WHN The Wooing Of Abigail Jones

The Rocky Road To Love

Written by Katja (Hoss and Adam) and Lynne (LJ and Pa)

 

 

Little Joe

 

The wedding of Miss Abigail Jones and Mr Hank Myers was attended by just about everyone who lived in and around Virginia City, and Pa very kindly let them hold the wedding breakfast at our place. Don't rightly know why it's called a breakfast, as we ate lunch, but what the heck, it was a great party. Mitch and me managed to have several glasses of the alcoholic punch, before my Pa caught on to what I was doing and then I was banned from having anymore. The gals from school were all decked out in their prettiest dresses and now that Mitch, Will, Johnny and me have left school, they were real keen to be seen dancing with us. Don't really understand why, it's only been a few weeks since we left, and it's not like we've changed much, but they seemed to think it made us more grown up. Wish Pa would see it like that. I'm now working full time on the ranch, but I don't get treated like a proper hand, as Pa says I’m still only learning, like an apprentice. Pa won't let me join in the Saturday night trips to town, unless Hoss or Adam are along to keep an eye on me, and I still get a tanning, if I mess up, and no other ranch hand gets that. Thing is, that Pa wanted to keep me on at school, a little bit longer, but I begged to be able to leave, and to get my way, had to agree to certain conditions. Adam says that it was the same for him and Hoss and so I guess I can't complain too much, or else Pa will have my butt back on a bench in the schoolhouse, quick smart.

 

Anyway, back to the party. We all had a great time and Hoss and I were congratulating ourselves on getting Miss Jones and Hank together. He liked her, but she wasn't that interested, until we persuaded our eldest brother, Adam, to give Hank some pointers on how to woo her. It didn't go quite according to plan, but the outcome was what we wanted and that's all that really matters, ain't it? I don't think Adam quite saw it in such simple terms; at one point Miss Jones thought that he was the one who wanted to marry her, but we got it sorted and all ended well.

 

Maybe it was the punch I'd drunk, or the fact that I just got swept along by the idea of romance and how there must be many lonely people in the world, looking for partners, but a seed of an idea began to take root. I got Hoss to come outside with me and I put forward my plan. We could start up a dating agency, well, hopefully, a marriage bureau, and bring together some of them lonely people.

 

At the back of my mind was the thought that this would be a way for me to make money and right then, I needed some, desperately. You see, I'd had an accident in town and broken one of those huge shop front windows. When I say an accident, me and the guys had been messing about and I'd kicked a ball through it. Pa was not best pleased, as we've often been told to play outside of town; after all there ain't a shortage of open spaces, but, well, you know how these things just kinda happen? Pa gave me the money to pay for the window and I had to pay him back outta my wages, but I persuaded Madame Claudette to accept the money, once the window arrived, and it was gonna take a while, as it had to be specially made. I then used the money that Pa'd given me, to play poker with the ranch hands, but I lost and was now into them for my next three month's wages, too, and so had no money to pay back Pa or Madame Claudette for the window. It was due to be arriving in a couple of weeks and so I was in real trouble.

 

Of course, I didn't tell Hoss about any of this, as the family think that I have already paid for the window and just owe Pa. I let Hoss believe that my reasons for offering this service was because I wanted everyone to be as happy as Abigail and Hank were. This appealed to my brother's romantic side and he kinda liked the idea, although the drink may have helped him to come to that decision. He was almost writing poetry to the newlyweds; he was that moved by the event.

 

The party was not the place to be discussing all the finer details, just as well, cos I hadn't worked 'em all out yet. I didn't say anymore to Hoss, but I was pleased to see that he didn't just dismiss my plan. I said that we could talk more, another time, and he agreed.

 

 

Hoss

 

Now that was some weddin’! Dunno why,but weddings always git to me. It really goes straight t’my heart t’see a feller an’ his gal walkin’ down that aisle. They asked me t’give a little speech an’ ya know I ain’t one t’speak, but at a weddin’ I seem t’find the right words t’say.

 

The party at the ranch was great too. All them guests brought in extra grub an’ I was just havin’ myself a mighty fine time. Pa tried t’git me t’be more of a host, but that ain’t easy when there’s a great big ole weddin’ cake lookin’ ya right in the eye. There was whipped cream an’ cherries an’ oh boy was it yellin’ at me t’eat it. Couldn’t disappoint the weddin’ couple by not eatin’ my share of it, now could I? So I piled up my plate an’ found myself a nice, peaceful an’ specially quiet place on the landin’ t’eat. Didn’t want no one disturbin’ me an’ my pie, sweet potatoes, cornbread, chicken legs, well, I’d better stop, ya get the picture already.

 

While I was munchin’ on some chicken leg, I started thinkin’. I know Pa an’ ole Adam never thought Little Joe an’ I could pull it off, but we did. I dunno how we did it, but Hank was wooin’ an’ singin’ an’ ole Abigail really fell for it. Hard. An’ we didn’t jist make Abigail an’ Hank happy, we got her off Adam’s back too. Ya’d think a feller would be a might more grateful to his brothers fer that.

 

Okay, I must admit, ole Adam seemed t’be enjoyin’ himself at the party, dancin’ an’ sweettalkin’ them gals like only that older brother of mine can. Little Joe was enjoyin’ himself a little too much, too. He seemed t’be glued to that punchbowl. Good thing fer him that Pa didn’t see every dadblamed glass that boy took or else he’d have gotten more than a warnin’. Seems little brother don’t always know he ain’t grown up yet.

 

I had my share of that punch too, but heck, I’m older, I know it don’t affect me as it does him. I was on my third piece o’ pie when Little Joe found me. Said he wanted t’talk with me. Now I dunno why, but I put my plate down in my room t’save some fer later an’ I went with him.

 

I thought he’d jist wanted t’go to the porch, but he said he didn’t want anyone t’overhear us an’ so we walked all the way down t’the corral. I was thinkin’ t’myself that this had better not be some joke or else I was gonna pound him good. But it weren’t no joke. He had this great plan t’get us some money an’ make a lot of folks jist as happy as Abigail an’ Hank were.

 

Now, I always wanna make folks happy an’ I had some use fer that money too. I’d bin lookin’ at some mighty fine, but mighty expensive presents fer, well let’s say fer a certain little gal I had my eye on. But I weren’t dumb enough t’tell my little brother that. I weren’t plannin’ on settin’ myself up t’be teased again. That dadburned brother o’ mine can tease like no one.

 

So I kept my mouth shut tight an’ jist agreed it was a good plan. We’d hafta talk ‘bout them details, but he said we’d talk ‘bout that later. Considerin’ the long way we had ta walk t’git back, I didn’t really understand why we couldn’t jist talk about it on the way, but no use arguin’ with my little brother. Somehow he always manages t’git the last word. So why even bother t’try?

 

 

 

Little Joe

 

The day after the party, Pa set us on tidying up the house and the yard, it’s amazing where people leave glasses and plates, and, as we worked, we talked some more about our plans. First of all, we had to set up a post office box, as we could hardly have the mail being addressed to the Ponderosa. Pa and Adam were likely to pick up the letters from town, and they’d be a mite suspicious as to why me and Hoss were suddenly getting so much mail. We then needed to place an ad in several newspapers, to let people know about our service.

 

When we took a break for lunch, I found a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote out the ad. It took several attempts, cos Hoss ain’t got the way with words that I have and he just wanted to say ‘Need a mate, come to us for a date’ but I didn’t think that sounded very professional, in fact it was rather crude, I thought. First of all, we had to settle on a name for our agency. Again, Hoss had some dumb ideas, but eventually we chose Heart to Heart Dating Agency. The ad was gonna cost quite a bit and so I persuaded Hoss to raid his emergency money that he kept in his sock, at the bottom of his wardrobe. It was a good place to hide money, cos no self respecting burglar would bring himself to touch one of Hoss’ smelly socks. He was a bit reluctant to hand over the cash, but I explained about having to speculate to accumulate. He didn’t know what the heck I meant, neither did I, really, but I’d heard Adam say it and it sounded good.

 

I was rather proud of the ad, once I’d finally got it written. It said:

 

Are you looking for love?

Crave some stimulating conversation?

Yearn for that special someone who understands just how you feel?

Then look no further than us

Contact Heart to Heart Dating Agency

Just send along a letter telling us all about yourself and the kind of partner you are looking for, plus $5 registration fee, and we will do the rest.

 

All that we needed to do, now, was go and get the post office box set up and add the address to the ad. Getting into town was gonna be difficult, during the week, cos Pa didn’t often let me go, but Hoss usually went in for supplies and so I was hoping to persuade Pa to let me go along to help him. For some reason he don’t trust me to go alone, seems to think I’m bound to get into trouble, don’t know where he gets that idea from!

 

By Tuesday, Hop Sing was short of quite a few things, as he’d used a lot of supplies for the wedding breakfast, and Pa said I could go with Hoss, providing I stayed away from the saloon and we came straight back. I was happy to agree, as I had no money for spending on beer and all I wanted to do was get the ad in the papers and wait for the cash to come pouring in.

