LOST AND FOUND

Part One: Heaven

A state or place of compete happiness

Mr. And Mrs. John Larson

respectfully request the honor of your presence

at the marriage of their daughter

Rebecca Muldrew

to

Joseph Francis Cartwright

Son of Mr. Benjamin Cartwright and the late Marie Cartwright

on Saturday evening, the eighteenth of September

Eighteen Hundred and sixty -two

At seven o’clock in the evening

Ponderosa Ranch

Virginia City, Nevada Territory

Rebecca was ecstatic to see that the invitations were finished. She had gone to Mrs. Potter that morning in hopes of simply seeing how they looked. She was surprised to find all of the invitations had been written and addressed. Rebecca returned home, reading and rereading the invitation. It was hard for her to believe it was actually true. She and Joe would soon be husband and wife. She said it out loud, “Mrs. Joseph Cartwright.” She ran the title over in her head. No, she thought, it would be Rebecca Cartwright, wife of Joe Cartwright. She liked that much better.

Rebecca was lost in a daydream of the wedding when there was a knock at the door. She tore herself away from her thoughts and answered it. Standing there was her fiancee.

“Joe! What a surprise. I didn’t think I’d get to see you until Friday evening.” She said, as she jumped into his arms.

“Are you kidding? I couldn’t wait that long. I told Pa I would pick up the supplies, but I think he knew my real reason for wanting to come into town.” Joe said, giving Rebecca a big smile and a squeeze. “Are you gonna ask me in, or are we gonna give Mrs. Woods across the street more to gossip about?”

“Let her talk, Joe.” Rebecca moved aside for Joe to enter. “My mama is in the kitchen, so come on in.” He removed his hat, as he crossed the threshold. Rebecca knew that although Joe and she were engaged, her parents still expected her to have a chaperone if Joe was in the house.

“Hey, Mrs. Woods,” Rebecca called across the street. “Beautiful day isn’t it? Joe and I are going to go in and talk now.” Rebecca shut the door, and both she and Joe laughed heartily.

“Rebecca, I can’t believe you. Sometimes you make me look like a saint.” Joe shook his head smiling.

“Now I wouldn’t say that!” Rebecca then called to her mother, “Mother, Joe’s here.”

Mrs. Larson came into the living room from the kitchen. “Well hello, Little Joe. How’s your Pa and brothers?”

“They’re just fine, Mrs. Larson. How are you?” Joe was always nervous talking to Rebecca’s mother. He felt maybe she knew some of the less than “gentlemanly thoughts” he had about her daughter. He stood fumbling with his hat in his hands. At that moment, Rebecca took the hat to hang up on the hat tree, leaving Joe more uncomfortable without his ready made distraction.

“Oh, I’m doin’ good, Joe. Can you stay for supper tonight?” Mrs. Larson asked, as she noticed his nervousness. She had seen his confidence with her daughter, but he seemed much younger when he talked to her or her husband. She found his manner endearing.

“Oh, can ya, Joe?” Rebecca excitedly asked.

“No Rebecca, I can’t. I gotta get supplies back to the ranch, but maybe we could go for a ride before I head back?” Joe offered.

“Well Mama? Can I?” Rebecca asked, not taking her eyes off of her fiancee.

“Sure. You two have fun and be careful. Rebecca, supper is promptly at six.”

“I know Mama. I’ll be back.”

“Don’t you worry Mrs. Larson. I’ll have her back in plenty of time.” Joe said, wanting to show he was responsible.

“Oh, I trust you Joe. You kids have a good time.”

The Larson’s could not be happier about the engagement of Joe to their daughter. The Cartwright’s had been family friends for years, and they had known Joe since he was a little boy. For a long time Mrs. Larson had known that her daughter was in love with Little Joe. She would watch how Rebecca looked at Joe when he was not looking at her. Now she saw how Joe looked at her daughter. It was just as obvious that Joe loved her daughter deeply.

Mrs. Larson allowed Joe and Rebecca more privacy than most mothers would approve of, but she felt the two should be enjoying themselves right now. She knew Joe was brought up in a good family and respected her daughter. She had heard the rumors and talk about Joe, but she found it rather amusing and without merit. He never had done anything to shame a girl.. He just liked to flirt a lot. And Mrs. Larson also knew her daughter. Little Joe Cartwright had met his match as far as Rebecca being able to stand toe-to -toe with him.

Mrs. Larson walked back into the kitchen and returned to her baking.

Joe and Rebecca were on the way out the door when Rebecca stopped. “Oh, Joe I almost forgot. Before we go, look, we got the invitations back from Mrs. Potter.”

“Let me see.”

Rebecca proudly handed the invitation to Joe. He read it over and found his heart skipping a beat. It wasn’t because he was afraid. It was because he could not believe that he was actually going to get to make Rebecca his bride. Joe had felt more peace and happiness over the last six month than he had ever experienced. He knew it was because of her, and how he was when he was with her. “Lets bring this along with us.” Joe said, but added in a whispered, “Lets find some time alone.”

“Good idea.” Rebecca whispered back, and they walked out the door.

As they walked down the path from the house to the road, Joe apologized. “Sorry all I’ve got is the buckboard. It rides rough, but that just means you have to hold on to me tight.”

“Oh and isn’t that a tragedy!” She flirted back.

”Sure is. ” Joe said taking her by her waist to help her up onto the buckboard. But before he lifted her, he turned her towards him, their eyes locked, and he held her there for a minute. So much went unsaid in words, but so much was said by his look. Then Joe gently helped Rebecca up and into the wagon and followed behind her. He gathered the reins and signaled the horses to move forward.

Joe and Rebecca had their favorite place to go to when they wanted to be alone. Rebecca knew a lot of the people in town would frown upon her being alone with Joe, but she really did not care what they thought. She did not though, want to embarrass her parents. The more she thought about it, the more she found it funny that when everyone knew Joe and Rebecca were friends, no one thought twice about the two of them doing things together. Now that everyone knew they were courting and now engaged, she felt like she was watched every minute she was with him. She had shared this with Joe, and he laughed and had told her he had felt the same way.

In order to remove themselves from prying eyes and to be able talk freely, Joe and Rebecca had found their own place to go when they were fortunate enough to be alone, although those times were rare. They had chosen a small, quiet meadow on the Ponderosa that had a grove of tall trees and a pond. The meadow was special to them because they had played there many times as children. It had been in that meadow that Joe had kissed Rebecca when they were only ten. They had chosen the place again to be a place where they could kiss.

It was to this place that Joe drove the buckboard. During the drive to the meadow, Rebecca asked Joe to start to teach her how to drive a team of horses. He patiently began showing her how he did it, and she enthusiastically watched. It was in doing things such as this, that Joe found himself the happiest. He had never been as comfortable with a girl as he was with Rebecca. And her genuine interest in him and the things he did, made him feel important.

In the beginning of their romantic relationship, it had been uncomfortable between them. There had been the initial awkwardness of redefining who they were with each other. Quickly though, they were able to return to the rhythm of their friendship, and the love between them grew naturally.

Joe pulled the horses to a stop and dismounted the wagon He walked around and reached for Rebecca, put his arms around her waist and gently helped her down. They held hands and walked lazily over to the grove of trees and sat down.

“Rebecca, can I see that invitation again?” Joe asked. Rebecca handed it to him and watched him reread it. Joe looked over the invitation and broke out laughing. “Muldrew? Your middle name is actually Muldrew? Where’d your folks get that one from?”

“Stop it.” She said laughing herself and playfully hitting him on the shoulder.

“No, no, this is good.” Joe continued to laugh. “What exactly is a Muldrew?” Joe was laughing so hard it was hard to talk and he fell over on his side. “I thought my middle name was bad.”

“Would you quit it!” Rebecca was also laughing harder. “Muldrew is my mother’s maiden name.”

“Too bad her maiden name wasn’t Ann or Sue, huh?” Joe quipped. “Hey, and anyway, how come our middle names are even on here? From the looks of it, I don’t think either one of us would benefit from this type of advertisin’.”

“Joe weren’t you listening when I told you I’d gotten that manners book from Carson City when I got the material for my dress? In the book it says that this is the way wedding invitations are supposed to be written.”

Joe had heard a lot about the manners book since Rebecca had gotten it. He did not understand why there was so much that had to be done about a wedding, and why it had to be done a certain way. He did not care if they got married in the saloon, just as long as she married him. But Joe was wanting Rebecca to have the wedding she had dreamed of since she was a little girl, so he humored her.

“If that is the way its supposed to be, then by all means, lets do it.” Joe responded. “Does your manners book say anything about me kissing you right now?”

“As a matter of fact it does.”

“Oh, it does now? What does it say?”

“It says that young, handsome, deep green-eyed, dark curly-haired, smooth-talking men are not to be trusted. They even have lecherous thoughts.”

“Oh it does, does it?” Joe said moving in close to her and putting his hands on her shoulders.

“It also says that those type men I just described are about the best kissers in the territory.” She said, smiling at him. Joe kissed her deeply and she responded in kind.

“I love you so much, Joe.” Rebecca said, as they broke their embrace.

“I love you too.” Joe said and laid down comfortably on his side, propping himself up on one elbow.

“ Joe, are you still having those nightmares?” Rebecca asked.

Joe had confided in her that he was having nightmares from his ordeal with Katherine LaGrande. He had not discussed what Katherine had said and done to him with anyone except Rebecca. He really did not like to think about it, but he had found that talking to Rebecca made the dreams occur less often.

“Yeah, but not as often. I had one night before last. It seems that they’re worse when I’m really tired, and I was exhausted that night.”

“I worry about you. Its been over six months since that happened.” She looked at him, the concern showing on her face.

“Rebecca, you don’t need to worry. LaGrande is dead, and I’ve mended up just fine.”

“Joe, I know you so well, and I know that you keep things on your mind for a long time.” She looked at him with worry in her eyes.

“I don’t think of it much any other time. I just can’t control what I dream about, I guess.”

“What other things do you dream about, Joe?”

“I’m not tellin’,” He teased.

“Oh come on Joe, tell me.”

“Nope.” He said, putting a long strand of grass in his mouth and chewing the end.

“You ever dream about me?” She asked him while she carelessly played with his hair.

“Oh, yeah!” Joe said a little too enthusiastically.

The way Joe answered caught her attention. “So tell me.”

“Uh uh.” Joe was embarrassed at the way his answer had popped out.

“Please?” She begged.

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“A fella’s gotta have some secrets. Anyway doesn’t your manners book say something about bein’ too nosy?” Joe said attempting to change the subject.

“I’m not being nosy, I’m just gettin’ to know my husband.”

Joe liked the sound of that and smiled. “You know, Bec,” Joe had called her Bec before they had fallen in love. They had been childhood friends, and he had treated her like one of his male friends until she had saved his life. She had told him later that she had liked to be called Rebecca, more so than Bec. Joe had taken to calling her Rebecca, but every so often he slipped and called her Bec. Rebecca found his occasional slips to be sweet. “I was thinkin’ over what happened to me with that woman, and you know what is strange about it? She was talkin’ all this about love, and how much she loved me, but in the whole thing I found real love... and that’s you.”

“Joe that’s sweet.”

“No it’s true. I’ve been so happy these past months. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to thank her, but it’s just odd.”

“Joe until you kissed me that day, I doubted I would’ve ever been here with you.”

Joe thought about that day and then began to think about the past six months...

After being injured, Joe spent many days just sitting around the ranch letting his body heal. He had been violently attacked by the mad woman, and his body took time to mend. That required him to live a much more sedate life than he was used to. It was after Rebecca visited him, and he had kissed her, that he found himself unable to go very long without thinking of her. He was amazed that she was so beautiful. He had seen her so many times before that day, but on that day, he actually noticed her. Since he had kissed her, he spent time wondering when he could see her again.

The two had know each other since they were both seven and attended school together. Joe had attended the school since age six, and Rebecca was new to town, her family having just moved from St. Louis. Joe had a knack for being disruptive in class and was always being moved from one seat to another by a desperate teacher attempting to find some place for him that would keep him out of trouble. Many of his disruptions came from the mere fact that Joe was a very active little boy, and found sitting in a seat for very long as being equated with torture. It was during one of these frequent moves that Joe was put behind a little girl with long brunette braids, Rebecca Larson. She towered over Joe, and he had a hard time seeing around her. It was not that she was necessarily so tall, it was that he was so small. Throughout his childhood he had been much smaller than the rest of the children his age. Joe did not seem to let this slow him down because for the most part, he saw himself in his mind as the same size as his fellow classmates. It was when someone reminded him this was not the case that Joe became very angry and a fight would often result.

The time of Joe and Rebecca’s official meeting was a hot spring day, and Joe was bored in class, as usual. He was glad to hide behind someone, but found that just sitting there was not fun either. That was when he had gotten the idea to try and put the little girl’s hair in his inkwell without her noticing. He had been successful at keeping his victim unaware, and in his confidence he then attempted to write his name on his paper with his makeshift pen. At that time, Rebecca felt the tugging on her hair and pulled her braid back around to her front. The ink on her hair flew onto the clothes of the girl in front of Rebecca. There was a small commotion, and the little girl whose dress was ruined glared at Rebecca.

Later, during recess, the girl with the damaged clothing had gathered some of her friends and began to pick on Rebecca. Joe saw this happening and noticed the look on Rebecca’s face. It was a cross between anger and fear. Joe felt bad about what he had done, saw she was out numbered, and stepped in. He took on the group of girls on Rebecca’s behalf. The result of his intervention was a black eye for Joe. Rebecca then punched the girl who had punched Joe and put her in the dirt. It was then that he and Rebecca became fast friends. Joe had found it neat that a girl could punch so good.

It took a while for Joe to live down the fact he had been punched by a girl, but he felt good that his Pa told him he had done the right thing in defending Rebecca, and not hitting the girl back. However, he was reprimanded for having put Rebecca in the situation in the first place. It was from this encounter that their long-term friendship and then courtship began.

Ben had been witness to the kiss Joe had given Rebecca after being was attacked. He noticed his son had been oblivious to the fact that both his father and Rebecca’s father, John had been standing near by. Since that time, Ben had noticed Joe was talking about Rebecca a lot. He found himself thinking he would be very happy if Joe fell for that particular young lady. She was a fine girl. The only girl Ben thought he had seen who could handle his wild son. The other girls Joe had shown some interest in seemed to be lacking that quality. His father knew whomever Joe chose as his wife, she had to be a woman who was strong and full of life. He knew Rebecca to be both.

Joe was restless. He was not used to staying in one place for very long, and it was getting to him. He had done as his Pa had said and had taken it easy as long as he thought he could. He still hurt at times, but he did not want it to slow him down. He was missing his friends, and he could not believe that he was missing doing work around the ranch. Most of all he was missing seeing Bec. He was trying to figure a way to get to see her when his Pa spoke. “Joe, would you like to ride into town with me today?”

Joe was taken aback. His Pa was actually asking him if he wanted to go to town? “Yeah, sure Pa. What’d you have to do?”

“Oh, some banking and I need to meet with the Cattleman’s Association.”

“Um, do you think I could have some time to see a couple of my friends?”

“Yeah, I could probably spare the time.” Ben smiled. He thought he knew who Joe really wanted to see.

Ben noticed that Joe lit up. “Oh good Pa. I’d like to see... um everyone.”

“Do you feel strong enough to ride Cochise, or should we take a buggy?” Ben looked at his son with concern.

“No Pa, I’m feelin’ pretty good. I’d rather have Cochise to get around in town.” Actually it was uncomfortable to ride, and Joe had not done much since he was hurt, but he wanted to have the freedom of having his own horse in town.

“Well, we’ll take it easy on the ride in. Lets saddle up.”

Ben and Joe rode side by side across the Ponderosa towards town. As they rode, Ben noticed his son trying to quicken the pace. He tended to worry about Joe more so than his other two, because he felt his son did not worry enough. “Son, hold her back some.” Ben said, referring to Cochise. “You don’t need to do a whole lot of bouncing around.”

Joe had grown used to his father fussing over him, but he really did not want to draw out the ride. He kept thinking of going to Bec’s house, and that caused him to give Cochise more reign, resulting in Cochise picking up the pace. He had though, been feeling pain in his back from the ride and knew his father was probably right. It just seemed that it was taking too long.

When they entered town, Joe was quick to ask, “Well Pa, can I take off and meet you some place later?”

Ben had to smile at his son’s eagerness. “Sure Joe. How ‘bout in the International House at say, oh five o’clock. I’ll buy you supper.”

“Sounds good, Pa.”

Joe went to ride off, but his father’s words stopped him. “Joseph, you behave yourself.”

“I will, I will.” And with that, Joe rode off in a gallop.

Ben watched his son ride off. He shook his head and wondered if his son ever slowed down.

Joe headed straight to Bec’s house. As he rode he found himself starting to get nervous. That was a new feeling for him in regards to Bec and to girls in general. Before, he’d never thought twice about going to her house and seeing what she was up to. But now he had so many thoughts about her that had changed his feelings, and he was not sure he could talk to her. Joe thought to himself. “Now there’s a first. I can’t come up with something to say to a girl.”

Joe had a talent for flirting with girls that was legendary. He seemed to be able to read each one and tell them what he knew they wanted to hear. He had enjoyed kissing and flirting with different girls, and he had to admit he liked the attention. Though this time, he knew it was very different. He would never had these feelings he had inside of him regarding a girl, and he knew he had to tell her.

He arrived at the Larson home without a good idea as to how he was going to talk to Bec. He did not have much of a chance to think after he dismounted, because she came around the corner at that moment. “Hey Joe!” Rebecca called out. She had a big smile on her face, so happy to see him again.

“Uh, hey Bec. How are you?” He looked at her, and his heart skipped a beat. She was dressed in her usual work clothes, not all done up like she had been when she visited him at the ranch, but he saw her in the same light he had seen her that day. He realized that he would have a different reaction to the sight of Rebecca Larson from now on.

“I’m just fine. More importantly how are you? Here, come over and lets sit down.” Rebecca said motioning towards the porch.

“Oh, okay.” Joe couldn’t believe it was so hard to talk. He moved to the porch and sat next to her. “I’m doin’ fine, thanks to you and Pa.”

“I’m so glad you’re okay Joe. That whole ordeal was so scary. “

“Yeah it was.” Joe was not wanting to think about what had happened to him. He quickly changed the subject. “So, tell me what’s new around here.”

Rebecca began to update Joe on the events around town. Joe looked into her eyes as she talked, but found that he only half heard her. He kept thinking of how good her hair had smelled and the kiss they shared.

“Joe? Hello Joe?” Rebecca questioned.

“Huh, …oh, what’d you say?”

“Where were you?”

“Um, just thinkin’ about stuff.”

“Like what?”

“It’s nothing” Joe said blushing.

“What’s with you? You don’t seem yourself. This is the quietest I have ever heard you.”

“Well uh, its just, uh”

“Spit it out, Joe. Why are you so nervous?”

Should he tell her? He wondered to himself. What should he say? He took a deep breath. “Bec, um, Rebecca I uh, I’ve been thinkin’...”

Rebecca started to become nervous herself. She had dreamed of the kiss they shared over and over. She thought maybe she had a chance with Joe, but what if he was trying to tell her he didn’t feel the same way she did?

“You know what you said on the, um ride back to the house, when um that stuff had happened. And you know when I, uh, kissed you?

“Yeah, Joe?” She asked tentatively. Her heart was starting to sink.

“Well I um...” Joe was frustrated at himself because what he wanted to say was not coming out right. He told himself to just say it. “ Well hell, Bec, I love you too.” Joe thought to himself, “Oh boy, that didn’t come out right.”

At first she did not think she heard him right. “What’d you say?”

“Geez, Bec I had a hard enough time saying it the first time. Now you want me to say it again?”

What he had said had already registered, and she smiled big. “Uh huh.”

“I love you, Rebecca Larson. How’s that?” Her smile had made it easy for him to say it again.

“Joe Cartwright, That’s the most beautiful thing you have ever said.” Rebecca said, hugging him.

Joe and Rebecca continued to talk, and Joe finally relaxed. He got nervous again when he thought about taking her hand and holding it. He took a deep breath and reached out and took it. She squeezed his ever so lightly, and he again relaxed. Joe was thrilled.

A little later, David and Richard came along and saw Joe sitting on the porch with Rebecca. As they walked up they saw Joe holding her hand. “My, my, my what do we have here?” Richard chided.

Richard and David were Joe’s best friends, well Joe’s best male friends, and they had spent many hours together talking and getting into trouble. Before they had discovered girls, the boys would play together for hours. They would make up whole scenarios of Indians attacking and cowboys shooting. They could do this for hours on end and never run out of energy. After the three had discovered the opposite sex, they would take their girls out together.

Joe felt himself blush all over. He had not thought about what David and Richard would do about all this. Joe knew David had liked Rebecca in the past because David had confided in him. Joe hoped this would not wreck their friendship. “Uh, hey guys. What ‘cha up to?” Joe tried to make it sound like nothing was out of the ordinary.

“We’re not up to much, but looks like you two are.” David responded, nodding towards Joe and Rebecca’s hands.

“Oh, uh we’re just talkin’ s’all.” Joe said in their defense.

“So Rebecca, you finally landed him, huh?” Richard asked her.

“What do you mean?” she questioned.

“Oh David and I have had a bet goin’ for some time now. We were bettin’ when Joe would wake up and realize you were in love with him. Hey David, you owe me a dollar.” Richard turned to collect his money from his friend.

“I’m real touched fellas that my love life would be of such interest to you.” Joe responded. “Maybe mine is so interesting, because yours is so dull. I can give both of you some pointers on how to round yourself up a filly if you’d like.”

“Joe, if it takes what you went through to catch a girl, I don’t think I’m willing to do that just yet.” David responded.

Rebecca interrupted, “Wait a sec’ Joe. You rounded me up? Now I have heard everything. And as far as giving these two boys pointers, I think it’d be better if I did it.”

The four spent the rest of the afternoon talking and kidding around together. David and Richard had left before Joe had to sat good bye to Rebecca. When that time came, he became nervous once again. He had wanted to kiss her all day long, and now was his opportunity. He held his hat in his hand and turned it over and over. Rebecca stood looking at Joe wanting him to kiss her. He put his hat on his saddle horn and turned to her. Their eyes locked and they both smiled. He leaned in and kissed her softly. Joe could have stayed there kissing her all night, but knew they’d better quit before her parents came out of the house with a shotgun.

“Well Bec, I’d better go.” he said, a little sad.

“I know. I wish you didn’t have to. When are you going to be in town again?”

“I’m gonna come in any chance I get. You can bet on that!” he said, mounting Cochise. He turned and rode off, but he kept looking back at her until he rounded the corner.

*************************

Joe and Rebecca’s courtship was quickly noticed by everyone. The first to notice was Ben, Hoss and Adam. Joe did not tell them he was courting Rebecca, but each had a sneaking suspicion. It was his behavior around the ranch that put them on to him. Joe was doing his chores quickly and without complaining. Ben was shocked one day to hear whistling coming from the barn... and it was Little Joe. The shocking part had been Joe was working at the time, straightening up in the barn when he hadn’t even been asked.

At dinner one night, almost two weeks after Joe had told Rebecca he loved her, Ben decided to see if Joe would admit to his seeing Rebecca romantically. “Well Joseph, you’ve been doing a fine job around here lately son. To what do we owe the change in your attitude?”

“Change in attitude? What do you mean?” Joe had a sneaking suspicion of where his father was going with the question, but wanted to stall as long as possible. He knew he would hear no end of it from Hoss and Adam once he admitted he was in love with Rebecca.

“Well son, not that I am complaining at all, mind you, but you have been bouncing around this place and seem to actually be enjoying work.”

“Now Pa, I wouldn’t push it that far.” Adam said teasing Joe.

“No Pa, I wouldn’t say that either. Little Joe’s not bouncin’ around here ‘cause of work. There’s a gal involved for sure.” Hoss joined in on the fun.

Joe felt himself blush. He thought he might as well just tell them and get it over with. “As a matter of fact older brother, there is a certain gal in my life, if you have to know.”

“Well out with it, who is she?” Adam asked. They all knew who she was, but it was great fun to put Joe on the spot.

“Now Adam, have I asked you who the woman in your life is right now?” Joe tried to get the focus off of himself.

“No you don’t, Joe. We’re talking about your love life, not mine.” Adam quickly caught on.

“Son, we are just happy for you. Rebecca is a wonderful girl.” Ben helped his youngest son out.

“You’ve known?” Joe asked, realizing they had already figured it out.

“Joe, I have no idea how you win so much at poker, ‘cause your face always gives you away.” Hoss responded

“Hoss, I usually don’t play poker with people who’ve made it their job to needle me.” Joe answered, smiling at his brother.

They spent the rest of the evening teasing Joe. He took it well and threw back several good ones of his own. Ben sat back and listened to his boys and smiled. These were the times he loved most of all, when there were no major problems and the boys were getting along.

*********************

After Joe had told Rebecca how he felt, he took every chance he could to go to town and see her. They soon began the formal process of courting. This was done by Joe asking Rebecca’s father if it was all right with him if they courted. He had survived the process, but barely. Joe had been violently ill before talking to Mr. Larson and was sure Mr. Larson was gonna string him up for asking. After Rebecca’s father had agreed , Joe became cheerful and easy going. His mood seemed to have permeated the Ponderosa and things were light and carefree. Ben was in town himself one day and ran into John Larson while at the bank.

“Hello there Ben. How are you?” John greeted.

“Doin’ fine, John. Just fine. How are you and Maggie and Rebecca?”

“We’re all just fine, Rebecca especially. “ John said, knowing Ben would understand the comment.

“Oh yes. Little Joe is happier than I’ve ever seen him.” Ben responded.

“Your Joe and my Rebecca, Ben, can you believe it? I’ve gotten to talk to Joe more since he has been coming around, and Ben he’s a fine boy. And Maggie is so happy that Rebecca is dressing in dresses since she and Joe started courting.”

“John, I’ve always been fond of your daughter, and I believe she is a wonderful influence on my son. You let me know if he doesn’t behave himself.”

“Oh Ben, Joe’s been a perfect gentleman. You raised him right. Maggie and I know that.” John was quick to put Ben’s concerns to rest.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Ben knew his son was a good person and would not do anything malicious, but he also knew his son was impulsive and sometimes acted before he thought. Ben made a mental note to talk to Joe when he got back to the ranch.

Later that evening after Joe had turned in, Ben decided to have the talk he knew he should have with his youngest. He wanted to remind Joe to remember the consequences of his actions before he acted. Ben had found this approach had sometimes worked with his impulsive son. He knocked on Joe’s door.

“Yeah, come in.” Joe called out, and Ben entered the room.

“Oh, hey Pa.” Joe put down the book he was reading and sat up to look at his father.

Ben came over and sat at the foot of Joe’s bed. “Son, I’d like to talk with you a moment if you don’t mind.”

“Sure Pa.” Joe quickly tried to think if there was anything he had done wrong lately.

“I saw John Larson in town today, and he told me how pleased he and Mrs. Larson are that you are courting Rebecca. I just wanted to talk to you about making sure you think through your actions with Rebecca carefully.”

“What’d ya mean Pa?”

“Son, a woman’s reputation is important...” Ben began.

Joe immediately became uncomfortable. His Pa had already had this talk with him quite some time ago, as had Adam. “Pa I know that.” Joe responded, hoping his father would cut the talk short.

“Let me finish now, son. You and Rebecca together pleases me greatly, but I know you are young and there are some decisions to be made with some serious consequences. I want you to think through those decisions before you do anything. You do not want to hurt Rebecca, her parents, yourself, or your family. Joe, you know the way I raised you and my opinion of how men and women should behave. I know you also have to make your own decision about this. Just think things through.”

All the while Ben spoke, Joe starred at his feet. He was not sure how he felt about the subject. Joe had never shared with his father about the decisions he had made in this area. He knew that there were the women who “did” and the women who “didn’t”, and he had known a few of the women who “did”. He started wondering if he should tell Rebecca about it. He didn’t know what was the best thing to do, and he was not sure with whom he could discuss it.

“Joe are you listening to me?” Ben said noting the lack of eye contact from his son.

“Uh, Yeah Pa. I’m listening. Don’t worry I’m not gonna do anything foolish, I promise.” Joe answered.

“Son, I trust you. I just want you to think about what I’ve said.”

“I will Pa. Don’t worry.”

“Well goodnight, Joseph.”

”’Night Pa.”

After his father left, Joe continued to think about what Ben had said. No one had to tell him it was hard to be around Rebecca and not want more. He knew he did not want to pressure her into something she was not ready for. That left him trying to cope with his own reactions to such a beautiful girl. When things would start to get to him with Rebecca, and he knew he was on the brink of doing something he may regret, he had taken to thinking of all the different ways he could tie a knot. So far it had distracted him enough so he had not put any undo pressure on her. He figured that it had worked pretty well so far, so he’d keep handling the problem in the same manner.

***********************

Joe and Rebecca had been courting for over four months. They spent endless hours talking and kissing. He was deeply in love and thought it was time he took Rebecca to his special place: to his mother’s grave. Rebecca knew the loss of Joe’s mother was a hard subject for him to talk about. He tended to get angry if anyone brought it up and seemed to hold a lot of pain inside about it. When he asked her if she would ride out with him to the grave, Rebecca was deeply touched. Joe was quiet for much of the ride. He wanted Rebecca to know how much the place he was taking her to meant to him. He wished he could have his mother there alive to meet the woman he loved. He thought this was one way for them to meet.

As they arrived by the lake, Rebecca spoke, “It’s so beautiful up here. It feels like heaven.”

“Yeah, I think that too...So did my mother.” Joe helped her off her horse and walked her over to Marie Cartwright’s tombstone. He stood in front of it as he had so many times before. Rebecca took his hand. She looked into his face and saw tears. “Rebecca I wish so much I could share all of this with her. I wish she could meet you and see all of the things I love about you.” He couldn’t talk anymore.

“Joe, I wish I could have met her too. I know she would be very proud of her son, and the man he has become. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I love you.” She kissed his cheek lightly and gently wiped the tears running down his face.

They spent most of the afternoon that day at Marie’s grave. Joe opened up and told her about his mother’s life and her tragic death. He told the story from the information his family had given him, as well as from his own memories. Joe recalled for her his memories of the sights and sounds of his mother. He told her of the stories he remembered his mother reading to him, the songs she sang, and the way she smelled of rose water. Joe pulled out the silver locket he always carried with him and opened it to show Rebecca the picture inside.

“She was very beautiful.” Rebecca said, noticing the resemblance between mother and son.

“Yeah, she was.” Joe said taking the locket back. He stood looking at his mother’s picture as he spoke. “I’ve got this memory, at least I think it’s a memory.“ Joe spoke quietly through his tears. “I can see my mother’s coffin going into the ground. When I remember it, I have this feeling like I’ve lost everything - Pa, my brothers. I even feel like I’ve lost contact with the ground up under my feet. I don’t know if I even really remember being at my mother’s funeral, though. Pa told me I was there, but I just don’t know... You know that’s something that bothers me about her death. I can’t remember much, and I really want to. It seems the older I get, the more my mother is slipping away from my mind.”

Rebecca sat and listened to him and said very little. She knew how hard it was for him to talk about it, and she didn’t want to interfere with what she knew Joe needed to say. When he finished talking, he felt tired and sad. Rebecca felt so close to him at that moment. Joe reached out and took her hand and lead her to the horses. “Thank you for letting me get that out.”

“Joe, I love you and I want to be there to help you. You are the most important thing in my life.” He kissed her passionately and wanted her desperately.

****************************

It was after he had taken Rebecca up to his mother’s grave, that he knew he wanted to marry her. He had felt so complete since he had shared his heart with her. He knew it was the right thing to do. He decided to talk to his Pa before he asked Mr. Larson for Rebecca’s hand. Joe waited to talk until he knew his brothers were out of earshot. He walked up to his father’s desk and began to speak.

“Pa, can I talk to you?” Joe asked, feeling nervous.

“Sure, Joe what’s on your mind?”

Joe sat in the chair opposite his father’s desk. This was a very familiar scene between father and son. However, it was usually a time when Joe was in trouble, and Ben was doling out punishments. “Pa. I’ve thought a lot about this, and I know I’m young, but I want to ask Rebecca’s Pa if he’d let Rebecca marry me.”

Ben had seen this coming for awhile and had spent a considerable amount of time thinking about it. Ben knew Rebecca was the best thing that had happened to his son. He also knew Joe had settled down considerably since courting her. However Ben was concerned that his son was so young, not necessarily chronologically, but more that Joe seemed to be emotionally younger than most seventeen year olds. He believed in his son, though. Ben did not feel he could say no to Joe and keep his relationship with him. He had to give Joe his trust. Ben just wanted to make sure he helped the young couple out as much as possible.

“Son, I’m not real surprised you’re thinking this way.” Ben started and leaned back in his chair. “What kind of plans have you thought about?”

“Pa, I’m startin’ to run the horse operation here, and if you are willin’ to let me stay with that, I think I could continue to turn it into a money maker. That will give me a way of making some money. I’ve put some aside, and I’m replacing the savings I lost from the uh...fight.”

“Joe, you know the horse operation is yours. What have you thought about regarding living arrangements?” Ben queried.

“I was thinkin’ of using that land you gave me to build a house on.” Joe answered. Ben had given each of his boys some land on the Ponderosa that was theirs alone, and he was please Joe was thinking of staying on the ranch.

“Well, Joseph. Sounds like you’ve put some thought into this. I must tell you son, I have as well. I’ll give you my blessing to marry Rebecca on three conditions. The first is you let us help you build that house, and until it is finished, you and Rebecca will stay here in this house.”

“Boy, I was hoping I could get a little help with that.” Joe said enthusiastically. “What’s the second condition?”

“I want to take some of the money I’ve invested for you and liquidate it to give you and Rebecca a firm financial foundation.”

“Well, I have no problem with that either. But Pa, could you help me manage it?” Joe asked, feeling a little overwhelmed.

Ben was again pleased at his son’s request. “It would be a pleasure, son. I’d love to help you. And let me get the third.”

Ben went over to the safe and opened it. Joe wondered what his Pa was up to. Ben turned around and spoke, “Son, I kept this after your mother died, and I think it is appropriate that you give it to your bride on the day you marry her.” Ben held out a gold ring to his son.

“Pa, this was really my mother’s?” Joe said, as he got misty eyed. He noticed there was an inscription inside. He moved it closer to his eyes and read, Je t’aime toujours. Joe knew enough French to know the translation- I love you, always. He knew that was true of how his father felt about his mother. And it was true of how he felt about Rebecca. “Don’t you want to keep it Pa? I know its gotta be awfully special to you.”

“No son. I got the most special thing from my marriage to your mother standing in front of me.” Ben walked around from the desk and hugged his son.

“Thanks Pa.” Joe said, thrilled at the prospect of settling down with Rebecca.

“Now go put that some place where you don’t lose it.” Ben told his son while stepping back.

“Not a chance of that happening.” Joe responded, running up the stairs.

That night at supper, Joe decided to fill his brothers in on his decision. “Well older brothers, you’re not going to have Joe Cartwright to kick around for much longer.”

“What ‘cha mean.” Hoss looked up from his plate. “You goin’ some place?”

“Sorta. I’m gonna ask Rebecca’s Pa if I can marry her.” Joe said with a real big grin.

“Boy howdy, is that just the greatest news?!” Hoss exclaimed. He got up and went around the table to his younger brother, pulled Joe out of his chair, picked him up and hugged him so tight Joe lost his breath.

“Geez, Hoss I can’t breathe.” Joe gasped.

“Sorry ‘bout that. I just got excited s’all.” Hoss said, putting Joe down.

Ben had seen Adam was noticeably quiet after Joe’s announcement. Joe had not seemed to pick this up as he and Hoss left the dinner table so Joe could show Hoss the ring.

When Joe was out of sight, Ben asked, “What is it?”

“Joe’s awfully young to be getting married.” Adam pointed out. “And how does he know this is what he really wants six months from now? He changes his mind all the time.” Adam loved his youngest brother very much, but in many ways they were polar opposites. Adam tended to feel that Joe was in need of a lot of maturing.

“Adam, I believe Joe’s honestly and truly in love. Haven’t you noticed the changes in him. I can see it’s really love.” Ben replied.

“Don’t get me wrong. I know Joe’s in love right now, but I don’t want him hurt, and I don’t want him to ruin his life.” Adam said.

“Son, I don’t want that either, you know that, but I think this is a good thing for Joseph, and we need to support him. I’m asking you to support him as well.”

“Pa, I’ll do anything to help Joe and Rebecca make it. You know that. I just have some doubts, that’s all.”

“You know to hide them from Joseph well.” Ben cautioned.

“Don’t I know that!” Adam responded with a laugh.

********************

Joe had decided he would speak with Mr. Larson the following day. He wanted to get it over with, so he could actually ask Rebecca herself. He rode into town early to catch Mr. Larson at the bank. He was going to invite Mr. Larson to lunch and ask at that time. During his ride to town, Joe rehearsed what he would say. He did not look forward to this and found himself with knots in his stomach. He had been unable to eat breakfast that morning, but with the way he was feeling, he was glad he had not eaten.

Joe rode Cochise up to the front of the bank and dismounted. He brushed himself off and raked his hands through his hair before he went inside. He immediately saw Mr. Larson and was at that moment unsure if he was going to be sick. Mr. Larson saw Joe come into the bank and noticed he looked a bit green. Mr. Larson extended his hand to Joe and said, “Hey Joe, what brings you by? Got some banking to do?”

Joe shook his hand and spoke, “No uh, I was actually comin’ in to see you, Mr. Larson. I was wondering if you and I could have lunch together. I have something to talk to you about.”

John Larson realized why Joe looked so green. He recalled the time when he had asked his Maggie’s Pa for her hand. “Certainly, Joe. Let me get my coat, and we can go on over to the hotel.”

John laughed to himself thinking that they of course would love for Joe to marry Rebecca. Poor Joe looked like he was facing a firing squad at the moment, and seemed none too sure if he’d survive the asking for Rebecca’s hand.

They left the bank and headed for the hotel. Joe walked slowly, feeling the need all of a sudden to say just forget it, hop on his horse and go home. If he didn’t love Rebecca so much, he probably would have. Once inside the hotel, the two took a seat in the hotel dining room and Joe began to speak rapidly, wanting to get it over with. “Mr. Larson, I, uh, love your daughter very much, and I want to ask you if you and Mrs. Larson would let Rebecca marry me, and I’ve got everything all thought out of how I am gonna take care of her, and I have my job at the ranch, and it makes pretty good money, and I manage all of the horse contracts like the buying and selling and stuff, and my Pa has given me some land, and I am gonna build a house on it, and Hoss and Adam and Pa are gonna help me, and...”

“Whoa, slow down.” John had found Joe’s quick recitation without a breath to be humorous, but certainly did not want to appear to be laughing at the young man. He smiled at Joe and said, “Joe you may marry my daughter. Don’t worry, we trust you’ll take fine care of her. I’ve always wanted a son, and I am pleased Rebecca chose you.”

With those words Joe relaxed and took a deep breath. “Mr. Larson, I promise you I’ll take good care of her.”

“Joe, I’m not worried at all. Now lets eat. I’m starved.”

Joe and Mr. Larson spent the rest of the meal discussing the Ponderosa and its operation, and Mr. Larson’s job at the bank. Joe felt that Mr. Larson was real nice to him and treated him like a man. He liked that.

On his ride back to the Ponderosa, Joe was feeling a great sense of relief. He was riding Cochise at a full gallop, enjoying the speed of the animal. He began wondering how he could ask Rebecca to marry him. He wanted it to be extra special, something they could always remember. But what could he do? This was going to take some thinking.

As Joe rode up to the main house, he looked over in the pasture where the horses he worked with every day stood, lazily grazing. He rode over to the fence and watched them for a moment. That’s when he thought of what he wanted to do. He would give her the beautiful palomino gelding he had worked with so hard. Rebecca already had a horse, but hers was quite docile, and Joe knew she wanted something more spirited. Joe laughed as he thought of Rebecca’s current horse. She had named the horse Cleopatra, Patty for short, after having read a story about the Egyptian queen. “Leave it to Rebecca to name her horse after a queen.” Joe thought.

While still atop Cochise, Joe maneuvered the paint pony around to open the gate to the pasture. He untied his rope from his saddle and easily lassoed the palomino. “Come on you,” Joe said to the horse, “We’ve gotta get you lookin’ your Sunday best.” With that, Joe lead the gelding to the barn and tied him in the stall next to Cochise. He bedded down Cochise and went into the house for supper. He was anxious to share with his Pa how it had gone with Mr. Larson, but he wasn’t keen on the idea of talking in front of Hoss and Adam.

“Joe, is that you?’ Ben called from his desk.

“Yeah, Pa it’s me.” Joe said, walking over to his father’s desk.

“Well son, how’d it go?” Ben knew Joe wouldn’t have any problem with John, but he knew his son would have been nervous none the less.

“Uh, where’s Hoss and Adam?” Joe wanted to make sure they were alone.

“They’ll be a long a little later.”

“Oh, well then, um, it went fine...It went good... Pa it went great!” Joe exclaimed, unable to keep his happiness from exploding.

“I’m so glad for you son.” Ben relished seeing Joe so happy.

“Pa, would you have a problem with me givin’ Rebecca that palomino gelding I’ve been workin’ on?”

“Son, that’s your horse to do with as you please. I know you’ve spent a lot of time with him. That would be a mighty nice gift to give her, Joe.”

“Pa, I want to do it right.” Joe was beaming. I want to propose to her in a way she will remember. She needed a new horse, and the palomino is perfect.”

“Joe, she loves you. You’ll do it just fine. Relax and enjoy yourself.” Ben saw himself in Joe at that moment, something, although rare, was something he treasured. He had felt the same way as his son with each of his wives.

“I think I’ll ask her at the dance this weekend... Pa?” Joe asked rather timidly.

“What is it? “

“Pa, you’ve been so good to me. I want to be as good to my own children as you have be to me.” Joe said, starting to get choked up.

“So, Joe, you’ve already got me bein’ a grandfather.” Ben asked laughing, but very touched.

“Well, not right away maybe, but yeah I think you’re probably gonna have to endure a grandchild or two.”

“Son, it’s a father’s place to endure. You’ll find that out.” Ben said lightheartedly.

Joe left to go upstairs, and Ben continued to smile. Ben was so happy for Joseph and he wished at that moment Marie was there. He spoke aloud to her, “Marie, our son is getting married. You’d like Rebecca. In a lot of ways she reminds me of you. He’s growing up so quickly. I remember when you were here and he was so small. Has that much time really passed since you left us? I miss you Marie, especially at times like this.”

******************

Joe worked quickly through his Saturday chores. He had been assigned to round up strays in the lower meadow. While working, Joe thought about the life he was going to have with Rebecca. He was also excited to begin work on their house. He had a good idea of how he wanted it to look and was going to be talking to Adam soon to help with the design. He was lost in thought when he was brought back by the sounds of a calf in distress. He quickly rode to the calf and hopped off of Cochise. The animal was stranded in a bog, and Joe worked hard to get it free. Eventually the calf was released from its bondage, but not without pulling Joe along with it. He lost his balance falling hard on his knees. He swore softly and returned to his feet. He wiped off his knees and remounted his horse. He finished rounding up the strays in his assigned area and headed for the barn.

He rode into the barn and dismounted Cochise. He looked over to the palomino. “You’ve got a big night tonight.” Joe started brushing the gelding and talking softly to it. He had traded Hoss a few chores so that Hoss would put shoes on the horse. He also had worked on the animal’s coat until it shined, making sure that every hair was in place. “Well you,” Joe began as he took the horse’s head in his hands and looked the animal in the eye. “You treat her right, and you’re gonna have a very good life indeed.”

Joe spent a long time getting dressed for the evening. He wanted to make sure he looked good for his future bride. He had gotten a haircut earlier that week, for once not because of his father’s urging. Rebecca had told him she liked his hair cut short, and that was all he needed to motivate him to keep his hair short. Joe pulled out the ring he was going to give her on their wedding day, looked at it and smiled. Soon she would be his, and he would make her so very happy. Joe didn’t hear the knock at the door, nor his father’s entrance. He turned around to see his father watching him.

“Oh hey, Pa. I didn’t hear you come in.” Joe said to his father.

Ben had been standing watching Joe. He knew how his son must be feeling and was finding himself enjoying the courtship and engagement of his youngest. “Son, you about ready?”

“Yeah, guess so.” Joe said taking one more glance in the mirror and walked out the door.

All four Cartrights were headed into town. The dance that evening was the annual charity dance raising money for the widows and orphans and was somewhat the social event of the season. Joe rode Cochise and tied the gelding behind him. He traveled slower than his usual pace, because he did not wish to have the gelding lathered before he reached town. His Pa, Adam, and Hoss understood this and held their mounts back as well. They talked lightheartedly as they rode.

“Joe, you know there will be mourning all over Virginia City after tonight.” Adam said.

“What’d ya mean?”

“All the gals are gonna be crying on their pillows when they find out that Joe Cartwright’s no longer eligible.”

“And there are gonna be a lot of ma’s and pa’s who breath a big sigh of relief that Romeo here isn’t sniffing ‘round their herd.” Hoss added.

“Fellas, if you think you have a chance of gettin’ to me tonight, you are sadly mistaken.” Joe spoke to both of them. “I have shown you the most noble of brotherly love by getting engaged to Rebecca. You see, I have willingly taken myself out of the competition. A competition, may I remind you, I would win against you two sorry lookin’ strays any day of the week.”

Once they arrived at the dance, Joe broke away from his family to go to Rebecca’s house. He had tied Cochise to a hitching post at the dance and walked the palomino alongside him. When he reached the Larson’s he walked the horse inside their barn, then went to their front door, and knocked. Mr. Larson promptly answered it. ‘Good evening, Little Joe. Come on in.”

Joe removed his hat and entered the warm and friendly parlor. At that time, Mrs. Larson came around the corner from the other room. “Good evening, Joe. How are you?”

“Oh I’m doin’ just fine.” He answered with a smile.

“Mr. Larson told me about the lunch you two had earlier this week, and I am so pleased. “ Mrs. Larson returned Joe’s smile.

“Mr. And Mrs. Larson, I love Rebecca so much, and I’m gonna make her very happy.”

“Joe, like I told you earlier, we’re not worried at all.” Mr. Larson said, just as Rebecca descended the stairs.

“Not worried about what?” Rebecca asked as she entered.

Joe looked and saw the most stunning woman he had ever seen, and he felt very warm all of a sudden. She had on a flowing dress, and her hair was fixed the same way she had it the first day he kissed her. She moved effortlessly toward him. Joe could not say anything.

“Nothing Rebecca.” Mr. Larson answered her.

“Umph” Rebecca responded, not liking it that she was not in on what they were talking about. She would ask Joe when they were alone.

“Now you two get going. Were planning to attend the dance as well, but as usual Mrs. Larson’s running behind.” Mr. Larson moved them to the door. He knew Joe was proposing to Rebecca tonight, and he was wanting to help out the young man. Mrs. Larson wasn’t really running late, it was an excuse to give the young couple some time.

Joe waited until they were outside to speak to her. “Rebecca, you look so beautiful tonight. I’ve never seen a woman lookin’ as fine as you do.”

“Thank you Joe. You look so handsome.” She said looking into his eyes.

He took her hand and lead her over to the barn. Joe had wanted to talk to her before they went to the dance. He had carefully rehearsed how he wanted things to go.

“Where are you going, and what were you and Pa talking about?” she asked confused.

“I swear you are the nosiest woman.” Joe teased.

“Come on Joe. Tell me.”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” He answered steering her to a bench located outside the barn door. He motioned for her to sit down, and he sat beside her.

Now Rebecca was very confused. “Are we gonna go to the dance?”

“Will you quit.” Joe said good naturally. “I want to talk to you a minute.”

“Oh, you should have told me.” Rebecca answered, thinking that Joe was wanting to kiss for a little while.

The moon was full above them, and the temperature was pleasant. Joe thought he could not have asked for a better evening for what he was going to do. “Rebecca, I love you very much.” Joe said while taking both her hands in his. He looked deep into her eyes and smiled.

“I love you too.” She said.

He moved in front of her and got down on one knee. He felt the pain of having fallen earlier in the day and flinched a little. She looked at him kneeling before her and her heart soared. She had been unaware of Joe’s talks with his Pa and hers, and had no idea what Joe had planned.

“Rebecca, I’ve been so happy these last months, and I know it’s because of you, and how I feel when I’m with you. I never thought I could talk as openly with a woman as I do with you, and you can make me smile at just about anything. You’re also the most beautiful, most desirable woman, I’ve ever laid eyes on. Rebecca Larson, would you do me the greatest pleasure in the world and marry me? I plan to take the very best care of you.” Joe began to feel choked up.

She started to cry and shook her head. She finally found her words and said, “Joe, I’ll marry you tonight.”

Her response filled him with happiness. He had not doubted she would say yes, but having the words pass between them made it official. She was going to marry him! He was going to be able to spend the rest of his life loving her. “Well I don’t think we have to hurry that quick. I want to do it right, and give you the wedding you’ve wanted. But, mind you, I’m not going to wait very long. Come on, there’s something I want you to have.” Joe said, attempting to stand. His knees were sore enough to make standing difficult. “Uh Bec, could you help me stand up.”

“You’re not get all old and frail on me are you?” She laughed, helping him up. “What’d you do to yourself now?”

“Awe, it’s nothin’. A calf wasn’t very grateful for my help.” Joe struggled to his feet, thinking that this part wasn’t in his smooth, well thought out plan. After having stood, he remained holding Rebecca’s hands and lead her into the barn. It was dark inside, so he paused to light a lantern. As the barn became illuminated, Rebecca saw the palomino standing before her.

“Rebecca, no wife of mine can be without the best looking horse in Virginia City. He’s got the Ponderosa brand on him so everyone will know you’re one of us Cartwrights. He’s yours.” Joe said, presenting her with the rope from the horse’s halter.

“For me?” She asked, unable to believe he was giving her the fine animal. She began stroking the horse’s head. “Joe, he’s beautiful. What’s his name.”

“I haven’t really named him. He was one my Pa got from a breeding ranch outside Placerville a little while ago. I’ve been calling him ‘hey you’ for the most part. I think it’s up to you to give him a real name, I guess.”

“Hum, I don’t think ‘hey you’ really fits him, so lets see...ah ha, I’ve got it. How ‘bout Marc Antony.”

“Marc Antony? What kinda name is that for a horse?” Joe asked not getting the connection to her other horse Cleopatra.

“I know you didn’t pay attention for most of school, but don’t you remember the story? Cleopatra and Marc Antony were lovers.”

“Oh yeah, but it still sounds a little peculiar for horse. Sometimes I think you’d be better off with Adam with all the stuff you read and remember.”

“Adam’s too old for me, and I think he’d have a problem with me sneakin’ off to be with his little brother all of the time.” She reached out to him and hugged him tight. They began to kiss. He quickly became conscious of the need for them to stop. He was unaware of the fact that her level of desire matched his. He pulled away from her.

“Uh, we’d better get to that dance before my Pa and your Pa hire a posse to look for us.” He said, trying to calm the electricity between them.

“If we have to.” She said, a little disappointed.

Joe walked Rebecca to the dance and paused before they went in. He had to kiss her just once more time before their privacy was lost for the evening. After they kissed, they entered the dance.

Ben had been watching the door since Joe had headed over to the Larson’s and saw his son enter. Joe had a look on his face Ben had never seen before. His son looked to be content, happy, and complete. He had walked into the dance holding Rebecca close to his side. Closer than what was probably socially acceptable, Ben thought, but Ben was not about to interrupt his son’s evening. He watched Joe move Rebecca onto the dance floor and saw them attending to each other as if there was no one else in the room. Ben assumed that Joe had proposed, and he knew what Rebecca’s response was, given how she looked into his son’s eyes. Ben glanced over at the door and saw the Larson’s enter. John and Maggie scanned the room quickly and saw Joe and Rebecca dancing. A big smile came across their faces. Ben made his way over to his friends who would soon be his son’s in-laws.

“John. Maggie. How are you this evening?” Ben said, extending his hand.

The men shook hands, and all three looked towards their children dancing. “They look so happy.” Maggie commented.

“That they do.” Ben answered. “Would you two mind if I offered the Ponderosa for their engagement party. I’d like to give them a big shin-dig to celebrate.”

“Ben, that is very generous. Thank you.” John was so thrilled his daughter had chosen such a good family to join.

“We could announce it tonight if it is okay with the two of them.” Ben nodded toward the young lovers. “Let me try and pry my son away from Rebecca, and I’ll talk to him a minute.”

John had an idea. “Here Ben, let me cut in on Joe and dance with my beautiful daughter, and you can talk to Joe.”

John walked over to where Joe was dancing with Rebecca and said, “S’cuse me Joe, but may I dance with my daughter.”

“Mr. Larson, if you were anyone else but her father I’d have to say no, but since you are, I’ll let you cut in.” Joe let go of Rebecca, but it was obvious it wasn’t what he wanted.

“Don’t worry, Joe. I’ll give her back.” Mr. Larson said, spinning his daughter into the throng of dancers.

Joe walked over to the punch to take a break when his father approached. “Joseph, it looks as if you got the answer you were looking for.” Ben said, putting his arm around his son.

“Sure did, Pa.” Joe said smiling and looking at Rebecca dancing with her father. Ben noticed Joe’s smile shown through his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking Joe. I think we should announce this officially and have a party at the Ponderosa to celebrate. It’s been a while since Hop Sing has been overwhelmed with a party, and we need to keep him on his toes, you know.” Ben joked.

As Joe answered his father, his eyes never left Rebecca. “Really, Pa. I’d like that, and I know Rebecca would love it. I think she kinda wants to put some young ladies in their place, and I’d love to show her off.” Joe was referring to some of the girls Rebecca had grown up with. During school, Rebecca was judged harshly by some of the more proper young ladies. She had been a tom-boy, preferring to climb trees to playing with dolls. Joe wanted to show those girls that Rebecca was the most beautiful and desirable woman he knew of.

“Then it’s decided. We’ll make the announcement tonight.” Ben patted Joe’s back. It was apparent that Joe was ready to return to Rebecca. “Joe, she sure is a beautiful girl.” Ben noted Joe’s look towards his future bride.

“She sure is, Pa...Well that’s the whole song, so I’m gonna cut back in.” Joe said setting the punch glass back down without looking down and walked away. It was obvious to Ben his son only attended to one person in the room and it was not him. He laughed and thought to himself, “Marie, I hope you can see this.”

Joe and Rebecca continued to dance until the music abruptly stopped. They looked towards the band and saw their parents standing there. Ben began, “Sorry to interrupt folks, but we’ve got a bit of an announcement. Mr. Larson...”

John Larson stepped forward. “Me and my wife Maggie are pleased to announce our daughter Rebecca is officially engaged to Mr. Joseph Cartwright.”

With the announcement Joe and Rebecca looked at each other, and he winked at her.

Ben picked up where John left off. “In honor of my son and his lovely fiancee, I wish to extended an invitation to everyone here to join us at the Ponderosa for the biggest and best engagement party Virginia City has ever seen, next Saturday at seven o’clock... Now everyone, back to dancing.” And with that the band began again.

Joe and Rebecca spent the rest of the evening talking with people who came up to them congratulating the happy couple. Joe wanted so desperately to be alone with her, but he saw how she was enjoying the attention. That made the people who intruded tolerable for him.

Adam and Hoss found their father and moved over to talk with him. Both brothers had notice how Joe had been so focused on Rebecca and how happy he seemed. Adam was the first to speak. “Pa, I’ve had my doubts about little brother there, but he sure does seem to be smitten. Do you think he’s noticed anyone else tonight?”

“Pa, that’s really good what you’re doin’ about the party. I know Joe is a changed man since that Miss Rebecca put her brand on him.” Hoss added.

“Boys, your brother there is experiencing something I want for all three of you. That is what it is to be truly in love.” Ben said, looking at his youngest as he spoke.

“It sure does look like a wonderful way to feel.” Hoss commented.

The evening passed too quickly for Joe and Rebecca. He walked her to the door of her house trying to drag the evening out as much as he could. “Rebecca, I don’t want to leave you tonight. I love you and want us to be together from now on. It’s gonna be really hard to wait. I want to take you away right now and start our new life.”

“Joe if I knew my Pa and your Pa wouldn’t be so upset, I’d go with you.”

He kissed her softly and tore himself away. “I gotta go. Pa, Hoss and Adam are waiting for me, and I’d better hurry up. Oh, I’ll help you take Marc Antony out and work him some. It’ll give me a reason to come by.”

“I’ll be here waiting, Joe. Have sweet dreams.”

“Oh, I know I will.” Joe said, watching her go into her house. Joe reminded himself it was not going to be her house much longer.

*************************

The Ponderosa was prepared for the party. The main house had been thoroughly cleaned, it’s furniture and silver polished till they shown. The yard was cleaned and organized and nothing remained out of place. When Ben had approached Hop Sing about Joe’s engagement party, Hop Sing became very excited. Hop Sing saw Joe as his own son, not that he’d share that with Mr. Ben. He remembered having a tiny Mr. Joe in his kitchen licking spoons covered with cookie dough and pitching fits at being washed up in the kitchen. He felt he understood the young man, sometimes more so than his father did. Hop Sing had studied the young man often and had the luxury of being more objective than the boy’s father. He had known Mr. Joe had been deeply damaged by Mrs. Cartwright’s death. He saw how hard the boy hung on to people, and how hard it was for him to let go. He knew the boy was passionate before Mrs. Cartwright’s death, but after he lost his mother, the passion increased, and he saw Mr. Joe as holding onto life and people harder than most. This had allowed Mr. Joe to survive situations where others may have lost their lives, but Hop Sing worried what would happen to Mr. Joe if he lost someone he desperately clung to. He prayed they would never see that day.

Joe spent the week working at his usual jobs and going into town at every opportunity. He spent the time in town helping Rebecca and her new horse become aquatinted. He knew she really needed little or no help in riding because Rebecca was quite good, but it allowed him to spend time with her, and that was all he really cared about.

On one of his trips to town, Joe ran into Richard and David, and they agreed to meet at the Bucket of Blood for a beer after Joe had finished helping Rebecca. Joe walked into the saloon and looked around for his friends. He saw them standing at the bar watching a card game in progress. Joe walked up to them and ordered a beer from the bartender.

“Hey there stranger. You still remembering your old friends?” Richard asked jokingly.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that there’s a lot to do on the ranch right now, and I’m tryin’ to help Rebecca with the new horse and everything.” Joe attempted to explain.

“No Joe, it’s ‘cause you’re in love.” David was very happy for his friend. He had noticed that Rebecca and Joe were good together long before Joe noticed it. Although David had admitted to having a crush on Rebecca, he knew it was something not meant to be. He had noticed that Rebecca tended to have a calming effect on Joe and it kept him out of trouble. David did have to admit to himself, though, that since Rebecca and Joe had started courting, he felt a little lonesome. He thought that after the two were married and got over the infatuation part there would be more time in their lives for him and Richard.

“Well that too, I guess.” Joe said, smiling. “Let’s go sit down.”

David, Richard, and Joe sat and caught up with each other. They had truly missed talking to each other, and Joe reminded himself to do this more often. Joe filled them in on the plans for the house he was going to build, and they quickly offered to help. While they talked, they were interrupted by one of the saloon girls.

“Little Joe we haven’t seen you in here since you busted up the place a long while back. Where you been hiding yourself?” The woman said taking off Joe’s hat and running her hands through his hair.

“Miss Millie. I wouldn’t be doin’ that if I were you. Joe’s intended may come over here and scratch your eyes out.” Richard warned.

“Little Joe Cartwright, you’re gettin’ married? You’ll have to come by and see me before you walk down the aisle.” She said seductively.

“Na, Miss Millie, thanks for the offer but it wouldn’t be you Rebecca’d go after, it be me, and she is too good a shot for me to risk it.” Joe joked. Seriously though, the thought of being with another woman was the furthest thing from Joe’s mind.

“She’d never have to know.” Millie continued the pursuit.

“Ma’am, she has a way of findin’ out all sorts of stuff she should never know.” Joe had teased Rebecca throughout their friendship and courting that she was too nosy for her own good. Rebecca was a young woman who had a lot of questions and did not mind asking them. It had become a way of flirting after they started dating, and Joe found it cute. He also wasn’t about to have any secrets between himself and his future wife.

“Well Joe, you think about it and come see me.” Millie said, walking off.

“She’s a persistent one isn’t she.” Richard commented, shaking his head.

The three enjoyed another beer, and then Joe left to go home. It felt good to catch up with the guys. He felt a bit guilty for not spending as much time lately with them and vowed he would make more time. Rebecca had talked to Joe about helping David and Richard find the right girls to settle down with, but Joe was not about to attempt to play match maker. He didn’t think he would be very good at picking out girls for his friends. He would leave the picking to Rebecca, he thought.

******************

The night of the party quickly approached, and soon it was Saturday. The weather had been beautiful until around two that afternoon, and then clouds rolled in. The rain hit hard for the first few hours, but gradually backed off to a light drizzle. The advent of rain had made the day darker and upset Hop Sing as he worked frantically preparing for the evening. He believed in the superstitious element of the world, and found rain to be a bad sign on such a happy occasion.

Joe stayed busy working until the rains began. He would started clearing away the section of land where he wanted the house to be. He cursed the rain when it began, but gave up when he realized it was not going to let up for a while. He hopped on Cochise and headed for the house. He met up with Hoss on his way, and they rode together the remainder of the way. Once home, each stabled his own horse and headed for the house. Inside they realized they were alone except for Hop Sing.

“Pa and Adam must be held up in town or somethin’. I hope the rain stops, so they get here soon.” Hoss commented.

“Why ya want ‘em to get here soon, Hoss?” Joe asked.

“Oh so they can help get ready for the party. You’re lookin’ forward to it aren’t ya, Joe?”

“Uh, I really don’t care, except I get to see Rebecca. This night’s more for her.”

“Joe, you know I’ve been meaning to tell you, you really have changed. You used to not turn down a party, and you used to be impossible to do chores with. I think Rebecca has been really good for you. I do have to admit, though, Joe, I’ve missed talkin’ to you.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been so preoccupied. I’ve missed talkin to you too. You know I seem to be ignoring ‘bout everybody these day. What’s new with you, brother Hoss?”

Hoss and Joe spent a lot of time sitting in the living room catching up with each other. Hoss began to tell Joe about Mary Anne and how he was thinking of courting her. Joe encouraged Hoss, and gave him some pointers to help him. Hoss enjoyed talking to his younger brother, and Joe felt the same. The two brothers were very close and tended to confide more so in each other, than with their Pa or Adam. Hoss had a good relationship with his older brother Adam as well, and tended to be the go between for his two brothers, who did not get along as well. Joe viewed Adam as self righteous at times, and Adam viewed Joe as hot-headed. Hoss ended up as the mediator in many of the conflicts. It seemed to Hoss that both Joe and Adam could talk fine to him, but when they had to talk to each other there were always problems.

“Hoss there’s somethin’ I’ve been meanin’ to ask you, and now seems just as good a time as any. Would you be my best man?” Joe asked his older brother.

“Sure thing, Joe. You sure you don’t want Richard, or David, or maybe even Adam?”

“No Hoss, you’re the one I want standin’ up there with me.”

“Joe, I’ll be there.” Hoss was extremely touched by Joe’s request.

“Good. I’m countin’ on you to keep me straight that day ‘cause you know me. I’m sure I’ll do somethin’ to mess it up.”

“Don’t you worry a bit little brother. You got ol’ Hoss lookin’ after you.”

“That’s why I asked you.” Joe said patted his older brother affectionately on the back.

Ben and Adam made it back to the ranch shortly after Hoss and Joe had concluded their talk. They all went about preparing for the guests to arrive. Joe had asked Rebecca to try and get her folks to come a little early so he could see her before all of the people arrived. Unfortunately, Rebecca showed up the same time as the other guests arrived, so they had no time to themselves. The guests kept the young couple occupied by asking questions and talking over their own marital experiences. Throughout the night, Joe and Rebecca exchanged longing looks at each other. Towards the end of the party, Ben caught Rebecca alone and pulled her aside.

“Miss Rebecca, mind if I have a word with you?” Ben began.

“Certainly, Mr. Cartwright”

Ben lead Rebecca to a secluded corner trying to gain as much privacy as he could. “Rebecca, you and I haven’t had much time to talk since you and Joe started courting. I want to welcome you into our family, and thank you for loving my son so much. You saved his life, and now you’ve made him so happy. I have to tell you, I’ve always worried about Joseph because of his nature, but you have such a good effect on him. He is impulsive and sometimes wild, and you seem to know how to calm that in him. I’m so grateful for what you did for him after he was attacked, and now I am so lucky to be getting you as a daughter-in-law.”

“Mr. Cartwright,” Rebecca answered, “I know Joe is wild and impulsive, and that’s something I really love about him, but he’s also well grounded and was raised right. I think he’s a credit to you and how you raised him. I know he feels things very deeply, and although that worries me sometimes to see him hurting, I also know he works it out in the end. Your son is probably the most interesting person I’ve ever met ‘cause of the way he looks at the world. I’ll never stop being interested in him and his ways.”

In the conversation, Ben again reaffirmed to himself that Rebecca was indeed so very right for Joseph. He was relieved to hear that she knew how his son was and accepted it. He also knew she could help Joe channel and focus his impulses, perhaps better than Ben was able to do himself. Ben added, “ Rebecca, sometimes Joe is slow to ask for my help, or the help of his brothers. Please don’t hesitate to tell us if you or Joe need anything. We’re here to help you both. Don’t let his stubbornness have you doing without.”

“Mr. Cartwright, Joe’s stubborn, don’t I know that, but you know he really doesn’t mean it. He seems to just get afraid, and then he reacts.”

Ben smiled. They were going to be just fine.

The evening was not what Joe had wanted. He did enjoy watching Rebecca rubbing her engagement in the noses of the snobby girls who had hurt her in school, but he wasn’t up to sharing her with anyone. He spent his time talking to Richard, David and some of his other friends. Rebecca would come by him every so often, and he made it a point to smile, wink, or otherwise acknowledge her. At the end of the evening, Joe had his fill of social niceties and graces. He wanted a little time alone with his fiancee. He saw his opportunity when the Widow Perkins began talking to Rebecca. Joe knew that the Widow had actively pursued his father, and because of this, he knew the perfect distraction.

Joe walked up to the Widow and Rebecca and spoke. “Mrs. Perkins, my Pa’s been looking all over for you. He’s over there and wants to talk to you.” With that the Widow made a bee line for Ben.

“Joe, I thought you said your Pa was trying to avoid her?” Rebecca questioned.

“He is and he’ll forgive me, but I’ve gotta be alone with you for just a minute.”

“We can’t run off. There’re too many people here.” Rebecca reminded him.

“I know, but I don’t care about any of these people. I want to be with you right now.” He looked at her longingly.

“Joe behave yourself, and we’ll slip away sometime soon. I promise.”

“I’m not gonna pitch a fit ‘cause its you askin’, but I swear I’m gonna die if I don’t get to kiss you. “ He flirted.

“You won’t die, and it will do you good. It builds character.” She teased back.

“Oh then, if you only knew how much character I’ve built.” He answered.

Again they were interrupted by well-wishers. They were unable to steal away for any time alone, and Rebecca left with her parents along with the last guests. Joe thanked his father for his generosity with the party and turned in for the evening. He laid in bed looking at his mother’s wedding ring and fell asleep thinking that it would not be long now.

***************************

...Joe returned his thoughts to the meadow and Rebecca. He had a dreamy look on his face, and she asked him where he had been. He told her he had been thinking over the past six months and enjoying himself. Rebecca had been thinking about the same thing and felt so elated. Both believed they were the only ones who had ever felt the way they did, and no one would feel that way after them.

“Rebecca?” Joe asked seriously.

“Yeah Joe?”

“I want to stay this happy forever. You think we can do it?”

“I know we can.” She said, bending down to kiss him. They began to kiss softly and then more passionately. Joe pulled her down so she was laying beside him, all the while never ending their embrace. He moved from kissing her lips to kissing her face and neck. His hands began moving over her body. “I love you so much. You’re the most beautiful woman. Rebecca, I want to...” he stopped himself and pulled away from her.

“What is it? Finish your sentence.” She begged. She continued to hold onto him. Rebecca had thought a lot about making love to Joe. She knew it was what she wanted. She also knew it was what Joe had wanted for quite some time.

“No we’d better get goin.’” He said, starting to get up.

“No wait. What’s it Joe?”

“Never mind. We need to go.” Joe didn’t want to put her into a position which would leave her pressured. He knew he had to get away from her if he was going to contain himself.

Rebecca knew what he wanted to say, and she said it. “Joe I want you. I want us to be together, today. It’s okay. I want the same thing you do. I want you to make love to me.”

Joe sat back down and looked at her. “Rebecca are you sure? I don’t want you doin’ nothin’ you don’t want to do.”

“Oh Joe. I want to.” She said pulling on his shirt.

He turned and looked into her eyes. He felt this was the right thing to do and felt himself let go. He allowed himself to stop thinking of how to tie knots and to focus on how he felt about Rebecca. Joe began kissing her and was soon lost in their passion.

**************************

Afterwards, Joe lay holding Rebecca. Neither wanted to speak and end what had happened between them. Finally Joe knew he would have to be getting her home. He would be able to get her home on time, but he’d be late himself, and he’d be without the supplies he was supposed to have picked up. He would deal with the consequences later.

“Rebecca, you okay?” he asked, as he pulled her chin up so they were looking into each others eyes.

“Joe, I’m wonderful.” She said turning her head up to kiss him. “I’ll never forget this day.”

“Me either, but unfortunately we gotta get goin’ if you’re gonna get home in time.” Joe began to get dressed and watched as Rebecca put herself back together. Neither wanted to return home to their childhood. They both wanted to go a new place - their adulthood.

Joe escorted her to the buckboard. As they boarded, Rebecca said, Hey Joe, let me drive the horses back to town.”

“Bec, we don’t really have time.” He said, starting to lead the horses out.

“Now how am I gonna help with our place if I can’t drive two horses? Besides, I’ll deal with my mama. She knows you’re tryin’ to be all responsible and stuff. She’ll know I was the one to made us late. Please Joe, I wanna learn.”

“You know I can’t say no to you, but if your folks call off the wedding, and I have to kidnap you, it’s all your fault.” Joe said, stopping the team and beginning to trade places with her.

“Now show me what to do.” She said, taking the reins.

Joe put his arms around her and placed his hands on each of hers. He began to instruct Rebecca on giving the leads and pulling them back. He showed her how to attend to the lead horse and to keep that animal as the primary one she dealt with. Rebecca loved his arms around her and leaned against him. They rode together at a slow trot while Rebecca experimented with the reins.

“You’re doin’ good. “ Joe praised. “But here, do this.” Joe showed her how to use her fingers to move the reins. She tried it and was quite successful.

Rebecca was laughing and enjoying herself. She was catching on quick and was able to move them easily down the road. They were close to town.

