he considered to be his private domain. I was going to ask Hoss why he was so hungry, as I had given both of them lunch money, but knew it was a futile question to throw at Hoss; he was always hungry.

However, I was surprised to see Little Joe polish off a couple of the sandwiches, when he came in from helping Adam to unload the supplies. I was usually fighting with my youngest to get him to eat at regular meal times, let alone extra snacks, in between meals. When I asked him why he was so hungry, I received a vague reply about not being so in town and so that’s why he was now. I then asked for my money back, thinking that he hadn’t bought any lunch in town, but he said he had spent it, just not eaten much.
I was about to launch into a lecture about wasting food, but he suddenly remembered he had chores to do and made his excuses and left. The whole incident left me feeling very suspicious, but I was sure that if the boys had been up to any mischief, I would hear about it in due course, and so dropped the subject.

At supper, I noticed that Adam was watching his brothers rather more intently than normal and once more, my suspicions were aroused. Adam is usually a good indicator of what is going on with Hoss and Little Joe, if he was treating them suspiciously, then maybe I did have something to worry about.

The boys seemed okay and answered my questions about their trip, without hesitation. They had ordered the posters and arranged for the ad to go into the Territorial Enterprise. They’d asked the printer’s assistant, a young lad called Pete, to post up the posters around town, as he went about delivering the newspaper, the next day. He had agreed, for a small fee, and so, hopefully, they would soon be hearing from their first customer.

After Hoss and Joe had gone to bed, I sat in my favourite armchair and enjoyed a brandy and a smoke on my pipe. I was feeling at peace with the world and despite Adam’s continued cynicism over the pet-sitting project, I couldn’t foresee any problems. In fact I could see several advantages. Joe was going to be kept busy and this meant he was less likely to get into any mischief. And, he would be earning some money and so wouldn’t be trying to borrow off me or his brothers, throughout the summer break.

Adam

Now I had had a very interesting day. Even though I originally thought of following those two to get front row seats to the show, by morning I had decided not to do it. There was more than enough work to do on the ranch and with Hoss already ditching work and Pa stressing over a new contract I thought it better to try and get as much work done as possible.

But…as I was riding out I started to feel a little curious again. And a bit testy, seeing as how I was going to be the one working again. Hoss had his responsibilities too and that morning I’d even done both their chores as they were still in bed. Okay, I’ll admit they might have actually done them themselves, but I didn’t give them that chance.

Anyway I rode to the south pasture to check the fences and search for strays, but it didn’t take me long to start thinking about those younger brothers of mine again. I was wondering how the poster would look like. I mean, I was a bit disappointed they didn’t ask me to make one, but I guess I’ve shown my scepticism too much.

I finally decided to take a break and head for town to see if I could find my brothers. Well, none too soon, because guess what the first thing I saw, was, when I got into town? Little Joe gambling away all his money! I almost intervened, but reckoned it would be a good lesson for my little brother. A hard lesson maybe, but a lesson that needed to be learned. So I stayed out of it and watched from a distance.

I hadn’t calculated on Hoss missing out on lunch though. I might have stepped in had I known Joe was gambling away their last money, leaving them hungry. But it was funny to hear Joe try to wiggle his way out of it. Hoss is not the one to tell on his little brother, but well, you just don’t touch that boy’s food. Not if you value your life that is.

But of course Joe managed to find a way to convince Hoss it was all for the best. Sometimes I’d wish Hoss was not such a pushover where our baby-brother was concerned. He really lets him get away with murder and always get dragged into trouble right along with him.

I didn’t get to see the poster, but figured I’d had enough fun for the day and went back to those fences. Wouldn’t do to come home having to tell Pa I wasn’t finished.

Later that afternoon on my way home, feeling dog-tired, I was still not sure what to do about the gambling. I didn’t like the idea of Joe getting away with that, had a feeling that would only lead to more trouble, but telling on him might mean the end of the entire pet sitting idea and I was certain that would be too entertaining to miss. So I let it go, knowing that also meant I wouldn’t have to tell Pa I went to town while I was supposed to be mending fences; not that he’d mind really, I mean, the work was done, wasn’t it?

But I couldn’t help trying to make them feel a little uncomfortable during dinner. An older brother’s prerogative.

Little Joe

I decided that the best thing to do was to ignore my oldest brother. He seemed to have something up his sleeve and it was definitely more than just his hairy arm, but I wasn’t going to let him and his conniving ways spoil our plans.

For the next couple of days we had no one contact us about our pet sitting service, but I didn’t let my disappointment show, as I knew that would only make big brother Adam more annoying than he usually was. He was bound to say that he’d told us so and that we had wasted our money on the posters and the ad.

On the third day, we had a visit from Doc Martin. Pa was quite surprised when the doctor said he wanted to see me or Hoss and feared that we had been up to some kind of mischief, but it was to ask us if we could take care of a little dog called Oscar. The owner, a nice old lady called Mrs White, was poorly and the doctor had advised her to go and stay with her married daughter in Placerville. Unfortunately, Mrs White’s new son in law was allergic to the dog and so she couldn’t take him with her. She was likely to be gone for a couple of weeks and so Doc Martin had recommended us, after seeing the poster. Hoss was out with Adam, doing a tally of the cattle and so I agreed to go and collect Oscar. Pa told me to go in the buggy and offered to go with me, as he was not keen on me driving alone.

I thanked Doc Martin for the recommendation and once he had left, we set off to get the dog. Mrs White seemed very worried about leaving Oscar, who glared at us from his cushion, which was placed on the comfiest armchair in the parlour. She was slightly reassured by Pa being along with me and addressed most of her remarks to him, a fact that annoyed me. After all I was the one who was gonna be looking after the dog. She gave us a long list of all of his favourite food, the mutt ate better than we did, and also a box full of his toys, brushes, leashes, and cushions, plus his own towels, with his name embroidered on them, to be used after his weekly bath.

She said that he slept on her bed, but would agree to sleeping in his own basket, just as long as it was placed out of draughts and that he liked to take a nap, at least twice a day, after his walk. She assumed that we would be keeping him in the house and I decided it was not a good idea to tell her that, in fact, he would be living in an outbuilding, some way from the house. As nice as it was, it did not compare to what Oscar was used to and I hoped he would be okay. I couldn’t see Pa allowing us to have him in the house.

After a tearful farewell from Mrs White, we set off home, with Oscar sitting on his cushion, between me and Pa. He didn’t seem that bothered about leaving his mistress, but then I quickly learned that Oscar only had two expressions, bored and extremely bored.

However, he could be very noisy and he obviously was not keen on his new living quarters. When we arrived at the ranch, I took him over to the shed and placed his basket and his toys on the floor. I lifted him up, quite a task, as he was rather overweight, and placed him in his basket. He got straight out and walked over to the door. He began to howl and didn’t stop, until I opened the door. He then walked, or should I say waddled, as he only had short legs and a huge stomach, which nearly hit the ground, over to the house. The door was open, as it was a warm day and so he went in and climbed onto Pa’s chair and lay down. It was a good job that Pa had gone out to join Hoss and Adam with the cattle; no animal was allowed to sit in his chair, not even Patch, as he hated getting hairs on his clothes. I lifted him off and took him back outside. It was too warm to leave him in the shed and so I tried to get him to play with me and Patch. However, every time my dog went near him, he growled, and so Patch eventually gave up trying to be friends and ignored him. Oscar kept heading off into the house and if he managed to get in, he went straight over to Pa’s chair.
Eventually, I shut him in the shed and that’s when he started howling. He just wouldn’t shut up, no matter what I did.