We got the box number, added it to the ad and dropped it off at the Territorial Enterprise office. They would carry the ad in their paper and also send it on to other papers in Carson City, Reno and Placerville.

As we rode home, I sat back in the wagon, with a satisfied smile on my face. This was gonna be as easy as taking candy off a baby.

 

 

Hoss

 

Joe seemed t’have it all figgered out. Heck, I never had thought of gettin’ a post office box. But the way he explained it t’me it made a lotta sense. I sure didn’t want Pa or ole Adam t’start askin’ all sorts o’ questions ‘bout them letters that would be pourin’ in, accordin’ to Little Joe.

 

We was gonna place an ad in the Territorial Enterprise, but thinkin’ of a good ad ain’t easy, I can tell ya. I started off with jokin’ ‘bout it, think Little Joe took me seriously an’ he started laughin’ at me, gettin’ that look in his eyes that people often get when they think I cain’t understand somethin’. Mostly I jist let ‘em think what they wanna, but when it’s my little brother, it kinda hurts, ya know. I ain’t stupid.

 

But anyway, little brother finally wrote down an ad that was sure t’attract some business. Heck, if I weren’t involved, I’da written a letter myself.

Now, don’t let little brother tell ya he thought up the name o’ the agency. That’s a tale he’s bin tellin’ everyone, but it ain’t true. I came up with it an’ he said it were a stupid name first an’ then later on he proposed it himself. Now I could’ve bin a nitpicker an’ argued him ‘bout it, but at least now we had a name we agreed on. So I decided t’be the wisest an’ oldest an’ keep my mouth shut again. It’s startin’ t’get a habit.

 

Then of course I was the one who had t’come up with the money for the ad. Could’ve seen that comin’ by a mile. Little Joe never has money an’ what he has he spends even before he gits his pay check. I think he spends a lotta of it in the Bucket o’ Blood on beer, or worse, an’ on gamblin’, but I ain’t got proof of that. If’n he is, for the sake of his hide I hope Pa won’t find out. But Pa has a way of always findin’ out everything. Can make a guy feel pretty jumpy too.

 

Well, finally Little Joe persuaded me t’hand over my savings with some fancy words I’m sure even he didn’t know the meanin’ of. Sure sounded good though. So now we’d only hafta wait fer a chance t’get to town together. Which weren’t easy, cos Pa knows little brother a mite too well. He knows Little Joe cain’t be trusted alone in town. But I was sure he’d let ‘im go with me t’get new supplies an’ he did. Had some conditions, but nuthing that we didn’t expect.

 

After we had made our arrangements in town, placin’ the ad an’ stuff, all we had t’do was sit back an’ wait fer the money t’start rollin’ in. Or that’s what Little Joe told me. I was already thinkin’ ‘bout all them folks we’d be makin’ happy, findin’ love through us. That was some thought.

An’ of course the thought of the money helped too. I’d already looked at some things while we were in town. Everything I could think of was more’n expensive. But she was worth it. That I was sure of. So I did what little brother did. I jist sat back and waited.

 

 

Little Joe

 

My family is always accusing me of being impatient and I guess it’s a fair comment. I was expecting the letters to come pouring in, immediately, and when they didn’t, I got kinda antsy. Hoss said I had to wait, it takes time for mail to get here. We ain’t exactly in the middle of a big city and I knew he spoke the truth, but I was still keen to see some money coming in.

 

Eventually, the letters began to arrive and I was the one who picked ‘em up. I’d gone into town with big brother, Adam, and I was anxious to go and collect the mail, alone, as I didn’t want him seeing what I was doing. As it was, the clerk in the post office was obviously curious, but he was new in town and so didn’t know me well enough, to ask why I was picking up letters for a dating agency. I did have a story all ready, in case he did ask. I was gonna say that I was doing it as a favour for the lady who was running the agency, but he never enquired. I guess he was being good at his job, as they are supposed to be discreet and respect customer’s confidentiality; I read that on a sign in the office.

I stuffed the letters into my saddlebags, before I met Adam at Daisy’s, and couldn’t wait to get home and get my hands on all that lovely money.

 

When I did get back to the ranch, I took my saddlebags up to my room, but wasn’t able to look at the letters, straight away, as Pa sent us to help Hoss mend some fence.

As Adam and I rode up to him, I managed to nod, letting him know that we’d had some responses. We both worked that much harder, for the rest of the day, as we wanted to go home and read ‘em.

 

It was after supper before we got the chance and we told Pa and Adam that we were tuckered out and were having an early night. Adam looked a mite suspicious, but then he was born cynical, but Pa was rather concerned, as he frets if he thinks I’ve been overdoing it. He still sees me as his little boy and fusses a fair bit. Mostly, I don’t mind, too much, but I didn’t want him coming upstairs and checking for fever or rashes and so I assured him I was fine, kissed him goodnight, and left the room.

 

As soon as we got up to my room, I poured the letters out of my saddlebags, onto the bed. We both sat down and began opening them, putting them in two piles, male and female, and the money into an old cookie jar I’d filched from the store room. I was more interested in the money, but Hoss started reading the letters. At one point, I looked over at him and I could see he was crying. He told me that the letter he was reading, was from a widow lady, with five children, and she was desperate for a husband for her, and a father for her babies. Hoss is such a softy and I teased him about it and said he ought to marry her. By then, I’d counted the money, we had $75, and so I started looking at the letters, too. After all, we needed to read ‘em to be able to match ‘em up with someone. I couldn’t see why Hoss was so moved by what he read, mostly they made me laugh and I just thought that they all sounded pretty pathetic. I guess that wasn’t very nice of me, but, without wishing to be big headed, I don’t have a lot of trouble attracting gals and so I couldn’t understand why these people couldn’t find their own partners. Hoss reckoned I should be a bit more compassionate, and as they were the ones who were lining my pockets with lovely cash, I guess he had a point, and I tried to keep a straight face, as I read the letters.

We didn’t get the chance to make any decisions on who to match with who, that night, as we heard Pa coming up to tuck me in (he still thinks I’m two). I quickly hid the letters under my bed and put the cookie jar at the bottom of my wardrobe. By the time Pa came in, Hoss was saying goodnight to me and I was in bed.

 

 

Hoss

 

It all took a little longer ‘n Little Joe’d thought. That little brother of mine may be known fer a lot but it ain’t fer his patience. But it figgers the mail don’t go fast. ‘Specially mail from Carson City, Placerville an’ Reno. That takes some time. But try tellin’ Little Joe that. He kinda expected results within a day. Aw, he’s only 16, I figger he’ll learn. Maybe.

 

Not that we’d had much chances t’go into town lately. Pa worked us pretty hard an’ most of the time Adam was the one gettin’selected t’git the mail or supplies an’ stuff. I’d gone with him once or twice, but there weren’t no letters yet.

 

Then one day my assigned job fer the day was mendin’ them dadblamed fences again. Ain’t one of my favorite chores, but I figger it ain’t just me thinkin’ that. Gotta admit though that Pa’s always pretty fair an’ none of us does it more often than t’other. Guess he know us too good.

Now, I don’t know how Little Joe’d managed t’wiggle his way outta it this time, but he must’ve sweet talked Pa good or used that puppy-look, cos he was goin’ with Adam t’git supplies fer Hop Sing.

 

It took them long enough too, but finally they came back an’ I was sure glad t’see them comin’. Mendin’ fences is bad enough, but it ain’t fun doin’ it alone. While they got their equipment an’ were puttin’ on their gloves, Little Joe gave me a nod, tellin’ me he had the letters. Now that was the best news I’d had all day!

 

We worked like madmen with those letters on our minds. An’ as soon as we’d  had supper that night, we excused ourselves. We got to Little Joe’s room and started openin’ them. I put the letters in two piles an’ Little Joe put the money in the jar. He couldn’t wait t’git his hands on all that money. He wasn’t really interested in the people who wrote to us.

 

As I started readin’ I realized jist how many unhappy an’ lonely people there were here. There were some heartbreakin’ letters from people desperately needin’ someone in their lives. There was a widow with five young’uns tryin’ to make ends meet, tryin’ t’find someone. She really seemed like a very strong woman, who jist had a very rough deal an’ jist needed someone t’hold and support her once in a while. Life ain’t fair sometimes an’ I really wished we could find her someone t’share her burdens with, not t’mention bein’ a father t’her kids. Jist the thought of those five little boys an’ gals without a Pa made me feel a little emotional.

 

She weren’t the only one either. Heck, even the minister seemed t’want someone t’grow old with, t’end his loneliness, an’ one of them miners. But Little Joe jist laughed at them. That boy jist don’t understand what it’s like not bein’ able t’talk to a gal ya like. To him it all comes so easy, ya know, he jist has to look at them, wink a little, give them one of them smiles and bang, it’s a done deal. Don’t always work fer others. I know. Don’t work for me either. Think that’s the reason I want this to work out. After readin’ all them letters I’d forgot ‘bout the money. Don’t matter to me. I jist wanted t’make this work fer all them folks, they needed help more ‘n  I needed that money.