“Okay you can open them up a little bit. Just don’t get carried away.” Joe said realizing Rebecca wanted more. He kept his hands on hers and began kissing her neck. He watched her drive the buckboard out of one eye. The horses began to pick up speed. They traveled along with Joe holding onto her hands, but with Rebecca in full control of the team.

There was not any way Rebecca could have corrected the buckboard quickly enough to dodge the oversized rock in the road. She was not experienced enough, and Joe was otherwise distracted. In her excitement, Rebecca had encouraged the horses to move faster. The animals ran quickly, pulling the buckboard over the unseen rock. The wagon rolled over the rock and began to tip. Joe had his arms around Rebecca and felt himself falling backwards. She began to move upward and away from him. It did not register in Joe’s mind what was happening to them. He was trying to hold her tight and she was pulling away from him. What was happening, and why was he feeling the loss of control? There was a sharp pain and then nothing but blackness.

As the buckboard tumbled, Joe was violent thrown from heaven.

LOST AND FOUND

Part Two: Damned

A state of condemnation to endless punishment

The wagon wheel spun quietly in the air. There was no noise other than the sound of birds singing and the rustle of leaves in the intermittent breeze. A horse, free of it's harness and rigging, grazed nearby. The early evening was beautiful, but the young lovers were unable to enjoy it. Slowly the sun went behind the hillside, and the birds quieted for the evening.

John and Maggie Larson became slightly concerned when six o'clock came and went and there was no sign of their daughter or Little Joe. By seven they were worried. John decided to go to the sheriff when the clock in the parlor struck eight. He was not sure what to think. In the entire time Joe and Rebecca had courted, Joe had never brought her home late. As a matter of fact, the young man usually made it a point to make sure they were back early. John knew there was something wrong, and his gut said it was bad.

At the Ponderosa, Ben failed to noticed Joe wasn't home when he entered the house around six. Hoss and Adam were in the great room discussing the need to move part of the herd to a larger water source. Ben listened to his boys and found himself feeling quite proud they could run the place so well. He quickly joined in the conversation and the work plans for the week were formed. Hop Sing appeared from the kitchen to notify them that supper was ready. It was then that Ben realized his youngest wasn't around. He told Hop Sing to hold the meal in hopes that Joe would materialize. The angry cook hurried back to his kitchen muttering in Cantonese. When time continued to pass, Ben assumed that Joe had perhaps stayed to eat at the Larson's, and he and his two oldest sons sat down to supper. Ben thought of scolding Joseph, but decided that his son was simply in love and enjoying being with Rebecca. He would let it go this time.

Hank, Cory, and Remo, all hands on the Ponderosa, decided to ride into town that evening to burn off a little steam. Being a new moon, they rode cautiously due to the darkness. Hank, the more senior ranch hand, was the first to notice there was something in the middle of the road, but in the darkness he could not make it out. As they approached, the form took shape. It was an overturned buckboard. The men pulled up their horses and dismounted. They quickly began to look for anyone who may have been injured. Hank walked around what would have been the front of the wagon and saw a horse lying dead. Although it was dark, he thought he recognized the rigging on the animal. He knelt down and felt for the animal's brand. It had the pinetree brand of the Ponderosa. This was a Ponderosa rig. He continued to move around and saw a body, laying on it's side, pinned under the wagon. He knelt down and felt a pulse, but was unable to make out the identity of the injured person.

"Cory, Remo, someone's here, and they're still alive." Hank yelled to his two friends. "He looks like he's hurt pretty bad. Come on and help me move this off of 'em."

The three men worked to unhitch the dead horse and move the buckboard. They found it difficult to move the wagon off of the person pinned below without the possibility of causing further injury. The process proved to be painfully slow. The injured man made no movement as the three worked together. In what seemed like an eternity, the wagon was finally removed, the man freed.

"Either of you got a match?" Hank asked. Remo quickly produced one from his vest pocket and handed it over. Hank knelt down and lit the match by the unconscious man's face. "Oh, my God!" he said under his breath. "It's Joe Cartwright. Cory, you ride into town We'll need a buckboard or wagon, some torches and uh, anything else you can think of. Remo, ride back to the main house. Get Mr. Cartwright out here."

The two followed the orders given. They were quite used to doing as Hank told them on the ranch, and this situation seemed no different. Both rode hard and fast to their destinations. Hank remained at the accident and began to attended to his boss's son who lay unconscious. Hank checked and rechecked to make sure Joe was breathing. He then felt over Joe's head and found warm, sticky fluid on his hands. Due to the darkness, Hank was unable to see the extent of the injury, but he knew what he felt was blood.

He thought he'd try and see if he could get Joe to wake. "Hey, Joe. It's me, Hank. Can you hear me?" There was no success.

Hank continued to check over Joe's body to see if there was anything he could do to help while he waited for the others to return. He felt over Joe's arms and found nothing unusual. He began to run his hand down Joe's right leg when he quickly pulled it back. He got a sick feeling in his stomach and knew Joe was indeed badly injured.

Cory had already reached town while Remo was only half way to the main house. Cory was riding quickly and almost ran into Sheriff Coffee and John Larson as he rounded a corner.

"Whoa, where you goin' so quick?" Roy questioned.

"Sheriff." Cory began, almost out of breath from the hard ride. "There's been an accident up the road. A buckboard flipped over. It's Joe Cartwright, sir. He's hurt, and I gotta go get a wagon or something to bring him in."

Upon hearing this, John quickly asked, "Joe Cartwright? Was my daughter with him?"

"We didn't see nobody else. The accident's straight out that road. Hank's still there with Joe." With that, Cory rode towards the livery stable.

John and Roy quickly rode in the direction where Cory had pointed. They too, saw a dark mass in the road as they approached. Roy called out, "Hank? Hank you here?"

"Over here, Roy." Hank called, recognizing the sheriff’s voice.

Both men ran to where Hank sat next to Joe. "How is he?" Roy asked.

"Uh...don't really know. I think it's bad though. His leg's real bad." Hank said, as he felt a new wave of sickness at the thought of what his hand had touched.

Have you seen my daughter?" John asked, beginning to feel desperate.

"I haven't seen anyone but Joe. Was someone else supposed to be here?"

John began to look around the wagon. He felt frustrated because the darkness was thick and impaired his vision. Roy searched with him. Their efforts were futile until Cory returned with the buckboard and some torches. Quickly lighting the torches, Roy and John were able to see much more. It was John who saw his daughter and ran to her calling her name. Rebecca lay to the side of the road like a discarded rag doll, her head turned unnaturally to the side. Her breathing had ended as soon as her body had hit the ground.

"Dear God, No!" John screamed. He picked up his lifeless daughter's body in his arms and held her close. "Not my baby girl! Rebecca!" John sobbed. Roy was quickly by John's side and stood feeling helpless as John rocked back and forth with his daughter. It was a motion John had done many times when Rebecca was a baby.

It took some time for Roy to convince John to let go of Rebecca and place her on the buckboard beside Joe. Hank and Cory had worked carefully to lift Joe onto the buckboard for the short ride to the doctor's office. As Hank drove the wagon, John sat in the back with his daughter and her fiancee. He held his daughter's hand and cried openly as he looked at the two still forms laying beside one another.

This was the last time the lovers would be together.

***********************

Remo arrived at the main house and began calling for Mr. Cartwright before he reached the door. Ben had been sitting by the fire enjoying his pipe and looking at a week old newspaper. Adam was rereading a book he often enjoyed, and Hoss was trying to entertain himself by rebraiding a pair of reins. All three men rose to the call from outside, and Adam was the first to the door. Opening it, he saw Remo standing there, getting ready to knock.

"Remo, what is it? What's wrong?" Adam asked, after seeing the concerned look on the ranch hand's face.

"Adam, Hoss, Mr. Cartwright, it's Joe. There's been a bad accident on the road into town. The buckboard's turned. Joe's been hurt." A look of fear crossed each man's face.

"Boy's quick, saddle up." Ben gave the order and there was no hesitation in his sons. Soon the Cartwright's began the long ride to town and to Joe. All three ran their horses as quickly as they dared. They came upon the accident, but there was no sign of people, only the mass of wagon and a dead horse. They continued into town to Doctor Martin's office.

Ben barely brought Buck to a stop before he was off the horse and headed into the office. Although it was the middle of the night, the office was brightly lit. He quickly pushed through the door and looked around the waiting area. No one was present, but he heard crying and voices in a room off to the side. Ben looked toward the voices. He was taken aback when he saw a body with a sheet over it. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. "No, please no, not Joseph!" he prayed.

Adam and Hoss followed closely behind and were stricken with the same sight as their father. At that moment, the people belonging to the voices emerged from the side room. Ben saw Maggie and John Larson standing before him, both had tears streaming down their face. Suddenly, Ben felt faint. He managed to get out only one word, "Whose...?"

"Ben, it's Rebecca." John said quickly, after seeing his friend go pale. "She's dead."

Ben walked quickly to his friends, and the three embraced. He continued to say over and over, "I'm so sorry."

"Ben, there's more." John spoke through his own pain. "Joe's hurt real bad. The Doc needs to see you right away. He asked that you let him know as soon as you got here. He's in there with Joe." John pointed to a room with a closed door next to the one where his daughter lay.

Ben immediately entered through the door to go to his son. He did not bother to close it, and Adam and Hoss followed behind. He saw his youngest son laying on the table and Doctor Martin with his back to the door working. The Doctor turned around and seemed relieved that Joe's family had arrived. "Ben, am I glad you’re here."

When the doctor moved, it gave Ben full view of his son. He saw Joe's right pant's leg had been cut away exposing a most gruesome sight. The thigh bone of his son's right leg was showing through the skin.

"Ben, Joe's leg's really bad. I need your permission to amputate." The doctor explained.

"What? Amputate?" Ben asked, unsure if he'd heard right.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. The bone has been exposed to the air, and the chance of infection is just too great to risk. Joe could easily develop gangrene, and it could kill him. The safest thing to do is to amputate."

Ben couldn't believe they were even talking of this. "There's no other way? You can't help him without taking his leg?"

"There's no other way that isn't risky to Joe's life. Ben, you know me, I am going to do what saves lives. I don't think you can afford the gamble."

Ben didn't know what to do. He could not think clearly. It was too overwhelming. The decision was full of risks. He was at a loss for an answer. "I've gotta think Paul. It would kill Joe if he couldn't walk, I know that."

"Pa, we can't risk Joe's life." Adam pointed out, concerned his father would even contemplate risking gangrene.

Hoss heard his brother's words and a cold shiver went through him. He looked at his little brother's face, still covered with blood. Hoss knew Adam was right, but he also knew Joe may not be able to live with that decision.

"Adam, Hoss, you two stay with your brother. I need to think." Ben said and walked out. Ben began to walk, and soon found himself at the church. He went inside, and sat in a back pew and began to pray. He needed guidance, and this was where he found it most. After praying for the right decision, he sat back and began to remember.

The first pictures which came to him were of a tiny Joseph holding his mother's hands and taking some of his first steps. Joe had begun to learn to walk while Ben was away from the ranch. Marie had welcomed her husband home by walking his youngest son to him. The memory made him smile. The next picture in his mind was of a six year old Little Joe running through the door, slamming it loudly and proudly announcing to his father he'd finally chased down a steer and put a rope around it. More pictures of his son's activities began to flood his memory: Joe on Cochise riding like the wind; Joe running from his brother's as they chased him after one of his practical jokes; Joe training a wild horse, putting it through its paces; Roy Coffee coming to Ben and telling him Joe was going to have to slow down when he rode through town; Joe and Rebecca dancing.

Rebecca... such a vital and beautiful girl. Such a blessing for Joseph. How was Ben going to be able to tell Joe? How was his son going to be able to handle this news and the pain? The fond memories of his active son left Ben's mind and all thoughts focused on the loss Joe was going to experience. Ben knew the pain of losing someone he loved only too well. He had prayed his sons would never experience that kind of pain, but here it was. Joseph, the child he felt was already the most emotionally vulnerable, was going to have to feel a pain that was greater than any other Ben had ever experienced. Ben wasn't sure how he himself had survived it and he had no idea how he could help his son get through it. Why had this happened? Rebecca dead? Joe could still die or be a cripple? How had things gone from so good to this? Why? It was then he realized that he could not let Joe lose everything. He could not let Paul take Joe's independence too. He felt he had his answer, and he returned to Dr. Martin's office.

"Paul, I've made my decision. I want you to try and save Joe's leg." Ben said with a determined look.

"This is just foolishness!" Paul exclaimed. "Ben you are risking his life. Do you not understand this?! I won't do it!"

Hoss and Adam had heard their father's decision and both were shocked. "Pa, Joe could die." Hoss said, his fear evident in his words. Hoss really wanted the doctor to be able to save Joe's leg. However, he was torn between what he knew could happen to Joe if the doctor didn't amputate, and what could happen to Joe if he did.

"Joseph is MY son, MINE!" Ben felt desperate. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to keep Joe from more loss, but he had to try. "I have made the decision, and I want you to carry out my wishes, end of discussion! Hoss, you and Adam both know your brother. I will not have him lose Rebecca and his leg too. That cannot be."

"Pa, that doesn't make any sense!" Adam couldn't believe what he was hearing. His father was speaking as if the outcome of this decision could be controlled.

"I have to do this! He won't survive if he loses both!" Ben tried to get them to see his point.

"Pa, that's crazy. You're not thinking straight. We can get him through it. Joe can still have a very good life." Adam attempted to get his father to listen to reason.

"Paul, surely you know of something that can be done. Something you can try." Ben was wanting to encourage the doctor to try and think of anything that may help Joseph.

"There has been some work in this area back east that I've read about in a journal, but it's insane to even risk it." Dr. Martin responded, still unable to accept Ben's decision.

"Can you do what they are doing back east?" Ben continued to push.

"I don't know. I don't have the experience. I cannot advise you to try something this foolhardy and risk Joe's life." Doctor Martin knew Ben was desperate with concern for his son. He also knew Joseph well and agreed with Ben that it would devastate the young man to be unable to walk. However, the physician in him told him the wise thing to do was to take the leg.

Ben had had enough. "Listen to me, and listen good. I have made my decision and it is final. Paul, you know me and you know I am a man who does as he says he will. If you do not follow my decision I will be forced to do something we both may regret. There has got to be some way of helping him and of keeping his leg. I will accept nothing else."

No one spoke as the four men looked at each other. It was a stand off, and Ben was determined to win. He looked at his son laying on the table and felt more certain his decision had to be followed.

It was Dr. Martin who broke the silence. "Okay Ben, I will do as you wish, but you need to know a few things. If, and that's a big if, I can save the leg AND Joe's life, he'll have an extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful recovery. Even then he may never walk without a limp. He may never be able to ride a horse. He may always be in pain. If he gets gangrene it can easily kill him. We won’t know for three or four days if he has developed the infection. Then, it may be too late."

Ben's eyes welled with tears. "I've got to give him the chance."

Adam and Hoss watched their father intently. They both feared for their brother and their father. Adam wondered if Ben could live with himself if this was the wrong decision, and they lost Joe. He thought his father was taking too big of a risk. He felt that Joe's being able to ride a horse or even walk wasn't worth the gamble. As a family they had lost too many people they loved, and Adam didn't know how much more they could take.

Hoss looked over at Joe. He wished it was him lying there, rather than his little brother. Hoss believed his strength would survive something like this, but Joe looked so young and small. Hoss began to pray harder than he ever had that Joe would be all right.

"Men, I'm going to need one of you to help set that bone. I'm going to need whoever does it to be the one that puts it back in place. Doing something like this requires a great deal more strength than I have, I'm afraid." Paul stated.

Without thinking twice, Hoss stated, "I'm the strongest of all of us. I want to do it."

"Son, are you sure? I can do it." Ben volunteered.

"No Pa. I'll do it. Paul, what do you want me to do?"

Paul instructed Hoss as to what he wanted him to do and asked Adam to hold Joe's shoulders. Although, Joe was unconscious, the doctor knew Hoss's strength, and he didn't want Joe moved anymore than necessary. Ben stood back watching the men get into place.

"Hoss, you and I are going to have to work together. We've got to make sure the bone goes back into place properly. When I count to three, I want you to pull back and push down at the same time. You need to do it slowly, so I can help guide where the bone is going." Paul instructed.

Paul noticed Hoss looked up at Joe's face, the concern showing. "Hoss, he can't feel it. I promise." Paul hoped this was indeed true.

Hoss continued to look at Joe's face and said quietly, "Sorry to do this to you, little buddy."

Paul moved next to Hoss so they were holding Joe's leg in the same area. "Okay Hoss. Ready? One...Two...Three."

Hoss did as instructed and felt the bone move back into place. He looked at Joe's face to see any reaction, but there was nothing. He locked eyes with Adam, who looked pale from what he had seen. Hoss looked down at his hands and saw blood. He felt queasy and walked quickly out of the room. He went outside and was ill.

Paul continued to feel Joe's leg to determine if the bone was in place. He noticed there was a great deal of blood coming from the wound. Calmly he said to Ben and Adam, "Okay, I need you both to leave now. One of you go and fetch my nurse, Jenny. Tell her I need her in here to assist me. I've gotta stop the bleeding."

Paul didn't look up from working on Joe, and Adam saw him grab a scalpel as they left and entered the waiting room.

"Pa, I'll get Jenny." Adam said and walked away just as Hoss reentered the waiting area.

"Thank you, Adam." Ben said, his shoulders slumping. "Hoss, you okay?"

"Yeah, it just got to me, I guess."

Ben knew what his son meant. He had watched what Hoss had done and had himself felt ill.

"Pa, what's goin' on? Why did you and Adam come out here?" Hoss said feeling alarmed again.

Son, Joe's leg has started to bleed pretty bad. Paul needs to sew it up."

"Was I too rough? I must have hurt him." Hoss was alarmed now.

"No, don't even think that son. You helped give Joe the only chance he really has." Ben put his arm around his son and patted his back. "Thank you for what you did."

Adam returned with Jenny, and she quickly disappeared into the room where the doctor was working.

"Pa, how is he?" Adam asked.

"Don't know yet. We're still waiting." Ben answered. He soon noticed John and Maggie had remained in the waiting room. They were holding each other and talking quietly. "John, Maggie, you two look exhausted. I can help take care of the arrangements for Rebecca if you'd like. Looks like we're going to be here a while."

"You look just as tired as us, and you've got Joe to worry about." Maggie pointed out. "We want to stay here with Rebecca till we can get her, um...where she needs to be." Maggie was crying again. "We want to stay here for Joe as well. How's he doing?"

Ben filled them in on Joe and his decision. As he talked, Ben realized the depths of his fatigue. He looked at his pocket watch and noted the time was three in the morning. He knew there would be no peaceful rest for a while; the nightmare was just beginning.

At three-thirty, Dr. Martin emerged from the room where he had worked on Joe. "Ben, I've done what I can do. The rest is up to Joe and God. He's still unconscious which concerns me greatly. There are some broken ribs and his shoulder is banged up pretty bad. He's covered in bruising, but I don't believe there are internal injuries. At least he's not having symptoms right now. From the looks of him, I'd say the majority of the wagon's impact was on the leg."

"Paul, thank you. I know you are going against what you feel is right. I have to do what I feel is right, and so, I uh, got a little carried away in there. I'm sorry for that." Ben apologized.

"I know that.” Paul said to his friend. It's because you love your son."

"Can I see him?" Ben asked.

"I think that would be good for both of you."

Ben needed no further encouragement and moved quickly to his son's bedside. He was surprised to see that although Joe looked pale, it was difficult to tell that he had been in an accident just by looking at his face. It looked as if he were merely asleep. Ben patted his son's hand and spoke softly to him. "You're going to be fine, just fine, Joseph." Ben said trying to reassure himself. He made himself comfortable for the night in the chair next to his unconscious son.

**********************

The bright sunlight streamed through the doctor's office windows and morning came too quickly. Hoss and Adam had made themselves as comfortable as possible in the waiting room. Maggie and John had retreated to the room where their daughter lay. Ben was sleeping fitfully and easily woke when Dr. Martin entered the room.

"Sorry Ben, I wanted to take a look and see how he's doing." Dr. Martin explained as he pulled back the blankets to check Joe's leg.

Ben was up and on his feet immediately. He walked to where the doctor was working on Joe and watched. His son's leg was grossly swollen and horribly bruised. The doctor examined the incision and felt Joe's forehead. He sighed deeply.

"How does it look?" Ben asked, afraid of the answer.

There was a knock on the door as Adam and Hoss entered. "Pa, how is he?" Adam questioned.

"Paul was just going to tell me." Ben answered.

"He's got some infection, and his leg is much more swollen today. I'm not going to make a splint until that swelling goes down considerably. Although I am pleased that he does not have much weeping from the wound. It's good he's young and healthy, but I am concerned that he is still unconscious. He hit his head hard, but I was hoping he'd be coming out of it by now. The blood loss and the injury to the leg may have something to do with it. I just don't know." Dr. Martin reported.

"Is there anything we can do?" Ben was hopeful that there was something that could help.

"Just pray, Ben. That's all that is left. In the meantime, you three need to eat something and try and get some more rest. Joe's going to need you all healthy. I've got to help Maggie and John get Rebecca to the undertaker so I'll be gone for a little while." Paul said, leaving the room.

Paul's final statement had reminded the three men of the tragedy that had occurred the previous evening. Hoss was the first to speak. "Pa, how’re we gonna tell Joe about Rebecca? I'm 'fraid he's not gonna be able to handle it."

"I don't know son. I just don't know." Ben dreaded the time when he'd have to tell his son what had happened. He hoped he was wrong in his fear regarding Joe's reaction.

The day passed slowly as the family held vigil. Little conversation passed between the three men as they sat, each lost in his own thoughts. The doctor returned to the office and notified them that Rebecca's burial was to occur later that afternoon. Arranging for burials to occur quickly was the usual custom in the summertime, but this was faster than most. Maggie and John had decided they wanted to put their daughter to rest as soon as possible. They had wanted Joe to be able to attend, but the doctor had informed them this probably would be impossible any time in the near future, given Joe's condition. With that knowledge, they decided to bury her that day.

Ben knew he needed to attend the burial, not only to pay his own respects, but to be there for Joe. Ben was concerned how Joe would handle Rebecca being buried without being there, so he was going to make sure he could tell his son anything Joe needed to know. Ben had remembered burying his sons’ mothers, and although he didn’t care to think about it, he knew it was all part of the grief. Although Adam was not fond of burials at all, he volunteered to accompany his father.

Later that afternoon, Adam and Ben left the doctor's office to attend Rebecca's burial. Hoss stayed behind with Joe and promised his father he would send word if Joe's condition changed, and Ben was needed. As Hoss sat next to his younger brother, he started to notice Joe's face was showing a bit of a winch every few minutes. At first he'd thought the movement was in his imagination, but as he watched, Joe's face was definitely moving slightly. Hoss began to talk to Joe hoping it would help to bring him around.

“Hey Joe, you know you need to open those eyes of yours and wake up. You can’t be sleeping your whole life away. We’ve got things to do, and I’m missing out on Hop Sing’s cooking while you get your beauty rest. Now you listen to old Hoss and wake up.”

Hoss continued coaxing and talking to Joe. Hoss knew it was going to be very hard on his little brother to find out about Rebecca, but he’d vowed he’d do what was needed to get Joe through it. He wanted his brother to be okay again. Hoss felt he needed Joe just as much as he knew Joe needed him.

Joe lay in a fog where he could from time to time feel pain and hear voices. When he would try to move or cry out, it felt as if he was fighting against a strong current pushing him back down. Time and again he easily surrendered and move deeper into the fog.

**********************

The cemetery in Virginia City was just outside of town. Ben and Adam arrived just as the service started. There was a large turnout to pay their respects to the family. The crowd was comprised of many of the people who had attended Joe and Rebecca's engagement party just a few short weeks before. The atmosphere was solemn and tears were shed freely. Maggie was so overcome with grief that John had to hold her up while the preacher spoke.

During the service, Adam's mind kept returning to the times he had stood and watched two of his father's wives buried. He tried to distract himself from the thoughts, but they intruded nonetheless. The pictures in his mind were so vivid. The feelings so fresh. He wondered if it would ever get easier to think of the deaths of Marie and Inger without feeling as if it just happened.

Ben ran the gamut of emotions during the service. He thought over Joe's courtship with Rebecca. The two had been so perfectly matched. He felt himself getting angry when he thought of how wrong it was for this to have happened. The preacher's words came in and out of Ben's awareness as he continued to be lost in his own thoughts. Upon hearing the preacher talk about the love the Larson's had for their daughter, Ben looked over at them and saw the grief on their faces. He felt a twinge of guilt when he had the thought that he was relieved it was not his child being lowered into the ground. Ben also thought of the burials of his wives. He knew the pain he had suffered and the pain of his children. It was so hard to understand the “why” of all of this.

The service concluded and Ben remained momentarily frozen. He found it so odd that the burial was the end for the people not directly impacted by the death. They would go about their day and life without the death having bothered them. How different it was for the people who had loved the deceased. They would always be impacted by the loss.

Mourners approached the Larson’s offering their individual condolences. People also came up to Ben and Adam asking about Joe. Ben, always polite and courteous, answered them. Adam, wanting to be free of the people and the emotion wandered away to a more secluded spot to wait for his father.

Finally, it was only the two Cartwrights, and Maggie and John at the cemetery. Ben spoke first. “Maggie. John. I’m so sorry this has happened. I’m having such a difficult time understanding why this had to happen. I’m not real sure we’re ever going to get the answer.”

“Ben, your asking the same question I am.” John began. “It doesn’t seem right that Rebecca should be taken from us like this. She was so full of life. I just can’t believe it.”

There had been something that had not been addressed by the grieving parents that Ben felt had to be talked about. He needed to know if they felt Joseph was to blame in any way for the accident. He knew it would be easy for a parent to look for someone to blame and, he would not be surprised if that was how the Larson’s felt. Ben felt he needed to know for Joe. He wanted to be able to help his son if this were the case.

Ben was unsure how to approach the subject, but decided he just needed to ask. “John, Maggie, about the accident, I was wanting to know if you had any hard feelings towards Joseph?”

“My God, Ben. No.” John quickly answered. “Joe would never would’ve done anything to hurt Rebecca. It was an accident we know that.”

“I’ve grown so fond of your son, Ben.” Maggie said through her tears. “I would never blame him. Please don’t concern yourself at all.”

Ben felt relieved that the Larson’s were so loving of his son and understood that Joe would never hurt Rebecca intentionally. He said good bye to the Larson’s, collected Adam, and returned to the doctor’s office.

By the time Ben and Adam arrived at the doctor's office, Joe had begun to stir again. As he tried to travel through the fog he moved closer to a deep burning pain. It confused him because he was unable to determine what was hurting or where. Joe's struggle showed on his face, and his family noticed. Ben moved in closer to Joe and started to encourage his son to open his eyes. Joe heard the voice, but didn't know whose it was. He wasn't sure he wanted to do as the voice said. As he struggled to open his eyes, he also felt more pain. He decided he would not listen to the voice right now and fell back into the fog.

Afternoon turned to evening and the process of Joe's return to consciousness continued. Adam, Hoss and Ben sat in the room with Joe and talked to each other and to Joe as much as possible. Joe had to use all of his energy to move closer to wakening. His body was determined to wake, but his mind remained hesitant. His eyes flickered and then opened. He saw only white and blurred images as nothing was in focus.

Upon seeing Joe's eyes open, Ben attempted to help. "That's it Joe. Wake up. It's time to wake up, now."

Joe looked towards the voice he heard and saw his father. The image he saw did not completely register. He knew it was his father, but why was he there? What was going on? He began to feel the pain much stronger as it became quite intense. He reached for his leg and started to pull at the blankets. Ben grabbed his hand and spoke. "No Joe. Don't do that. You're okay, son."

Joe felt frustrated and quickly tired. Nothing made sense, and he needed to see why his leg was hurting so bad. His father was holding his hand and he wanted him to let go. He struggled briefly and then slipped away, back into the fog.

Ben watched his son fade away again and sat back to wait for Joe to come back. Dr. Martin entered the room to check on his patient.

"He still coming out of it?" Paul asked as he looked over at Joe.

"Yeah, he's opened his eyes, but didn't say anything. Paul how long can this go on?" Ben asked.

"Hard to tell It takes a while to shake it off. You just keep doing what you’re doing. Um, Ben, we need to talk about what you are going to tell him about, uh, how you are going to break the news to him. You know he needs to remain still and calm. I think you should try not to tell him unless he asks, and even then, try and put it off. His emotional state is important for his recovery." Paul said, as he felt Joe's forehead.

"His fever is increasing." Paul placed a cool rag on Joe’s forehead. He then pulled back the blankets and lifted the bandage on Joe's leg. He became concerned regarding the redness he saw. The wound was going to have to be cleaned out again. Paul picked up the alcohol and poured it onto the stitches.

Joe groaned as the alcohol burned. His eyes opened as he attempted to find out what was hurting him. He looked at the doctor and tried to understand what was happening. What had happened last? Everything was so fuzzy. He spoke quietly, "What happened?" The attempt to speak required a great amount of energy, and Joe was back unconscious before he could hear the answer.

Joe continued to wake with the same question and was unable to remain awake for the answer. There was one question they waited to hear, but Joe did not ask about Rebecca. He began to become more aware of his surroundings each time he came around. The pain eventually became a constant and unrelenting presence. It was this that eventually brought Joe completely around.

Joe moaned and opened his eyes. He looked at his father and brothers and saw them become more clear in his vision.

"Hey, welcome back, little buddy." Hoss said, smiling at his brother.

"Mmm...what...happened?" Joe asked his face showing the pain he was feeling.

Ben took over. "Joe, you were in any accident, but you’re gonna be fine, just fine."

"Accident?" He didn't remember an accident. He touched his head and felt the bandage. He hurt so bad. "What...accident?"

"Son, it's okay. You just need to rest and get better. There's time to talk later." Ben attempted to avoid his son's question.

"Why...does it hurt...so bad?" Joe continued to question.

"You broke your leg pretty bad. You need to be real still and quiet. You've got some broken ribs and hit to your head." Ben explained

Paul moved towards a medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle. He walked back over to his patient and spoke. "Joe, I'm going to give you something for the pain. I can't give you a whole lot right now, but this can take the edge off a bit. I bet you could use a glass of water too."

Joe didn't realize how thirsty he was until the doctor said something. Adam was immediately out the door to get his brother a drink. He had been quietly watching the events in the room. He was still thinking of the burial that afternoon and was becoming more uncomfortable with what he knew was going to happen as soon as Joe was told. At times the reason Adam and Joe clashed so badly was because of the intensity of Joe's emotions. The intensity made Adam uncomfortable. Joe being out of control and showing intense emotions made Adam want to run away. Adam was unsure if he could tolerate seeing his brother's emotional pain. It would remind him too much of his own.

Adam returned with the water and gave it to his little brother. "Go easy." He said as Joe tried to drink it too fast. Adam moved the hair off Joe's forehead and smiled at him. He wished Joe would stay in the state of not knowing Rebecca had died.

"That stuff starting to work yet? You feel any better?" Hoss asked, anxious to see his brother out of pain.

Joe shook his head no and Paul added, "It's a little soon, Hoss. Joe, we need to get some food into you soon."

Eating was the last thing on Joe's mind, and he made a face at the idea. He could only think of how bad he hurt, and the mention of food brought on nausea. Finally as he lay there he began to feel the lightheaded feeling the medicine brought. It dulled his headache and the pain in his ribs, but did very little to touch the pain in his leg.

"Well if I can't get you interested in eating, I do know you need peace and quiet. It's late everyone, and none of you got much sleep last night. You all need to get some rest. We don't need to be doing a lot of talking right now." Paul pointed out.

"Paul's right. Boys, why don't you go and get a room at the hotel and get some rest. I'm going to stay here with Joe." Ben had no intention of leaving the doctor's office.

"Pa, you need to get some sleep, too. Adam or I can stay here with Joe." Hoss volunteered. He had seen how tired his father was and knew if Ben stayed the night there he would not sleep.

"No, Hoss. I'm staying here. Go on now you two." With that, Hoss and Adam said goodnight to their Pa and Joe and left the room.

Before leaving himself, Paul gave instructions for Ben to periodically wake Joe during the night to help insure Joe would not fall back into unconsciousness and to replace the cool rag on Joe’s forehead once in a while. Finally, Ben and Joe were alone. Joe was feeling tired and not up to talking, so he lay quietly trying to manage the pain in his body. Ben was relieved that his son was not up to talking. He wanted Joe stronger before he had to tell him about Rebecca.

Eventually Ben began to doze. Joe lay with his eyes closed, but was unable to sleep. He laid in the dark trying to think of anything to distract him from his throbbing leg. He returned to trying to reconstruct the last memories he had before he woke up in Dr. Martin's office. He could recall the morning at the ranch and his volunteering to go to town for supplies. He had stopped at Rebecca's before picking up the supplies. They had gone on a ride together, ending up at their favorite place. They had laughed and talked. Then he remembered the wedding invitation. He thought of how beautiful Rebecca looked and how much he wanted her. His thoughts then went to what had finally occurred between them. He had made love to her. He focused on that time with her and how wonderful it had been. She had been as passionate as he had, and it left him wanting more. He didn't think he'd ever get enough of her.

That was where the memories ended for him. It was confusing. What had happened next? Where was Rebecca? He suddenly became anxious. What if his accident caused a delay in the wedding? He didn’t want that to happen, and he knew he would do whatever it took to get better quickly. His thoughts turned to the wedding and eventually he fell off to sleep.

Ben checked on Joe several times during the night. Joe would stir and mumble something, then Ben would settle back again to doze. Ben awoke in the morning with a cramp in his neck from having slept in the chair. He stood and stretched and then moved towards his sleeping son. Ben checked his son’s temperature and noted that Joe was still quite warm. He re-wet the rag and placed it on his son’s forehead. This made Joe wake.

“Good morning, Joe. How’re you doing?” Ben asked with concern.

Upon waking, the pain immediately hit hard. The medication the doctor had given Joe had long since worn off. He was very tired and wanted to continue to sleep, but once awake he knew it would be difficult to drift off again. “Um... I’m okay.” Joe managed to say.

It was hard for Ben to see Joe in such pain. He knew his decision had increased his son’s physical suffering. He prayed it would not result in a disaster. “Well, I don’t really believe that, but I think you’ll be okay soon.”

“Pa...my wedding...I gotta make it there.” Joe had dreamed of Rebecca, and his upcoming wedding naturally came to mind.

Ben diverted his eyes from his son. “Son, don’t worry about that right now. You just have to concentrate on getting better.”

It was so hard for Joe to talk, but he had questions he wanted answered. Like why Rebecca hadn’t come to see him yet. “Where’s Rebecca?” Joe questioned.

Ben’s heart skipped a beat. Joe had asked it, and Ben did not know what to say. “Son, you have to be quiet and rest now. We can talk later.”

“But...I need...to talk to her.” Joe tried to explain.

“Not now, Joseph. You don’t need to be talking at all. You need to have something to eat.” Ben was increasingly anxious.

Joe noticed his father’s anxiety, and it didn’t make sense. Joe didn’t want anything to eat. He wanted to talk to Rebecca. Why wasn’t his father answering him? Joe started to get the feeling that something was wrong. His father was avoiding his question. What was wrong with Rebecca?

"Pa...where's Rebecca? What’s wrong?" Joe asked again looking into his father's eyes. He saw his father's expression and Ben's eyes began to well with tears.

"Um, son..." Ben was having trouble forming the words.

A soft moan rose up from Joe as he realized what his father was going to tell him. "No Pa..."

"Joseph, I'm sorry, son. Rebecca's dead." Ben could no longer hold back the tears after seeing the look on his son's face.

Joe felt his father's words hit him like fists. He was just with her. He had made love to her, and they were going to soon be married. What his father was saying could not be true. Joe began to panic. His voice started softly, but increased in volume and emotion as he talked "No, Pa. No. It's not true. Don’t say that! YOU’RE WRONG! SHE'S OKAY, PA!" Joe was beginning to become hysterical. Tears were falling down his face, and he was beginning to move around in the bed.

"Joe, son, you've got to calm down. You can't be moving around."

"NO PA! NO! YOU'RE LYING TO ME! SHE'S NOT DEAD! SHE'S NOT! SHE'S MARRYING ME PA! SHE AND ME ARE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER!" Joe was screaming at his father.

"Joseph, it's okay son. You're going to be okay. It's all going to be okay." Ben was unsure how to comfort his son.

"NO! ITS NOT OKAY, PA! YOU’Re WRONG! BRING HER HERE, I WANT TO SEE HER!" Joe demanded.

"I can't bring her here, Joe. I'm sorry, son." His heart was breaking for his son.

"YOU HAVE TO! I WANT TO SEE HER! I HAVE TO SEE HER! I...”

"Joe..." Ben tried to speak.

“NO! DON’T SAY IT! I LOVE HER! I NEED HER! THIS CAN’T HAPPEN! YOU’VE GOTTA HELP ME!” Joe begged, grabbing a hold of his father arm.

Ben was having more and more difficulty trying to control Joe’s panic. “Son, you’ve got to stop. You’re hurting yourself.”

Joe had not felt any pain since he had realized what had happened to Rebecca. “I DON’T CARE IF I HURT MYSELF, PA! WHERE IS SHE?!”

“She’s been buried already, son.”

“BURIED, PA?!...” For a moment Joe stopped screaming as the news settled in. “I can’t see her?...I can’t hold her?”...Joe was now trying to get out of bed.

“No son, stop it now! You have to stay in bed.” Ben tried to stop his determined son.

Adam and Hoss had entered the doctor’s office just before Joe was told Rebecca was dead. They were speaking with Paul, when Joe began to scream. Hoss closed his eyes. Joe sounded so pained and desperate. He looked over at Adam and could see he was having just as hard of a time. They both heard their father’s need for help, so it was a race through the door. When they entered, they saw Joe fighting against his father, who was trying to restrain him.

“Joe you can’t be doing this!” Ben continued to try and get his son under control.

Joe was inconsolable. He was crying uncontrollably and was pushing against his father. He didn’t know where he wanted to go, or even if he could move. He simply wanted to fight against the news he had heard.

“Adam, Hoss, I need your help.” Ben said noting the arrival of reinforcements. “Help me get him to lay down.”

“I DON’T WANT TO LAY DOWN! I WANT TO SEE REBECCA! SHE’S ALONE AND NEEDS ME!”

Adam gently began to push Joe back down.

“STOP IT ADAM!” Joe commanded.

Paul had been witness to the scene going on and realized Joe was not calming down. If anything, the more his father tried to help him, the more worked up he became. Paul went to his medicine cabinet and grabbed a sedative and a syringe. He prepared the shot, and then said, “Hoss hold his arm. I going to give him something to calm him down.”

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” Joe snapped back and continued to struggle. As Hoss grabbed Joe’s arm, Joe looked at him with desperation in his eyes.

Hoss held out Joe’s arm. Joe did not have much strength left, so it did not take much effort on Hoss’s part. Paul gave Joe the shot and then moved away from the struggling young man.

Joe’s movements slowed as the medication took effect. He stopped fighting and yelling. He put his arm over his eyes and simply cried. No one spoke as they watched Joe cry himself to sleep.

It was a while before anyone moved. Ben finally let out a sigh and moved over to the chair he had slept in the night before. He put his head in his hands and tried to pull himself together. Adam walked over and put his hand on his father’s shoulder. Hoss remained next to his younger brother watching a tear fall down Joe’s cheek.

It would be a long time before Joe cried again for his Rebecca.

****************************

Paul began to re-examined Joe’s leg. He was concerned that Joe’s movements from that morning had further injured his leg. He was also quite amazed that Joe could move like he did in such an extraordinary amount of pain. “Ben, he cannot be moving like that again. He just can’t. We’re already hoping for a miracle, and his leg’s not going to take much more.”

“I understand. What can we do?” Ben didn’t want Joe to be upset like that again either.

“It may be best to keep him sedated for a little while. It will help him with the pain and also keep him quiet. With the medicine it will seem to you all like he’s drunk.” Paul explained.

“Do what you have to do.” Ben responded.

Adam felt the need to get himself and his father outside for a little while. He saw the strain was taking its toll on Ben and wanted to intercede. He decided to ask his father. “Pa, I think I’m going to take a walk. Why don’t you come?”

Ben shook his head. “No son. I’m staying here. Hoss why don’t you go. Both of you could stand a little fresh air.”

“Pa, you need to get out of here for a few minutes. We’ll come right back.” Adam persisted.

“I don’t want to.” Ben said firmly.

“Adam’s right. You get out of here for a few minutes and get some air. I’ll watch Joe.” Hoss pushed.

“Ben, they’re both right.” Paul agreed. “One difficult patient is all I need. Take a walk. It will do you good.”

Ben accepted he was out numbered and went out into the sunshine with his oldest son. They had begun walking with no particular destination in mind. Adam knew his father needed to talk, so he began the conversation. “Pa, I know this is hard for you. I can tell you are reliving a lot of things.”

Ben found it easy to talk to his eldest son. He had been through so much with Adam. They both had felt a lot of pain in losing the women in Ben’s life. “Yes, it seems it has all come back. I cannot help but think about your mother, and Hoss’s and Joe’s right now. This is just too close to what has happened before. How are you doing with it, son?”

“I’m okay, Pa. I just think that it’s going to be a very long time before things are back to normal.” Adam sighed.

“I just hope things can go back to normal.”

“You mean Joe, don’t you?”

“Uh huh. He’s going to have a rough go of it. He really loved her.” Ben said, shaking his head.

Soon, Roy Coffee appeared and approached Ben and Adam.

“Ben, Adam, how’s Little Joe?” Roy asked, his concern showing.

Ben thought over what they had just experienced with Joe and said, “Roy, he’s about as good as can be expected. He’s having a real hard time with Rebecca’s death.”

“I’d imagine. You tell him I’m thinking about him. Oh, by the way, I went out to the accident scene again to make up a report for the inquest, and there is something strange about it. Where Joe and Rebecca’s bodies ended up just doesn’t make sense to me.” Roy explained.

“What’s strange about it?” Adam asked.

“Well if Joe was running the horses with that buckboard, then he should have been by the brake. If that were so, then there was no way he could have ended up pinned under the wagon. It was the side with the brake that pitched over. He should have been thrown. What does Joe say about the accident?”

“Roy, he doesn’t remember it. He doesn’t even know it was a buckboard accident.” Ben answered.

“Hum...I told this to Maggie and John as well. From everything I can tell, it seems Rebecca was driving the buckboard. John didn’t think she knew how, but, he said knowing his daughter, he’s not surprised. Anyway, I wanted to let you know what I’d seen.”

“Thank you, Roy for your diligence.” Ben shook the sheriff’s hand, and he and Adam continued their walk. A walk that eventually returned them to the doctor’s office.

Around noon, Maggie Larson appeared at the doctor’s office with a basket. She knocked on the door to the room where the Cartwright’s had taken up temporary residence. She was quickly told to enter. When she opened the door she saw three very tired looking Cartwrights sitting around the room and Joe in bed asleep.

“Ben, boys, I brought you folks something to eat. My guess is you haven’t had much.” Maggie said.

Ben was amazed. Here was a woman who just buried her daughter the previous day, and she was bringing them food. “Maggie there was no need for you to do this.”

“Oh, Ben yes there was. I need to stay busy right now, and you folks need the help. There’s plenty here to help you out. I also brought some light soup for Joe if he can eat anything.” Maggie said, turning to look at Joe.

“The doctor had to sedate him earlier. He found out about...um...Rebecca.” Ben felt awkward saying this to Rebecca’s mother.

“He loves her so much. He has to be okay. We can’t lose both of them.” Maggie said, her eyes welling with tears.

“Maggie, this was very kind of you.” Ben said, wanting to change the subject. “Won’t you join us?”

“No, thank you. I just wanted to bring this to you and the boys.” She started to leave and then paused. “Ben, can we come and visit Joe some time? He’s been around so much the last six months. He makes me think of her.”

“By all means, Maggie. Please do that. I know he cares a lot for the two of you, as well.” Ben was touched by the request.

“Paul and I will come by later, then. You men eat up.” And with that Maggie left.

“Pa, they sure are good people.” Hoss commented.

“Yes they are.” Ben answered feeling sad at the thought that Joe would not be part of that family.

The three men ate lunch slowly. None of them had much of an appetite, even Hoss. Dr. Martin came in soon after and told them to try and wake Joe to get him to eat. Ben walked over to his youngest and tried to wake him. He was hesitant to do this because of what had happened that morning, but he knew they needed to get some food into Joe. “Joseph, son, wake up.”

Joe responded slowly. He had been sleeping hard and it was difficult to fight through the heaviness of the medication. His sleep had been dreamless and quiet. It had allowed Joe’s body to restore some of the depleted energy from his emotional explosion of that morning. Joe opened his eyes and they rolled around, unfocused for a few seconds. Emotionally he felt nothing, and the physical pain was dull and distant. His thoughts although muddled, were of Rebecca’s death.

“Son, I want you to eat something now.” Ben told Joe, propping him up with a few more pillows.

Joe looked at his father and did not speak. He submitted to his father’s wishes without resistance, and it was obvious to his family that he was heavily medicated. Ben began to spoon the soup into his son, and Joe ate without tasting anything. Joe looked over at Hoss who was watching him intently. Hoss smiled at him, but Joe’s expression didn’t change. He then looked at Adam, who also smiled. Rebecca was dead, Joe thought to himself. There was nothing to smile about. He wanted them to leave him alone, but did not bother to say anything. There was nothing to say. Didn’t they know he didn’t care about anything else?

Joe reached his fill of the soup and said, “No more.”

Ben tried to coax a little more. “Come on, Joe. Just a little more.”

Joe simply opened his mouth and kept eating. He didn’t want it, but he didn’t want to talk either. He thought the fight wasn’t worth it. He ate until his father decided Joe was finished, then Joe laid back, hoping to sleep.

Paul Martin entered the room again and walked over towards his patient. He felt Joe’s forehead and it remained warm to the touch. Paul pulled back the blankets to look at Joe’s leg. The leg looked swollen and red. Paul looked up at Joe who was looking at him. Joe then sat forward and looked down at his leg. He saw what was causing him so much pain. He then looked back at Paul.

“It’s bad?” Joe asked in slurred speech.

Paul wanted to keep Joe from panicking again. “You’re doing fine.”

Joe held his look with Paul and wished everyone would stop saying things were fine. It wasn’t fine. It wasn’t okay. He knew that and wished that they would stop lying to him. Joe eventually looked away from Paul and back down at his leg. What he saw told him he was hurt bad, but he didn’t care. He wanted to be dead. He wanted to be with Rebecca.

Joe’s family was watching him closely. Ben had concern in his face as he watched. Joe was starring at his leg and not speaking. “Son, the Doc is going to fix you up good as new. You have to be real still though, and do exactly as he says.”

“Okay.” Was what Joe said to his father, but he thought, “Good as new? Can he bring back Rebecca? If he can’t, then it’ll never be good again.”

Joe laid back and closed his eyes. He was tired and wanted to sleep. He didn’t care if he ever woke up.

**************************

The days passed slowly as Joe continued to run a fever and fight off the infection. He remained heavily sedated throughout the fight. The doctor kept a diligent watch and cleaned the leg wound at every opportunity. Joe was awakened to eat and would remain awake for a short period following eating, but spent the majority of the time asleep. He had begun to have dreams of Rebecca, and he welcomed them. He would fight waking, so as to not leave the dreams. Every time he woke, he felt the pain again of losing her. He so much wanted to stay in the dream forever.

Ben realized that he was going to have to stay in town for a while, but he also knew the ranch wasn’t going to run itself. He told Hoss and Adam to return home, but they were both reluctant. Ben ended up having to order them home. He promised he would send word to them if anything changed. Ben spent his days in the doctor’s office reading the newspaper, reading books, and playing the occasional game of checkers with whomever stopped by to visit.

Ben also spent a lot of his time thinking. Being with Joe made him remember how difficult losing Marie had been. All three of his boys had suffered during that time. He knew that each had a pain in them that touched each of them differently. Adam had retreated into his intellect, unwilling to risk being hurt emotionally. Hoss had gentled and became a nurturer. He used his size to protect, afraid to cause anyone or anything harm. Joseph had developed a need to hold on tight to people, and his emotions became more intense. Yes, each had been hurt over the loss in profound ways.

Ben thought over Joseph’s reaction to his mother’s death. Joe was five when his mother died and seemed to understand some of it, but it was also very apparent to Ben that the child had not understood why his mother was no longer with him. Ben remembered when this had been so evident to him.

At five, Joe was full of energy and high spirited. He tended to be all movement during the day and, although he would fight sleep, he would quickly fade at night. A habit the child had gotten into after his mother’s death was to crawl up in his father’s lap at the end of each day. Ben knew Joe was wanting extra attention and gave it to his youngest willingly.

The ritual would begin when Ben would light his pipe and start to look over the newspaper. Joe would push his way through the newspaper and climb into his father’s lap. He would then ask his father all sorts of questions, and Ben would do his best to answer them. One night, Joe asked questions Ben found very difficult to answer.

“Papa, where’s mama?” Joe innocently asked.

“Joe, remember we talked about that? She’s in Heaven.” Ben answered.

“But why, Papa? Why hasn’t she come home?”

“Joe, she’s not coming home, son.” The conversation was getting very hard for Ben.

But, I want her to. I miss her, lots. She’s been gone too long. Why don’t you go get her? Does she not want to come home? Is she mad at me, Papa?” Joe looked his at his father as if he knew everything in the world.

“Son, why would you think she’s mad at you?” Ben had not heard this from his son before.

“I didn’t do what she told me to sometimes. Mama told me to pick up my soldiers and I didn’t. Hop Sing did it, and she got mad at me. I was a bad boy.”

Joe’s words broke Ben’s heart. “No, no, Joseph. You were not a bad boy. Your mama loved you so much. She didn’t want to leave you. She thought you were a very good boy. She was just needed in Heaven to help all the other little boys. But you remember your mother’s star, son. She’s always with you.”

“Papa, why are stars white and not another color like green?” With that Joe had moved on to another subject, but his questions stayed with Ben. That night, after the little boy had fallen asleep in his father’s arms, Ben cried. He cried for himself, and he cried for his little boy.

Ben slowly returned to the present and looked at Joe. He wished he could make Joe feel better the way he had done that night so long ago. He wanted to explain what had happened to his son in a way Joe could accept, but Ben himself never understood his own loss, so how could he explain it? He worried about the future.

**************************

Ben questioned Paul regarding when Joe could be taken home. It had been five days since the accident, and Joe had been successful in fighting off gangrene. He remained in a great deal of pain, but his fever had broken, and his leg was losing some of its swelling.

“Well, what do you think? Can we take him home?” Ben asked Dr. Martin.

“He’s going to have a very painful ride Ben, but I think it would be okay. I’m going to go ahead and splint the leg. I’m rather surprised that he hasn’t been more anxious to go home himself.” Paul pointed out.

Ben had noticed the same thing, but was hoping it was because of the medication Joe had been taking for the pain that was keeping his son so docile. Ben wanted to get his son into the environment where Joe had the most love, support and familiarity. The Ponderosa was more than a home for Ben and his boys, it was their life.

Paul had eased on the medication, and Joe was awake more and more as each day passed. This was not what Joe had wanted, but he did not say anything. He had wanted to sleep. He wanted to be with Rebecca. He would answer questions asked of him, but did not volunteer to talk. He was outwardly compliant, but his thoughts were of being alone and being dead.

Ben decided to approach Joe about going home. “Son, I think it’s time to take you home. What do you think? You ready to get out of here?”

“If you think so, Pa.” Was Joe’s reply.

This was not the response Ben thought he’d get. “Don’t you want to go home?”

“Yeah, I do.” Joe’s tone was less than enthusiastic.

“I’ll get Adam and Hoss into town, and we’ll get you to the Ponderosa.” Ben was studying his son, unsure what was going on in Joe’s head.

Joe was very uncomfortable with the way his father was looking at him. It made him feel as if his father could read his mind, and he did not like it. He wanted to keep all of his memories and feelings inside of himself. He felt that if he let them out, then they were gone forever. He’d lose his connection to Rebecca. He longed to have Rebecca help him, and she was gone. She had understood him and knew what he needed. Rebecca could get him to talk about all sorts of things, and she made him feel better. When he had talked about his mother with her, it had actually made it a little easier to bear. What was he supposed to do? He wanted and needed someone he could never have again.

Ben arranged for Adam and Hoss to help him get Joe home. They had rigged up a wagon where Joe could lay down for the ride back to the ranch. Dr. Martin warned them to make the journey at a slow pace, so Joe’s leg would not be unnecessarily jostled. The doctor also gave Joe a healthy dose of pain medication to make the ride tolerable.

Hoss was able to easily pick up his younger brother and gently place him in the wagon. Joe was feeling much more pain than he let on and knew this was going to be an excruciatingly painful endeavor. He seemed to almost welcome the pain though, as he used his memories with Rebecca to help control it. He would focus all of his energy on trying to recall everything about her and his time with her. This was enough of a distraction to keep the physical pain tolerable.

The family finally set out to return home. Hoss drove the wagon and Ben and Adam rode beside it on horseback. The road they had taken was the same one taken by Joe and Rebecca the day of the accident. As they traveled, they came to the place where the accident itself had occurred. The wagon was such that Joe could see enough out of it to know where they were. As they came upon the accident site, Ben, Adam and Hoss became anxious. They all began to watch Joe to see if he had any reaction to the area. Joe sat lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to the importance of the scene. The three older Cartwrights glanced at each other, but said nothing.

As they traveled on they went past the meadow where Joe and Rebecca had spent their final day together. Joe looked over at the grove of trees and once again replayed the day in his mind. He did not notice his father watching him. Ben looked to where Joe was looking and saw the pretty meadow and trees. He had noticed Joe was deep in thought, and he wondered what it was Joe was thinking about. Joe’s face looked so sad.

“Joe, you okay?” Ben questioned.

Joe did not hear him at first. When it finally registered that his father was speaking to him, he was irritated at the interruption of his memory. He looked at his father and answered in a flat tone, “Yeah, I’m okay.” Joe then returned his eyes back to the meadow and his thoughts to the day he’d never forget.

The family made it safely back to the ranch, and Hoss again picked up Joe and carried him inside. He asked Joe if he wanted to be put on the couch, in the downstairs bedroom or up in his own room. Without any hesitation, Joe chose his own room. Hoss obliged. Once Joe had been settled into bed, Ben came into the room to check on him. “You need anything?”

“No.” Was all Joe said.

Ben tried to make small talk, but Joe was not responsive. Ben walked over to Joe’s window and started to open the blinds. That was when Joe spoke. “Pa, please don’t do that.”

“It’s kind of dark in here. Wouldn’t you like the light?” Ben suggested.

“No, Pa. I’m tired and gonna take a nap.”

“Okay, you need to take some medicine, and then I’ll be back to check on you a little later.” Ben gave Joe the medicine and walked out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. Again, Joe found himself irritated. He wanted his door shut and to be left alone, but was unable to get up and close it himself. Joe was wanting the room dark. He had found that he was more comfortable in the dark than in the daylight. This was very strange, given the fact that Joe almost had a phobia about dark places. Now he didn’t feel the least bit anxious when it was dark and wanted to stay in the darkness indefinitely.

His leg was throbbing and he found it hard to distract himself from the pain. He was hoping he could fall off into sleep, but he hurt to bad. He lay in his room staring at the ceiling, trying to remember all the details of the first time he had gone fishing with Rebecca and his other friends. One way the boys had initiated Rebecca into their group was to make her remove fish from their hooks. She surprised them all by not only removing the fish, but re-baited them by putting the worms on as well. Joe lay in the darkness angry at himself that he had not noticed Rebecca sooner than he had, so he could have had more time with her. Eventually, the medicine began to work, and Joe spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping.

***************************

Hop Sing had spent the time since the accident worrying about Little Joe. He had been unable to get most of his work done because he found himself unable to concentrate. He knew this was going to be a very bad time in the Cartwright household. The night of the engagement party had been a sign for Hop Sing. He had felt the dread come over him then, and it had never fully eased. He stood back and saw Hoss bring Joe through the door and take him upstairs. He wanted to wait until things had calmed some before he went to check on Mr. Joe.

Late in the afternoon Hop Sing climbed the stairs to Mr. Joe’s room. The door was slightly ajar so he walked in without disturbing the sleep young man. Hop Sing moved to the side of the bed and stood looking down at Mr. Joe. Mr. Joe looked so peaceful as he slept. Hop Sing knew though this was not how Mr. Joe was feeling. He knew this would be Mr. Joe’s greatest test.

As Hop Sing stood looking at Joe, Ben appeared in the doorway. He had come to check on Joe and was not at all surprised to see Hop Sing there. Hop Sing had made it a habit when Joseph was a child to keep check on his youngest if anything was at all wrong with the child. If Joe was sick, Ben knew where to find Hop Sing. In Hop Sing’s eyes the rest of the family could wait until he had tended to Little Joe.

“How is he?” Ben whispered.

Hop Sing put his finger to his lips to quiet Mr. Ben. He then walked out of Joe’s room and the two men talked quietly in the hall. “Mr. Cartwright, this very bad. He not going to be okay for long time. It very bad.”

“Yes, Hop Sing I know that. He’s going to need a lot of our help.”

“Mr. Cartwright, Hop Sing hope that enough.”

Sometimes Ben found Hop Sing to speak in riddles. He looked at his cook and just shook his head. “It will be Hop Sing.”

*************************

Hoss asked to be the one to take Joe’s supper up to him that evening. He had not been able to spend much time alone with his little brother since the accident. He wanted to see for himself if Joe was doing okay. When he entered his brother’s room it was dark and Joe was asleep. He set the tray down and gently shook his brother’s shoulder. “Joe, wake up buddy. It’s supper time.”

Joe reluctantly woke to see his brother looking down on him. “Huh?”

“Joe, it’s supper time, little buddy.”

“Hoss, I’m not hungry. You eat it.” Joe told him quietly.

“You’ve got to eat so you can get better.” Hoss said, trying to coax Joe into eating.

Joe thought to himself. “Get better? Hoss, I don’t want to get better.” But he said instead, “Then just leave it there, and I’ll eat it.”

“Well, Joe. I thought maybe we could talk a little bit.”

Joe did not want to eat and wanted to talk even less. He looked at his brother and felt he should let Hoss talk. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about Rebecca.”

“Oh God.” Joe thought. “I can’t talk about this. Go away and leave me alone, Hoss” Joe’s face was expressionless as he said, “Uh, Hoss. Listen, my leg is really hurting. Do you think maybe we can talk later?”

“Sure Joe. Anything you ask. Now you eat up. You don’t want Hop Sing after you do ya?”

After Hoss left, Joe looked over at the bottle of medicine that sat on his night table. He opened the bottle and took a sip. He paused and thought a moment, and then took another sip. He wanted to sleep and this made him do it. He laid down and waited to feel sleep overtake him.

***************************

A routine day for Joe passed with him sleeping through most of it. The light in his room remained dim and the curtains remained closed. He kept to himself, but would talk to his family when one or more would stop by his room. He tried as hard as he could to appear interested in what they were talking about, but it was difficult. His leg hurt most of the time, and he used it as a reason to stop talking when he felt the conversation was moving too close to something he didn’t want to talk about, or if he wanted to sleep. He had lost his appetite completely and only ate when someone sat in his room and watched him.

As the days passed, Adam and Hoss were growing more and more concerned over Little Joe. They had expected a different reaction from their youngest brother. Both had expected Joe to be angry and difficult to be with. What they had instead was a complacent, docile stranger in their house. Ben, on the other hand, could understand Joe’s reaction, having been through the loss himself. Adam and Hoss felt they needed to speak with their father regarding their concerns and began the conversation one evening at supper.

“Pa, we’ve got to talk about Joe.” Adam broached the subject.

“What do we need to discuss?” Ben asked, instinctively looking at Joe’s empty chair.

“Something is really wrong.” Hoss answered. “It’s like he’s not Joe anymore. He sleeps most of the time, and when he’s not sleeping he is starin’ at the ceiling or a wall. When you talk to him he answers, but it’s there’s no life in him.”

“Exactly.” Adam added. “He lays up there all day and does nothing.”

“Well Adam what do you expect him to be doing?” Ben questioned his eldest.

“I expect him to want to do more than sleep. Every time I try to talk to him about anything other than the weather, he complains about how bad he’s hurting and wants to sleep. Pa, I know Joe has been through a terrible ordeal and losing Rebecca is a nightmare, but I don’t think it is doing him any good at all for him to be held up in that room. Have you noticed he has not said her name, asked about the accident, nothing.”

“And Pa, he’s not eating much at all.” Hoss pointed out. “We haven’t seen him cry or nothin’ since that first day he found out.”

Boys, I hear what you’re saying, but what can we really do? He is in a lot of pain, and he’s very upset. I cannot tell him how he needs to be. Everyone handles these things differently.”

“I know. It’s just that I’m wondering if maybe we should get him out of that room. It would be a start to getting him back into his regular life.” Adam suggested.

“Paul is coming out tomorrow, so I’ll talk to him about it. Hoss, Adam, your brother is very lucky to have you two looking out for him. I’ll think about what you both said.” Ben assured them.

During the evening as Ben sat by the fire, he contemplated what would be best for Little Joe. Ben knew Joe needed time and he was more than willing to do anything to help. He just didn’t know what was needed. He decided not only would he talk to Paul, he also would try to talk to Joe. Joe had been very closed-mouthed with his father, as he had with everyone else, but Ben was going to try to get through to his youngest. If anyone could understand, it was Ben.

The following day, Paul arrived as scheduled. Before he went up to see Joe, Ben asked to speak with him. “Paul, I need to speak with you about Joe, before you see him.”

“Certainly, Ben.”

“I know this is going to be a long recovery for Joe, but there is something going on with him that has caused us all concern. He’s sleeping all the time. He doesn’t eat unless someone sits in his room and watches him. He’s not talking hardly at all, and when he does he is so agreeable. He hasn’t tried to get out of bed once. Now you know Joseph, and that is not my son.”

“Um...Your right. That does not sound like the Joe I know. Any other things going on? Is he crying a lot or bad dreams?”

“I haven’t seen him cry, and neither has Hoss or Adam. He isn’t talking at all about the accident or Rebecca. I haven’t noticed any bad dreams, but I don’t think he’d tell me right now.” Ben reported.

“Well, there is something called melancholia. I don’t know much about it, but its something in the mind. It is where the mind starts taking over for the body, and the person seems to lose all hope.”

“What’s the treatment?”

“That I don’t know, Ben. I know people are sent to special places sometimes if it gets really bad.”

“You mean an insane asylum?”

“Yes, but I don’t think Joe would ever get that bad.”

“Oh no, and even if he was really bad off, I would never have him sent somewhere like that. We can get him through this.”

“Yes, if any family can its this one. Now let me go see Joseph.”

Ben went upstairs with Dr. Martin. Joe was asleep when they entered the darkened room.

“Joe, son. Wake up. Dr. Martin is here to take a look at you.”

Joe was dreaming he and Rebecca were racing against each other each on horseback. This was something they used to do quite frequently as children. Joe had lost many a race to Rebecca until he had gotten Cochise. After that, he never lost a race. Rebecca had complained that it was no longer fun to race him, so Joe offered to let her ride Cochise. Cochise was usually very resistant to allowing anyone other than Joe to ride her, but the horse had allowed Rebecca with little fuss. When Joe asked her how she had gotten his horse to let her ride, she pointed out he was not the only one who carried sugar for the pinto. She had been giving Cochise sugar for weeks in order to befriend the high strung animal.

Ben’s voice broke through Joe’s dream and ended it. Joe reluctantly opened his eyes and looked at his father and Dr. Martin. He was angry that they were bothering him.

Joe addressed the two men standing before him in the flat tone that had developed since his accident. “Pa, Dr. Martin.”

“Ben can you get us some light in here, and I’ll take a look at Joe’s leg.” Paul said.

Ben walked over and opened Joe’s curtains. The light came streaming into the room. When Ben turned back to look at the doctor, he also got a good look at his son. Ben was taken back by what he saw. Joe was very pale and had dark circles under his eyes. He had lost weight and looked frail.

Paul had pulled back the blankets and was looking at Joe’s leg. He too had noticed how poorly Joe looked. As he touched the leg, Joe jumped from the pain.

“Sorry for that, Joe.” Paul apologized.

“It’s all right.” Joe replied.

“You in a lot of pain?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you got any of that medicine left that I gave you?”

“No.”

Ben was surprised to hear that Joe had been without the pain medicine. “Son, how long have you been doing without?”

Joe had been using the medicine to help him sleep, so he had run out a lot sooner than he should have. He had then resulted to shear willpower to cope with the pain. “Not long.” Was what he answered.

“Well, I’ve got some more for you.” Paul reassured Joe.

Joe was relieved to hear this. He had wondered how he was going to keep away the pain enough to sleep.

“Joseph, your leg looks okay. You need to be eating more to get your strength back so you can heal faster. We need to start getting you up and about soon too. Ben, he’s going to be on crutches for a long time, so you may want to think of moving his room downstairs for a while. I don’t want him to go up and down the stairs. It’s too risky. I brought some crutches with me, so I’ll leave them with you.”

Joe listened to the doctor, but didn’t care what he had said. He was not hungry and food had no taste. He knew Hop Sing had tried to cook him all kinds of foods he usually liked, but he didn’t like them anymore. He found he’d stopped liking a lot of things. It seemed it took too much energy to care. He wanted his father and the doctor to leave, so he could go back to sleep. He was annoyed that the doctor had told his father to move him to the downstairs bedroom. He didn’t want to be in there. He wanted to stay right where he was.

“Joe, I’m going to walk Paul out and then I’d like to talk to you for a while. I’ll be back in a minute.” Ben told his son.

Joe watched them walk out his door. He wished he could walk out the door. He wished he could get away from everyone and everything. He certainly didn’t want to talk to his father. Joe had a good idea what his father wanted to talk about and he dreaded it. He looked around his room to find something to distract him from his father. He knew he couldn’t get to sleep fast enough. He wished he’d had some of the pain medication right now, so at least he could dull his thoughts.

Ben returned to Joe’s room and saw Joe looking around. “Looking for something?”

“Yeah. An escape.” Joe thought, but said. “No.”

Ben sat down in the chair next to Joe’s bed and began to speak. “Joe, your brothers and I are worried about you. You’ve been sleeping an awful lot and you’re not eating. You don’t talk much to us, and I wanted to find out what I can do to help you.”

“Leave me alone. That’ll help.” Joe thought, but said, “Its just my leg hurting. It’s really hurting right now. Can we talk later?”

“No we need to talk now. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I think this is important.” Ben persisted.

“Great! Nothing is important anymore Pa. Don’t you get it!?” Joe thought, but only looked at his father.

“Joe we need to talk about Rebecca...” Ben looked at his son and Joe stared at the floor.

Joe began to think. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” It became a mantra in his head.

“Son, I know you are hurting so badly, but you need to talk about it. I know I didn’t want to talk about your mother’s death, but I found it was the only way to let go.”

“Let go?!! I don’t want to let go!” Joe thought.

“Son, look at me.”

“Damn it, Pa. Why are you doing this?” Joe thought. He raised his eyes and looked at his father.

Ben was again thrown at what he saw, or rather, didn’t see in Joe’s eyes. One of Joe’s most alluring characteristics was the twinkle in his eyes. Ben saw it was gone. Joe’s eyes looked dull and lifeless. What Ben saw scared him.

“Joe, tell me what’s going on with you.”

“What do you think is going on with me, Pa? She’s dead! Rebecca’s dead!” Joe thought, but just shook his head.

“You can’t keep this all bottled up inside of yourself. We’re all here to help you.”

“Did I ask for any help?” Joe thought, but said “I don’t feel like talking right now.”

Ben was beginning to feel frustrated with Joe’s resistance. “Joe, you need to, son.”

“Since when do you know what I need? I need to be with Rebecca. That’s what I need.” Joe thought. He said, “There’s nothing to say other than...she’s um, uh dead and I’ve got to live with that.”

“Yes, you do have to live with it, son. But we can help. Please let us.” Ben put his hand on top of his son’s.

Joe knew his father would persist with talking until Joe gave him some of what his Pa was looking for. Joe continued to look at his father and decided he did have one thing he wanted to know. “Tell me about the accident. I still don’t remember it.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you remember.” Ben thought this tactic may get Joe to open up a little.

Joe had replayed that day in his head over and over. He didn’t want to say it out loud. Why had he asked his father to tell him about the accident? Joe looked back at the floor. “Um, I remember that morning going into town...I remember going to her house.” As Joe started to tell his father, he relived that day once more. “ We went for a ride to... um...talk. I drove us to a meadow, and we got out and sat in the grass. We um looked at...” Joe could not talk about the wedding invitation. “Uh, something she had brought with us. We talked some more and then, we um...we uh...” Joe did not want to tell his father he and Rebecca had made love. It was far too private. “We...we talked...we …”

Ben realized what his son was trying not to say. “I understand, son.”

Joe looked at his father. He saw his father knew what he was not saying. “That’s where it all ends. After we...uh talked.”

Ben thought over what his son had said and had not said. He realized his son’s last memories were of making love to Rebecca. It made Ben even more sad for his son. “Well Joe, what Roy has been able to put together is that you and Rebecca were riding in the buckboard and she was driving the team.”

“Wait, she was driving the team?” This took Joe by surprise. “Why was she driving the team?”

“We don’t know son. Do you have any idea?”

Joe tried to think. He did not know why Rebecca would be driving the buckboard. He’d let her lead the team? Why? Then he remembered her asking him how he drove the buckboard when they were on their way out to the meadow. Had he let her drive the horses? Joe felt himself getting upset. He thought to himself, “Oh, my God! Why did I do that? It shouldn’t have happened. She shouldn’t have been the one driving the horses. I had to have let her do it! I killed her! She didn’t know how to drive the horses, and I obviously didn’t help her!”

Ben saw Joe’s eyes moving back and forth, as his son thought about the accident. It looked like Joe was becoming worked up. “Son, you okay?”

“Uh, yeah. I uh… just can’t remember.” Joe mentally brought himself back to his father’s conversation. “I don’t know.”

“Son, it was no one’s fault.” Ben said, trying to help his son.

“Yes it is, Pa. It’s mine.” Joe thought. Joe asked, “What caused the accident?”

“I don’t know. Roy didn’t say. I can ask him if you’d like.”

“Could you?” Joe asked.

“Yes I sure will. I also wanted to tell you that I think it’s time for you to get out of bed some. We are going to set you up downstairs like Paul suggested and get you out and about.”

Joe was unable to think of an argument that his father would accept regarding his staying in his own room. He was still reeling from the news of Rebecca having been the one to drive the horses.

“Joe let me help you get dressed, and then I’ll have Hoss come and help you get downstairs.” Ben suggested.

“You mean me go downstairs now?” Joe asked.

“Seems as good a time as any, wouldn’t you say.” Ben tried to be cheerful as he spoke.