When Hoss came home, he tried to get the dog to be quiet, but he couldn’t stop him howling, either. I explained to Pa that Oscar was only happy if he was in the house, but Pa refused to let him in. He said that the deal was we kept the animals outside and I had to admit it was what we had agreed to do. How was I to know that our first client was going to be so ornery? I didn’t dare mention that Oscar’s favourite place was Pa’s armchair, thought it was best to keep that news to myself.

All through supper, Oscar kept howling and the only time he stopped was when I went to feed him, with the scraps left over from our meal. He stopped howling when he saw me with his bowl, but as soon as I put it down, he turned on his very bored expression and went back to the door again. Obviously, the food wasn’t what he was used to.

I went to explain this to Pa, but he said that the food was good enough for Patch and so should be good enough for Oscar. If it wasn’t, then Hoss and I had to buy what he would eat, out of the money we were earning for looking after him. Trouble was, the dog had very expensive tastes and if we bought all the things that Mrs White had listed, we’d hardly make any money for ourselves. I was beginning to think that this wasn’t such a good idea, after all.

When Hoss joined me in the shed, I said that he had to come up with a solution to the problem. I’d spent most of the evening with the dog, as it was the only way to keep Oscar quiet, but I wasn’t prepared to spend the night out there, too. So we agreed that Hoss would take the dog up to his room, as I had Patch in mine, and Oscar didn’t like him. It meant that Hoss was gonna havta sneak the dog in, once the rest of the family was asleep. I also said that Hoss would havta get Oscar some food when he went to town the next day. We couldn’t let the wretched thing starve, or else Mrs White wasn’t gonna pay us anything.

Hoss

That dad blamed little brother of mine! Now he had me disobeyin’ Pa. Yeah, well, of course I could’ve slept in the barn with that dog, but well, I jest weren’t about ta give up my bed fer this spoiled dog. I know I usually like all sorts of critters, but this dog was jest too much. Nothin’ ya’d do were good enough an’ now this sneakin’ him in…..Well, it made sense, we would all sleep a lot better if’n I did, but still I didn’t like goin’ against Pa.

It was as if Oscar knew I’d be sneakin’ him in, cos he was real quiet the rest of the evening. I was almost thinkin’ it weren’t necessary ta bring him in, but I jest knew he’d start barkin’ an’ howlin’ as soon as I was all comfortable and warm in my bed, so I figgered I’d better make sure I didn’t hafta leave my bed ta bring him in then.
‘Sides Pa would be none too pleased if’n Oscar woke ‘im up howlin’.

So I waited until everyone had gone ta bed and then I snuck out to the shed. It was as if he’d been waitin’ fer that, cos as soon as I set foot on the back stairs he started barkin’. I went downstairs as quickly and quietly as possible an’ opened the shed to bring ‘im in.

The moment I picked ‘im up an’ started carryin’ ‘im inside he got quiet. Told ya he was a spoiled dog.

I figgered he’d find his own spot to sleep in when I crawled under the covers an’ you bet he did: right on my pillow, next ta my head. How’s a guy supposed ta sleep like that? I tried and after tossin’ an’ turnin’ a couple of times I did fall asleep only to wake up when he decided ta find a better spot. He waggled all over my bed a few times, puttin’ his paws in quite a few painful places. I tried ta get him ta lie down, but that didn’t get me anywhere.

Finally he seemed to have found his spot, right on top of my feet an’ no matter how hard I tried to get him ta stop squashing my feet, he wouldn’t move an inch. I gave up an’ went back ta sleep. Well, tried to anyway. Not bein’ able ta move around in bed, I was forced ta sleep on my back, almost motionless. It’s a miracle I slept at all.

A strange sensation woke me up. It took me a few moments to realise what is was, but as soon as I did, I almost got sick. That stupid dog had just peed in my bed. I started pushin’ the animal an’ finally jest picked ‘im up, despite my fear of him barkin’ an’ wakin’ up Pa. I mean how much worse could it get? He’d find out anyway. There was no way I could hide these sheets. Well, maybe I could.

As I stripped off the sheets I prayed no one would come in or would see me bringin’ ‘em downstairs to the laundry room. I would never live down the humiliation, but it had ta be done. I took some clean sheets an’ put ‘em on the bed an’ then I tiptoed downstairs. I could’ve thanked the Lord on my bare knees I made it downstairs and back up unnoticed. I did think fer a moment that I saw some movement at Adam’s door right as I walked back up, but I must’ve been dreamin’. When I listened at the door I could tell by the way he was breathin’ that he was still fast asleep.

I went back ta my room ta find Oscar lyin’ right in the middle of my pillow again. I didn’t even try ta get back ta sleep, it was dawn an’ I decided it couldn’t hurt ta start on my chores early. I got dressed an’ walked outta the room. As soon as he saw me leavin’, that stupid animal got up too an’ waggled after me, all the way ta the barn. There was really no gettin’ rid of ‘im.

I vowed I’d clobber Little Joe fer gettin’ us in this mess, but I knew I wouldn’t. He’d jest look at me an’ I’d give in. When will I learn not ta do that?

Pa

I would have had to be deaf not to be aware that the boys were having trouble with their new houseguest, but I decided not to interfere and so I left them to it. Unless one of them was in the shed, with Oscar, he kept up a constant howling, which was guaranteed to wake the dead and possibly make all the Indian tribes in the area think they were being summoned to a war council. It was a deafening noise, from such a small animal.

Little Joe seemed to have been elected as the one to stay with him and so, for the early part of the evening, it wasn’t too bad. During supper, he howled continuously and none of us enjoyed the meal, as we rushed it, anxious to get away from the din. Joe took the dog the scraps from supper, only to return a bit later, saying that Oscar refused to eat them. He showed me the list of food that Mrs White had suggested they got for him, and I told Joe that if he wanted to feed the dog on such expensive delicacies, then he and Hoss would have to pay for them, out of the money they were earning for looking after the dog. He didn’t look too happy at that prospect, already I felt that my youngest boy was having serious doubts about pet sitting as a career.

When we all went to bed, Oscar continued with his howling and I was just about ready to go and throttle him, and my sons, for bringing the wretched animal into our lives, when he suddenly went quiet.
At first I thought he had just decided to give up, but then I heard the unmistakeable sound of my middle son, doing his best to creep up the stairs. Unless he was talking to himself, I guessed that he had the dog with him. By now I was so tired that I decided to let him take the dog to his room, as I just wanted to get some rest, but I knew I would have to talk to Hoss about it, the next day.

Finally, I was able to settle down and get some sleep, but I was woken, earlier than usual, by movement from Hoss’ room. I opened my door and saw him collecting some clean sheets from the chest on the landing, but did not let him know I had seen him.

When I met up with him, at the breakfast table, Hoss looked very pale and had obviously missed out on a good portion of his required eight hours. The dog was back in the shed and was howling again, but Little Joe was on his way to feed him, with something that looked suspiciously like prime beefsteak. I let him go, as I wanted to deal with Hoss, first. Before I had a chance to say anything, however, Hop Sing arrived in the main room, carrying a soiled sheet. It was obvious what was on it and poor Hoss turned crimson. I could see that he was going to try and convince us that he was the one who had had the ‘accident’. I wanted to spare him that humiliation and so said that I knew he’d had the dog in his room. I told him that it was not going to happen anymore. The deal was that the animals stayed outside and even if it meant that Hoss or Joe had to sleep in the shed, with Oscar, the dog was not sleeping in the house.