 

Tried tellin’ Little Joe that, but that’s like talkin’ to a wall, heck even a cow listens better than that little brother of mine.

 

We didn’t git the chance to start matchin’ them though, cos by the time we finished readin’ we heard Pa comin’ up to tuck in his little boy an’ so we had t’put that off till the next day. But once I was in bed I’d already started to match them in my head.

 

 

Little Joe

 

The more of those letters that Hoss read, the more emotional he got, and he started to see himself as the saviour of all the lonely hearts in the world, well in Nevada and California, anyway. I wouldn’t admit it to him, but I was kinda moved by some of them, too.

He and I were working on some ditch clearing and so I took the letters along with us, so that we could do some matchmaking in our lunch break.

 

Hoss was really worried ‘bout that widow and her five kids and wanted us to find someone for her, first, but I didn’t think that any of the men who had written in, sounded suitable. I mean there was the minister; I guess he might like to increase the size of his congregation, and taking on five kids meant he’d have new recruits for the choir, but I didn’t think he was ready for five children, all at once, being a bachelor. Then there was the lady who used to work in a saloon; now she sounded like fun, but Hoss said she would be too much of a handful for the minister. I didn’t think so, cos I thought that’s what ministers did, saved fallen women, and I think that’s what she was, though I never said so to Hoss. I seem to recall the widows Pettigrew and Hawkins talking ‘bout ladies who work in saloons, as being fallen women. Course, I was eavesdropping at the time and so couldn’t ask more about ‘em, but I’m sure that’s what they said.

 

We had a letter from a miner, ‘though I don’t think he was a very successful one, otherwise he’d have women falling all over him. He might do for the younger widow, with no children. Her first husband had been killed fighting Indians and she had a small spread, maybe the miner would like to become a farmer? Heck, this was proving to be harder than I thought it would be; we were really earning our money.

 

After a while I was getting bored and Hoss got mad with me, cos I kept coming up with silly matches, well, according to him, they were silly. He all but snatched the letters off me and said he’d make the decisions and I could write the letters, telling the people who we had paired ‘em up with. The ones that lived quite far apart were gonna start off as pen pals, but if we paired up two who lived closer, we were gonna suggest that they met up for dinner.

 

There wasn’t much for me to do, until Hoss had finished playing Cupid, and so I decided to have a nap. Once he’d made up his mind, I was gonna write the letters and take ‘em into town, to post ‘em. With a bit of luck, there was gonna be a letter from the perfect man, for the widow and her babies, waiting to be collected. As I nodded off to sleep, I dreamt about a widower, with six kids, marrying her, and them living inside a giant shoe. I think that idea came from a nursery rhyme that Mama told me, when I was little.

 

Hoss didn’t let me sleep for long and soon had me working in the ditch again. I was now awake, but I carried on dreaming, this time about how we were gonna make so much money from our dating agency that I wouldn’t havta clear ditches, no more; I could pay someone to do it for me. I was gonna wear real smart suits and have diamond studded cuff links and play poker for a million dollar pot. I didn’t tell Hoss about this, cos I knew he would laugh, but I think it’s good for a boy to have ambition, don’t you?

 

 

Hoss

 

Now I knew Little Joe could sometimes come up with some stupid things, but a minister an’ Betty from the saloon? That’s about the dumbest thing he’d ever said. Sure, he might wanna rescue her soul, but that don’t mean he’s gonna want t’marry her. I agreed he wouldn’t be a good match for our widow either, but at least that would’ve bin a proper match.

 

As we went on Little Joe came up with one silly match after another. Matchin’ a young clerk to a 60 year old spinster, sayin’ he could use a mother. If’n he’da wanted a mother he wouldn’t be lookin’ for a wife now, would he?

 

At least Joe weren’t makin’ fun o’them no more, he was jist havin’ a hard time tryin’ t’come up with the best matches. But good intentions or not, he was gettin’ bored an’ he was gettin’ on my nerves. So I finally took the letters from him an’ told him I’d be doin’ the matchin’. He could do the writin’ part, cause, well, it ain’t no surprise to anyone that my penmanship ain’t good. Not that Little Joe’s is, but at least it’s better ‘n mine.

 

As I was goin’ through the letters agin, searchin’ fer clues as to what they was lookin’ fer in a mate, I noticed Little Joe had nodded off. I tell ya, that boy can sleep anywhere, anytime, specially if’n he oughta be workin’. He had a stupid grin on his face an’ so I figgered he was dreamin’ ‘bout some little gal agin, either that or he was dreamin’ of Cochise. Think he loves that horse better ‘n anyone of us. I jist hoped he weren’t dreamin’ up another plan ‘cause this was hard enough; I didn’t wanna hafta deal with yet another one.

 

Finally I’d paired off most ‘o them. I though that the young clerk an’ the young widow might hit it off. Sure, he were no farmer, but they could live in town an’ keep the land, they’d actually be makin’ money. An’ fer the minister there was a nice lady from Carson City. There was a match fer most of them. There were only two problems. One was Betty, cause there weren’t anyone who would go out with someone with her reputation, fer real, ‘stead of a night o ‘fun, if’n you know what I mean. So we’d hafta wait to find someone suitable fer her.

The other one was our widow with them 5 young’uns. Somehow I jist couldn’t find anyone nice enough fer that little lady. She really deserved someone special. She weren’t even real old, I jist knew if’n we waited fer a little while, mister perfect would turn up to make her real happy.

 

After I finished I woke up Little Joe an’ we went on with our work. There was still a lot t’be done an’ we’d jist bin wastin’ a lot of Pa’s time. Well, I think that’s what Pa would’ve called it anyways. We worked a little harder to make it in time fer supper. Well, actually I worked extra hard; Little Joe still had that stupid grin on his face an’ he was sorta dreamin’ all the time.

 

Back home I took them letters to my room this time, instead of Little Joe’s room, an’ put them in a box under the bed. Little Joe would start writin’ the letters after supper.

I had jist put them there when I noticed a distinctive smell: a mix of stew an’ apple pie. I knew supper was ready an’ I’d better get downstairs before it got cold. Wouldn’t want to waste a good meal by lettin’ it get cold.

 

 

Little Joe

 

I didn’t say as much to Hoss, but I reckon that my big brother has a bit of a flair for this matchmaking stuff. He just laughed at my suggestions and I guess most of  ‘em were a bit ridiculous, but it’s as older brother Adam says, I don’t think things through, too well, I just jump right in, with both feet.

 

Hoss was also right when he said I was better at the letter writing, not much better, I grant you, but a bit, and at least the people would be able to read what I wrote. Hoss took charge of the letters and said I was to write the replies after supper. I really wanted to finish braiding a new lariat, but I guess business comes before pleasure. I did like having all that lovely money in a jar at the bottom of my wardrobe, and so oughta do something to earn it.

 

Supper was great, we are so lucky having Hop Sing to cook for us. Now, mostly, I don’t take that much interest in food, but after a day clearing ditches, even I was ready for grub and dessert was apple pie, my favourite. Trouble is, it’s Hoss’ favourite, too, and for as long as I can remember, he and I have always fought over who’s gonna get the last piece. Pa and Adam get real mad at us, for the way we argue about it. We tried to take it in turns, but then we’d get it wrong and that would cause more arguments and so now it’s just a free for all. Well, we both finished what we had on our plates, at the same time, and both made a grab for the last piece. Somehow, all we succeeded in doing was causing the pie to skid off the serving dish and land in Pa’s lap. Now, he didn’t take too kindly to this and added to the fact that we’d had to tell him we didn’t finish the ditch clearing (owing to me falling asleep), he was not in a very good mood. He ordered me up to my room, why’s it always my fault? And said that maybe I needed an early night, if I couldn’t manage to stay awake long enough to do my chores.

 

For once, I wasn’t too bothered about this indignity, as it meant I could get on with the letters, although I usually kick up a stink about being sent to bed, like a little kid. I went to Hoss’ room, first, and reached under the bed for the box, containing them. I took it into my room and placed it on my desk. Then began the search for some paper and envelopes and as I was rooting around, I knocked the box off the desk. I picked it up and stuffed the letters back inside, found the paper and began writing. Hoss said that he’d paired the letters up and so I’d know who was going out with who. I grabbed the first two off the top of the pile and began to write to both of them, giving them the name and address of their likely partner.

Of course, had I been awake when Hoss had paired ‘em up, I would’ve known if I had got the right couples together, but I wasn’t, and it never occurred to me that the letters might have got muddled up, when they fell outta the box. I just took them out of the box, in pairs, and wrote them all a letter.

By the time that Hoss came up to see how I was doing, all the letters were written and sealed in their envelopes. He was most impressed and told me to hide ‘em again, as Pa was about to come up to say goodnight. I returned them to the box and put them under my bed, informing Hoss that I would post ‘em the next day, as I was going to town for a haircut. I also said that I would pick up any new letters at the post office and Hoss said that he hoped there would be someone for the widow and her five babies. I said I hoped there would be, too, and then I quickly got ready for bed. After Pa had been in to say goodnight, I snuggled down, feeling rather pleased with myself. Hoss and me were gonna make all these lonely people happy, and ourselves, rich. Can’t be bad!