“Can I just stay here a little longer? I’m really tired, and I want to take a nap.” Joe was hoping to at least have a little more time in his room. He slept best in his own bed.

“Tell you what. I’ll go and get the medicine Paul left for you, and then you can take a nap. I’ll make sure Hop Sing’s got you some clean clothes, and we’ll get you downstairs. We can get that room ready while you sleep.” Ben left to retrieve the medicine.

The only thing Joe felt was good about what his father had told him was that he was going to get the medicine to take away the pain. The more he focused on the previous conversation with his father, the more upset he felt. He couldn’t understand why he had let Rebecca drive the buckboard. If only he could take that back, he would have her with him again. “What a stupid, stupid thing you did.” Joe thought to himself.

Ben returned and gave Joe the bottle of pain killer. Joe waited until his father left the room and then took a long draw on the bottle. He felt the warm sensation as his body accepted the relief.

While Joe slept Ben enlisted Hop Sing to help him get the guest room ready to move Joe. After they got the room ready, Ben asked about clean clothes for Joe. Hop Sing was offended that Mr. Cartwright would even think he did not have clean clothes for Little Joe. “Mr. Cartwright, Hop Sing take good care of Little Joe. He have everything he need. You think Hop Sing do not think!”

“Calm down, Hop Sing. I know you take good care of Joe. I just asked.” Ben tried to calm his temperamental cook.

“Hop Sing get Little Joe’s clothes.” He said stomping off.

Hop Sing quickly returned with a pile of folded clothes. He also had brought Joe’s green jacket. Dr. Martin had returned it earlier that day when he had come to check on Joe. Hop Sing set the clothes on the bed. He took the jacket and walked out to where the family had habitually left their coats, hats and guns. He went to hang up the jacket and noticed there was something stiff in the pocket. He opened the pocket and pulled out an invitation. Hop Sing read the invitation and became choked up. Ben had followed him out into the great room and saw Hop Sing reading the piece of paper. He also saw Hop Sing’s reaction.

“What is it?” Ben asked.

Hop Sing just handed Ben what he was reading and walked into the kitchen. Ben read the invitation and closed his eyes. “Oh Lord. Please help us with this.” Ben prayed.

Joe slept and dreamed most of the afternoon. Ben checked in on him periodically. Joe finally woke around three. He reached for the bottle of pain killer as soon as he was totally lucid. He took a smaller amount than he had been using lately, so he would not fall back asleep. He knew his father was going to stick to the plan of moving him downstairs, so he thought he’d keep himself awake for a little while.

Ben eventually checked in on Joe again and saw his son awake. “Hey, you ready to try this?”

“No.” Joe thought, but said, “Uh huh.”

“Okay lets get you dressed.” Ben pulled back the blankets and helped his son sit up. Joe had done very little sitting since he had been injured and felt himself get dizzy. He then felt a little nauseous. “This is not going to be good.” Joe thought to himself.

Given the splint on Joe’s leg, it was obvious he was not going to be able to get his pants on. Ben solved the problem by ripping the right pant leg up to the thigh. “After all the times I yelled at you for coming home with the knees torn out of your pants.” Ben shook his head smiling. “I just took a good pair of your trousers and tore them up”

Ben thought he would at least get a smile out of his son, but Joe just looked at him with a blank face. He wondered when he would get his son back to the way he was before this had happened. He wondered if he ever would.

Ben helped Joe put on his shirt. Joe’s ribs and shoulder were still sore, so he moved lightly. It took a bit of maneuvering, but they were able to get Joe’s pants on as well. Joe felt exhausted after dressing. He could not believe the amount of energy a simple thing as getting dressed had required.

“I’m going to get Hoss to help you downstairs.” Ben said, leaving the room.

“I really don’t want Hoss to carry me.” Joe thought. Hoss doing that made Joe feel too dependent and too vulnerable. Joe grabbed the medicine bottle and put it in his shirt pocket. He decided he could make it downstairs on his own. He was able to stand and did not put any weight on his leg. He then tried to take a step. Joe saw white as the pain shot through him. His eyes watered, and he fainted dead away.

Hoss and Ben were coming up the stairs when they heard Joe fall. They ran into his room to see him on the floor. “Joe!” Hoss and Ben cried out together.

Joe began to come around and his leg throbbed. He moaned and opened his eyes.

“Joe, what on earth were you doing, boy!” Ben asked going to is son on the floor.

“I…just…stepped…wrong.” Joe said through gritted teeth.

“You shouldn’t step at all.” Ben scolded.

“No kidding, Pa. I think I figured that out.” Joe thought to himself, but said, “Yeah, pretty stupid.”

“Here Joe. I’ll get you.” Hoss said and easily scooped up his brother. Hoss noticed Joe felt lighter and made a vow to fatten him up some. He carried Joe downstairs and put him on the couch.

The movement from his room to the couch increased Joe’s pain immensely. He lay on the couch with his head back waiting for the pain to decrease. He wanted to drink the whole bottle of medicine, but knew he was being watched. Joe was wondering why it was such a big deal for him to be on the couch. He knew he’d feel much better in his room.

Adam came in soon after Joe had been moved to the downstairs. He saw his brother on the couch and felt relief that Joe was at least out of his room.

“Joe, it’s good to see you out of your room. How do you feel?” Adam expressed concern.

Joe wanted to answer by saying “Oh I’m great Adam. Never better, and you?” but he knew he was just being smart, and it would lead to someplace he did not want to go to with Adam. He thought to himself, “Why does everyone want me out of my room? I want to be in my room! Why do they act like there is nothing wrong, and I’m just going to be all better. I know they don’t know what to do with me. Huh, that means at least we agree on that.”

“I’m hurtin’ some, but I’ll be okay.” Joe told Adam.

“Well, you just take it easy right now. You have plenty of time to recuperate. You know I was thinking, and I have a way you can help me, if you’re up for it. I have some ledgers I need some attention given to. I’ve stuck in all sorts of pieces of paper into them and everything needs to be catalogued and written down. I’ve been running the tallies in my head, but I’m afraid they are getting away from me. Interested?”

“No.” Joe thought. “I’m not interested. I don’t want to sit and take care of meaningless numbers. That’s your idea of important, Adam. Not mine.” But Joe said to his brother, “Yeah, I’ll do it. Bring it here.”

Adam was surprised when Joe easily agreed. “You can start on it tomorrow. There’s no hurry.”

Ben brought in the crutches for Joe and put them by the couch. Joe looked at them, but had no desire to use them. He wanted to sleep, not walk.

Hoss approached Joe cautiously. “Hey Short Shanks, you up to a game of checkers?”

Joe did not want to play checkers. He thought this had gotten to comedic proportions. What were they going to do? Keep him occupied on stupid things until they thought he would have forgotten about Rebecca. He wanted to ask them. “When is it I am supposed to forget? When is it I am supposed to just go on as if she never existed?”

“Yeah, Hoss. I’ll play.” Joe told is brother.

Hoss and Joe played checkers and Hoss won every game. Hoss knew Joe wasn’t concentrating and was almost relieved when Hop Sing called them for dinner. Joe used the crutches for the first time to walk to the table. He did not want to eat, but knew he could not get out of it. Joe sat uncomfortably in a chair he had not been in for many days. He tried to limit what he put on his plate, so that he would not have to eat much.

Ben was pleased to see his whole family at the dinner table. He looked from one son to the other. He was so proud of his boys. He knew each was very different from the other, but he liked each for their own qualities. He knew this was what made him make it through his pain. He hoped Joe could do the same.

Joe sat and moved the food around his plate. He felt if he ate anything else he’d be sick. He had several glasses of wine, as he stalled with the food. He wanted to be excused, but knew his father was watching him. He thought he would sit there as the dutiful son until his father released him from his family obligation.

Ben had noted Joe’s lack of eating. “Joseph, you need to eat. I want all of that on your plate gone.”

Joe hadn’t heard his father say something like that in a long time. He felt as if he were ten again. “Why don’t you leave me alone?” Joe thought, getting increasingly more angry. He took a few more bites and just knew he was going to lose it. He got up quickly from the table and, using the crutches, went outside. He was sick to his stomach, losing what dinner he had eaten. The sudden movements made his leg feel as if it were on fire.

He stood out in the fresh air breathing deeply trying to handle the pain as his father approached. “You all right, Joe?” Ben cautiously asked.

“Um hum.” Joe answered.

Ben put his arm around his son. “Joe, I love you, and I am here for you.”

“Pa, I know that. I just need some fresh air. I’ll be okay.” Joe knew his father was hurting because of Joe’s problems. He did not like it, but felt powerless to do anything about it. He could not take care of his father, especially since he could not take care of himself

“You come on in when you feel better.” Ben said, realizing Joe wanted some time by himself.

“I will, Pa. Don’t worry. I’m fine.” Joe reassured his father.

Joe stayed outside for the remainder of the evening, He slowly made his way to the barn and looked in on Cochise. He rubbed her ears and talked quietly to her. He saw that she had been well taken care of in his absence. He thought it was probably Hoss tending to her, since Hoss was so good with animals, and he seemed to be the one Cochise’s care fell to if Joe was unable to do it himself. Although Joe loved his horse deeply, he noted that he no longer seem to feel as if Cochise were all that special. It was strange how he’d changed. He looked at the paint and wondered if he would care about anything, ever again. “Cooch, I miss her so much.” He managed to say.

Joe sat outside not wanting to return to the house. He was sitting on the porch out of view of anyone who may walk through the yard. He heard the bunkhouse door open and close, and someone walked out. “Can’t I be alone anywhere?” Joe asked himself.

He looked at who was walking toward him and saw it was Phillips, one of the hands who worked the cattle. Joe had known Phillips a while. He thought Phillips was a pretty nice guy with some big problems. The biggest was Phillips was a drinker. Joe did not know if anyone else knew about the drinking, but he had seen the cowhand drink on numerous occasions when Phillips thought no one was watching. Joe sat watching the man and noticed the man pulled out a bottle of whiskey and began to drink. Joe decided to call the man over. “Hey, Phillips.”

The man jumped at hearing his name. Phillips turned and saw the youngest Cartwright sitting in the dark with his leg propped up. “Oh, hey, Little Joe. I didn’t see ya’ there.” He said as he tried to hide the bottle.

“Come on over and have a seat. Bring the bottle with you.” Joe told the concerned man.

Phillips walked over and sat next to Joe. He offered Joe the bottle which Joe quickly accepted and took a long drink. Joe was relieved to find some way to escape.

“Little Joe, I’m awfully sorry to hear about your fiancee, and your leg, and everything.” Phillips offered his condolences.

“Geez, does everybody have to talk about it.” Joe thought. He said, “Thanks Phillips, but you and I will get along just fine if you never mention it again.”

“Sure, Joe. What ever you want.”

The men settled in to quietly getting drunk. Joe felt the alcohol work just as the pain medicine had. It stopped the thinking, and it stopped the feeling. It brought numbness which was openly welcomed. When the bottle was finished, Joe sat and stared at the ground. His mind was blank; the only thoughts being of the wooden boards he was looking at on the porch.

“Well Joe, morning comes quick. It’s time for me to turn in.” Phillips said getting up to leave.

“Phillips, you come out here often?” Joe said, slurring his words.

“Well…I uh…”

“How ‘bout we meet tomorrow night. A little later, though. After every one’s gone to sleep. You bring a bottle, and I’ll bring my sunny disposition.” Joe attempted to make light of his mood.

“You got it, Joe. ‘Night.” Phillips said walking off.

“”Night.” Joe returned the courtesy.

Joe sat a while longer before he got up and returned to the house. He had difficulty managing the crutches in his inebriated state. He stepped hard on his leg, but felt very little of the pain. As he attempted to make it through the door, Hoss quickly jumped up from his place on the couch to help. Hoss held the door and helped steady his brother. Joe looked at him with glassy eyes.

“Joe, something wrong?” Hoss asked, not understanding what had contributed to his younger brother’s current condition.

“Nope.” Joe answered and walked to his ‘new’ bedroom ignoring the others in the room. Once in the room, he shut the door and hobbled over to the bed. He sat down and let out a big sigh. There was a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” Joe asked, knowing he needed to keep his words short in order to hide his current state.

Ben opened the door. “You need any help?”

“I was helped just fine tonight Pa, thank you very much. It’s the only kind of help I want.” Joe thought. He knew he couldn’t let his Pa to close to him. “Um, no. I got it.”

“Here, let me help.” Ben approached.

Joe thought fast and said. “Um…I need a glass of water.”

“Okay, son I’ll get you one and then be back to help you. Oh and I’ll run upstairs and get the blanket off of your bed.” Ben said, leaving the room.

Joe worked as quickly as he could, given his condition, to get his shirt off. He pulled back the covers of the bed. He then pulled the boot off of his good leg and was grateful he had not had one on his broken leg. He knew the pants would be impossible to get off, so he swung his legs into bed and pulled up the covers. Ben returned just as he had finished undressing.

“Well, you certainly got into bed quick, Joseph. Here’s your water.” Ben handed the glass to Joe. He also spread out the retrieved blanket. It seemed that Joe was acting strange, but Ben thought that acting strange was getting to be normal with his youngest son.

Joe took the water from his father, took a sip and placed it on the bed table. “’Night, Pa.” Joe said, closing his eyes.

Ben shook his head. “Good night, son.” And walked out of the room.

The alcohol made it easy for Joe to fall asleep. He drifted off with thoughts of Rebecca. The dreams came as usual and he began resting peacefully. He was having a dream that had occurred several times before. Suddenly the dream began to change… Rebecca was laughing and looking at him fondly. He loved that smile and laugh. They were lying side-by-side in a field, both on their sides, propped up on their elbows. He reached for her and she fell backwards away from him. The ground opened up and she began sinking into it. Her arms were placed across her chest, and her eyes were closed. Joe looked up and saw a headstone. Rebecca’s name was on it. “Don’t go. Please don’t go. No Rebecca! No! You can’t die!” Joe woke with a start. He was covered with sweat and breathing heavily.

He tried to shake off the nightmare and fall back to sleep, but he was anxious. He did not want to have the dream return. His sleep had been what he felt had kept his sanity. If he had only been left alone in his own room this would not be happening. He started to feel angry. Joe reached for his shirt on the floor and pulled out the bottle. He took a long drag and tried to breath deeply. He waited to go numb.

Hop Sing had heard Joe cry out and had gone to the guest room door. He stood and listened at the door, but heard no further sounds from inside the room. He returned to his bed, but did not return to sleep. He kept diligent watch, listening to hear if the young man needed him.

**************************

Joe spent his days laying on the couch, trying to look like he was busy. He usually would sit with a book in his lap and stare at the pages. He would turn a page every so often, just to make it look good to whomever may be watching him. He continued to meet Phillips at night and was drinking heavily. He had finished the bottle of pain medicine and was not sure how to get more. The pleasant dreams that had once been present for him, were all but gone. They had been replaced by a series of nightmares. Joe began to wake in the night and be unable to return to sleep. He would eventually get out of bed and go into the great room. He would stoke the fire up and sit and stare into it.

Joe sat staring into the fire with his thoughts on dying.. He wanted for something to happen that would take him out of the world. He focused on how unfair it had been that Rebecca was gone, and he had to stay in his life. He was trapped. Something had happened inside of him. He felt it. He could not cry for her, he could not talk about her, and he could not stop thinking about her. He cared about nothing else.

Joe tried to think of what used to be important to him. What was it? His family? Yes they were important, but he found that Rebecca had made him feel like a man. His family did that in certain ways, but it was different. She completed him. She gave him a feeling he had never experienced before. What else was supposed to be important? The Ponderosa? Joe just could not find the value in the ranch anymore. He knew his father had built the place out of love and had given each of his sons that love, but Joe could no longer feel it. He thought that if something came along to take the Ponderosa, it would mean nothing to him.

Joe was looking at the fire when a spark popped out of the fireplace and landed on the rug. He watched the rug ignite. He sat thinking, “That’s going to burn the place down.” But did nothing to stop the fires progress. He became fascinated with the fire and thought, “This is it. I’ll just let it take me. Thank you, God.” The fire had begun to take hold and was moving towards him. He sat back and waited for it to hit.

Hop Sing had not slept well since Joe had been moved downstairs. He heard the young man crying out in the night. He also would hear Joe get up in the night. Hop Sing would then enter the great room in the morning to see Joe asleep on the couch. He had shared this with Mr. Ben just the previous morning, and Mr. Ben had asked Hop Sing to wake him the next time this occurred.

That night, Hop Sing had dosed off and had not heard Joe’s cries in the night, nor had he heard Joe move into the great room. He woke to the smell of smoke and leaped out of bed. He ran into the great room to see the rug on fire. Hop Sing yelled loudly in Cantonese. This broke the spell Joe was under. Joe had been laying down, so he did not think Hop Sing had seen him awake.

The yell woke the remainder of the family. Hoss, Adam and Ben ran down the stairs. They saw the cook frantically attempting to put out the fire. The three joined in, and the fire was quickly out.

“What the hell happened?” Adam asked.

“Hop Sing, what’s going on?” Ben demanded.

“Mr. Joe fall sleep. Fire come out on rug.” Hop Sing said, looking at Joe.

Joe was relieved Hop Sing had not seen him. His heart which had been racing after Hop Sing screamed, began to return to normal

“Son, are you okay?” Ben asked Joe.

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” Joe said.

Ben rechecked the rug to insure the fire was out and then said, “ Well it’s late, and we can clean this up in the morning. Everyone back to bed. Joseph, you need to go back to into your room.”

Joe used his crutches and returned to bed. He lay in bed thinking about what had occurred. He was angry the fire had been stopped.

*******************************

Weeks past and Joe’s days hardly varied from one another. He would hobble outside during the day and sit on the porch. He grew darker in his thoughts as he could no longer escape them during the day. He was thinking about how much he hated life when he heard a buggy approach. He looked up to see who was approaching. It was John and Maggie Larson. Tied to the back of the buggy was Marc Antony, Rebecca’s palomino gelding, a gift from Joe when he had proposed.

Joe felt himself grow ill. He had not seen them since the accident. “Oh, no. Please don’t do this to me.” Joe thought. He remained seated on the porch praying he was asleep and this was all a dream.

Maggie had seen Joe sitting on the porch and held back a gasp. The handsome young man looked horrid. He was pale and gaunt. He had dark circles under his eyes. What was most striking was the vacant expression on Joe’s face. John noted how Joe looked as well. John’s heart went out to Joe. It was obvious Joe was tortured over the loss of Rebecca.

“Hello, Little Joe.” John said, extending his hand.

Joe stood as they approached and extended his hand, but he made no eye contact. John shuttered when he felt the lack of grip in Joe’s handshake. “Mr. Larson. Mrs. Larson.” Joe said in his flat tone.

Ben had heard the buggy approach and was through the door as the Larson’s greeted Joe. “John, Maggie, how nice to see you.” Ben extended his hand. The two men shook hands.

“We wanted to come by and check on Joe.” Maggie said looking at Joe.

Joe thought “You shouldn’t have. I killed your daughter.” But he said nothing.

The four stood looking awkward until Ben remembered his manners and asked everyone to sit.

“Oh, yes. Joe you shouldn’t be standing anyway.” Maggie said her mothering instincts naturally coming out.

“I shouldn’t be living anyway.” Joe thought, but just looked at Mrs. Larson.

The silence was causing everyone except Joe to feel uncomfortable. Joe wanted it quiet. John knew there was something he needed to say to Joe. “Joe, we know Rebecca was driving that buckboard, and I am sorry that you got hurt.”

Joe wanted to scream and not stop. Joe’s thoughts exploded in his head. “NO!!!! DON’T YOU BLAME HER!!! DON’T YOU DO THAT TO HER!!! IT’S MY FAULT!!!” “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT GETTING HURT?!! DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IS THE LEAST BIT IMPORTANT TO ME, YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH! He struggled to keep under control. He wanted to punch John in the face for what he had said. He did not want to be absolved of anything. He wanted them to blame him. He blamed himself. He hated himself. He wanted them to hate him enough to kill him.

“Son, did you hear what John said?” Ben tried to get his son to speak.

Joe breathed deeply and paused before speaking. “Yes sir, I did. Mr. And Mrs. Larson, I’m the one who owes you an apology. I told you I would keep your daughter safe, and I didn’t.”

This was the first glimmer Ben had to what was going on in his son’s head. It pained him to hear what Joe had said.

“No, son. You are not responsible for the accident. It was just that, an accident.” John tried to reassure Joe. “We know you took good care of her.”

Joe had nothing left to say. He knew the truth and these people could say anything they wanted and it didn’t matter. He was at fault. He did not want to tell them what was in his head and he knew if they talked much more he would not be able to hold back. He tried to think of any reason to get up and leave.

“Joe, you are taking too much of this on your shoulders. Rebecca loved you so much, and she would not want you to punish yourself.” Maggie added trying to comfort the sad young man.

Joe thought to himself, “No one gets it! They all think I should go happily along and just act like it never happened. Why shouldn’t I be punished? Isn’t that’s what has happened. I’m punished every day I wake up, and she’s not here. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t be punished, tell God. Tell Him to take me out of my miserable existence. Then I’ll no longer be punished.”

“Uh, Joe. We wanted to return Marc Antony to you. We know how much Rebecca loved that horse and how hard you had worked to train the animal. We know she would want you to take of horse for her.” John explained.

Joe just sat and looked at him. This was too much. He could not believe they were wanting him to take back Rebecca’s horse. It wasn’t his; it was hers. That horse meant they were engaged. It was how he told her how much he had loved her. They want him to take it back?

“Joe?” Ben asked.

Joe still sat staring at John Larson.

“Joseph?” Ben asked again.

Still Joe did not respond.

John got up and untied the horse from the buggy and tied it to the hitching post in front of the house. This was too much for Joe to take. He stood and screamed out loud, “I DON’T WANT THE GOD DAMNED HORSE! SHOOT IT FOR ALL I CARE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN! I NEVER WANT TO SEE EITHER OF YOU AGAIN!” Joe grabbed the crutches and moved quickly into the house.

The Larson’s and Ben were stunned at Joe’s explosion. None of them could speak. Ben wanted to run to his son, but he also knew he had to speak with the Larson’s. He was torn.

“Um, John, Maggie, I’m so sorry about that.” Ben managed to apologize.

“Ben there’s no need to apologize. We should have thought more about this. We thought he’d want the horse. We’re sorry.” Maggie responded and began to cry. “We have all been so hurt by this. He’s just hurting.”

“Well you both are very understanding. He hasn’t expressed his grief since the first day he found out. This was totally unexpected.” Ben explained.

“Maybe it will help him start to get it out.” John said, offering hope.

“We can hope.” Ben answered.

The Larson’s soon departed leaving the palomino with Ben. Ben had a ranch hand take the horse somewhere out of sight. He gave explicit orders the horse was not to be seen by Joseph. He implied there would be a serious penalty if his wishes were not followed. He then returned into the house to find his son.

Joe was in his room upstairs when Ben tracked him down. Ben had no idea how Joe had negotiated the steps. Joe was sitting on his bed staring at the floor. He was expecting his father and dreaded talking.

“Son…”

“Look Pa, I’m sorry I talked the way I did. It won’t happen again. I’m tired and I want to be alone.” Joe tried to shut down any communication.

Ben was unsure if he should address his son’s attitude, or his hurt. “Son, I understand you are hurt and upset. I have been trying to get you to talk for weeks. Talk to me about it.”

“No, Pa. I won’t.” Joe looked stubbornly at his father. He was still upset that he had said what he had to the Larson’s. He was beginning to be unable to keep it all inside. It was getting away from him. He was losing control.

“Joe, please. I want to help.” Ben had tears in his eyes as he looked at his son.

Joe thought, “Oh no, you’re not going to do this to me. I’m not going to talk to you.”

“Son, if anyone knows what you are going through it’s me.” Ben said quietly.

“Pa, I need to be alone today. You need to give that to me. I don’t want to talk to you.”

Ben saw the conversation was going no where and he risked further alienating his son. He could not force Joe to talk, and it made him feel helpless. He quietly stood up and left his son’s room. He said as he left. “I love you, Joseph.”

Joe stayed upstairs for the rest of the day trying to understand why the words had spilled out of him as they had earlier. He could not hold it back much longer. He felt it.

The family ate dinner as usual. Hoss and Adam had not been informed about the scene with the Larsons but they sensed something was wrong. Joe ate quietly, not looking at anyone. Hoss tried to engage his little brother in small talk, but Joe did not even bother to answer.

After dinner, Joe went to the downstairs bedroom. He waited until the others had turned in for the night and then hobbled into the kitchen. He easily found the bottle of whiskey. He took the bottle and went towards the door. He looked on the credenza by the door and grabbed the other item he needed. He quietly made his way out the door to the barn. He sat down on a crate and opened the bottle. He took several long draws and felt the warmth of the liquid. It all became very clear to him. He knew what he had to do. He continued to drink to remove any further hesitation. When the bottle was drained he dropped it into the hay. He was dizzy, but determined.

He picked up the gun that he had brought out with him. He looked it over. It had his name on it. He rubbed his finger over the engraving. Joe cocked the gun, closed his eyes and held it to his head. “Pa, forgive me.”

LOST AND FOUND

Part Three: Purgatory

A state or place of temporary punishment to expiate one’s sins by suffering

There was no noise as he sat, eyes closed, holding the cocked gun to his head. He paused and said, “Pa, forgive me.”

As he spoke aloud, his hand beginning to tremble. “I can do this,” he told himself. “I can make it all just go away.”

He wanted to sleep: a sleep without dreams; a sleep without pain; a sleep without memories. All he had to do was to pull back his finger, and it was over. “Come on, just do it.” He said to himself. “Just end it.”

He held his breath as he decided if he was going to live or die. Rebecca’s face flashed before him in his mind. He wanted to be with her desperately. Then, just as suddenly, his father’s face came into his mind, and he paused as he felt the guilt. Again he waited for the courage. He waited for the desperation to send him over the edge, but he had waited too long.

He opened his eyes and lowered the gun. He realized that the urgency of the moment had passed. He had allowed himself to pause too long, and in that pause he had questioned himself. However briefly the questioning, it brought him away from the desire to die, and away from the need to join his love. He looked down at the gun once again. He began to remember when he had been given the weapon, so finely detailed, so lovingly given. It was a gift from his family. He realized he could not use it to die. He could not do that to them. As little as his life meant to him, he knew to end it the way he had intended, would hurt more than just himself. He could not do that, no matter how bad he hurt.

Joe sat in the darkness for hours holding the gun in his hand and thinking of how he could escape the pain. He had failed at being able to tolerate his feelings, and he had failed at ending his life. He was at a loss to know how he was going to remain in his body, and be able to live with the hurt that was a constant presence. There was no escape for him. He sat waiting for a reprieve. Finally, when he had decided what he needed to do, he quietly left the barn.

Ben Cartwright laid in bed running the events of the day over in his head. The Larson’s visit had provided a glimpse of what was in his youngest son’s head. Joe was feeling guilty and responsible for Rebecca’s death. Ben knew only too well how that felt. He continued to carry guilt regarding Marie’s accidental death, but he had come to accept that it would not help him to dwell on it. He had to make Joe realize that it was part of grieving to think of the “what ifs”. However, It was also part of grieving to forgive oneself for not being able to change the event. He had to get Joe to accept what was and go on with his life. The problem was, he had no idea how to get through to his son.

Ben was lost in thought when he heard the downstairs door close. He got up from his bed and looked out the window. There was no one in the yard. Someone had entered the house. Ben recalled the conversation with Hop Sing regarding Joe’s midnight movements in the house. He wondered if Joe was the one responsible for the noise downstairs. He quickly pulled on his robe and walked to the stairs. At the top of the landing he could make out someone standing by the door, putting something on the credenza. As he moved down the stairs, he identified the individual easily as Little Joe. “Son, everything okay?”

It was obvious that Joe had not heard his father come down the steps. His father’s voice had caused him to startle, and he jumped. “Geez, Pa! You scared me.”

“I’m sorry. Why are you up so late, and what are you doing?”

Joe knew he could not tell his father what had just occurred in the barn. He could not tell anyone how desperate he had become. He had to think quickly. “Uh, I uh couldn’t sleep, and I was kinda hot, so I went outside to get some air. Sorry I woke you.”

Ben looked at his son with some suspicion. He knew his boy well and felt he could usually tell when Joseph was hiding something. He was unsure if he was experiencing one of those circumstances. He had grown so uncertain of his son in many ways. He could only ask again, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Joe responded in his now familiar flat tone. He quickly moved away from the credenza in case his father was able to determine what it was Joe had replaced onto it. He hoped his father could not tell that he had been drinking. He was unsure how he would handle it if it was noticed.

Ben moved with his son to the sitting area near the fireplace. They both sat, and Joe stared into the fireplace. He felt shaky and unsteady. He was wanting to sleep, but sleep was so far from him. He felt certain he would be awake to see the light enter the great room when morning approached.

“Joseph, we need to talk.” Ben began. Ben asked himself how many times he had said that to his youngest over the last few weeks.

Joe knew he had to talk to his father as well. He was not ready for the conversation he needed to have and had hoped he could have put it off just a little while longer until he could plan what he wanted to say. He was not sure he was going to get that luxury. “Yeah, I know.” Joe responded.

“Son, today I realized what it is that has you in such agony. I didn’t know you felt responsible for Rebecca’s death.”

The mention of Rebecca’s name made Joe flinch. He did not like hearing her name out loud. He believed her name belonged to him alone, and it was sacred. He looked at his father and felt his insides tearing apart. “Aren’t I?” Joe asked himself. “She would be here if I’d been driving those horses. I know that.” He said nothing.

“I have to tell you Joseph, I know full well what you feel like. I have not shared with you what it had been really like for me when your mother died. I know I told you it was difficult. I told you how much I missed her and how hard it was to keep going, but there were other parts I did not feel you needed to know. That is until now. Joe, I had prayed long ago that none of you boys would lose a woman to death the way I have. My prayer was not answered as I’d hoped, so now I must help you get through this time. Son, when your mother died, I wanted to die. I spent days thinking of the ways I could end everything and be with her.”

“Does he know what I just tried to do?” Joe asked himself and became very uncomfortable. He started looking all around the room. Joe had never heard this from his father. His father had actually thought of ways to die after his mother’s death. It surprised him. Joe always felt he and his father had little in common, emotionally. He viewed his father as so strong and steady. He knew his father would get angry and sometimes over react, but Joe believed his father could never be as passionate as he was himself. Somehow he had never allowed himself to think of his father as emotionally vulnerable. To do this would leave Joe that much more leery of the world. He had to believe his father was always in control of his passions.

Ben noticed his son’s restlessness, but continued to talk. “Joe, there were times during those first weeks and months that I could have easily given into the grief and pain and ended it all. I didn’t for one reason and one reason only: you three boys. I realized I had to keep going because there was still love in my life. There were three wonderful human beings who needed me, and slowly I realized I needed them. You helped me son more than you will ever know. You are so much like your mother that as long as I have you, I have her. I can enjoy her, because you have so many things about you that are a mirror image of Marie. You know when you chew on your bottom lip? She did the same thing. And your mother too was not particularly fond of mornings. You see Joe, I found ways of keeping your mother alive for myself and then went on with my life.”

Joe spoke, his voice quiet and without emotion, “But Pa, I have nothing to hold onto.”

“Oh, but you do. You have memories. You have the time you had with her to think about.” Ben attempted to point out.

“But it hurts too much to do that. I feel like I died when she died. I can’t find me, Pa.” The whole time Joe talked he remained staring at the fireplace. “I changed when I started loving… her. It was a change that I really liked, and I need her to keep it. Without her, I’m lost.”

“Joe, you will become the man you need to be, I have no doubt about that. Rebecca didn’t do that for you, you did it for yourself. She just gave you the desire to do it. Don’t you see that?”

“No Pa. You’re wrong about that. She did it for me. If it wasn’t her then why hadn’t I done it for you or Hoss or Adam. You all told me that you liked how I was helping around the place, and I had a good attitude and everything. Now if she didn’t do that, why weren’t you all enough to make me behave myself?”

Ben was struck with the depth in his son’s thinking. Ben had a tendency to view Joseph still as a little boy who was more focused on having fun than doing much thinking about life. He found it bittersweet. Joseph was losing his naiveté. To keep his son naïve about much of life had been a fault of Ben’s. He had overprotected his youngest, he knew that, but it was done out of love and fear. He wanted Joseph to have the life he could not give to Adam and Hoss when they were Joe’s age. He carried guilt for his two oldest and the harsh difficulties of the life he had exposed them to in their early years. He carried guilt for all three of his boys having lost Marie. This guilt sometimes resulted in Ben overcompensating with his youngest.

“Joe, you’re the one who decided to work around here. You decided to change your attitude. I know you are hurting very badly and everything seems to be very hard to handle, but believe me, there will be more in your life, much, much, more.” Ben tried to avoid pointing out that Joe was only seventeen, and he would have many more loves in his life. He knew reminding his son of his age would take a productive conversation and quickly turn it to a battle.

Joe thought to himself, “I don’t believe you, Pa. It was all her, and you can’t convince me otherwise. I don’t ever want to love again if this is what has to happen.” He said, “Pa, I am really tired and want to sleep.”

Ben knew he had lost Joe to any further conversation. He was encouraged that Joe had said as much as he had. Ben wondered to himself what had gotten Joe to speak. He hoped there would be more opportunities to talk again with his youngest. He so much wanted to help Joe begin to put the nightmare behind him. “Okay Joseph, I’ll see you in the morning. Oh, uh, well looking at the sun starting to come up, I guess I’ll see you later this morning.” Ben said, rising to leave.

Joe stood as well, and hobbled into the downstairs bedroom. He sat on the bed and thought of what had happened that evening in the barn, or rather what had not happened. He found he was angry at himself for not being able to carry out the suicide. He knew he had to find some way to cope with the nightmares and the continuous thoughts of Rebecca. He felt guilty that he wanted to stop thinking about her. He felt he was betraying her, but it hurt so bad when he did think of her. He had to stop his head.

Joe’s eyes eventually became heavy and he fell asleep sitting up on the bed. He found the first hours of sleep to be restful. However, there was to be no relief from the ever-present nightmares…

Joe was running through a field trying to get to the house. Every time he moved forward the house moved away. He looked at the front of the house and saw Rebecca. She was waving at him and walked inside. He eventually made it to the house and went in. It was different inside. There was no furniture, and the stairs to the second floor were gone. He heard Rebecca’s voice calling him from upstairs. He could not figure out how she got up there, nor how he could get up to her. He yelled, “Rebecca.” She came to the opening where the stairs should have been. He smiled at seeing her. Just then Rebecca fell from above to the floor in front of him. “No! Rebecca, no! God, no! Rebecca?!”

Joe bolted upright, breathing heavily. It took him a moment for it to register that what he had experienced had been a dream. He began to slow his breathing and attempted to get himself under control. After he had calmed down he realized it was daytime. He thought to himself this was a day that last night he had no intention of seeing. He put his head in his hands and tried to clear his thoughts. He was not successful and decided maybe a change of scenery would help. He moved slowly into the great room and took up his position on the couch. He sat there for a few moments still unable to escape himself. He eventually moved out onto the porch and sat staring at the barn.

Ben, Hoss and Adam rode up to the ranch house for lunch. They saw Joe sitting on the porch in the same place he had taken to sitting every day. All three noticed Joe was deep in thought, looking past them to the barn. Hoss called out, “Hey Little Joe.”

This interrupted Joe’s thoughts, and he looked towards his family. “Hey.” He said without enthusiasm.

“What’s Hop Sing got to eat in there?” Hoss asked, as the three elder Cartwrights walked towards the porch and Joe.

“Uh… don’t know. Didn’t look.” Joe answered, his apathy apparent.

“Joe, you just gonna have to notice what’s really important in life.” Hoss blurted out, not realizing what he had said.

Ben and Adam winced at Hoss’s words. Joe thought, “Hoss, I wish that was all that mattered. I really do.” It had been a standing joke in the Cartwright household regarding Hoss and his appetite. Usually Little Joe was one of the first to chime in with a comment. It had been a while since Joe had joined in on any of the family joking. Joe said nothing.

Adam quickly tried to recover for Hoss, “Come on in Joe, we gotta fend for ourselves.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” Joe responded, not making any effort to move.

The three moved into the house, with Ben looking over at his youngest. Joe’s appearance made Ben worry. He was at a loss as to how to help. He decided Joe should come in and be with the family.

“Joseph, come along.” Ben ordered.

Joe rolled his eyes, but stood and joined the rest of his family. Lunch conversation focused around branding records and herd counts. Joe was not listening, so much of it out of his awareness. He did not hear his father speak to him.

“Joseph? Are you listening?”

“Uh… oh… what?” Joe asked, mentally returning to the room.

“I asked you if you were going to start doing as Dr. Martin had said and try to walk some on your leg?”

“Uh, yeah I will.” Joe said in less than committed tone.

“Well I think it may be a good idea for you to try, but wait ‘til one of us is around in case you need help.” Ben advised.

After lunch the three eldest Cartwrights returned to their running of the ranch. Joe moved restlessly from one room to another. He would sit for a few minutes in one place and then was quickly up and moving again. He felt like a trapped animal. Eventually he decided that he would move to the barn and go inside. He looked at where he had sat the previous evening. “It would have been so easy.” He said out loud.

He heard Cochise move in her stall, the horse so aware of the voice of her master. He looked over at her and then moved to the animal. Joe tried to talk to the horse as he usually did, but he did not have the usual affectionate tone in his voice. “Hey, Cooch. You look good. I bet you’d love to get out of here and run for a while.”

Joe knew Hoss would see to it that Cochise was exercised properly, but Joe also knew that as much as he loved to run his pony, she loved to run. When Joe and Cochise moved, they moved as one. They both traveled everywhere quickly. The paint pony had never refused a command from her master. She trusted only him, but that trust was complete. Joe felt the same about his mount. He knew that there was no other horse he could trust to allow him to do some of his more dangerous escapades.

Joe pulled out a curry comb and stood brushing his horse, although it was evident the horse did not need the attention. He attempted to focus all of his concentration on the black and white coat he painstakingly groomed. He leaned on the horse and his crutches to maneuver around the stall. He picked out already clean hooves and combed a tangle free mane. He put his head down on her back and closed his eyes for a moment. At that moment, Joe wished he could cry, but the tears had dried that day he had heard the news in Doctor Martin’s office.

He eventually raised his head and untied Cochise’s lead rope. He hobbled slowly out of the barn, the horse moving just as slowly behind him. He made his way to the small paddock next to the barn. Working diligently he opened the paddock and freed Cochise into the corral. Cochise turned as soon as she entered the enclosure as if to wait for her master to join her. “No, go on and run some. At least one of us should enjoy the freedom.” Cochise continued to look at him. “Go on.” Joe coaxed. Eventually, Cochise gave in to her desire to run and began to race around the corral. Joe stood leaning on a rail watching her. The desire to runaway filled his heart.

Joe spent the remainder of his day watching the horse and daydreaming about the past. He finally left the corral when his family returned home for the evening. Hoss, ever the faithful brother, re-stabled Cochise when he stabled his own horse.

The family dined together and then retired to the great room for the remainder of the evening. Joe occupied himself by trying to undo some stitching on an old bridle. It allowed him to expend energy pulling against leather, and it was just frustrating enough to keep his mind occupied. He was dreading nightfall and waited for the rest of the family to retire upstairs.

Eventually, Joe was left alone downstairs and he made his way out to the porch. He looked around the yard a while and then moved over to his usual place. He sat there and thought again about returning to the barn, saddling Cochise and taking off. He cursed himself for his leg being hurt. He felt it was the only thing that would stop him from leaving.

As Joe fantasized about riding away, the bunkhouse door opened and Phillips appeared. Phillips and his boss’s youngest had been meeting regularly outside. Phillips did not know if Joe would be there that night, but he had weeks ago agreed to meet nightly with Joe. Phillips knew that the kid was having great difficulties, but he rationalized his supplying the young man with alcohol as just trying to help Joe over a rough spot. Phillips did not know Joe real well, but he liked the kid.

Phillips took up his customary position next to the youngest Cartwright. The two sat in relative silence as they allowed the alcohol to remove the thoughts and feelings they both needed to escape. Joe found he was growing very accustomed to the warm feeling that took away the pain. He began to believe this was the only way he was going to live with himself.

Ben laid in bed tossing and turning. He had several things on his mind, all of which were enough to keep him from sleeping. First and foremost was Joseph. Joe was so quiet and withdrawn. He wondered if he should try and get some help outside of the family for Little Joe. He had been so certain that all Joe needed was his family. He was not as sure now. He had been encouraged by Joe talking with him the pervious night, but the morning had brought the same solemn stranger who had begun to inhabit his son’s body.

Ben also had the running of the ranch on his mind. He knew this paled in comparison to what was going on with Joseph, but knew in a way they were related. Since the accident, Ben had done little of the management of the ranch. In the past he could turn the management of the ranch over to Adam, but Adam seemed to be struggling as well. It seemed Adam was avoiding Joe, and this meant that Adam stayed working outside much more lately, rather than inside balancing the books. Ben knew his eldest was not real comfortable with emotions and tended to shy away, therefore Ben assumed Adam’s distance was due to Adam having a difficult time seeing Joe hurting. Ben did not blame Adam. It tore out Ben’s heart every time he looked at his youngest.

Ben finally realized sleep was not going to come for a while and retreated downstairs. He walked to the fireplace and stoked the fire to provide light into the room. He lit a lamp and walked over to his desk to attempt once more to balance ledgers. He worked a while and then decided to go into the kitchen for a light snack. He passed the door that had become Joe’s bedroom and decided to check on Joseph. He quietly opened the door to see a made bed. The room was empty. “Where was Joseph?” Ben wondered.

Ben remembered Joe having come in from outside the previous night and decided to see if Joe was outside once more. He opened the heavy front door and walked out onto the porch. Joe was about to finished the bottle he had escaped into and was taking his last drink when his father appeared. Ben had moved over to where his son had taken to sitting over the last few weeks and saw Joe finishing the bottle.

“What’s going on here!?” Ben shouted, terrified at the scene he was seeing. He could not believe he was seeing Joseph, slouched in a chair , with a liquor bottle up to his mouth. He saw a ranch hand next to his son, sitting with a stunned look on his face.

Joe looked over at his father and knew he was in a great deal of trouble. He knew his father had seen exactly what was going on.

“Joseph Francis Cartwright! What do you think you’re doing?!” Ben again questioned.

“Um… I was um…talkin’ to Phillips here.” Joe meekly responded.

“No you weren’t. You were drinking.” Ben corrected his son. “And you.” Ben said to Phillips, “What are you doing drinking with a boy? You will be off this ranch come sun up. Joseph, get in the house.”

“Pa wait.” Joe tried to speak. It was obvious to Ben his son was intoxicated. “Phillips didn’t mean nuthin’ by it. I was the one who told him to do it. He just was helpin’ me out s’all.”

“Helping you out, Joseph. How is this helping you out?”

“By … um…by…” Joe had no idea how to answer his father.

“By getting you drunk? Does that help you, boy?”

Joe thought to himself, “Yeah, Pa, more than you’ll ever know.” But wisely decided that was not the best thing to say to his father at that moment.

“Well, Joseph? How does this help you?”

“Just does.” Was all Joe could say.

“Get in the house, NOW!” Ben had heard enough.

Joe stood up and made his way slowly to the house. He had been able to do quite a bit of practicing regarding walking on crutches while drunk lately,

Ben turned to the ranch hand and remembering Joe had gone outside the previous evening as well. “How long has this been going on?”

“Oh,…uh… a couple four weeks or so.” Phillips knew he had to tell Mr. Cartwright the truth.

“FOUR WEEKS?!” Ben screamed. “You’re telling me that my son has been out here drinking for four weeks?”

“Uh… yes sir.”

“I ought to have you shot for this!” Ben was seeing red. How could he have not known Joe was drinking for the past four weeks? It scared him to think what else Joe could do without his knowledge.

“You can collect your wages in the morning and then get off my land!” Ben said, turning to go inside. He entered the house and slammed the front door.

Joe had stumbled into the house and sat on the couch listening to his father yell at the ranch hand and then storm inside. He felt rather dizzy and very tired. He wanted to pass out.

Ben moved to where Joe was sitting and glared at him. “I have never, never been so angry with you in my life, Joseph! You have been outside drinking for the past four weeks! You have been lying to me young man!”

“Pa, I haven’t lied about anything.” Joe said, trying to defend himself , but mostly just sounding drunk.

“Oh, you most certainly have! Every night you went out there you lied to me! I thought I could trust you, but I was wrong. This is it! I am doing what ever it takes to get you help!”

Even in his drunken state, Joe could feel the fear in him. He thought over what his father had said. He had not started drinking to upset his father, and he did not see how it could be lying. He was trying to stop thinking.

Adam and Hoss had been awaken by the yelling while Ben was still outside. They had meet in the hallway upstairs at the same time and had stayed there listening to the commotion. Finally, they both realized they may be needed downstairs to help if there were trouble and descended the stairs together.

Joe saw his brothers arrive, but was quick to look back at his father. “Pa, I didn’t lie. I just…”

“You just what?”

“I just had to make it stop.” The words were coming out of Joe before he could hold them in.

“Make what stop?” Ben asked, feeling confused.

Joe looked at his father , then at Hoss and Adam. He could not say more. He had to be quiet.

“Make what stop, Joseph?!” Ben’s tone increased.

Joe sat looking at his father, but still said nothing. He could not form the words.

The anger, frustration, and fear Ben had been holding back came out at that moment He wanted so desperately to know what was wrong with his son. He screamed, “SPEAK TO ME, BOY!”

With that Ben picked Joe up by the shoulders and lifted him off the couch. Joe was looking his father square in the eye not daring to move. Ben wanted to shake his son until he talked.

Hoss and Adam cringed at what they were seeing. Hoss tried to intervene, “Pa, maybe…”

“Stay out of this Hoss!” Ben yelled, but remaining focused on Joe.

Joe was terrified and started to shake. He had never seen his father like he was at that moment. He had no idea how to respond. His heart was beating through his chest, and he breathed in gasps.

Ben could feel Joe shaking and saw the fear in his son’s eyes. He thought to himself, “What am I doing?” He quickly put Joe back on the couch and turned away from his son.

Joe sat trying to stop shaking. He knew he had hurt his father and did not know how to fix it. He could not talk about all the things in his head. He was unable to let it out. He was more afraid of what was in his head than his father.

Ben turned back to Joe, a little calmer but still full of the energy he had felt just a few moments ago, “Joe, what are trying to make stop?”

Joe searched for the words. What could he say that would make sense? Did it even make sense to him? All he said very quietly was, “Make my head stop.”

“What? Make your head stop what?” Ben was confused.

“Thinking.” Joe revealed.

Ben realized what Joe had been doing by drinking. He felt the anger leave him and sadness take its place. He looked down at Joe and saw his son, so young and vulnerable. He walked over and sat next to Joe. “Son, you can’t do it with whiskey. You’ve got to let people help you. You’ve got to let your family help. Did nothing we talk about last night sink in?”

“Oh, but Pa, the whiskey helps the best.” Joe thought. He could not stop shaking, nor could he move his eyes away from his father’s.

“Joseph, talk to me son. Please talk to me.” Ben begged.

Joe looked at Adam and then at Hoss. He then looked back at his father. No one was going to save him from the interrogation. He began to have a look of panic on his face. He knew he could not talk to them. “Pa, I can’t!” Joe fought back.

“Yes, you can Joseph. Open your mouth and talk to me!”

Joe started shaking his head no. He had to get out of there. He had to get his father to leave him alone. He felt as if he was going to break in two if he was forced to talk. “Pa, please I can’t. Don’t do this to me! I can’t! I can’t!”

The look on Joe’s face began to scare Ben. He was seeing something coming over Joseph that he feared. Joe had a look that told Ben his son should not be pushed further.

Hoss and Adam had seen the transformation in Joe as well. Both brothers felt very protective of Joe and watching the confrontation between Ben and Joe was almost too much. Both also wondered if they would intervene and challenge their father if the scene went much longer.

“Okay, Joe. It’s okay. We won’t talk anymore.” Ben said. The tension in Hoss and Adam deflated after Ben spoke those words. They both said silent prayers of thanks that their father had relented.

Joe was trembling and could not stop. He had heard his father let him off without having to speak, but he found he was so afraid. He did not trust he could continue to hold off the questions. He did not know if he could keep away from himself and from them.

Ben wanted to be alone for a few minutes with Joe. “Hoss, Adam, I’ve got it here. Go on upstairs.”

Neither wanted to be dismissed. They wanted to make sure that their father and Joe did not get into it again.

“Pa, we’ll just stay and help you a little more.” Hoss said, not moving towards the stairs.

“No, you will do as I say and go to bed.” Ben responded.

Hoss and Adam stood for a few seconds looking at their father. Ben had a look on his face which said that he was not going to discuss it further. Both men turned and went upstairs.

Ben went and sat by Joe. “Son, I don’t mean to upset you so much. It’s okay. You don’t have to talk right now.”

Joe sat trying to calm himself. He quietly asked, “Can I go now?”

“Son, I want to help.”

“Not now, please Pa. I’ll talk to you later. Can I go?”

Ben was disappointed in Joe’s request, but acquiesced. Joe slowly rose feeling the alcohol in his head. He moved to the bedroom and quietly shut the door behind him. Ben remained seated looking at the closed door.

****************************

By the time Joe woke it was around ten. He was groggy from sleeping hard and his head hurt, both effects of the alcohol. Joe slowly dressed, rubbed his eyes and using his crutches moved out to the couch.

“Good morning, son.” Ben greeted. He had been sitting in the great room waiting for Joe to wake.

“Pa.” Joe said acknowledging his father.

“Joe, Adam’s been hanging around waiting to see if you want to go out with him to the west pasture. He said he’d like the company, and it’d do you good to get out of the house.”

“Uh… I don’t think I’m up to it.” Joe said, not wanting to spend the energy.

“Son, I want you to go.”

“This another request, or do I not have a choice?” Joe thought. He said, “Pa, really I don’t feel like it.”

“Son, it would do you good. You need to get out some more.”

“Pa, there’s not much I can do, and besides, I’m going outside.”

“I think it would do you good to do more than sit on the porch. You can enjoy the ride, can’t you?”

Ben persistence was aggravating Joe. He had no intention of going out on a ride with his older brother. If his father was not going to listen to him, then he would have to make up a reason not to go. Joe sat a while longer trying to think of a reason his father would accept for his not going out. It was not that he did not want to be with Adam. He simply did not want to be with anyone. He could not think, so he decided to test out his leg. He remembered his father’s conversation at lunch yesterday about trying to walk some on his leg, so he thought the present time was as good as any other.

“Well let me try this out first.” Joe said and stood slowly as his father watched. They looked briefly at each other and then Joe looked down at his legs. Joe took a deep breath and stepped lightly onto his injured leg. He immediately wished he had not. There was an intense pain which shot through him. He wanted to sit, but decided he would see how much he could bear. He clinched his teeth and took a step. Again the pain hit him hard. He wanted to scream out, but did not want his father to know how badly he hurt. Again, another step. He had to remind himself to breathe.

Ben sat watching Joe, wanting to come to his rescue. Joe moved slowly and with an obvious hesitation. He could see the pain in Joe's face as his son took small, deliberate steps. He knew the pain had to be excruciating.

Joe continued to will himself to keep moving forward. He knew he had to make himself walk. He wanted his freedom back. He would walk he told himself. There was no choice in the matter. He traveled slowly towards his father's office area. He told himself he could stop if he made it to the edge of the desk. That was his goal, and he was not going to stop until he made it. Beads of sweat started to run down his face as he placed every bit of concentration into his movements. His leg was going to cooperate, because he had decided it would.

Ben watched with admiration for his determined child. The determination he saw was at times Joe's greatest asset and at others his biggest liability. Ben had gone up against Joe's will many times in his son's life and, although he hated to admit it, more times than not, Joe's determination won out.

Joe reached out his hand and grabbed hold of the desk. He made his legs take him right up to where the desk met the floor. He sighed and relaxed his tense shoulders. He had made it. He put his head down to get his breath when he noticed the papers on his father's desk. He saw the book work his father had been struggling to finish. Suddenly, he saw a corner of a piece of heavy paper with the name Larson on it. Nothing else could be made out due to the papers above concealing the rest of the text.

Joe reached down and pulled out the hidden paper. His heart jumped and he began to feel like he was going to faint. He steadied himself and braced his legs against the desk. He tried to talk, but at first the words would not come. Finally he managed to ask, "Pa, what's the date?"

Ben found Joe's question strange. He had watched Joe walk to the desk, and now saw him looking at a piece of paper. Ben answered before it dawned on him what Joe could be looking at. "Um lets see, if I remember right it should be the um...eighteenth of September I believe."

Joe stood, his eye frozen on the piece of paper. "The eighteenth?!...The eighteenth?!" he asked himself several times. "Today is my wedding day...Today is my... NO!...Don't think about it!...Stop thinking about it! It isn't your wedding day! You don't get to marry her! She's gone! You killed her! You killed her! You're the reason for all of it!... Stop it! Just stop it!"

Ben saw that Joe was not moving and continued to look at what was in his hands. "Joe? What are you looking at?"

Joe did not answer.

"Joe? Son?" Ben got up and walked over to where Joe stood. He looked at what was in his son's hand and felt a deep sense of dread come over him. It was the wedding invitation.

"Joseph?" It was evident that Joe was not hearing him.

Ben stood looking at his son when the door opened and in walked Adam. Adam moved over to where he saw his father and youngest brother standing. "Hey Joe, you ready to go?" he asked, unaware of what was happening at that moment inside of Joe.

Ben held up his hand to get Adam's attention. It was then that Adam realized there was something very wrong. Ben shook his head to stop Adam from coming closer or speaking further.

"Joseph, son, talk to me."

Joe's thoughts were racing in his head, "Oh God!... I can't do this! I can't stop it!" The thoughts and images of Joe's relationship with Rebecca moved so quickly through his mind. It was as if he were trapped in a racing river.

Ben reached out and took the invitation from Joe's hand. Joe stood without moving for a moment until it registered in his mind that he was no longer holding the paper. He slowly turned his head and moved his eyes up so they locked with his father's eyes. Ben saw for a second what looked like a puzzled expression come over his son's face.

All at once Joe screamed, "Give me that! It's mine!" and tore the invitation from Ben's hands before he knew what was taking place. Joe then turned, and half ran, half pulled himself upstairs.

Ben could not believe what he had just seen. Joe had stood before him completely unaware that Ben was speaking to him. His son had gone from a painful struggle to walk to running upstairs. It was unbelievable.

"Adam, help me!" Ben called out, as he raced up the stairs after his youngest.

Ben and Adam were quickly at Joe's door. Joe was saying over and over "Where is it?" and tearing clothes out of his bureau.

“I can’t find it! Where is it!” Joe continued to look through all of the drawers and then moved his hand over the top of the bureau sweeping everything onto the floor. He then dove on top of the strewn items and started frantically hunting through them.

“It’s not here! It’s gone! It has to be here! Where is it!” Joe was panicking.

“Joseph, what are you looking for?” Ben quietly asked.

“Gone! It’s gone! It was here!” Joe looked intently through the items.

Ben kneeled down with Joe, so that he could have Joe look at him. He said in a calm, quiet voice, “Joe, let me help. Tell me what you are looking for.”

“It’s not here, Pa! I can’t find it! I put it right here!… It’s gone!… She’s gone! It’s all gone! I can’t find it, Pa!

Joe looked at his father with a look that made Ben question if Joe was at that moment sane. Ben asked “ What’s gone?”

“Everything, Pa! It’s gone! I can’t find it! Why did it go, Pa?! Why? I killed it all! I killed it, Pa!”

Ben grabbed hold of his son, “Joe listen to me. I’ll find it for you. Tell me what it is, and I’ll find it.”

“Pa, you can find it?! You can? Yeah!…Yeah, you can!” You get it and bring it to me! Then I can marry her, Pa!”

Ben’s heart sank. Joe was somewhere else in his mind. He did not know what it was that Joe needed to find, but he knew that his son was not there at that moment. “Joe, I want you to come over here with me right now.” Ben wanted to lead Joe over to the bed and put him in it.

“Pa, you gonna help me, huh? I need you, Pa. You gotta help me. I can’t find it, and she won’t marry me unless I have it.” Joe said, his voice sounding very young.

“What should I look for, Joe?” Ben asked, trying to comfort his child. He placed Joe in bed as he talked.

“Pa, you know… the ring. I can’t find it, and she won’t marry me unless I have it.” Joe said, his voice so soft and young.

Ben looked at Adam. He needed to know someone else was hearing the same thing as himself. Ben gestured for Adam to look for the ring. “Okay son. I’m looking. I want you to lie down now and rest. You need to lie down.”

“But why, Pa? I want to be with her. I’ll go and be with Rebecca now, ‘kay, Pa?

“No, Joe. You need to stay right here with me. You have to just lay here right now.”

Joe suddenly became excited again. “Pa, help me Pa! Did you find it?”

At that moment Adam discovered the wedding ring. He quickly handed it to his father.

“Here, Joseph. Here it is. You need to just lay down now and rest.” Ben said holding his young son in his arms and handing Joe his most sought after possession.

“Pa! You found it! Pa, now Rebecca’s mine! Now we can get married!” Joe took the ring and clutched it tightly in his hand. He was determined for it to never leave his possession again.

Ben knew Joe was gone from him. He had been able to get Joe to the bed and pulled him down on it. He then sat, put his arms around his son and began rocking his youngest back and forth in Joe’s bed.

Adam sat watching the scene before him. It was so sad. Joe had given into his grief and pain, almost collapsing in on himself. His brother was curled up in his father’s arms as a young child would be. Ben was stroking Joe’s hair and talking softly. Adam saw the tears in Ben’s eyes.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay son. It’s okay.” Ben repeated over and over as he rocked and stroked Joe’s hair.

The two older men looked at each other. Ben had an expression of worry and fear on his face. Adam wanted to help both his father and brother, but did not know what to do.

Joe was thinking of a wedding. He could see it so clearly in his head. He was watching her walk to him. He was taking her hand from her father’s and they were standing together before the preacher. “Stop it!” Joe said, in his head. “No! It won’t ever be that way! You’ve got to just stop it! You are losing it, Joe!”

How easy it would be for him to surrender to the madness. He could just let his mind go and eventually it would take him to a place where he would not be able to return. But madness scared him. The feeling of being lost that came when he allowed himself to travel down that path was so terrifying it kept Joe hanging on to his sanity.

He felt his father gently rocking him. It felt so familiar, but it was a feeling without words. He expected to smell rose water at that moment. “Mama?” he said out loud.

Ben’s tears were falling freely. “Son, she’s with you.”

Joe said nothing further. He lay in his father’s arms allowing himself to think of the rocking. At that moment he felt his mother’s love coming through his father.

*****************************************

Ben continued to hold his son, and Adam had taken a chair in Joe’s room. Neither wanted to leave. Joe had not moved nor spoken in several hours. The silence was disturbed when Hoss entered the room. He saw the scene before him and became pale. He did not understand what he was seeing. “Pa what’s wrong with Joe?”

Ben saw the look of fear on Hoss’s face. It was a look that matched both his own and Adam’s. “Hoss, son…” How was Ben to explain what he and Adam had just witnessed?

“What is it, Pa?” Hoss was becoming increasingly more alarmed.

Ben realized he could not talk to Hoss the way he needed to in front of Joseph. He knew he would have to take Hoss out of the room to speak. Ben attempted to move Joe off of him and Joe protested by grabbing tight to his father and clutched the ring in his hand even tighter. Joe felt that holding on to his father was what kept him from slipping over the edge in his mind. He needed to be held.

“Um, Adam, he’s not letting me go. Could ya come here and help?” Ben asked. “I have to talk to Hoss, and with Joe like this, I don’t want to do it in front of him.”

Adam moved over to where his father and Joe were on the bed. The two men worked to pass Joe from father to brother. As soon as Joe’s grasp was pried away from his father, he latched on to his brother. This was also a familiar place for Adam. He had held his brother many times when Joe was little. Adam had often felt confused about his role with his little brother. Was he a parent or a sibling? The difference in age had been a natural barrier between the two. Adam found it difficult to see the world through his brother’s eyes and he knew Joe could not see his world. The personalities did not allow a lot of open affection between them, but each needed the other. Joe needed Adam to help him over adolescence as only an older brother could, and Adam needed Joe to help him remain young.

Adam continued the rocking just as he had seen his father doing. He began to talk to Joe quietly, hoping to break through the wall that Joe had between himself and everything else. “Joe, you’re going to be okay. You need to come back to us, now. You know what it would do to Pa if he lost you? He wouldn’t make it Joe. He really needs you. And Hoss? Joe, Hoss is your best friend, you know that. He talks about the things you two have done together all the time. He’s just about to rub Cochise’s coat off keeping her looking good for you. He knows how much you love that pony. …And Joe… I…” Adam paused, trying to come up with the words to say what he wanted to his baby brother. “Joe, you know you and I fight, but I’m finding with you being so bad off, I’m missing fighting with you. I wish you’d say something right now so we could get into it. Then I’d know you were okay.”

Joe heard what Adam said, but was unable to respond. He thought of all the times he had said and wanted to say mean things to Adam since the accident. He did not have the energy anymore. He just lay in his brother’s arms knowing he was so very afraid.

Ben walked Hoss out into the hall to fill him in on what had happened with Joe. Hoss could not believe what he was hearing. He could not accept Little Joe was as bad off as his father explained. He began to think his father was exaggerating. He wanted to talk to his little brother himself. “Pa, let me talk to him.”

Ben felt it was worth a try. He recognized that there was a very special bond between Joe and Hoss. Ben knew that when Joe was little, Joe thought Hoss hung the moon. He would follow his older brother around and make Hoss show him everything he did around the ranch. Hoss had to sneak out of the house on days where Joe was home from school, and Hoss wanted privacy. Even then, most of the time Joe would find his brother and make him entertain him. When Joe was little, if someone wanted to find him, they just had to look for Hoss. The two were inseparable.

Ben had been concerned as Joe aged, how the relationship between the brothers would fair. Joe had to grow up, and that also meant that Joe would naturally grow away somewhat from his older brother. Ben had seen it happen slowly. Joe had become more private, although he knew the two boys still talked quite regularly. It seemed as his youngest grew older, the brother’s roles reversed at times. Ben saw Joe giving Hoss more and more advice, and he had noticed Joe’s ability to talk Hoss into things was amazing. Most of the time though, Ben believed Hoss willingly let himself be talked into it pretty easily, if the truth be told. The excitement that Joe sought could be contagious at times.

“Okay, Hoss it’s worth a try.” Ben said, leading Hoss back into Joe’s room.

Hoss entered the room and moved over to where he could look at his brother’s face. “Hey little buddy, can you hear me?”

Joe held tightly to Adam. He heard Hoss, but something stopped him from answering. He could not talk. He felt as if he was trapped, but it was a trap of his own making. He had to hold all of his focus on not slipping over the edge. To speak would move the focus and make him susceptible to slipping. He never wanted the quiet talking and rocking to stop. He used to want to be all grown up. It was no longer his wish. He wanted to be little again. It had never hurt as bad when he was a boy as it did at that moment.

“Joe can you look at me?” Hoss tried another approach.

Joe was staring off into nothing. He felt to move his eyes would change things and move him closer to the edge once more. He could not move. He would not move. He stared at nothing.

He tried again, “Joe, look at me now! You need to look at me! This isn’t funny anymore!”

Joe could not let himself move. It took everything inside of him to hold himself where he was. He was fighting a battle he did not understand or know if he would win. He just knew where ever his mind wanted to go-to madness, he could not let that happen.

Hoss shook his head. He had never seen anything like this before. It scared him more than he knew, “Come on Joe.” Hoss started to cry. “You gotta quit it. Just look at me Joe. Say something.”

Ben stepped to his middle son and put his arm on Hoss’s shoulder. “Hoss, son, enough. Thank you for trying.”

Hoss reached out and rubbed Joe’s head. “Come on buddy. Stop it now.”

“Come over here.” Ben said, leading Hoss to a chair and sitting him down. Ben had no idea how to take the pain away from his children.

Joe remained caught in his struggle. He was so tired, but he could not rest. Not with so much at stake. He needed to remain vigilant to his mind. He had no idea what would make him not be so afraid. He wanted to go to Rebecca, and yet he was afraid to let his mind take him there. She was in his head, he knew it. He could just allow himself to go there, and he would never feel the hurt, he would never feel the pain and he would never have to be without her. But to do this required surrendering and letting go. He could not let go. There was something in him that made completely letting go impossible.

The family sat together in Joe’s room. The only sound was Adam’s voice talking softly to his little brother. Adam hoped that by talking, he could break through to where ever Joe had gone. Adam felt exhausted, but could not stop. He felt the grasp Joe held on him and could feel his brother’s desperation.

Ben ran what he had seen happen to Joe over and over in his head. Joe had been unreachable to anyone who tried to speak with him. How were they to get through to Joseph? Ben had a momentary panic and thought “What if we can’t?” Ben continued to look for some way to reach Joe. He looked around Joe’s room and his eyes landed on Joe’s dresser and the mess that lay on the floor. He saw the invitation laying there. He had an idea.

Ben picked up the invitation and looked at it. He looked over at his son and then back to the invitation. He thought he would try something. He moved over to Joseph and spoke softly. “Joe, son, do you want me to keep this invitation for you, or do you want it?”

Joe could hear his father’s question and wanted to answer. He wanted the invitation. It was his, but he did not want to risk trying to move or speak. He thought, “Pa, give it here. It’s mine.”

Ben saw no change in Joe after having asked the question. He sat holding it in such a manner that, if Joe could see anything, he would see the invitation. “Joe, did you hear me?” Ben questioned again.

Still there was no answer from Joe. Ben attempted one thing further, “Okay Joe, I’ll take this and put it away somewhere.”

Joe’s attention began to shift focus. He had to stop his father from taking the invitation. It became more important than fighting the madness. “Mine.” Joe whispered.

“What did you say, Joseph?”

Joe spoke once more, quietly, but clearly, “It’s mine.”

“Yes it is, Joe. Here take it.”

To grab hold of the invitation, Joe would have to let go of either Adam or the ring. He did not want to let go of either. He did not move.

“Well then here Joe, I’ll keep it and you can get it later.” Ben said, trying to make Joe want it more.

“No, give it here.” Joe said, without releasing Adam from his grasp.

“Joe, if you want it, you have to reach out and get it.” Ben saw that Joe was coming back to them. It was obvious that Joe was paying attention to what Ben was saying and seemed to be thinking about reaching out. Ben felt encouraged.

“Come on, Joe. You can do it, boy.”

Joe was so afraid to move, but he wanted back what was his. It was a connection to Rebecca and he was not wanting it severed. Adam felt Joe’s hand start to release and held his breath. He had stopped talking when his father had started. He did not want to interfere with what was happening.

Joe let go of Adam and reached for the invitation. Ben did not let go. “Son, I want you to sit up here and look at me. When you do that, I’ll give it to you.”

Joe continued to look afraid, but did as his father told him. He felt himself rejoining the others in the room as he sat up. He had no idea what had happened to him, but it was terrifying. It felt as if he was waking up from a dream; moving from fog to clear skies. After he had sat up, Joe again reached for the invitation. Ben let go of it and continued to watch his son. “Joe, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He said very quietly. He then looked at Adam and Hoss. The expressions on their faces told him that they were scared. He felt scared himself and seeing their faces did nothing to take away the fear.

“What’s wrong with me?’ Joe questioned himself. He began to believe he may be going insane. He wondered if he could stay away from the madness much longer, and he was not sure if in time, he would not want to surrender to it.

He sat holding the invitation in one hand and the ring in the other. He suddenly felt very foolish. He had no idea what had made him react the way he had. He only knew he did not want it to happen again.

“Son, can we do anything to help you?” Ben questioned.

“Pa, to help I’d have to be able to tell you what was wrong, and I don’t know that.” Joe thought. He said softly, “Uh, no, I don’t think so.”

Eventually the fear in the room subsided for everyone but Joe. The other’s saw that Joe was remaining lucid and it allowed them to relax some. It was evening before Adam and Hoss finally left Joe’s room to tend to the stock and finish some business that could not be ignored. Ben remained with Little Joe in his room.

As Joe had become more coherent, he realized how badly his leg was hurting. Although he remained aware of everything that had happened that day, it was almost as if he had watched it happen to someone else. He knew he had practically ran up the stairs, but he had no physically sensation of having done it. That was, until he started to feel the pain. Once he felt it, he could not sit still in the bed.

Ben noticed Joe was agitated. “What is it, boy?” Ben asked.

“It’s my leg. It’s hurtin’ pretty bad.” Joe confessed.

“I think you put too much on it today.” Ben said, as he remembered watching Joe running up the stairs earlier that morning.

“Yeah, oh, geez …” Joe said, as the dull ache turned to sharper pains.

“Joe, I’ll go get you something for that and be back.” Ben said, leaving the room. Ben quickly returned to his son and gave him the pain killer. He then set the bottle on Joe’s night stand and sat back down. Joe waited to feel the medication overtake him. Joe was exhausted and knew the medicine would guarantee he would sleep. His eyes eventually became heavy, as the pain in his leg became distant. He allowed sleep to overtake him.

Ben sat in his son’s room until he knew Joe was deep in sleep. He pulled the blankets up over his son and rubbed Joe’s cheek with his hand. “Good night, son. I love you.” Ben said before he walked out of the room.

*********************

Joe slept peacefully for part of the night. The medicine had allowed him to sleep dreamlessly until it began to wear off. As it did, the dreams returned. Joe was again with Rebecca, and for a while, was very happy. But the dream turned, and again Joe was in agony. It ended with Joe bolting upright and breathing heavily.

It took Joe a while to shake off the nightmare. He sat trembling trying to make his head stop thinking of the dream. He sat in the darkness until his heart stopped pounding and his breathing returned to normal. His mind returned to the barn and to the conclusion he had reached while sitting in the dark wanting to die. He had wanted to wait until he was stronger, but after what had happened to him after seeing the invitation, he did not feel he could risk waiting any longer. He was not at all certain he could even do it, but he had to try. He had to try before he went mad.

Joe reached for the bottle of medicine and took a long draw. He knew his plan was going to hurt him physically, and his family in so many other ways, but he saw no other option. It was not getting better. In fact he was beginning to believe it was getting significantly worse. He did not want to risk completely breaking down. He believed he had only one chance, and that was to get away from himself and the memories.

Joe was leaving the Ponderosa. He could no longer stay with his family, nor could he remain Joe Cartwright. He had to leave it behind. If he did not leave, he felt it would drive him over the edge. He knew his family would be hurt, but to stay with them meant he would have to surrender to the madness. It was a choice he believed he had to make.