Adam

When Hop Sing came into the main room with those sheets I had a hard time not to laugh, because I knew once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. I had heard Hoss come upstairs earlier that morning and had figured he had just brought that blasted dog down. I had known he’d bring the animal to his room, because there was no way that brother of mine was giving up his bed to sleep in some shed. Had I known he was bringing down sheets, to cover up his little adventure, I wouldn’t have been able to shut the door quietly, without him seeing or hearing me. You would have picked me off the floor laughing.

The look on his face when he saw Hop Sing was priceless. It would have been fun to watch him stammer through an explanation, but Pa saved him from that, unfortunately. Although the colour on his face didn’t improve much, mind you. The realization that Pa knew he had broken the rules hit him hard and it looked like he wanted to disappear into thin air. It’s funny, with Joe and me Pa always had to make a stand, had to yell or lecture, but with Hoss one look, one word was usually enough. This time wasn’t any different. I’m sure Hoss won’t take that dog up to his room again. He’d rather sleep in the shed than see that look again. Hopefully our little brother would let him.

Joe tried hard not to laugh at his brother at the table, but like me he was close. Just the warning look from Pa stopped him. But as soon as Hoss had left the room to clean the sheets, Hop Sing wasn’t going to do it, threatened to go back to China again, he couldn’t stifle the giggles anymore and it was so infectious that I couldn’t hold back anymore either. Pa tried to glare us into quieting down, tried to tell us to stop, but in the end he ended up laughing right with us.

I wished I didn’t have to get to work, but fortunately I was close by, so I could come home for lunch and get back early. I would get myself a drink and sit on the porch to watch the rest of this sad tale.

Little Joe

I met up with Hoss in the yard, as he hung the sheets on the washing line, and it was all I could do, not to burst out laughing again. However, I could see that my big brother was not in the mood to be laughed at and so I managed to stifle it.

We did our chores, with Oscar following Hoss around and Patch with me. As long as the dog was in sight of me or Hoss, he seemed reasonably happy, although it was hard to tell, as he had such a miserable face. Patch, on the other hand, has a happy face and often looks like he is smiling.

Once we’d finished the chores, Hoss said he was going into town to buy some of the food that Oscar liked, as it was becoming a worry that he wouldn’t eat the scraps we gave him. Pa had already warned me not to feed him on our meat again, after catching me giving him beefsteak that morning.
Pa said that I could go with Hoss and we took Oscar, as we knew that if we shut him in the shed, he would howl, and we couldn’t expect Adam or Pa to look after him.

As we were driving along the road, I could see Frank Miller coming towards us. Now Frank ain’t exactly a best friend of mine, he’s a bit of a bully, and so I wondered why he was heading out to the Ponderosa. We soon found out, when he stopped alongside of us and asked if we could look after his snake. Seems that his uncle was a sailor and he bought Frank the pet, when he was last on a visit. Now Frank was going on a trip to see his grandparents and his Grandma refused to have it in her house, as she was terrified of snakes. Frank assured us that it wasn’t poisonous and only needed feeding about once a week. Sounded a lot easier than Oscar, and so we agreed to take care of it. Frank said it was called Fred, after his uncle, and was real easy to look after; it slept most of the time. He had it in a large box, with a grill on the front, and he transferred it from his wagon, to ours, before we had much time to think about it. He drove off, repeating that Fred was harmless and he’d be back in about 10 days.

Hoss and I got down from the seat and went to the back of the wagon, to take a look at our new guest. Oscar came to have a look too, but he backed away when the snake hissed at him, and returned to his cushion. Fred was huge, in fact I was a little bit scared of him, but wasn’t about to tell Hoss that. Hoss said that it was a python and that Fred was right, it didn’t bite, but it could crush you to death, if it had a mind to. I decided that I was not going to get that involved with Fred, if I could help it.

We made our purchases in town; I didn’t realise that feeding one faddy dog could cost so much. We’ll havta raise our charges if we are to make any money.
We checked at the newspaper office to see if we’d had any more replies to our ad, but we hadn’t.

When we got back home, Hoss prepared a meal for Oscar and I took Fred, in his box, to his new home. I decided to leave him in the box, he was sleeping anyway, and I wasn’t sure about letting him out.

Hoss and me talked over what we were gonna do about Oscar and his howling, as we unhitched the team. Hoss said he was not gonna take the dog in his room, as Pa would have his hide if he found out. I suggested that he slept in the shed with the dog and Hoss said he’d have to, if we couldn’t come up with a better plan. I was relieved that he didn’t say I had to. Along with his howling, Oscar had another bad habit; he was very smelly, if you know what I mean.

Pa wasn’t around, but brother Adam was sitting at the table on the porch, drinking lemonade and reading a book. He just nodded when I said hello and did not appear to notice me carrying the box, containing Fred, over to the shed.

After we had seen to the team, we checked on Fred and he was awake. Hoss opened the box and took him out. He persuaded me to touch him and I was surprised to find that he didn’t feel slimy, like I thought he would. As I watched him with Hoss, I began to lose my fear and when Hoss said would I like to hold him, I did so. Hoss told me he wasn’t yet fully grown, but he must’ve been as tall as Hoss, if he could’ve stood up.

When supper was over, Hoss and me went out to the shed again. Fred was back in his box, as we were worried that he might try and eat Oscar, but he didn’t look that happy being cooped up. I decided to take him up to my room and give him some exercise, so when Hoss went back to the house to fetch a pillow and a bedroll, I took Fred outta the box and crept up the back stairs with him. I knew that Hoss wouldn’t let me take him inside and so didn’t tell him what I was doing.

I put him down on the floor and he seemed to enjoy slithering around my room. He went and hid under my bed and before I could get him out, I heard Pa calling me. I knew he would be mad if he found out that I had the snake in my room and so I ran downstairs, leaving Fred loose.

By the time I returned, to go to bed, there was no sign of him. I couldn’t say anything to Pa or Adam, as they didn’t even know we were looking after Fred and so I had to go to bed, without finding him. Hoss was in the shed with Oscar and so I couldn’t call on him; I just hoped that Fred wasn’t going to cause any trouble.

Well, that was wishful thinking. I was asleep by the time that Pa and Adam went to bed, but I was woken up by yelling coming from Pa’s room. He had found Fred, under the covers, in the middle of his bed.

Hoss

What an idiot I'd been. I mean, if'n we'd stopped fer one minute ta think about it we would've told Frank Miller ta get lost with his python. But no, we had ta bring that snake home thinkin' we could handle it. Not that I'm scared o' snakes. Heck no. Ya jest gotta know how ta handle them. With care and caution. So back home I persuaded that little brother of mine ta hold 'im fer a moment. It took some convincin', but finally he held him an' the look of surprise on his face was clear.

But after we played with 'im fer a little while I told Joe we'd better put 'im back in the box, cause I weren't too sure about Oscar's safety. He was jest the right size fer lunch or supper fer that dadburned snake.

After supper Joe played with 'im again, don't know what happened, but he seemed ta really like Fred. I had already said I'd sleep in the shed, there was jest no way I was gonna test Pa's patience by takin' Oscar up ta my room again an' if'n he were alone in the shed he'd howl until the whole territory came lookin' ta see what was happenin'.