 

 

Hoss

 

That dadblamed fool! Why’d he hafta do a stupid thing like that? Most days ya can’t make him eat a decent meal, but when there’s apple pie, all of a sudden he’s got an appetite. Well, it ain’t fair an’ I think I’ve more right to that last piece of pie, cos I’m older, an’ more important, I actually did some work today.

 

Tellin’ Pa that we didn’t finish the job was hard enough. I hate t’disappoint Pa an’ he looked mighty annoyed. Although most of it was directed at Little Joe. I weren’t about t’take the blame fer this one so I’d told ‘m plain an’ clear jist why we weren’t finished.

 

Worst thing is, the next day Little Joe was s’posed t’git a haircut, so who d’ya think would be finishin’ clearin’ them ditches? Only good thing ‘bout Little Joe getting’ that haircut is that he could take them letters to town.

 

So we’d exchanged some unspoken words over dinner an’ then when he dumped that dadburned pie in Pa’s lap an’ got sent to bed early I knew what he’d be doin’ in his room. So to prevent Pa from goin’ upstairs t’say goodnight too soon I tried t’keep him busy fer as long as I could. I didn’t even mind losing at checkers fer six games in a row, which made Adam snicker, of course. Ole brother there kinda enjoys watchin’ people make stupid moves. Maybe it makes him feel superior. Nah, now I’m being rude. Course he don’t feel like that. But it sure can be annoyin’ to have him watchin’ me like that.

 

But after six games even I’d had enough an’ said goodnight, leavin’ Pa an’ Adam talkin’ ‘bout some new contract fer the mill. Not my favourite part of the ranch so I was only too happy to bow out.

I went upstairs t’see how Little Joe was doin’ an’ he was jist finished as I came in. We agreed he would take the letters to town an’ he would also look if’n there were any new ones. I sure was hopin’ fer some nice man with a little bit o’ money fer our widow.

When I heard footsteps on the stairs I quickly went to my own bedroom an’ was asleep within minutes. Matchmakin’ sure is exhaustin’ work.

 

Next morning I was up at the crack of dawn. I thought I’d make good use o’ the day an’ made an early start at my chores. Now usually when I’m up early an’ got some time t’spare I start on Little Joe’s chores too, but that day I jist didn’t feel like it. I love that boy a lot, but he’s gotta learn sometimes that others won’t always clean up his mess. So if’n he got t’go to town an’ I had t’finish HIS work from the day before, least he could do was his own chores!

 

Okay, I gotta admit that I was maybe jist a mite jealous, cos I jist knew he would get t’sneak in a beer at the Bucket of Blood, while I was drinking warm water, doin’ hard work an’ I sure felt like havin’ some fun too. Part o’ me hoped that barber would half scalp him, like Little Joe always yells he does. But I ain’t that mean an’ as I rode out after breakfast I was already in a better mood. Little brother had gotten clear orders t’git his tail straight home as Pa had a list o’ chores fer him t’do.

 

All day long I thought ‘bout them letters an’ if’n them couples would work out. Part o’ me was sure, but another part wasn’t, cos ya never know. I started thinkin’ maybe we should be around at them dates. Make sure we were in the same restaurant when two o’ them would meet.

 

‘Sides, maybe it’s the romantic side o’ me, but I like watchin’ people in love. There’s jist somethin’ ‘bout courtin’ that makes me feel all warm inside an’ t’think I’d bin a part o’ two people gettin’ together, well, that made me feel even better.

So I decided ta talk t’Little Joe about it, cos we’d hafta be careful not t’let on why we wanted t’go to town that often. Without Adam I mean. An’ Little Joe’s always bin better in thinkin’ up excuses. While he was thinkin’ them up he could come up with some fer himself too, cos he ain’t allowed to go t’town that much.

 

 

Little Joe

 

I was pleased I got all the letters written, getting sent to bed early paid off, for once. I wasn’t even that bothered about having to get my haircut. After all, it got me outta finishing the ditch clearing and gave me an excuse to go into town. However, I still pretended to be mad about it, as Pa expects me to be and would be suspicious, if I wasn’t. I was rather surprised that he let me go on my own, but I was under strict orders to be back as quickly as possible and so knew I mustn’t dawdle.

 

As soon as I got to town, I went to the post office and sent off the letters. Once I’d done that, I asked if there was any mail for the Ponderosa, or for the agency, and was handed quite a few letters. I didn’t have time to read ‘em, I just glanced at the envelopes. My eyes stayed on one, in particular; it was written in the unmistakeable hand of my eldest brother, Adam. I couldn’t stop myself, I just laughed out loud, there in the middle of the street. My brother was writing to a dating agency; I just ‘bout peed my pants, thinking about it. Then a really wicked thought came into my head. I wasn’t gonna tell Hoss, cos I knew he’d never go along with it, but I was gonna set my brother Adam up with Betty, the saloon gal. I could see the look of horror on his face when he met her, as I’m sure that the type of woman he was wanting to meet, was very far removed from Betty. I mean, she was okay for passing the time with, if you know what I mean, but hardly the kind for a long term relationship, especially with a man as sophisticated and smart as Adam.

 

I was still chuckling as I entered the barber shop; Harry was very surprised, as I usually walk in there like I’m going to my execution. I didn’t make a fuss, as he did the deed, either, he was quite concerned and asked if I was sick.

All I wanted to do was get home as soon as I could and get the letters written to Adam and Betty. But then, a thought hit me, like a bullet between the eyes. If I wrote the letter to Adam, he would recognise my writing and so know it was me setting him up. I was gonna havta get someone else to write the letter and, eventually, I settled on Sarah, one of my best friends from school. She was always happy to be involved in my practical jokes; in fact, for a girl, she was pretty good at thinking up a few, herself. I knew that she would help me out and so, before I went home, I rode out to her place.

 

When I arrived, she was in the house alone, as her father was working and she was preparing lunch for him. I told her the whole story, about the dating agency, and that Adam had written in. I explained what I wanted to do and she thought it was as funny as I did. She agreed to write the letter to Adam, asking him to meet the lady at the International Hotel, on Friday evening, at 7pm. I called Betty, Miss Elizabeth Smythe; her real name is Betty Smith, but I thought that Adam might recognise that.

While I was at Sarah’s, I opened Adam’s letter to the agency and she and I read it. As I suspected, Adam had asked to be introduced to a well read young woman, who enjoyed cultural pursuits, and he’d listed his favourite authors and artists and composers, asking for someone who might share these interests. He was certainly gonna have a shock, when he met Miss Betty, and I started laughing, all over again.

 

Mind you, the laughter soon stopped, when I got home, as I was very late. After leaving Sarah’s, I’d ridden back to town and posted off the letter that she’d written to Adam and the one I’d done for Betty, while at Sarah’s house. I didn’t wanna take a letter addressed to Adam home with me, in case one of the family saw it and so thought it was safest to mail it. Of course, this made me even later getting home and it was lunch time by the time I rode into the yard. Pa was very mad and was convinced that I’d been up to mischief. He said that if all my chores were not completed by the end of the day, I was gonna be nursing a sore backside, when I went to bed. I was determined not to have that happen and so worked my tail off, for the rest of the day, and managed to get everything done, thank goodness.

 

When we were alone, Hoss put forward his idea about us actually being there when some of our couples were on their dates, but I couldn’t see how we could manage that. I knew that now was not the time for me to be asking Pa to let me go into town, especially at night, and so I told Hoss that if he wanted to go along, he’d have to do it, without me. He could see my point and so didn’t push it. We had a quick look at the new batch of letters and I stashed away the $35 they contained. I had the five dollars from Adam’s letter in my pocket, as I wasn’t sure how to explain it, without showing Hoss the letter. I decided to just put it in the jar, when Hoss wasn’t there, and hope that he wasn’t keeping a count on how much money we had. I smiled to myself, as I thought about Adam’s reaction to meeting Betty; now that was one date that I’d love to see!

 

 

Hoss

 

At supper there sure was a bit of tension between Pa an’ Little Joe. Turned out that dadburned little brother o’ mine managed t’stay in town all morning. Don’t take that long t’git a haircut, although Harry’d sure done a good job, an’ t’go t’the post office t’git the mail. By the look on Pa’s face he’d escaped a tannin’ by the skin o’ his teeth.

 

Now that made it near impossible fer him t’git permission to go to town any time soon, so it looked like I was going t’spy on our lovebirds alone. An’ it don’t look too good fer a feller t’sit in a restaurant all by himself. But I weren’t gonna ask no one with me, cos I didn’t wanna be distracted.

 

Well, okay, if’n ya really must know, I ain’t got the guts t’ask anyone. Never had Little Joe’s flair with them gals an’ I reckon I never will. So I’ll jist go by myself. Ain’t too hard fer me t’git out o’ the house. Course if’n ya go durin’ the week Pa gives ya that look, but he don’t say no.