After he felt the medicine had begun to work, he moved about his room as quickly as he felt he could, given his injury. He was deliberate in what he chose to take and what he would leave. He wanted to leave himself behind. It was important to him that there be nothing of his present life going with him. Joe looked at the invitation and the wedding ring sitting on his night stand. He put the ring in his pocket and took the invitation and went over to the book shelf. He grabbed his favorite book and placed the invitation in between two pages. He took out the silver locket he carried religiously in his pocket. He placed it on his dresser. He paused briefly to open it. He looked at his mother’s picture by using the moon light for illumination. He almost changed his mind about leaving the locket, but then placed it on his dresser and hobbled out of his room.

Joe slowly and quietly made his way downstairs. He had his saddlebag with him with a few clothes inside. He walked over to his father’s desk and lit a lamp. He sat at the desk and wrote three letters. He folded the letters and wrote the intended recipient’s name on each. He placed the wedding ring on top of one of the letters and made his way to the door. He went to grab his pistol and gun belt and then paused. He took out his gun and placed it on the credenza. He opened the credenza and pulled out another pistol. He put that in his gun belt and walked outside.

He made his way to the barn and went inside. He limped to a bay mare that was stabled next to Cochise. He saddled the horse with a spare saddle as quickly as possible, and then lead the horse and Cochise out of the barn. The next step he had dreaded. He was going to have to mount the horse. He had been resting his leg for the six weeks since the accident and until the previous day he had put little pressure on it. When he had he had felt intense pain. He knew to sit a horse would be excruciating. He bent over and took the splint off of his leg. He stood and opened the saddlebag, took out the medicine and took a large drink. Joe waited until he could feel the medicine get heavily into his system. Then he took a deep breath and put his left foot in the stirrup of the bay’s saddle. With one motion he swung himself into a seated position on the horse. Joe wanted to scream out, the pain was so intense. Tears formed in his eyes as he waited for the initial pain to lessen. Finally, it lessened slightly, and he decided not to waste anymore time. He walked the bay out of the yard, with Cochise in tow. When he had cleared the house and yard with enough distance that he felt he would not be heard, he kicked the bay and was off into a gallop. The pain was two fold. His leg was throbbing, but his heart was breaking.

Joe had two destinations in mind before he was on his way for good. They were in opposite directions to each other, and he knew he would have to hurry to get away before his family woke. He headed towards Lake Tahoe and his mother’s grave. It was slow going once he was off the main road. He did not want to risk the horses getting injured and the bouncing made his leg ache, so he had to make his way carefully. He arrived at his destination before sun up. He painfully dismounted and limped to where he normally sat in front of his mother’s headstone. He had looked at that headstone so many times before, and had spent many hours talking to it, wanting frantically for his mother to answer him. He longed for her guidance especially as he stood before her now.

Joe began talking aloud to his mother, “Mama, is Rebecca with you? Is she there? I miss her so much, and I want you to take care of her. I’m so afraid right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it scares me. I wish I was with you and her. You would fix it. You and Rebecca could make it all stop hurting…

“What’s it like there? Is Rebecca smiling? I hope she is. I love her smile. She’s probably bein’ real nosy, huh? Oh, Mama, I want her back. I want her so bad. It’s not fair. Is she okay? You gotta take care of her, ’cause I can’t do it right now…

“I’m going away for a while. It’s gonna really upset Pa, and Hoss, and Adam, but I don’t know any other way. I can’t stay here and get better. There are too many reminders of how it was before the accident. Pa wants me to just talk to him about it, but something stops me. I think I’m goin’ crazy, and I don’t want to do it in front of them. Mama, look after them too okay? Pa’s gonna get all mad and stuff, and Hoss and Adam you know they need to be watched after too. They think they are always watching after me, but you know I watch after them too. Can you take care of that for me?”

Joe sat for as long as he thought he could, then slowly stood and made his way back to the horses. He untied Cochise’s lead from the saddle of the bay and limped away with her to an open area. He hugged his horse and said, “Cooch, I’m gonna be gone for a while, and you don’t need to be standing in that barn while I’m gone. I know how much you love to run, and that’s what I want you to do ‘til I get back. You stay out of trouble.”

Joe slowly took the halter off of his beloved horse. She continued to stand there waiting for him. He knew she would not leave him unless she was frightened, so he drew the pistol, and, taking a deep breath, fired it near the horse’s legs. Cochise immediately bolted and ran away. “I’m sorry, girl. You’ll be happier this way.”

Joe dropped the halter, returned to the bay, carefully mounted, and rode toward Virginia City.

*********************

Morning brought Ben downstairs and to the kitchen. Hop Sing was busy making breakfast and Ben helped himself to his customary cup of coffee. They exchanged idle talk while waiting for the rest of the house to wake. Soon after, Hoss and Adam appeared downstairs. Both immediately headed outside to tend to the morning feeding. Adam was the first to notice Cochise was not in her stall. He saw that the bay mare was also missing. “Hoss, did you put Cochise and that new bay out in the pasture and not bring them in last night?”

“No, Adam. You know I wouldn’t do something like that.”

“Well the two are gone.” It did not enter either man’s mind that Joe could have been the one to take the horses. Both had assumed that Joe’s leg would not allow him to ride.

“You think we were hit by a horse thief?” Hoss asked, wondering if that was the explanation.

“I sure hope not.” Adam said, thinking it would be terrible for Joe if he also lost Cochise. “Come on. Let’s tell Pa what’s going on, and then see if we can’t track where the horses were taken.”

Both men went back into the house. “Pa? Pa? Where are you?” Hoss asked loudly.

Just as Hoss was calling for him, Ben came around the corner from the kitchen. “What is it?”

“Pa, Cochise and that bay mare are gone from the barn.” Hoss explained.

“What?” Ben asked, confused. He immediately thought that Joe had gone out, but then thinking of his son’s injury knew there was no way Joe could sit a horse. “Did either of you hear anything last night?”

Ben had slept soundly the previous night. He had allowed himself to be comforted by the hope that Joe was probably asleep for the night, and so he had relaxed more than he had previously allowed himself to do.

“No sir.” Hoss answered.

“I’m wondering if maybe one of the hands heard or saw something. I’ll ask after we eat.” Adam said.

The three sat down for breakfast and discussed the possibility of horse thieves on the ranch. After finishing eating, Adam went out to question the hands, and Hoss went to look for tracks of the missing horses. Ben had some correspondence to return, so he moved over to his desk. His eyes caught the unmistakable writing of his youngest son. He saw three letters. Each with a name on the front. Ben developed a sick feeling in his stomach as he looked at the letter with the name “Pa” written on the front. Sitting on top of that letter was the wedding ring he had given Joe to give his bride on their wedding day. He picked up the letter and the ring. He opened the letter and read,

Dear Pa,

I know what I am doing is going to make you really mad, but it is something I have to do for me. I have to go away for a while. I’ll go crazy if I stay here anymore. I can’t escape my thoughts while I sit around the house. It hurts too much. I told you the other night that I could not stop the thoughts, well I think me going away for a while will help. I need to do this. I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t. I promise that I will come back after I have figured out how to deal with myself. I know you’ll be so mad at me, and I’m sorry. Please give me this time. I couldn’t think of anything else to do. Don’t worry about me. I know how to take care of myself. You and Hoss and Adam made sure of that. Pa, could you make sure Hoss is okay? I think he’s gonna have a hard time with this. I know it is very hard for me to go. I’ll miss you.

Love,

Joseph

P. S. I put Mama’s wedding ring on this note so that you could have it back. Thank you for giving it to me for Rebecca. It meant so much to me.

Ben collapsed in his chair. “No, no, no, Joseph! No!”

Ben’s thoughts returned to the previous day when Joe’s mind had been so far away from them. Now Joe was off, God only knew where, in an unstable mental condition. How could Joe ride a horse given his physical condition? Then Ben remembered the resolve he had seen the previous day. If Joseph wanted to do something bad enough, Ben knew he could do it. He was still sitting at his desk stunned by what he had read when Adam and Hoss returned.

“Pa, nobody heard anything last night.” Adam said, as he approached his father. He saw Ben sitting, his head in his hands and asked, “Pa? What is it?”

Ben did not speak, but held the letter from Joe out to Adam. Hoss began to read over Adam’s shoulder. “What!” Adam exclaimed, as he finished reading the letter. “He didn’t! What was he thinking?!”

“I’m truly afraid to answer that question.” Ben responded. Each man recalled the events of the previous day, and all three realized in all likelihood, Joe had not been thinking rationally. “Boys he’s left these for you.” Ben said, handing each a letter from their little brother.

Hoss opened his and looked quickly over the handwriting. It was as if he was hoping to get to the bottom of the page and see Joe had just been kidding them. He went back up to the top and read the letter aloud.

Dear Hoss,

I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I was gonna do this, but I know you would have tried to talk me out of it or would have wanted to come. This is something I have to do, and I’ll be okay. I hope you won’t be too sore at me for leaving, but I’ll come back when it doesn’t hurt so bad. Thank you for taking such good care of Cochise. I have turned her loose ‘til I get back, so she can run and be happy. I’ll miss you so much. You have to watch out for Pa for me and be a little mean to Adam so he won’t miss me quite so much. Hey, and be late for a meal or two so Hop Sing won’t miss me too much either.

Hoss I love you.

Joe

It was Adam’s turn next. He had heard Hoss’s letter and was feeling choked up. After taking a deep breath, he read his letter aloud as well.

Dear Adam,

I know you’ll think, there goes that fool kid again, and, as always, you are probably right, but I gotta do this. I wanted to thank you for yesterday and so many other times when you made me not so afraid. I can never tell you what that meant to me. I know I am mean to you sometimes, but I hope you know that I don’t mean most of what I say. I am very lucky to have you as my big brother. Please look after Pa and Hoss for me.

I love you.

Joe

The three men stood together, each with a letter from Joe, each filled with fear regarding the welfare of the youngest Cartwright.

While the Ponderosa was waking to a new day, Joe was riding towards Virginia City. He had allowed the pain in his leg to keep his mind from thinking of the hurt he was causing his family, and the hurt he felt inside. By the time he reached town, it was morning and the streets were alive with activity. He drew the horse up to the bank, dismounted by just letting himself slide off, and limped inside. He had been dreading going to he bank because of fear that Mr. Larson would be there, but he was in luck and Mr. Larson had yet to arrive. He walked up to the teller and requested to close his account. The teller walked away, looked in a ledger, and then walked back to Joe.

“Mr. Cartwright, I’m afraid there is a slight problem.” The teller said.

Joe thought to himself, “This is all I need.” He said, “Oh, what’s the problem?”

“Well Mr. Cartwright, we don’t have this much money on hand. We can’t keep this amount here due to possibility of robbery”

“There shouldn’t be that much in it.” Joe said, now very confused.

“Here’s the balance. We can give you part of it now and wire for the rest.” The teller said, handing him a piece of paper with a very large dollar amount written on it.

Joe looked at the paper and was taken aback. He knew he did not have that kind of money. Where had it come from? He thought for a minute, and then he remembered. This was the money his father was giving him and Rebecca to start their new life. Again the hurt of remembering hit him, and he tried to keep himself composed. “Oh, I know what this is. Listen there was a really big deposit put into this account several weeks ago. Give me the money that was in the account before that deposit and, uh, then I need to transfer the rest to someone else’s account.”

The bank teller willing obliged, and Joe was out of the bank quickly. He made his way to the Bucket of Blood and went inside. It was still early in the day and the only people in the saloon were ones who looked as if they had not slept. There was a high stakes game being played in the back corner. Joe walked to the bar and the bartender said, “Hey Little Joe, haven’t seen you around in a while. You okay?”

“Just fine, Sam. Listen, give me a bottle of whiskey.” Joe said.

“Kind a early isn’t it, Joe?” Sam asked.

“I’m gonna take it with me.” Joe said, and thought , “If it’s any of your business.”

Sam gave him the bottle, and Joe walked out and to his horse. He put the whiskey bottle in the saddle bag and held his breath and winced as he mounted the horse. He quickly rode out from town to the cemetery.

Joe pulled up his horse, dismounted, grabbed his saddle bag and looked for Rebecca’s grave. He found the headstone and felt his stomach turn as he read the marker.

REBECCA M. LARSON

Beloved Daughter

She Now Lives With The Angels

Born: 3/25/44 Died 8/5/62

It struck him how someone’s life could be summed up in so few words. He knew there should have been so much more written there. She had been so much more to him. Joe sat down and stared at the marker. He had wanted to talk to her for so long, and now he was near her. At first the words did not come. His mind was a blank. He was not sure he wanted to let his mind go where it needed to in order to speak to Rebecca. He opened the saddle bag, pulled out the whiskey bottle, uncorked it and took a long draw. He let the alcohol begin to work, and he started to think about Rebecca.

“Rebecca,” he said aloud. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here sooner. I’m sorry about so much. I miss you all the time. It seems everything I look at reminds me of you. When I was at the house I kept thinking of the times you had been there when we were kids, and all the parties you were there for, and all the fun times. I think all the time of the engagement party Pa had for us there, and how I couldn’t stand it that I couldn’t be alone with you then. I’d settle now for just being able to watch you for the rest of your life, even if I could never have you alone. I miss seeing you. I miss talking to you. I miss everything.

“Rebecca, I have to go away I can’t stay here. I’m sorry for that too. I am a coward I know, but I am too afraid of what’s in my head. I guess I’ve let you down the most. I couldn’t get the guts up to kill myself and be with you. I’m sorry for so much.”

Joe sat looking at the headstone and drinking. Eventually the alcohol and fatigue became to much, and he passed out on Rebecca’s grave.

By the time Joe came to, it was afternoon. He was groggy and for a minute did not know where he was. After he shook off the sleep, he got to his feet, and said one final good bye to Rebecca. He mounted the bay and rode west with no destination in mind. His only goal to become lost to himself and his memories.

************************

Six days on the trail only stopping to cat nap or rest his horse had ended Joe in California and thinking of going to San Francisco. He had been there with his family several times and knew the city. He thought maybe he would stop in Sacramento to rest for a while, and then head on into the larger city. As he rode, his leg varied in pain from excruciating to numb depending upon how little or how much he allowed the medicine and alcohol to assist him. He had made the trip slower than he had expected, but his leg slowed him down considerably. The small towns he passed through meant a chance to grab a bottle of whiskey to drink while he rode or to stop in on the local doctor and get more of the pain medicine. This allowed the pain to stay tolerable while he was on the horse during the day and allowed him to pass out into a dreamless state at night.

Joe had discovered while drinking with Phillips that the whiskey allowed him to escape himself. It was the reason he had started to drink and the reason he continued. He knew he did not like how he felt when the alcohol wore off, but the relief he felt while intoxicated was so appealing he overlooked the problems that drinking may have caused. The alcohol allowed him to sit a horse. It made it bearable to endure the pressure and jostling that was being placed on his thigh. Had he not had the alcohol, Joe would not have been able to leave the Ponderosa. Had he not been able to leave the Ponderosa, Joe believed he would have gone mad.

Joe had been through Sacramento, but knew very little of the city. He knew his father had lived outside of the city in the Sacramento Valley with Adam and Hoss before he was born, and before his father had decided to retreat to the high mountain paradise that was the Ponderosa. Joe had heard the stories of his father’s relationship with John Sutter. His father had told him how difficult it was for the Cartwrights and John Sutter when gold was discovered in the Sacramento Valley. Their land had become overrun by gold seekers. The land his father had worked hard to make into a home for himself and his two small boys was trampled. It was then that his father had decided to move himself and his young boys to the Sierra Mountains, away from the greedy mob attacking California. It was for this reason Joe knew that his father protected the Ponderosa so closely. He had lost a ranch once and was not going to allow it to happen again. His father had also taught him what running rough shod over land did to it. Joe had grown up with a respect for land that few young men his age had. It was from his father’s experience that he had learned this.

Joe rode up to the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon and painfully dismounted. He was tired and wanted to grab something to drink and then turn in for the night. He limped into the saloon, up to the bar, and ordered a whiskey. Joe did not realize he was being watched the moment he walked into the room.

A tall, gangly man in his thirties watched the young man enter. He noticed the stranger was covered with trail dirt and appeared to be quite young. He also noted the limp. He waited, watching the door to see if anyone else followed the stranger inside. There was no one. He looked towards a young saloon girl who stood nearby watching a card game. He nodded towards Joe. She nodded back and walked over to the bar.

“Howdy stranger,” she said, flashing a smile.

Joe turned to see a stunningly attractive woman. She had golden blonde hair and blue eyes. She wore a deep blue dress cut surprisingly low and appeared to be in her early twenties. Before, Joe would have immediately tried to flirt with her, but he no longer did so much he used to do. He looked her up and down and said, “howdy,” without smiling.

She was momentarily thrown by his lack of interest in her attention. She was very used to men giving her attention, especially in the saloon. She thought she would try again. “You want to join me for a drink?” She asked, slightly put out that she was having to do the asking.

Joe simply stood for a moment looking at her trying to decide if he wanted to bother with her. He thought it would not hurt to have a drink. “Sure.” He said, his voice lacking any enthusiasm.

She walked to a table and sat down. He joined her with a bottle and two glasses. He did not speak.

“So you gotta name?” She finally asked.

“Joe,” he answered.

“Joe what?”

“Just Joe.”

“So, just Joe, what brings you to Sacramento?”

He looked at her trying to think of something to say. He knew he did not want anyone to know who he was or why he was there. “Just passing through.” He said.

“From where?” She continued to prod.

“All over.” He deliberately remained vague.

“Where are you going?”

“Listen, does the interrogation go with the drink?” Joe asked, trying to stop the questions.

She looked at him wondering what was his story. He obviously did not want to tell her about himself. “Sorry, just trying to make conversation. By the way, my name is Kenny.”

Joe looked at her for a minute wanting to remain cold to her, but her smile was beginning to soften him some. “Well Kenny, you wanna drink?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” She said, smiling again. She then turned and looked at the tall man. He nodded again, and she smiled and winked.

Joe sat with Kenny making small talk. She put her hand on his knee, and he picked it up and put it back on the table. She tried to move close to him, and he moved away. He could not even think of being with a woman. Kenny was again surprised that the young man was not interested in her. She was not used to this at all. She saw him watching a poker game next to them. “You play?” she asked, realizing there was another tactic she could take.

“Some.” Joe responded.

“I know Taylor there’ll be cutting out soon. You want his seat? I can arrange it.” Kenny offered.

“Nah, not interested.” Joe said, but he continued to watch the game. It was getting late, and he knew he really should go to the hotel and get a room. But that meant trying to sleep, an activity he had grown to dread.

Joe sat a while longer debating with himself if he was going to leave the saloon. He gave into his fear of sleep and decided to play cards. When he told Kenny to count him in on the card game, he did not see her nod her head to the tall man, nor did he see the tall man make eye contact and nod to one of the player’s already in the game.

Joe’s decision to play cards that evening would come back to haunt him later.

*********************

The days after Joe left the Ponderosa passed painfully slow for his family. After finding the letters Ben, Adam and Hoss shared the same fear. Joe had walked out of the house without any of them knowing his mental state. Each recalled how fragile Joe had been the previous day and each feared the worst.

Ben had ridden into town hours after Joe had left the ranch. What Ben was unaware of was at the same time as he arrived in town, his son was passed out on his fiancee’s grave. Ben went into town on the outside chance that perhaps Joe had simply ran away to town for some time alone. He seriously doubted this, but could not sit at the ranch feeling helpless. Ben felt his frustration increase when he realized one of the primary methods he used for locating his youngest was to look for Cochise. He realized if Joe was telling the truth in his letter to Hoss, Joe was not riding Cochise. He was on a very plain bay mare. As Ben looked around town, he saw at least a dozen bay horses.

Ben immediately went to Roy Coffee’s office, but was not really certain why. He knew Roy could do nothing other than put out a wire to those neighboring town sheriffs who would be willing to cooperate in keeping an eye out for Joseph. Ben shared with his long time friend the mental state Joe had been in the previous day. Roy tried to hide his concern from his friend, but Ben read through it. Neither said what they were thinking.

Roy suggested that they look around town just in case someone knew something. As the two men walked down the street, John Larson noticed them and approached. “Hello Roy. Ben, how are you?” John questioned.

“Hello, John.” Ben said, his face showing deep concern.

“Ben, is something wrong?” John inquired.

“Uh, yes, I’m afraid so. Joe has run away.”

“What?” John asked shocked. Although he had gotten to the bank after Joe had left, John had taken care of the paperwork to close out Joe’s account and transfer the funds Joe had requested to be placed back in his father’s account. “But Ben, he was just in the bank a couple of hours ago.”

“Joe was here!” Ben suddenly felt hope. “How long ago?”

“Well, lets see. It would have had to have been five or more hours ago.”

Ben’s heart sank. That gave Joe such an incredible lead on them. “John, can I ask what he was doing at the bank?”

“Sure Ben. Joe closed his bank account. He told the teller there was too much money in it, so he had the last deposit that was made into his account put into yours. He took the rest.”

Ben reacted to the news with mixed feelings. He knew Joe did not have much money in his account, so Ben felt Joe would not be able to get very far on it, but the thought of Joe out in the world somewhere without money also scared him. Ben continued to run thoughts of Joe over and over in his mind. His son was in danger, he knew it. He was uncertain if that danger would be from outside sources or from his son himself.

Roy finally broke through Ben’s thinking. “Ben, we need to check around and see if anyone else has seen Little Joe. Let’s check the stage.”

Roy’s idea brought a flicker of hope back to Ben. If Joe had caught a stage, then they would know where he was. They worked their way to the stage office, passing the Bucket of Blood on the way. Ben looked over the saloon door, but did not go in. There was no sign of his son. The stage office yielded similar results, and Ben again faced despair.

On Ben’s ride out of Virginia City he remembered the cemetery. He rode there quickly and dismounted. He walked to Rebecca’s grave. He had no idea his son had left that spot only minutes before. Ben took off his hat and bowed his head. He prayed for two lost children: Rebecca who they had lost six weeks ago, and Joseph who they had lost that day.

Hoss and Adam immediately headed to Marie’s grave. They knew Joe would go no where without stopping there first. They had decided to go together, so if there were tracks one could head back to the ranch, and the other could follow. The men had ridden the horses hard and arrived at the graveside in record time. They both dismounted and called after their brother. There was no answer. They looked around the area and saw two sets of hoof prints. One the unmistakable prints of Cochise, but the imprint indicated that the paint pony was carrying no weight. Cochise’s hoof prints took off in a southern direction and her halter was found lying in the grass. There was another set of prints that headed northeast. It was evident that Joe was on this horse and it was these prints that Hoss and Adam followed.

The two brothers rode as quickly as they could and still follow the tracks. They quickly lost heart when they saw the tracks heading towards the main road to Virginia City. The traffic on the road would make it more difficult, but not impossible to follow. It would be if Little Joe rode into town that they would lose the tracks. They both prayed that if Joe had ridden into Virginia City, he had stopped there and their father would bring him home. Given what Joe had written in his letters, they doubted he would stop so close to home.

Hoss and Adam rode back in time to meet their father riding up to the ranch. The men retired inside to fill each other in on what had been discovered. Hop Sing stood back out of sight listening to the reports. He was filled with worry. He had feared the boy would run from his home in an attempt to handle his pain. He had hoped he was wrong and realized he was not. Hop Sing thought to himself that the boy would be truly lost if he was without his family. He prayed that the boy was not lost to them forever. He prayed harder that the boy was not lost to himself.

Ben was beside himself with worry. His worry increased as he realized what his son had left behind as he left his home. Ben had gone into Joe’s room to try and see if there was any clue as to where his son was headed. He looked at his Joe’s unmade bed. Joe had been sleeping there just hours ago. He saw the contents of Joe’s dresser strewn around from where his son had frantically searched for the wedding ring the previous day. His eyes landed on the item that made him feel despair. There on Joe’s dresser was the locket with his mother’s picture inside. This was one of his son’s most prized possessions. Joe had never parted with it willingly. That was until that day. Ben feared what it could mean.

An unusual phenomena fell over the Ponderosa any time a family member was away. The ranch continued to run, but it ran with an emptiness. It was never obvious, so that it was anything a person could put their finger on, but there would come a feeling as if something was missing. If one Cartwright was away, be it for a cattle drive or business trip, it was as if the land knew, and waited for the individual to return. It had happened over and over. As Joe left the Ponderosa, the land began it’s wait.

********************

Joe took his place at the card table. The game of the moment was five card draw. Joe anted up and began an evening of winning at cards. He sat slumped down in his chair, hat pulled down low, and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He was rather surprised at how well he was doing. Joe tended to be a good card player if he remained focused and played conservatively. If he lost focus, then he tended to lose money quickly. What had amazed him was he knew he had drunk a lot of liquor. As a matter of fact, he knew he was well on his way to being drunk. He had drunk much more than he was used to drinking while playing cards, and yet he continued to win. He allowed the tone of the game to be set by the other players, and the stakes were rapidly getting high. Joe knew he should ask to be dealt out, but he was caught up in the momentum of winning.

It was when he realized he had more than doubled his money, that he decided the hand he was currently playing would be his last. By the time the hand was called, Joe held three aces. The other’s laid down their cards, and Joe knew he had them. “Gentlemen, read ‘em and weep.” He said, laying down his hand.

The men grumbled, but knew they had lost. Joe said as he stood, “Well gentlemen, it was a pleasure taking your money, and now I must retire for the evening.”

Joe gathered the money in the pot and stuffed it in his pocket. Walking was difficult when he was sober let alone after having drunk all night, but he managed, though not too gracefully. He made his way out the saloon door and looked at his horse. “Uh oh. What am I gonna do with you?” he slurred his words as he spoke to the horse.

He did not have time to say or do anything else before he was grabbed and pulled into the alley next to the saloon. It did not register with Joe at first what was happening. There were two men, one holding him from behind, and one standing in front of him. He had not seen either one of them before. The one in front of him spoke, “Hey Sonny, give us your money, and we’ll let you live.”

Joe stood looking at the man for a moment. He was dizzy and not sure exactly what was happening, but he knew it was not good. “Go to hell.” Joe managed to say before he was punched in the stomach.

The punch doubled Joe over, and he was quickly hit again with an uppercut. This threw him back into the arms of the man behind him. Joe struggled and managed to land a punch on the man who had hit him. He was unable to move as quickly as he was used to given his leg, and ended up tripping over himself. Joe knew it was extremely dangerous for him to be on the ground with the two men standing above him. He tried to stand, but was pushed down by one of the two attackers. Joe continued to struggle and managed to kick the feet out from under one of the men by using his good leg.

Between the alcohol and the injury, Joe was not able to fend off his attackers for long. He had put up a good fight given his condition, but he was quickly overtaken. The man on the ground with Joe was able to pin him down, while the other went through his pockets removing all of the his money. “No, this can’t be happening.” Joe thought as a feeling of desperation set in.

Joe began to struggle again, hoping somehow he could stop what was happening to him. His movements angered his attackers and they fought back. It was then that he felt a rain of blows upon him. He tried to fend them off as best as he could and was able to protect himself until one of the men kicked him in his already injured leg. Joe felt the pain move through him like a lightening bolt. He screamed out and was immediately kicked again in the same place. This stopped Joe from fighting back at all, but the men continued their assault.

Suddenly Joe heard a voice, “Hey, you there. What do you think you’re doing?”

The rain of blows stopped, and the men who were attacking ran away. The next thing Joe knew there was a tall, thin man leaning over him. “Hey kid, you okay?”

Joe could only manage to let out a groan. The pain was so intense, and he fought against blacking out. The man tried to help Joe up, but the movement caused more pain. Joe screamed and pleaded, “No! No, leave me here! Don’t touch me!”

“Come on kid. You can’t just stay here. Let me get you inside.” The man said, continuing to try and get Joe to his feet. Joe’s head began to swim, and he fainted dead away.

*****************************

Joe woke to someone patting him in the face and talking softly. “Come on kid, wake up.”

As he came around, Joe immediately felt the pain in his leg. “Oh, God!” he yelled.

The intensity of pain he felt made him feel nauseous, and he clenched his teeth against crying out again. He knew his leg had been damaged badly in the attack. The alcohol he had consumed earlier did nothing to touch the pain. He could not help himself from grabbing hold of the blankets on the bed and pulling against them.

“You’re hurting pretty bad, huh kid? Well, I sent Kenny for Mr. Li, and he’ll be here soon to help you out.” The man said.

Joe spoke through clenched teeth, “Who are… you?”

“Name’s Shelby. I own this saloon and a couple a’ others around town. You were beaten outside a’ here. You passed out, and I brought you upstairs.”

At that moment Joe did not care where he was. All he could think of was his leg and how badly he was hurting. He did not think he could stand it much longer. “God, please let me pass out!” Joe prayed silently.

“Kid, I think they robbed ya. I’ll be tellin’ the sheriff what they look like, so he can start lookin’ for them.”

Joe only half heard what the man was saying. He could not concentrate on anything except his leg. Tears of pain were in his eyes, and he doubted he could hold back from screaming much longer. He closed his eyes tight and clinched his jaw harder. His hands were in fists, and he was holding his breath.

“Kenny should be back any minute now, and she’ll be bringin’ some help. You just hang on kid. I know your hurtin’.”

Joe began to want to call out for his father. He wanted his father to come and take care of him as he had so many times before. He was fighting crying out, and eventually he gave into it and moaned, “Oh, God, I… can’t… stand… it!”

Joe did not see that the man who was tending to him smiled when he heard Joe’s agony. If Joe would have seen it, he would have begun to realize he was currently in the clutches of a much greater predator than the men in the alley had been just a few minutes prior.

It was not long after, that Kenny appeared with a small Asian man. Shelby spoke, “Hey kid, this here’s Mr. Li. He’s gonna take a look at your leg and see what he can do to help you.”

Mr. Li went to touch Joe’s leg, and Joe screamed through his clinched teeth, “No! Don’t… touch…. me! God, it… hurts! Don’t touch… me!”

“I can not help you if you won’t let me touch.”

“Please don’t… touch… me!” Joe continued to resist. He knew the slightest touch was going to send him into agony.

Mr. Li pulled out a bottle and uncorked it. “Here. You drink. It make you okay to touch.”

“What… is… it?” Joe struggled to ask.

“Morphine. Take away pain.”

Joe heard “take away pain” and that was all he needed. He raised his head and willingly drank from the bottle Mr. Li gave him. After Mr. Li took away the pain killer, Joe laid his head back down and prayed the medicine would work quickly. The first effect of the medicine was nausea. Just as Joe felt he was going to be sick, he felt himself begin to distance from the pain. His mind slowly moved into a state of limbo where he was not asleep nor was he awake. His eyes moved around aimlessly and out of focus. He felt no more pain. He felt nothing. His mind was blank.

Joe laid on the bed in and out of awareness of the things around him, but his mind was at last at peace. Kenny helped the Asian man undress Joe and look at his leg. They saw evidence of where Joe’s leg had been stitched up and could see that there was fresh bruising developing all over Joe’s thigh. Mr. Li attempted to determine if there was any further damage, but Joe’s sedated state offered the man little feedback from the patient as to the extent of the damage.

After examining Joe, the three moved over to a corner of the room and talked softy. Joe only heard distant muttering.

“He okay?” Shelby asked.

“”No can tell.” Mr. Li responded.

“Look Li, I pay you good money to help me out in these, um situations. The kid gonna be okay or not?

“Think so. He gonna hurt real bad. I not doctor, so I not know too good.”

“Yeah, well you’re the one who gets paid to keep his mouth shut and patch people up. Surely you can figure out if his leg’s broken?” Shelby started to become more animated and angry.

Kenny jumped in to defend Mr. Li. “Shelby, calm down. You know the kid looked like he had a problem with that leg before you had your guys work him over. Anyway, I thought the kid wasn’t supposed to get hurt.”

“I told those two fools to go easy and just get the money away from him, but the kid started fighting back, and they got a little excited.” During the attack, Shelby had stood back and had watched the men rob and beat Joe. It had been part of his plan from the beginning. Shelby had chosen Joe as soon as he had walked into the saloon. Shelby had a plan and had begun to put it into motion. “Kenny, what did you find out about this kid?”

“Nothing. He wasn’t too talkative.”

“Well you know what you need to do then.”

“Shelby, he’s not interested, believe me. I tried.”

Shelby grabbed Kenny by the arm and twisted. “Listen, I’m not askin’. I’m tellin’. You do what you have to do, but I want to know about this kid.”

“Shelby, why’re you so interested in this kid?”

“Kenny, I know what I’m doin’. Why are you so concerned about him? We’ve done this hundreds of times. You’ve never gone squeamish on me before.”

“Shelby, you’ve never chosen someone this young.”

“That’s my brilliance, my dear. People are gonna trust this kid cause of how young he is and that innocent face. I watched him play cards and he’s pretty good. The rich idiot we fleeced during that game never suspected the kid was getting fed cards, and better yet, the kid didn’t realize he was being fed cards either. I’ll have the kid win, and then I’ll have the kid givin’ me the money.”

“Sounds good Shelby, but how ya know the kid is gonna go along with all this?”

“I got that covered as well. You just do what I tell you, and we’ll make money.” Shelby said, taking Kenny in his arms and lowering his voice. “Darlin’ you know I need your help. You’re my partner in all of this. I’m doin’ this for us, you know?” he spoke sweetly and then kissed her deeply.

After they broke their embrace, Kenny asked, “Shelby, what do you want me to do?”

“Talk to him. Seduce him. I don’t care.”

Shelby’s words upset Kenny. She wondered how much Shelby really loved her. She was getting tired of the con game they were playing, because she was the one who always had to lure the men into the web. In the past, she had been battered and beaten by their victims, and she had experienced more than her share of revulsion at having to seduce them. She loved the lifestyle that the money brought, but she paid a high price for it.

Kenny looked over to the bed at Joe. When she had seen him in the saloon she had thought Joe could be very handsome, but he looked skinny, tired and disheveled. She had noticed the dark circles under his eyes and he looked very pale. It was quite obvious something was troubling the young man, and she wanted to know his story. If he was wanted by the law, then she would have no problem taking advantage of him. However, if there was some other reason for the kid’s problems, then she was more unsure their plan was the right thing to do. Most of the marks they chose for their con were men that Kenny felt deserved what they got. She was unsure if the kid was one who deserved it. She wanted to know more about him. “Shelby, this kid looks awfully young. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

“Are you doubting me?” Shelby raised his eyebrow.

Kenny knew from experience not to push Shelby further, and she quickly backed down. “No Shelby, I’m not. I just want us to be very careful, so we don’t end up ruining the good thing we got going.”

“Little darlin’, you do as your told, and we’ll be just fine.” Shelby instructed. He then turned again to Mr. Li. “All right Li, you’re obviously worthless to me right now. I want you to leave me that bottle of morphine and be available when I need you again. You know to keep your mouth shut and stay available.”

Shelby knew he would be obeyed by Mr. Li, because Mr. Li had incurred large gambling debts and owed Shelby a significant amount of money. Shelby had already visited Mr. Li’s home once and had threatened his family. Mr. Li was a prisoner of Shelby’s will, and Mr. Li’s situation was one that Shelby had many others in which made it easy to control them.

There were many prominent Sacramento citizens who were indebted to Shelby and his will. This allowed Shelby to do just about anything he pleased, and if caught in illegal activity, Shelby was certain that the local law enforcement would be easily dissuaded from pursuing him. That was not to say that Shelby would protect those who worked for him as well. He had, and would continue to give up employees to law enforcement if he needed a scapegoat.

Joe remained floating in a medicated sea, oblivious to the plans Shelby held for him.

***************************

The Ponderosa remained in waiting for the youngest Cartwright to return. Ben had visited Joe’s room numerous times searching in vain for a clue to his current where abouts. He had not allowed Hop Sing to pick up the room or make the bed. There was something about leaving Joe’s room as his son had left it. It helped Ben feel as if Joe was simply out working on he ranch.

Ben was in Joe’s room when Adam walked by and stuck his head in. “Pa, everything all right?”

Ben looked at his eldest child, and Adam saw his father’s pain. “Adam, I am so worried. I can’t help feeling as if Joe’s gonna get hurt or get into some kind of trouble that he can’t get out of. You know how bad off he was that day…” Ben said.

Ben could not get out of his mind the picture of how Joe had been when his son had been tearing his room apart looking for the wedding ring. Ben had terrible images of his son coming apart as he had done that day, and Joe being alone in his madness. Ben knew that Joe needed someone to help him with all of the feelings he was trying to understand within himself. Ben’s biggest concern regarding Joe being off by himself, other than Joe’s safety, was Joe’s inability to understand himself at times. He had seem his son become lost in his own problems and be unable to solve them until he turned to a member of his family for help. It always seemed that it took a while for Joe to turn to his family, but when he did, he was much better able to cope with them. Ben wondered if Joe had anyone he could turn to and talk with where ever Joe was at that time. His fears were that Joe was alone.

“I know what you mean. Hoss and I were talking last night and we both just want to go out searching for him. The frustration is he could be anywhere. Pa, what are you thinking of doing?” Adam asked after seeing his father lost in thought.

“I wish I knew. You’re right that he could be anywhere. I feel so helpless, Adam. I am so afraid I’m never going to see him again.” Ben had admitted out loud his greatest fear. He was so afraid Joe was gone forever.

“I know, Pa. I have the same fear. Listen Pa, I think Hoss is having a real hard time with this. He hasn’t said it, but I know he is afraid something bad is gonna happen to Joe. Hoss keeps looking out towards the mountains like he expects Joe to come riding up any time. I know Hoss didn’t see Joe as bad off as you or I did, but I think he knows there was something bad wrong with Joe before he left. I know those two are so closely connected that he’s really hurting bad.”

“I’ll speak with him, Adam. I’m not sure if it will help, but I’ll speak with him.” Ben said in a dejected tone.

Adam heard a despair in his father that unnerved him. He had never heard his father doubt his ability to help his children. Ben had taught his three boys that family meant everything, and there was nothing that family could not overcome. Adam wondered if his father had come to doubt this. “Pa, what’s going on? Why did you say that you were not sure about being able to help Hoss? You know you’re talking to him always make him feel better.”

“Son, I couldn’t help Joe.” Ben said the tears in his eyes. “ I couldn’t make him see that he was not at fault. I couldn’t help him with the pain. I have been right where he is and I couldn’t reach him. Adam, I failed him.”

“Pa, you didn’t fail Joe. You kept trying to talk to him. It’s just Joe wasn’t able to talk about it. I saw you try to get through to him. He knows how much you love him. Joe’s eaten up with grief, Pa and he couldn’t hear you. It’s been no one’s fault. You can’t blame yourself for this, just like Joe can’t blame himself for Rebecca’s death. It has all been such a terrible accident.”

“I just want him home, son. I can’t help him if he’s not here. He needs us and you know we need him. I wish he knew how much we need him.”

Adam tried to remain optimistic for his father, although he knew the state Joe had been in when he had left. “Pa, when he gets back we’ll make sure he knows just how much we need him.”

Ben put his hand on Adam’s shoulder to thank him for his words. “Well I want to go find Hoss and talk to him.” Ben said, walking away after gently squeezing Adam’s shoulder.

“I think that is a good idea.” Adam responded.

Ben went outside and looked around the yard. He found his middle child standing at the side of the house absent-mindedly whittling on some wood. “Hey Hoss, how’re you doing?” Ben asked, looking in the eyes of his son.

Hoss had been thinking of his little brother and worrying about his safety. Hoss had always been very protective of Joe and was so worried about Joe being off somewhere without his big brother’s protection. “Tell you the truth, Pa, not very well.”

“You missing Joe?”

“It’s more than missin’ him, Pa. Joe’s been gone before on round ups and such, and he’s even run away before. But, I’m ‘fraid of how he may be fairin’ out there this time. Pa, Joe isn’t in his right mind is he?”

“Hoss, I don’t really know. I don’ know what happened to Joe, and I don’t know if it will happen again. You have to know Hoss that Joe loves you very much and he knows how much you love him.”

“But Pa, I need to protect him. Especially right now. When Joe was little and he’d get picked on at school, Pa I took care of him. I’ll never forget the time he had some kid pickin’ on him ‘cause he had no mama. Joe just cried and cried cause of that Pa, and I took care of him. Pa, he was out of his head the day before he left, and I know he can’t make it out there like that.”

“Hoss we have got to believe we are gonna get Joe back. And when we do we’re gonna help him get better.” Ben tried to convince Hoss of something he was not sure he believed himself. He prayed that his middle child could believe easier than he did himself.

“But we have no idea where he is. He can’t do it by himself, Pa. I know it, and you know it. Pa, Joe needs us and we aren’t there.”

Ben heard how bad Hoss was hurting. “We can only pray for him right now. We just have no idea where to find him, Hoss. I have Roy sending out telegrams to everywhere I can think Joe would go. We can’t just ride all over the country looking for him.”

“Pa, would you mind if I packed a bed roll and rode to a few towns and asked about Joe?”

Ben looked at Hoss for a few seconds. Hoss needed to doing something to help to feel better. Ben thought and then spoke, “Okay, but on one condition. You only go a few days ride out and then come back. You telegraph me with your where abouts as you go and you come back regardless of what you find by Friday.”

Ben was skeptical that Hoss could actually find anything, but he knew Hoss needed to go look. His middle child needed to feel he was doing everything he could for his little brother. Ben also found himself feeling just a twinge of hope that maybe Hoss would come across Joe. The two were so intune with each other that it was worth a try.

“Thank you, Pa. I’ll get ready and head on out.”

“Son, please be careful.” Ben said putting his arm on Hoss’s.

“Don’t worry, Pa. And if he’s out there, I’ll find him.”

Ben knew he’d worry. He worried every time one of his boys was away from the ranch. He prayed Hoss would be safe and find Joseph.

*****************************

The morphine allowed Joe to escape the pain, and he eventually fell off to sleep. His body ached for sleep and he welcomed the dreamless state the morphine provided. The sleep he received under the medication was the most he had been blessed with in weeks, and he remained there for long hours until his body reluctantly woke.

Upon waking, he looked around the room. He did not know where he was, but he could tell that it was probably a woman’s room. There were frilly curtains on the windows, perfume bottles on the dresser and several dresses hanging over a chair. He sat up and felt the heaviness in his head. Moving caused the pain to return to his leg full force, and he winced. He sat waiting for the pain to dissipate. “Where am I?” he questioned himself. He remembered very little of the attack or the help he was given following it.

He continued to look around as he sat up in the bed. He recalled having stopped in Sacramento and going into the saloon. He quickly realized that he had been robbed. “Great. Now what’re you gonna do?” he asked himself. He began to feel hopeless. He did not feel he could go back home because of what had happened to him in his head while there, and because of the memories.

As he thought of the reason he had left, he again reflected on the accident and his banishment to hell. He felt as if that was his destiny and the latest event of the robbery only confirmed this for him. He thought of Rebecca and how perfect it had all been. Was that all he was ever going to experience of Heaven? Was he only allowed a glimpse, so that he would know what he was missing, but he was not to be given the whole experience? Was God that cruel? He felt himself going back to the bad place in his mind that he had left the Ponderosa to avoid. He wondered briefly if there was any escape from the hurt. He told himself he would make a deal with the devil if it would let him escape his head.

What Joe had yet to realize was that his “deal with the devil” was already well on its way to being solidified.

Joe was sitting in bed thinking of Rebecca when the door opened and Kenny peered around the door frame. “Oh, hey, you’re awake.” She said brightly and stepping into the room. “How ya doin’?”

“Hey… I’m okay.” Joe gave his pat answer in his flat tone.

“You were banged up on your leg pretty bad. Does it hurt?”

Joe looked down at his leg and then back up to Kenny, “Uh… I’ll live.”

Kenny moved over and sat on the side of the bed. “I helped you last night and it looked like you had hurt your leg before those men beat you. What’d you do to yourself?”

Joe continued to look at Kenny as he contemplated what he would say. He was not about to tell her about Rebecca, the accident or anything else. “Okay, Joe think of a good one.” He said to himself. “Well I was busting some horses on a ranch and came off of one wrong. Broke my leg.” He told her feeling relieved he was able to come up with a viable scenario quickly.

“Well from the looks of it, you broke it pretty good. When did it happen?”

“’Bout six or seven weeks ago.” Joe said, but thought to himself “Is that all it’s been? Feels like it has been my whole life.”

“Oh, so you actually rode a horse here?”

“Uh huh.”

“You must have wanted to get away from where you were pretty bad then. That had to have been really painful.” Kenny probed.

Joe was becoming more uncomfortable with Kenny’s questions. He had recalled her asking a lot of questions the day before in the saloon. For a moment he felt a pang of longing for Rebecca. She had always asked him a lot of questions. Questions he never got tired of hearing and questions he never got tired of answering.

Kenny saw Joe was miles away in his head. “Hey, I asked you a question.’

“Huh? Oh, uh, no I wasn’t leaving for any particular reason, just moving on.” Joe said, and then realized he needed to change the subject. He used a tactic he had mastered with his family. He’d put the focus back on her. “So, what kind of name is Kenny for a girl?”

Kenny noticed the change in subject, but decided to go along. “Actually my name is Kendall. I go by Kenny in the saloon. It’s easier.”

“So Kendall, what’s a nice girl like you doin’ in a place like this?” Joe asked, deliberately using the pat line he knew men were always asking saloon girls.

She chuckled and said, “Just makin’ a living. I was on my way to San Francisco from St. Louis got this far and stopped. Ran out of money, met Shelby and the rest is just boring details.”

“Shelby? What’s his story?” Joe inquired, but not real interested in the answer. His leg was becoming more painful as the morphine left his system.

“Shelby owns a lot of the joints here in Sacramento. I guess he’s from money back east somewhere. I’ve been workin’ for him for a couple of years now.”

Joe was finding it harder to focus on Kendall’s words as he felt more and more of the pain. She noticed he was looking uncomfortable. “Hey, you hurtin’?” she asked.

“Um listen, I’ll be gettin’ out of here and givin’ you your room back.” Joe said, although he had no idea how he could actually walk or where he would go.”

“Are you crazy? You can’t go anywhere. You can’t walk. That leg of yours is messed up real bad. You’re gonna be lucky if you don’t have some long lasting problems with it. No you’re staying right here.”

“No I can’t.” Joe resisted. He wanted to go off by himself and be alone. He certainly did not want to be indebted to this woman. She was nice he thought, but he did not want to have to cope with another person. That was a reason he had left the Ponderosa. People were wanting him to talk to them, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He thought he would leave the woman’s room and go somewhere and camp out. Joe was going to attempt to get out of bed when he realized he had no idea where his clothes were. “If you’ll just get me my clothes, I’ll be goin’.”

“I can’t do that.” Kenny said, with a playful look in her eye.

“What do you mean you can’t do that. Get me my clothes and let me get out of here.” Joe was beginning to get angry. He was feeling trapped.

“Nope. I can’t ‘cause they aren’t here.”

“What do you mean they aren’t here? Listen I want to get out of here, and I don’t want to play games.”

“Calm down. I sent them out to be cleaned and sewed up. They looked like you’d been in them a while.” Actually Kenny had sent them out to be cleaned after she had gone through all of the pockets looking for valuables or clues regarding Joe’s background. She found neither.

“I didn’t ask you to do that.” Joe snapped. He was hurting badly and hating the feeling of being trapped.

“Well, you’re welcome.” Kenny said, responding to Joe’s attitude with her own.

Joe felt a twinge of guilt for speaking to the woman the way he had, but he was angry. He wanted out of there. “Thank you for doing that, but I really gotta get goin’.”

“You can’t walk or haven’t you figured that one out yet?”

“Yes I can.” Joe said, feeling more defiant than really believing he was going to be able to put pressure on his leg.

“Oh, yeah and I’m gonna grow wings and fly in a minute. Look you can’t walk. Just lay there and get better, would ya.”

Joe was determined to leave regardless of how much sense it made. He gathered the blankets around him and swung his legs over the bed. He took a deep breath and stood. The pain was intense and he crumpled to the floor. Kenny had stood back and watched him shaking her head. “Now THAT was about the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.” She said as she looked at Joe writhing on the floor. “Besides where you think you’re goin’ wrapped in a blanket?”

Joe could not believe how bad he hurt and this woman was being smart with him. “Oh… boy… that hurt!” He said in obvious pain.

“I bet it did. You gonna listen to me now or you wanna see how much you can stand of the pain? Maybe you want to walk down to the laundry and get your clothes?” Kenny said sarcastically.

“Just… help… me…up.” Joe’s words came in gasps.

“Okay, but I hope you learned your lesson.” Kenny said, moving over and helping Joe back into bed. After Joe was settled, Kenny produced the bottle of morphine. “Here take some of this. I bet you could use it right now.”

Joe did not ask what Kenny was giving him. He simply opened his mouth and drank it. She sat on the bed watching him as he sat with his eyes closed waiting for the medicine to work. They sat together not talking for many minutes. Finally the nausea induced by the medicine hit him again, but then it was quickly followed by the warmth and relief. Kenny observed the medicine overtake Joe. She saw his muscles relax and his jaw stopped clinching. Joe opened his eyes and looked at her. His eyes were glassy and his pupils were dilated. Kenny spoke, “Feeling better?”

“Uh huh…” Joe managed to say. He felt as if he were floating without a care in the world. “That’s some strong stuff.” He slurred.

“Yeah, it sure is.” Kenny decided to ask Joe a few questions and see if he were more responsive to them while in his current state. “Joe, how old are you?”

“How old am I?” Joe spoke with a voice that showed it was obvious that he was intoxicated. “Um… I’m seventeen.” As Joe spoke his words all ran together.

Kenny felt guilty when she heard Joe’s age. She was beginning to feel as if this kid was not going to deserve what Shelby had planned for him. “Joe why are you in Sacramento?”

“Don’t know.” Joe was vaguely aware of Kenny’s questioning him. It did not seem quite as important to him, but he knew there was some reason he did not want to talk. “Why you wanna know so much ‘bout me?”

“Just making conversation, s’all. You sure are secretive.”

“Well seems t’me that’s not any of your business s’all. S’my business.” Joe was having greater difficulty talking and his eyes were getting very heavy. “You just don’t worry ‘bout me.”

“Well I’m just trying to get to know you. You really don’t have to be so rude. I’m not trying to do anything other than talk.” By the time Kenny had finished her sentence Joe was asleep.

Kenny shook her head at Joe and pulled the blankets up. She sat looking at him for a minute wondering if she was doing the right thing by helping Shelby. She knew too little about the kid to feel totally comfortable with her decision to go along with Shelby’s plan. Although if she were totally honest with herself, she would have to admit that when it came to Shelby, she had little choice in the matter. He had decided the kid would be used, so the kid would be used.

*************************

Joe woke to a quiet, dark room. He had again slept peacefully. Much more peaceful than he had remembered having done since the accident. He had felt a deep sense of relief at not having the nightmares return. He wished he could have had the pleasant dreams he had experienced before the nightmares had started, but he was not willing to risk the bad dreams, so he usually fought sleep until it overtook him.

Joe was determined not to stay in bed. He had been bedridden for too long while at home and was not about to be bedridden and vulnerable with strangers. He was instantly frustrated because he wanted to be able to see around the room, but there was no lamp lit. He laid there trapped, knowing he could go nowhere until someone came up to the room to rescue him. That made him angry. His leg was a dull throb, but he knew it would be foolish to try and walk. He had done that too many times before, only to pay a big price in suffering.

Joe remained laying in the dark for much longer than he believed he could stand, all the while becoming more and more frustrated. He hated being trapped, and he hated being injured. Just as he let out a big sigh, he heard a man’s voice. “You awake?”

“Yeah.” Joe answered, unsure of who the voice belonged to, but hoping it was someone who could help him get out of the room where he found himself.

“Hey, you remember me from last night?” Shelby asked.

“Uh, vaguely. Can’t remember your name though. Sorry.” Joe said sheepishly.

“Name’s Shelby. I’m not surprised you don’t remember. You were hurtin’ pretty bad.”

“Listen, thanks for what you did for me. I really appreciate it. I’ll make sure you get repaid for anything you may be out for helping me.” Joe said.

“Don’t worry about it, kid. Hey, Kenny told me you want to get up and around. Don’t blame you. I got some clothes you can use, and I got you some crutches.”

Joe breathed a big sigh of relief. He was going to be able to get out of the bed and out of the room where he felt trapped. Shelby had laid some clothes on the foot of the bed and Joe was anxious to get dressed. Shelby sensed Joe’s anxiousness and asked, “You need any help?”

“Naugh, I can do it.” Joe said, not really believing it himself. He knew his leg would not tolerate any weight on it.

“Well here. Let me leave you with some of this pain killer, so if you need to move around you can. Just take some so you can do what you need to do. I know this laying around can get tedious at times.”

“Sure can.” Joe agreed. He started to move and felt the pain hit him hard. He flinched and Shelby saw it.

“Here, take some of this and then meet me downstairs.” Shelby instructed, handing Joe the bottle of morphine and then walked out of the room.

Joe uncorked the bottle of morphine and took a long draw. He had grown used to using liquor and other medicine to help him cope with the pain he felt, be it physical or emotional. He felt he was weak for using them to help him cope, but he also felt there was no other way. He could not allow his head to go where it wanted to go. He knew if he allowed that to happen, he would go insane. He needed to use what he could to escape. He had loved Rebecca so much, and he could not let her go any other way. He had resolved himself to this. He could not let her go. He loved her far too much.

As Joe remembered Rebecca, he also felt the memories fade with the drug. He felt the morphine relieve the pain, and he became numb to his mind. She was distant from him; she was gone at that moment. He found himself torn, he had to get her out of his head, but he never wanted her gone. He was at a loss to handle this dilemma. How could he hold on to her and let her go? He had no idea. “Oh Bec, I miss you so.” Joe said aloud to the Heavens.

He sat until the medicine worked, and he felt nothing. He then slowly got himself dressed and headed downstairs into the saloon. Once in the saloon he made his way to a table and sat down. Joe felt better getting out of the room and being in the bustling atmosphere. He noted there were several card games in progress and several casino games he was unfamiliar with. Virginia City’s saloons tended to cater to the poker player, although Joe had seen that The Brass Rail Saloon in Virginia City had added a couple of games gamblers were playing back east and in San Francisco. Joe thought he would try his hand at some of the others games when he felt a little better. As he thought of this, he remembered he had no money. The robbery the night before had cleaned him out. Although his senses were dulled from the morphine, he still felt the wave of panic come over him. “Oh, no.” he thought. “How am I gonna make some money? Everything I know how to do involves being able to move around, but I can’t with my leg like this. I can’t work as a hand in the condition I’m in.”

Joe realized he was in trouble. He had nothing on him he could sell to make a few dollars. He had left everything of value back at the Ponderosa. As he sat trying to figure out how he was going to take care of himself, Kendall walked over and sat down with him. “So you’re up and about. Oh, I do think though, the blanket would have suited you better than those clothes.”

Joe was not in any mood to joke with Kendall. He gave her a look that said he found no humor in her comment.

“You know you really need to lighten up some. You’re awfully serious for someone so young.” Kendall said in response to Joe’s look.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve got a few things on my mind that I need to deal with, so if you will be so kind as to go away and leave me alone, I’d appreciate it.” Joe voice held the familiar flatness that conveyed a message of apathy.

“Well maybe I can help?” Kenny suggested.

“Well maybe I don’t want your help.” Joe snapped.

“Geez! All I want to do is help you. You don’t have to be such a bastard about it.”

Kenny’s words caught Joe’s attention. He was not used to hearing a woman speak as she had, and he found it gutsy. “So how can you help?’ he asked.

“What’s the problem?”

“Because I was relieved of my money last night, I have none. The only way I know how to make money is to work as a cowhand or work horses, and as you have been so kind to point out upstairs, I am unable to do much at the moment.”

“Oh, well that is a problem isn’t it. You got any family that you can write to and maybe get some money sent to you?” Kendall suggested. She thought it clever of herself to come up with this suggestion. Perhaps now she could find out more about him.

At the mention of family Joe immediately thought of his father and brothers. He had tried to keep them out of his mind as much as possible, but it was difficult. He knew he had hurt them badly by leaving, and he wondered if he would ever feel sane enough to return to them.

Again Kendall saw Joe go off somewhere in his mind. She knew there was something the kid was not telling her and it intrigued her all the more. “Surely, you’re folks miss you, don’t they?”

Joe looked at her and resisted the urge to tell her all about his family. He had always taken great pride in being a Cartwright and in telling people about his family. But now he wanted distance from them, but more so, he wanted distance from himself. He did not want to be Joe Cartwright anymore, and to not be Joe Cartwright meant that he could not have his family either.

Joe decided upon his response. “I don’t have a family. They got… killed.”

Kenny immediately felt bad for the kid. She was surprised at his response and wanted to let the kid know she felt for him. “Geez, Joe. I’m sorry. How’d they die?”

“Wagon accident.” Was all Joe said. The buckboard accident had killed so much in him that he felt he might as well blame it for the separation from his family as well.

“That’s terrible. When did it happen?”

Joe did not want to talk about the subject any further. “Um, this isn’t solving my problem, Kenny.”

Again Kendall felt Joe change the subject. “Oh, well, let’s see. You got a horse?”

Joe had forgotten about the horse he had ridden into town until that moment. The thought of selling the horse was not very appealing to Joe, because it meant he would be even more trapped in Sacramento. But then he thought of the feed bill and knew he could not pay for the upkeep of the animal. “I really don’t want to do that, but I guess it’s an idea.”

“Wait a minute. Let’s talk to Shelby about this before you do that.” Kenny said and then immediately signaled for Shelby to come to their table.

Shelby walked over and took a seat. “Hey kid, Kenny, what you need. Oh, wait, before we get to talking, kid what ‘cha drinkin’?”

“Oh no, thanks, but I’d better not.” Although he had taken a lighter dose of the morphine, Joe was feeling it’s effects. He did not think a drink would be such a good idea.

“Nonsense, kid. I don’t trust someone who doesn’t drink with me.” Shelby said and ordered whiskey and three glasses from the bartender. “Now what’re you two talking about?”

Kenny spoke, “Joe here needs some money. Those guys who robbed him last night got all of what he had. He can’t work at his usual job as a ranch hand ‘cause of his leg, so he’s worried about makin’ do.”

“Oh, hey kid, I can help you out. I feel kinda responsible for what happened to you anyway. After all you were robbed right outside my establishment. Makes my place look bad to have something like that happen. Let me think what I can come up with here…” Shelby deliberately acted as if he was just coming up with the offer he was going to make to Joe.

While Shelby made himself look engrossed in thought, the whiskey bottle arrived on the table and Shelby pour generous amounts into the three glasses. “Here kid. Drink up.”

Joe took the whiskey and held the glass without drinking it. He was not sure he wanted anything to drink at that moment. He knew if he was going to get drunk, he had no place to go and sleep it off.

Shelby noted Joe’s hesitancy and gestured for Joe to drink. Joe gave in and drank the warm liquid. Shelby smiled and said, “Ah ha! I’ve got it. Kid, I watched you last night, and you play a pretty good hand of poker. How ‘bout I stake you, and you give me a cut of your winnings. If you play in my places, then it helps me, ‘cause it makes the place look busy. What do you say?”

“Uh… you mean play poker like, for a job?” Joe asked, confused that this man wanted to stake him to play cards.

“Yeah. You sit here and play poker. That way you keep games goin’ in my place. The guys’ll drink, so I’ll make some money off of them that way, and then you just give me a cut of what you win.”

“What if I lose?” Joe could not believe that Shelby was serious.

“I am willing to take the chance. You lose you’re out nothing, I promise, and if you win, well, we both make money.”

“So let me get his straight. You will give me money to play poker. If I lose I owe you nothing, if I win I give you a cut? Sounds pretty easy. Everything’s all legal isn’t it?”

Shelby quickly responded, “Oh, yeah. You know what they do to card sharps. That’s a way to get yourself shot, damn quick. Either that or a trip to jail. No, I run an honest place, and I wouldn’t do that to you. Look you can quit anytime you want to. You can make your money back that was stolen and then, when your leg is better, you can ride on outta here.”

Joe thought about the offer. He really had little choice in the matter. He was stranded in a strange place and needed money to leave. He was not about to wire his father, and he did not like the idea of selling the horse. He had no other choice. “Okay, you got a deal.”

“Good, good.” Shelby said. “Hey and you’ll need a place to stay. I’ve got a spare room upstairs you can use. That is if you don’t want to stay with Kenny here?”

Joe knew what Shelby was implying and felt himself blush slightly. “No, I think I’ll take you up on the spare room.”

“Suit yourself. Well you just take it easy here, and Kenny’ll make sure you have what you need. Won’t ‘cha Kenny?” Shelby said as he stood and walked away.

“Sure will, Shelby.” Kenny said to Shelby’s back as he walked away. She then turned to Joe, “See it all worked out.”

“Yeah, it did. Thank you, Kenny.” Joe said and tried to smile. He had very little reaction to his new job and felt nothing. He did though, find it somewhat ironic that he was going to be doing the job his father always seemed to refer to when Joe needed a haircut- being a riverboat gambler. Although he was not on a river, the rest of the scenario was fitting to his father’s fears. Joe ran his hands through his hair as he thought of his father’s expression and realized his hair was probably longer than it had ever been. “Fitting,” he thought to himself.

Joe’s thank you made her feel guilty. She hoped that Shelby’s plan could work without the kid getting into serious trouble or getting killed. She also hoped Shelby was not willing to take the plan as far as he had other times with other unsuspecting victims. She would look out for the kid, she told herself in an effort to appease her guilt.

***********************

Hoss rode in and out of every small town he came across. He faithfully wired his father with his location, and time after time he had to add to the wire that there was no sign of Joe. As the day approached that he would need to turn back if he was going to make it back to the Ponderosa on time, Hoss made a decision. He could not go back home yet. There were more places he wanted to check, and the image of his little brother lost, alone, and needing his older brother to protect him remained etched in his mind. He realized he had to wire his father with his decision.

PA (STOP)

I CANNOT RETURN TO RANCH YET (STOP). I AM STILL LOOKING FOR JOE (STOP) I WILL KEEP SENDING YOU MY WHERE ABOUTS (STOP) I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND (STOP)

HOSS (STOP)

Adam was in town when the telegram came into the telegraph office. He had stopped by to get the mail and was handed the message from Hoss. He read it and thought to himself, “For Hoss to go against Pa is really something. I’m not surprised though. I wish I was out there with him.”

Adam placed the telegram in his pocket and walked down the street. He turned and went into the Bucket of Blood Saloon. Adam was not regular of that particular saloon, but Joe was, and Adam had been in there to retrieve his brother many times. He found himself wishing Joe was involved in some card game in the saloon, and he was there to pull his brother out of it and take him home.

Adam walked up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Hey Adam, we don’t usually get you in here.” The bartender commented as he drew a beer for Adam.

“Yeah, well I was just comin’ in for a quick beer, and then I’m on my way.”

“Hey, I heard your little brother’s missing. I think he was in here that day he took off.”

“Really? He was here?” Adam asked, caught off guard.

“Yeah, he came in that morning. He asked for a bottle of whiskey and took it with him. I told him I thought it was awfully early to be drinking, but he wanted the bottle anyway.”

Adam’s heart fell. He remembered the scene between his father and Joe about Joe’s drinking with the ranch hand. What he had heard from the bartender made him more convinced that Joe was in big trouble where ever he was. Adam was unsure if he would share the revelation from the bartender with his father. He knew it would torture his father and there was nothing his father could do except worry anyway. Adam said a silent prayer for his little brother’s safety as he feared the worst.

Ben had been riding back to the ranch from the north timber stand. He had decided to keep himself busy by riding out to check on some trees that they would be harvesting soon. He had ridden along lost in thought. Ben was finding it harder to continue to work without thinking of Joe and oddly enough thinking of Marie. He felt himself missing her in a way he had not felt for years. The hole he had in his heart was growing, and he was unsure how to stop it. He would begin to think of Joseph and then it would quickly change to thoughts of Marie. What Ben was beginning to realize was how his youngest child had filled the hole he had in his heart after the death of his third wife. Now with both gone, he felt the loss profoundly.

Ben almost missed seeing the paint pony running with the wild herd that lived on the Ponderosa. He had been thinking of his loss when the herd crossed an open area off to Ben’s right. The movement caught his attention and he looked over just in time to see Cochise running with the herd. Ben pulled up Buck and watched the paint pony. He had watched that horse and his son ride like the wind so many times. He felt a sadness pass through him as he watched his son’s beloved horse move away and out of sight. “Joseph, am I ever going to see you again?”

*********************

Joe lost track of the days and nights, but knew he had been away from the Ponderosa for at least several weeks. He settled into the room over the saloon and began to play cards for Shelby nightly. His days consisted of sleeping through most of the daylight hours, only waking after the sun had gone down, and the saloon had really come alive for the evening. He was using morphine daily and generously to manage the pain and to numb his mind. Joe refused to allow himself to think of Rebecca or his family. If the thoughts would enter his mind, he would immediately stop himself. If he was unable to stop the thinking on his own, he would allow the medication or alcohol to assist him until he was beyond thinking.

The morphine began to function less as a sedative and more as a way for Joe to function on a flat, yet even keel. The sleep that used to accompany a dose of the medication began to become less of a factor, until the morphine no longer made him sleepy. What Joe found was, he could take a dose and remain functional, although he appeared to most people as flat and without expression. The pain he felt in his leg became very distant and between the morphine and the crutches, Joe felt he managed quite well.

Kenny had watched the kid and knew he was using an excessive amount of morphine and was drinking heavily. She began to realize that this too had been part of Shelby’s plan for the young man. Kenny continued to try and work Joe’s story out of him, and he continued to remained closed off to telling her much of anything. Kenny kept her vow to herself to be protective of the kid and tended to sit close to Joe and keep an eye out for him. Joe would sit and play cards, and she would be near, either sitting next to him or behind him. Joe was oblivious to the con that was being run in the saloon. Shelby had enough people who owed him, so that he could rotate them through his various establishments, and unless someone kept careful records, they would not catch the scam that was being run. The mark was almost always a stranger, and that stranger was usually chosen for his money and for his inebriated state.

The Sheriff made a habit of walking through the saloons and kept a close eye out for cheating. The biggest cause for concern in his city was the problems that developed in the saloons, so he tended to remain ever watchful of the potential for trouble. The Sheriff had noticed the new kid who was hanging out in the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon. The law man had already perused through the wanted posters looking to see if the kid was wanted, but he found nothing. He had not received a flyer from Virginia City with a notice to look out for a young man who greatly resembled the newest patron of the Cock o’ the Walk.

Joe had finished playing in a game that ended with him fifty dollars up. He moved over to another table to sit by himself. Kenny quickly moved over and sat with him. She signaled the bartender and turned to talk to Joe, “Hey, you hungry? You haven’t eaten much, so let me buy you supper.”

“Naugh, I had a good night tonight. I’ll buy.” Joe counter-offered. He had gotten used to Kenny usually joining him after he played cards, and he did not seem to mind it much, as long as she did not ask a lot of questions. Kenny caught on to this as well and spaced her questions far enough apart so that Joe would not become overly secretive. She tried hard not to make it so that the questions she asked would make him mad so that he would disappear upstairs.

Kenny found that over the weeks as she saw Joe on a regular basis, she found herself becoming more and more attracted to him. She would watch him play cards nightly. There were certain things he would do that drew her towards him. Joe had a habit when he was deep in thought, he would chew on his bottom lip. When he did this, Kenny would smile to herself. She had grown to find his hair to be almost irresistible. He would run his fingers through his hair to straighten it, and Kenny began to long to do that for him. She noticed that there was a quality about Joe that she was found enticing, and the more she was around him, the more she wanted to know him better. He tended to slouch in his chair, and at times allowed a cigarette to hang lazily from his mouth. She found his mannerisms to have a sensual nature to them. She wondered if he realized this about himself, or if it had just come natural to him.

Kenny also grew certain that there was something deeply wrong with the young man. She found his eyes to be very alluring and would draw her in, but when she looked in them she saw something she could not quite put her finger on. She could not decided if what she saw had always been there, or if something had happened to the young man, and he now carried the pain in his eyes. She noticed he almost always avoided eye contact with people. The dark circles she had seen under his eyes were still present and she wondered how much sleep he actually got. It was almost too much for her to not come right out and ask him what was his story. She knew to ask that question would cause him to retreat, and she had to admit, she enjoyed sitting with him too much to risk it.

Although Kenny enjoyed begin with Joe, he had little feelings for much of anything. He spoke to Kenny because she spoke to him. That was how he functioned with most everyone. He had no idea of Kenny’s increased interest in him, and if he had known, there was nothing he would have done about it. He preferred to be emotionally dead. He had resolved himself to coping with his hurt by avoiding caring about anyone. He told himself that this was now his lot in life and he felt had come to accept it.

Kenny’s attraction to Joe did not go unnoticed by Shelby. He tended to see just about everything that went on in his saloons, and he noticed the look Kenny got on her face as soon as the young man entered the room from upstairs. Shelby had decided he would let Kenny have her fun with the kid for a while, but then he would reassert his authority over her by taking the kid out of the picture. He was pleased that the marks who came into the saloon were unaware of the con being run, and he was taking up to seventy five percent of Joe’s winnings per night. He had every intention of having one hundred percent of the winning, but he would do this gradually. The kid did not seem to notice much, and Shelby was pleased the kid seemed to want to become lost in the bottom of a bottle, rather than to resist the control Shelby was putting over on him.

Kenny and Joe sat making small talk as they did every night after the saloon calmed down and the money left for the night. They ate dinner and drank together as Kenny filled Joe in on the local gossip. Joe half-heartedly listened and had no reaction to her stories. Kenny found it frustrating to talk with Joe, because she wanted him to pay closer attention to her. She decided to risk saying what she had been thinking. “Hey, Joe. You know you really should back off of that stuff you’re taking. I’m sure that it’s not doin’ you much good. And you know, you drink too much.”

“Oh, so now your my mother, Kenny? I left home to do as I pleased, and now you want to tell me what to do?” Joe said, getting annoyed at Kenny. She had voiced what he knew was true, but he was in no mood to hear it.

“I’m just trying to help you. What are you hiding from Joe?”

“Hiding? What makes you think I’m hiding?”

“You don’t talk about yourself at all, you drink all the time, and you get angry every time I ask you a question about yourself. To me that says you’re hiding.”

“Well, first off, there is nothing to tell about myself. I work on ranches ropin’ cows and breakin’ horses. What and when I choose to drink is my business, not yours, and I get angry because you don’t seem to believe me when I do answer you. Would you prefer I make up some story that is more exciting? I’m not wanted by the law, at least I don’t think I am. I have no family, and I don’t live any place in particular. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

“There is something about you Joe. You have a look in your eye sometimes that says there is more to the story. Sometimes you look very sad to me.”

Joe was increasingly uncomfortable with Kenny’s revelation. He hated it that she could look at him and see there was something bothering him. Again he was reminded of why he did not want to linger in any particular place for long. He felt he had stayed too long as it was in Sacramento, but his ability to make money seemed to be slower than he had counted on. He also knew his leg would not tolerate riding a horse for any great distance. His leg was healing, and he felt he could put some weight on it, but he did not want to risk further damage to himself. He had known the ride from Virginia City had put far too much strain on it, and that was one of the reasons it was much more painful as it healed.

The familiar feeling of being trapped set in, and Joe wanted to be released from its bonds. “So why don’t you tell me what my deep dark secret is Kenny, if you’re so sure I’ve got one.” Joe challenged.