So I had ta give in an' take up residence, as Adam would call it, in the shed. I jest knew I wouldn't sleep a wink.

Well, I was right. Oscar did keep me up quite a long time. He discovered my boots an' didn't even care that they were still on my feet. He started ta chew on 'em anyway. I tried ta play with 'im fer a while. I tried lying down with 'im. Nothing really worked.

Oscar was keepin' me so occupied that I never noticed Fred weren't in his box. If I'd a noticed I might've done something. As it was I jest fell asleep after 'bout an hour with Oscar right on top of my feet again.

I woke up suddenly. There was someone yellin' in the house. As I listened it became clear it was Pa who was doin' the yellin'. I don't know what made me look, but I looked at the box an' when I didn't see Fred there, well, it don't take a genius ta figger out what had happened.

I threw off my blanket and started fer the house. At the bottom of the stairs it was already obvious Pa was yellin' an' barkin' at Joe. I decided I'd better stay away from Pa an' Joe at that moment. There was a little too much anger directed at Joe. I tried ta tiptoe back to the kitchen. I was hopin' Hop Sing would have some nice little snack fer me. An' then I'd wait until the storm was over.

Pa

I could not believe the audacity of that youngest boy of mine. After the fiasco with the dog, the night before, I thought I had made it perfectly clear to both Joe and Hoss, that they were not to bring the pets into the house.
As I know for a fact, that pythons are not native to America, this snake, which had taken residence in my bed, had to be another of my sons’ paying guests. Not only was it in the house, but it was in my bed; that was taking my hospitality too far. I know I pride myself on never turning away a weary traveller, but I’m not that generous.

Once I got over the initial shock, it’s not quite what you expect to find in your bed, is it? I began to yell for number three son to show himself, quick smart.
Amazingly, he made it into my room, pretty quickly. Most unusual for him, as he often takes several yells, right into his ear, before he even stirs.

He stood at the side of the bed, hair sticking up; nightshirt all crumpled and hands on his butt. I didn’t say a word, just pointed at the snake, who seemed totally oblivious to all the trouble he was causing, and was still asleep.

I was not prepared to listen to any explanation, although for once in his life, Joe was reluctant, or unable, to give me one. I just ordered him to take the snake out to the shed and to then return to his room, where I would be waiting for him.

Adam was on the landing, as Joe went past with Fred, but he said nothing. Joe did introduce us to the snake, in an attempt to make me feel friendlier towards it, I suppose, but it didn’t work.

When the boy returned to his room, I was sitting on his bed. I didn’t say much, other than I was very disappointed that he had disobeyed me, when I had made my position so very clear. He didn’t say much, either; I think he could see that there was no point, trying to plead his case.

I took hold of his arm and pulled him across my knee, and administered six firm slaps to his bottom. I helped him into bed and sat with him while he had a little cry and then we made up. I never go to sleep without my boys knowing how much I love them. I might punish them, but I always make sure they know that it doesn’t change the way I feel about them.

Finally, I was able to return to my bed and the rest of the night passed by, uneventfully, seeing as how Hoss was in the shed with Oscar and Fred.

Adam

That little brother of mine really did it this time. I knew it as soon as I saw that snake. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Where on earth did they found the nerve to bring a python home? It’s sheer luck it wasn’t a full-grown python, because even if they couldn’t eat a horse, I’m sure they could strangle horses and cattle. It amazed me that Pa didn’t even tell them to take it back. Not that they could have done that, but still. Pa is far too indulgent with Joe. And with Hoss for that matter, although a look is usually enough for him.

Joe was lucky that snake didn’t find it’s way to my bed. I know Pa spanked him, but come on, if I had pulled a stunt like that when I was his age, I wouldn’t have been able to sit for a week. Okay, that might be slightly exaggerated, but I would have felt it for some time. Joe just cries and bats his eyes and Pa falls for it every time.

That can really be infuriating, but on the other hand, if that snake had found its way to my bed, I don’t think I had done much more damage. He can be so sad when he’s in trouble. And the point is as soon as the cat’s out of the bag, he’s always sorry for what he’s done. He always apologizes and hardly sasses Pa when he’s in for it. I know I could have avoided a lot of trouble in my time if I had done the same. It was usually my smart mouth that got me in just that bit of extra trouble.

Well, when the tears stopped I allowed myself to turn over and go to sleep. I felt sorry for my other brother who was in the shed with a mad dog and a snake, but I figured he made his own bed, so I fell asleep in my warm and comfortable one, dreaming of what else my brothers would do to entertain me.

Little Joe

I suppose that I didn’t really expect anything else, but a spanking, once the cat was outta the bag, or the snake outta my room. After all, it must’ve been a heck of a shock for Pa, to pull back the covers on his bed and find a python curled up there. Pa is very good at offering hospitality to anyone in need of shelter, but this was taking things a bit far.

Pa made me take Fred back to the shed and I disturbed Hoss, as I did so. He wasn’t too happy, as he’d been finding it hard to get to sleep, because of Oscar. The dog wanted to lie on him and although small, he was heavy and was pressing down on a certain part of my brother’s body, making it very difficult for him to get comfortable. I didn’t havta explain anything to Hoss, he’d heard the yelling and knew what was going on. As I left, he wished me luck, but that didn’t do me no good, I knew I was in for it.

Pa stayed with me, until I calmed down, and then he returned to his room, with a final warning as to what would happen if anymore animals found their way into the house.

The next day, poor Hoss looked terrible and he said that I had to spend the night in the shed, as he wasn’t doing it every night. I sure wasn’t looking forward to doing that and hoped that Pa might forbid it, saying I was too young to be outside all night, but he didn’t. He just said that if I wanted my share of the money, I had to earn it. I was very tempted to say that Hoss could have it all, but I caught the look on Adam’s face, as he listened to us talk, and I wasn’t about to give my smug, older brother the satisfaction of saying ‘I told you so’ He’d already said that he didn’t reckon I would stick with the job and so I was determined to prove him wrong.

As I was doing my yard chores, the Reverend Hammond arrived. He said that he had to go away on a seminar for learning more about his job and wanted us to take care of his parrot. It made me wanna giggle, I got this picture in my head of all these men, kneeling down on the ground, trying out different prayers on each other.
I managed to keep a straight face and called for Hoss to come and join us. He said that we would do it and he would go by and collect the parrot, the next morning, before the reverend left for Carson City.

For the rest of the day, Oscar followed Hoss around, as he did his chores, and I paid several visits to the shed, to play with Fred. He was real fascinating and I loved watching him slithering about. I still wasn’t that keen about spending the night with him and Oscar, though, but I knew I had to do it.

When Pa announced it was my bedtime, I went upstairs to get undressed and then collected my bedroll and a pillow and headed off for the shed. Hoss was already there, keeping Oscar company and was more than happy to let me take over. It was a real warm night and the shed was stifling, but I didn’t wanna leave the window open, for two reasons. One was that someone might get in and the other was that Fred might get out.
I got myself as comfortable as I could, but it took me ages to get to sleep, cos Oscar kept shifting his position and Fred was restless, plus I was sure that there was something in the yard that was out to get me. It’s all Adam’s fault, cos he tells me scary bedtime stories, when Pa is away, and then wonders why I end up in his bed. Eventually, I did manage to get to sleep, but I was very relieved when morning arrived and Hoss came to wake me up, before leaving to get the parrot.