 

Little Joe showed me them new letters, but we didn’t have much time t’look at them. After Little Joe went t’bed I had a look at them to see if’n we’d found someone fer our widow. There was one that stuck out a bit. Nice feller, not too poor, had two young’uns himself. His wife had died givin’ birth to the youngest. He’d bin raisin’ them himself, with help from his sister an’ some friends, but he wanted a family again. Sounded a bit like her own story. Only problem was that she lived in Virginia City an’ he in Placerville. So if’n they would hit it off one o’ them would hafta move. But it was worth a try. An’ so I put that one aside.

 

I took a look at the list Little Joe made of the couples an’ the dates an’ saw one couple was supposed t’meet the next day at Daisy’s, over lunch. Lunch weren’t the easiest time t’get away, of course, but I knew Hop Sing needed some supplies an’ Pa was bound t’feel a little guilty of havin’ me do all that work today, that Little Joe was supposed t’do yesterday. So I knew if’n I’d play my cards right I’d manage t’git away from the ranch tomorrow.

 

Well, I dunno how, but I pulled it off an’ the next day Hoss Cartwright was havin’ himself a nice lunch at Daisy’s. I ordered myself a pile of food t’make sure I was busy fer a while. There weren’t that many folks there yet. Jist three miners, a young couple an’ an old lady. Now that old lady looked a bit like she was waitin’ fer someone an’ by the looks o’ her I figgered she was one of our customers. She looked a little scared an’ alone an’ I felt sorry fer her, hopin’ her match would turn up soon.

 

After about 15 minutes the door opened an’ a young man came in. He was clearly dressed in his best suit, but it didn’t seem to fit him. I reckon he didn’t wear it often. I nearly didn’t see him, but he was carrying some flowers an’ he looked around as if he were lookin’ fer someone. Them flowers made me think. Cos I know Little Joe had told the men t’bring flowers fer their dates to recognise them by. Seemed a bit silly t’me, but he had a point. How would people find each other in a big place if’n they didn’t know who they was gonna meet?

 

Daisy went to him an’ I couldn’t hear what they was saying, but I saw her bring him to that old lady’s table. The lady looked as surprised as the young man was. I had a feelin’ in the pit of my stomach that this was two of our people. She must’ve bin Mrs. Jenkins an’I reckon that man was Charley Potts, a young miner. Now I know I didn’t match them two up. I jist knew it.

 

I wanted to bury myself in my food, but I didn’t wanna miss anything either. As I watched it became painfully clear that my gut feeling had bin right. An’ neither o’ them took it very well. Charley was workin’ himself into a temper an’ that little old lady was close t’cryin’. Then them three miners jumped in an’ started tellin’ him to leave her alone. Dunno why, but I think that only made it worse fer her.

 

I was about t’git up an’ make sure no one was hurt, when he called her a liar. She grabbed them flowers, hit him in the face an’ with as much dignity as she could muster, she gathered her things an’ left the room. If’n I hadn’t bin that miserable about it all, I’d have felt like applauding her guts. Daisy managed t’calm down the miners, by givin’ them a drink an’ bringin’ in their food.

 

I had t’git out an’ think it over, cos it didn’t make any sense t’me. I knew every match by heart an’ this weren’t a mistake I’d made. Couldn’t have. So what happened? I had a feelin’ only one person could tell an’ that was the person who wrote them letters an’ posted them: Little Joe.

 

 

Little Joe

 

When I met up with big brother Hoss at the dining table, that evening, I could tell that there was something bothering him. Hoss tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and if something is worrying him, you can easily tell. However, when I asked him, he refused to say and didn’t look like he was in the mood to be badgered about it. I let the subject drop, but was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Pa was pleased that I had knuckled down and got through all my chores and Adam seemed in a good mood, too. I knew that Hoss had been into town and wondered if he had collected the letter for Adam, asking him to meet up with ‘Elizabeth Smythe.’ When Adam told Hoss that he wouldn’t be going to the saloon with him, on Friday, as they usually did, I knew that he must have got the letter. Hoss asked him what he was doing, but Adam was very cagey, just said he had a date. I nearly burst out laughing, there and then, in fact I did choke a bit, on my dinner, trying not to laugh, and Hoss had to thump me on the back.

 

As soon as we’d finished eating, Hoss practically lifted me bodily from the table and insisted that I went to help him with a chore in the barn. I was about to protest; I’d worked hard enough already that day, but then I realised it was just an excuse to get to speak to me, alone, and so I went with him.

He told me about the date between Charley and Mrs Jenkins. The names didn’t really mean that much to me; I had just written the letters and then forgotten about them, but Hoss soon reminded me who they were. I could see why he was mad, an old lady in her 60s being paired off with a young man in his 20s was not a match made in heaven. However, it was one made in my room and Hoss was well mad that I’d messed up. He asked me if I’d mixed up any of the other letters and, although I wasn’t sure, by the look on his face I decided it was best not to say that. I assured him that the other pairings were fine, although he pointed out that I must have matched up Mrs Jenkin’s intended partner with the girl chosen for Charley. I couldn’t deny that, but said again that the others were fine and hoped this was the case.

 

After I went to bed, I spent quite a lot of time dwelling on this and decided to check it out for myself. Hoss told me that the minister from Carson City was supposed to be meeting a Miss Clarice Hopkins, the next day, for lunch at the International. I planned to sneak into town and check up on them. It wasn’t gonna be easy, as Pa was still keeping a pretty close eye on me, but I felt I had to risk it, for my own piece of mind.

 

The following morning, Pa set me on chopping wood and this meant I was in full view of him, as he was in the house, doing paperwork. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t be able to get away, but mid morning, he walked across the yard, to collect Buck from the barn, saying he had to visit the lumber camp and wouldn’t be back until supper time. Before he left, he reminded me of the chores I still had to do and then said goodbye. I waved him off and then carried on chopping the logs, for about another ten minutes.

The yard was deserted and so I decided to make my getaway. I saddled Cochise faster than I’d ever done before and was just heading out of the yard, when I heard Hop Sing calling me. I didn’t dare stop or look round and so spurred Coochie on, knowing that I was going to be in trouble when I got home. Hop Sing was bound to tell Pa that I’d left the yard and I had no reason to, as all my chores were ones within walking distance of the house.

 

When I arrived in town, I realised that I was going to have to buy a meal, in order to keep an eye on our couple. I only had a few cents with me, but fortunately I ran into Mitch, who was in town getting supplies for his Ma and he was able to lend me some money. He was surprised to see me in town and intrigued as to why I was gonna eat at the International. It was a bit out of my price range and not my favourite place, I preferred Daisy’s, and so I told him I was meeting a young lady. Fortunately, he didn’t press for too many details and he couldn’t stay around to meet her, as he had to get back home. I promised to fill him in on what happened, the next time I saw him.

 

I went into the restaurant and requested a table in a quiet corner. Then I sat down and waited for the love birds to arrive. The minister arrived first, he was easy to spot, because of the way he was dressed and by the bouquet of flowers he was holding. He was shown to his table and kept glancing at the door, rather nervously, and mopping his brow with a handkerchief. After about ten minutes, this rather over made up lady appeared in the doorway and I recognised her as being Miss Kitty Perkins, who worked in the local beauty parlour. She was a nice enough young woman, but a bit lacking in the brains department and inclined to be accident prone, according to big brother Adam. I instinctively knew that she was not the intended partner for the minister; I’d goofed again. She spied Reverend Williams, holding the flowers, and guessed he was there to meet her. She rushed over, nearly falling in her haste to get to him and he stood up, with such speed, that he knocked the bouquet on the floor. They both bent down to retrieve it, and ended up bumping heads. Much laughter followed, as they scooped up the flowers and sat down. Although they weren’t supposed to have been paired off, Miss Perkins and the minister appeared to be getting on fine. She couldn’t have been more different to Miss Hopkins, who I recall had said in her letter that she was very shy and had trouble striking up a conversation. In complete contrast, Miss Perkins didn’t stop talking, throughout the entire meal, but the minister seemed enchanted by her. Maybe my mix up was gonna be okay, after all. One thing, I don’t know how they explained the difference in names, but it didn’t seem to bother them.

 

By the time I left the International, they were making plans to meet again. I was very pleased for them, but was a bit worried about the reception I was gonna get, when I got home. I somehow knew that it wasn’t going to be pleasant, and I was right. I had been away for longer than I’d expected to be, and Pa’s business at the lumber camp hadn’t taken as long, as he’d thought. He was already home, when I rode into the yard and not looking too happy.

I jumped down off Cochise and led her into the barn, with Pa following me. I tried to explain, but there wasn’t really anything I could say to save my hide. I had disobeyed Pa, pure and simple, and left the ranch without completing my chores.

Pa didn’t say much, apart from the fact that he was disappointed in me. He then pointed at a saddle stand and I knew I was expected to bend over it. I did and received half a dozen licks from Pa’s belt. Since leaving school, on the few occasions when he’s had to discipline me, he’s taken to using his belt, as he reckons I’m too big for a spanking with his hand, now. I don’t agree, but wasn’t about to tell him that. He wasn’t that hard on me, but it still hurt like the dickens and I was glad that all my chores, for the rest of the day, were ones I could do standing up.