“How am I supposed to know Joe, it’s why I asked you. I have no idea what you’re hiding. If you really are not wanted by the law, then it must be a matter of the heart maybe?” Kenny said as she started to flirt. She moved closer to him and put her hands on his collar and started to play with his hair.

Joe’s heart jumped and he prayed Kenny did not see a reaction from him. He reached up and took her hands in his. “Oh, Miss Kenny, to have a matter of the heart you’ve got to have a heart, and that my dear woman, I do not have.”

With that, Joe released Kenny’s hands and stood. He gathered the crutches and made his way upstairs. Kenny watched him leave and thought to herself. “You’re wrong Joe. I know that. You have a heart, something has happened to it. I can tell.”

Kenny had known all types of men and considered herself a good judge of character. She knew she had chosen to surrender herself to someone with bad character, namely Shelby, but she trusted her gut, and she knew Joe was a good person. She felt it. She chose to be with Shelby, and in many ways, believed she was using him as he was using her, but she did not want an innocent to be harmed in the game they played. She had never wanted that, and had told herself a long time back that, if she came across an innocent in their con, she would not go through with the game.

As much as she had wanted to believe that she too was good, and that she would stop Shelby from harming Joe as he became more caught in their web, Kenny wondered if she would indeed follow through and stop Shelby. She remained uncertain. She knew she wanted to do the right thing, but she also wanted to keep the life to which she had grown accustomed. Kenny had more money in the bank than she had ever dreamed of, thanks to Shelby, so she knew she owed him. She had been a dirt farmer’s daughter who vowed never to live as she had as a child. She would be leaving the saloons soon with enough money to live the rest of her life in comfort. It was only going to take a few more marks and a couple more cons. “Why did the kid have to show up now?” She asked herself.

Joe had made his way upstairs and went into his room. As he entered the room and sat on the bed, he thought of what Kenny had said to him. She could see that there was something bothering him, and it unnerved him. He got up and walked over to the table in the corner and stood before a mirror that hung over the wash basin. He took a good hard look at himself. He knew he looked terrible. He had spent little time looking at himself in the mirror, only shaving every fourth or fifth day. When he did shave, it was as if he actively avoided looking at himself. As he looked at himself, he thought, “I certainly left Joe Cartwright behind at the Ponderosa.”

With his hair grown out and the stubble from not shaving, he looked much more ragged and somewhat older. Joe had allowed Kenny to take some of his money and buy him some clothes. He stood looking at himself dressed all in black. “So you’re a gambler now. You definitely look the part, Joe. Pa, would be so proud.” He said sarcastically.

Joe stood looking at himself as his anger rose. He eventually felt furious and picked up a bottle off of the wash basin and threw it at the mirror, shattering it. He remained standing staring at the place where the mirror once hung as the door opened.

“Joe, everything all right?” It was Kenny who had been passing by the room when she heard the crash.

“Yeah, the mirror just exploded.” Joe said, as if that would make perfect sense to her.

Kenny looked confused and started to question further, but she saw the look on Joe’s face which seemed to tell her to not pursue that line of questioning. She had no idea what to say to him. “Oh… um… well… if you’re okay… I’ll go to bed.”

“Kenny, you want a drink?” Joe asked, moving over to the bottle on his night stand. He had no idea why he had asked her if she wanted one. He wanted to be by himself, or so he thought, but the offer seemed to have just slipped out of him.

Kenny was surprised at what Joe had asked, especially after what had just occurred downstairs and then with the mirror. “Joe, you sure you really need any more?”

“Fine, get out.” Joe snapped.

“No, wait. I just asked a question. I won’t ask again.” Kenny said, as she shut the door and moved over to sit on the bed.

Joe produced a glass for Kenny and poured her a healthy portion. He then sat on the bed and took a long draw from the bottle. He drank quietly and did not speak for a long while. Then he asked her a question. “Kendall, do you think that there are people in this world that aren’t supposed to ever get what they want?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, they get close and can see it, and then poof, it’s gone.”

“Are you talking about yourself, Joe?”

He held her look and then blinked and turned away. “Never mind. It’s not important anyway.”

“No tell me more. What are you talking about?” Kenny had become intrigued with what Joe had asked. She could tell he was very drunk and was closer to talking with her than he had ever been.

“It was all taken away, and I lost it all. You know, God sure is getting a good laugh at me right now, cause I believed it all, Miss Kendall. I believed it all. I bought what he was sellin’ hook, line, and sinker. I even bought the happily ever after crap. But you know, I’m not buyin’ no more. I’m not even gonna look in the window. He can have it all!” Joe was laughing a wild mad laugh. “I’m not playin’! I’ll take what he wants to do to me ‘cause I guess it’s what I so richly deserve, but he can’t make me play!”

“Joe calm down.” Kenny said putting her hand on his shoulder. “I don’t understand.”

“Ha! That’s makes two of us. I wonder how many others in this world don’t get it?! I wonder when the time comes when God appears and says, surprise I was just joshin’ ya! Here you can have it all back!” Joe continued to drink as he spoke.

“Are you talking about your folks? Is that what you’re talking about?”

“Hell Kenny, I have no idea what I am talking about.” Joe said, his mouth up to the bottle. “That’s the kicker, I guess. I don’t know about so much! I think that’s part of the problem with me. I trusted in somethin’ I knew nothin’ about. I believed in somethin’ that I shouldn’t have, and I got bit. Well shame on me!” he said giggling in a mad sort of way.

Joe’s talking confused Kenny. She could see he was hurting deeply and she could now understand some of the look she saw in his eyes, but what did it all mean? What was he really talking about? “Joe, what happened to make you feel this way?”

Joe looked at Kenny. The room began to spin and he felt ill. “I gotta lie down before I pass out.” Joe said, throwing himself down on the bed. “You know Kenny,” Joe’s words were slurred, but he managed to say, “Death really isn’t fair. Not if it doesn’t take you too.”

With those final words, Joe passed out.

Kenny pulled off Joe’s boots and looked down at him as he slept. He had said things that had so greatly touched her. What was it he was talking about? Was it his parents killed in the accident that he had told her about? He was carrying such a weight on his shoulders it was obvious. Kenny reached down and ran her hand through his hair. Joe did not move. She eventually laid down beside Joe and drifted off to sleep herself.

Somewhere in the darkness of the night Joe moved over and reached for Kenny. He had been dreaming of Rebecca and was lost in his love for her when he felt Kenny next to him. He was confused at someone being in the bed with him and then his mind accepted what it wanted to accept. He believed Rebecca was there with him.

Kenny woke to Joe kissing her face and neck. She moved to look at him and he began kissing her deeply on the lips. Kenny was momentarily surprised by Joe kissing her, but she quickly relaxed and kissed him with great passion. This spurned Joe on and he allowed himself to become further lost in the moment. He seemed to be unable to get enough of her, and his kisses had a desperate quality to them. She began to undo his shirt and then his pants as he pulled at her dress. Neither released the embrace they held on the other as they attempted to maneuver out of their clothes. Joe quickly moved his hands all over Kenny’s body, as it became free from its bondage of clothing. Kenny felt his broad shoulders and shuddered as she felt his hands touching her. Joe wanted her madly, but wanted the time to stand still and last forever. He was torn between quickly taking her and drawing out the passion until he could no longer stand it.

He talked softy to her as he caressed and kissed her. “Oh God! I’ve missed you so much, my love. I can’t believe you’re really here. I love you so much. I love you. Don’t go away again. Stay with me forever. I need you.”

Kenny heard what Joe was saying and was unable to answer. He touched her in ways she had never experienced. There had been so many men, but none like this. None that had actually made love to her. She was caught in the passion until he entered her and she heard him say, “Oh God, Rebecca, I love you so much!”

With that she knew it was not with her that he was making love. There was another. After they finished, Joe rolled away from her and was again lost to dreams. The memory of what had occurred between them dissolved in the alcohol and morphine in his blood. It would be to him as if it had never happened.

**************************

Kenny woke early and looked over at a sleeping Joe. She recalled what had occurred the previous night with mixed feelings. She had no regret for what had occurred, but she wished he had known it was her he had made love to. She remembered the name he had called out, Rebecca. So it had been a matter of the heart that had brought him to Sacramento. She wondered what the full story entailed. She thought to herself that Rebecca was very fortunate to be loved the way Joe seemed to love her. She wished for that love for herself.

Kenny laid watching Joe sleep for a while before forcing herself to get out of bed. She regretted the night ending, but knew the encounter had been unreal and part of a fantasy that could never be. She walked over to the side of the bed, knelt down and kissed Joe softly. He remained lost in sleep.

Kenny grabbed her shoes and walked quietly out of Joe’s room. As she turned to close the door she did not see Shelby come up behind her. “So I see you seduced our young friend.”

Kenny jumped at the voice. “Oh, you startled me.” She whispered as she walked away from Joe’s door.

Shelby followed Kenny into her own room. “So… do tell.” Shelby prodded.

“Tell what? There is nothing to tell.”

“Awe, come on sweet Kenny, you’re not gonna hold out on your partner are you?”

“Shelby surely you’re not a cad. There’s nothing to tell.”

“You mean you and Joe there didn’t…”

“Shelby, that is none of your business.” Kenny said, turning her back on him.

Shelby quickly grabbed her roughly by the arm and spun her back around. “Oh, but my dear, it is all my business. I think you are forgetting that. Do I need to give you a not so gentle reminder?”

“No Shelby, you don’t, and let go of me.” She said pulling her arm back. “Joe didn’t say anything to me about himself. He was drunk. He’s passed out right now.”

“Oh, but I am sure darlin’ you put a smile on that boy’s face.”

“Shelby, sometimes you’re a pig.”

“Awe, but you love me.” he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her roughly. She could not help but think again of how gentle Joe had been. She thought of Joe as she kissed Shelby.

**********************

The days continued to pass and Joe kept to his same routine. Shelby had begun to raise expenses, so Joe was finding himself out more and more money. Joe had felt obligated to Shelby for having helped him out when he had nothing, so Joe did not complain when Shelby started to tell him that the room expense was going to be more than he had first counted on. Shelby also presented Joe with a bill for Mr. Li’s services which Joe quickly paid. It began gradually, but slowly Shelby was retaking all of the money Joe was winning, and before long Joe realized he had very little money left.

Kenny kept her usual spot near Joe and found herself thinking often of the night she had spent with him. She was saddened when Joe never mentioned it to her. She did not allow herself to think of any kind of future with Joe, however, she knew she would not turn him down if he came to her again. She was willing for him to have her be whomever he wished her to be.

As the evening wore on, and became like so many others. Joe continued to hold his own at the card table, and Kenny entertained herself. She had taken Joe’s hat off of his head and was wearing it herself. It was a way she flirted with him, and he did not seem to mind. Joe asked her to get him another drink, and she quickly jumped up to go to the bar. As she waited at the bar for the bartender, she began to overhear a conversation.

“I’m tellin’ you Shorty his hair’s all grown out and he looks a little ragged, but I’d bet you a dollar that’s Joe Cartwright.” A man in a tan vest said to his buddy next to him.

“You mean Ben Cartwright’s kid Joe? Naugh that can’t be him. What’d he be doin in Sacramento and lookin’ like a gambler like that guy does?” the man named Shorty answered.

Kenny heard the words, Joe and gambler. She saw them looking in the direction of Joe as they spoke. “Gentlemen, I couldn’t help overhear you, and can I ask who you’re talkin’ about?”

“Howdy ma’am.” The cowboy in the tan vest removed his hat as Kenny spoke. “See me and my friend here worked the Ponderosa in Nevada a little while back, and I think that young fella sitting there is the one they call Little Joe Cartwright, the owner of the Ponderosa’s youngest kid. We were there when the kid high tailed it out of there and ran off. Don’t know why though, his Pa’s got more money than you can shake a stick at. I heard there’s a reward for information regarding the where abouts of that kid.”

“You have any idea why the Cartwright kid ran off? He wanted or something?” Kenny asked hoping to find out Joe’s story.

“Naugh! A Cartwright wanted? No, they’re respectable type people. Ben Cartwright’s a good man. He gave me and Shorty here an extra weeks wages for bringing a stand of timber in earlier than expected. The Ponderosa’s a big place so you can go weeks not seein’ no one. Never did meet Cartwright’s youngest up close, but I’d seen him in town a couple three or so times. Let’s see, why did he run off? Oh, yeah, I remember, he was supposed to be gettin’ married or something, and his girl got kilt.”

Kenny looked over at Joe and his story finally made sense. The Rebecca he had called out for that night must have been his girl. “You say Cartwright, huh? Where abouts in Nevada is this ranch of theirs?” Kenny asked.

“The Ponderosa? It’s outside Virginia City.”

Kenny made a quick decision. She did not want these men to report back to the Cartwrights that Joe was there in Sacramento. Joe had run off for a reason, and she felt she would protect him if he did not want to be found. She was very attached to him and if she were honest with herself, she would have to admit that she did not want him to leave her. “Huh, well guys, that’s not the Cartwright kid. That kid’s name is Johnny Tyler, and he’s a local born and bred.”

“See I told you Snyder, that wasn’t Little Joe Cartwright. We’d never be lucky enough to see Cartwright and be able to collect the $1000.00.” The one named Shorty said, as Kenny walked away.

Kenny prayed Shelby would not catch wind that Joe was from money, or he would be cooking up some scheme to fleece Joe and his family.

The Sheriff had begun to catch wind of a possible scam being run in several of the saloons in town. He appeared in the Cock o’ the Walk more often and started watching Joe carefully. He had seen Joe limping and walking on crutches so he assumed Joe was unable to be otherwise employed, but he found it suspicious that the young man did nothing but play cards. The sheriff thought he may just need to have a talk with the stranger.

Joe was playing seven card stud and was losing, but not badly. He had noticed his luck was episodic and he was losing more than he had when had started playing weeks ago. He was not overly concerned about it though, primarily because nothing really concerned him much anymore.

“Deal me out fellas.” Joe said as the group began a new game. Joe moved over to an empty table to take a break. He decided to get something to eat and was waiting for his dinner when the sheriff sat down at the table with him.

“Hello son. Mind if we talk?” The sheriff began.

“Go ahead.” Joe said, surprised the law man wanted to talk with him. He was cautious to speak with the sheriff, because he had some idea that his father was probably out looking for him, and he hoped this did not have anything to do with it.

“I noticed you seemed to have taken up residence in this saloon. You make your living gambling.”

“No, but since I messed up my leg there’s not a whole lot I can do right now. I’m just waiting for it to heal then I’ll be back working cattle and horses.”

“Where’d you say you’re from kid?”

“I didn’t” Joe said, beginning to get nervous.

“There a reason you don’t want to tell me?”

“No. Am I in some kind of trouble?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me kid? Is there some reason I should be keepin’ my eye on you?”

“No. I don’t think I’ve done anything you’d need to know about.”

“What’s your name kid?”

“Joe.”

“Joe what?”

“Joe DesVries.” Joe said, thinking quickly of his mother’s maiden name.

“Okay DesVries, where you from?” the sheriff continued.

“New Orleans.”

“You don’t sound like you’re from the South.”

“Haven’t been there in a while.”

“Oh, where have you been working?”

“Look, am I in trouble or somethin’?” Joe was very uncomfortable with the questions being asked.

“No, not yet. I just had been meanin’ to talk to you for a while. I want to tell you I run a clean town, and I expect you to keep your nose clean.”

“Sheriff, I am mindin’ my own business and haven’t done anythin’ wrong.”

“See you keep it that way kid. I’m keepin’ my eye on you.” The sheriff ended the conversation and walked away.

Joe sat watching the man’s back and shaking his head. “Now I wonder what that was all about?” he said aloud.

The conversation between Joe and the Sheriff was not missed by Shelby. Shelby had noticed the Sheriff’s keen eye, and knew he would have to give up the kid to the law soon in order to remove the suspicion from himself. He thought this would actually serve two purposes. One, it would get the law off of him, and two it would get the kid away from Kenny. Shelby had grown to loath the kid because of the way Kenny looked at the young man. He had told Kenny to seduce the kid, but he had not meant for there to be anymore than that between them. He could see the kid was not interested in Kenny, but Kenny was definitely interested in the kid.

Kenny had seen Shelby watching Joe and the sheriff and she did not like the look on Shelby’s face. She walked over and spoke to him, “Shelby, what are you gonna do?”

“Who me? What makes you think that I’m gonna do something?”

“I’ve seen that look before on your face. You’re gonna give up the kid, aren’t you?”

“Kenny, my dear you knew you couldn’t keep him as your own little play thing didn’t you? You’ve known from the beginning that if the law gets close, the kid gets burned. Well I’m just waitin’ right now to see if that Sheriff is gonna pursue anything. If he does, then I give him the kid. If he doesn’t you can keep him a little longer. But Kenny darlin’ don’t go gettin’ too attached. You know he’d never settle on you. After all why should he? He’s gotten what you got to give already.”

Kenny glared at Shelby and realized she despised him at that moment. She then looked at Joe who sat at a table quietly drinking himself into oblivion. “This has gone too far. Nothing good can come of this.” Kenny thought. “Joe’s not gonna be safe as long as he’s in Shelby’s grasp. I gotta help him.”

“Shelby, there is a place in hell for people like you.” Kenny said as she walked away from him and went upstairs. She knew what she had to do.

********************

Hoss had eventually returned to the Ponderosa after his search proved fruitless. When he appeared, Ben and Adam noticed how tired and ragged He looked. He had dropped weight and Ben wondered when the last time it had been that Hoss had eaten. Hoss took one look at his brother and father and wanted to cry. He felt so hopeless.

“Pa, I’m sorry. I couldn’t find him anywhere.”

“Hoss, you don’t have to apologize. I know you tried.” Ben tried to comfort Hoss.

“But Pa, I know Joe needs us. I just know it. I can’t get this feelin’ out a my head that Joe is all alone. He’s just a kid, and he’s out there with all sorts of troubles.”

“Hoss, we’ve gotta believe we’re gonna see him again. We’ve just gotta believe it.” Adam said, placing his arm around Hoss and leading him to the couch. “Hoss, you did your best.”

The Cartwrights went through the motions of their day. Each had their own specialty within the running of the ranch and each plunged into their jobs. The Ponderosa ran with efficiency, but the love for the land was missing. The love for the land developed out of the love that existed within the Cartwright family. They had all believed that they were doing it for each other, but now they wondered why they bothered. A Cartwright was missing, and they could not fool themselves into thinking differently.

Ben was sitting in his youngest son’s room when Adam appeared in the doorway. “Pa, there’s a letter for you here from Sacramento.”

“Oh, well leave it downstairs, and I’ll look at it later.”

“Pa, sitting in here isn’t helping you. Joe isn’t in this room anymore. Come on down with me, and we’ll look at the books together and get some work down.”

“Adam, I have lost him. . He’s gone. My Joseph’s gone.”

“Pa, you can’t believe Joe’s gone forever.”

“Adam. let’s face it. Joe could be anywhere, if he’s even still alive. You know he would be easy pickings if he’s out of his head.”

“Pa, stop it! You cannot even think that! Don’t you think some how we’d know if we had lost Joe for good? You gotta stop this!”

Adam’s words caught Ben’s attention. “I’m sorry son. I get so afraid some times.”

“I know Pa, we all do. Look come downstairs and lets get some work done. We gotta keep this place running.”

“You’re right Adam.”

Adam and Ben made it downstairs, and Ben began working on the running of the Ponderosa. Adam again asked him if he wanted to read the letter that had arrived from Sacramento. Ben took the letter and opened it to see handwriting in the neat cursive of a woman’s script.

Dear Cartwright Family,

I am writing you uncertain if you are indeed the people who can help me. I have befriended a young man named Joe who has been quite secretive of his past, so I am uncertain if you folks are indeed his family. There were some former hands of your ranch in the saloon where I work who seemed to recognize my friend Joe, as your family member, Little Joe. I hate to bring you such bad news, but if this young man is indeed your Little Joe, he is in very bad trouble and needs you desperately. I will describe him for you to see if he fits your son’s description. The Joe I have come to know, told the sheriff his last name was DesVries and he was from New Orleans. He told me he is seventeen, and he stands about five foot ten and is on the thin side. He has dark curly hair and green eyes. He has injured himself, perhaps while he was still at home, and he walks with a limp. The injury is to his right leg.

If this sounds like your family member, please come quickly. Joe is in deep trouble that I wish not to go into in this letter. You can find me at the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon in Sacramento. I look forward to some type of recognition of this letter. If you are not part of this boy’s family, please let me know, so I can find another way to help him. If you are, please come quickly. He needs you.

Sincerely,

Kendall Mac Masters

Ben read the letter twice and then exclaimed. “We’ve found him! Adam, we’ve found him!” Ben began to dance around his desk.

“What is it, Pa?” Adam asked, confused at the sudden emotional change in his father.

“It’s Joseph! It has to be Joseph! He’s using his mother’s maiden name. It has to be him. Saddle my horse I’m leaving at once!” Ben ordered.

“Pa, what are you talking about?” Adam asked.

“Here, read it son! Read it!”

Hoss walked into the house as Ben was rejoicing over the news of his youngest being located. “What’s goin’ on?” Hoss asked.

“It’s Joseph! There’s someone who’s found him! Boys, Joseph’s alive!”

Adam read the letter and passed it off to Hoss. He then pointed out to his father, “Pa, from the description it has to be Joe, but the woman says he’s in trouble.”

This brought a sobering effect to Ben. “Yes, I read that as well, but I have to believe I can get to Joe and help him. We know where he is, and that’s much more than we knew. I’m gonna go and get him and bring him home.”

Hoss had finished reading the letter and spoke, “Pa, we’ll go with you.”

Ben thought on this a minute, and then said, “No boys. I have to go get him alone. He’s gonna be skittish as it is, and I don’t want him to bolt. You two stay here and keep things going. If I need you, I won’t hesitate to wire you. Please wire this woman in Sacramento right away. Tell her I’m on my way, and tell her NOT to tell Joseph. Oh, and I think you’d better round up Cochise. I’m sure Joe will want her when he gets home.” Ben said, his enthusiasm not hidden from his boys.

“Pa, you may need us.” Adam said.

“Adam, I will get through to Joseph. I will bring him home. He is my son, and I will bring him to you, I promise. I was there when he was born. I have been there through all of the scraped knees and boyhood troubles. I’ll get him through this as well. Our Little Joe’ll be back, because I’ll bring him back. I can’t have anything less. Joseph will come home with me and come back to you two. We love him. He knows it, and that’s all I’ll listen to. Now, I’ve got a trip to take!” Ben said pushing through his sons and almost running up the stairs to pack a bag.

*********************

Kenny waited anxiously for an answer to her letter. She was unsure how Joe would react if he knew about what she had done, but she felt she could not risk letting Shelby do what he had in mind for the young man. Shelby was closing in on Joe, she sensed it. She was quite certain Shelby had become jealous of her attraction to Joe, not that Joe had noticed any of it, and was wanting to harm Joe. She also knew that the plan would be to set Joe up to go to jail or worse. She put nothing past Shelby.

Kenny was also worried about Joe because of Joe’s behavior. She had seen him becoming more and more apathetic and seemed destined to keep himself numb. She saw Joe taking more and more of the morphine, although his leg seemed to be getting better. Kenny knew very little about the over use of morphine, but what she did know was it was bad news. She had seen men who had become very ill without the medication after they had used it for a while. She feared Joe was getting to that place, and Kenny was unable to feel as if she could stop him.

Kenny had fought the urge to tell Joe she knew about his fiancee since she had found out about the accident from the ranch hands. She could tell Joe could go indefinitely without telling her what was hurting him so bad. She was unsure if she should even try to say anything to him, because she did not want to anger him. Joe and Kenny had settled into a friendship that she valued. She knew it meant much more to her than to him, but she did not want to lose it. She was at a loss as to how to help Joe.

The saloon was quiet, so Kenny decided to check the telegraph office. She was greeted with a telegram from Virginia City, Nevada. She closed her eyes unsure of what she wanted the answer to the telegram to be. If the people she wrote were not Joe’s family, then he would be staying, and she would have him with her a while longer. If they were his family then he would have the help he needed. Kenny knew what was best for Joe and hoped she could stand it herself.

She opened the telegram and read:

MISS MAC MASTERS (STOP)

THE INDIVIDUAL DESCRIBED IS OUR JOE (STOP) BEN CARTWRIGHT, JOEÆS FATHER, IS ON HIS WAY TO SACRAMENTO (STOP) SHOULD ARRIVE THURSDAY (STOP) DO NOT TELL JOE OF FATHERÆS ARRIVAL (STOP) JOE NEEDS TO BE DETAINED WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE (STOP) I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH (STOP) DO NOT TELL JOE (STOP).

ADAM CARTWRIGHT (STOP)

Kendall felt sad, but relieved. It was Tuesday, so she had only two days to spend with Joe before his father arrived. She walked slowly back to the saloon as she thought of how she wished her life would be.

Joe was sitting in the saloon eating when Kenny returned. She walked over to him and sat down, being careful to stuff the telegram in her cleavage. She greeted Joe with a smile, “Hey sleepy head. You’re up finally.”

“Oh yeah, I guess.” Joe said, and it was obvious that he was still half asleep, either that or heavily medicated.

“Hey Joe. Why don’t we get out of here and go for a ride or something?”

Joe looked at her as he tried to come up with a reason to not go outside with her. He was not feeling social. “No, I don’t feel like it. I gotta headache.”

Kenny thought to herself, “I bet you do Joe, seein’ as how much you drank last night.” She said instead, “Joe, please. I gotta get out of here, and I think you could use the fresh air. You look as pale as a ghost.”

“Kenny, I really don’t want to.”

“Come on. I can’t go by myself, and I really want to get out of here.”

Joe was getting the feeling that Kenny was not going to take no for an answer, and he was not wanting to have a battle with her, so he acquiesced. The two rented a carriage and Joe drove them out of town and pulled the horse up by the Sacramento River. He got down and limped over to Kenny. She had already gotten out of the carriage, and they walked over to the river bank.

“It’s nice here.” Kenny commented.

“Uh huh.” was all Joe said.

“Well you certainly are talkative. The whole ride out here I think you may have said uh huh twice and grunted a few times.”

“You didn’t tell me I’d have to talk too.” Joe said, walking away from her and sitting on a rock by the water.

“I guess I just assumed that talking would be something that was a normal part of the outing. Sorry I assumed so much.” Kenny said, her irritation growing.

Joe did not respond to her and sat tossing pebbles into the water. He was thinking of another time he had been out for a ride with a beautiful woman and ended up in a meadow.

Kenny decided she had one last time to talk to Joe before his father arrived. “Joe, can I ask you a question?”

“Uh huh.”

“Joe, who’s Rebecca?”

Joe heard Rebecca’s name and was thrown off guard. He closed his eyes and longed to be away from Kenny. He opened his eyes and looked at her for a long second before speaking. “How do you know that name?”

Kenny felt very sad as she asked him, “You said it out loud once. You don’t remember?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, it seemed she was someone really important to you. Who was she Joe?” Kenny decided to risk it and ask him the questions she wanted to hear him answer.

Joe looked at her trying to decide if he would answer her truthfully or tell her to mind her own business. He was unsure if he could actually tell her. He looked towards the river and said very quietly, “She is… she was… she was about the… um, most important person in my life.”

“What happened Joe?”

“She… she…” Joe started to answer and stopped. He looked towards the sky and closed his eyes again. He shook his head as he saw Rebecca’s face in his minds eye and then looked back at Kenny. “She died in uh… um, accident.”

“The accident you said your folks died in?”

“I wasn’t real truthful with that one. Um… my ma’s been dead since I was five. My Pa’s still alive.”

“Oh,” Kenny said, feeling guilty as she felt the telegram up against her skin. “Joe is that why you came to Sacramento?”

“Well, I wasn’t actually planning on Sacramento, and I would have taken off if I hadn’t gotten robbed, but it’s why I left home.”

“Don’t you think your family misses you? I bet they want you to go home.”

With the mention of his family, Joe again thought of his father and brothers. He did miss them and knew they were probably very upset with him. “I’m sure that’s what they want, but I can’t go home Kendall. I don’t think I can ever go back there. She’s… she’s everywhere I look. You don’t understand… I don’t even understand it. My family are the some of the best people in the world, but they can’t fix this one. They can’t bring her back, and that’s all I want.”

“I’d kill for a family like yours.” Kendall wanted to try and make it easier for Joe to accept his father coming to get him. She wanted him to realize he was not alone in his pain. “I think you’re wrong that they can’t help you. I think you need them. I know you’re not finding the answers you are looking for with the whiskey and the morphine. You’re just getting more lost.”

“Maybe lost is where I want to be. Maybe if I get so lost, then it’ll stop. Maybe I’ll get so lost I won’t care about anything, and then I can just end it.” Joe was not looking at her as he spoke.

“You mean die?”

“Yeah, I mean die. I couldn’t even kill myself. I tried it, you know. I sat in the barn back home and held that gun to my head, and I couldn’t do it.” Joe shook his head. “I really wanted to be dead. I still do, to be honest, but something stopped me. It was my family. I thought about them and couldn’t do it. Now if they get far enough away, maybe I can.”

Joe’s words scared Kenny. She was immediately relieved that Joe’s father was on his way. She had no idea he was so desperate. “You really want to die?”

“More than you’ll ever know, Kendall. More than you’ll ever know.”

“Do you think that is what Rebecca would want?” Kenny said aloud and thought to herself, “If you were mine, I would never want that for you.”

Joe turned and looked at her, his tone of voice getting more harsh. “You know I don’t get the privilege of knowing what Rebecca wants ever again.”

“I can’t believe someone who loved you as much as you say she did, would want you dead. I don’t believe that Joe, and if you were honest, you’d have to admit that she would not want you dead. If it had been you who had died, would you want her to kill herself?”

Kenny’s words were hitting Joe hard. He wanted her to shut up and leave him alone. “Kenny, this discussion’s over.” Joe said, as he stood up and limped farther away from her.

“Why are you walking away, Joe? You know I’m right?” Kenny wanted to get through to him. His revelation about wanting to die had made her fearful, and she wanted to stop him from thinking as he was. She walked after him.

“Kenny, I’d advise you to leave me alone right now.” Joe said in a cold manner.

“Why Joe? So you can keep feeling sorry for yourself? Well, guess what kiddo, people die all the time, and people leave you! You can either roll over and die like you’ve decided to do, or you can fight back! You can hold on tight and love every minute you get with someone! Joe, you’re such a child!”

“Kenny, you say one more word, and I’m not gonna be responsible for what I do! Now leave me alone!”

“Joe, I can walk a lot faster than you can move, and you don’t scare me one bit. Now stop being such a child and sit down and talk to me.” Kenny said, grabbing Joe’s arm and turning him around to look at her.

“Kenny, I told you the conversation is over and I meant it. I owe you nothing! I want to be alone! I don’t want you in my life. I didn’t ask for it. All I want is to be left the hell alone! Is that so hard for you to understand? !” Joe was furious and was not thinking about what he was saying. He was feeling cornered by Kenny and wanted her to back off. “What do you know anyway? You’re some saloon girl who gets paid to take men upstairs.”

Kenny pulled back her hand and slapped Joe across the face. It caught Joe off guard, and he stood there with a shocked look on his face. Kenny began to cry as she spoke, “Listen here. You may think what you’d like about me. Believe me, there is nothing you can think about me, I have not thought about myself. But you need to realize one thing, Joe. I may make money being with men, and that may make me dirty to you, but at least I’m honest with you. More honest than you are with yourself. I happen to think those are the types of qualities that are important. So you just go on and drown yourself in booze and drink so much of that morphine you choke on it. That’s what you deserve.” With that Kenny turned and walked back towards the carriage.

Joe immediately felt bad about what he had said to Kenny. He had not meant to be so hateful. He knew he had said something that was terribly cruel. He wanted to go after her, but he believed keeping her away from him was what he had to do to protect himself. What she had said to him had been true. He knew that, but it was also the words he had been avoiding for so long. He remained standing looking out at the river wishing he was on it, floating away.

Kenny walked to the carriage and lifted herself into it and sat down. She was hurt by what Joe had said to her and wished things had been different. She wished she had been the love of Joe’s life, and he was there with her forever. She sat looking at him as he stared at the river. She watched him reach into his pocket and pull out the bottle of morphine. She saw him look at it, and he seemed to be contemplating something. She hoped he would throw the bottle in the river, but she watched him take a drink instead.

*********************

Thursday quickly approached and Kenny found herself trying to keep her mind off of Joe’s father’s arrival. She and Joe had returned from the river without speaking to one another, but eventually the silence was broken and Joe apologized for what he had said. Kenny spent as much time with Joe as she could and found herself watching the saloon door in anticipation of Mr. Cartwright’s appearance.

Thursday evening found the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon loud and boisterous. Ben had ridden Buck hard to Sacramento and was feeling the fatigue of days on the trail and too little sleep. He had spent much of that day attempting to plan how he would get Joseph to come home willingly. Ben did not want to have to drag Joe back to the Ponderosa, but he knew he would, if that was what it took to have his son home safe and sound.

Ben dismounted and tied Buck to the hitching post. He walked quickly into the saloon and his eyes scanned the room. He heard a voice he knew so well and turned towards it. His eyes landed on a sight he could not believe he was seeing. In the corner of the saloon he saw a card game in progress. There were four men sitting playing cards and one of them belonged to the voice Ben recognized. Sitting at the table was Joe, but he did not look like his son. Ben was taken aback at his son’s appearance.

Joe sat slouched in his chair. His hair was quite long and he had not shaved in several days. He was dressed in black, and he had a cigarette in his mouth. Joe looked pale and thin. Sitting on the right arm of his chair was a saloon girl. She had her arm around Joe’s shoulders and she was absentmindedly played with his hair.

Ben was in shock. He knew it was his son he was looking at, but he could not believe it. He took a seat back out of the way, so that Joe could not see him. He sat and watched his son while he tried to think of the best way to handle the situation.

Joe was playing seven card stud and was losing quite heavily. He was not paying close attention to the game, and his playing showed it. He was also not being dealt cards that would produce a winning hand. Kenny was watching him play as she usually did and saw that Joe was having a bad night. She knew that the poor night at the poker table was compliments of Shelby, and she glared at him when he looked at her.

“Looks like this is not my night.” Joe said to no one in particular as he threw down his cards. “Hey Kendall, could ya get me a drink?”

Kenny was quickly up and to the bar. Ben had heard Joe say the woman’s name and he realized that this was the woman who had written him. After seeing his son, he knew she had not written too soon. Ben continued his watch. He had started to notice something interesting about the card game being played. He was unsure, but it looked to him as if the current dealer was dealing every so often from the bottom of the deck. The dealer was very quick, and it was hard to follow all of his movements, but once in a while Ben would see it. But what did not make immediate sense to him was that the man who currently functioned as the dealer had not given himself the winning hand. It had gone to Joseph. Ben heard Joe pick up the pot with a pair of Kings. Ben had a bad feeling regarding the card game his son was involved in.

The evening wore on and Ben watched Joe drink and gamble. Ben was at a loss to know what he should do. He felt perhaps he needed to speak with the woman before he approached Joseph. He was also not wanting to have a scene in the saloon with his son. Ben was not fooling himself. He knew Joe was going to resist. He did not want to have Joe drunk while he resisted. Ben made a difficult decision. As hard as it was to let Joe be lost for one more minute, he would wait for morning to approach his son and take him home. He felt maybe that gave him the best chance at reasoning with him.

Joe had drank the drink Kenny had given him, as well as many others. He was tired and dizzy and ready to call it a night. “Well gentlemen, I shall leave you to the game. I’m pretty much tapped out, and I guess I must wait for another night to get my money back from you vultures.” Joe said and stood to leave.

Kenny was promptly there with Joe and he leaned on her for balance. Ben noticed his son’s limp and wanted to rush over to him. It took everything he had to remain seated. Ben sat and watched as his son put his arm around Kendall and ascended the stairs to the second floor.

Kenny helped Joe to his room as she had grown accustomed to doing when Joe had drank too much and was off balance. She walked him into the room, and Joe quickly plopped onto the bed. He was just about asleep by the time his head hit the pillow and passed out as Kenny took off his boots. She picked up a blanket off of the floor and covered Joe and then left the room.

Kendall made her way to her own room and went inside. She had been surprised that Joe’s father had yet to appear. She had felt anxious all day as she waited for his arrival. She undressed herself and put on her most expensive negligee. Whenever she felt sad or down she found wearing something expensive lifted her spirits. She had also found it was not working this time.

The night passed slowly as Kenny tried to sleep. She tossed and turned and eventually admitted to herself that she was not going to be able to sleep for a while. She began to want to go down the hall to Joe, but she hesitated. She knew in her head it would not be right. She told herself she needed to let him go, but she was having a difficult time. Finally she gave into her heart and walked down the hall.

The room was quiet as she entered. She could hear him breathing as she moved over to the bed and sat down. He did not move. She reach up and ran her hand over his face and resisted the urge to kiss him. She had a momentary surge of guilt at being there, but she quieted it within her and laid down next to him. Kenny laid looking at Joe and wanting him to reach out to her. She wondered what he would do if he knew it was her that was there with him. She did not think she could bear it if he rejected her.

Kenny moved Joe’s arm so that she was resting on his shoulder. She listened to him breathe and found herself beginning to cry. She knew she was going to have to say good bye to him, and she did not want to do it. She had found that his arrival in Sacramento had changed her. She no longer could use people the way she had grown so used to doing. She had forgotten there were innocents in the world that did not deserve to have the pain she and Shelby had doled out thoughtlessly. He had reminded her of this. She had found her compassion again. She had found her heart again.

She thought it sad that Joe was oblivious to how he had helped her with his story, and she wondered if he would ever know. It was something she hoped she could tell him some day. She just prayed he would not hate her when he found out how he had been used by Shelby and by herself.

Kenny eventually fell off to sleep herself. Again it happened as it had the previous time Joe had reached for her. Joe was with Rebecca in his mind and Kenny was with Joe. As he made love to her she allowed herself to believe he loved her, and she showed him how much she had grown to love him. Joe’s words of love for Rebecca, Kenny told herself, were actually meant for her. His caresses that he believed were for Rebecca, Kenny convinced herself, was actually his desire for her. His passion was for Rebecca, but Kenny allowed herself for the time he made love to her body, to believe he was in love with her. For the time he was with her, she was in Heaven.

*******************

Ben Cartwright had spent a sleepless night thinking and rethinking how he would handle Joe. He had no solid plan when the sun rose and he lifted himself from the chair he had sat in the entire night. Ben had gotten a room in a hotel across the street from the Cock o’ the Walk. His bed had remained undisturbed as he had taken a chair at the window and stared across the street at the saloon. He could not get the image of Joe sitting at the poker table out of his head, He could not have dreamed of a worse picture to see than how Joseph had looked to him. He prayed Joseph’s mental state was better than his physical one.

Ben had waited just as long as he could stand before he walked over to the saloon. He walked up to a very tired looking bartender and asked, “I’m looking for someone, maybe you can help me. There was a young man in here last night who was playing cards at that table there. He went upstairs at the end of the evening. Can you by chance tell me where I can find him?”

“Depends. What you want him for?”

“Um, well, he’s uh, he’s my son.”

“You’re Joe’s Pa? Oh well then, he’s upstairs first door on the right.”

“Oh, and I am looking for a young woman named Kendall Mac Masters. Can you tell me where I can find her as well?”

“Kenny? Oh she’s just the next door down. Same side.”

“Thank you.” Ben said, trying to hold back from running up the stairs.

Shelby had overheard the man’s questions to his bartender. He thought to himself, “So ol’ Joe’s Pa’s in town, eh? This could get very interesting.”

Shelby quietly followed Ben up the stairs and remained in the shadows as Ben knocked on the door.

Kenny was awakened by the knock at the door. She quickly threw on her negligee and grabbed her robe. Joe did not move. She quietly answered the door. “Yes?” she whispered.

Ben was surprised that a woman had opened the door. He was embarrassed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I had my son’s room. Forgive me.”

“Mr. Cartwright?” Kenny asked sheepishly.

“Yes, and you must be Kendall.”

“Yes I am. Let me put some uh clothes on, and I’ll meet you downstairs. I’d like to talk to you before you talk to Joe. There are a couple of things you need to know.”

“Certainly, but where’s my son?”

It was Kenny’s turn to be embarrassed. “Um, he’s here… uh he’s asleep still.”

Ben had no idea what to say. Was she telling him Joe was in the room with her? “Oh good Lord give me strength.” Ben thought. He said, “I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Yes of course.”

Ben looked at the doorway just in time to see Kenny turn away from the door. That allowed Ben to catch sight of his son. Joe was sprawled out on the bed, the blankets wrapped around his waist. The scenario Ben had walked into was getting worse by the moment.

Ben waited downstairs in the Saloon for Kendall to arrive. Meanwhile, upstairs Shelby was having a few words with Kenny in the hallway before she went downstairs.

“Kendall, Looks like the kid’s Pa is here to fetch him home. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”

“How would I know about that?”

“Kenny don’t act stupid. The man knew your name. You contacted him didn’t you?”

“So what if I did Shelby?”

“Big mistake my dear, huge. I’m not letting that kid go without some money comin’ my way. I got something on him now.”

“What do you mean Shelby? You’re lying.”

“Oh no, dear. I’d never lie about something so serious as money.”

“What do you have Shelby?”

“One of the players in last night’s game is willing to go to the sheriff and say how your playmate in there had set the card game up. Everyone saw them all playing together last night. And, I got another willing to say he witnessed Joe setting up the con. Your lover is gonna get some time in jail unless I get some money to compensate me for my troubles.”

“How much you want Shelby?”

“Oh, not too sure Kenny. What’s he worth to you?”

“Stop playing games and give me a price.”

“Thousand dollars. That’s my price.”

Kenny looked at Shelby with contempt. She knew she had worked with him for the last time. She was going to be leaving Shelby and Sacramento just as soon as she could. “Done Shelby. I’ll get you a thousand dollars, and you let the kid go.”

“Maybe I should ask for more Kenny?”

“No, a thousand is what you said, and it is what you’ll get. Now I gotta talk to Joe’s Pa.”

“By all means!” Shelby said, bowing to Kenny as she passed.

Kenny descended the stairs and joined Ben at the table. Ben was the first to speak, “Um, I’d like to thank you young lady for contacting me about my son.”

“Oh you’re welcome. You’ve got a real nice boy, Mr. Cartwright.”

“How is he?” Ben asked, unable to hide his concern from Kenny.

“Um… well lets see.” Kenny was at a loss to explain Joe’s situation to his father.

“I saw him last night. I was here when he was playing poker.” Ben tried to help Kenny out by letting her know he knew Joe was in bad shape.

“Uh, Mr. Cartwright, I don’t know how Joe was before he came to Sacramento, but I know that since he’s been here he’s had some difficulties.”

Ben braced himself against what he was afraid he would hear. “Has he been, uh… well let me just tell you a little bit about what my son has been through.” Ben went on to tell Kenny about Joe and Rebecca, and Rebecca’s death. He also told her of the difficulties Joe had experienced since Rebecca had died.

“Has he been out of his head at all?” Ben finally asked.

“No not like you described, Mr. Cartwright. He had a problem the first night he was here, and he was beaten pretty badly and was robbed. He was kicked several times in his leg, and it has caused him a great deal of pain. He’s been trying to cope with that I think, and of course his fiancee’s death. He’s uh been having a very hard time of it, I’d say.”

“Kendall, how much is he drinking? I saw him last night, and I know he was drinking before he left home.”

“Well to be truthful, he’s drinking a lot. And uh, Mr. Cartwright that’s not the worst of Joe’s problems.” Kenny said as she pulled out a small medicine bottle of clear liquid. “This is as bad or worse than the alcohol, and I’m afraid Joe has been using a lot of it on a regular basis.”

Ben was uncertain what she was saying. “What is that?”

“Morphine.”

“Morphine?! You’re telling me my Joseph has been taking that… that… that stuff!?” Ben’s face had a look of sheer shock on it.

Kenny sat and said nothing.

“Oh God no, Joseph! No son!” Ben put his head in his hands. “My boy.” he said quietly.

Kenny sat with tears in her eyes. She hated to have to tell this man about his son. She could see how much he loved Joe. They sat in silence as Ben tried to gather himself together.

“Mr. Cartwright, I am so sorry to tell you all of this. I know it is a shock. I’m just very relieved you’re here. I know you can help your son.”

“I pray I can.”

“According to Joe, his family has a pretty strong influence on him. You folks have kept him alive whether you know it or not.”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.” Ben said, a bit confused.

“Joe told me something that I know he would be extremely upset with me if he knew I told you, but I feel you have to know for his sake. Mr. Cartwright, Joe told me he had sat in the barn at home and held a gun up to his head to kill himself. He said the reason he didn’t do it was because of his family. I think you need to know the influence you have.”

“Oh dear God! I had no idea he had done that!” The revelations of how bad it was with Joe was almost more than Ben could stand. He had prepared himself for problems, but the ones he heard were so much bigger than he was ready to conquer. Yet, he knew he had no choice. He was going to have to save his son.

“Kendall, I need to see my son.”

“Yes Mr. Cartwright. I’ll take you to him.” With that Kenny lead Joe’s father to his son.

LOST AND FOUND

Part Four: Redemption

to restore oneself to favor, to get back, to recover by paying a fee

Kendall led Ben back up the stairs they had descended earlier. She went to the door he had knocked on previously, opened it quietly, stepped aside and watched as Ben walked quickly to his son. Shutting the door behind her, she retreated to her own room and cried.

Ben was anxious as they climbed the stairs to Joseph. He had no idea how he would approach his son, given the devastating news he had received from the young saloon girl. He could only think of seeing Joe and reassuring himself he had actually found his prodigal son.

Once the door was open to the room where his son slept, he could not stop himself from rushing past the young woman. Ben knelt down on the floor next to the bed where Joe lay in a medicated sleep. For some reason, Ben felt hesitant to touch his son, as if it would make Joseph disappear again. He looked at his son’s face. Present in his boy’s face was the child he had seen delivered into the world. Also present, was the foreshadowing of the man Joseph would become. Ben began to weep for his son.

So much passed through Ben’s mind as he cried. He felt the hurt of the death of someone he loved, the agony of having a missing child, the relief of having found his boy, and the terrible fear of the unknown, yet to occur between himself and Joseph. He cried out of the frustration of not knowing how to help his child who was in so much pain. He felt himself emotionally brought to knees.

Ben was terrified of his son’s appearance and what it meant regarding Joe’s mental stability. He finally allowed himself to touch his youngest, and he reached out to his son’s hair. He moved the hair out of Joe’s closed eyes, as he thought of the numerous, now seemingly petty arguments, he had undergone with Joe regarding haircuts. Ben knew how to handle that kind of problem as a parent. But what he faced now was so much greater, and the stakes the very highest: his son’s life. How was he to know what was best? How could he make decisions with such incredible consequences? He prayed for wisdom as he prayed for his son.

Ben ran his hand over Joe’s cheek feeling the light stubble of Joe needing a shave. He recalled Joe so young, watching his father shave and asking when it would be his turn. Ben thought, “You’ve always been so quick to want to grow up, Joseph. I wish I could keep you small. It was so much less dangerous and painful for both of us.”

Ben slowly began to cry himself out of tears, but remained knelt next to his son. He needed to get Joe out of Sacramento, he knew that, and he felt it had to be quickly. “Sacramento,” he thought. “What is it about this place that tries to destroy me? First I lost my land here those many years ago, and now this place is trying to take my son.” Ben knew the way he felt was not logical, but he could not help it. He wanted to leave as soon as possible.

As Ben thought of how he would get Joe out of town, there was a knock on the door. Ben rose, walked to the door and answered it. He saw standing before him a tall, gangly man. “Yes? Can I help you?” Ben whispered, hoping not to wake Joe before he was ready to handle him.

“Well, maybe. My name is Shelby Butler, and I was wanting to talk to Joe one more time about the money he owed me.” Shelby began his lie.

Ben was confused about what this man was saying. “Joe owed him money?” Ben asked himself. He looked behind him to check on his son and reassured himself Joe was still lost to sleep. “Let’s step outside and talk, shall we?” Ben said, and moved out to the hall, closing the door behind him.

For some reason, Ben felt he needed to be between this man and his son. He had no idea why, but it was a parental instinct, and he was not about to question it. Ben positioned himself between the man and Joe’s door, determined to make sure the man could not get in. “Now, what is this about some money my son owes you?” Ben questioned.

“Your son? Joe there’s your son?” Shelby asked, attempting to appear innocent to Ben. “Oh, well, uh, I don’t think I should be tellin’ Joe’s business. He probably really wouldn’t want you to know.”

Ben felt baited. “What is it you need to speak with him about? I’m here to take my son home, so I will be tying up any of his business. If he owes you money, then I shall see that you are paid. Now what is this about?”

“Well, Mr. uh… I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name.” Shelby probed. He was wanting to confirm that this man was THE Ben Cartwright he had found information on. He had discovered that Ben Cartwright was worth quite a lot more money than the thousand dollars he had negotiated out of Kenny.

“It’s Cartwright. Ben Cartwright.”

Shelby hid the smile he felt at the news of the man’s identity. He had struck the mother-lode. “Well, Mr. Cartwright, your son owes me quite a bit of money, as well as possibly facing some charges for cheating at cards. I don’t know a whole lot about it but, the sheriff may have some guys claimin’ your son has set up quite the con game around here. I hate to be tellin’ you all this, but you asked.”

Ben recalled watching the card game of the night before. “So, I did see it right.” He thought to himself. “There’s no way Little Joe would be involved in something like that… But, then again, there’s no way I would have believed my son would be involved with the drinking… and even less with morphine. Do I really know my son? Can I trust the boy I knew at home to be the one that’s here?” Ben felt confusion overtake him as he struggled to decide which image of his son to accept. Or was there another image somewhere in between?

“How much money?” Ben finally asked.

“Five thousand dollars.” Shelby said, without blinking.

“Five thousand dollars?” Ben tried not to let his shock show on his face. “And these debts, all from gambling?”

“’Fraid so. The games here tend to be pretty high stakes, and he drinks quite a bit you know, and well I’ve seen him, uh, you know take a lot of that…”

Ben interrupted the man. He did not want to hear this man discuss his son or what his son had or had not done. Ben had a very bad feeling regarding Shelby Butler. “Yes, well, that is an enormous amount of money for gambling, and my son has never done something like this before.” Ben went on to think to himself, “There’s so much Little Joe’d never done before he lost Rebecca.”

“I feel bad for you Mister, having a son that’s well, you know, a bad seed, and I can understand your concern regarding the amount of money he has squandered. Maybe we should just let the sheriff handle all of this. The kid really deserves to learn a lesson. But I also know those guys who know what Joe did in the card games like him and all and, maybe they could be dissuaded from talking ‘cause they’re leery of the sheriff. I guess though, he should really have to own up to what he’s done.”

Ben was beginning to suspect that Shelby was trying to blackmail him. There was innuendo in Shelby’s voice, but the man had not come out and openly said that the men who were willing to bear witness against his son could be bought. It was not hard to see where Shelby was going with the conversation. “And if you get the money my son owes you?”

“Well, I’m a very influential man in this city, and I’m sure I can see to it that these men develop a bad case of memory loss.” Shelby at last had spoken his demands and was very pleased with himself that he had laid his cards on the table. He had known enough about Ben Cartwright to know the man had been searching for his son and was willing to pay a price for his son’s return. Shelby saw the reward money as negotiable and decided that Ben had devalued his son’s worth. “A thousand dollars was nothing to this man. Now, five thousand seemed much more fitting,” Shelby thought. Shelby was banking on Ben’s willingness to do what was needed to get his kid back.

Ben stared at the man feeling a rage come over him he had seldom experienced. This man had placed a price on Joseph’s head and had threatened his child. There was very little that could drive Ben Cartwright into a white rage, but threatening one of his boys would send him there instantly. “This man is filth.” Ben thought to himself as he struggled to contain himself.

Ben had a decision to make, and he knew he did not have long to make it. It was only a matter of time before Joseph woke, and he would need to have all of his attention on his child. But it was obvious to Ben that this man was wanting to extort money from him using his love for his son as the sword over his head. He was unhappy with what he was about to do, but he also knew once he had Joseph back to the Ponderosa, and, he prayed, back in his right mind, then Ben Cartwright would deal with Shelby Butler in a most fitting and just manner. He vowed this man would pay. “I’ll give you your five thousand, Mr. Butler, but you will do two things to get it. You’ll write me a ‘paid in full’ receipt for my son… uh, my son’s debts, and you’ll have the men who’re accusing my son to write affidavits proclaiming my son’s innocence. You give me what I want, and you’ll have your money."

“However, Mr. Butler, I give you this solemn warning. You threaten Joseph or in any way harm my son, or if I find out you had anything to do with my son’s current state, there is no place you can hide. I’ll find you, and I’ll see to it that you’re punished, and believe me, you will pay. I promise you. I’m a man of my word, and there’ll be NO PLACE I can’t find you.”

Shelby was taken aback by the intensity of Ben Cartwright’s threat, but his greed drove him to discount it. He loathed the kid and had really wanted him to see the inside of a prison, or even better be shot down, but the kid’s father had money, and that was Shelby’s primary passion. He would stifle his desires for the kid’s demise if the dollar amount was right. It appeared the father of the kid was willing to pay, so Shelby relaxed and became anxious for payment.

“Mr. Butler, I’ll have your money as soon as possible, and you’ll receive it when I have the documentation I requested. I’ll go to the bank and arrange for a wire to be placed into your account, AFTER I have what I asked for.”

“Very well. Mr. Cartwright, I’m glad to see you’re a reasonable man. After all, we must all make a living, and your son has really taken advantage of both me and you. I’m sure you will handle him appropriately, and the law really doesn’t need to be involved. I’ll have your requested documents shortly. And, if you were to have the wire for the money sent as soon as possible, our dealings will end shortly.” Shelby tipped his hat at Ben and walked away.

Ben felt a cold shiver as though he just made a deal with the devil himself. This man had in essence made him buy his son back. There was no price too great that Ben would not pay for one of his boys. He would hand over the deed to the Ponderosa, if it meant the life of Adam, Hoss, or Joe. This man had put a price on one of Ben’s children. He cursed Shelby and vowed he would get even. No one threatened Ben Cartwright’s child and got away with it.

Ben knew there were several details he had to tie up before he approached Joseph, and they both left Sacramento. He did not want Joe alone while he went about his tasks. He knew Joe did not know he was in town, or his son would have never stayed there to be found. Ben also knew Joseph would be gone again if he caught wind that his father was there It was painful to accept, but Ben knew Joe was running from everyone, including his father.

Ben looked to the door next to his son’s room and decided to risk asking for more assistance. He knocked and was immediately greeted by Kenny. Ben looked her in the eye and saw her eyes were swollen and red as if she had been crying. “Excuse me Miss Mac Masters, but I was wondering if I could impose just one more time and ask if you could stay with Joseph while I take care of a few things. I don’t want him alone, and he mustn’t know I’m here. He’ll run again, and I can’t let that happen.”

Kenny was glad Mr. Cartwright had asked her to sit with Joe. She was wanting a few more minutes with him to try and say good bye. “Certainly, it’s no imposition.”

Kenny immediately moved out of her room to the hall. Ben felt he needed to give her instructions to ease his own mind. He was very hesitant to leave the saloon, but he had to prepare the wire for Shelby’s money, and wire Adam and Hoss to tell them he had found Joseph. “Kendall, please come get me immediately if you’ve ANY problems keeping Joseph here. If he wakes, please do not tell him I’m here. I will handle him when I return… Oh, uh, I just remembered. I saw Joe limping badly last night. Do you know if he can sit a horse?”

Kendall had noted the anxiety in Joe’s father, and she wanted to help put his mind at ease. “Mr. Cartwright, Joe rarely wakes before about five or so. He’ll be asleep for a long while yet. If he does wake, I’ll stall him, I promise. He can’t go very far believe me. And I’ve serious doubts that he could sit a horse comfortably. I know he rode all the way here from Nevada, but I think it made his leg a lot worse, and then the attack really hurt him, so I doubt it. I can see that he’d probably try anyway, but I just don’t think he’d make it very far. His horse is in the livery just down the street if you’d like to get it as well.”

“He’s always been a very determined young man, and I know he’ll insist on riding a horse, but I will see to it that he rides in a wagon.” Ben was stalling, not wanting to leave Joe for a moment.

“Mr. Cartwright, the sooner you leave, the sooner you’ll be back.” Kenny said, giving a verbal nudge.

“Yes, you’re right I guess. Well, I’ll be back shortly.” With that Ben reluctantly left his youngest in the care of Kenny.

Kenny entered Joe’s room and walked over to the bed. She looked down at Joe as he slept. She was struck by how handsome he was as he lay there. He was entangled in the sheets which rested around his waist. She remembered the previous night and smiled. He had shown her a world she knew she could not live without ever again. She had found what it felt like when there was love in the sex, and she now wanted nothing less. She knew he did not love her, but he was loving someone, and she could feel the difference. She knew she loved him, and making love with him had made her complete the previous night. As she looked at him, she thought to herself, “You look like a Greek god from the drawings in books I’ve seen. Huh,… my sleeping Adonis.”

Kenny smiled broadly. She was so grateful he had come to Sacramento. It was going to hurt badly when he left, but she had found answers to the journey she had undertaken when she had left her parent’s farm in Ohio. She had wanted to find herself and she finally had. It amazed her that it took a kid really, no more than seventeen years old, to teach her what was important. She knew what she wanted now and would no longer settle for being used by men or for allowing money to be the most important thing to her.

As Kenny realized she had to tell Joe and his father what she had done, her mood changed. She knew she could not go on to the new life she wanted without confessing and accepting whatever Joe wanted done with her. She had to have a clean start. She began to formulate what she would say to them. How could she tell this innocent that she had set him up? How could she tell him, after all he had suffered, that she had played upon that and turned him over to Shelby? Kenny felt ashamed of herself. She eventually took a seat in the chair across the room and waited for Joe’s father to return and for Joe to wake.

**************************

Adam and Hoss had been restless as they waited at the Ponderosa. Neither had wanted to talk about their fears regarding their little brother. Each had their own nightmare they saw when they thought of how Joe had been the last day either had seen him, but each kept it to himself.

Adam’s nightmare consisted of Joe having gotten in trouble and sitting in a jail cell. Hoss’s consisted of Joe laying in a ditch somewhere having been attacked by people who wanted to hurt him, crying and unable to help himself. Little did the two know that their brother’s situation was somewhere in between. Part Adam’s nightmare, part Hoss’s.

Both kept to the running of the ranch and seemed to others to be slightly distracted. Adam had ridden to the north timber stand, not once, not twice, but three times with the same message. The hands, aware of the problems currently facing the Cartwright family, given the very healthy rumor mill on the Ponderosa, accepted the message each time as if it was the first they had heard of it. Hoss had found himself short with the hands, something they had never experienced with the most easy-going of the Cartwrights. Hoss had barked orders, and the hands forgave him. It was as if the whole Ponderosa knew things were very wrong, because there were Cartwrights missing and Cartwrights hurting.

**************************

As Ben went about making arrangements to leave with his son, Joe began to stir. Kenny was feeling anxious and thought to herself, “Oh no. Don’t wake up yet, Joe. Just go back to sleep.”

Joe felt sluggish as he stretched in bed. He had a bad headache and felt as if he had not slept at all. He dreaded opening his eyes because he knew the day was going to be like every other one to him: meaningless. He believed he had dreamed of being with Rebecca and longed to go back to sleep; back to her. He knew though, he would not be able to return to her so easily, so he reluctantly opened his eyes. He lay there staring at the ceiling unaware that Kendall was in the room. She did nothing to alert him to her presence as she sat and watched him wake.

“Geez, my head!” he said aloud as he immediately reached for the bottle of morphine on the night stand and took a long draw. He paused a minute, and then took a second long drink, but ran short of what he really needed from the bottle.

Kenny watched him and shook her head. Joe definitely had a very serious problem. She finally spoke, “You know you CAN start your day without that stuff.”

Joe jumped when he heard her voice. “What the hell are you doin’ here?”

Kenny knew she had to think fast. “Oh, uh Shelby is on the rampage lookin’ all over for me, so I guess I’m hidin’ out. Makes two of us now, huh?” Kenny could not resist adding the sarcasm.

“Ha ha. Very funny. What’s he mad about?” Joe asked, sitting up and looking at Kenny. Without thought, he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Oh, who knows. Mind if I stay here a while? If he catches up to me right now there is no tellin’ what he’d do.”

“I don’t care. Fine with me, but I gotta get dressed.”

“So go ahead and get dressed.” Kenny flirted not taking her eyes off of him.

“That means you gotta leave for a minute.”

“But Shelby’s looking for me. Here, I’ll turn around.” Kenny said as she stood and turned her back.

Joe got out of bed, pulled on his pants and was reaching for his shirt when the door opened. He looked up expecting to see Shelby, but instead he saw his father standing in the doorway. At first he thought maybe he was dreaming, and he would wake up, but his father ran to him, and embraced him. He knew then, it was not a dream.

Ben was shocked to see Joe standing in the room when he opened the door. He could not contain his joy at seeing Joe awake and standing before him. He grabbed his son and hugged him tightly as his eyes welled with tears. Ben felt Joe’s body become stiff in his arms, and his child did not return the hug.

“Oh, Joseph! I’ve been so worried. I can’t believe I found you. I love you so much, son.”

Joe pulled away from his father and started backing away from him. He began shaking his head slowly and eventually said, “No, Pa. No, I don’t want you here.”

Joe had an overwhelming desire to run, but his father was between him and the door. His heart was beating fast and he felt trapped. He began to try to formulate some way to get away from his father. Kenny watched the exchange between father and son. She saw a father so relieved and thrilled to see his son, and a son so terrified and about to panic.

“Joe, son, you need to come home. I’ve come here to bring you home.”

“Home?” Joe thought and the panic increased. “Home? I can’t go back there. I won’t go back there.” He said out loud. “You’ve wasted your time. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

“Son, let's sit down and talk about it. I know you don’t want to go home, but you have to. You’re destroying yourself here Joseph.”

Joe felt the panic overtake him and he yelled, “I’m not gonna go anywhere, Pa! I’m stayin’ right here, and if I want to destroy myself, it’s my business! I’ll die before I go back there!”

Ben’s heart skipped as he heard what Joe had said. “How close you have come to making that threat a reality.” Ben thought. He said, “Son, please let’s talk about this calmly.”

“There’s nothin’ to discuss! Get out of here and leave me alone!” Joe said, knowing full well his father would not leave him.

“Joseph, please?” Ben began to beg.

“No, Pa! No! I can’t! I won’t! You saw what happened to me! You saw it! I can’t keep it all away! I can’t stop it, and it’ll eventually just take me, and I won’t be able to stop it! Don’t you get it, Pa?!”

“I can help you. You and I can do it together. I’m not leaving, and I will not give up on you. Joe, whatever it is, I will fight for you, and I’ll help you fight it.”

“You’ll help me fight it Pa?! How?!” Joe was furious and screamed at his father. “JUST HOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME?! You gonna bring her back, Pa?! You gonna make it so it didn’t happen?! You gonna give me what I want?! You can’t! You couldn’t help with Mama, and you can’t help now!”

Ben was taken aback with Joe’s last statement. What did Marie have to do with all of this? “Son, please calm down. We can talk this out. What is it about your mother?”

Joe had no idea why he had said what he had about his mother. He was very confused, and it seemed hard to think. He felt enraged at his father’s appearance. “Didn’t you hear me?! I said I don’t want your help! I don’t want you to talk to me! I want you to leave me alone! You can’t help me! No one can! I am just fine here, and you can get outta here and leave me alone!”

“You are not just fine Joseph. Look at you. You don’t even look like yourself.”

“Pa, I don’t want to look like me anymore! I don’t want to be me! I want to be left the hell alone and for you to go away!” Joe was reaching a point where he knew he had to act rather than talk.

Joe bolted forward and attempted to make his way through the space between his father and the door. Ben blocked his way. Joe tried to change course but his father grabbed him, putting his arms around him. Ben Cartwright was much bigger than his son and could easily restrain him. This sent Joe into a fury.

“Let me go! Let me go!” Joe was actively fighting against his father, and Ben was having difficulty holding him because of Joe’s wild movements.

“Stop it Joseph!” Ben said, his voice level reaching that of his sons.

“No! You let me go, NOW!”

Father and son were locked in a struggle each was determined to win. It was obvious that Joe was becoming more and more irate as he fought with his father. Kenny decided she would step in to help. She went to grab Joe’s arm, and without thinking to realize it was Kenny, Joe shoved her away. Kenny fell backwards over the chair. The noise of Kenny crying out as she fell, broke the focus between Joe and his father. Joe stopped struggling with his father and turned and saw Kenny on the floor. Joe could not believe he had shoved her. “Kenny! Oh geez, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!”

Ben had released Joe when he had stopped struggling, but remained firmly planted in the doorway. Joe moved quickly over to Kenny and knelt beside her. She was stunned, but awake. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry!”

“I’m okay, scared me more than anything. Here help me up.”

Joe helped Kenny to her feet, and she straightened herself as she stood. She then started to rub the back of her head. Joe kept looking at her feeling terrible for what he had done. “Kenny, I feel awful about what I did. Here let me look at your head.”

“No Joe, I’m fine really, but please sit down. I need to talk to you. You too Mr. Cartwright. There is something I need to say to both of you.”

Joe’s rage had passed due to his concern for Kenny’s welfare, and he was willing to sit. Ben shut the door and sat next to his son. However, he remained watchful of his son, knowing Joe could try to leave again.

“Joe, I have something to tell you, and I know you’ve every right to be angry with me. This is really hard for me to tell you, ‘cause I feel so ashamed of what I’ve done.”

Joe was confused. He had no idea what Kenny was talking about. He could see she was upset. “What is it Kendall? I’m not angry with you. I’m the one that shoved ya, so you should be angry with me.”

“No, Joe. You don’t understand. Oh…how do I say this? Joe, you remember the first day you came into the saloon?”

“Yeah?” he said, and thought, “vaguely.”

“Well… um, Shelby and me, we’ve been kinda in business together. See, you know I told you I’ve been here a couple of years, and Shelby sorta took me in. Well, I’ve been helping Shelby run a…um… a sorta con game with strangers who come into town.”

Joe was surprised at what Kenny was saying. “What sorta con game?”

“Well we, um, really Shelby, picks out people who he can lure into working for him. Sometimes without them even knowing it. Joe, he’s done that to you.”

“What? Kenny I don’t understand what you’re saying. What do you mean? How?” Joe showed no emotion in his voice as he asked the questions.

“Joe… oh, Joe, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I helped him, and I let him hurt you. I know you didn’t deserve anything he did to you, and I’m gonna make sure he pays.”

“What exactly did he do to me?” Joe was trying to think over the past weeks. Much of it was a fog to him, and he was not sure he could remember.

“I was told by Shelby to approach you that day in the saloon. You remember?”

“Yeah, when you were asking all those questions about me.”

“That’s right. Well, my job was to find out about you and to tell Shelby what I knew. You weren’t talking, so I got you involved in the card game. Shelby had two guys who worked for him in that game, and they made sure you won money.”

“The game was dirty?”

“Yeah Joe, the dirtiest. And, uh… Joe, when you went out that night to leave, it was Shelby’s men who beat you. He told me he was only going to have you robbed, but I figured out later he had you beaten as well. You were supposed to be robbed so he would leave you with no money, and you’d be willin’ to work for him.”

Ben was finding it very difficult to remain silent. He was becoming furious as he heard what had happened to Joe. “Are you telling us young lady that you helped this… this monster hurt my son?”

“Yes, Mr. Cartwright that’s what I’m saying, and I have no excuse.”

Joe sat looking Kenny unsure what to think or feel. He wanted a drink. “Why me, Kenny?”

“Because you look so innocent, and… uh, to be honest, because you’re so out of it most of the time. Joe, I’m sorry. I tried to make sure that Shelby didn’t hurt you more. It was like you were so willing to just drink and…” Kenny stopped talking and looked at Ben and back at Joe. “…the morphine keeps you so unaware of everything.”

Joe was immediately very uncomfortable. He knew his father was sitting next to him hearing what Kendall was saying.

“Who gave Joseph the morphine?” Ben asked, feeling as if he wanted to strangle this woman and Shelby Butler.

“Well, um, the night Joe was hurt, Shelby told me to go get one of his employees, a Mr. Li, who had the morphine, and Joe started it then. Shelby’s been givin’ it to him since then, huh, Joe?”

Joe certainly did not want to talk about his use of morphine with his father. He felt the need to run again. He did not answer Kenny, and he turned his head way from her to look at the wall.

“I feel really bad about all this Joe, and whatever you think should happen I’ll accept. You need to know Shelby’s had you playin’ in dirty games since the beginning. You just didn’t know it. He’s done it a lot of times, and I admit I let him do it. I’ve helped him.”

“So Miss Mac Masters, how much of the five thousand Shelby has charged me to get my son back do you get?” Ben asked.

Neither Joe nor Kenny knew of Ben’s revelation. Joe stood and walked over to the window and started looking out. He knew he should be angry or hurt or at least feel something, but it was so hard for him to feel anything except the claustrophobia. He watched the traffic on the street below and longed to be down there. He saw his father’s horse tied to a wagon and the horse he had ridden into Sacramento stood beside the large buckskin. He knew what that meant, and he also knew he was not going to allow his father to take him back to the ranch.

“Mr. Cartwright, I have no idea what you are talking about. I told Shelby I was going to give him a thousand dollars myself if he would stay away from Joe and let you take him away.” Kenny explained.

Ben looked at the woman before him and tried to decide if he believed her or not. The whole situation was very difficult to understand or accept as real. Ben then looked over to Joe and saw him staring at the street below. “Joe, do you know anything about any of this?”

Joe did not remove his eyes from the street as he spoke. “No, I don’t, but Kenny’s been real good to me, so I’d believe her.” Joe answered his father, but then had a question of his own. “Pa, how’d you find me?”

Kenny spoke up, “I told him you were here. There were some hands down in the saloon who recognized you, and I wrote your father. For that I won’t apologize. You need him to help you. Shelby was going to have you arrested, and you’d go to prison. I couldn’t let that happen. You’re a mess Joe, and you’ve got family who love you and can help.”

“Prison.” he thought “Go to prison? I’m in prison already, so what does it matter?” He said, “Kenny, I’ve told you over and over; I didn’t want help; I didn’t need help, and I wanted to be left alone.”

“Joe, you’re headed down a very dangerous road with the way you are acting. You have NO idea what you have gotten yourself tangled up in. Shelby is rotten to the core and willing to do ANYTHING to get money. He takes special delight in stripping a person of all they have and then crushing them. And you have created a huge problem for yourself with the morphine. Did you know that you can’t just stop that stuff?”

“Again with the morphine!” Joe thought, and asked himself, “Wonder what Pa knows?” He said to her, “Kenny I don’t have a problem with morphine, and I can quit anytime. I just don’t happen to want to.”