Hoss

After those two horrible nights the feelin' of sleepin' in my own, warm an' comfortable bed was indescribable. It was like coming home after the cattle drive. I woke up a new man, well Pa wouldn't quite call me a man, but ya know what I mean. I got dressed and to be honest I kinda took my time, shavin' an' washin' up.

I even wanted ta have breakfast afore wakin' up Joe, but Pa said that weren't the brotherly thing ta do. So I dragged myself outside ta the shed an' woke up that little brother of mine. He seemed relieved an' I knew how he felt, havin' spent the previous night there.

After breakfast I quickly left fer town ta get the parrot. Reverend Hammond was very fond of the bird an' seemed reluctant ta hand 'im over. I assured 'im that Koko would be perfectly happy and safe with us. He would be well taken care of. I guess I managed ta convince 'im, cos he finally handed over the bird, who immediately said "God bless". He didn't stop sayin' that all the way home. Every bump in the road, everyone we met, it was always "God bless". It was startin' ta annoy me. But I figgered he'd stop as soon as we got him settled. It was probably jest the nerves of bein' out of his own environment.

No such luck though. As Pa didn't want 'im in the house, I figgered he'd be fine on the porch fer now. It was pretty warm, thank goodness, so he could stay outside. I was tryin' ta mend a wheel from the wagon an' so I was workin' in the yard. Now I know it ain't a word ya say, especially with a youngster like Joe around, but at one point the wheel slipped an' landed on my foot. Don't know how I escaped gettin' really hurt, but my toes are still there, it just hurt like heck, an' ya know when that happens, a man tends ta say words he ain't supposed ta say. So I called out "DAMN".

I know I shocked myself an' I looked around ta see if'n anyone heard me, but there were no one around. Just that dad blamed bird and that just answered "God bless". Okay I hafta admit, that did make me laugh. Not that the bird knew what it was saying, but sometimes he said it at the most appropriate times.

I went back ta work an' after the wheel was fixed I started checking the shoes on Buck and Chubby. While I was doin' that the hands returned from work, well, those who weren't too far away that is, ta have lunch. Most o' them went straight ta the food, they were guys I could talk with, but there was one, Hank, who seemed very interested in Koko. He kept lookin' at 'im an' finally he went over ta the porch an' started talkin' ta him. I think he said something with "bless" and the bird answered with "Damn". I felt my face grow hot, but the hand just repeated what the bird had said. An' the bird answered with "God bless".

After that Hank made a game outta it. He kept repeatin' an' repeatin' an' whenever he swore the bird said "God bless", but when he said "God bless" the bird swore. I wanted ta disappear from the face of the earth. I had taught the reverend's parrot to swear. Well, okay, it had been a mistake on my part, but with Hank's help ya couldn't call it a mistake anymore. How on earth were we supposed ta face the reverend again? What would we say? I jest wanted ta crawl under a rock an' not come out, which ain't easy fer a feller my size.

Little Joe

I was so glad when it was morning and I could leave the shed; it was stuffy and smelly, cos of that darn dog. I went up to my room to get dressed and there was Patch, asleep on my bed. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound, I get turfed outta my bed, cos of a stupid dog, and my dog steals it. Still, I couldn’t really blame him. He would’ve slept with me, in the shed, if Oscar had been a bit more friendly.

After breakfast, during which Oscar howled the whole time, Hoss said he was gonna go and get the parrot. I stayed at home, to look after our other guests. Oscar and Patch came with me, as I did my chores, keeping out of each other’s way, and then we went back to the shed, to let Fred out for some exercise. Pa came to have a look at him. He doesn’t mind snakes, just as long as they’re not in his bed. Fred seemed to be eyeing Oscar up as his next meal, there was plenty of fat on him, and so I returned the snake to his box.

When Hoss got back with Koko, I only got a quick look at him, before Adam asked me to go and help him up at the corrals. Working with horses is what I wanna do the most and so I was glad to go. Hoss said he had yard chores to do and so could keep a watch over Oscar, Fred and Koko. Patch came with me, glad to have me to himself. I think he’s a bit jealous of our guests, but I’ve told him that I will buy him a gift, once they all go home and we get paid.

I spent most of the afternoon with Adam, it was great. I love being with my oldest brother; he just about knows everything that there is to know about ranching and now he’s teaching me. Him and Pa kinda learned together, when they first settled on the Ponderosa and between them, with Hoss and me, we’ve got the best spread in the territory, and the biggest. I am real proud of my Pa and my brothers; they’re just about the best family ever.

When we got back to the yard, I was hot and tired and I went over to the water pump to wash up. Hoss came to join me and as I lifted up my head, from the stream of water, I could see that he was worried about something. He looked around, before he spoke, and then told me about the parrot picking up bad language. Well, I just started to laugh, not quite what Hoss was hoping for, but I couldn’t help it. I laughed until I ‘bout peed my pants and Hoss was getting madder by the minute. I couldn’t even make it across the yard to the outhouse, so ducked behind a tree to relieve myself and Hoss followed me. Now, I’m not bothered about him watching me, but I nearly peed on his boots, as he stood right in front of me. He told me to quit laughing, else he was gonna pound on me, and, for once, I took him seriously. I buttoned up and asked him to tell me what was wrong. Of course, when he explained that the reverend was going to be real angry when he heard what Koko had learned, and that Pa was likely to throw a hissy, when he knew that Hoss was the one the parrot had heard it from, well, I didn’t feel like laughing no more.

Hoss was looking to me to sort it out, but as I said, I’m just a kid, what do I know? That excuse comes in mighty handy, at times, I can tell you.

Adam

Even though I was in the barn taking care of the horses it was hard not to hear that giggle. We actually had had a very good day. Little Joe had been a great help. Hadn't complained about a thing and so I offered to tend to the horses while he washed up. Poor kid looked pretty tired and definitely in need of a bath, but a quick wash would do for the time being.

Well, as soon as I heard that giggle I knew he was laughing at my other brother. It was the way he was laughing. So when I was finished I casually walked out into the yard and walked right up to them. By then the giggles had made place for a sick look. One that told me there was trouble.

And oh boy was there trouble! Both were reluctant to tell me, so getting the complete story out of them was like pulling a tooth, slow and painful. I had a hard time not to laugh when I did finally hear it. Okay, okay, I'll admit it: I did laugh. I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to. Which I didn't. It was just too funny. Just the thought of Hoss swearing was hilarious enough to have me clutching my sides. That boy doesn't swear often. Took him about one meeting with Hop Sing's lye soap to learn to use other words while Pa was around. In fact, even when Pa wasn't around, which is more than you can say for me.

But of course I relented when they started begging me to help them. Little Joe seemed convinced I would have a solution. A cure so to speak. It's funny how he always seems to think I know everything, except when I'm telling him something he doesn't want to hear.

Well, in this case I didn't have a cure, but I figured since parrots seemed to learn by copying and repeating I could give it a go. As Pa was still in town and wouldn't be home for supper, we had a bit of time and I started to get Koko to associate "God bless" with "thank you" figuring that would be a harmless association if he turned it around like he had done with Hoss' swearing.

It took me about two hours, but after that every time someone said "Thank you" Koko said "God bless" and when we said "God bless" Koko said "thank you". I looked at my brothers in triumph. It seemed this treatment had been a success and I felt like laughing again when I saw their faces. They sure didn't like it that big brother had had to come to the rescue again.

Finally, about an hour after suppertime Pa came home and it was hilarious to see those two boys running to make things comfortable for him. Joe got him his pipe, Hoss his brandy. I thought they were going to push him into his chair and prop his feet on the table before he'd even had time to take off his coat.