 

By the time Adam and Hoss returned home, from tending to the herd, I was feeling less sore and more like talking. I’d made my peace with Pa; he hates being mad with me and is always quick to make up, after he’s had to tan me. I managed to get Hoss on his own and told him that although I’d mixed up the letters, the date had gone well and so we could chalk up our first success. He was pleased for Miss Perkins and Reverend Williams, but worried about what other matches I’d made. I tried to be optimistic, after all it had worked out for the minister, why not for the others? but he reminded me of Mrs Jenkins and Charley and my good mood vanished. I told him that there was no use fretting about it, we’d just have to hope that all went well. At least he knew there was not gonna be any mix ups for the widow and her five children, as he’d stood over me as I’d written the letters to her and the guy in Placerville, suggesting that they wrote to each other, and I’d posted them when I’d gone to town.

 

It had been a tough day, physically and emotionally and I was glad to see my bed, at the end of it. Pa came up to say goodnight and reminded me that there was to be no more slacking. I said I’d behave and he gave me a kiss and left the room. Poor man, I know I’m responsible for most of that silver hair on his head; I hope he knows how much I love him, I think he does.

I was soon asleep, although my rest was disturbed, with nightmare scenes of irate men and women storming the Ponderosa, demanding their money back. It got so bad that I cried out, at one point and brought Adam and Pa rushing into my room. They gently woke me up fully and I assured them I was okay, although I couldn’t get back to sleep, after they’d left. Eventually, I crept along the corridor, and spent the rest of the night with Adam, who has always been my guardian angel, whenever I’ve had a nightmare, ever since I was a little boy. He probably knew I was there, but let me stay, as he always does, and that made me feel a bit guilty about setting him up with Betty, but it was too late to do anything about it now.

 

 

Adam

 

Okay, I’ll admit it: I sent in a letter to that dating agency from the paper. Oh I know it’s silly thinking you can find true love through some ad in the paper, but somehow the concept intrigued me. I mean, think about it. Two strangers writing to some agency and of all the people writing in, you two are matched up for a date.

 

And I also know people usually see me as aloof or even smug, but I think there are quite a few ladies who can tell you differently. It’s just that I look for a certain type of woman and it’s not the type you find easily in these parts.

 

So I wrote that letter asking for a nice, refined, well-read lady. It would be nice to find someone who shared my interests in culture, arts and literature. And as I spend most of my time on the ranch it was hard meeting that person myself.

 

To my surprise I didn’t have to wait too long, which should have made me a little suspicious, I suppose. Because, within two days I received a letter from the agency suggesting a meeting with a certain Miss Elizabeth Smythe at The International Hotel on Friday. Well needless to say I was very much looking forward to meeting this nice young woman. The letter didn’t tell me a lot about her, but what it did say sounded like she was the perfect woman for me.

 

So on Friday I made sure I was home from work early and took a nice long bath, until Hoss started pounding on the door, asking if I’d drowned. I have to admit I took my time grooming and dressing, but a good first impression is everything. After one final look in the mirror, I decided I was as ready as I would ever be and went downstairs to wish my family goodnight, before leaving for town.

 

Hoss and Little Joe were playing checkers and Pa was reading the newspaper and as I was putting on my gun belt I noticed Little Joe was watching me more than his game, but I put that down to a bit of jealousy. The boy had been bugging Pa for weeks, make that months, to be allowed to go out alone on Friday night, but Pa didn’t budge. The only way Little Joe was allowed in town, was when escorted by one of us and it wasn’t going to be me that night.

 

So I more or less ignored him and left for town, taking the flowers I had already put into my saddlebags with me. As I rode into town I was starting to feel a little nervous. It’s rather ridiculous, here I am, a grown and by no means inexperienced man, nervous about meeting a nice lady. But I was. I took a deep breath though and entered the hotel carrying my bouquet of flowers.

 

As I looked around I didn’t see many ladies sitting at a table alone. In fact there was only one. At a table near the window was a young woman. Very pretty, but she didn’t really look like, well, how shall I put it, like a lady. For starters her dress was a little too revealing for this type of establishment; she had her hair down and there was a flower in it. The moment she saw me she started waving at me and a little hesitantly I walked over to her.

 

The closer I got, the more I realised I knew her. She was one of the saloon girls from the Bucket of Blood. But what was she doing here? There was no way she was my date. It just couldn’t be. She was everything I didn’t ask for. Well, ok, I admit I have eyes in my head and she was pretty and I’m sure people will tell you I have been seen in the saloon with girls like her, but this is not the kind of woman I would want to court, let alone spend my life with, as the agency advertises.

 

She seemed to be under the impression she was my date, though, and she was very excited about it, too. Almost pushed me down on one of the chairs, leaning over the table, which gave me an even better view of her, um, body. She kept telling me over and over again how glad she was they had matched us.

 

It was getting a little embarrassing. Obviously the girl was really under the impression we were going to have dinner together and no matter how much I wanted to run out on her, I couldn’t. I couldn’t just hurt her feelings like that. So I stayed there and tried to make the most of it, but I did start to ask some questions. I wanted to know what she had written to the agency to try and figure out why they would pair us off.

 

As soon as we started to talk things got a little easier. She answered all my questions and had some of her own, too. It seemed she had been very surprised to find the reply asking her to meet me. She had never expected that, but really wanted to get out of her current line of work, so she had been persuaded by her friend to give it her best shot, as she called it.

 

I don’t know exactly what made me ask for the letter the agency had written her, but I did and when she handed it to me everything became clear. It was so obvious that I could kick myself for not realising it sooner. It was Little Joe’s handwriting. He had obviously set us up.

 

At first I was absolutely seething. I could throttle that boy and it was a good thing he wasn’t there, because I honestly don’t think he would have made it back to The Ponderosa in one piece. He would at least be missing a piece of hide. But Betty, as she was really called, just started laughing and somehow she calmed me down a bit.

And suddenly I had an idea. Oh it was the plan of plans. The one to really make Little Joe sorry for putting me in this situation. When I explained to Betty, she immediately saw the humour of it and readily agreed.

 

We ended the night quite nicely and I even brought her home, after all, I was raised a gentleman. As we parted I reminded her I would pick her up the next night at 6. Now the only thing left to do was have a very embarrassing conversation with Pa. If my plan was going to work, he would have to know about it. It wasn’t something I could spring on him.

 

As I had expected Pa was still waiting for me, when I came home. He was reading that same old book he had been reading when I was out on my first date and ever since. I smiled. It used to bother me, but these days I found it quite funny how he would still worry about his grown son. And it was nice sometimes to have someone to talk to when I came home. Like this time. I decided to take the plunge and blurted out the whole story about the ad, the letter and the date. I didn’t give him the chance to get angry about Little Joe’s prank, but unfolded my plan. He started to smile and told me to go ahead and bring that young lady home the next night, as my fiancée, like I intended.

 

 

Pa

 

Adam is a grown man and has always been quite secretive when it comes to his private life. I knew better than to ask him whom he was meeting, as he walked across the room and prepared to leave the house. He did look very smart, though, and so I assumed it was a woman. In fact I was surprised that Joe wasn’t acting more curious, as both he and Hoss usually liked to tease their brother when they knew he was meeting a young lady. But this time, Joe said nothing and Adam just left, saying that he wouldn’t be late.

 

The evening went by, much as most of them do on the Ponderosa. Joe beat Hoss, several times, at checkers and I was called in to act as referee, when Hoss accused Joe of cheating. He probably was, as although he can beat Hoss, without resorting to underhand methods, he has been known to move around the pieces, when Hoss has taken his eyes off the board. Joe denied it and I stopped what might have become a major incident, by declaring that it was time Joe went to bed, sending him on his way, with a warning swat to his butt. He giggled and ran up the stairs, reminding me of why I love that young scamp so much. No matter how bad the day has been, when I hear my youngest laugh, everything seems so much better.

 

Hoss stayed up for a while and we chatted about the ranch and what needed doing, in the coming weeks. With a spread as large as the Ponderosa, there is always some part needing repair, fences, line shacks, corrals, branding pens; it’s a never ending task. I am very lucky to have three fine sons, who share my love for the land, and who are happy to work alongside me, to maintain it as it should be. I have always told the boys that we don’t really own the land. It has just been entrusted to us and we have an obligation to take care of it and see that it is in good condition to be enjoyed by the generations to come, after us.

 

Hoss headed off to bed, asking if I was going too, but I told him that I was planning to sit up and read for a bit longer. I didn’t really fool him, though, we both knew I was waiting up for Adam. Oh I know that he’s a grown man and quite capable of looking after himself, but every time one of my boys steps outside our front door, I am reminded of the first time that they went off alone, and how I fretted, and that feeling never really goes away.