Ben was intently watching the exchange between Joe and Kenny. He had so many fears regarding Joe’s well being. “Kenny, what do you mean Joe can’t just stop?”

“I had a talk with Mr. Li about this the other day after I knew you were coming Mr. Cartwright. He told me that something happens to people who stop taking the stuff. They get very, very sick. They go though all kinds of horrid stuff from the sounds of it.”

Ben was now beyond fear. What was going to happen to Joseph? “Did he tell you specifics?”

“Will you two just quit talkin’ about this!” Joe jumped in, his irritation obvious. It’s no one’s business but mine, and I’ll be just fine.” Joe was not sure he really believed what Kenny was saying, and if she was right, he wanted to hear it even less.

“No Joseph, we are going to talk about this. What will happen to him, Kenny?” Ben asked while looking at his son.

“Well, he said that after someone has taken that stuff for a while, it’s like they have to have more and more of it. They take it and take it, and then when they stop, they get really sick, like they have the fever or something. He said it lasts for days and the person is out of their head for a while. He said that Joe here is going to have a real bad time when he stops.”

Joe turned from the window and looked at his father. He could see the concern on his father’s face and felt a pang of guilt. He was conflicted between what he wanted to do to himself and what he wanted for his family. It was all so mixed up in his head, and he struggled to make sense of it. He was afraid of his head and what happened to him if he did not have the medicine. He knew his father was going to take it away from him, and he did not know if he would survive his own thoughts.

Ben knew he was headed for an incredibly difficult ordeal with Joe and that Joe was going to fight him every step of the way. “Son, I want you to come with me to the doctor here in town and let him get a look at you.”

Joe looked at his father wondering how he was going to get away. He knew he could not outrun his father for any distance. He would have to wait for an opportunity. He also knew he did not want to see a doctor and felt the doctor would probably only make the situation worse for him. “All I need is some doctor telling Pa more stuff like Kenny already is, and he’ll never let his guard down enough for me to get away.” He said to his father, “Pa, I don’t need a doctor. I’m fine.”

“No you will do as I say. You need to have your leg looked at and I want to talk to the doctor about the best way to help you.”

“I said I don’t need a doctor. My leg is fine. I can take care of myself.”

With that phrase Ben lost his temper, “You can take care of yourself? You can? Oh yes Joseph, you have done such a fine job taking care of yourself so far. Look at you. Would you just look at you! You have managed to create an enormous problem and it did not have to be this way. You ran off and left your home for this?! You really want this?! You can’t be telling me that!”

Joe did not want the life he had at home and he did not want the life he was currently living. He wanted to be living the life he had before it all went so bad for him. He wanted to turn back time. “Pa, if I’ve made a mess of my life, it’s my life! I left home because I couldn’t stay there, and if I can’t stay here then I’ll leave here as well, but I will not go back!”

Again father and son were escalating in their intensity. Joe defiantly looked at his father, and his father held firm to the look he held on Joe. “Son, you’ll do as I say, and I say you’ll see the doctor.”

“And if I refuse?”

“If you refuse I will have Kenny go and bring the doctor here. Either way son. The choice is yours.”

Joe stood thinking. He had to decide the best way to handle his father, so he could eventually break free of him. Joe glanced at the window and formed his plan. “I’ll go with you, but Pa I want you to know something. There is nothing you can say or do that will change my mind about goin’ back there.”

Ben felt he would cross that bridge just as soon as he had some guidance from the doctor. “Well, Miss Mac Master’s can you show us where the doctor is in this city?”

“Certainly.” Kenny agreed.

Joe finished getting dressed, and then Kenny led the way out of the room. Ben kept firm hold on Joe’s shoulder as father and son descended the stairs. As the three were walking out of the saloon, Joe saw his opportunity. Ben was to Joe’s left and behind him. Kenny was in front of him. He saw there was a man standing off to his left, and the man appeared quite drunk. As the three exited the doorway of the saloon, Joe spotted his horse and eyed the distance he would have to make to get to the animal. He felt he could do it. He knew he had to try. It was not an effort of rational thought, but of desperation.

Joe stopped walking suddenly, and his father bumped into him, throwing Ben slightly off balance. Joe then gave a hard shove to his father, throwing Ben into the drunken man. Both Ben and the man tumbled to the ground, and Joe quickly dropped the crutches and made himself run to the horse. He was relieved to see the reins were tied so all he needed to do was give a quick pull and the horse was free. He threw the reins over the horse’s head and mounted the animal in one swift motion. He jerked the horse’s head away from the wagon and kicked the animal as hard as he could. The horse almost reared as it bolted, and Joe was away.

Ben was intent on keeping hold of Joe, but had loosened his grip after Joe had so suddenly stopped. Joe’s shove had thrown him off balance, and he watched his son run away as he fell into the drunk man. There was a momentary wrestling match between Ben and the man, with Ben trying desperately to get the man to let him go so he could take off after Joseph. Ben cried out, “Joe! Stop!” to the rapidly disappearing form of his son.

Ben was able to disengage from the drunken man and ran to his horse. He quickly mounted and turned Buck in the same direction Joe had left. He kicked his horse and was off, again in pursuit of his lost child.

Joe knew he had very little head start on his father, and he had to make the best of it. He was wishing he had Cochise because of her speed. He knew Cochise could out run Buck, but he had no idea how the horse he rode would do. He prayed he would at least be able to keep the lead with which he had started. As he rode he felt the pressure on his leg but was relieved there was morphine in his system to deaden the pain. He did not stop to think that the morphine would eventually wear off.

Kenny had stood and watched Joe’s escape and his father’s pursuit. She knew that Joe could only get so far before he was going to be sick. She felt she had to follow and help them. She owed that to Joe and to Joe’s father. She went over to the wagon and climbed aboard. She led the team out following behind the racing horses. She knew they would be far ahead of her, but she hoped that she would either eventually catch up to them, or the father would catch the son, and they would be turning back, and she would meet them on the road. Anyway she could be of help to Joe or his father she was willing to do. She felt she owed them.

**************************

Adam and Hoss made a point to begin tracking Cochise. The land of the Ponderosa had various types of terrain and the herd of horses Cochise ran with tended to remain primarily in the valleys. The herd had been there long before the Cartwrights and it traveled freely along the land. The Cartwrights would thin the herd from time to time and gather several that they would make riding stock, but for the most part the horses were there as part of the land itself. Each Cartwright had at various times found it an amazing sight to watch as the animals thundered over the ground.

There was no sight of the herd the first days they looked for them. Both men would work a hard day at the ranch and then head out to hunt the herd. They would come home tired and were greeted by a doting Hop Sing. Hop Sing had been relieved when he had heard Joe had been found, but his heart said that the ordeal was far from over. He knew as did the rest of Joe’s family, that Joe had been very distraught and irrational when he left. He prayed the boy’s father could reach him and bring him home.

In order to help ease the suffering of everyone, Hop Sing doted on Hoss and Adam. He cooked lavish meals and tended to their every need. Hoss and Adam had noticed it and each had thanked the loving cook for being so good to them. They knew Hop Sing was hurting too.

On the fourth day of looking for the herd, Adam spotted them and quickly gave chase. The horses were rather far off in the distance, and he had a lot of ground to cover to reach the grazing animals. Sport stepped on a branch, and it’s breaking alerted the stallion, and the herd was quickly running away. Adam cursed his luck and continued after the rapidly departing animals. He saw Cochise towards the front of the herd and knew he would not catch up to her. He had to pull up his horse and watch Cochise run. He had no way of knowing at that same time his brother was running from his father.

**************************

Joe was on the trail a number of hours and had ridden hard, pushing the horse more than he knew he should, but he was beginning to feel panic come over him. He was feeling restless and agitated and had no idea why. Part of him wanted to stop the horse, wait for his father to catch up and have it out with him. But another part told him that it was unwise, and he needed to keep moving. Joe was beginning to sweat hard, although the temperature was cool. The longer he rode, the more he felt as if he was coming down with an illness. It had a gradual onset, and he tried to concentrate on the trail ahead of him. He had felt the morphine wear off soon after leaving town, and he was much more aware of his leg.

Ben remained in pursuit of Joe and prayed something would allow him to catch up to his son. He knew his son was an excellent rider and would push himself and the horse as hard as he could. He hoped that Joe’s horse would tire before Buck and was grateful Joe was not on Cochise.

The longer he traveled, the worse Joe felt. He was beginning to feel nauseous and was unsure he could keep up the pace. He felt as if he was a wire drawn tight becoming more and more tense and restless. He thought of what Kenny had said in the room when she had spoken of his getting sick and said to himself, “No! You will not get sick! Keep going! Just keep going and it will pass!” He had this thought over and over as he used it to focus upon, rather than the very ill feeling that was overtaking him. What he did not realize was he had slowed his horse. He was more focused on how he felt and it allowed the tired animal to back off of the pace at which Joe had been traveling.

Ben had no idea that Joe was slowing and he kept Buck running as much as possible, only backing off to a trot when he felt he had to in order to save his horse. He followed the trail and could see the fresh hoof prints of a running horse. He knew it had to be Joe. He was certain his son would not stop unless outside forces intervened. He had not long to wait.

Joe felt his stomach seize and the cramp was intense. It grabbed him hard and he almost fell of the horse. He knew he was going to be sick and lost focus of his riding. The horse slowed as Joe struggled to remain in the saddle and hold down the illness. He eventually gave in and pulled up the horse. He half dismounted, half fell off of the horse and was doubled over, violently ill. He heard the approaching horse and thought, “Well you tried,” as a cramp grabbed him again.

As Ben rode he could see the horse stopped in the road. His heart skipped a beat as he thought Joe had been thrown. As he neared the horse, he saw Joe off to the side bent over, head down.

“Joseph!” Ben called as he quickly dismounted Buck and ran to his son. Joe had not moved, as Ben ran to him. Joe was slowly rocking back and forth trying to calm his stomach.

“Son, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I got sick s’all. I’ll be okay in a minute.” He said, praying that would indeed be the case.

Ben realized what the young saloon girl had told them would happen to Joe had started. He had no idea how long he had been chasing Joe, but he knew it had been a while. “Son, I think what Kenny talked to us about is happening to you.”

“No it’s not, Pa. I just pushed too hard with the horse and it made me sick.” Joe said knowing full well that his riding had nothing to do with becoming ill. He tried to slow his breathing as his father put his hand on his back.

Ben reached for his son for two reasons. The first to comfort Joe, and the second to hold on to him so he would not run again. “Joe, take it easy now, you need to just settle down and relax some.”

Joe knew his father had caught him and he was again trapped. He did not realize where the nervousness was coming from, but he was feeling anxious and his father’s arm on his back began to bother him. “Pa, please leave me alone a minute.”

“No I’m not going anywhere. Not with that fool stunt you pulled. I’m staying right here with you.”

“Please leave…” Joe could not finish his sentence before he was sick again.

Both men stayed as they were and did not speak. Joe felt the nausea lessen and sighed. He wiped his sweating brow and finally stood up straight. He was tired. Ben watched Joe, his face showing his concern. “Joseph, you’ve got to stop this foolishness now. You’re in no shape to continue to fight with me. Just stop it.”

Joe looked at his father. He knew he had to stop running for the moment. He knew he had to give in. His leg was aching, and his stomach turned. Joe felt his fear as he thought to himself, “Oh no. What do I do now?” He said to his father, “I give up, Pa. You got me.”

“Well son, I hate it that you look at it that way, but I’m glad you’ve stopped running.”

Joe justified to himself he would wait until an easier time to escape. He knew he and his father had several days on the trail back to the Ponderosa, and he would bide his time until there was a better opportunity. Finally, the wave of nausea passed all together, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He was hoping that was the end to the misery. He hoped wrong.

After gathering himself back together, Joe turned to his father and asked, “So what happens now?”

“Well I think we should head back to town. We can probably just make it before dark. The horses are tired, and you’re not in any shape to ride hard, so we need to take it easy and head back.”

Joe walked over to the bay and mounted up. Ben saw his son wince noticeably and asked, “Joe, you sure you can ride?”

“Well, doesn’t look like I have much of a choice. I’m okay.”

Ben saw a dejected look on Joe’s face, and although he knew he was doing what was right, he felt bad that his son was only going with him because Joe had admitted defeat. Ben told himself that the days on the trail back to the Ponderosa would allow him to get through to Joseph. He knew he had to break through the wall of hurt and pain Joe had built if he ever had a chance of getting his son back, and his son regaining the desire to stay alive. Ben was cautious of Joe because of his having run before, but he also saw his son had surrendered to going with his father.

The two started the long trek back to town. Joe did not talk as they rode. He would feel waves of nausea and then it would pass. He frequently had to wipe his brow and was feeling as if he was getting a cold. His eyes and nose watered. He could see out of the corner of his eye his father watching him. It made him uncomfortable.

Ben continued to eye Joe as they rode. He desperately wished that Joe would talk to him. He knew that he would have to instigate conversation, but was reluctant to go through the same exchanges that he had experienced with Joe since the accident.

Finally Joe had reached a point of irritation where he could not hold it in. He did not know why he was so anxious, but he was tired of his father looking at him. “Pa, would ya please stop lookin’ at me. I ain’t goin’ no where. I told you, I give up.”

Ben looked at Joe and saw Joe was looking green. He was beginning to wonder if he could get his son back to Sacramento before nightfall. Ben thought “If Kenny is right, then Joe is going to get worse, maybe a lot worse.” Ben pushed his horse a little faster and said aloud, “Joe it is obvious that you are not feeling too well. Do you need to stop?”

“No, lets keep goin’. Get it over with.” Joe said in a harsh tone, all the while not looking at his father.

Soon after Joe spoke those words, he was again seized with a cramp that made him draw up his horse. He tried to keep breathing as he felt the nausea overcome him again. He had to get off his horse and quickly dismounted. Again he was violently ill and knew he could not get back on the animal. He gave in to the feelings of being ill and collapsed onto the ground. “Pa, I don’t think I can do it.”

Ben was immediately next to Joe. “It’s okay, we’ll figure out something.” Ben knew he had no supplies with him, but he also knew Joe could not go on riding a horse. He was getting sicker. Ben could see it. Joe was sweating profusely. His son was looking more and more ill. The cold signs Joe had developed made Ben briefly flash to the time Joe had developed a cold and then milked it for all it was worth to stay out of school. Ben found himself wishing that was all he was facing. He knew he was headed for more dark times with his youngest and it made him worried. He said, “Joseph, it’ll be all right son, you’re gonna be fine.”

Just then they heard horses approach. Joe was unable to look towards the approaching animals. He had decided he would focus all of his attention on the ground under him. Joe was starting to get concerned with how he was feeling. He had been able to keep the sickness away, but it took a lot of concentration, more than he felt he could continue to give. He asked himself, “What happens when I let go? What happens when I can’t stop it? Was Kenny right? What’ll happen to me?”

Ben looked up to see the approaching wagon. He was relieved to see the saloon girl. She had come to their rescue. As she approached, Kenny could see Joe on the ground and his father next to him. She thought to herself, “It must have started already.”

“Kendall, are we ever glad to see you.” Ben called out as she pulled the horses up.

“Looks like you need some help.” Kenny said climbing down from the wagon. “Joe, you okay?”

“Uh, um, yeah I think.” Joe’s tone indicated he was not at all sure he was okay.

“Son, lets get you up in the wagon and we can head back.”

“Yeah, uh okay.” Joe really did not want to move from where he was and dreaded riding in the wagon. He was confused with the physical feelings he was experiencing. He was anxious and wanted to move around for that reason, but he did not want to move because of the nausea. He was not sure which part of him would win in his dilemma to find what would make him most comfortable.

Ben helped Joe to his feet, and he slowly made his way to the wagon with his son. As Ben assisted his son, he felt Joe shaking slightly. “Son, we can stop.”

“No I can do it, Pa.” Joe responded, not really sure what he was saying was true.

Joe sat in the seat next to Kenny, and the three began to head back to Sacramento once more. Joe wanted to cry out several times. He was angry and scared and hurting. The wagon ride was no better than being on a horse, and he did not have any idea how he could hold on, but he vowed he would try. He would not let his father know he was hurting as bad as he was, because then his father would know that he had a problem with the morphine. He did not believe he did and refused to accept that it was any different. He was not willing to entertain the idea that he had a problem, so he tried to will himself out of the withdrawal.

Joe was fooling no one but himself. Kenny and Ben could see that he was hurting and he was trying to hide it. Both felt afraid of what would happen to Joe as his body went through the loss of the substance that had kept him so unaware of his feelings. They had no idea what was in store and if they did, it would not have helped them. All three felt as if they were on a run away horse riding towards an unknown destination. Each was scared, but for very different reasons, and each would discover more about themselves when the horse finally stopped running. They would each have lost something, each of them, but they would have found something much richer.

They headed back to town. Kenny thought about what Mr. Li had shared with her that she had been unable to communicate with the Cartwrights. She knew Joe was going to get much sicker, and it would be very scary for Joe, his father, and even Kenny herself. Ben focused on his youngest child. He would take the pain away in an instant if he could negotiate with God and could take Joseph’s place. He would do it without thinking twice. His son meant that much to him. Joe thought of how bad he felt and the pain in him was justly deserved. He thought of how he had been responsible for Rebecca’s death and then had tried to escape thoughts of her and felt guilty. He believed he was now being punished because he could not handle the guilt nor the pain. He viewed God at that moment as a punisher. He saw God as a God keeping score, and he was due punishment for the killing of his love and his choice of the ways he coped.

They rode along until Joe again could not tolerate it. “Kenny stop. Please stop.” Joe said as he was seized by the cramping. He could not tolerate moving in the wagon anymore. As the wagon came to a halt, Joe doubled over. The stopping of the movement helped him some, but he found the cramping to be getting more intense.

Ben knew they had gotten just about as far as they were going to. He rode Buck up next to the wagon and looked on his son with great concern. His eyes meet Kenny’s and both knew what the other was thinking. They were in big trouble. Joe was going to have to ride out the illness where they were.

“Joe, son, you just sit tight here with Kenny. I am going to look around some and see if I can’t find us a place to hold up.” Ben was reluctant to leave Joe, but they would quickly be losing light and he needed to get them some place with shelter. “Kenny, take care of him. I’ll be right back.”

With that Ben rode away to scout out a place for them. Kenny sat with Joe and tried to think of something to help him. Joe kept his head down and tried to brace himself against the next pain. “Joe, you’re going to be okay. Mr. Li told me you would. Can I do anything to help?”

“No, ‘less you got morphine on you.” Joe said softly.

What Joe did not know was Kenny did have a bottle of morphine with her. She had the bottle she had shown Joe’s father earlier and had not taken it from her pocket. She was unsure what she should do with it and thought that maybe if Joe was too sick or was in danger of dying she could give it to him to help.

“Besides, that Joe. You need anything? How ‘bout some water?”

The thought of actually eating or drinking made Joe’s stomach turn. “God no, Kenny. Don’t talk about that.”

“Joe, you need to drink some water. Here I gotta canteen right here.” Kenny said reaching for the canteen. “You gotta get something back in you.”

“Kenny, I can’t. It makes me sick just to think about it.”

“Joe try. You’re gonna need it, uh… later.”

“Why Kenny? Why later?”

“Uh, Joe I’m just thinkin’ of you keepin your strength up.”

“You don’t lie very well Kenny. Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’m doin’ better already and it’ll pass in a few minutes. I’ll be fine.” Joe tried to say with more conviction than he felt.

“Now just who doesn’t lie very well? Here drink.” Kenny handed Joe the canteen.

He took a small swallow and was able to hold it down so he drank more. Kenny and Joe sat in relative silence as they waited for Ben to return. The time lagged and both were lost in their own thoughts. They were brought back to the present when they heard the sounds of horses hooves.

Ben appeared with a smile on his face. “Well we are in luck. I have found an old hunting cabin not too far away. I checked it out and we can hold up there tonight. Joe you doin’ okay?”

“Uh, yeah Pa. I guess.”

Ben took the lead and Kenny followed. The cabin Ben had found was nestled in a beautiful meadow. There were tall pines surrounding it and a small stream flowed behind. The sun was beginning to set and the trees filtered the light, giving the cabin a glow. The travelers pulled up and stopped. Joe slowly dismounted the wagon and limped into the small house. He felt the need to sit, so he deposited himself in a chair and starred at the fireplace. He wondered what would become of him.

Ben went about unloading the supplies that were in the wagon and tending the horses. He remained ever aware that Joe could run away as soon as the opportunity presented itself, so he was determined to make it difficult for his youngest. Ben led the horses away from the cabin to tie them for the night. He had found an open area behind the cabin and he strung a line and left the horses to graze. He took the tack and placed it behind the wood pile at the back of the cabin. He felt bad he had to hide the horses and tack from Joseph, but he would not risk losing his son again. With that done, Ben left to hunt game for dinner.

As Kenny went about looking for things to cook, Joe began to wander around the cabin. He could not find a place where he was comfortable. He was beginning to shake and his stomach turned. He would catch a cramp and would tighten up in response to it. He ended up pacing back and forth occasionally wiping off the sweat on his brow. He found it odd that he was sweating and yet starting to feel very cold. His leg hurt to walk but he felt as if he had to keep moving.

Kenny watched Joe and thought he looked like a caged animal. “Joe, why don’t you have a seat and rest for a while?”

“’Cause I don’t want to.”

“You’re making me nervous with all that pacing.”

“You’re nervous!” He thought. “It feels like I’m gonna come right outta my skin.” He responded. “Uh, I just feel like I gotta be movin’, Kenny.”

“Well then here. Peel these potatoes.”

“I don’t want to peel potatoes.” Joe snapped.

“Come here and do it.” Kenny ordered.

Joe rolled his eyes and walked over to her. He started peeling potatoes and would pause every so often as a wave of nausea hit. Kenny watched him out of the corner of her eye. She wanted to go to him, put her arms around him and help him through the ordeal, but she kept her distance.

Joe attempted to focus on what he was doing and ignore everything he felt. He needed to keep moving, so peeling potatoes helped him. Before long he had peeled every one in the sack. Kenny started to laugh, “Hey Joe, ya think ya did enough of ‘em. We’re gonna have a lot of potatoes tonight.”

Joe did not answer her as he put down the knife and walked away. He had to find something else to keep himself occupied. He was walking towards the door as his father walked in. “How’re ya’ feeling son?” Ben asked with concern.

“Oh just grand, Pa.” Joe said sarcastically.

“Where’re you going?”

“Out.”

“Why?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“Yes, you do, son. You’re not going anywhere without me.”

“Fine then. Would you like to join me outside? I gotta get some air. I gotta get outta here.”

Ben immediately turned and joined his son outside. Joe limped around looking at the various items left by others who had stayed in the cabin. He came upon an ax and some large logs stacked against the cabin. He picked up one of the logs and placed it on the chopping block. With ax in hand he began cutting the wood into smaller pieces. This allowed him again to concentrate on something and kept his mind off of how he felt. It worked only for a short time until the cramping intensified. Joe had to stop and give in. Ben was quickly beside Joe, which made him angrier, and Joe threw the ax down and limped back into the house.

The rest of the evening was spent in a very similar fashion. Joe was anxious and tense and it took little to set him off. He was unable to keep his supper down and was quickly ill. He then went about pacing and snapping at Kenny and his father. Both tried to make it bearable, but both knew at some level Joe was going to feel the pain of the loss of the drug.

The three claimed their own place within the cabin and each went about keeping themselves busy. Ben had found a book that looked interesting and had picked it up to read after he realized any conversation with Joe was going to result in him being snapped at, and Joe angrier than he already was. Kenny too was giving Joe wide berth and was trying to determine what she could do as far as clothing was concerned. She had run off so quickly behind the two men that she had not been able to grab anything to make her stay a little less rustic. As she looked around, Joe watched her and eventually asked, “What are you lookin’ for?”

“Oh, just something to change into. I’d like to get out of this dress. It’s not real practical around here.”

“Just a second.” Joe said digging through some stuff on the bed. He produced a pair of pants and a shirt. “Here these are probably too big, but you can see if they fit.”

Joe handed her a set of clothing his father had gotten for him. “Thanks, Joe.” she said smiling at him.

He stared at her blankly and said nothing. Ben had watched the exchange and said, “Come on Joe, let's step outside and give her some privacy while she changes.”

Ben and Joe made their way outside and waited for Kenny to call them back. When she called them, she had not meant for Joe to enter as quickly as he had. She had in her hand the bottle of morphine and tried to hide it from him.

Joe entered and moved over to the bed and sat. He was shaking and finding it hard to not think about how ill he felt. He continued to have to wipe sweat away. He looked over to Kenny and thought she was acting strangely. She kept looking at him and she seemed to have something in her hand. She smiled at him when Joe looked at her. Joe did not smile back at her, but tried to figure out what she was up to. He lost interest soon after and attended to the fire, but then he saw her out of the corner of his eye. She had a bottle in her hand placing it behind a jar in the kitchen area. Joe thought to himself, “No, it’s not what I think it is, is it? She brought some? She did! Oh, geez, I need that bottle. No wait. Uh, Joe stop thinking about it. Just stop! You can’t! Forget it.” Joe told himself.

Kenny looked back at Joe and was unsure if he had seen what it was she had hidden. She knew he would want the morphine if he knew about its existence and had tried to make it difficult for him to find it. She was unaware he had seen her hiding place and had plans to get it. It was one more struggle Joe would endure that evening.

Eventually the three turned in for the evening. Ben and Kenny fell asleep while Joe laid trying to sleep. He had reassured his father that he was okay and that Ben should get some rest. Joe was tired of his father watching him and was relieved to have his father and Kenny asleep. As the time passed and sleep would not come, Joe moved from feeling hot to cold and the sickness ebbed and flowed. He could not get his mind off of the morphine he had seen Kenny hide. He tried everything he knew of not think of it, not desire it and not need it. The cramping and shaking were getting worse, much worse, but he had hid it’s severity from his father and Kenny. He lay in bed trying to make it go away. He counted up to one hundred. He did math problems, which he loathed, and he thought of how to break horses. Nothing took his mind away from the thought that there was morphine just steps away, and he needed it. He eventually gave in.

Joe made himself get quietly out of bed. He worked his way over to where he had seen Kenny hide the morphine. He was shaking violently by the time he reached the treasure’s hiding place. Joe put his hand on the bottle and breathed a sigh of relief. “Got it.” he said to himself as his hand grabbed hold of the vial. Joe pulled the cork and began to drink. He tasted the familiar relief and began drinking heartily. Just as he felt the tension waive, the bottle was slapped out of his hands.

“What are you doing?!” his father’s voice boomed.

Joe did not realize what had happened at first. As he realized that the morphine was gone, shattered against the wall, the rage overwhelmed him and he attacked. “DAMN YOU!” Joe said swinging at his father.

Joe was not totally cognizant of the fact that he was attacking his father. He was out of control and wanting to experience the relief of the medication he believed he had to have. Ben felt the blow land on his cheek and instinctively grabbed for Joe. He felt Joe pull back and Ben lunged forward. Joe struck again, landing a painful blow on his father. Ben finally grabbed hold and held Joe’s left arm. From there he was able to reel his son in. Joe was furious.

“Let me go! Let me go, DAMN YOU!”

Ben held on and moved Joe closer to him. He knew his son was out of control. He could feel Joe bucking furiously and fought to get his son under control. Joe was determined to strike out and was thrashing about.

“STOP IT!” Joe screamed. “LET ME GO!”

Joe’s anger was also tapping energy in his body. He would not be able to fight long, but as he was able he went forward full force. He was afraid and hurting. He thought the shaking and cramping was more than he could stand. Little did he know he had only experienced the beginnings of his body’s protest against losing the morphine.

Ben was being torn apart by his child’s struggle. Joe was fighting him and that in itself was painful, but that his child fighting him for morphine hurt him deeply. He had understood at one level what Kenny had described to him regarding Joe’s need for the drug, but he only truly felt it at that moment. His son had attacked him to get the liquid in the vial. His youngest, who up to this point had only verbally pushed against his father during the battles they undertook as part of Joe growing up, had never raised his hand to him. Now Joe had crossed that line and was in full attack. Ben knew Joe had a murderous rage in him, and Ben was the brunt of it. He struggled to control the rage.

Joe was angry and feeling the effects of withdrawal more and more. He wanted to grab his stomach due to the increased seizing, but he grabbed his father instead. He was so very angry and held his father accountable.

Kenny had been awakened by the first verbal exchange between father and son and stood back watching. She felt her heart break as she saw father and son locked in combat. She knew neither would give way willingly.

As Joe struggled he felt his body revolt. Although he had given himself the desired fluids, his body seized. He felt the cramp and was quickly doubled over in his father’s arms. It was much more intense than the others he had felt and he was immediately sick. Joe lost the precious morphine he was able to ingest before his father had stopped him. He felt violently ill. He began shaking and his body violently revolted.

“Pa, oh Pa!… Oh God!” was all Joe could exclaim before he was grabbed again by his own body’s fury.

Ben held his son as Joe’s body punished him for the loss of the morphine.

“Pa, it hurts, Pa!” Joe said, calling out to his one protector. The one Joe always called for when he was hurting.

“I’m here Joseph. I’m here. Son, hold on.”

“Pa…” was all Joe was able to express before he was seized again. As the torture died away, Joe relaxed but was soon grabbed again.

“Oh God…” was released from Joe before he was stricken again with the violent protest going on within him.

Ben had never felt so helpless. His child was suffering and he knew nothing of the problem. He saw Joe in pain and yet there was no bullet to remove, no wound to suture. His son had something wrong that Ben Cartwright knew nothing about.

Ben moved his son over to the bed and put him in it. He was crying openly. He wondered why he had to see Joseph as he was, and why his son had to have endured the whole experience beginning with Rebecca’s death. He longed for his child to return; the Joseph he knew before the accident. He prayed they would be getting a reprieve soon from God.

Joe’s withdrawal had entered a very painful, and unfortunately for Joe, long lasting period. The cramping began to be more and more present until it was constant. Joe was sweating profusely and tore at his clothes. He wanted to be free of the clothing because of the heat it retained.

“Pa, please! Help me! Pa please! I can’t do it! I can’t! It hurts too bad! Please! Help me Pa!” Joe begged as he grabbed at himself and his father.

Ben was in agony. Joe’s cries tore at him. His son was hurting and he could not stop it. For a brief second Ben entertained the idea of sending Kenny for more morphine. His boy was hurting and he wanted it to stop. But then Ben knew it was because of the morphine that Joe was hurting, and Joe needed to be rid of it. It killed him to see Joe so vulnerable. He felt impotent as a father.

Kenny went to a basin with water, grabbed a rag and brought it over to Joe. She sat on the floor next to Ben and helped wipe away the perspiration. “Joe, hang on. You’ll be okay. It’s gonna pass.” She said softly to him.

“Pa?! I can’t do this!”

“Son, I am here and we’ll do it together. You aren’t alone. You’ll make it. I’m gonna stay right here Joe. I won’t leave you, and we’ll do it together.”

The three endured the remainder of the night together and time seemed to stand still as Joe continued to fight through the withdrawal. He would cry out every so often and Ben would comfort him. As the sun rose in the meadow, Ben and Kenny were able to see more clearly the torment Joe was in. Joe’s hair was wet from perspiration and his clothes were soaked. The pain showed in his eyes and he would periodically look into his father’s eyes as if to draw strength from him.

As Joe fought the pain he moved in and out of reality. He would remain present for long periods of time, but then he would drift into a state in his head where he could not determine what was real and what was a product of the morphine withdrawal. The drug leaving his system caused his mind to create images that were not real and to have strange beliefs. Joe had no way of knowing that this was what was occurring and reacted to the images he saw as if they were present.

The withdrawal brought on behavior for which Ben feared he was again losing his son to madness. Joe had been relatively quiet for a long period, but this changed suddenly as he began to hallucinate, becoming convinced there were bugs crawling on him. He frantically tried to brush them off, but was not successful.

As Joe laid in bed he began saying, “Get ‘em off of me. Get ‘em off.” He sat up with a jolt and began rubbing his arms. Kenny and Ben looked on and each had no idea what Joe was talking about.

“Joe son, there’s nothing on you.” Ben said trying to help.

“Get ‘em off of me! Help me get ‘em!”

“Get what off son?”

“Don’t you see ‘em Pa? There’s more and more. Get away!” Joe jumped up and was out of bed.

Ben tried to touch Joe, and Joe immediately pulled away and started backing up. “Don’t touch me! Get away!”

Joe backed away from his father until he was in the corner of the cabin. He looked at his father with wild eyes and Ben kept his distance. “Son, what is on you? Tell me and I’ll help.”

“Bugs, everywhere bugs! Get ‘em away!”

Ben tried to take a step forward and Joe yelled, “Stay away! You did it! You put ‘em on me! Just stay away!”

Joe was making no sense. Ben’s mind returned to the day before Joe left the Ponderosa and he became despondent. It appeared Joe was again lost in his mind, although Ben felt that this time was worse. He was genuinely afraid Joe was insane.

“Son, come over and lie down.” Ben tried to coax Joe back to bed.

“Nuh uh!”

“Come on over here. I’ll help you.”

“Don’t you touch me! Stay away! You just stay right there!” Joe commanded as he tried to squeeze himself further into the corner and continued to brush off the imagined bugs. He slid down the wall and sat in the corner.

Kenny tried to intercede. “Joe? What can we do to help you?”

“Keep him away from me!”

“Okay Joe I’ll do that. Now you gotta calm down and come over here.” Kenny quietly said.

“NO! The bugs are there! No!”

Kenny sat on the bed and said, “No look Joe. They’re no bugs here. Come back over here, and you’ll be okay.”

What Kenny said confused Joe. He could not see any bugs on her yet he believed that is where they came from. He looked at his father and back to Kenny. “No it’s a trick. I’m gonna stay right here. You stay over there.”

Kenny allowed Joe to have his belief. “Okay Joe, stay there. What can we do to help?”

Joe did not know how to answer her. He wanted them to stay away and not hurt him. He had hurt so bad and was trying to escape the pain “You want me dead. You know it! You’re KILLING me! Get away!”

“Joe it is me Kenny. Remember me Joe?”

Kenny got Joe’s attention but he thought he was talking to another. “Bec? Why Bec? Why?” Joe asked of her. He believed Rebecca was there.

“Why what Joe?”

“Why does it hurt? Where’s my Pa?” Joe asked. “Pa’s not here Bec!”

“Son I’m here.” Ben offered. He felt so sad hearing Joe call to Rebecca.

Joe looked towards the voice he heard and said, “No! No! You want to hurt me! You’re not my Pa! Go away! Go away!”

Joe’s words cut through Ben. His son had no idea who he was. Kenny tried to intercede. “Joe, your Pa’s right there. That’s your Pa, Joe. Look at him!”

Joe looked at Ben as Ben looked at him. “Pa? No you’re not my Pa. Go away! You brought it. You go away! Leave me alone! The bugs! Get ‘em offa me Bec! Help me! Pa? Where are you?!”

Joe allowed Kenny to approach and she did so cautiously. He grabbed hold of her. “Bec? Bec? Where’s my Pa? Oh God Bec help me!” Joe was screaming as he swatted imaginary bugs.

Ben looked on as Kenny tried to help Joe. Ben was thwarted every time he tried to move towards his son. Joe watched him closely and would not allow his father to approach. Ben was heart broken, though he began to resolve himself to the idea of having a son who was insane. He began to accept that his son, the son he knew before the accident, was gone. He would take the new son and give him a good life. He would never give Joseph up, nor would he ever stop fighting for his son, but he began to believe his son, the boy they called Little Joe was gone. He had a stranger in his beloved son’s place, but it was still his son, and he would take care of him.

“Bec where’s my Pa?” Joe grasp held her tight. “Pa’s gone, Bec. I can’t find him! They’re gonna kill me, Bec! Help me!”

“Joe what do you want me to do?” Kenny asked.

Joe answered, “Help me Bec! Help me! Where’s Pa, Bec? I need my Pa, Bec. Pa?”

Ben called out, “Joseph, I’m here””

“Pa? Pa? Help me! Come help me!”

Ben could resist no longer. His son cried out for him and he approached. He hugged Joe, and Joe screamed, “No! No!” but Ben’s grip did not lessen.

Joe squirmed but soon gave in. He felt a familiar feeling. His father’s hug. He smelt a familiar smell. He was in his father’s arms. “Pa! Oh Pa! Oh God, help me Pa! Help me! Get ‘em offa me!”

“Joseph. I’m here. You’re gonna be okay, son. Your Pa is here. I’ll take it away.” Ben made all of the promises a parent makes a child to make them safe. He would save Joe from any dangers. He hoped Joe knew that.

“Pa? Pa you’re here.” Joe grabbed tighter to his father. “Pa! I need you!”

“Son I’m here.” Ben said, as he crouched down in the corner with his child.

“Pa, stay here. They’ll get me right here. You stay here and make ‘em leave Pa. You can fix it, you can. You’ll make it all better, and I’ll be all better. You’ll fix it Pa!” Joe then cried out, “No Pa! No! Help me! Where are you?’

Ben had not let go of Joe since he was able to grab hold without Joe’s strong protests. He spoke, “Joe, I’m here boy. I’m here. I’ll fight who ever needs to be fought. I’ll keep you safe, Joseph.”

“Pa, where’s Bec?”

“Joe, I’m here.” Kenny took over. She had no idea if Joe would let her be his Bec, but she wanted to ease the suffering she was seeing. She knelt and finally sat on the other side of Joe.

“Bec? ‘Kay Bec. Stay here. Right here.” Joe told her and continued to brush the imagined creatures from him.

Ben held firm to Joe and let him do whatever kept him calm. Joe shook violently and would at times call out, but as the hours passed Joe quieted and the exhaustion finally began to take it’s toll as he became tired. His eyes became heavy, but he fought sleep. Ben and Kenny would see his head nod, but then he would reawaken and fight drifting off.

Ben tried to help him, “ Son, you’re so tired. Go on to sleep. I’ll be here. You sleep for a while.”

“But Pa, I don’t wanna sleep. The dreams, they’re bad.”

Ben knew of what his son spoke. Joe had developed nightmares after his mother’s death and seemed to experience them whenever he was conflicted or troubled. Joe seemed to have great difficulty riding out the bad dreams and would struggle long hours trying to keep them away. It had been something that Ben had accepted and often used as an indicator to know if his youngest was troubled about something.

“Joe, you’ll be okay. Just close your eyes. I’ll be here.”

Joe fought sleep as long as he could and then it took over. His head finally came to rest on his father’s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm so it intertwined with his father’s. Ben felt his son’s grasp and knew he needed to stay there, allowing Joe to experience the safety a child feels only with his father. All three sat silent and not moving as Joe drifted deeper into sleep.

Ben listened to his child’s breathing and only dared to move Joe when he felt the slow rhythmic breathing of his child deep in sleep. It was known within the Cartwright family that Joe slept heavily. It had become a family joke after Joe had slept through a minor cattle stampede his first time on out on the annual cattle drive. Everyone else had scampered to contain the herd and returned an hour later to Joe still sound asleep in his overturned saddle. He never had any indication there had been trouble with the herd.

Ben gathered up Joe in his arms and moved him back to the bed. He looked down on his child and wiped away the sweat from his brow. Ben was so afraid he had lost the child he had found. He again prayed for his boy. He prayed for peace. He removed the sweat soaked shirt from Joe, as Joe continued to sleep heavily. As he then laid Joe in the bed he pulled up the blankets, brushed through Joe’s hair and said softly, “Joe, I’m here and I love you. You rest now. Just rest.”

The sun was setting as Kenny and Ben breathed the first sighs of relief they had in several days. Joe was quiet and seemed to be resting peacefully. Ben reluctantly left Joe’s side and moved over to the fire where he and Kenny talked quietly.

“Kenny, I must say, I’m relieved you are here, but I’m very confused over this whole ordeal. I’m not sure what to make of all of it. I’m not sure I can get past your setting my son up for that monster.”

“Mr. Cartwright, I don’t blame you at all. I know what I did was unforgivable. I have no excuse as I told you earlier, and after seeing what Joe is going through, I have no idea how I will live with this. I do have to tell you that Joe has taught me so much, and I am changed because he came to Sacramento. I know he has no idea what he has done, and I pray one day I can tell him.”

“Kenny, my son is a good person. All three of my boys are. I want you to know the Joseph that was here is only a shadow of my child. What I have seen my boy go through is almost more than I can bear. I see how you have helped us, and I am very grateful, but I also have a problem with your having hurt him.”

“Of course. I see how much you love him and how hard you are fighting for him. Mr. Cartwright, whatever you want to do, I accept. I know I’m different now, but I need to pay the price for what I’ve done.”

Ben looked at the young woman for a long while. He had seen her willingness to help in any way he had needed, but she was partially responsible for why he needed the help. Ben remained conflicted over the young woman’s role in Joe’s suffering. He did not feel he had an answer to how the situation should be handled. He knew what he would do to Shelby Butler, that was easy to decide. The law would be brought in immediately. But with this woman, it was much harder to determine the right thing to do.

Ben had so many questions regarding his son and what his son had experienced while away from the Ponderosa. He was unsure he would ever have them all answered. He knew his son had been changed by the experience he had undergone. Joe had endured a loss of innocence that Ben knew he could not replace. He simply hoped it had not damaged Joseph to the point where he could no longer function. Ben hoped he did not have to pay that price.

Ben decided to step out to get some air and to clear his head. He had felt tears as he thought of Joseph and wanted time alone. As Kenny sat by the fire, she heard a soft moan come from Joe. She looked in Joe’s direction and saw him starting to move about in the bed. She thought to herself, “Oh no Joe, you have got to be exhausted. You need to sleep.”

Kenny moved over to the bed as Joe tossed and turned. It was obvious he was having a bad dream and she sat next to him. As he rolled over onto his stomach she reached out and began to rub his back. Joe did not fully wake. She spoke quietly to him, “It’s okay, Joe. It’s just a bad dream. You’re fine. Your Pa is here, and you’re safe. Shhh, now.”

Ben walked back into the cabin and saw Kenny rubbing Joe’s back and talking softly to him. For a moment he flashed to Marie. When Little Joe was small, Marie insisted his cradle stay in their room, probably much longer than needed. Ben would wake in the night to see his wife rubbing Little Joe’s back and talking softly to him. She would then smile towards her husband and express how amazed she was at the beauty of their son. She would go on to say she knew that is how every mother felt, but she just could not believe the love she felt for Joseph. She never tired of looking and talking to their child.

Ben’s mind moved back to the present as he moved over to Kenny and Joe. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, I think he’s settling down again. He must have been having a bad dream.” Kenny stood and Ben took her place next to Joe.

Eventually as night fell and fatigue set in, Ben laid next to his son and was easily awaken in the night as Joe stirred with disturbed dreams. Ben would comfort his son, and Joe would calm and drift back into sleep.

The dreams Joe experienced were confusing and made little sense. The withdrawal left his mind troubled, trying to make sense of pictures and images while he slept. He found comfort in the soft words and gentle touch of his father and the dreams never progressed to the awful nightmares which he so greatly feared.

**************************

Morning came to the meadow and the cabin brightened with sunlight. Kenny rose and was busy trying to put together something for breakfast. The smell of coffee made Ben wake, and he joined Kenny in preparing the meal. Joe remained asleep and did not stir.

Ben decided to let his son sleep as long as he could. He and Kenny went outside, leaving the door cracked to listen for Joe and sat for breakfast. “Kenny, I’m realizing that there is really no way Joe can travel for a while. I need to get word to my boys at the ranch so they don’t worry. I’m very reluctant to leave Joseph to go to town.”

“Oh, Mr. Cartwright, say no more. I’ll go and send the wire. You just write out what you need and I’ll make sure it is sent. I can pick us up a few more supplies, and I can grab me some clothes. I reckon I need to help you for a while. I know I have no job to return to, so I’m at your disposal.”

Ben looked at the woman, hoping he could trust her. She had been so helpful, but what if she abandoned them there? He weighed his options and decided to trust her. “That would be most helpful. Here, I’ll write out the wire and give you some money.”

Ben helped Kenny saddle the horse Joe had ridden and she was soon off towards town. Ben had contemplated what he would tell Adam and Hoss and decided to keep the reason for the delay somewhat vague. He was unsure what he would tell his two oldest about Joseph’s current state. He did not want to alarm them, and he had no idea Joe’s mental condition.

As the morning wore on Joe showed no signs of waking. Ben finally decided he could stand it no longer and felt he needed to check on his son. He also had wanted to get some food into Joe to keep up his strength. Ben grabbed the food Kenny had prepared and moved over to Joe. “Joe, son wake up. Come on wake up.” He coaxed and shook Joe’s shoulder.

Joe groaned and rolled away from his father. Ben continued to coax. “Joe, come on time to wake up. Wake up, boy.”

Joe mumbled and it was obvious he was half asleep, “Awe come on, Pa. I’m tired.”

“I know you are Joe, but you need to wake up and eat something.”

“Naugh,… not hungry… tired.”

“Joseph, wake up now. Come on, roll over here and look at me.”

Joe had never before experienced the level of fatigue he felt. He had slept many hours, but remained exhausted. He begrudgingly opened his eyes and looked at his father. “Yeah?”

“Son sit up here and eat. You haven’t kept anything down for days. Come on here sit up.”

Joe dragged himself into a seated position. He was numb from sleep and was quiet. Ben sat the bowl of soup on the night stand and handed Joe a spoon. Joe took it in his hand and moved slowly as he ate a few bites. Ben tried small talk but only was rewarded with only “uh huh’s” and “uh uh’s”. He wanted Joe to talk to see how his son’s mental state was. Joe remained quiet.

Ben walked over to get Joe some more water from the kitchen area and by the time he returned to his son, Joe was sitting in bed, leaning against the wall, fast asleep with the spoon still in his hand and soup still in the spoon.

“Okay son, you win. Go to sleep.” Ben said smiling as he removed the spoon from Joe’s hand and lowered his son back into bed.

**************************

Kenny headed into town to send the wire and take care of some business. She was leery of Shelby seeing her, so she decided to be as inconspicuous as possible. She made her way to the telegraph office and then walked to the saloon. She went around to the back entrance and made her way up the stairs to her room. When she entered her room she saw it was in shambles. Her things were broken, and little was left of any value. Kenny knew who had done this, and she also knew there was a message in the vandalism. Shelby was now after her. She was very aware she had to be careful.

She threw some clothes into a bag and gathered a few things of sentimental value. She began to feel relieved that there was nothing left for her in the Cock 'o the Walk Saloon. She was making a clean break. She then exited her room and went into the one Joe had occupied while he had been there. It too had been torn apart and the room was destroyed. She grabbed some of his clothes and a few things she thought he may want and then exited the Saloon from the back.

Her final stop was the bank. Kenny made arrangements for all of the money she had to be sent for with a wire, whenever she reached her traveling destination. She was developing a sense of guilt with regards to how the money was obtained, and she wanted to think about what she wanted done with it once the crisis with Joe was over, and she paid the price for her willingness to collude with Shelby.

Kenny almost had a clean get away from Sacramento. Almost. Shelby was walking out of the Saloon when Kenny was leaving the bank. She did not see him because he immediately ducked back in the swinging doors and watched her. Shelby saw Kenny was wearing what looked like man's clothes and walked over to a bay horse. He knew whose horse it was instantly, and he felt a rage overtake him. He had realized the kid and his father had run out on him, and he was trying to think of how to best manage the procuring of the five thousand dollars the kid’s father had agreed to pay him. He would not be stiffed in the deal. Shelby saw it as they had made an agreement, and Ben Cartwright owed him.

Shelby had also come to realize that Kenny was gone as well. He did not know where she had gone, but he had not thought she would be with the kid and his father. He had thought that the father would take one look at Kenny, see her as trash and send her packing. He had no concept of how the Cartwrights operated.

As Shelby watched Kenny go towards the horse, mount up and ride away, he formed his plan. He would make them pay.

**************************

Adam and Hoss had received the initial wire from their father when Ben first arrived in Sacramento and were informed Little Joe had been found and was safe. Both brother’s breathed a sigh of relief as they read that Ben would be returning shortly with Joe.

Both had been in town taking care of various business when the telegram from Sacramento arrived. It was Hoss who was notified that there had been a telegram from his father. He was surprised to be told there was a wire, because he and Adam were expecting their father and Joe back any day.

Hoss read the telegram.

ADAM (stop)

DELAYED ON RETURN (stop) NOT TO WORRY (stop) HAVE JOE (stop) TYING UP BUSINESS (stop) UNKNOWN WHEN RETURN TO PONDEROSA (stop) TAKE CARE OF HOSS AND RANCH (stop) WILL SEND WORD SOON (stop)

PA (stop)

Hoss was confused by what he read. He wondered why his father not bringing Joe home. Hoss soon found Adam and showed him the telegram. Adam had the same question as Hoss. He was confused at what his father was doing, but he also knew that if there had been real trouble their father would have used the code they had developed years ago and would have asked him to look after Erik. Ben had developed the code with Adam just in case either were in a precarious situation and needed the other to know without other's being wise to the clue. By Ben using Hoss's nickname rather than his given name of Erik, Adam felt his father was telling him everything was fine.

“Hey Adam, why you reckon Pa stopped and isn't bringin' Joe right home?” Hoss asked, his disappointment showing.

“I have no idea Hoss. I know you really want Joe home, and Pa knows it too. Something must have come up. And, in a way, we’re lucky, cause we still have to catch that wild pony of our little brother’s.”

Adam and Hoss had tried several times to catch Cochise and each time the pinto had out maneuvered them The pony at first did not allow them to approach at all, but as the days passed, Cochise would let them get close, but was quickly away before they were within distance of putting a rope on her. Little did Adam and Hoss know, Joe was relating to his father in a similar manner.

**************************

Joe slept much of the day. Ben would periodically check on him, and when Joe would stir, Ben was right at his side. Ben was grateful Joe had been given a reprieve and was able to rest. His son had looked so tired for a very long time. It did not surprise Ben the amount of sleep Joe was needing and did everything he could to make certain his son slept.

Joe finally stirred and woke in the afternoon. He lay in the bed, eyes closed, as he came back to consciousness. He felt an excruciating headache and was extremely thirsty. Emotionally he felt very dark. Darker than he had felt since leaving the Ponderosa. He had no way of knowing the darkness he felt was enhanced by the morphine withdrawal. He only knew he was back in a very bad place in his mind.

His thirst finally drove him to open his eyes and begin to get out of bed. As he sat up, his head throbbed. He felt queasy and as if his arms and legs were made of lead. He looked over and saw his father sitting with a book, but looking at him.

"Hey son, how do you feel?" Ben asked, showing concern.

"Mmm, okay." Joe said flatly, running his hands through his hair and standing. He grabbed his shirt from where his father had placed it and put it on, but did not button it.

"Can I get you anything?"

"I'll get it." Joe started to walk to the kitchen area. He found some water and drank it quickly. It did not seem to even touch his thirst. Ben moved over to Joe and was watching him.

"Need more?" Ben offered.

"Uh, yeah, I feel like I haven't drunk anything for a week."

"Well, you've been so... uh... sick and sweating and everything, I'm not surprised."

His father's referral to the last couple of days made Joe return there in his mind. It had all been so terrifying, and he had not understood it. He questioned if he would be subjected to that type of experience over and over in his life. He believed if that were the case then there was nothing that would keep him from ending his life. He could not tolerate the terror any further. His family's love would not be enough to save him. He knew that, and he began again thinking of a way to die.

Ben handed Joe one of the canteens from their supplies, and Joe drank heartily. Ben then told him, "Joe, I want you to eat now."

Joe was not hungry but thought maybe he would not feel so weak if he ate, so he acquiesced. Ben sat quietly with his son as he ate. Joe was relieved to discover that his stomach cooperated, and he was able to hold down the meal.

After eating, Joe stood and limped towards the door. Ben asked, "Son, where're you going?"

Joe stopped, but did not turn around, "I was gonna go outside, Pa"

"I told you before son, you cannot go out by yourself. I'll go with you."

Joe rolled his eyes and said, "Suit yourself." He then continued to move outside.

Ben followed behind. Once outside and looking around, Joe noticed something seemed to be missing, and then it dawned on him. "Pa, where're the horses?"

"I put them somewhere safe where you couldn't get to them and take off."

Joe turned and looked at his father with a look of total disbelief. "You hid the horses?... From me?... You actually did that Pa?... Why?" Joe asked, knowing full well why his father had done what he had.

"So you don't take off Joseph. I won't let you run away again."

"You'd do that to me? You'd not trust me? I told you I gave up, and you did that anyway?" Joe was feeling angry, but not at his father's lack of trust. It was because his father was watching him so closely and was cutting off ways of escaping. "What else did you hide?"

"Joe you have taken off twice, and I cannot let you do it again. You need my help son, and you’re running away does nothing to help you."

"Am I now your prisoner?!"

"No, you are not a prisoner."

"Well, Pa, I guess I should be, 'cause that's the ONLY way I’m gonna go home with you! I'm not going home Pa! I won't do it, and if you happen to get me there, then the second I can, I'm gone again! I can't go there!"

"Joe we don't need to discuss this now. Calm down and relax. We're not going anywhere for a while."

"Nothing is gonna change my mind, Pa! Nothing!"

"Joseph, son, please. We don't need to have every conversation be a battle. We can talk calmly. We don't even have to discuss going home right now. You are so weak, and you need to rest up first. We can wait as long as you need to get stronger."

Joe stood staring at his father. He thought, "Have you heard anything I just said? Do you hear me at all? Even if I’m stronger, I'm not going back.” Joe said, "Whatever you say, Pa." And walked over to the chopping block and sat down.

Joe sat staring at the ground wondering how he was going to get away. He stopped his planning when he heard a horse approach. He looked up to see Kenny ride up on the bay. "Hey Joe, you feel better?"

"I'm okay." He said standing and reaching for the horse's bridle to hold the horse for Kenny to dismount.

"I grabbed some of your stuff from your room and got you some more clothes."

"Thanks for doin' that." Joe said with no intonation in his voice. "I gotta get cleaned up."

Joe turned to his father and asked sarcastically, "Do you have a problem with me going over to the stream there and cleaning up, or are you afraid I'll jump in and swim away?" He thought to himself, "Maybe I'll jump in and drown."

"I wish you didn't need to speak to me that way, but no Joseph, I have no problem with you doing that. We'll give you some privacy, but I want you to know I'm right here."

"Oh, I am very aware of that, Pa." Joe said and limped down to the stream.

The stream behind the cabin was down a small hill, and Joe could be seen if he stood, but if he knelt down, whomever was at the cabin would have to walk to the crest of the hill to see him. Joe knelt down to the water's edge and scooped up water in his hands and washed his face and wet his hair. The cold water felt refreshing and he kept his eyes closed. He did not see the man approach him.

Joe was suddenly grabbed by the back of the hair. He heard the sound of a gun cock and felt it pressed against his temple. "Howdy, kid."

"Shelby." Joe said, identifying the man.

"Ah, good. Glad you weren't such a drunk you forgot your old buddy. So this is where you're held up huh? Nice place."

"What do you want?"

"Just what’s mine, kid." Shelby said, pulling Joe to his feet by his hair. "Come on, up the hill ya go, ya crip."

As Joe stood, Ben looked over and saw his son and Shelby. His heart was in his throat as he saw Shelby with a gun pointed at Joe.

Shelby looked at Ben as he ascended the hill with Joe. "Well hello there, Mr. Cartwright. I believe I have something of yours. And if I recall, you have something of mine."

"Let him go, Shelby. You're making an big mistake."

"Oh no, it’s you who made the mistake thinking you could run out without giving me my money. That may prove to be fatal for your bad seed here." Shelby said, pointing with his gun at Joe. "And where is the lovely Kenny? Oh, Kenny, ya whore, get out here."

Kenny had gone into the cabin to change clothes and had not heard Shelby until he called for her. She immediately knew they were all in a lot of danger. Kenny appeared in the doorway and moved outside.

"There ya are, Kenny. Thought you could just up and leave did ya now? Thought you could come play house with this drunk and his Pa, huh? You were so wrong there, Kenny. Ya shoulda known I'd find you. You so sadly underestimated me."

"What do you want, Shelby?" Kenny asked, trying to seem unaffected by the man’s words.

"Oh darlin', you should know by now I want everything. And you should also know by now I tolerate betrayal poorly. You really thought you could run away with your lover here? Kenny, he doesn't even know you exist." Shelby started laughing. "It was hilarious to watch you in the saloon pining over this piece of garbage, and him not knowing you existed. Geez kid, you were so far gone most of the time I'm not sure you knew much of anything. Let me enlighten you. You see Kenny here..."

Joe had seen the look on Kenny's face and knew she was on the verge of breaking down from what Shelby was saying. He interrupted Shelby, "Shelby shut up and save it. What do you want?"

Joe's response enraged Shelby and he pulled back his gun and hit Joe hard on the shoulder with the gun butt. This resulted in Joe's legs buckling some and he started to fall. Shelby held him up by his hair and continued to talk. "Oh Kenny look. Your lover here is defending your honor. Isn't that sweet. Now lover, you'll keep your yap shut and continue to listen. Where was I?... Oh yes, I was telling you about how Kenny here is in love with you, and she has this wild idea you care in the slightest for her. Now, I know and you know that nothing is further from the truth, ‘cause I know what you care about, and it comes in a little vial. Oh I'm sorry, Joe, I should a brought ya some, but I had to leave in a hurry to follow Kenny here."

Ben had been standing, ever watchful of Shelby and also sizing up the situation. He knew he had a gun behind the woodpile with the tack and the woodpile was not that far from him. He had to figure a way to get the gun and get Shelby.

“Now this is what is gonna happen here, folks.” Shelby had a wicked grin on his face as he first talked to Ben and then to Joe. “Cartwright, you are gonna get me my money, and you are gonna be quick about it. You see, I really hate this brat of yours and would love to put a bullet in him and be done with it, but for some reason you seem to think he’s worth saving. Seems to me, he’s a spoiled rich kid who has no self control. Well, spoiled rich kid, I think you should be humbled some. What do you think?”

With that Shelby kicked the back of Joe’s knees, and Joe fell into a kneeling position. Shelby remained holding Joe by the hair, and he then put the gun back up to Joe’s temple. “Hey, this is much better. I like it.”

Joe had been listening to Shelby, but it was hard for him to be afraid. The darkness he was feeling made him believe that he deserved what Shelby was doing. The withdrawal from the drug left him confused and unable to think very clearly. The more he listened to Shelby, the more he did not resist him, and the more he began to believe him.

“This is what is gonna happen.” Shelby instructed. “Cartwright, you will ride into town. You’ll have three hours to go there and come back. In town, you get me my money. I don’t care if you rob a bank to do it. Just get it. Meanwhile, me, and Kenny, and Joe are gonna hold tight here. If you’re late, or bring anyone back with you, the brat will have a bullet in his head.”

Ben asked a question to stall for time. “How do I know you will not kill him while I’m gone?”

“That you don’t. Will make for an anxious ride I know, but, well, I don’t care now do I? You know Cartwright, I still don’t get it. You could just write this kid of yours off and be rid of one huge problem.”

Shelby then pulled Joe’s head back so that Joe and he were looking at each other. “Hey kid. Why do you limp? You done somethin’ you shouldn’t have? You go gettin’ into trouble? I bet you messed up big and got the limp to prove it. You know Joe I bet you are the cause of a lot of heartache now aren’t you? I bet you’re the bad apple that has broke your poor Pappy’s heart. And where’s your ma? She die of embarrassment over you, or she home sick with grief over the waste of life she spawned?”

Shelby’s words were affecting Joe. He was saying all of what Joe felt about himself. Joe believed he had caused a lot of heartache and did not struggle at all with Shelby. He started to surrender to the man and realized this was what he had wanted. Shelby would be his savior. Shelby would end the pain, and Joe would be free.

Ben watched Joe as Shelby talked. His son had always been a fighter and what he saw scared him. Joe was listening almost as if he was hypnotized by the evil man’s words. Ben watched as Joe submitted to the vile words spoken. Ben knew things were becoming extremely dire.

Kenny was also seeing what was happening to Joe. Joe’s body posture changed. His shoulders slumped, and his body was almost limp. While Shelby was focused on shaming Joe, Kenny looked over at Ben and caught his eye. Ben motioned with his head to the woodpile. Kenny saw the butt of a gun visible to her and Ben. She knew Ben was planning something.

Just then Joe spoke, “Shoot me, Shelby. Shoot me.”

No one could believe what Joe had said. Shelby asked, “What did you say?” questioning what he had heard.

“SHOOT ME!” Joe screamed.

Shelby was trying to make sense of what Joe had yelled when Ben realized he had the distraction he needed. Ben dove for the woodpile and felt his hand grab the gun. He knew he had very little time and only one chance to hit Shelby before Shelby had a chance to shoot Joe. Ben took the shot. Shelby fell backwards and his gun discharged sending a bullet harmlessly into the air. Shelby’s hand remained grasped to Joe’s hair, so Joe was pulled backwards with Shelby. Shelby lost grip of his gun and it sailed through the air landing away from the dead man and Joe.

Joe was momentarily stunned and did not move. As he realized what had happened, and he was still alive, desperation set in. He rolled over onto his stomach and started to rise. He then looked up and saw Shelby’s gun laying in the grass. The confusion and darkness were driving him. He had to get the gun and end it he told himself. He began to crawl towards the weapon.

Ben and Kenny saw what Joe was going for and both ran to the gun. Joe was about to reach out for it when Ben grabbed it. “No Joseph!”

Joe fell onto his stomach and put his arms around his head. He spoke quietly to his father, all the while staring at the ground. “He’s right Pa. Shelby’s right. I need to die. I want to die.”

Ben went to his son and placed a hand on Joe’s back. “But Joe, he wasn’t right. You can’t die. I can’t lose you. Hoss and Adam can’t lose you. Shelby was wrong, boy. You’ve given me so much joy when you were home and heartache is all I have felt since you have been gone.”

“But I killed her, and I don’t wanna live with it anymore. I don’t wanna keep it in me. I don’t wanna live.”

“Son, you don’t have to keep it in you. That’s where you have been so wrong in all of this. Why do you think you have to keep it all to yourself?”

With that question, Joe lifted his head and looked at his father. “I don’t know, Pa. I just have to.”

“Son, you do this so much. You carry your burdens all alone, and they eat you up. You can ask for help, and it will be there.”

Joe listened to his father, but there was something that held him back and made him doubt what he heard. He had no idea why he doubted, but he did. He was confused. There were so many jumbled thoughts and feelings blended together. He felt leery of his father. He believed he could not talk to him. “Pa, we’ve gone over this and over this. When it got so bad at home you saw what happened. You know there is something in me that is uh… uh… geez, I don’t even know what to call it. I don’t want that in me, and I don’t want to talk about it. All I do want is to be with her, and it is the only thing that would fix it all.”

“How would it fix it son?” Ben wanted to encourage Joe to talk.

Joe hesitated before speaking. He wanted to stop talking. He wanted to push away. He rolled over and sat up facing away from his father. “It just would, Pa. It would.”

“And son, how am I supposed to go on if you are dead? How are Hoss and Adam supposed to go on?”

His father’s questions made him feel guilty. He did not want to think of what he was being asked. “If it had happened the way it was supposed to Pa I would have been, uh,… by now we would have been,… uh…I wouldn’t have lived there anyway. I would have been…” Joe trailed his words off.

“Married?” Ben helped.

Joe said nothing as he flinched at the word his father had spoken.

“Son, you being married and off with your own family is very different than you being dead.”

Joe allowed his mind to briefly think how his life would have been if Rebecca was still with him. His thoughts were of making a home, laughing through life and loving each other. He wanted that life. Joe thought to himself, “I wanted the happily ever after. To be truthful, I still do. I want it with her.”

He said to his father, “Pa, I’m really tired. We keep talking about the same things, and I don’t see it any different. You don’t understand. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” And with that he stood up and walked away.

Ben looked at his child’s back as he watched him put more distance between them. He thought of what he had seen and heard with Shelby. His son had actually said, “shoot me.” He could hardly believe it. He thought to himself, “Joseph, my boy, I don’t want you dead. You scare me to death. I can’t lose you son. You are my boy. You’re supposed to outlive me. I’ve got to reach you.”

Joe moved to sit on the grass much further away. Ben could see him, so he did not protest. Joe sat in the same spot the remainder of the day. He was very tired, but refused to give in to it. He thought of so much. His life at home, his of love of Rebecca, and for some strange reason his mind kept returning to the death of his mother. He had no idea what it all meant.

Kenny volunteered to go after the sheriff and had taken off again for the city soon after Ben and Joe’s discussion ended. The sheriff arrived with Kenny after night fall. He took statements from the three and took away Shelby’s body. Nothing was mentioned of Kenny’s involvement with Shelby.

Joe remained quiet through the evening and when it was time for bed, he laid staring at the ceiling until he finally fell asleep. He rested peacefully, and the first part of the night was free of dreams. Then it came.

Joe and Rebecca were in their meadow together. Rebecca was reading to Joe. He had his head in her lap and she was running her hands through his hair, and he was thoughtlessly playing with hers. The only thing that did not quite make sense to him was he smelled rose water. It did not bother him, but that smell did not belong with Rebecca. He felt so happy and content. There was a peacefulness that he seldom felt as he lay there listening to her. Her voice was calm and hypnotizing, and he heard a southern accent.

Rebecca moved him from her lap, and she stood. She walked away. Joe was suddenly at the lake and started looking for Rebecca. He had a feeling she was there, but he could not find her. He walked towards his mother’s grave and there was a woman with her back to him standing where the grave should be. He suddenly felt desperate to have her turn around. He wondered if it was Rebecca. As he approached her, his father appeared and grabbed his arm and pulled him away. He struggled and fought to get to the woman, but his father was winning the tug-of-war. He tried to talk to his father and tell him what he needed. He needed help in getting to the woman, but when he looked at his father, his father had no ears. His father could not hear him. He felt afraid. He desperately wanted his father to hear him and stop pulling him away.

He broke free of his father and ran to the woman. He turned her around and it was his mother’s face he saw before him.

His mother did not speak, but pointed to the tombstone that was next to her. It had the wedding invitation on it. The epitaph read, “Murdered by Joseph Cartwright”. She turned and walked away from him. He looked at his father who was also walking away. “No, no, come back! Come back! I need you…”

“Joe, son wake up. Wake up. You’re having a bad dream. Wake up now.” Ben was trying to pull Joe out of the thickness of the dream.

Joe bolted up right into his father’s arms. He wrapped his arms around his father and held on tight. He felt young and afraid. He was relieved his father was there.

“You’re okay, son. It was just a dream.” Ben said, feeling Joe trembling.

The two sat in an embrace for a moment, and then Joe pulled away. “Uh, sorry ‘bout that.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Joe. You want to talk about it?”

“It was just a dream.”

“I know in the past it helped you to talk about it. Tell me what the dream was about.”

Joe looked at his father and was trying to decide if he would share the dream. It had disturbed him deeply. He decided to share what he had dreamt. As he told the dream he shook. Ben listened attentively and said nothing until Joe had finished speaking. He was unsure of what the dream meant and was not certain how best to help. “Son, thank you for telling me. Is there anything I can do?”

Joe knew what he wanted his father to do, but he felt foolish to even ask it. He felt he was supposed to be grown, yet what he wanted was something a child would want and was hesitant to ask. He wondered what his father would think of him. He lowered his head embarrassed.

Ben lifted his son’s chin. “What is it?”

“Uh… could you, um… would you, ah, sleep next to me, Pa?”

Ben felt encouraged. This was the first time his son had asked for help since the accident. “Certainly, Joe.”

Ben laid next to his son. Joe felt himself begin to relax, and he finally fell back asleep.

**************************

Morning arrived, and Joe woke slowly. He did not hear anything in the cabin and open his eyes to see that it was empty. He immediately felt panicked. He jumped out of bed and moved as quickly as he could to the door and looked outside. He saw his father sitting, talking with Kenny. He felt the panic leave him as he was reassured of his father’s presence.

Ben noticed Joe at the door and saw the expression on his son’s face and asked, “Son, everything all right?”

“Uh, yeah.” Joe responded and returned inside.

Ben entered the cabin and asked, “Son, you looked upset just then. Something happen?”

Joe had no idea why he felt the panic he had. He knew he had felt that feeling other times, but he had no understanding of why he was feeling it just then. He continued to remain confused in his mind and everything at times would jumble up. That made him very uncomfortable and made him feel like he was out of control, and he hated it. “Uh no, Pa. I just heard a noise, s’all.”

Ben had been waiting for Joe to wake in order to speak with his son about the events of the previous day. He had viewed Joe’s asking for help the previous evening as progress, although painfully slow. “Son, about yesterday. We need to talk about it.”

“What is there to talk about. I thought we did already.”

“No son, there is so much we have not talked about. You need to trust me and open up.”

“Pa, I’ve tried, and there’s just something stopping it. I don’t know what it is. All I do know is I can’t go back home. It will make me crazy, Pa, I know it will.”

“Son, I have been thinking, and I know how scared you are to go back. We’re going to stay here as long as it takes.”

“But what if I can never go back?”

Ben had thought about that as well. After seeing Joe yesterday so desperate to die, he had come to a decision. If it was a choice between his son’s life and returning to the Ponderosa, he would choose his son’s life. He would move his family where ever he needed to take them. “Then Joe, you never go back. But, I hope it does not mean you cannot have your family with you. I would give up the ranch, and me, and you, and Hoss, and Adam would make a new life somewhere else.”

Ben’s answer deeply affected Joe. He knew how much his father loved and valued the ranch, and the idea his father would give it up for him was amazing. Just then Joe felt a glimmer of hope. It was small and fleeting, but he so wanted to believe there was a resolution from the despair. He was uncertain if he truly could believe.

**************************

Joe took up his customary place sitting outside and staring out into the scenery. Ben and Kenny never let him out of their sight, but each held back and gave him space. Ben had decided he would approach Joe slowly, but he would not let up on the pressure to get his son to open up. He would approach his son as he would a skittish colt. He would let Joe run, but only so far, and then he would re-approach. He was determined to get through.

Kenny sat and watched Joe. She was confused about what she felt and what she wanted. She knew she needed to talk to him, so she risked it and approached him. Joe was sitting with his left leg pulled up and his arms around it. He looked lost in thought when Kenny walked up and spoke. “Mind if I sit down?”

“Huh?” Joe returned to the present and looked at her. “Oh, uh, yeah go ahead.”

“Can we talk?” Kenny asked cautiously.

Joe studied her a moment and then answered, “Yeah.”

“Joe, I am so sorry for all you have been through, I truly am. I feel terrible for my part in all of it. You’ve had it really rough, and I took advantage of that.”

Joe looked at her and was able to let himself feel something. He felt compassion. “Kenny, you’ve apologized enough. I’m not holding you responsible for any of this. You need to quit feelin’ so bad. I didn’t say anything to the sheriff, and I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna let my Pa say anything either. You’re free, Kenny. There is nothin’ over your head.” Joe spoke very quietly to her, and although he showed no emotion, Kenny could see Joe meant what he said.