Pa obviously knew something was up, but he had the wrong idea as to the cause, as he told them that he wouldn't budge. No animals in the house and that Joe had to do his equal share in sleeping in the shed. Koko was an exception at night, because it was a tropical bird and even the warm summer nights of Nevada might be too cold for him.

Joe had just about tried anything to get out of sleeping in the barn. Hoss told him that he had spent two nights with Oscar now, one night Oscar had slept in his bed and the next he had slept in the shed, so Joe still had one night to go. If looks could kill, I'd have had one brother less.

Joe had one trick up his sleeve though. He tried to convince Pa the animals made him sneeze. And to demonstrate his argument he made a point of sneezing when he passed Koko. Pa looked up and said, "Bless you".

The look on all their faces was one of shock, although for different reasons, when Koko answered, quite loud "Damn".

Pa

The silence was deafening and I could feel three pairs of eyes trained on me, waiting for me to explode. Privately, I thought it was rather funny, but I couldn’t let the boys know that. Somebody must have taught the parrot to say that word and I was anxious to find out who it was. I scanned the three faces before me and came to rest on Hoss, as he was the one looking the guiltiest. That didn’t necessarily mean it was him, mind you; Hoss always looks guilty when there is mischief afoot.

However, he began to stammer out his apologies, explaining that he had dropped the wagon wheel on his foot and that the word had slipped out. How was he to know that Koko would repeat it? Then he told me that Adam had tried to break the bird of the habit of saying it, but it hadn’t worked.

Although I’d thought, fleetingly, that it was quite funny, I soon changed my mind, when I began to consider the implications of this. When the Reverend Hammond heard what his bird was now saying, after spending time with the Cartwright boys, we would be extremely unpopular.

I couldn’t really see what else we could do, to stop the bird from cussing. While I considered the problem, I gave Hoss a severe tongue-lashing and warned him that the lye soap would find its way into his mouth, if I caught him using that word again. He hung his head and apologised, once more, and I knew that he was sincere.

The only thing I could come up with was for us to try and teach Koko some other words, in the hope that the new ones would make him forget the bad one. If it didn’t work, then we would just have to confess to the reverend and hope that his seminar had taught him about forgiveness, although it was something that a reverend should already know a fair bit about.

The boys agreed to the plan and we all spent the next couple of days teaching Koko as many words as we could. It did seem to be working, as he tended to repeat the latest word he’d learned, but, occasionally, the one we were trying to erase from his mind, popped up to the surface again. We had a week before the reverend was returning and so we persevered, as we couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Hoss

I tried ta forget that whole incident, but it weren’t easy. I felt bad enough an’ when Pa started lookin’ at us with that look of him, I couldn’t help stammerin’. It had been a while since he had chewed me out like that. An’ specially fer something I’d done by myself, ‘stead of with Little Joe. I had no doubt that Pa meant what he said, that’s one thing ya can say ‘bout our Pa, he never makes an idle threat, so I was mighty careful with my words an’ tried ta put it all behind me.

Koko kinda made that difficult. Every time that dad blamed bird slipped up, my face grew hot again an’ I didn’t know where ta look. Little Joe suggested puttin’ some lye soap in Koko’s food, but I told ‘im birds ain’t like people.

But I must say Koko slipped up less an’ less an’ by the time we got our next customer, a few days later, I was almost positive that we wouldn’t hafta tell Reverend Hammond. Our next customer was something that we didn’t think we could mess up, even if we tried. It was just the sweetest cat you ever saw. I wished Pa would let it in the house, but no such luck, so I jest cuddled with it in the barn. Somehow it liked the barn better than the shed. Maybe it was Oscar, maybe Fred. Not sure.

There was one customer Mitzi did like: Koko. So we couldn't let Koko outta his cage no more. Fortunately Mitzi was a bit on the fat side an' she couldn't chase Koko if'n she tried.

The shed was startin' ta get crowded. We had Oscar there, Fred an' the day after we got Mitzi I was in town an' I met Mrs Green's little boy. He was cryin' cos he'd won a rabbit in a bet, but he didn't know how ta tell his folks. If'n he told 'em he'd been bettin' he'd be in trouble an' well, the little feller was jest stuck an' what was I supposed ta do? So I told 'im I'd take him for a few days, he could come an' visit any time.

Course I couldn't make the boy pay, he didn't have no money, so I paid fer it outta my own pocket and was startin' ta wonder if'n I'd ever make any money outta this business. Up till now I'd been paying fer the ads, the posters, the food an' I was quickly runnin' outta money.
I hoped things would be pickin' up soon.

At home I made a nice little home in the shed fer the nameless rabbit, although I had started ta call it Spot. It was a cute little feller. He liked ta sniff yer hand an' run in his cage. I impressed on Joe the importance of makin' sure Fred didn't get a hold of 'im. Cause Spot was jest about the right size fer the baby python.

After I had made sure Joe took good care of 'im I spent the next two days actually workin' on the ranch. We had tried Pa's patience long enough and he did say the work weren't ta suffer. So I put in a good day's work an' came home feelin' every muscle in my body. I took Chubby into the barn an' expected ta see Mitzi wagglin' towards me, but she didn't come. I quickly stabled Chubb an' looked at her little corner of the barn. She weren't there.

A cold feelin' came over me. What if Fred….? So with sweaty palms I dragged myself over ta the shed already picturin' the satisfied look on Fred's face, bits of fur on the floor an' the cage open, but none of that. Fred looked exactly like always, an' the cage was closed. I sighed with relief, but then realised I still didn't know where Mitzi was.

I looked all over the barn, the shed, the yard an' started ta think maybe Joe had taken her inside when I heard Adam callin' out our names. If'n ya've ever heard my brother yell like that ya'd know there was something wrong. I went inside and heard him yellin' out again. The sound was definitely comin' from upstairs.

I walked upstairs to his room an' saw him standin' in front of his wardrobe. He motioned fer me to come closer and told me ta look. I did.

Inside Adam's wardrobe, on top of his best shirt, was Mitzi with 5 of the cutest kittens ya've ever seen. I didn't even think of Adam's annoyance because of his shirts. They were jest too cute. I got down on my knees and watched them squirmin' around.

Pa

After Joe’s spanking and Hoss’ close brush with the soap, I was hoping for some peace around the ranch, but soon discovered that was wishful thinking.

Oscar and Fred seemed to have settled down, but Koko was still making the occasional slip up, although these were less frequent than they had been.
Mitzi didn’t appear to be any trouble at all; she just wandered around the barn and yard, keeping herself to herself, too fat to give us problems. I should have paid her more attention, as then I would have noticed her condition, but I didn’t really get that close.

As I rode home that day, I was hoping for a quiet ten minutes, reading the paper and then enjoying a bath, before supper. My old bones protest now, when I have to spend all day in the saddle and I had ridden a fair way, in search of strays. I had left it to the hands to return them to the pasture and gone to town to pick up the mail. At the post office, I found a small wooden crate, containing a tiny female rabbit. Attached was a note, saying that the rabbit belonged to Joe’s friend, Johnny. He and his mother had to go to visit an old friend who was having her fourth baby, and were asking Little Joe to look after the rabbit. She was a very rare breed, and they were hoping to mate her with another of the same type and produce pedigree offspring. Apparently, there’s a market for these, back east, and people pay a lot of money for them. I handed her over to Hoss and he said he would put her into one of the cages, which he had made to house his wild animal patients.