 

When Adam finally arrived home, he wasn’t surprised to see me still up. I was expecting him to say something and call me a mother hen, but, in fact, he was glad that I hadn’t gone to bed, as he had something to tell me.

The poor boy was rather embarrassed, as he explained how he had written a letter to a dating agency and how he’d been fixed up with a date, for that evening. I tried to make him feel better, by saying that it was nothing to be ashamed of and he thanked me for being so understanding. What I didn’t tell him, was that, I too, had written a letter, in response to the ad, but I hadn’t yet found the courage, to mail it.

 

When he told me who was behind the dating agency, I was very relieved that I had been such a coward. I just couldn’t imagine Little Joe reading a letter from me, in which I described my ideal woman. There are some things that you just don’t talk about with your 16 year old son and I could feel my cheeks burning with the embarrassment of it.

 

I was ready to haul that boy out of his bed and make his cheeks, the ones he sat on, that is, as red as my face was, but Adam asked me not to. He said that his first reaction had been to do exactly that, but then he’d come up with a better plan. Once he explained it to me, I could see that it was a much better idea and I could always go on to the pants warming session, after Adam had sprung his trap, if I felt the need.

Adam was going to bring Betty to the ranch and make Joe believe that he was planning to marry her. He wanted to see how far Joe would allow things to go, before he confessed and told Adam that it had all been a prank.

I started laughing and had to cover my face with a cushion, to muffle the sound, in case I woke Joe. I didn’t want him to catch on to what we were planning to do; that boy needed to be taught a lesson.

 

 

Little Joe

 

The morning after Adam’s date with Betty, I made sure that I was at the breakfast table nice and early. I was anxious to find out how my eldest brother had got on and was expecting to be able to embarrass him, as I asked him questions about the new lady in his life. I was surprised to see him looking so chipper, but I know that Adam is good at hiding his feelings. However, I was sure that when I started to question him, we would find out just how bad it had really been.

Therefore, I couldn’t believe my ears, when, without any prompting from me, he began to tell us all about it. He actually admitted that he’d written to the dating agency, a fact that caused Hoss to choke on his ham and eggs, as he still didn’t know about Adam’s letter. Adam said that he had been rather sceptical that they would be able to find him a perfect mate, but with women being so scarce out here, he was happy to give it a go. Then he said that he’d hit the jackpot. The agency had paired him up with a wonderful young lady and he couldn’t wait to introduce us to her. I was beginning to think that Hoss had made a switch on me, though I couldn’t see how, seeing as I had mailed the letters. But I couldn’t understand why Adam was sitting there saying that Miss Elizabeth was the best girl he’d ever spent an evening with.

Before he left to do his chores, Adam told Pa that he’d asked Miss Smythe to come and have dinner with us that evening and he hoped that this was okay. Pa was delighted, after all he often said that it was time that Adam settled down, but I wondered if he was still gonna feel the same when he met her.

On his way out, Adam stopped at the kitchen to ask Hop Sing to prepare a very special meal, and then he made his way across the yard, whistling happily.

 

I was stunned and stayed sat at the table, but Hoss wanted to speak to me and he insisted I went to help him tidy up the tack room.

Once we got out there, he made me tell him all about Adam’s letter and how I’d set him up with Betty, from the saloon. He was ready to pound me into the ground, but knew if he did, then Pa would want to know why he had, and our secret would be out.

I said that we would just have to wait and see what our sneaky big brother was up to. Hoss didn’t look too happy at the prospect, but there wasn’t much else we could do.

 

Just before Adam set off into town, to collect ‘Miss Smythe’, he gave Hoss and me our instructions for the evening. He said that he wanted to see us dressed in our best suits and that we were to be polite and keep any smart remarks to ourselves. He said that Miss Smythe was a delicate young woman and wasn’t used to being around rowdy hooligans like us. I nearly laughed in his face, when he said that. She worked in a saloon and faced much worse than Hoss and me, everyday.

 

Anyway, Pa insisted that we did as Adam instructed us to, and so we both got gussied up and awaited their arrival.

Well, when they walked in, I thought that brother Hoss’ eyes were gonna pop clear outta his head, and mine weren’t far behind. Betty was wearing the most clinging, revealing, low cut dress that I have ever seen a woman poured into, even Pa didn’t know where to look. It was bright red satin, with silver spangly bits all over what there was of the bit that covered her chest, and she had a huge silver hat on her head with two large red feathers coming out of it. Round her shoulders was draped a silver feather boa, which she pulled off and handed to Adam, tickling him, enticingly with it, under his nose, as she did so. He just laughed, seductively, and placed it on the credenza, by the door.

He made the introductions and then we sat down to eat. Pa recovered quite quickly and was his usual charming self and I have never seen my eldest brother so attentive. He hung on Betty’s every word and found everything she said wildly amusing. He jumped up and got her whatever she asked for, refusing to allow Hop Sing to wait on her, and kept making silly remarks about how wonderful she was.

I was really worried about Adam, it was like she’d put a spell on him. I mean, she’s a nice enough gal, but mostly she talks a lot of nonsense, the kind of gossipy stuff that Adam says bores him rigid. And yet, he was sitting there like she was a professor at college, teaching him something new and exciting.

Her table manners left a lot to be desired, too, and I know Adam is very hot on things like that, cos he’s always on my case about the slovenly way I eat. Yet it didn’t seem to bother him, when Betty talked with her mouth full of food and laughed so hard, at one point, that wine came down her nose.

 

By the end of the meal, I was beginning to think that my brother Adam had been captured by some weird religious cult and they had brainwashed him. I was firmly convinced of this when he stood up and said he had an announcement to make. He made a long speech about how grateful he was to the Heart to Heart Dating Agency for finding him his ideal mate. He said that she was exactly what he was looking for and so he’d decided that there was no need to wait and go through a long courtship; he wanted to make Betty his wife, as soon as possible.

 

Pa then stood up and I hoped he was going to forbid Adam from marrying, on the grounds of insanity. I didn’t want Betty for a sister in law, but all he said was that he was delighted for the happy couple and wished them all the best. It seemed that Pa had caught the madness, too.

I couldn’t let this go on any longer; I had to say something, before my brother made the biggest mistake of his life.

I took a deep breath and told Adam the truth. I said that Hoss and I ran the agency and when I’d seen a letter arrive from Adam, I decided to have some fun, well, it was meant to be fun. I explained that it was all my doing, that Hoss hadn’t even seen Adam’s letter, as I didn’t want him to be blamed for something he hadn’t done. I pleaded with Adam to think again, that Betty wasn’t his ideal mate, in fact I’d made a point of choosing someone that was the complete opposite of what he said he wanted in a wife. I apologised to Betty for saying that, cos I didn’t want her to think I didn’t like her, but she just wasn’t what I saw Adam marrying. I was so ashamed of myself that I kept my head down, as I spoke, and so it took me a while to realise that no one was yelling at me, but they were all laughing. Well, Pa, Adam and Betty were; Hoss looked like he was in a state of shock.

When Adam could control himself, sufficiently, to speak, he told me that, in fact, I was the one who had been set up, not him. He said that it had all been a plot to make me ‘fess up to what Hoss and me had been up to. He had no intention of marrying Betty and she had been kind enough to go along with the charade, just to trap me.

 

I sank down in my chair, knowing that once Pa stopped laughing, then I was dead.

I wasn’t far wrong. As soon as he recovered, Pa’s face took on that glare which makes grown men quake in their boots and boys called Little Joe cover their butt with their hands. Pa hauled me to my feet and led me towards the staircase, telling me, in no uncertain terms, what he was about to do to my hide, for trying to embarrass my brother like I had.

 

I was saved, by an almighty hammering, on the front door. Adam went to see who it was, and was almost knocked over, as a crowd of people burst into the living room. They were several of our dissatisfied customers, who had eventually been able to track down the owners of the dating agency. They were all yelling at once and the mood was ugly. They were demanding their money back or our hides nailed to the barn door; they didn’t seem to mind which.

 

Pa, Adam, Hoss and me all stood there, not sure what to do and then Betty stepped in, proving why she was so good at her job. She was used to dealing with drunken groups of cowboys in the saloon and this bunch held no terrors for her. She asked them all to calm down and discuss their grievances, one at a time. In no time at all, she had dealt with each of them and was promising a free introduction to another partner, or a full refund. She was so good; they all eventually left, happy for the agency to make new dates for them, as long as it was Betty who was running it. She assured them that this would be the case and Hoss and I were very glad to hand it over to her.

After they all left, Hoss insisted on giving Betty the money we’d collected, saying that she deserved it, if she was going to be the one arranging the dates. I was rather mad at him, for that, but decided not to draw attention to myself, in case Pa remembered the tanning he was about to give me.

In fact, as soon as Pa stepped outside, to wave off Adam, who was taking Betty home, I hightailed it up to my room, got undressed and into bed.

When Pa came up to talk to me, I was able to convince him I was asleep and by the next day, he seemed to have forgotten about it. I didn’t really think that was gonna be the end to it, but I wasn’t about to ask him; I’m not that stupid.