Kenny’s eyes filled with tears. “Joe, you don’t have to do this.”

“Yeah, I do Kenny. I wouldn’t want you to have to suffer ‘cause of Shelby. You don’t deserve that. You’re a good person.”

“So are you, Joe. I have been wanting to tell you some stuff, and I guess now is as good a time as any. Yesterday, when you wanted Shelby to shoot you, it just broke my heart. I want you to live Joe, and I want you to get better.”

As the conversation turned to him and his problems, Joe became more restless. “Um, I’m not sure I’ll get better Kenny. I’m really not. I know how bad my Pa wants me to, and I know you’ve said it, but this is,… so hard… it’s so hard for me. Something has happened to me that I don’t understand and am not sure I ever can. I have no idea why I can’t just be dead.”

“That’s part of why I wanted to talk to you. Joe, you have no idea what you have done for me. You changed my life. Your coming to Sacramento was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Joe was surprised at Kenny’s revelation. He had been so out of his head through most of his friendship with her, he had no idea what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is you’ve changed my life. You came into Sacramento and you were different than the others. You were an innocent. You did not deserve what was done to you. I had looked at the world as take from it what you can, because someone is always gonna take from you. You weren’t like that.”

“Kenny, I haven’t been very nice to you, and I’m certainly not innocent in any form of that word, believe me.”

“Yes you are, Joe. You loved a girl with all your heart, and you lost her. You feel responsible. You feel guilty, and you’re trying to escape. I’ve heard nothing that makes it so that you deserved any of this. You didn’t deserve to lose your girl. You didn’t deserve what Shelby and I did. You didn’t deserve any of it.

“And, as far as you being mean to me, you’re pretty easy to read, you know. You don’t play a mean guy very well. Oh yeah at times you were nasty, but I could see where it came from, and I understood. Joe, you’ve gotta stop running. My only hope for you is that you can learn to live with yourself, and your hurt. You’re too good a person to let it consume you. You’re hurting so badly. You know since you told me of her, I have thought Rebecca was such a lucky girl. She had your love. What an incredible gift you gave her. I really pray you find the peace you need. I pray you find a way to go on, because you must, you know. You’re so young and have so many more hearts to break."

“Joe, stop running and realize that you have it all in your family. Your father loves you so much. He really does. I see it. And you need him, I can tell. You still have more growin’ to do. You need to do it in a safe place. This world is too dangerous for people like you. You’re an innocent who trusts too much and hurts too deeply when the story doesn’t turn out the way you dreamed it. I hope you keep that quality though. I’d hate to see you harden your heart to the way you think you want it. You hid in the whiskey and the morphine because you want to stop feeling. But what you missed Joe, was your feelings are what saved me. Your feelings are what make you so wonderful. I just pray you allow yourself to live long enough to see it.”

Joe felt very uneasy as Kenny spoke, and he said nothing. He found himself wanting to be numb, and he thought of a drink and how bad he could use one. Kenny reached over and took Joe’s hand and felt that he was shaking. “You’ve gotta return to your family Joe. Your Pa has been telling me so much about you, and I can tell he misses you terribly. You’ve gotta find yourself Joe. You gotta look real hard and bring that man back. He sounds simply wonderful.”

Kenny could say no more without telling Joe she was in love with him. She had gone back and forth in her mind regarding what she should say to him. She so much wanted to tell him that they had made love. That he had taught her real love, but she knew she could not tell him. She knew he would feel as if he had betrayed Rebecca. She had to keep the secret. She had to live with wanting him and not being able to have him.

“Kenny, I don’t know what to say. It is all so confused in me, and I just don’t want to feel it. I don’t know if I can feel it. All I feel is all frozen up inside and most of the time that is just fine with me. It’s when I can’t freeze it that I get…” Joe had said more than he thought he could say.

“Afraid, Joe? Is it you get afraid?”

He looked at her, and his look answered her question. She continued on. “I think when you’re afraid may be the best time to talk about it.”

Joe looked away from her and watched a bird hop over a rock. He fleetingly wondered what, if anything, birds had to worry about in their lives. He asked softly, “But what if you don’t know what you’re afraid of? What if it is this thing in you that you have no idea what it is, and you can’t get it out?”

“I think then you keep trying, and you don’t give up. You let people help you. You let your Pa help you.”

As Kenny mentioned his father Joe looked over to where he was sitting outside. He loved his father very much and knew his father loved him, but there was something between them. Joe was feeling it more and more. He was realizing there was something he felt regarding his father that he had never admitted to himself. He felt he could not trust him. He had no idea where the feeling came from, but it seemed almost to be getting worse. He vowed he would never tell his father, and he would make it go away. He felt guilty for not trusting.

Kenny and Joe’s conversation died away slowly. They ended up sitting without speaking. Joe mulled what she had said over in his head, and Kenny allowed herself a brief daydream of a life with Joe. Both were lost in thought.

**************************

Days passed as Joe gained his strength, and Ben waited out his son. Ben would gently approach Joe, and his son would verbally scamper away. The nights were hard for Joe, and Ben slept next to him without Joe having to ask. Joe cried out often in the night, and Ben heard more and more of what Joe was dreaming. He wondered what it meant.

Joe was beginning to feel better physically. He was eating more regular, and his color was coming back as he sat outside. Emotionally, he vacillated between being numb and being down. He remained quiet and spent most of his day in his head. He found himself from time to time fighting off craving a drink or the morphine. The times were the worst when he was down. He would quickly begin to desire a drink or the numbness of the drug. During these times he held on tight and waited for it to pass.

Joe was standing leaning against a tree, thinking of the time he had taught Rebecca to skip rocks over the water. He had been taught by Adam and would spend times sitting and skipping rocks as he and his friends talked. Rebecca, always wanting to do just as the boys did, asked Joe to teach her. He showed her numerous times, but Rebecca had difficulty getting the hang of it. Joe started to tease her, saying the reason she could not do it was because she was a girl. Rebecca responded to this by giving him a big shove which sent him into the water. That started the free for all. Joe stood in the water and pulled Rebecca in. She grabbed hold of another boy who was pulled in with her. Eventually, all of them were soaked and having the time of their lives.

As Joe remembered, he smiled. He loved those times when they were young and life was not so painful. If he had his way, he would remain forever in the memories.

Ben approached and saw Joe with a smile on his face. He could tell his son was somewhere else in his head. He said, “Looks like you’re thinking of something pleasant.”

Joe was brought back to the present by his father’s voice. “Uh, yeah.” He answered, as he rolled his body off of the tree and started to walk away.

“Joe wait. Don’t walk away. Come sit for a few minutes. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

Joe stopped and turned around. He looked at his father and said. “I feel better. I think my leg is gettin’ stronger. It doesn’t hurt as bad.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear that. I think getting you eating regularly and getting you some sleep is helping don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Joe said without enthusiasm.

“You up to talking?”

“About?”

“Well, I was hoping we could talk about how you’re coping with things. I know the nightmares are bad, and you seem very down. Anything I can do?”

“Nope. Nuthin’.” Joe answered, but thought, “Yeah, get me a drink.”

Ben was frustrated. He tried to hold his temper, but it was getting difficult. He knew to go slow, but Joe was so distant. It was all he could do not to raise his voice. “You’ve been talking about your mother a lot in your sleep. What do you think it means?”

“I dunno. Probably nothin’.”

“Son, why do you insist on being so closed to me?” Ben challenged. He decided to push a little.

“I’m not doin’ it on purpose. I just don’t know why.”

“Well try and talk to me, and maybe we can find out what the problem is.”

Joe eyed his father with suspicion. “Fine! What should we talk about, Pa?” Joe asked in a sarcastic tone.

“I’m not the enemy. I’m trying to help you.”

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Joe continued to answer in the same tone.

“How ‘bout telling me what you were thinking about when I walked up?” Ben was grasping at anything to get through to his son.

“I was thinkin’ about her, Pa. What else do you think I think about all the time; every hour of every day?!” Joe’s anger was increasing.

“Son, why can’t you say her name? Why do you never say Rebecca’s name out loud?”

Joe glared at his father. “I say her name. I say it all the time.”

“No you don’t son. You haven’t said her name since I told you she was dead. What is it about her name Joe?”

“Leave me alone!” Joe responded.

“No son, I won’t. What is it about her name?”

“There is nothing about her name! Drop it, Pa!”

“Say her name, Joe. Say it.”

“No! You don’t understand! Leave me alone!”

“I do understand, son. Believe me, no one understands more than me. Tell me. Say her name.”

“Pa, I’m warning you! Stop it!” Joe was looking around for an escape.

“I’m here to help you Joe. I’ve always been here, and I always will be. Now say her name.”

“This is stupid, Pa! No! You can’t make me! There is nothing about her name. There is nothing, and you need to just get away from me!” Joe was beginning to see red and was ready to leave quickly.

“Rebecca won’t leave your memories if you talk about her son.”

“I’m not doin’ this! I’m not talking to you about this! You don’t understand! You won’t understand!” Joe tried to move past his father, but Ben grabbed hold of him. Joe was facing away, and his father’s arms were around him. This immediately enraged Joe. He tried to pull away, but Ben held firm.

“Let… me… go!” Joe growled.

“No. Talk to me.” Ben struggled with Joe.

“I can’t talk to you! I can’t!”

“Yes you can, Joseph. Talk to me!”

Joe was losing control. He began flailing and trying desperately to get away from his father. “I CAN”T!”

“I’ll help you Joe. I’ve always been there son.”

With those words, Joe went over the top of his rage and the defenses that held back the wall of pain fell. “BULLSHIT! YOU HAVEN’T ALWAYS BEEN THERE! YOU HAVEN’T! YOU LEFT ME! WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME! I HATE YOU!”

Ben had no idea what Joe was talking about, but he felt his son’s fury. “Son, what are you talking about?”

Joe’s rage drove him on. “YOU LEFT ME! I NEEDED YOU PA! I NEEDED YOU! SHE LEFT, AND YOU LEFT TOO!”

With those words Joe jerked hard against his father and was able to break away. He had not expected to break free, and it threw him off balance. He pitched forward and almost fell. Ben was able to re-grasp Joe and spun him around so they were face to face. He held Joe by the arms and looked him in the eye. “Son, what are you talking about!”

Joe held an enraged look on his father. He wanted to fight and scream. “LET ME GO! YOU’RE NOT GONNA DO THIS TO ME!”

“Joe when did I leave you? When? Tell me!”

“SHE LEFT, AND YOU LEFT! I DIDN’T HAVE EITHER OF YOU, AND I NEEDED YOU! I NEEDED YOU, PA!”

“Joseph, tell me what you are talking about!”

Joe’s rage made him shake, and all of a sudden, his eyes welled with tears, and he said through gasps, “Mama.”

It took a minute to register, before Ben understood. Joe was talking about his mother’s death. “Oh son!” Ben grabbed Joe tight. At first Joe was tense, and then Ben felt the shudders. The drought was over, as Joe began to weep.

The tears poured from Joe, as he wept for his mother, his father and his Rebecca. He felt the losses, each of them. He could hardly breathe as he buried his head in his father’s shoulder. He had so many tears to shed. As Ben tried to move them to a more comfortable position, Joe called out, “Pa don’t let me go! Don’t go!”

“I’m here, son. I’m here.” Ben slowly sat himself in the grass, as Joe clung to him. Ben began to rock his son, as he had done those weeks before.

Joe held tight as he cried. “Papa, I need you!” Joe cried in desperation. “Papa, don’t go this time. Please don’t go!”

Ben felt guilt as he heard his son beg. He knew why his son was begging. When Marie had died, Ben had experienced a grief so devastating, that he was unable to function. He had abandoned his boys for the desperation of grief. He realized he had abandoned a five year old boy to the grief and pain of the loss of his mother. He realized his boy had never made it past that grief.

“Joe, I’m not going anywhere, boy. I’m here, and you’re gonna be okay.”

“Papa, please don’t leave me. Please Papa.” Joe sobbed as he begged his father, but it was not the need of a seventeen year old, it was much younger. Joe was five in his grief.

“I’m right here son, right here.”

“Oh, Papa.” Joe said, and was reduced to sobs. The tears that came from Joe had been trapped for so long, and they flowed in a never ending stream. Joe clung to his father. “Papa, don’t let me go. Please, just hold on to me.”

Ben had no idea his son had been so affected. This was new to him, and Joe had hidden his hurt well. He realized he had foolishly listened to women who said they knew what Joe had needed as a small child having lost his mother. They had tried to mother Joe through it. Ben saw they were wrong. Joe had needed his father, and Ben admitted to himself he had not been there. His children, all three, had negotiated Marie’s death in their own way. He could only imagine the damage to his two oldest boys. It filled his heart with grief and pain. And then he felt the pain of his youngest, the child from that beloved union, grasping tight to him and begging to not be left. Ben had almost convinced himself that Joe did not remember his mother, as it had been with Hoss and Adam, but it was obvious Joe did remember, and Joe remembered his father’s reaction to his mother’s death.

The tears continued to fall until Joe was exhausted. He did not want to lessen his grip on his father, because he believed he had to have him there for survival. Ben felt Joe’s fatigue. But any movement Ben made resulted in resounding protests from his son. “Papa, no. You can’t leave me. You can’t go away NO! PAPA!” Joe was immediately hysterical again. He clung to his father.

“No Joseph! No son! I’m here. Hush now. I’m here.”

“Papa you left! I need you now! Don’t go Papa! I need you!”

Ben held tight and held his son. He looked heavenward and talked to Marie in his head. “Marie, I’m so sorry I’ve done this to him. You were so good at taking care of Joe, and I let him down so terribly. How do I fix this Marie? How do I help him?”

Father and son stayed together, locked in a heart-breaking tableau in the grass as the sun began to set. Joe’s weeping slowly tapered off, and he quieted. He felt the energy drain from him as he cried. There was so much anger that was present while he yelled at his father, and he felt it lessen as his mood changed to despair. The things he had said to his father shocked him. As the words came from him, it felt as if someone else was saying them. It was as if he was a bystander, and someone was telling secrets about him he did not even know he had.

As Ben sat holding Joe, he thought of his son’s revelation and, he realized Rebecca’s death had caused a deep pain to reemerge in his son. Joe had lost Rebecca suddenly, just as they had lost Marie. Joe had lost two women he had loved with all of his heart. One at age five, and the other twelve years later. He had been unable to say good bye to either, before they were taken from him. It left Joe with an emptiness that had not been appropriately cared for.

Ben allowed himself to think of how much Joe had loved his mother. The little boy would light up every time he saw her. Marie had been very attentive and would spend hours with the boys reading to them, talking to them, and was even known to play hide and seek or soldiers with the boys. Joseph’s naturally active nature resulted in an exhausted, though thoroughly thrilled, Marie. Ben received daily reports on how his youngest spent his waking hours and would often stand back and watch mother and son play together and listening to his little boy giggle. Those were some of Ben’s favorite memories, watching his boys with Marie.

Although Ben was required to work long arduous hours establishing his paradise, he always had time for his family. He made certain there were family meals every night, and that the five Cartwrights spent as much time as a family as possible. The family would take rides together over their land, marveling that it belonged to them, and it was theirs to tend. During these rides, a small Joseph would insist on riding with his father and would chatter incessantly. When he was just learning to talk, Little Joe would ride along with his father attempting to name the things he saw as they traveled. The family had found it quite humorous that one of the first words Joe had learned was the word, “cow”. He then went about labeling anything he saw as a cow. Ben commented to Marie at the time that if Joe was right, they could call themselves cattle barons. Little did Ben Cartwright know he would indeed one day have that title.

Finally Ben decided to speak. “Joseph, son, you okay?”

Joe pulled himself up from his father and looked at him. Joe’s eyes were swollen, he looked very tired, and he felt afraid. “I don’t know, Pa. I don’t know where it came from. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it at all, Pa.”

“Son, you have nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay. We’ll make it through it together. I promise. This time Joe, I’ll be here. I promise you that.”

Joe started to cry again, and Ben hugged him. “I love you so much Joseph, and I am the one who is so sorry. I’m so very sorry.”

Ben rubbed his son’s back and felt Joe quiet again. He pulled Joe back, so he was looking in his son’s eyes. “Hey, you look exhausted, and Kenny is gonna wonder what happened to us. Let’s go get something to eat and let you get some sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so worn out.”

Joe did not want to move from the place where he sat. He had a strong fear that letting go of his father would some how leave him all alone. He hesitated when his father motioned for them to stand, and Ben could feel his reluctance. Joe immediately felt foolish. He did not understand why he felt so young and scared. It was as if it was difficult for him to remain seventeen and this made him feel vulnerable. He was confused and lost.

Joe allowed his father to help him to his feet, and the two walked to the cabin. As they entered, Kenny saw from the expression on Ben’s face and the state Joe was in, that something had happened between the two. Joe walked over to his bed and sat down. He put his head in his hands and tried to keep from crying. He thought it was almost funny. For several months he could not cry if his life depended on it, and now he was fighting to hold back the tears.

Kenny had made a stew and the three ate in quietness. Ben continued to glance over at Joe who sat on his bed and pushed the food around his plate. Ben felt such grief over Joe’s suffering. He had been able to fight off land grabs and robbers. He had vowed vengeance on anyone who would hurt one of his boys. He had shot Shelby without a second thought when Joe’s life was threatened, but he realized he had harmed his child. He had done what he would have killed another for doing. He had harmed one of his children in a deep and profound way.

Joe fought his fatigue until he had to give in. It was still rather early and he was anxious that his father would not be next to him as he slept. He had found great comfort in his father’s presence during the night, but for some strange reason he worried his father would no longer be there. He looked at his father who was looking at him.

Ben seemed to read Joe’s expression and moved over to his son. “Hey, you look worried. What’s on your mind?”

“Uh, nuthin’.” Joe tried to deny his feelings.

“Well, looks to me like there is something troubling you. Please tell me Joseph.”

“It’s just…” Joe looked for the words as he felt so young. “It’s just… uh, Pa… are you gonna, uh… um, you gonna sleep here?”

“Right here, son. You go on to sleep. I’m here. If you need me you wake me, okay?” Ben comforted his son as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“’Kay, Pa.” Joe said quietly as he laid down and closed his eyes. He was fast asleep within minutes. Ben sat at the edge of the bed and watched his child fall off to sleep. He smiled as he watched how quickly sleep overtook Joe. He moved Joe’s hair off his forehead and said quietly, “Sleep well my son. I love you.”

Kenny saw Ben’s devotion to his son. She was deeply touched by the scene she saw. She saw a child deeply hurting, and a father trying to take away the pain. She knew the Cartwrights were special. She watched as Joe’s father sat next to him on the bed and watched his child sleep. She also saw a tear fall from the father’s eyes. She thought to herself that she wished she could take away the hurt that these good people were suffering. She decided she would try. She would try and help Joe’s father. “Mr. Cartwright, you okay?”

Ben looked away from his sleeping child to the woman who had helped them so much. He stood and moved over to where she was and kept his voice low. He wanted Joe to sleep. “Mmm yeah. I’m okay. It’s not me, it’s him. I’m so worried about Joseph… but, uh this is not something to burden you with.” Ben said, cutting the conversation short.

“Mr. Cartwright, you’re not burdening me. Please can I help?”

Ben needed someone to talk to. Usually it was Adam who he confided in, but Adam was not there. He needed to talk. “Well Kenny, I don’t know. I’m not used to confiding family problem in strangers, but considering what all we have been through, maybe you’re not such a stranger. It’s Joseph… I’m so worried. He’s so full of grief and I’m afraid I’m responsible for some of it.”

Kenny encouraged Ben to keep talking. “How so?”

“You see my wife, Joe’s mother, died in an accident when Joseph was five years old. Marie, that was her name, was my third wife, and the third wife I had lost to death. When I, well when we lost Marie, I was so overwhelmed with the grief, that I realize now I did not help my sons with theirs. My boys had to do it themselves, and I’m afraid they have been harmed because of it. I thought, or maybe I hoped, Joseph was too young to remember, but today he told me I had left him when his mother died. I had no idea he felt the way he did.

“You see, my Joseph has always been very, uh… how do I say it right? He’s always been an emotional child, but he has been very hesitant to share what is going on with him. He tends to get angry, and that is when I know something’s bothering him. Also the nightmares. He has those, and I know to watch him, and I can sometimes figure out what’s wrong. But what he told me today has apparently been there for twelve years, and I had no idea he had been so hurt by my reaction to his mother’s death. I’ve got to find a way to help him, and frankly I have no idea how to do it. He was devastated when Rebecca died, and I didn’t even think her death could remind him of his mother. I was so blind.” Ben hung his head, feeling the guilt.

“Mr. Cartwright, I think you may be bein' too hard on yourself. Like you said, Joe doesn’t talk about this stuff, and you had no way of knowin’ unless he told you.” Kenny was trying to comfort a man she saw in pain.

“But he’s my son. My boy. I owed it to him, and I owed it to his mother to help him. Kenny, his mother was wonderful with him. She could get Joseph to do anything and could cut off a tantrum just like that. I haven’t done so well. Joseph and I are very different, and I’m a lot older raising him, than I was raising my oldest. I have to remind myself that he is so young sometimes. I just think of my son suffering as a child, and I was not there. I can’t let that go.”

“Mr. Cartwright, I’ve gotten to know you and to know your son, and I think you did a very good job of raising him. This is a situation so out of the ordinary it doesn’t mean you were a bad father.”

“I arrived in this God forsaken city to find my son drinking, gambling and using that vile drug, and I know the reason he ran was because of this pain in him. I contributed to that pain. I made some of it for him. He had to escape into a bottle to handle his problem, because he thought I would not help him, or that I would leave him. I’ve been there for him ever since I returned from my own pain of my loss of his mother, but obviously the time I was not available to him is what he holds on to. His brothers were there for him I know that. His oldest brother is quite a bit older than he is and was attentive to Joe during that time, but I think it wasn’t enough. The brother closest to him in age is very close to him, but Hoss was only twelve himself at the time. I had believed it had been enough. But now, as a matter of fact, I know it wasn’t enough from what Joe said today.”

“I think all you can do is keep talking to him, Mr. Cartwright. I think if you talk to him the way you are to me it will help him. I think Joe needs you very much and you can make him realize that.”

“Well Kenny, it’s late, and I thank you for listening, but I think we should turn in.” With that Ben moved over to sleep next to his son. Joe had been quiet and Ben prayed his son would rest peacefully. His prayer would not be answered as he had hoped.

Through the night, Joe’s dreams moved across different events, all of which did not cause him distress until the nightmare hit. He became lost in the terror of yet another dream.

Joe was in a field and his father was next to him. As his father approached him he moved away. He did not want his father to come near him. He felt it was important not to let him touch him. His father was reaching for him, and it made him afraid. He looked over to his right, and he saw his mother and Rebecca standing together. As he saw the two women, he watched his father move between him and them. This frustrated Joe, and he tried to move so he could see them again. Every move Joe made, his father countered, and he was angered. He heard Rebecca call him, and she sounded in distress. He told his father to move, but he simply stood his ground. His mother cried out for him, and his anger rose. He had to get rid of his father. He had to move him. Joe ran towards his father and shoved him. His father fell backwards. Suddenly there appeared a cliff behind his father, and Ben fell down the cliff, landing at the bottom, dead. Joe screamed, “NO! No Pa I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!”

Ben woke to his son’s screams. He was about to wake Joe, when Joe sat up and screamed. “No! No! Pa, don’t die!”

Ben could see his son was still asleep. He reached out and shook Joe awake. Joe opened his eyes and felt great relief to see his father before him. He grabbed his father and hugged him. “You’re not dead!” he said to comfort himself.

“No son, I’m here, just another dream. Tell me about it.”

As Joe told of his dream he stopped when he reached the part of the anger he felt towards his father. The anger led to him feeling guilt, and it made him want to stop talking.

Ben could tell Joe was holding back from him and wanted to make it okay for Joe to talk. He had to help his son get it all out regardless of how painful it would be for himself. He said to Joe, “Son, tell me. There’s nothing you can say that will make me leave.”

“No it’s nothing, Pa. I’m okay now. Just tired. I’ll just go back to sleep, ‘kay?” With that Joe held firmly to his father’s arm, but laid down and closed his eyes. He could not tell his father how he had felt. He believed it would risk too much. He closed his eyes and waited for sleep. Eventually he succumbed.

Ben felt his child’s grip on him and his heart broke. It was now so obvious the fear inside of Joe, and he felt terrible he had never seen it so clearly before. Ben had knew his son had many fears, concerns, and worries he did not share, but he felt he should have known this one. Ben stayed up the remainder of the night, and if his son stirred in the slightest, he was there to comfort and protect. He made sure his son felt safe.

**************************

Morning came with its usual regularity, and Kenny and Ben shared their customary breakfast. They had grown used to spending the time together, and the majority of the conversation remained focused on the one they both loved, Joe. Ben knew he had to get Joe to talk to him. He dreaded what his son had to say, but he knew it had to be said. He had to get Joe to open up.

Joe woke in the late morning. He felt very dark, and the thought of getting out of bed seemed overwhelming. He wanted to sleep. He felt as he had before he had found the alcohol to help him. Sleep seemed the only way to escape. He tried to return after waking and was not successful. He cursed his luck and laid in bed. It seemed it took too much energy to get out of bed. He saw his father enter the room and felt trapped. He knew he could not run, and he believed he could not speak.

Ben entered the room and saw Joe awake. “Hey son. Glad to see you awake. You hungry?”

Joe took a minute to allow himself to talk. Then he said, “No Pa, I’m not. I just wanna lie here a while.”

Ben looked at Joe and saw the depression in his son. He knew he would have to reach out. “Okay, Joe. That’s fine. You’ve been eating more lately, so I won’t complain. Can we talk about last night?”

“What about last night?” Joe asked, hoping his father was not referring to the dream he had.

“Son, you didn’t tell me all of the dream did you?”

“Pa, all of this has nothing to do with anything. Really, it doesn’t. I was just really kinda of tired yesterday and said things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean any of it.” Joe said trying to undo what he had said to his father.

“Joe it’s okay. I’m not mad. Not with any of it. I want you to tell me what you remember about your mother’s death.”

His father’s request sent terror into him There was no way he felt he could tell his father what he remembered. He could not tell, and he told himself he would not tell. He wanted to be left alone. “Pa, I was out of it yesterday, and I said things I didn’t mean. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I think I should just sleep.”

“No Joe, you’re not doing this. No more running son.”

“I’m not Pa, just tired.”

“No son, you don’t want to talk to me, and I know you need to. Tell me!”

Joe looked at his father and felt more trapped. “Pa, I can’t!”

“Yes you can. You have to get it out son. Tell me.”

“No Pa. This does nothing! You’re gonna… you’re gonna… you’re gonna…”

Joe started to panic.

“I’m gonna what Joe? Leave you? Be angry with you? No son. I won’t do either. Tell me.”

“No Pa, it’s not real. I don’t really remember. I’m wrong, and I remember it all wrong!” Joe said, trying to get out of the corner he felt he was in.

“Tell me what you remember, and I can help determine if it is real.”

Ben’s pressure was wearing down his son. Joe was agitated and was becoming more so as his father pushed. “Pa, I can’t!”

“Yes you can, Joseph. Tell me.”

“But… but… Papa, I can’t”

“You can Joe, tell me.”

Joe began to cry as he recalled for his father a memory from the death of his mother…

A five year old Joe heard the whispers and talk of the adults. He did not understand any of it. There was a woman crying and hugging him, but he did not like it. He looked for his Mama, and she was not there. He then decided to look for his Papa, and again, he was not there. He felt mad. He knew his Mama was there, and he had to find her. The woman grabbed him again and was crying, and it scared him. She was hurting him with her grasp. He thought to himself he would tell Mama, and she would make the woman stop. He saw Hoss across the room, broke away from the woman, and ran to his beloved brother. He said, “Hoss, Hoss, where’s Mama? I don’t like this. That lady squeezed me and made me hurt. Go get Mama, Hoss, and she’ll make the lady say she’s sorry. Mama always makes me say I’m sorry when I’m bad.”

A small Joe saw his brother start to cry. “Oh Hoss, I’m okay. She just pinched me. Don’t cry, Hoss. Go get Mama, and she’ll give us a cookie. That’ll fix it, Hoss. We’ll eat cookies, and Mama will send that lady away.”

Hoss hugged his little brother, knowing Little Joe did not understand what he, Adam, and the lady had told Joe earlier. They had told him his mother was dead. Joe had looked at them with innocent eyes and said, “’kay” but it was obvious he had no idea what they had meant, because he was expecting his mother to save him. Hoss felt so sad. He loved Marie as his own mother, and he loved his little brother. He knew Little Joe was going to have a bad time, and he was afraid he was also. Hoss too wondered where their father was.

Joe continued to ask where his Mama was, so Hoss took him to Adam. Little Joe told Adam what had happened, and Adam asked to look at Joe’s offended arm. Although there was nothing to show where the child had been supposedly injured, Adam made a big deal of it and made sure Joe received the appropriate sympathy. This seemed to somewhat calm the child, and Joe stopped asking for his mother for a while.

At Joe’s bedtime that evening, the lady insisted on putting him to bed. Adam had told her several times that he would put Joe to bed, but she would have nothing of it. She took Joe to his room and helped the little boy get ready for bed. Joe tended to draw out his bedtime ritual as a way of staying up later. He would wander the room saying good night to everything he saw and insisting there was more he needed to do before bed. How Marie handled this was to tell her son he could say goodnight to three things in his room, say his prayers, hop into bed, and if all went smooth, he could pick out a book for her to read from. Joe so loved to be read to that this was usually all it took to get him to cooperate. Once in bed and listening to a story, usually Little Joe was fast asleep in minutes.

The lady took him to his room, and the battle began. Joe insisted that he did not want to wear the nightshirt she picked out, and then was irate that she made him get right into bed without him saying good night to his toys. He finally got into bed, and the lady tucked him in. He waited for his story, but the lady simply kissed him on the forehead and said good night. With that, she turned and left the room. Little Joe lay in bed, but he was angry. He knew he had to find Mama and get his story from her. Hoss and Adam both in turn came in and said good night to him. He saw both looked very sad, and when they had hugged him, they both had started to cry. Joe was getting worried as to what it all meant.

Little Joe knew he was not supposed to get out of bed once he was put there and had experienced more than one spanking because of his failure to obey. He hesitated to get out of bed, but his need to find his mother took over, and he was out of bed and down the hall shortly. He looked down the stairs and there was no one around. He quietly climbed down the stairs holding the hand rail and taking the steps one at a time. He looked around the room briefly, and then walked to the room he had seen people coming out of earlier that day.

Joe turned the handle and quietly opened the door. There was a lamp burning softly, and he saw someone on the bed. He ran to the side of the bed smiling. “There you are Mama! I’ve been looking for you!”

He saw her eyes were closed and thought she was sleeping. He felt he had to wake her, because she had to read to him. He had missed her all day and wanted the attention. He took her hand and felt it was cold. It confused him. “Mama? Wake up, Mama. Mama, you wake up now and read to me.” The little boy tried to wake his mother and became more and more desperate as his efforts failed. He started to cry. “Mama. please wake up. Please! You gotta wake up! Mama! I want you to wake up!”

Hop Sing had heard Little Joe’s voice from his own room and had ventured out to find where the little boy was and what he was doing. He saw the door where Mrs. Cartwright’s body lay was open, and he immediately knew the boy was in there. He rushed in to see a heart breaking sight. Joe was beginning to crawl up into bed to lay with his mother. The little boy had tears streaming down his face and was begging his mother to wake up. Hop Sing ran to the boy, picked him up and rushed him out of the room. Joe looked over Hop Sing’s shoulder and reach back for his mother. He called out, “Mama, Mama please get up! Please!”

Hop Sing took Joe into the kitchen, all the while holding him tight. He hugged Joe as the boy cried and talked softly to him in Cantonese. Joe held tight to his friend, and man and boy wept for the death of a woman they both loved. That night, Hop Sing gave Joe a cookie as his mother did so many times to comfort little boy tears, and then placed Joe in bed with himself and hugged the child until he slept.

Ben listened without speaking as Joe told his memory in a soft voice, which at times faded due to his crying. Joe did not look at his father as he spoke, rather he stared of into space, and it appeared to his father as if he was reliving the memory as he recounted it. Ben was openly crying and wanted to take it all away from his son, but he knew he had to let Joe speak without interruption.

When Joe finally stopped talking, Joe stood and walked over to the window and looked out. He wanted to get the picture of his mother lying in the bed out of his mind. Ben joined him and placed his hand on Joe’s shoulder. Joe tried to wipe away the tears he had rolling down his face, but new ones simply replaced them. He felt as if the tears would never stop, nor the pain ever leave.

Ben eventually spoke to his son. “Joseph, I had no idea you had seen your mother like that. I’m so sorry you did, and I’m so sorry it was not me who had helped you with it. You’re right, I wasn’t there, and I don’t blame you for being angry.”

Joe listened to his father and was conflicted about how he felt. A part of Joe was furious at his father for having abandoned him, and another part wanted to grab hold of his father and never let go. He said very quietly, “Pa, you mind if I have some time alone? I need to think for a while. I wanna go outside and be by myself.”

Ben looked at his son, the hesitation obvious. Joe saw it and added, “I promise I’m not gonna take off, and I won’t do anything to myself. I just need to be alone. Please?”

“Okay, Joe. If you need me though, you come get me right away, and you don’t go far. Will you be where I can see you?”

Joe was in no mood to argue. He knew his father was worried, so he agreed. He made his way out to the field and moved to where he could see the stream and the woods behind. He sat for many hours staring into the woods and crying. He talked to his mother in his head, as he rethought what he had shared with his father. “Mama, what should I do? I’m so confused. I feel so many things inside and have no idea what to do with all of it. I wish you were able to tell me. I wish Rebecca was here. She helped me so much when we were at your grave. I told her all of this Mama. I told her, and I felt better. I don’t really feel that way now. I feel too many bad things now. Pa is gonna want me to talk more to him, and I don’t know if I should. I feel so bad that I don’t trust him, and I’m mad at him. I’m so mad at him. He misses you too, and I think I’m making that worse. What should I do? I wish I knew.”

Ben watched his son. Joe’s back was to him, but it was evident at times Joe was crying. His shoulders would move, and he would ever so often wipe his eyes. Ben too talked to Marie. “Marie, darling, do I just let him cry? Do I go to him? What do I do? I so wish we never lost you. He needs a mother. He needed you to help him so many times. I need you right now. I miss you so much, my love. So very, very much.”

**************************

Dinner came, and the three sat down to eat. Kenny made sure they had a hot meal and tended to do whatever needed to be done to care for Joe and Ben. She found herself enjoying being domestic and began to think of the three as a little family. She knew it was only a fantasy, but she decided to enjoy it while she could. When Joe had returned to the cabin he was quiet and tired. He had not been able to decide what, if anything, he would share with his father regarding how he felt, or the memories he held.

The three sat quietly as they ate. Kenny and Ben made small talk, and Joe kept in his head. He was feeling the loss so profoundly at that time that it only took Ben asking Joe how he was doing for him to begin crying at the table and quickly got up and walked outside.

Ben went to stand, and Kenny interrupted. “Mr. Cartwright, would you mind if I talked to him?”

Ben sat back down and said, “No Kenny, go right ahead. Just let me know if you need me.”

“I will.” She said as she moved outside.

Joe was standing, leaning against the corner of the cabin, his back to her, when Kenny approached. She spoke quietly to him as she touched his arm, “Hey there. Just checking to see if you’re okay.”

Joe quickly wiped away the tears and tried to compose himself. Kenny stopped him. “You don’t have to do that. Look, we’re friends here, and I understand. I really do. I just thought you could use a shoulder to cry on, or maybe just someone to listen. I can tell it is kinda strained with your Pa and you, so I thought I could help.”

“I’m not sure what to do, Kenny. I’m so confused. It’s so hard for me to talk about all this. I feel like it’s worse to talk about than to say nothing. It just makes more people hurt, and to be honest makes me just wanna run away.”

“You’re afraid of hurting your Pa?”

“Yeah. I’m realizing something I never thought I felt, and I have no idea what it is gonna do to him. I don’t want to talk to him about this, cause I know he hurt real bad when my mother died. It’s like I can’t tell him about any of it, ‘cause if I do, then I have to tell him all of it. You see my Pa’s pretty persistent, and either I tell him nothing, or I tell him everything. That’s how it’s always been with him and me. I don’t know if I can tell him everything.”

“What do think would happen if you did?”

“That’s the problem. I don’t know. What if I start talkin’ to him, and stuff comes out, and I can’t stop it, and I mess it all up.”

“Mess up what?”

“Uh,… I don’t know really. Just make things worse I guess. Worse for Pa, maybe?”

“How could you make it worse by talking to him? Joe, he has been beggin’ you to talk to him.”

“Uh,… I don’t know… I can’t think… What if… oh, I don’t know, Kenny. I don’t even know why I started cryin’ in there. Pa just asked me a question, and I go gettin’ all upset. What if I’m losing it again?”

“Are you afraid of that?”

“I think it’s what I’m most afraid of. I said stuff to my Pa I never even knew I had in me. What if there’s more? What if I can’t handle what’s in me?”

“Well I don’t know, but I think it’s your only chance, Joe. You remember the talk we had by the river?”

“Uh, yeah” Joe responded, and thought “sorta.”

“Joe, you know I’m right about what you need to do. What you really have to do. You’ve gotta keep going, and you’ve gotta face it. I can see how bad you’re hurtin’, but you sure are sellin’ everyone short, including yourself.”

Joe began to fidget as Kenny talked. “What do ya mean?”

“I think Rebecca would be disappointed in you.”

Kenny’s words slapped Joe hard. Joe tried to speak and could not. Kenny saw his face change, and the tears form as Joe turned away from her. Kenny spoke, “Joe, let me tell you why I said that. I know she loved you very much. I know you loved her. She wanted to make you happy, Joe. She didn’t want you to run away. She didn’t want you drinking and using the morphine, and she did not want you to be without your family. Love isn’t that way, Joe. What did you want for her, Joe. Did you want her to have a good life?”

Joe kept his back to Kenny, but said, “I want her to have the best life. I want her to always be happy.”

“Joe, I asked you something at the river you never answered. Now you need to answer it. If it were reversed, and you were dead, would you want her life to just fall apart like yours has?”

“But Kenny, it’s different.” Joe wanted to resist what Kenny had to say to him.

“How?”

“It just is.”

“That’s too easy an answer. Tell me how it’s different.” Kenny quickly fired back.

“I don’t know, it just is.” Joe was starting to get angry.

“No, it’s not.”

“Kenny it is, and I really am not in the mood to argue.”

“Is it because you think you’re responsible for the accident?” Kenny continued to push on Joe.

“I can tell Pa has thoroughly filled you in.” Joe said, trying to change the focus of the conversation.

“He just told me about you and Rebecca, and what you’ve been through.”

“Well, he had no right to tell you.”

“That’s not what we’re talking about. Joe you know it’s no different.”

“Kenny it is! I killed her! She’s dead, ‘cause I was not driving those horses!” Joe screamed at her.

“Oh, so you’re that certain you could’ve done things different, huh? You’re that positive that you could a made it turn out different? You really think you are so powerful that you can make things not happen that maybe are supposed to? Have you thought of that one, Joe? Have you thought that maybe you wanna go back and play God?”

Joe spun around to look at her and was instantly angry, “Shut up, Kenny!”

Ben heard Joe yell and was immediately out the door. “What’s going on?” Ben’s voice boomed, more out of fear of what could be going on with his son, than anger.

Joe looked briefly at his father and then back at Kenny, “It’s nothin’!” he said, and made his way into the cabin.

“Kenny, what’s goin’ on?” Ben continued to ask.

“It seems Joe doesn’t like the truth. He’s mad, cause I said some things he really needs to hear, but didn’t care for too much.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to get him so worked up.” Ben said, the worried parent coming threw in his voice.

“Mr. Cartwright, I know it isn’t my place, but Joe needs to hear some things that it seems everyone is afraid to tell him. I think maybe you all, because you love him so much, have not been willin’ to tell him some of the stuff he has to hear. See, I come from a different background than you folks do. Things were said, no matter how painful, Now I think the best thing is somewhere in the middle, maybe. Joe has to realize that he is not doing what Rebecca would want for him, or what you would want. I just tried to tell him that.”

Ben looked at the young woman and was going to respond, but he thought of Joe alone in the cabin and returned inside. Joe stood in front of the fire violently poking at the logs. He was thinking of what Kenny had said. He asked himself, “Is she really disappointed in me?”

Ben approached Joe and put his hand on Joe’s shoulder. Joe moved away. He said, “Not now, Pa.”

Ben felt powerless. He watched Joe move over and look out a window into the darkness of the evening. Kenny returned to the cabin as well and sat watching Joe. She was not sure if she should apologize for what she had said. She believed she had spoke the truth, but wondered if maybe it was not her place to say the things she had to Joe. She decided to go to him and walked over to where Joe stood. “Joe, um… I’m sorry I said what I did. I know it hurt you.”

Joe kept asking himself if he was a disappointment to Rebecca. He had not thought of that, and it made him upset to think he could have hurt Rebecca with how he had behaved since her death. He heard Kenny’s apology and turned to her.

Kenny braced herself for Joe’s wrath, but instead she heard a very soft voice ask a question. “Kenny, is she really disappointed in me? Is she?” Joe began to cry, and Kenny immediately grabbed him and hugged him close.

Kenny and Joe remained in a hug as Kenny spoke, “Oh, Joe, if she is, it’s only because she loves you so and wants only good things for you. Any woman who loved you would want you to be just as happy as you would want her to be.”

“But, I… but she…she was the reason… I don’t know if I can be really happy without her. It’s the most I’ve ever felt.”

“Joe, bein’ in love is the most happy you’ll ever feel, but you’ll be in love again. Not for a long while, ‘cause it takes time, but you will, and you’ll feel it all again.” Kenny said these words to comfort herself as well. As she spoke to Joe she knew she could feel some of his pain because of her love for him. She used it to comfort him.

Ben watched and listened to what Kenny was telling his son. Joe appeared to be listening to her, and it seemed to be helping. He had wondered several times what had transpired between the saloon girl and Joseph. It was evident that Joe was not romantically attracted to the woman, but after what he had come upon in Sacramento, he had questions. He doubted he would ever know the extent of the relationship between the two. He wondered if he really wanted to know.

Joe released the hug with Kenny and felt awkward. He had never felt so vulnerable and exposed, and it seemed like his exposure kept increasing. It was a new and very uncomfortable feeling for him. Joe liked to think he protected himself from anyone getting too close. He knew it came across at times as if he were cocky or arrogant, but he preferred that to being hurt. He knew though too, it was pretty easy for him to get caught up in something or someone if he really cared, and then he lost all ability to protect himself. He had discovered this about himself in some of the friendships he had made, and it was a characteristic he desperately wished he had more control over.

**************************

The evening ended quietly, and night fell upon the cabin. Joe laid in bed continuing to think of what Kenny had said to him. He wished he could talk with Rebecca to know what he should do. Did Rebecca want him to join her as he had thought, or did she want him to stay alive and keep going? He had believed he had known the answer weeks ago; he should die and join her, but he had been unable to end his life. Again with Shelby, he had thought that death was the answer. However, what Kenny had said to him also made sense. For the first time since the accident, Joe questioned that he may have been wrong. Maybe Rebecca did not want him dead and with her. He would have to think more about it, he told himself as his eyes grew heavy and he slept.

Joe was restless as usual in his sleep, and the question he had asked in his awake hours rumbled through his mind. The images were distorted and much did not make sense, but he was with Rebecca, and his mind waited for the solution to the question he had posed to himself. Although it would not be answered in dreams, the question showed itself in various forms throughout the night.

Ben remained sleeping by his son’s side offering comfort; his mere presence resulted in his son sleeping more peacefully. Ben had gotten to where it was almost automatic. As soon as Joe began to stir, Ben would reach out and comfort him. Joe did not fully wake in the night and received more rest than he had been blessed with during the past few days.

On one of the more rare occasions, Joe woke before Kenny or his father. He laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, and eventually he decided to get up. He could see it was still very early. He made his way out of bed and dressed without making noise. He wanted to have some time by himself and was hoping he could get out of the cabin without waking the sleeping inhabitants. He had years of experience sneaking out at home and used it to get out of the cabin without notice. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was free and safely outdoors.

Joe allowed himself to take in the morning air. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He used to love the solitude of nature and the enjoyment of the smells of the woods and realized he had forgotten the smells and sounds of the world around him. He decided to take a walk down to the stream and clean up. He limped to the stream, though the limp was much less than it had been. His leg was getting stronger, he could feel it, and he tried to walk as steady as he could to the water. He knew he was going to have to use his leg more to strengthen it, but he had not found himself very willing to move around. He just had not felt it was worth expending the energy.

Once at the stream, Joe took off his shirt and knelt at the water’s edge. Using his hands, he took the water and poured it over his head. He felt the refreshing water revitalize him. He continued to douse himself with water and with each new waterfall he felt a little more renewed, a little more alive. As he knelt down, he continued to keep Kenny’s words in his head, and he felt better able to tackle the question in the morning light.

He talked to Rebecca in his head. “Rebecca, you know I miss you, huh? You know I would give anything to have you here. I miss you so much. I need to know something Rebecca. Is Kenny right? Are you wanting me to go on? I’ll do anything you want, you know that. Just help me know it’s okay. I’m so afraid, Bec. So afraid I’ll forget you. So afraid I’ll not do what you want me to do. Rebecca, you completed me. You made me whole and without you, I’m just confused. I would give anything if God would let me talk to you for just a minute. How am I supposed to know?”

Joe spent many minutes knelt at the stream asking for his Rebecca to speak to him, knowing she would not. He eventually stood, threw his shirt over his shoulder and made his way to the cabin just in time to see his father bolting out the door pulling on his shirt as he exited. As soon as Ben saw Joe, he yelled at him. “Joseph! I told you not to go anywhere without someone with you!”

Joe saw the look of worry on his father’s face, but it angered him. He knew from the look that his father did not trust him. He wanted to scream at his father that he was the one that should not trust. He was the one that should be angry. He was the one who had been left, but he said, “Good mornin’ to you too, Pa.”

Ben was taken aback by his son’s sarcastic comment. He was at a loss as to what to do with Joseph. His son was hurt and angry. He felt the gap between them growing, and it scared him. He had almost lost Joe several times, and he was not about to let that happen. He thought of the memory Joe had shared with him, and he felt guilty. “How could he bridge the gap?” he asked himself. Ben believed it was his job to do, because he knew Joe could not. Joe’s pain was too great.

“I’m sorry, son. It scared me when you weren’t in the cabin. I over-reacted.”

His father’s willingness to admit his over-reaction brought guilt feelings in Joe. He appeased his guilt by responding, “Uh… I’m sorry, Pa. I was just cleaning up some. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Ben put his arm firmly on his son’s shoulder, relieved Joe was safe and his fears were groundless. “I’m sorry too, son. I yelled, and I didn’t need to. You’re right here.”

“Yeah Pa. I’m right here. Uh, I’ll go inside, I guess.” Joe said, feeling awkward with his father. This was something he had not experienced before, nor did he particularly care for the feeling.

“Joe, wait.” Ben tried to corral his fleeting son.

“Uh… yeah?” Joe asked, dreading what his father could ask of him.

“I was hoping we could spend some time together. I found some fishing supplies in the cabin, and I know how much you like to fish, so I thought maybe we could do that today.”

Joe had to admit that fishing sounded like a good distraction. He had grown so used to sleeping and being medicated through the days that he had stopped doing the things he had enjoyed. Fishing was always high on his list of favorite pastimes. He did not feel the enthusiasm he usually felt at the thought of grabbing a fishing pole, but he decided he would give it a try. “Uh, okay, Pa. Sounds, um good.” When ya wanna go?”

“Well, what’s wrong with right now?” Ben asked, trying to sound upbeat, but worried that any minute he could set Joe off, and his son would turn him down.

Joe looked at his father and saw how much his father wanted everything to be all right between the two of them. He decided to ease up and give his father what he wanted. “Okay Pa. Let me grab a different shirt, and I’ll be right there.”

Ben breathed a sigh of relief. He so wanted the nightmare to be over and his son back with him. The response he had just heard sounded like his son, and it gave him a glimmer of hope. Joe was willing to spend time with him. He wanted that time to be one of relaxation, but hopefully of some strengthening of the connection between father and son. A remembrance of other special times together.

The two made their way to the stream and stayed there not talking. They had both fished together numerous times, and each tried to pretend it was one of those times they were enjoying. Ben wanted to talk to Joe about what he had remembered and experienced regarding his mother’s death. Joe wanted to distract himself and stay away from his father’s questions. The two men were more distant than they had ever been.

Finally Ben could wait no longer. “Joe, you know we have more to talk about, so much more.”

Joe had been waiting for his father’s words, so they had not surprised him. A part of him knew when he agreed to go fishing this would happen, but that did not quell the panic he felt. Again he would have to talk about deep seated memories and deep seated fears. “What about?” Joe tried to ask as nonchalant as possible.

“Son, I want to know more. I want you to tell me all you remember.”

“Why, Pa? Why? So I have to go through it again? I try not to remember it, at least not that part.”

“I want to help you, Joseph. I wasn’t there the first time, but I can be there now. I think we need to be honest with each other. We need to talk.”

Joe was nervous. What his father was asking of him, he was not sure he could do. The memory he had shared with his father had been the most vivid, the most intact. The rest of the memories he had surrounding that terrible event were flashes; pieces of memories that did not fit together. He had heard the stories of his mother from his father and brothers, but the flashes he had in his mind had never been discussed. He had told his family nothing of their content. He asked, “What do you want from me?”

“Do you remember anything more? Have you had other memories you have kept to yourself?”

Joe put the fishing pole down and looked at his father. The look told Ben there was indeed more that Joe remembered. Ben saw a look of fear on Joe’s face and tried to help. “Joe, we’ll get through it. I’ll help you with it. Anything you need, I’ll do. I’ve told you that before. We have to get this cleared between us.”

“Pa, what does this have to do with Rebecca? What does it have to do with me now? Nothing. That is what it has to do with. You’re wanting me to talk about something that means nothing anymore. It’s over and nothing changes it one bit. I lost her… uh, Rebecca. That’s why I left home. That’s why I did everything I did, and that’s why I don’t want to go home. That is it. The end.”

“No, there is so much more, and you know it. I think the reason you reacted the way you did, the reason you keep so much to yourself, was because of what you said earlier. I left you when you needed me all those years ago. You didn’t trust me to help you with Rebecca. You tried to do it all yourself. Joe, I hope you know you can’t do it all yourself. You can’t hold on that tight to your hurt without it hurting you.”

“Pa, I don’t remember much really. It’s not clear. It’s only parts and some don’t make sense.”

“Tell me the parts, Joe.”

Joe thought of what Kenny had said again before deciding to answer. He asked himself, “What would Rebecca want me to do?” He then thought of the time he had been at his mother’s grave with Rebecca. She had liked it that he had talked to her, so he reasoned maybe she would want him to talk to his father. He decided he would try. Joe turned away from his father, because he knew he could not look at him and talk about the memory he had. He took a deep breath and began. “I remember the… uh… the…I remember… oh geez. I see her goin’ into the ground. It’s uh… more feelin’ than anything. I see it in my mind, and uh…I feel like I just am all alone, and I lost everything. That’s all I remember if it.”

“Joe, I never talked to you about your mother’s funeral, and I’m not sure why I didn’t. Maybe it is because I don’t like to think of it either. Sit down Joe, and let me tell you about it.”

Joe was unsure he wanted to know the details. He had always thought he had wanted to know, but now that the time had come, he was unsure. He sat next to his father, pulled up his leg, wrapped his arms around it and braced himself for his father’s story.

The mood in the ranch house had been somber since Marie’s accident and death. Ben had taken to his bed out of grief. Hop Sing had stepped in to help, and between him and Adam, arrangements were made to lay the final Mrs. Cartwright to rest. Ben had told them his wishes were for Marie to be buried in her favorite place by the lake she loved so much. Care of Hoss and Joe also fell to Adam and Hop Sing. Hoss was tearful and comforted himself by tending to the animals he loved so much. Little Joe remained clinging to Hop Sing and would not let the cook out of his sight.

The day of the funeral arrived, and Ben emerged from his room dressed and ready to bury his wife. He noticed the quietness of the house, a very rare event given the fact that three boys lived there. He walked down the hall and saw Adam dressing Joe. They were in the process of struggling to put on Joe’s boot. Joe was making a face and pushing his foot hard against Adam’s leg. Adam said quietly, “Hey buddy, your feet are growin’. Looks like you’re gonna need new boots soon.”

“But Adam, Mama always gets me my boots. Now I won’t get any.” A despondent Joe said to his older brother.

“Hey, I’ll make sure you get some, and we’ll even get ya some candy when we pick out your new ones.” Adam felt sad and a despair had settled into him. He was hurting deeply, but found it was easiest to cope by staying busy.

Ben stepped in to Little Joe’s room, and Joe saw his father. Joe immediately ran to his father. “Papa, Papa, where have you been? I’ve missed you!”

Ben watched Joe run to him. Hearing Joe’s worries over his boots, and then seeing his youngest run to him, made Ben well up with tears, and he felt overwhelmed. He had not seen Joe since Marie’s accident and seeing the little boy then was more than he felt he could handle. Ben stiffly hugged Joe, and said to Adam, “Adam finish dressing him and come on downstairs.”

“But Papa, I want you to do it.” Joe resisted.

“Joseph, do as I say and finish getting dressed. Here Adam, take him.” And with that Ben moved quickly from the room and cried.

His father’s lack of attention confused Little Joe. He was so happy to see his father, and he believed his father was not happy to see him. He did not understand the grief and pain of his father and interpreted it through little boy eyes-his Papa did not want to be with him.

Adam finished dressing a pouting Little Joe, and they moved downstairs. Ben Hoss, and Hop Sing all stood waiting for them. Joe walked over to Hoss, took his brother’s hand, and they all walked out to the waiting carriage. Next to the carriage was a wagon, and in the wagon was the coffin of Marie. The family loaded up for the long journey to the lake, and Marie’s final resting place.

Sometime into the ride, Little Joe leaned over to Hoss, and in a loud whisper that everyone heard, he asked, “Hoss, what’s in that box?”

Before Hoss could answer, Adam stepped in. “Here, come here, Joe. Sit on my lap, okay.”

Joe moved over and sat. He asked again, “Adam, what’s in the box?”

Ben was overhearing Joe’s question and knew he should say something to his son. He started to speak, but Adam had already begun to answer Joe, “See Joe, it’s Mama’s body in there, but she aint really in there. Mama is in Heaven now. It’s just her body little buddy, but she is still with us.”

Joe tried to understand what was going on around him, but it made no sense to him. He had not understood what Adam had said. “Why had they put Mama in a box? Little Joe knew he did not like his Mama in a box and was becoming afraid. He looked at Hoss, and he saw his brother was crying. He then looked to his father, and again he saw his father was crying. Hop Sing was riding with the family, and as Joe looked at his friend he saw that he too was crying. Little Joe knew what was happening was very bad, but he did not know why, and that made him feel very alone.

The family arrived at the chosen spot, and everyone gathered around the graveside. The circuit preacher had made it out to the graveside, there to perform a small service. A few family friends were present as well. Little Joe stood between Hoss and Adam holding each of their hands. Adam had told Joe as he had helped him out of the carriage, that Joe could stay right between Hoss and himself, and he would be okay. Joe then told Adam, “Don’t worry, Adam. I’ll be a big boy. I’ll be good.”

Joe’s words made Adam well with tears. Adam knew Joe was trying very hard to understand everything, but it was something for which the little boy had no firm understanding.

Little Joe tried hard to stand still and be very big. He was doing well for most of the service, but he really wanted to be held by his father. He knew he was getting too old for that, so he did not ask, but he wanted desperately for his father to hold him. He looked at his father and saw the tears streaming down his face. That scared him. Joe had never seen his father cry and his father’s tear raised fear in his son.

Joe remained holding his brothers’ hands until he watched as they started to lower the coffin into the ground. Little Joe suddenly screamed, “No! Don’t do that! Stop it! Mama!” He broke free of Hoss and Adam and ran to one of the men who was lowering the coffin. Joe started beating on the man’s leg saying, “Stop it! Stop it!”

Ben reached out and grabbed Joe, pulling the little boy up into his arms. Joe began crying hysterically and flailing his arms and legs. “No Papa! No! They’re gonna put Mama in a hole! No Papa! Make them stop it, Papa! Mama! Mama!” Joe began pounding on his father’s chest. “Papa! Stop ‘em! NO!”

Ben felt his son’s small fists hitting him, and it broke his heart. He was trying to control the hysterical child, but nothing comforted Joe. Joe’s screaming was escalating and everyone at the graveside stood in horror as they watched a little boy grieve for his mother. Ben had to walk away from the grave with Joe as he tried to get his son under control. Hoss and Adam were right there with their father and felt helpless. Joe was crying in gasps, and he was pounding on his father.

“Shh, Joe. Now, it’s okay. Hush.” Ben tried to calm his son, but Joe was beyond calming. The child had reached a point where there was no comfort that could reach him. Joe tried to get away from his father to go to his mother, but Ben held on tight. Joe vacillated between crying out “Papa” and “Mama”.

Ben motioned for the preacher to continue as he walked with his youngest and tried to calm him. Ben felt he was living a nightmare. There was no consoling Joseph, and as he looked at Hoss and Adam, he felt more helpless. His boys were hurting and he could not help them. His own pain was enormous, and he wanted nothing more than to hide away.

The service concluded and mourners, hesitant to approach Ben, left quietly. Joe was sobbing in his father’s arms, but fatigue had slowed him greatly. He held tight to his father as he sobbed, and he would have nothing of being put down or handed to another. Eventually the little boy, exhausted from the ordeal, was asleep in his father’s arm. His face was soaked with tears as he held tight to his father’s shirt. Ben was then able to undo his son’s grasp and hand him to Adam. Adam held Joe tight, and the family stood alone at Marie Cartwright’s grave. Each saying good bye in their own way.

…Ben had watched his son as he had told of the burial of his mother. Joe had sat very still as his father spoke, his eyes were closed tight, as if he was attempting not to see what was being described. As Ben spoke, Joe remembered more, and he felt a wave come over him like he had never felt before. It was suddenly hard to breathe, and his heart raced. He fought hard to hold down the panic that was rising in him. He started breathing heavily and felt his head swimming. He was back there in his mind. He watched the coffin go into the ground and moaned. The tears came freely, as he thought of his mother being taken from him. He wanted to reach out and stop it. He wanted her back. He felt as if he could not breathe.

Ben was crying himself and felt the pain of the loss of the woman he had loved passionately. The feelings came back fresh and raw. He was mourning Marie once more. He knew he had pain in himself he had denied and pushed away, but it came flooding back in drowning waves. He hated to recall the death of his love, but knew he had to put it aside to help their son. He held his focus on Joseph, unsure as to what he should do.

He would not have to do anything, because his son would come to him. Joe would reach out.

Joe opened his eyes and saw his father’s tears. Tears that for the first time Joe truly understood. He realized the love his parents had shared, and the love his father had lost. It had never made sense until he had lost his own love, his beloved Rebecca. Joe was gasping for breath as he looked at his father. Tear filled eyes met tear filled eyes, and then Joe collapsed into his father’s arms. He was having difficulty breathing as his heart raced, and he felt the panic of his loss, but he knew of no other place he would rather be than in his father’s arms.

Father and son embraced and cried. They felt each other’s pain. Joe’s panic quieted within his father’s protection, as his little boy hurts began to be addressed. Ben’s loss hurt a little less because he held the product of his love from Marie in his arms. Joseph had come from his love of Marie and would always be a reminder to him of that love. He was so thankful Joe was like his mother in so many ways. It kept her alive, and it kept Ben young.

Ben and Joe, father and son, stayed rocking each other as they released the pain and hurt of losing love. Finally, Joe sat up and spoke, “Pa?” Joe asked in a very quiet and young voice.

“Yeah, son?”

“Pa? Did Mama know how much I loved her?”

“Oh, Joe, yes she did. She knew you loved her. You told her all the time. You made her so happy. I know she is so proud of you, son. Just as I am.”

“Pa I miss her so much. I miss them both. I want to think about them, but then it hurts. Pa, I don’t understand it. I don’t know why I had to lose them. I miss them all the time. I miss Mama still. I always have. Pa, it’s not fair. All those kids in school had their Ma’s and I didn’t. I hated it. I wanted her to be there. Mama said it was okay and… and then I go to school, and the teacher said Mama was wrong. I was so mad, and I uh… I…” Joe realized he was talking about something that would make his father possibly feel bad, and he stopped.

Ben saw Joe stop and immediately helped Joe continue on. “Tell me son.”

“Pa, I don’t want to, cause I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to be angry with you, Pa. I don’t want to hurt you.” Joe said, as he started to cry again.

“No son. It’s okay. Nothing you could say or do would make me stop loving you. Tell me what happened in school.”

“Well, you know I went to school after Mama… uh, after Mama… after she died? Mama had said it was okay for me to write with my left hand, and the teacher… uh, Pa, I hated her… she… she… uh… said, Mama was wrong, and I was writing with the wrong hand. When she said that Pa… I called her a witch, and I guess I threw a tantrum, cause I brought a note home to you, and you punished me too. Pa, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t obey her… Pa, she said Mama was wrong. Mama wasn’t wrong, Pa. I do things a lot better with my left hand.”

Ben vaguely remembered the incident, but he was amazed at how vivid it was for his son. “Joe, you do things fine, and your mother loved you so much. She knew you so well, and I’m sure she was right. As a matter of fact, I know she was right. I’m sorry I didn’t understand. Son, I let you down, I see that now, and I’m sorry. I never did it because of you, Joseph. It was because I loved your mother so much, and I missed her. I just missed her.”

The two remained crying and missing the one that had belonged with them. Eventually, both of them dried of tears for the moment and they hugged. Ben said to his youngest, “Joseph, I love you so much, boy. You have no idea what you do for me. Well, I guess I should tell you more often what you have meant to me, rather than just saying what I just did, huh? That’s been our problem, I think. I have assumed you knew a lot more than you actually did, or maybe it was more that I’d hoped you didn’t remember all of the bad and had only good memories. Joe, you’re like your mother in so many ways. I’ve told you that.”

Joe sat listening to his father. He desperately wanted his questions answered. He had gotten answers, or partial answers from his father, and he began to want all of it. He felt he had to have it and believed he deserved it. “Pa, I’ve wanted to know her. You all say I’m so much like her, and then you tell me only parts. How am I supposed to know me? You whisper things to Adam about her, and all that does is make me feel dirty. I know you’ve told me parts, Pa. I know you told me it was okay what she did, and you loved her and all of that stuff, but Pa, I deserve to know. I deserve it! I can handle it! I love her. She was my mother. Whatever you tell me, I will not stop loving my mother. She was a wonderful woman. I know that, Pa. I love her regardless of what she did."

"Son, it no longer matters." Ben tried to defuse the situation.

"Yeah it does, Pa! For some reason my mother is whispered about, and talked about, and I am not supposed to hear? Oh, I’ve heard, and Pa, I know my mother more than you think I do! I’ve had enough things implied to me by others, and the whispers only confirm it. Pa, what all you missed was I don’t care! I love her! I loved her regardless of what she did, or who she was! I know she was from the wrong side! She wasn’t from the right places or had the right blood. I don’t care, Pa! She loved you, and she loved me! I know she had a bad life, right from the beginning ‘cause of her blood, but Pa, I don’t care, and I never did! I loved her, and you kept her away from me by whispering and not telling me all of it. You hid her ‘cause of her past. I didn’t care! Pa, I don’t care what anyone says unless they hurt her memory by judging her, and then Pa, I’d kill ‘em.”

“Joe, it doesn’t matter. You need to know what I have told you before. You’re mother was a survivor, and she would not let herself just be devoured by the New Orleans elite. She did what she had to do, son.”

Joe knew this was as much as his father could tell him. It had been the answer his father had given him several times before, and he knew he would get no more. Joe truly did not care what his mother had done to survive, and he knew his father needed to protect him, and maybe more importantly, protect her. He would leave the “secret” between them, but he knew what it was. He knew his mother had done what she had to do, and it made him sad, but proud. He was from a woman who endured adversity. He had survival in him. As he thought of this, he felt another message had been given to him. He knew his mother was saying to him not to give in and not to give up.

“Okay Pa, I’ll accept that, and I know what you’re really saying, but you have to know one thing. There’s nothing,… nothing, I could find out about Mama that would make me stop loving her. I know she was good. I just wish… I just wish I could know her now. Sometimes Pa, it’s like she could give me the answers if I could just talk to her.”

“Joe, I would like nothing more than for you to have her.” Ben said, the tears returning to his eyes. “I know you have done without. I know all three of you have. I wish it had been different.”

“Pa, it’s not that I love you less.” Joe started trying to ease his father’s pain. He found himself greatly conflicted with the subject. He wanted to know about his mother, but at times it seemed so painful for his father. He struggled to do what was right for both himself and his father.

“Joseph, I know that son. I know. But, I also know what a mother can do. I watched her with you son, and your mother was wonderful. She was so strong and yet gentle. She knew you so well. She could understand you better than me, I think. She could have helped you with Rebecca.”

The mention of Rebecca’s name immediately made Joe uncomfortable again. He hated to think of his loss, and hearing her name brought it back full force. He had made himself say her name aloud, but it hurt and he found himself missing her more. “Pa, I don’t want to talk about… her, uh …Rebecca now. I don’t want to… um… I can only do it …uh… Pa… it’s too much. I can’t.”

Ben realized that although he had made progress with his youngest, there was more to go through. The hurt of the loss of Rebecca was still too much for Joe to talk about with him. He noticed Joe could say some things to Kenny. He wondered if this was not the role a woman would play in Joe’s life. Someone he could truly confide in. Ben’s wish for his son was that he would always have someone to tell his secrets to. He secretly wished he could be the person that had been the confidant of the little boy he had raised.

As a child, Joseph had confided several little boy secrets in his father, making his father swear he would never tell. They were small secrets of treasures found, or of small embarrassments Joe had endured, but Ben held them tight. He thought of them and felt the love he had for the child who sat before him. His son had been slow to share, even as a child, and Ben had felt honored to have been granted the revelation of what Joe felt was a deeply guarded secret. He knew the secrets revealed during their talk this day were much more sacred, much more guarded. He also knew his son had not opened up freely and was uncomfortable with the revelations, but Ben felt he was finally understanding the mystery that was his youngest child. He finally knew a bit of the “why” of Joseph, and it would help him respond to his son in the future. He felt he had been given a great gift.

Joe had pulled away from his father after Rebecca’s name had been mentioned, and the two went about fishing as if they had not talked. Although each knew the other better than they had previously, each profoundly felt the pain of loss. Each stayed in his own thoughts as he tried to remember and forget: remember the good and leave the bad un-remembered and unfelt. Neither was successful, and the mood was somber. They felt the pain more than they had in years.

**************************

The Ponderosa endured as it always had, but there was a mood that had overtook the ranch when Joe rode away on the bay mare. Adam and Hoss had spent many hours trying to reassure themselves that everything was fine. The longer they went without hearing again from their father, the more they worried that perhaps there were troubles that their father had not shared. Each knew that there was trouble when their father had left, and it was not like him to keep them in the dark. But, neither believed they should go to their father. They knew their father would ask them to come if he truly needed them, and for them to go in pursuit without asking, could harm whatever it was their father was working on. They also knew deep down there had to be something wrong with Joe. They both prayed he was safe and would come home soon. Neither slept well and both were afraid of the loss they could experience if their father was not successful in retrieving their wayward brother.

Adam and Hoss’s pursuit of Cochise had proved futile as well. The horse would approach them and almost seem willing to go with them, but as soon as a rope appeared, the pinto would become skittish and bolt away. Both had tried together and separate to make the pony feel safe enough to return to the barn. They realized that Cochise would only return when she was ready. They could not corner her, and they could not force her. The pony was so much like her master.

**************************

If Ben had been truly honest with himself, he would have to admit he was overwhelmed with the emotion that Joe had inside of him. Ben needed to have a break from the intensity, and he decided Joe could use one as well. He knew Little Joe loved nothing better than a fish fry and checkers. Ben was determined to see his youngest better and decided the evening he had planned would lift Joe’s spirits. He longed to see his son smile. Ben enlisted the aid of Kenny once the two had returned from fishing, and Kenny and Ben went about preparing a great feast. Joe was quiet and spent the time after fishing helping to prepare the fish and then sitting quietly by the fire staring pensively into the flames.

Joe reviewed the past few days he had spent there in the cabin and felt himself confused and anxious. He had told his father so much more than he had ever thought of sharing. He realized his father was able to hold what he had said, but Joe felt sad none the less. He felt as if he had added to his father’s burden. It was as if to lighten his own burden, he had to add to his father’s. He never liked hurting his father. He was so torn with the anger and hurt he felt. He watched his father as he cleaned the fish for their supper. He loved the man he watched more than he loved anyone, and he prayed his father would not leave him because of what was happening between them. It was all new to Joe. He was not used to confiding in his father the way he was, and his fear of being left was overwhelming. He wanted his father’s love and his father’s presence. It seemed his father’s presence mattered most to him. He wanted to be angry at his father, but also wanted his father to be there when it was all over, and the anger left. He prayed his father could understand him.

The supper turned out to be the feast Ben had hoped for. Joe had caught the biggest fish and had made a comment about offering to teach his father how to properly fish. Ben relished the attempt Joe had made at being east going. Ben watched Joe throughout the meal and desperately missed the lighthearted nature of his youngest child. Many suppers had been disturbed or interrupted by Joe’s silliness at the table. Ben remembered the punishments doled out for his son’s failure to behave at the table. He longed to have to discipline Joe again for some stunt pulled when they were eating. He became optimistic that Joe would even attempt to make a lighthearted comment.

Kenny observed father and son and knew she was watching something truly special develop between the two. She could see each was so cautious and wanted to spare the other from more hurt, but she also saw they had more to share. The father looked tired and worried. He watched his son with apprehension and fear. Kenny longed to tell Joe of the love she saw coming from his father. She looked at the son and saw a health slowly returning. Joe was growing and changing. She saw a different person than the one she had seen in the saloon. She wished she could tell the father that he was doing what needed to be done, and she was confident the son would return. Instead, Kenny said little and decided to watch the beautiful drama in front of her. She was learning more of love, and she knew she could watch and learn.

After dinner, Ben decided to continue his plan to lighten the spirits of his son. “Joe, hey, I found some checkers. Wanna play?”

Checkers was a game Joe excelled at, and very rarely would he turn down a game. He had mastered the game on his brother Hoss and had developed quite a reputation as being ruthless in his desire to win. It had resulted at times, in Joe giving into temptation, and distracting his older brother, so he could rearrange the board more to his liking. Adam and Ben had been referee to several checker squabbles. Joe looked at his father as he decided if he could tolerate more connection. He made his decision. “Uh,… yeah… sure, I’ll play.”