I entered the house and was greeted by my eldest son, complaining about the fact that Mitzi had used his wardrobe in which to give birth. Joe was trying to explain that she wouldn’t allow them to move her, as she was protecting her babies and lashed out, with a paw full of claws, every time Joe tried.

Although I could appreciate why Adam was angry, I also had sympathy for the cat and agreed with Little Joe, when he said she couldn’t be moved, until she was ready to go. Adam eventually calmed down, but insisted that Hoss and Joe replaced his shirt, out of the money they were earning for looking after the cat. Joe agreed, but I could see that he was doing the calculations in his head and wondering, yet again, whether this pet sitting service had been a good idea.

We still had to listen to Oscar howling, as we ate our supper, and to make it worse, Koko decided to imitate the dog and so we were getting double the dose. However, a howling parrot was better than a cursing one and so I didn’t complain, too much. I privately looked forward to the day that my home was free of all our guests, though, and sincerely hoped that Hoss and Joe would not wish to continue the pet sitting service the next time Little Joe was on vacation from school; it was just too wearing on us all.

Adam

The place was beginning to look like a zoo. There were pets all over the place. When you think about it it’s actually pretty funny. When I was a kid Pa never allowed us to have a pet. Only animals that could earn their keep. It made sense of course, but well, to be honest, I still think he had another motive as well. What harm could one dog have done? This was worse.

Of course Joe would be quick to argue that these animals WERE earning their keep, but frankly I doubted it. Between the costs for the cages, the feed, the ads and the poster, I doubted they had much money left.

And I was going to make sure they bought me an exact same shirt as the one their little project had ruined. It was my best shirt, for Pete’s sake. It had been a special order from San Francisco and it had cost me about a week’s wages. Oh they would be sorry they had ever laid eyes on that cat. And to top it all I still had that cat with her kittens in my wardrobe. Why couldn’t she have picked Hoss’ wardrobe or Joe’s? Or Pa’s for that matter. That could have made for a good show. I bet Pa would have remembered what he threatened would happen if another animal found his way into the house, if he had found Mitzi on top of HIS shirts.

Well, can’t change it now so I might as well get used to the situation and to be honest: those kittens are kind of cute.

In all the commotion Hoss was still holding on to that second rabbit and he gave it to Joe to put in the shed in a cage, so he could see if he could do anything to make Mitzi’s life a bit more comfortable. Or so he said, don’t see how she could be any more comfortable than on my favourite shirt.

Anyway, I tried to put it behind me, as the next day passed and Joe and Hoss seemed to settle into a routine where those animals were concerned. Hoss had a hard time keeping up with his work and I must admit that I did push him just a little too much. I finally decided to give him a break and made sure his work was closer to the ranch so he could combine things more easily.

Two days after we discovered the cat on my shirt I had to go to town to pick up someone from the stagecoach. I wasn't sure whom to look for, as I didn't know this man. All I knew was that I was to pick up one J. Standish from San Francisco, who was coming to the Ponderosa because of some business deal with Pa.

As the passengers got off the stage I didn't see anyone who could pass for a businessman from San Francisco. I almost left when a lady called my name. Well, to make a long story short this lady turned out to be Josephine Standish. She was obviously a lady, not just in dress, but also in her manners and her wonderful smile and her obvious intellect immediately impressed me.

As Pa had asked me to bring her to the Ponderosa, as soon as she arrived, we headed to the ranch. We talked about a lot while we were riding, she had been well educated and it was a treat to be able to talk to her for over an hour.

We arrived in the yard, just before lunch, and I offered her my arm, as we walked towards the house, and I held the door open for her. Suddenly she almost fainted into my arms. When I looked towards the rug I realised why. Right there on the floor, those two rabbits were, well, they were following their natural rabbit instincts, doing what rabbits do best: making baby rabbits, as Hoss would call it.

Little Joe

I was getting exhausted, looking after all the animals. Wouldn’t have been so bad if I could’ve got a decent night’s sleep, each night, but I had to take my turn in the shed, and Oscar’s snoring was worse than Hoss’.
I thought we had enough to cope with, so was not too happy when Hoss came home with yet another rabbit, ‘specially as I got outta him that we weren’t gonna be paid for looking after it. Spot, that’s what Hoss called him, was a scrawny looking rabbit, no where near as nice as Johnny’s pet. Hoss stressed upon me the importance of keeping ‘em apart and stuttered and stammered, as he tried to explain why. Honestly, anyone would think I was a little kid. I have grown up on a ranch and I do know what hasta happen to make babies. I also knew that all Johnny’s plans would be ruined if Spot had the chance to have his way with Princess (I think Johnny’s Ma must’ve named her)

All was reasonably quiet, for a few days at least. Adam kept having digs about his shirt and Mitzi’s brood keeping him awake, as they yowled for their food, but I kept him sweet, by offering him two shirts. Course, I wished I hadn’t when I found out how much they cost, but a Cartwright’s word is his bond and so I told him to order ‘em and Hoss and me would pay.

Patch and Oscar were getting on a little bit better and Koko was swearing less. Maybe that was the trouble, I let my guard down.

Hoss was off checking fences, Pa had seen through Adam’s attempts to allow Hoss to work close to the house, and so I was in charge of the pets. I’d fed Oscar and Mitzi, Fred had been out for his morning slither, well, you can’t call it a stroll, can ya? And Koko was on the porch, singing a nursery rhyme. Spot was back in his cage, after I’d cleaned it out, and I was now doing Princess’ hutch and she was stretching her legs, hopping round the barn.

I was so involved in what I was doing, that I failed to see that Princess had gone out in the yard. What was more worrying, was that Spot had got outta his cage, maybe I didn’t close it properly? and his mind turned straight to love. It was a warm day and the front door was open. Princess went to check out the house and Spot followed. The first I knew of it was when I heard my eldest brother shout out my name.
I ran to the house, to find Spot and Princess, doing what comes naturally, in front of the fireplace, and Adam supporting a young lady in his arms, and looking like he was ready to commit murder.

Adam

I could throttle Joe and as soon as I had made sure Miss Standish was all right I turned to Joe, demanding a full explanation, or else. He seemed to have lost most of his sass and the words came tumbling out. Of course he hadn't meant for it to happen. If he had he'd have been over my knee right there and then, but it was very careless and Miss Standish was still very embarrassed. Not to mention the fact that Pa had warned him what would happen if he found another animal in the house. He escaped with Mitzi, unfortunately, but I would make sure he wouldn't escape now, or my name wasn't Adam Cartwright.

I didn't get far though. Just after Joe had told me how those two rabbits could have found their way into the main room, and I was ready to kill him, we heard a buggy in the yard. I quickly went to the door to find Reverend Hammond on the porch. He came to collect his parrot. I saw Joe cringe just a little when he saw the reverend, but it seemed everything went well. We invited the reverend in for a cup of coffee and he accepted the invitation.
Fortunately for us, those two rabbits had stopped their activities; I suppose it was getting a bit too busy for them in the room. I ordered Joe to put them back in their separate cages, which he did without arguing. I guess he wanted to be as far away from Koko as possible and he stayed away for far too long, as far as I was concerned.

Well, Reverend Hammond and Miss Standish got involved in a talk about the lack of morals amongst modern day youngsters and I tried to be polite and put in a few words too, occasionally, but in fact I wanted to roll my eyes, like Joe would have done. It wasn't as if Miss Standish was an elderly lady, if I had to guess her age, I'd say she was about two, maybe three years older than I was.