 

 

 

 

Hoss

 

Here I was enjoying a nice breakfast, jist filled up my plate with ham an’ eggs an’ I’d jist taken a bite when Adam started tellin’ us ‘bout his date. Now a date’s fine. Hey, older brother goes on lots of dates, but he said he’d written to the Heart to Heart Dating Agency an’ that was a mite too much with a mouth full of ham an’ eggs. I nearly sprayed it all over the table, but instead jist choked on it.

 

Dang, that dadburned little brother of mine! I jist knew he’d have something t’do with it. As soon as I had the chance I practically dragged him to the tack room t’start askin’ some questions an’ I weren’t about t’leave without some mighty good answers.

 

When he was through tellin’ me the whole story part o’ me wished I’d never asked. There’s nothing I wanted more’n clobber him good, but if’n I did, then Pa would be startin’ askin’ questions. I know I didn’t do nothing wrong, or not much anyways, but I sure weren’t goin’ to explain everything to Pa.

 

So all we could do was sit this one out an’ hope fer the best. Heck, ole Adam even told us t’dress up fer dinner. Now I ain’t one fer dressing up an’ he knows it, but I figgered I’d better do as he asked. No use in makin’ things worse, specially cos Pa backed him up on it.

 

When Adam finally came in with that Betty I wanted to crawl away. I ain’t even gonna try describin’ her to ya. I’m too much of a gentleman fer that. But I can tell ya one thing: I couldn’t understand how come Adam had the guts t’take a girl like that home fer supper. He had some nerve introducin’ a ….a loose woman to Pa.

 

Seemed like she had Adam an’ Pa under a spell. They laughed at every word that came out of that mouth o’hers. Adam was leanin’ in real close an’ I was sure his eyes never left hers all durin’ supper.

 

But the real killer was when he made that little speech. Now I can believe a lot, but I never believed he was really gonna marry her. She weren’t his type. Yeah sure maybe fer a night, but not fer marriage. She seemed a bit of a dreamer.

 

An’ Pa bein’ happy with that marriage. Nah, there sure was something wrong there. An’ I was right. Sometimes it’s easy t’forget ole Adam has some tricks up his sleeve, too. He can pull pranks like the best. I couldn’t help laughin’ at Little Joe. He was headin’ fer a painful night an’ he knew it. Think Pa was more angry over settin’ Adam up than anything else.

 

But that talk upstairs had t’wait cos of all them angry customers bangin’ on the door, demandin’ satisfaction, one way or t’other. By then I really wished I could disappear. I was still hopin’ fer divine intervention, which weren’t acomin’, when Betty saved the day. Seemed she weren’t such a dreamer, after all; had a good head fer business that one. Took over the matchmakin’ right on the spot, makin’ me an’ Little Joe look like amateurs, which I guess we were.

 

But she managed t’calm ‘em all down an’ we were mighty grateful fer that. After every one o’ them customers had left lookin’ forward t’another date, with the right kind o’partner this time (or better said: the way I done matched ‘em up myself), I offered Betty the business an’ all the money, cos I figgered she’d earned it. Little Joe gave me a dirty look at that, but until that boy can manage to stay outta trouble, I ain’t listenin’ t’him again.

 

He made a run fer his room as soon as Pa an’ Adam were outside. No matter how mad I was at him fer messin’ with our older brother, I couldn’t blame him fer wantin’ t’hold off any talk Pa mighta had in mind. Pa looked like he was gonna explode when he was draggin’ him upstairs, earlier.

 

When they came back inside I wished I had gone t’bed too, Pa didn’t seem pleased with me either. I did manage t’point out my own personal successes, like the little widow with the five young’uns, but he weren’t in the mood t’listen yet. He weren’t in the mood fer anything ceptin’ his brandy, so I figgered I’d better turn in early, before Pa did feel like talkin’ an’ started talkin’ t’me, instead of Little Joe.

 

 

Ben

 

I knew that Joseph was not really asleep, when I went up to see him, after all our guests had left. However, it had been quite an eventful night and so I decided that it might be better if we all got some sleep and I talked to the boys in the morning.

Once I got into bed and started thinking about the way the evening had panned out, I had to admit that what Joe and Hoss had done wasn’t that bad. I mean, the idea had been a good one; unfortunately they had messed up, a bit, but basically their hearts had been in the right place. I strongly suspected that Little Joe had probably been motivated, mainly, by the thought of making some money, but even so, it was a nice plan.

I was mad about the way he’d set Adam up, but I could see the funny side, and would have loved to have been there when my eldest son discovered whom his date was.

 

The following morning, Little Joe was doing all he could to keep off the subject of the previous night and he skirted round me like I was an unexploded bomb. I didn’t think it would do him any harm to sweat a bit and so I said nothing, for most of the day. Just when he was beginning to think that I was going to let the matter drop, I called him and Hoss over to my desk, in my best ‘Pa’ voice.

I almost laughed out loud when I saw the way their demeanour changed and they stood in front of me, hands behind their backs, staring at their feet.

 

I started by saying that the idea of the dating agency was not a bad one and that it was good to know that my sons had wanted to do something to help the community. I laid it on a bit, until Joe had to confess that his motive had been more financial than altruistic. Then I saw the look of horror cross his face, as he realised that he hadn’t made any money out of the enterprise. He then, rather nervously, explained that he didn’t have the money to pay for the broken window in Madame Claudette’s store, because he had lost what I’d given him, in a poker match. I had just been about ready to let both of them off with a lecture and a warning, not to get into things beyond their capabilities, but this changed matters. I still delivered the lecture and suggested that both of them wrote letters of apology to those who had been matched up with the wrong partners. Then I let Hoss leave, as I knew that he was very sorry about how things had turned out, and so didn’t feel the need to say anymore to him.

 

However, with Joseph it was a different story and, unfortunately, it didn’t have a happy ending. I had to take him upstairs and explain to him, a bit more forcefully, that I did not approve of him gambling away the money I had given him for Madame Claudette’s window.

I left him in his room, to think about what he’d done, and said that I would take the money to Madame Claudette and he wouldn’t be getting any wages until he had paid me back, in full. He also told me that he owed three months wages to the hands, for more gambling debts, and so it looked like Little Joe was going to be working for nothing, for about six months. Hopefully, this would teach him a valuable lesson, although knowing my son as I do, it was more likely to lead him into another get rich quick scheme.

Life was certainly never dull, with Little Joe around!

 

 

Adam

 

Looking back at it I suppose it had been a good prank. I could just imagine Little Joe’s surprise, when he saw my letter. I was probably the last person he’d expected to get as a customer. And I think I would have done the same, if I’d been in his shoes.

 

That doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve that little payback of course. Boy, was it fun to see his face when I mentioned my date and when I brought Betty home, I thought their eyes would pop out of their heads. But of course Hoss had nothing to do with it and as far as Little Joe was concerned I thought this little surprise over supper had been enough.

 

I think he might have escaped punishment almost completely, had it not been for that business with the window. But of course Pa couldn’t let that go.

 

Well, Hoss had disappeared as soon as Pa started taking Little Joe up to his room, knowing what would happen, and I sat down at Pa’s desk. This whole thing had made me realise something. Why limit myself to Virginia City? There were more towns in the area. And in every one of those towns were nice young ladies just waiting to be courted. I remembered this beautiful young lady in Placerville a month or two ago. She was the daughter of one of the local bankers and even though we had only talked for a few minutes, it was obvious she was interested in me. I don’t know why I never wrote to her; I did promise to look her up, whenever I was back in town.

 

Well, I decided to just sit down and write her a letter. Fortunately, I knew her father’s address, so that was no problem. Not wanting to go upstairs at the time to get my stationary and pen, I opened Pa’s top drawer to get some of his. Just as I was about to close the drawer again, my eye fell on something: a letter. Now I don’t read other people’s mail, especially not Pa’s! But this letter was in his handwriting and what stunned me was that it was addressed to the Heart to Heart Dating Agency!

 

He had just sat there listening to my humiliating confession about my date with Betty and he had been planning on doing the same! I took out the letter and put it on top of the desk. I started writing my own letter to Miss Victoria Baker and waited for Pa to come downstairs.

 

I didn’t have to wait long and as he sat down in his chair with a brandy, looking as tired as he always does after having to deal with Little Joe, I started reading his letter out loud. His head popped up and the expression on his face changed from sadness to shock, to embarrassment, to anger and back to embarrassment. Before I saw him coming, he was at the desk, and snatched the letter from my hands, barking at me to mind my own business.

 

I couldn’t help myself. I tried not to laugh, but the more I looked at his face, the more I started to shake with laughter and finally I almost doubled over in my chair, clutching my stomach from laughing. I may not have the infectious giggle my youngest brother has, but despite his embarrassment, Pa had to join in.

 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I was wondering what Little Joe would have come up with, if Pa had actually sent in that letter. Would he have dared setting his own Pa up with someone like Betty? I wouldn’t put it past him. That boy has more guts than wisdom, but you have to hand it to him: he sure keeps life interesting.

 

THE END

 

October 2002

 

 

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