I was still trying to come up with a good excuse to get out of there when Pa and Hoss came home. Hoss paled a bit when he saw the reverend, but he turned absolutely green when Miss Standish started to complain about the state of the main room when she came in. I hadn't planned on telling Pa about it, but now I had no choice than to tell him everything.

While I was talking to Pa, Hoss helped himself to a brandy, probably thinking he needed it. Reverend Hammond tried to get Miss Standish in a better mood by showing her Koko and what he had spent days on teaching him. He told her to say "hi" to Koko, which she did. Unfortunately, the result wasn't what the reverend thought it would be. It seemed we hadn't been successful in our efforts and Koko was still cursing.

The reverend was furious and shocked and Miss Standish's reaction was one of disgust. She glared at Pa and told him that it was obvious in what kind of environment she had landed herself. He was not the type of man she would allow herself to do business with, and she asked the reverend to return her to town, as far away from our family as possible.

For a little while Pa didn't seem to get a grasp on what was happening, but as soon as he did, you could see steam coming out of his ears. He was embarrassed beyond belief and I sat down in the blue chair watching Hoss try to disappear into the kitchen and Joe's face in the doorway, realisation of what had just happened clearly written on his face.

Pa

Once again, it appeared that I had come home to yet another embarrassing scene, courtesy of my two youngest boys. So far, the parrot hadn’t let us down, but the rabbits making out on the rug, was bad enough. I was ready to do some serious damage to my little boy’s behind, when I found him, and then Koko said his party piece. Well, Miss Standish looked like she was going to have an apoplectic fit and poor Reverend Hammond went white, then red, changing colour faster than a chameleon.

I just stood with my mouth open, unable to utter a word, but Miss Standish more than made up for it. She went on, for at least twenty minutes, about the appalling standard of behaviour she had encountered, since arriving in Virginia City, and then declared that she was leaving, as soon as was humanly possible. Any idea of her conducting business with me, left with her.
The reverend picked up Koko’s cage and followed Miss Standish to his buggy. Just before he left, he suggested that the whole family got down on our knees and asked the good Lord for forgiveness. I was able to stammer out an apology and inform him that we would be doing just that.

As soon as we were on our own, I called Erik and Joseph to my study. I demanded a full explanation of the rabbit incident and, once Joe told me, I reminded him of my warning of what I would do, if anymore of the pets found their way into the house. Hoss could not be blamed, as he wasn’t even there when the rabbits got out, but I kept him in the room when I put Joe across my knee and gave the boy half a dozen swats, with the palm of my hand. I wanted Hoss to be punished, too, as the animals were the responsibility of both of the boys, and seeing his little brother receive a spanking, was part of that punishment. In addition, I instructed Hoss that he would now be responsible for going into town and trying to persuade Miss Standish to reconsider her position, regarding our business deal. I would also be increasing his workload for the next week, as he had been the one who’d taught Koko the swear word, in the first place, and now we had the reverend thinking that my boys were a bunch of heathens.

Once I’d finished reading them the riot act, I calmed down and gave Joe a hug. I hadn’t hit him that hard, but the spanking was not the main thing on his mind. He knew that if Princess became pregnant, after her dalliance with Spot, then Johnny and his mother were not likely to pay for her board and lodgings. They wanted any of her offspring to be pure-bred and Spot definitely did not fit that criteria.

Understandably, the Reverend Hammond had not paid the boys, either. Spot was staying free of charge, Oscar had eaten any profit they were likely to make, because of his voracious and expensive eating habits, and so that only left Fred and Mitzi. By the time Hoss and Joe repaid Adam for the shirt, that money would be gone, too, and so the boys had been through two weeks of deprivation of sleep, and hard work, practically for nothing. Little Joe obviously realised this and the tears he shed, in my arms, were for his empty pocket, not his sore bottom.

I consoled him, the best I could, and explained that not all business ventures have a happy ending.
However, this one did get a little better for my boys.

A couple of days later, I was in town, after having concluded my business with Miss Standish. Amazingly, Hoss had been able to win her round. As I walked past the Territorial Enterprise office, I noticed a poster in the window, offering a reward for a rabbit, which sounded remarkably like Spot.

By now, all the other pets had been returned to their owners, but we still had Spot, as Mrs Green refused to allow her boy to keep him.
I couldn’t believe that anyone would be willing to pay good money to get a rabbit back, but I suppose if it had been Patch who was missing, I would’ve done the same for Joe, and it did say that the rabbit was a beloved pet.

I made some enquiries and arranged for the possible owner to come and identify the rabbit, the following day.

Mr Collins, a banker from Carson City and his little girl, Rebecca, arrived the next morning and were overjoyed to be reunited with Spot. He had got out of their yard and had been picked up by some travellers, who had then offloaded him onto young Billy Green. Mr Collins insisted on paying Hoss the reward, even though I argued that it wasn’t necessary, and so the boys ended up, a little bit better off than they’d expected to.

Hoss

Pa sure was mad at us. I’d thought fer sure he was gonna burst a vein, but that didn’t happen. What did happen was bad enough. I wanted ta leave the room when Pa took Joe over his knee, but he made me stay and watch. I’d have given anything if I could’ve taken it for him, but I s’pose Pa knows that an’ knows that this way we’re both bein’ punished. Why’d he have ta be such a smart man?

The “convincin’ Miss Standish ta reconsider”-part of my punishment was even worse, if’n that’s possible. How could Pa expect me ta talk her into stayin’ an’ doin’ business with Pa? Me! I ain’t never been good with words. An’ frankly that Miss Standish scared the heck outta me.

Funny thing is that once I’d stammered through my apologies to her we got to talkin’. She obviously found it very nice that I’d come ta town ta apologise an’ when I told her the entire story ‘bout the petsitting-business, how we got all them animals an’ ‘bout all the problems we’d had with ‘em endin’ with them rabbits an’ Koko swearin’, well, when she’d heard all that, she actually started ta laugh. She thought Little Joe an’ me were two very enterprisin’ boys an’ she thought that we’d jest been unlucky, there was no reason that this would happen another time. We jest needed ta think our business-plan through next time.

We ended up havin’ lunch in The International Hotel where she was stayin’ an’ had a good time. I told her ‘bout some other ideas we had an’ suddenly, I don’t know who said it first, we had this idea fer the rabbits. If’n Princess were gonna have baby rabbits then we could sell the babies, they’d be half-breeds after all, an’ would probably still make good money.

I liked that idea, but unfortunately Little Joe an’ I couldn’t do that ‘cause Princess would be collected before any possible babies would be born. It did get me thinkin’ though. We still had the kittens an’ who didn’t like kittens? When I told Little Joe a few days later he got excited too an’ was already startin’ ta think of makin’ this into our new business. We could use the reward money an’ try ta double or triple it by sellin’ baby-kittens.

He could talk ‘bout nothing else until at supper Pa finally reminded us calmly that Mitzi weren’t our cat an’ she’d already been pregnant when she got here. It weren’t our kittens ta sell. I was really disappointed, but when I looked at Joe the look on his face told me he wouldn’t forget ‘bout this idea. The fact we couldn’t do it this time, didn’t mean we couldn’t a next time. I grinned an’ shook my head. That little brother of mine will never learn…….neither will I fer that matter.

THE END (or is it?)

February 2003

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