As Joe sat for the game, Ben breathed a sigh of relief. He had hoped his son would say yes. As they set up the game pieces, Ben tried to settle into the traditional Cartwright evening which was small talk and reminiscing. “Joe, I bet your brother Hoss is dying to play you again. I think he decided to buy that book he saw on bettering his strategy and may now have it. You may have something to worry about.”

Hearing Hoss’s name and the reference to past checker games made Joe smile briefly. He had missed his brothers, but he had not allowed himself to have much thought about them. As he heard Hoss’s name, he remembered their times playing checkers, arguing over moves and countermoves. Joe felt bad he had not asked of his brothers. “Pa, um how are Hoss and Adam? I, uh was wondering about them.”

“Well Joe, they miss you very much. Both of them have been very worried, and I’m sure they were glad to hear the news that I had found you.”

Joe wanted to ask his father more questions about his brothers. He had wondered how they were each fairing and wanted to know the daily lives of his siblings, but it was too much for Joe to realize at that time. If he had, then he would soon realize he was missing the Ponderosa and his home. It was too much for him to understand.

Kenny had moved over to watch the game in progress. Ben and Joe took the game very seriously, and whomever won would be a legitimate winner, because both players knew the other would know their opponent had given his all and had lost to the more worthy victor. As they played, Ben decided to try to keep the mood lighthearted and casual. He began telling Kenny of the rivalries between Joe and Hoss over checkers. Kenny laughed aloud as she listened to the life or death competitions.

Joe listened as well and was allowing himself to re-experience the laughter and happiness the stories brought. The mood was light, and Joe took advantage of his father’s distraction into recounting tales of his boys to beat him at checkers. Ben took his defeat gracefully and challenged for another go round. Joe quickly agreed. For a little while they all forgot the circumstances which had lead them to the hunting cabin.

The new game also brought new tales of his boys, and Ben generously shared them with Kenny. Kenny enjoyed the stories and watched Joe intently. She found herself thinking that she would love to have this time together go on forever. Her love for Joe had deepened since being in the cabin, and she knew she would always love him. She felt herself drawn to him even more and loved hearing of his life and his family.

Ben was rather pleased with how the evening was turning out. It had been the closest to the type of evening the Cartwrights had shared prior to the loss of Rebecca. Ben allowed himself to relax. It was in his final story that Joe would again be propelled back into the hurt of loss of Rebecca. Ben began telling the story of how his three boys had decided they would capture the stallion of the herd that ran the Ponderosa. Each had their own motives for the capture, and as the episode unveiled it was evident each had no idea what they would actually do with the wild animal. They had fed off of each other’s desire, and it had taken little for the three to feel as if it was a wonderful idea and needed to be accomplished. They set about trying to accomplish the feat, and they were quickly bested by the wild animal.

As Ben told the story, Joe had at first found himself smiling at the memory of himself and his brother’s in hot pursuit of the renegade horse. He then remembered his own tale of the event to Rebecca, and her hearty laugh at the scene as Joe described it to her. He had added plenty of dramatics, and life daring feats in his account, and he thought of them as his father’s voice disappeared from consciousness, and the memory of his own account to Rebecca took shape in his mind. He thought of her laugh, her smile, her face, and was quickly overcome. Joe tried to fight the desire to cry, but the power of it was too strong, and he was caught in the memory. He began to feel the tears and needed to leave the room.

All of a sudden Joe interrupted Ben’s account of events. “”S’cuse me.” he said, as he stood and rapidly left the room.

Ben and Kenny sat for a moment in shock at Joe’s reaction. He had been sitting with them, and suddenly he had clouded over and appeared ready to cry. They watched him walk out of the room before it dawned on either to follow after. Ben was on his feet as soon as the shock passed and was out the door.

Once outside, Ben walked to his son and asked, “Joe, what is it son?”

“Nothin’, Pa. It’s nothin’.”

“Joseph, tell me.”

“Pa, I just miss her, and I want to be alone.”

Ben was unsure who the ‘her’ was that Joe was referring to. He had talked with his son all day of his mother, but knew Joe was grieving for two women, and Rebecca was an unspoken between them. He saw Joe was again tearful and longed to take away his child’s pain. “Joe, I don’t think you should be alone. I want to be here with you.”

“Pa, please!”

Ben saw his son look so very sad, and he knew there would be more tears shed. He looked at Joe and was torn. He knew everyone deserved time alone to grieve and mourn, but his son had done things that were terrifying, and he hesitated to leave his youngest. Ben said, “Okay Joe, but I will stay right over here. You take care of yourself, but I’m here, son. Right here.”

Joe knew his father was worried and needed to keep him in sight, He walked a little further so the dark gave him privacy, and he allowed the tears to flow. He felt the loss of his love, and his heart ached. He thought of Rebecca and relived so many things in his head. He cried until he could shed no more tears, and then he retreated to the cabin and tried to keep himself from his thoughts.

Evening turned to night, and Joe felt exhausted. He had worked physically grueling jobs often on the ranch, but the exhaustion he had felt in those jobs paled in comparison to the fatigue he was currently experiencing. His eyes hurt from the tears, and his head hurt from crying so hard. He remained quiet and solemn as he undressed and laid down. He was quickly asleep.

Ben had followed his son back into the cabin and busied himself making a fire. By the time he had finished and turned around, Joe was in bed, asleep. His mood became very somber when he thought of the reason for his son’s fatigue. Ben felt a tiredness in him and knew his son was experiencing it so much deeper. He began to think about how he had so greatly underestimated the problems he would come up against in Sacramento. He sat and looked at his son as he thought of what they had gone through together since the death of Rebecca.

Ben could accept his son’s reaction to Rebecca’s death because of his own reaction to Marie’s. He could not blame Joe for the choices he had made, and he started to realize he and his youngest may have more in common than he ever imagined. He found the realization that there was more of him in his son than he had in the past assumed to be comforting, and this in turn increased the bond he felt with Joseph.

As Ben reviewed the events of the past few months, he realized the depths of despair his son had experienced, and how easily Ben could have lost his boy to suicide. He also reviewed how far Joe had come since he had seen him sitting in the saloon, drunk and playing cards. Joe had made progress, and Ben did see that his son was coming back, but he worried how far Joe could actually travel back. He secretly feared the son he knew before Rebecca’s death was gone forever, and Joe would come most of the way back to him and then stop. He found he really missed the lighter side of his child and had felt himself disappointed that Joe could not remain lighthearted for the remainder of the evening.

Ben began to try and formulate what he needed to do in order to maximize the chance that he would have his son fully returned to his former self. Joe had been unable to talk with him about Rebecca and it was like pulling teeth to get him to share about his mother. He knew there was more to go through, and he would have to be there next to his son as the journey was taken. He was not looking forward to the journey. He was tired and did not know if he could meet his son’s intensity. He worried he would let Joe down again.

As Ben sat wondering about his own ability to measure up, he saw Joe begin to become upset, but it was different this time than the nightmares. Ben watched as Joe actually began to moan and then cry in his sleep. He saw his son was fully asleep, and he admitted to himself he did not feel able to handle an emotional and awake Joseph. He made his way quickly over to his son and began to rub his son’s arm. He spoke to his child, praying the child would sleep through the pain, “It’s okay, Joe. You’re okay, son. I’m here, and it’s all gonna be okay.” Ben looked and saw the tears falling from his sleeping child’s eyes. He rubbed Joe’s arm and spoke quietly until Joe calmed. Joe finally quieted and rolled away from his father. Ben realized he had been holding his breathe and exhaled softly. As he finally laid down to rest next to his youngest, he said a prayer. He prayed for strength and understanding, he prayed for the end of the suffering to come quickly, and he prayed for his son to be restored.

**************************

The emotional upheaval of the previous days weighed heavily on all three of the cabin’s occupants. The following days passed with little meaningful interactions. Each remained emotionally shut down, needing to restore their emotional reserves. The atmosphere remained tense, but no one was willing to broach anything deeper than asking what was to eat or to make comments on the weather.

Joe found himself sleeping hard and spent long hours resting, as his body demanded that he would attend to it’s needs. He experienced nightmares off and on, as his mind tried to come to terms with the loss of the women he had loved. In waking hours, he began to attempt to exercise his leg by walking through the woods. He was always accompanied by either his father or Kenny, but there was little conversation as Joe focused on stepping firmly and confidently on his injured limb. His leg allowed him to walk, but he found it aching after he had spent the day moving about.

Ben cautiously watched his son and knew he was allowing Joe to avoid talking. He wondered if he was being selfish, but he also knew he had to have a break from the intensity. He made himself remain connected to his son by being physically present for Joe. He also made himself attentive and looked for anything Joe would need to help him understand and handle the emotions inside of him. He made himself think of Marie’s death and the hurt he had experienced in order to allow him to connect with his child. He knew making himself do this was the only way he could do it. Otherwise, it was much too overwhelming; much too painful.

It had been four days since Ben and Joe had been fishing and had discussed Marie’s burial. Both father and son were hesitant to talk, and they spent their time doing a dance around each other and the emotions neither wished to experience. Ben and Kenny had taken to their customary morning coffee and discussion. Ben had found himself relaxing with the saloon girl, and they were able to talk about emotionally charged subjects. From this Ben was able to gain further understanding of himself and his son.

Kenny and Ben were enjoying a second cup of coffee when Joe emerged from the cabin. It was obvious Joe had just woke and he looked disheveled. His hair was tousled and his clothes were rumpled. He grumbled a good morning to his father and Kenny and then moved down to the stream. He cleaned himself up and thought of the peacefulness of the meadow and the stream. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes to the sensual assault of nature. He thought of the Ponderosa and the enjoyment he experienced when riding alone and experiencing the sights and sounds of the land. He thought of long rides he had taken and the enjoyment of riding on Cochise. He allowed himself to think briefly of what it would be like to go back home. He thought to himself, “If only I could go back and not hurt so bad. If only I could handle it.”

He shook his head to clear the thoughts. Joe felt confusion as he tried to determine what it was he needed for himself. He had never really given that question much thought; he had just assumed his family knew best, although he knew he fought against it at times. He had always been his father’s son and a little brother. He allowed a small admission to himself that when he had run from the Ponderosa, he had reacted to the pain and ran because he wanted away from it. He had no idea if he had made the right decision.

Joe finished cleaning up and headed up the hill. He was quiet as he ascended and overheard his father and Kenny talking. He heard his father say, “…it has to be part of God’s will. There’s no other explanation for all of this. I wish Joseph could accept this. I wish it would help him.”

Joe crested the hill, and Ben saw an angry look on his son’s face. He had stopped talking when he saw Joe and was unaware of the reason for the look. Joe glared at his father briefly, and then walked past him into the cabin and slammed the door. Kenny and Ben looked at each other, again confused about the reaction in Joseph. “What is it now?” Ben asked himself. He felt as if dealing with his son was equivalent to walking through an open field with arrows being fired at him. He took a deep breathe and stood, gathering himself together to enter into another emotional storm with his son.

Ben walked in to see his son throwing his clothes into a pile in the corner and muttering to himself. He did not bother to look at his father as he stormed around the room. Ben stood watching. Eventually Joe sniped, “What?”

Ben felt the intensity of Joe’s question and paused before answering, “Why are you mad?”

Joe reeled around and unloaded on his father, “Why am I mad? Why? You wanna know why? I am sick of hearing it’s all God’s will! That’s why I’m mad, Pa! I’ve heard that my whole life! That’s the answer I was given over and over for Mama dying! Now it’s the same answer I get for Rebecca! I don’t want that answer! It doesn’t help me! God is mean and cruel and all He does is punish! I don’t know what I did so wrong! I’ve tried and tried, and I can’t even figure out what I did so bad! What was it, Pa? What did I do?”

Ben was taken aback by what his son was saying to him. He found himself again surprised with what Joseph was thinking. He briefly flashed back to his little boy asking if the reason his mother was no longer with him was because she was mad at him. “Son, you didn’t do anything wrong. Why would you think you did something wrong?”

“Why am I being punished, Pa? I had to have done something! Was it ‘cause I let her drive the wagon? Or is God just that mean?”

“Joseph, it isn’t like that. It’s not like that at all. God isn’t punishing you. What happened to your mother and to Rebecca was not because of something you did or didn’t do. You’re wrong. It was because of things you have no control over. We don’t know all of it son. We can’t know all of it.”

“But I have to know. I have to know how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I have to try and make sure I don’t lose anyone else. I can’t lose anyone else! Why won’t God just tell me instead of all of this? Why does He make it so I wanted it so much and then He takes it and then it hurts so bad? Why is He so mean, Pa?”

The expression on Joe’s face broke Ben’s heart. Joe was asking questions men had asked through the ages. He was asking questions Ben had asked himself in his time of loss. He was asking questions Ben was not certain he had answers for. “Son, I’m not sure what to tell you. I’m not sure what to say that will take it all away for you.”

“Pa, when I was little, and I would ask you about why Mama was dead, you would say it was God’s will. Did God want me without my mother? Why? Why did He want that for me? You’d say God’s will and I never understood it. It never made me feel better, Pa. I felt worse. Was it supposed to help? Is there something wrong with me that makes it so that doesn’t work for me?”

“No, son there is nothing wrong with you. You see those words don’t take the hurt away, and looking back on all of this Joseph, I know now that those words were not what you needed to hear at all. Son, God isn’t punishing you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I know where your pain comes from son, it comes from me having let you down. You needed me. I’m the one you’re so angry with, son. I’m the one who didn’t comfort you. I know I left. Joseph, you remember it right. After we buried your mother I took to my room and was not there for a while. You had to have been full of so many questions and fears, son. You were left to try and make sense of something that was so very hard to do. I know it had to have been, because I was grown and didn’t understand it. You were five and needed your father.”

“But why did He take Rebecca too, Pa? Why couldn’t I just be able to marry Bec and be happy?”

“I don’t know, son. I know it was nothing to do with anything you did wrong. What happened with Rebecca was an accident. That’s all it was.”

“But Pa, I guess I let her drive those horses. I was wrong to do that.”

Ben knew he had a question to ask his son and he feared Joseph’s answer, but also knew he had to know. “Joseph, I want you to answer me honestly. Do you blame me for your mother’s death? After all, you know I gave her the horse she fell from.”

Joe’s eyes got big and he shook his head, “Oh no, Pa. No. That’s silly. It was an accident. No you weren’t…” Joe stopped as he thought of what his father had asked him. Were the two situations similar? “uh, you are, uh making a point aren’t you, Pa?”

Ben smiled at his son and shook his head. He was relieved Joe saw the situations as similar. “Son, I have grown to realize something since we have been together here. I always thought that you were so similar to your mother, that I did not fully notice the similarity between you and me. Son, what you did with Rebecca, your reaction to her death was so very similar to mine in your mother’s death. Maybe that is why I couldn’t reach you at the ranch. Maybe it is why it was so hard for you, and why I felt so helpless with you.”

Joe listened to his father’s words and did not speak. He had not thought how he and his father had been similar. At times in his life he had wondered how much Cartwright was actually in him. He heard for the first time that maybe there was more than he thought. His father’s observation began to rattle around inside of him.

“Pa, can I tell you about something?”

Ben felt himself encouraged. “Certainly son. Let’s sit down.”

Ben and Joe sat near the fireplace, and Joe spoke. “Pa, um, there is something else I remember, and it’s really stupid, but I wanna tell you. I know it was a way a kid thinks, but maybe, I’m not so sure. Maybe… I huh, I tried to uh… this sounds really stupid to say out loud. Pa, I uh, thought maybe I could uh, bring her back, if I was good enough. I remember hearing something in church, and I guess I didn’t understand what they were saying, cause I thought that if I was really good, then Mama would come back.”

With that Joe shared his final, painful memory from a time when he felt so alone and wanted nothing more than his mother back…

The circuit preacher made the rounds through the territory, and Ben made it a point to have himself and his boys in attendance at church anytime they could make it away from the obligations at the ranch, and the preacher was close enough to make the journey. Ben had found solace in attending services after Marie’s death, and it made his pain a little easier to bear.

The Sunday morning had started out with an enormous battle between Joseph and Hop Sing. Hop Sing had taken upon himself the job of dressing the youngest Cartwright and getting him down with the others. The job had been one Hop Sing had insisted he do because in his opinion, the others would either not take the care and concern to dress Joseph appropriately or they would create much more chaos than necessary. Hop Sing believed no one could do it as well as himself. He felt that if Little Joe had said he wanted to wear clothes that did not match, his brothers would let him do it in order to avoid the battle. On the other hand, the boy’s father tended to battle the child, and both Joe and his father would end up in a foul mood for many hours afterwards. Hop Sing found that he was the one that could keep the peace, and also not allow Joe to go out looking like a ragamuffin.

Hop Sing usually enjoyed these mornings with the boy. He would have to wake Joe several times, because of Joe’s tendency to fall quickly back to sleep. Hop Sing would usually end up dressing a half asleep Little Joe. He would call out commands in a combination of languages, both in Cantonese and English, such as, “hold out arm,” and Little Joe would respond. This was the normal dressing routine. However, this particular Sunday, Little Joe was feeling obstinate. Hop Sing had no way of knowing the child had not slept well due to bad dreams of things that lurked in the dark, ready to devour little boys. All he knew was he was in a battle with a five year old and was unsure who would win. Little Joe fussed and held tight to the bed, wishing to sleep. As Hop Sing forced the issue, Little Joe began to cry. He told his beloved friend he was mean and was hurting him as he put on his shirt. As Hop Sing buttoned the shirt to the top button, Little Joe protested that he could not breathe and undid the button. He yelled out how much he hated the shirt he was given, and it was “scratchy”. As the pants went on, Little Joe told Hop Sing they were too tight, and they no longer fit. Hop Sing could feel the child had plenty of room and continued to dress him. Little Joe tried to scamper away, back to bed, but the faithful cook held tight. As the boots went on Little Joe squealed, swearing his friend was breaking his toes. Hop Sing shook his head and continued to push the boots onto the child’s feet. After dressing the child, Hop Sing stood back to admire his handiwork. The child was so naturally handsome, but Hop Sing laughed a moment. Joe’s hair was sticking straight up in the back, and it was obvious the child had just gotten out of bed. Hop Sing moved him over to the wash basin and wetted his hands. He then ran them over the naturally curly hair.

“Hop Sing that’s all wet. Don’t do that. It makes me all cold. You’re gonna make me all sick, and then I’ll die.” Little Joe protested.

“Little Joe stand still. You be handsome boy if you stand still and let Hop Sing fix hair.”

“I don’t wanna be handsome. This is yucky. I wanna go to sleep, Hop Sing. Tell Papa I’m too sleepy.”

“No Little Joe, you be good boy. You not make Papa mad. You go downstairs and eat breakfast. Not be bad boy.”

Joe stuck out his lower lip and tried to pout his way out of having to leave his room and join the others downstairs.

“Little Joe be very bad. You not should get pancakes.”

Little Joe heard the word pancakes, and that was all it took to get the child out of his room and down the stairs. Hop Sing smiled as he saw the little boy run down the stairs to his favorite breakfast. He was running to the table in seconds flat and paused briefly to greet his father and brothers. “Hi Papa! Hi Hoss! Hi Adam!”

He landed in his chair with a smile on his face; gone the sleepy little boy who was protesting the morning upstairs. He sat in his seat; his feet nowhere near the floor and grabbed for the pancakes on the tray in front of him. It was not the doughy cakes he truly desired; they were only there to soak up the sweet syrup Little Joe loved. He reached for the pitcher of syrup wanting to pour it onto his plate. Ben reminded his youngest, “Joseph, it is too heavy. Here let me help.”

The syrup, hot from Hop Sing’s kitchen, poured over the cakes with help from his father, and Little Joe smiled. His brothers and father watched the little boy get excited over his breakfast and each tried to help. Little Joe was stubborn in his unwillingness to view himself as only five. He was surrounded by people much older than himself and wanted to be like them in every way. His family at times forgot he was a little boy, as they too desired him to grow up quicker than was natural. To handle a child, especially a precocious one was much more difficult and cumbersome. It resulted in conflict. A little boy trying to be older and failing, and a family wanting an older child and getting a little boy.

Joe had devoured two pancakes and decided he wanted more. He selected two more and then went quickly to pouring the syrup. In childlike fashion, as the boy helped himself, he overestimated his need, and the syrup flowed over the cakes, onto the table, and as the boy tried to stop it, onto the boy’s hands. Joe felt the syrup hit his hands and instinctively wiped them on his shirt. This did not remove the sticky substance, and Little Joe went about marking everything he touched. Hop Sing had traveled down to the family and saw the spectacle unfold. Joe was trying to get himself free of the syrup and everything he came in contact with was caught in little boy sticky fingers. One of the victims of the carnage of Little Joe and the sticky syrup was Adam. Joe was trying to remove the syrup when he reached out, and Adam’s shirt was marked. Little Joe pulled back afraid. Adam looked down at the child’s handprint on his new shirt and immediately felt anger. “Jeez Joe, watch it! You got my new shirt all messed!”

Joe stepped back and then looked at his father and saw a scowl. He looked at Hoss and saw his beloved brother avoiding his eye. He tried to smile at his father, but he knew it did not work. Ben stood and took his youngest’s arm in his hand. He gave a swat on Little Joe’s behind, and Joe immediately started to cry. He was more upset at the embarrassment than the pain his father could induce. Ben quickly called Hop Sing and told him to redress the youngest Cartwright. Ben then returned to Adam and apologized. Adam quickly realized he was dealing with his little brother; a child only five and said, “Ah Pa, Little Joe didn’t know what he was doing. He got excited.”

The three, Hoss, Adam and their father held each other’s gaze for a moment and then started to laugh. They all thought of the small child trying to be grown by helping himself. For a while Joe had become more of a baby after his mother had died, sucking his thumb and being more clingy, and now here he was trying to do for himself. It was a good sign that Joe was returning to his former self, but his former self was at times a little too grown for his own good.

The family finally made it out of the house with Joe freshly scrubbed once more, and both Joe and Adam in clean shirts. They rode in a carriage to the small church. Little Joe sat next to Hoss, and the two brothers giggled and laughed as they whispered between them. Ben and Adam discussed the running of the ranch, and every so often they would be interrupted by a question from Little Joe or Hoss.

Once at the church, Little Joe was placed in between his father and Adam during the service due to his tendency to either start whispering with Hoss, or for both boys to begin to make noise that would distract the other worshippers. As the service started and Little Joe was required to sit still, he became sleepy and eventually his head came to rest on his father’s shoulder. Ben felt the weight of Joe against him and found it comforting. He said a short prayer thanking God for his boys.

The circuit preacher was talking on Heaven as Little Joe slept soundly. His father eventually had to move his arm due to the pressure from his youngest’s head, and the movement woke Little Joe. Joe was groggy, and it took a while for him to wake. Once he was aware, he thought he heard a story he would hold close to him. Little Joe came awake to hear the pastor saying… “And the truly good, the pure and the good of heart will see the dead again. They will see the ones they loved once more.”

Joe heard the Pastor’s words and sat thinking over times he had tried, but had failed, to be good. He vowed to himself he would remain a good boy, and he would make everyone happy. “After all, it’s worth a try.” Little Joe thought. He missed his mother, and the preacher said it was so easy to get her back. “Just be a good boy.” Little Joe reasoned, “Just don’t mess up, and Mama will be back.” Little Joe vowed at that point that he would be perfect. He missed his mother so, and he thought if she knew how hard he was trying, she would come and rejoin the Cartwright family. He believed it because he was a child. He needed help understanding the reality of the loss of his mother, and what the words the pastor said had really meant.

Little Joe thought of whispering a question to his father, but stopped when he realized he was going to do something that could be bad, namely whispering in church. He did not share with his father what he had concluded after hearing the preacher. If he had, the message he had interpreted from the preacher would have been clarified for him, but Joe was more concerned about the return of his mother, so he said nothing.

The sermon ended and after brief socializing, the Cartwrights headed back to the ranch. Joe mulled over in his head all of the things he would do right from that moment forward. He was carrying on an animated conversation with Hoss and impulsively began to argue with his brother. He immediately caught himself when his father gave him one of Ben Cartwright’s famous looks and Joe immediately apologized. He told himself to try harder and avoided further arguments with Hoss.

The afternoon and evening passed with Little Joe weighing every move he made. His behavior was noticed by his family and more than once his father or brothers asked him if he was feeling okay. He tried to remember all of his manners and having watched and observed adults interact, Joe mimicked the adults he had heard and thanked his family for their concern. Each of the Cartwright’s shook their heads and wondered what it was that Little Joe was up to. Joe did not share his revelation.

As it is with children, the passing of time did not mean the same for Joe as it did for the rest of the family. He had been home from church only a brief period, when he assumed he had been good for an appropriate amount of time. He ran to the door, opened it and looked for his mother. Joe had assumed she would ride up on the same horse she had been thrown from, and he listened for horse’s hooves. He stood on the porch waiting for his mother, but eventually returned into the house and back to trying to be even better than he had previously been. This behavior continued throughout the day as Joe tried to will his mother back to him.

Evening finally came, and the family made their way to the table for dinner. Joe had not heard Hop Sing’s original summons to the table, because he was lost in war games with his soldiers. When he realized he was late to the supper table, he rose quickly and started to run for the table. In his haste, he ran too close to a table holding a vase; a gift from his father to his mother. The vase wobbled and then fell shattering on the floor. Joe stopped dead in his tracks. He looked with horror at the fragments that scattered the floor.

Ben was immediately to his feet and saw what lay shattered on the floor. He yelled, “Joseph!” as he felt the anger and disappointment rise in him. He then looked at his youngest. He saw Joe looking pale and scared; frozen in his tracks. Joe looked at what was left of the vase and then up at his father. He immediately broke into tears. Joe was crying, but it was for something other than what his father assumed. Ben had thought Joe was crying out of fear for what his father would do to discipline him. But instead, Joe was crying because he had assumed the breaking of the vase made it so that he had been bad, and therefore, he had messed up his plan.

Ben asked, “Joseph, what have I told you about running in the house?”

Joe became even more upset and started crying harder. Ben watched his child and felt confused. Joe was much more upset than usual, and it did not make sense. His son was almost hysterical. Joe’s reaction reduced the anger in Ben, and he walked over to his little boy. Joe was speaking, but Ben had difficulty making out what was being said through his son’s gasps. He did hear the words, “Mama” and “come back” but could make out nothing further. Ben knelt down so he was looking at his son in the eye. He said quietly, “Joseph, you know you are not supposed to run in the house See what happens. I think you need to go to your room.”

Ben no sooner finished his statement, than Little Joe was running up the stairs and into his room. He dove onto his bed crying, saying over and over that he would never see his mother again. His father quickly joined him and rubbing his back said, “It’s okay, son. It’s okay. It’s just a vase.”

Joe cried hard as he believed he had made a mistake, and his mother would not return because of it. His father sat next to him, unaware of why he was so hurt. His father did not ask. Finally, the little boy cried himself to sleep, and the secret he held remained unshared until twelve years later…

As Joe finished telling of the memory, he returned to the present in his mind. Ben reached out and placed his hand on Joe’s and said, “Joe, what you believed wasn’t stupid. You just did what I think we’ve all done. We all try at times to make deals with God. It’s just part of the way we handle our grief. It’s how we cope with the hurt.”

“But Pa, how do you keep going knowing any time He could do it again? He could just take someone from me.”

“You can’t live in fear Joe. You can’t run away and hide from people, because you can’t bear losing them. Let me ask you something. Would you’ve not wanted to know your mother at all just so you would not have to feel losing her?”

Joe thought of his brothers and felt bad for them. “I’m glad I got to know her, even the little bit I did. I’d never give that up. I feel bad for Hoss and Adam, cause they never got to know their mothers. Was I luckier?”

“Joe, I don’t think you can compare grief and pain between people. There’s never a good time to lose your mother. I know all three of you’ve been terribly hurt by the losses. You know, this time with you Joe has shown me the depths of the hurt. But son, you’ve got to realize that there is some hurt and grief you can stop from continuing.”

Joe was confused at what his father said. He had wanted it all to stop hurting for so long. “What do you mean?”

“You know how bad it hurt Rebecca’s parents to lose her?”

“Uh huh.” Joe said quietly, as he lowered his head.

“Well son, I lost a child in that accident too, and Hoss and Adam lost a brother. I’ve heard you say over and over how you miss your mother and you miss Rebecca. Joe, we miss you that same way. The only difference is, you can help with our grief. Son, you know that ache you feel for them? I have felt it since the day I lost you; since that buckboard flipped over.

“I need you Joseph. I’ve not told you that before, but I do. You’ve made it easier for my grief over your mother by the mere presence of you in my life. I’m wanting to do the same in your life. I want Hoss and Adam to do that for you as well. Son, you ran from us, and you’re the one who has to come back. You have to let us move into those places in your heart that hurt so bad.”

Joe started to cry as his father talked. He felt the hurt so deeply as his father spoke. He could say nothing.

“Son, you need to know you’re such a vital part of my life. I built the Ponderosa for you and your brothers because of how much I loved you all. I always prayed it would be a sanctuary from the rest of the world, where we, as a family, could make something together. You’re just as much a part of that prayer as I am or your brothers are. Your mother wanted you to grow up at home and even raise your own family there as well. She told me that she was so happy that you would have it so different than she had. She sacrificed right along side me to make the Ponderosa yours. It was almost as if she felt a great relief that you would be safe there.

“When I saw you in that saloon Joe, it was a nightmare. It was everything your mother had wanted to escape from and protect you from. You’re right about your mother having it very hard in her life before I met her, but she rose out of it and would never want you where she had been. She wanted you to have everything, son. She had such great hopes and dreams for you.

“I guess what I’m trying to tell you is the accident and you’re running away did not only affect you. It affected all of us and continues to. You said to me that you would love to talk with your mother because you knew she could help you. Well son, I just told you what she wanted for you. I cannot see how the desires she had for you would change just because you got older.”

Joe kept his head down as he listened. He had a question he asked through his tears, “Pa, how could you stand being in that house after Mama died? Didn’t everything just remind you of her too much. Didn’t you want to leave?”

“I learned you can’t run from memories. They’re there and will be there where ever you go. You tried to escape them by leaving, by drinking and by using morphine, but they came with you, didn’t they?”

“But there are more memories there than anywhere else. It hurts there.”

“Yes it does and will… for a while. But you will find son, after a while, you grow to cherish those memories, and the things that remind you of her.”

“I just don’t know, Pa. I don’t know if I can.”

“Do you have good memories of home?”

“Yeah, Pa. Of course, lots of ‘em.”

“Those are the ones you use to help with the bad ones. Not everything at home was bad, Joe. I think as you started to become so sad it became all bad in your head. You didn’t allow yourself to think of anything else. You just let it stay bad.” Ben said and felt thankful that the words were coming to him in order to help Joe.

“Pa, I don’t know. I’m just so confused. I want to think about it, ‘cause I never want to forget Rebecca. But then I don’t want to think about it, ‘cause it hurts so much. I get it all messed up in my head about what I want. You know what I hate so much about Mama and the memories? It seems the older I get, the more I lose a’ them. Is there gonna come a day when I forget her totally?”

“No, because that is what your family is for. Joe, I hope you will allow us to help with the remembering. I have so many great memories of your mother and all you have to do is ask, and I’ll tell them to you. Anything you think you’ve forgotten you tell me, and I’ll help. And as you share your memories of Rebecca, we help you keep those too. We can help strengthen the memories and renew them when they start to fade.”

“Pa, I don’t know. I just don’t know. I get so confused. It all hurts, and I think that it’s gonna just be this way forever…” Joe began to feel as if he could tolerate no more. He had to break away to think and let things become more clear. He knew he could not handle more from his father right then. “Uh… you mind if I go for a walk for a while? I wanna kinda think about all of it.”

“Fine son.” Ben answered knowing the discussion was emotionally draining, and Joe needed a break. His son had always been one to talk a little and then go off and think it through, so Joe’s request did not surprise him, but he still was not comfortable with Joe alone, so he said, “Why don’t you take Kenny along?”

Joe wiped away the tears and went to stand. He half smiled at his father, as he said, “You’re dead set on me not being alone aren’t ya, Pa? Okay, I’ll take her with me.”

With that Joe walked out of the cabin and saw Kenny sitting down by the stream. “Hey Kenny. Wanna go for a walk?” Joe offered.

Kenny was surprised Joe had asked. Usually he would just start walking, and either she or Joe’s father would follow. He had allowed them to accompany him, but it had been reluctantly. This time Joe had asked her to join him. “Yeah, sure.” Kenny responded, falling in next to Joe.

They walked along in relative silence for a while. Joe was mulling over in his head his father’s words. He allowed himself to question what it would be like to actually go home. The thought made him anxious, and he decided to avoid it for a while longer. Finally he decided to speak. “Kenny, can I ask you a kinda personal question?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Have you ever been in love? I mean really in love?”

Joe’s question caught Kenny off guard. She had never felt love until she had met Joe and she now knew what it meant. “Uh… yeah I think so, why?”

“What happened?”

“Well, he, the guy I loved was in love with someone else. He never knew how I felt.” Kenny was finding the conversation awkward because she was speaking of Joe. She prayed he did not remember what Shelby revealed to Joe earlier.

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“It’s… uh… was kinda complicated. He loved the other girl very much, and he just wasn’t able to love me.” Kenny was trying to answer Joe in a nonchalant manner, but it took all her concentration to watch the words she used.

“How’d you get over it?”

“Oh… uh well, I um… I’m not really over it, and at times I have to continue to tell myself that I can not have him, and I need to accept it. I cry and am sad, but I know it’s not meant to be. He doesn’t feel the same way about me. We met at the wrong time in our lives, I guess.”

“Do you think you’ll ever love anyone again?”

“I hope so. It sure does feel good to be in love. I’d like to find someone just like this guy.” Kenny said and thought, “Oh, I sure hope I can find someone just like you, Joe. I know I won’t settle ‘til I do.”

“You still love him, huh?”

“I think I always will, because he really was very special. We had some special times together. Times I’ll never forget. You know I think I found what I really wanted in a man and for that it may have all been worth it.”

“Huh, I wonder Kenny, is it all really worth it?” Joe asked, as they slowly walked along, neither looking at the other. “I mean here you’re lovin’ some guy who you think you’ll never have, and here I’m lovin’ someone who’s gone. Would you do it again? Would you get hurt again?”

“Yes, in an instant.” Kenny responded with no hesitation.

“Just like that? You think it was worth it?”

“Most definitely Joe, don’t you?”

“I know I loved Rebecca more than anyone in my whole life, and I know it hurts more than anything has ever hurt to lose her. It actually at times makes me hurt physically to think how much I miss her. I don’t want to lose like that again. I don’t want to be that happy and then have it just disappear. Kenny, my last memories with Rebecca hurt so bad, ‘cause I don’t have a finish to them. It’s like she and me, we’re together and feeling the happiest I ever felt, and then I wake up in a doctor’s office, and my Pa tells me she’s dead. I can’t remember the accident, her dying, I didn’t even see the funeral. I know what happened, ‘cause they told me it was a buckboard accident, but I have no memory of it. It’s all so hard to believe because of that. It’s like she is supposed to be in my life, ‘cause I never saw her leave”

“But don’t you think that could be a blessing? Think of your last memory with her. Wouldn’t you rather have that than seeing her dead?”

Joe thought of the meadow and his time with Rebecca. He was holding her and showing her how much he loved her. He wondered which was better: forever remembering making love, but knowing it ended as his last memory of her, or being able to see it all happen and see her dead, so he knew it was over? One memory kept him forever connected to her, the other he thought, would help him let go. He had no idea which was best for him.

“Kenny, I don’t know which I would prefer. I guess neither. I want her here and for it to all start over and for me to get to marry her.” Joe fantasized.

“Yeah, I know, but you know you don’t get to do that.” Kenny said very quietly. It was painful for her to hear how much Joe loved Rebecca, but she noticed he was able to talk about Rebecca more than he ever had before. Joe was opening up and getting better. Kenny found this realization to be bittersweet. For her to have him, he had to be lost to himself. For him to get better meant she would lose him. It did not seem quite fair to her.

“Yeah, that I have become painfully aware of. My Pa asked me a question about my mother that I was wondering about Rebecca. That’s why I asked you what I did. I started wonderin’ if I’d’ve spent the time I did loving Rebecca, knowin’ I’d lose her.

“You know she was incredible Kenny. She really was. She could make me laugh at just about anythin’. She had this way of makin’ things not so bad. And she had this thing about her that every time I looked at her, I just felt like she knew what I was thinkin’. We would be in a room, and I would look at her, and she would look at me and it was like she knew exactly what I was gonna say or what I was gonna do. She would tell me later what she thought I was thinkin’, and I was so amazed. She really knew me. Kenny, is that love?”

“Sounds like it to me, Joe. Would you’ve given that up? Would you’ve not known her or known love with her because of the way it turned out?”

“No. I couldn’t give her up or have lived not knowing her. She became everything. It felt too good to just give it up.” Joe continued to reminisce. “You know when we were together… when she was alive, it just felt so much better to be with her than apart. I could be really tired, or could be kinda upset about something and there she’d be, and it would feel a little better. But I don’t know if I can get that again. What if that was it?”

“Well if it was, would you have not wanted it?” Kenny asked.

“You ask tough questions.” Joe said looking at Kenny.

“I think they’re the same ones I ask myself.” Kenny commented and smiled. “See I found out something about myself, Joe. I went through most of my life hearing stories of love, and eventually I believed it was all just a bunch of lies, and that all life really had to offer was a day to day existence. When I fell in love, I saw how much more there is to life. Love was actually real. The person I love couldn’t return it, but now I feel driven on to find the one who can. I can’t see living without it anymore.”

“I wouldn’t want to have only that small taste of love either.” Joe commiserated. “I guess I want more, too. I’m just afraid I can’t find it.”

“I think if you want more, then you’ll find it.”

“But then I hurt Rebecca to do it, don’t I?”

“Well, I think you can only hurt her if she did not want you to be happy. Joe, everything you have told me about her, every reaction I have seen from you about her, says she and you loved each other very much, and she wanted you happy. She wants you to go on.”

“She’ll think I didn’t really love her if I just go on.”

Kenny thought back to the times Joe had spoken of his love, and she knew Rebecca had to have known he loved her. She then thought of the time she had spent with Joe, and if he had been as passionate with his true love as he had been with her, she had no doubt Rebecca felt loved. “No. She knew how much you loved her, believe me. Women know these things, and you just radiate your love for her. Rebecca knew, and she knows you have to go on. Joe, that is also part of love; letting go. You have to let go when you know that it is better for the one you love to go on than to stay back with you. Rebecca sounds like she wanted everything good for you, and she would be hurt if you didn’t go on.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah, I do. I know I am letting go of the one I love so both he and I can be happy. It’s not easy believe me, but it is what has to be.”

“Hum.” Was all Joe responded with, as his mind went deep into thought. Joe and Kenny concluded their walk together discussing little more than the things they saw along the way. As they walked they both thought of the ones they loved. Kenny began to know she was going to have to do as she had told Joe and let go. She prayed she could.

After the walk concluded, Kenny headed toward the cabin to think through her decision, and Joe took his customary seat outside, looking at the stream. His head was full of the conversations he had experienced over the time he had been at the cabin. Joe was feeling down, but the darkness had lifted some, and he was able to have more and more glimpses of light. He noticed that he saw the colors around him brighter than he had in the previous months, but there was still a sadness that kept him from a full enjoyment of the world around him. He felt he was getting better inside his head, but he wondered if he would ever feel as he had before the accident. Would he ever want to laugh?

Joe sat reflecting over the words which had passed between him and his father. So much had been said, and it felt as if it was overwhelming, the insights shared. He needed to sort them through. He thought of the secret memories he had told his father, and how his father had responded to his revelations. He realized he had been able to share with his father his deepest secrets, and he was not punished, nor was he left for them. He thought of how lovingly his father had listened to him and had allowed him to tell him of his anger. He then thought back to the state his father had found him in Sacramento, and realized his father had not punished him for that either. He saw that his father must truly have understood more of what had happened inside of him than Joe had ever expected him to be able to do. Maybe his father understood it more than he did himself.

While growing up, Joe and his father had endured more than their share of conflict as Joe bucked, and his father held tight on the reins. He noticed though, the interactions he had experienced while at the cabin were something entirely new. His father was treating him as a friend as much as he was a father. Joe felt his father’s guidance during their talks, but there was something new there as well. His father seemed very interested in him and what he thought about. At that moment, Joe realized his faith in his father was being resurrected from a twelve year dormancy. His father had not walked away from him. He had not been left alone, and he began to truly believe his father would never willingly abandon him.

Joe thought of the comparison of his own loss to that of his father’s. When they had cried over his mother together, Joe had realized his father knew what he felt. He saw his father’s pain and knew they had shared something together that was powerful. He had been unable to talk with his father of his own lost love, and he sat wondering why. He thought for a long while and finally decided it was because he still had difficulty seeing his father as anyone other than the man who had raised him. He felt awkward talking of his relationship with Rebecca, of his love of her. Joe was struggling with his movement into manhood, where he would allow his father to see him as more than a boy. He began to believe maybe this too could be something he could talk to his father about.

He remembered his father comparing his own behavior to that of Rebecca’s death. He had seen the pain in the Larson’s and knew of his own. He had not realized until his father had said what he had, that he could have created the same hurt inside his father. He knew he had not willingly done that, but it troubled him that it had occurred. He saw how his own pain had caused him to abandon his father and his brothers.

He then thought of his brothers at home. Joe had not allowed himself to think of their hurt at him leaving them. He could tolerate them being angry, but the hurt was much harder. He had preferred to stay numb, and he had been unable to feel much since he had left the Ponderosa. As the days had passed at the cabin, and his mind and feelings reawakened, he had to fight against thinking about his brothers at home. He allowed himself to finally think of how much he really missed them. With the thoughts came the feelings, and then the tears. He knew how important Hoss and Adam were to him, and he began to realize that he had caused them a pain that he himself could not tolerate. Joe had known his brothers had been there for him throughout his life, and it was they who helped him through the death of his mother. He was very uncomfortable knowing he had hurt them. He began to want to repair the damage.

Joe’s thoughts finally turned to his mother’s wishes for him. He always had held his mother in the highest of regard and wanted to make her proud. His memories prior to her death were so loving and wonderful. He hated her death had to intrude into those memories and end them at such a young age. He thought of what his father had told him regarding his mother’s wishes for his life. The more he thought over that conversation, the more he became certain he had heard his mother speak, and he had heard her guidance. He knew he could not ignore the message, but worried if he could carry it out. He said aloud, “Mama, if it’s what you want, then you’re gonna have to help me. You’ll have to make me strong, ‘cause I’m gonna need it.”

He stood and walked to the cabin, waiting to feel the strength to do what he knew he had to do.

**************************

Supper came, and the three sat down to eat as had grown their custom. Each was quiet as they reviewed the discussions of the day. While Joe had sat thinking by the stream, Ben had sat back and kept his eye on him. Ben had to admit to himself, it was beginning to feel as if a calm was starting to come over his son. He noticed Joe had grown up greatly during their time together, but he felt torn, because of his concern that with maturity, Joe had lost his innocence and his natural love of life. The loss was most seen when he looked in Joe’s eyes. Although Joe’s eyes look much less sad there was a characteristic that was missing. It was the natural sparkle of life in Joe’s eyes. Ben wanted the sparkle to return.

Kenny had spent the time since her talk with Joe coming to a sad realization. She was growing too attached and was worried she could never leave if she did not do it soon. She decided to share her intentions with Joe and his father, and she hoped she could say what she needed to without breaking down. “Mr. Cartwright, Joe, I have been thinking, and I realized tomorrow is Wednesday. The stage headed back east comes through town on Wednesdays, so I was thinking of going ahead and getting on it. I want to start over back home. To give it another try.”

Kenny’s announcement took both Ben and Joe off guard. The three had not talked of the end of their time together. Each knew the arrangement had been temporary, but it still came as a surprise. “Well Kenny, you are more than welcome to stay as long as you like. I don’t see that there is any hurry on our part.” Ben said with warmth.

“Oh I know that Mr. Cartwright. It’s just I need to get going, so I can get my life back headed in the right direction. I kinda got lost there for a while in the saloon, but I think I know what I want now.”

Joe listened to Kenny and felt himself sad. He had grown comfortable with Kenny and knew she had helped him with his hurt. As he had listened to her say she was going home to get her life back together, he realized her courage. He wondered if her decision to be brave could help him gain more strength. He said to her, “Geez Kenny, I’ve gotten real used to having you around. I grew up with only brothers, and I guess I got to feel what it's like to have a sister for awhile.”

Joe’s statement made Kenny sad because she did not view him as a brother, but she had known somewhere inside that had to be her role with Joe for him. “Like I told ya before Joe, you have helped me so much and I have been so glad to be able to help you and your Pa. I am eternally grateful.”

“As are we Kendall.” Ben said. “I know I was hard on you when I found out about your connection with Shelby, but I think that you have shown us you really have a very good heart. I’m in your debt for all of your help here. We can take you to the stage tomorrow if you would like.”

“Thank you. I’d like that.” Kenny said, but found herself wanting to change the subject. She was feeling sad and needed to pretend a while longer that her stay was not coming to an end “But, hey we have this evening, and Joe, I think I’m up to the challenge of playing you in checkers.”

“Sure.” Joe said and gave her a small smile.

The evening was spent with Joe and Kenny playing checkers, and Ben reading by the fire. Ben periodically looked up at his son, watching his face. He saw the concentration on Joe’s face and found himself a little more relieved, a little more encouraged. Joe had shown no desire to attend to the games he had played with Hoss back at the Ponderosa after the accident, but in both the checkers games Ben had played with him, and the games he watched Joe and Kenny play, showed him glimpses of the son he had previously known. Joe was perched on the arm of the chair, lost in his strategy, his eyes focused and absentmindedly chewing on his lower lip. Ben smiled and said a silent prayer that Joe’s return would continue.

**************************

The morning unveiled itself to the cabin and the inhabitants rose to greet the day. Joe rose soon after Kenny and his father and the three sat enjoying a leisurely breakfast. Afterwards, Ben retrieved the horses and began to hitch the wagon. After he finished, he announced that the wagon was ready to go. It was then that Joe asked his father if he would mind if he rode the bay mare to town. Joe was wanting to be on a horse again and saw this as a good time to try. Ben’s first thoughts were of fear that Joe would try to run away, but as he looked at his son, he did not see the panic that had been there previously. Ben agreed, but was glad the wagon was going along also in case it hurt Joe too bad to sit a horse.

After Joe saddled the bay mare, and Kenny packed up her few things, the three headed to town. Kenny told them there was something she had to take care of before she left on the stage, and she would need about an hour in town alone. Once in town, Joe and his father found themselves with time to waste as Kenny ran her errand. The stage depot was located diagonal to the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon, and both Ben and Joe’s eyes were drawn to it. Joe felt his heart beat faster as he then turned to see his father also looking towards the bar. Ben knew the moment was awkward, and as he looked back at his son he saw Joe was uncomfortable. He put his arm around his son’s shoulder and casually said, “Hey how ‘bout a drink or a game of cards?”

Joe’s eyes widened as he looked at his father with disbelief. He thought to himself, “After everything that has happened, Pa is actually suggesting we go over to the saloon?” As he stood in shock, he saw a big grin come across his father’s face. Joe realized then that his father was kidding. He gave his father a smile and said, “Probably not a good idea, Pa.”

Ben and Joe ended up sitting in front of the depot waiting for Kenny’s return. The stage had already arrived from San Francisco and was loaded down for the next leg of its journey east. Kenny returned from her errand with time to spare. She walked up to the two men and spoke, “Mr. Cartwright, Joe, is there somewhere we could go for just a few minutes before I need to get on that stage? There is something I want to give you, Joe.”

Both Ben and Joe were curious as to what Kenny’s errand had been. She had been secretive about where she was going and let them know that she had not wanted company when she went. Ben said, “Certainly. Here, there is a café just up the street. I’ll buy us all a cup of coffee and you can do whatever it is you want to do there.”

As the three headed down the street Kenny’s heart was heavy. She did not want to leave them, but she hoped what she was going to give Joe would help her to feel better about what had transpired in the saloon, as well as give Joe a gift that would help him heal.

They entered the café and sat down. The each ordered a cup of coffee, then Kenny took a deep breath and began, “Joe, I know you told me that I was forgiven for what I did to you here, and I did not need to make amends, but I feel I need to for myself.”

Joe tried to interrupt her, but Kenny held him off, “No Joe, just listen. Shelby and me made quite a bit of money doing what we did in the saloon. I don’t feel right keeping it anymore. It’s dirty money and was made off of using people. Well, I thought and thought yesterday after I made my decision to go home about what I wanted to do with the money. I made a decision and here. I want you to have this.”

With that Kenny handed Joe what looked like a legal document. He asked her, “What is this?”

“Read it, silly.” She said with tears in her eyes.

Joe looked down and read the document. His eyes too welled with tears as her read. He was momentarily speechless. After gathering himself, he said to her, “Kenny, I don’t know what to say. This is so, uh… I am just, uh… Kendall, thank you.”

Both Kenny and Joe stood, and he hugged her tight. Ben watched the two embrace, but he no idea what the paper Kenny had given Joe contained. He looked down on the table and read the document.

TO THE SACRAMENTO HOME FOR ORPHANS

A SUM OF $15,000 GIVEN IN LOVING MEMORY OF

REBECCA LARSON

MAY IT PROTECT THE INNOCENTS AND HELP SHOW THEM LOVE

Ben also found his eyes filling with tears. This had been a remarkable gesture. He was so touched by the woman’s kindness. This would allow Rebecca’s memory to go on.

Joe and Kenny ended their hug and both wiped their eyes. Joe looked again at the document he had been given and thought, “Bec, you’d really like this. I’m glad your name is gonna be somewhere that can help people. It will sure help a lot a kids, and maybe they’ll go on rememberin’ you too.”

Ben, Kenny and Joe walked quietly to the depot. Once there, it was obvious the driver was loading the stage and was getting the passengers ready to depart. Kenny stopped and turned towards Joe and his father. “Well this is it. I am going to be back in Ohio in a couple of weeks. I again want to tell you Joe, I am so glad I met you. And Mr. Cartwright, I want to thank you for your willingness to not press charges against me.”

Ben stepped forward and gave Kenny a hug. “Miss Mac Masters, it is I who thank you. I don’t know what we would have done if you had not followed us out of town to the cabin.”

“I’m so glad I did.” Kenny said as her eyes then move to Joe. Joe and Kenny stood looking at each other a moment with neither speaking. Kenny thought to herself, “Oh how do I do this?” She said, “Come here.” as she stretched out her arms.

Joe stepped forward and the two again embraced. Kenny closed her eyes to firmly implant the feeling of him in her mind. She felt his arms around her and breathed deeply to take in his smell. She never wanted the embrace to end, but it did and Joe pulled away.

Joe had tears running down his cheek as he pulled away. He said quietly, “Thank you Kenny, for everything. If there is ever anything you need please write and let me know.”

With those words Kenny realized she would have no way of contacting Joe again. She had known he had resisted returning to his home, and she worried she would never know where he was or how it all turned out for him. “But Joe, how can I reach you?”

“Kenny, you can reach me the same place you reached my Pa when you told him I was here. I’ll get it if you send it there.”

Ben heard what Joe had said, but was unsure what he had meant by it. He decided to wait to ask his son later.

Joe helped Kenny aboard the stage and gave her bag to the driver. He stood looking at her and waved as the stage started to pull away. He watched it move down the street and around the corner. He remained fixed for a moment as he knew what it was he had to say to his father. He had watched Kenny go towards her new life, and he knew he had to return to his. Sacramento was over, it was time to go home. He turned to his father and looked him in the eye. He said in a voice much more confident than he felt, “Pa, I’m ready. It’s time to go home.”

Ben heard his child’s words, and his heart soared. Joe had said it. He wanted to go home. Ben grabbed Joe and pulled him close. “Oh son, I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. We can leave whenever you say.”

As Joe moved back from his father’s hug he saw his father was crying. “Well Pa, now’s just as good a time as any I guess.”

Ben was so elated at what he heard. He smiled big at his son and held on tight to him. “I think we need to wire Adam and Hoss, go back to the cabin and pack up, and then head home.”

“Sure Pa. Let’s do it.” Joe said trying to smile. He hoped he could be as brave as he needed to be. He felt his father’s hold on him and it was comforting. He would draw strength form his father.

**************************

The wire arrived in Virginia City in the late afternoon. A hand from the Ponderosa was there to pick up the mail and grabbed the telegraph as well. It went in with rest of the mail and was brought back with the hand upon his return.

Adam and Hoss trotted into the yard of the Ponderosa. Both pulled up their horses and could not believe the sight before them. There stood Cochise quietly grazing on Hop Sing’s herb garden. The brothers looked at each other, and then back at the paint. Cochise had come home all by herself. Adam and Hoss used soft tones as they spoke to each other, so as to not spook the head strong animal. Hoss finally walked over and opened the barn door. Cochise immediately headed inside and stopped in her stall. She was jumpy and moved nervously in her stall, but she was home.

After tending to all of the horses, Adam and Hoss retired inside the big house. Neither could believe the pony had come home after all of the chasing they had done. Upon entering the house they were immediately greeted by Hop Sing. He was going on and on in Cantonese, all the while holding a paper in his hand. Adam took the paper and saw it was a telegram.

ADAM(stop)

LEAVING SACRAMENTO (stop) ARRIVE RANCH IN THREE/FOUR DAYS.

PA (stop)

Adam read the short note and breathed a sigh of relief. He handed it to Hoss who let out a whoop. The family was being restored and both men said a prayer of thanks.

It was Hoss who then said, “You know Adam. That is the strangest thing, Cochise comin’ home like that. But I ain’t gonna complain, cause she gave us fits runnin’ after her. I noticed she’s all a mess. She’s missin’ a couple a shoes and looks all shaggy and mussed. She needs her mane and tail pulled, so she looks right sharp. Think I’ll get that little pony already for Joe to come back. What ya think?”

“Hoss, Joe’ll love it.” Adam said, patting his younger, yet bigger brother on the shoulder.

**************************

Ben and Joe rode back to the cabin, packed their possessions and headed east, towards the Ponderosa. Ben made a deliberate choice to make the ride back to the Ponderosa slow so that he and Joe could continue to talk. He knew Joe was nervous, and he wanted to do what he could to talk Joe through his fears. He also knew that, although Joe’s leg was much stronger, it still was injured and sitting a horse could be uncomfortable for his son.

As they rode, Joe’s mind reviewed the conversations of the past few weeks once more. He ran them over and over and drew greater insights with each review. He occasionally would look at his father when his father was not looking at him, and would wonder how much more there was to share between them in the future. He realized he was learning who his father was as a man. He knew he loved his father, and saw that he also liked the man. Joe was amazed the change that had happened between himself and his father. Although he tended to view it as his father who had changed towards him, eventually Joe would eventually realize he had changed as well.

The two men camped out at night and would sit talking about their home, their family and their lives. Joe would become nervous before they talked, but found himself relaxing and enjoying his father’s presence. The night would creep upon the two, and they would settle in to sleep. Both would sleep in a makeshift bed from their overturned saddles and try to make themselves as comfortable as possible. Ben slept next to Joe as he had done so often the past weeks, but he noticed Joe slept without the nightmares intruding. He saw this as a blessing for his son.

It was the third morning on the trail, and Joe was returning from a watering hole they had found the previous night. He had his shirt thrown over his shoulder, and his hair was dripping wet. He shook his head violently to remove the excess water. Ben sat watching his son and smiled. He thought of how many times before on the trail he had seen Joe perform this maneuver after wetting his head. He noticed when Joe stopped his natural method of drying his hair, how long his son’s hair had become.

When Ben had first arrived in Sacramento he had been struck with Joe’s appearance, but over the weeks, he had almost grown accustomed to Joe’s long hair. Not that he would tell his son of his acceptance. He knew that to have Joe show up at home the way he currently looked would not be the best for Joe. His son needed to rejoin his old life and return to his former self. He needed to become Joseph Cartwright once again.

Joe was sitting running his hands through his hair putting it back in place when Ben decided to broach the topic. “Son, we hit Placerville early today, and I want you to get a haircut there.”

Joe looked up at his father and said, “Awe Pa, I kinda like it like this. You sure I just can’t keep it this way?”

“Joseph, how many times do I have to tell you? No son of mine is going to run the streets of Virginia City looking like a…”

“Riverboat gambler.” Joe interrupted and smiled. He knew that phrase would have a different meaning between him and his father from then on. “Well, I was just kinda hopin’ you wouldn’t notice, or you’d forget or somethin’. I’ve gotten kinda used to it like this.’

“Well you may have, but I haven’t, and it would shock Hoss and Adam to no end. They’d probably think I brought home the wrong person.”

With the mention of Hoss and Adam, Joe became nervous. He had been wanting to ask his father a question, but was concerned about the response he would get. He decided to just blurt it out. “Pa, what are you gonna tell them about me, and what happened and all?”

Ben had been thinking over this as well. He knew his youngest would have great difficulty facing his brothers, and he wanted to make it easier for him. “What would you want me to tell them?”

“Well, I know you have to tell them stuff, and they will ask questions and all, but I uh… I just don’t know if I uh…”

Ben stepped in to help, “Joe, I don’t have to tell them anything. You forget I’m the father. Tell you what. I think what needs to happen is that you tell them what you’re comfortable with. I’ll say nothing other than that we were delayed because of your leg injury, and also that you needed some time before you came home to deal with your grief. How’s that?”

Joe looked at his father with sheer amazement. He started to tear up as he asked, “Pa, you’d do that for me? You wouldn’t tell them about the rest?”

“Yes son, I would. Contrary to what you think, I have lots of secrets about each of you boys, and I have no need to share them.”

“Really? You’d not tell them even if they asked?”

“Yes son, that’s what I mean.”

“Thanks, Pa.” Joe said, and hugged his father tight.

“Joseph, you’re gonna be okay, son. It’s all gonna be okay. Hoss and Adam love you so much, and they just want you home. That’ll make them okay with everything.”

“But Pa, what I did… I don’t want them to know. I hate it that you know, Pa. It really bothers me.”

Ben broke from their embrace and held his son by the shoulders. Joe’s head was down, and Ben saw the shame on his son’s face. “Joseph, look at me.”

Joe lifted his head, and Ben saw he was crying. He wanted to comfort his child. “Son, it’s over. It’s all over, and you’re with me, and you’re coming home, and that’s all that matters now. I understand what you did, Joseph. I’m very sorry you went through what you did. I just ask you to make me a promise right here. Joe, promise me you’ll try to talk to me in the future. I know you’ll have difficulty, and I know we’ll go through a lot more together, but promise me you’ll try. Promise me you’ll not just give up on me before you try. Can you do that son?”

“Yeah Pa, I’ll try. And I promise you something else, Pa. I promise that I’ll try and be better as a son.”

“Oh Joe, no, no, you’re just the way I want you as my son. You do that part just right. I think I need you to be just the way you are, Joseph. Any other way and I would feel as if something was missing.”

Joe said through his tears, “I love you, Pa.”

Ben grabbed him close and said, “Oh Joseph, I have never doubted that one minute. I am truly very blessed with your love, son.”

**************************

Ben and Joe arrived in Placerville, and at the same time Joe was visiting the local barber, Hoss was struggling to groom Cochise. The horse had again tasted the wild and was reluctant to submit to being reshod and groomed. Her master knew of the discomfort and was cringing as the barber cut off the hair that had grown to rest on his shoulders. As the barber worked, Ben saw his son return in appearance. Joe lost several years as the hair was trimmed, and his face shown through. Ben paid extra for Joe to have a close shave, and when the barber finished he saw his youngest son standing before him, looking younger than his given age.

“Much better.” Ben commented as the two left the barber.

Joe ran his hands through his shorn hair and sighed. He replaced his hat and said, “Well my hat fits better I guess.”

Ben chuckled and slapped his son on the back. He was anxious to get back in the saddle. They would have one more night on the trail and then would hit Ponderosa land early the next day. Joe would then be home, and the nightmare would be closer to being over.

**************************

As the two made camp that evening, Joe was very quiet, but his mind ran through many thoughts and he felt heavy with emotion. Ben noticed Joe had moved from a more light temperament to very pensive with every step the horses took towards the Ponderosa after leaving Placerville. Ben finally asked, “What is it, son? What has got you troubled?”

“I uh, I’ve been thinking about Rebecca s’all. She’s on my mind.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Joe hesitated. He asked himself, “What is there really to say?” He looked at his father and said, “Pa, you know I really loved her? I think of her, and I just remember so much. I remember she and me in town and at the house. You know I even miss her folks. They were so good to me. I really don’t like what I said to them when they came to the ranch. Rebecca would have gotten all over me about that. She always told me I said stuff before I thought about it. I was mean to them, and they’re her folks. I wish I hadn’t said what I did.”

“Son, they understood. They really did. They knew how bad you were hurting and how much you loved Rebecca.”

“But Pa, I have to make it right with them. I know Rebecca would be standin’ there with her hands on her hips sayin’ somethin’ like, Joe you did it again. You just went talkin’ and not thinkin’ and you need to say you’re sorry. You know she did that a couple times in school? I hated it cause she was right, and I ended up havin’ to say I was sorry.”

“Rebecca was wonderful. You were so right in choosing her. She loved you very much you know. And boy did she know you well. I talked with her the night of your engagement party, and she really knew and loved you, Joe. You were blessed with knowing true love. I just wanted it to turn out right for you son. I wanted it for both of you.”

“Yeah, I know that, Pa. You were so great to me during that time.” Joe said, but then he grew more quiet. He had thought of something as he had ridden and decided to ask his father. “Uh Pa, would you have a problem with me going to see the Larson’s by myself before I go home. I feel I need to do it before I go home, but I gotta do it by myself, Pa. I gotta talk to them.”

Ben thought of Joe’s request. It would require him to trust his youngest to be alone and ride into Virginia City. He felt he had to trust his child and said, “Sure Joe. We’ll split off at the crossing, and you go to town, and I’ll go on to the ranch. But you sure you want to do this by yourself? You don’t have to you know?”

“Pa, I promise you, I’ll be home as soon as I see the Larson’s and I uh… I talk to uh… I see Rebecca a minute.”

Ben felt so sad for his child and knew it was a pain Joe had to come to grips with himself. He said, “That’ll be fine, Joe, but I want you to know holding off your brothers and Hop Sing is going to be difficult. They may want to ride on in to town and get you.”

Joe forced a smile, and Ben began to worry once more. Joe had come so far and now he seemed to be regressing again. Ben wondered if he had been too hasty in listening to his son and in bringing him home too quickly. He prayed the talks and love that had passed between the two would sustain his child.

Joe remained relatively quiet through the evening. Night fell and Joe turned in early. He slept quietly for a hours, and then, the nightmare came.

Joe was in the middle of Virginia City, standing in the Town Square. It looked like a courtroom, set up with a judge’s bench in front of him. As he looked around, there were seats filled with his family’s friends from town. He saw the jury escorted into the jury box and noticed he knew them. It consisted of Maggie and John Larson and his own brothers Adam and Hoss. He looked towards them and tried to catch their eye and smile at them. They had a serious look on their faces and looked towards the Judge’s bench. As he moved his gaze towards the bench, he saw the judge. It was Shelby Butler. He took his seat in front of Joe and glared at him. Joe looked to his left and saw it was his father defending him. He felt relieved. He looked over to where the Territory’s representative should be, and again there stood Shelby. Shelby was the prosecuting attorney and the judge. Joe felt afraid and turned to his father. His father took him by the arm and reassured him. He felt the fear leave. Then he heard, “The Territory of Nevada calls the defendant, Joseph Cartwright.”

Joe took the witness stand and placed his hand upon the Bible. He swore to tell the truth and then the questioning began.

“Mr. Uh, Little Joe, is it true you are really not a Cartwright?” the prosecutor asked.

“No I’m a Cartwright.” Joe responded.

“But not really are you, Joe? You’re not like them. You’re not really made up of the same things. You’re weak, aren’t you? You’re a murderer”

“No, I’m not!” Joe tried to defend himself.

“Oh, but Joe you are. See, these people know you’re a drunk. They know you have to rely on medicines. They know you’re a murderer. They will testify to this. Look at you Joe, you have her blood on you. Look!”

Joe looked down and saw his shirt was crimson. He was confused as to how the blood got on his shirt. He looked at the jury box. Maggie Larson stood and pointed at him. “You killed her! Everyone, he killed her, and then he ran away!”

Shelby returned to testify against Joe once more. “He has brought shame on his family. He is a drunkard. He is a waste of life.”

Joe looked at his brothers, relieved they were on the jury. Hoss and Adam were talking between themselves and they finally turned and looked at him. Joe called out, “Hoss, Adam, I wanna come home. I wanna be with you again.”

Hoss stood and said, “You’re not my brother. You make us all ashamed, Joe. I don’t want you home.”

Joe recoiled from the revelation, but Adam then stood, “Joe, you should have listened to me, but you didn’t, and now look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done! You’ve ruined our name. You killed your girl and these people know it!”

The crowd cheered as they heard the accusation. Joe began to scan the audience looking for anyone sympathetic to his case. There was no one. He looked to his attorney; his father. He yelled, “No, Pa! Tell them! You said it was okay!”

Ben looked at his son and shook his head no. He said, “Look Joe. I never saw the blood before. I never would have helped you if I had seen the blood. You are not my son!

“NO PA! NO!” YOU CAN”T LEAVE ME, PA! DON’T BELIEVE IT! PAPA! DON’T LEAVE ME!”

Joe heard the Judge pronouncing him guilty and felt the rough hands of the deputies taking him away…

“NO! NO!” Joe screamed as his father tried to wake him. Joe was thrashing about, and it was very difficult to bring him back from the dream. Ben wrestled with him until he heard Joe’s groggy voice say, “Papa, don’t believe them.” As he simultaneously opened his eyes.

“You’re okay, son. It’s just a bad dream.” Ben comforted as he gathered his son into his arms.

“Huh? Uh, oh geez! Uh, yeah. I uh, geez!” Joe said disoriented.

Ben could tell Joe was having a hard time shaking off the dream. He held tight to his father and his breathing remained rapid. “It was just a dream, Joe. I’m here, son. You need to just wake up and look at me.”

Joe listened to his father and made himself focus on the man who had helped him through so many hurts and fears. “Oh Pa, that was a bad one, Real bad. I don’t want that one again!”

“Wanna talk about it?” Ben offered, hoping Joe would be open. Joe looked at him and thought about it. He decided to risk it. He told his father the dream. Ben realized how scared Joe was as the contents of the dream was revealed, and Joe began to shake. Ben listened quietly and then said, “Son, you’re doubting our love. You don’t need to do that.”

Joe simply looked at his father and could not stop the shaking. He wanted to believe his father, but he was so very afraid. The ‘what ifs’ played heavy on his mind. Joe said nothing after he recounted his dream. Ben held him and talked to him, trying to calm his fears. Joe feared the day he would have to see his love’s parents and then see his brothers. He was not sure he could do it, and his dream scared him. He looked at his father and saw his strength. It made him calm. He started to say over and over to himself, “It was a dream. Pa’s here. He’s here . Pa’s gonna be here, and I’ll be okay.”

Eventually father and son fell asleep. Ben woke to a sharp pain in his back, although it was still dark out. He shifted and realized he was holding fast to his son, and Joe was holding on to him. He thought of what had lead them to that scene and remembered the nightmare Joe had shared. The nightmare scared Ben more than he would let Joe know, nor did it scare him for the same reasons it had scared Joseph. It scared Ben because he worried about Joe going off to see the Larson’s by himself. He truly believed Joe was not strong enough to do it alone and worried about the repercussions of his agreement to let Joe go. He wondered if he should change his mind and tell Joe he would accompany him to the Larson’s. He then looked at Joe’s sleeping face, and saw a young man who he knew in so many ways, and in other ways he had much to learn.

The dream his son had experienced told Ben that Joe needed his father’s faith and trust. Ben had to let that be the most important factor in his decision, although he was very wary of letting his son leave his presence. He sat praying for his son and his decision as the sun rose and Joe eventually woke.

**************************

The men hit Ponderosa land early and neither spoke much. Joe focused on keeping the nightmare out of his head and Ben focused on trying not to blurt out to Joe that he would go with him to town. They hit the crossing and pulled up their horses. Joe momentarily thought of asking his father to go with him, but did not want to disappoint him by seeming to be weak. He said, “Well Pa. I’ll cut off here and meet you at home. I’ll see the Larson’s and then spend some time at the cemetery. I’ll not be long.”

Ben wanted to say, “Joseph I am going with you and I’ll have no discussion about it.” but he said, “That’ll be fine, son. Just come home as soon as you can.”

“I will, Pa. Bye.” And with that, Joe kicked the bay mare hard and was off in a gallop.

Ben sat on Buck watching Joe ride away. He prayed this would not be his final memory of his son. Ben said quietly to his son’s fleeting figure, “Son, I love you. Come home to us, please.”

**************************

Adam and Hoss were in the barn stacking hay. They had wanted to stay near the ranch house because Joe and their father were due back anytime, and they wanted to be present when they rode up. They heard the approach of a horse and ran out into the yard. There was their father, but Joe was not with him. Both men quickly approached their father and talked over each other as they asked about Joe.

Ben responded to their questions, "Calm down. Calm down. Joe’s coming. He went to town for a little while to see the Larsons, and go to the cemetery, and then he’ll be here."

Hoss’s face looked devastated, "Pa, you mean he’d go there before comin’ home to us?"

"Oh son, it’s not like that. It’s something he had to do so he could come home to us." Ben tried to comfort his middle child.

He prayed what he said was indeed the case. Ben put his arms around his boys so grateful to see them. He thought back to Joe’s revelations of the hurt and pain that had occurred in their lives, and he knew he would be doing a lot of talking with all of his boys to make sure their hurts were cared for. "Come on let’s get in the house. I’ve missed this place."

Adam and Hoss exchanged looks with each other. Adam had noticed his father looked exhausted. Both men wondered what had happened while Ben had been gone. They walked with their father into the house and were greeted by Hop Sing. The cook’s face went from a broad smile to a scowl in a matter of seconds as Joe did not appear before him. "Where Little Joe? You not bring home?"

"No, no Hop Sing he’s on his way. He had to take care of something first." Ben answered.

"You no should come back without Joe. You bring him home." Hop Sing barked back.

"Everyone calm down!" Ben said a little too forceful. Their concern was making him more nervous. He told himself he had to reassure them that Joe would return shortly. He hoped they could not read his thoughts. "Joe has had a lot of grieving to do, and he wanted to go and see Rebecca’s folks. He’s just fine and will be here soon."

"Uh Pa, is he really okay?" Adam asked seeing his father’s face showing some concern.

"Let’s sit down and talk." Ben said, motioning his boys to the sitting area.

Hoss, Adam and even Hop Sing moved over and sat, waiting to hear how Joe was doing. Ben cleared his throat and began, "You all saw how Joe was when he left here. Well he’s much better now. That’s the important thing. He ran away because he felt he could not handle his hurt, and he tried to make a life in Sacramento. He re-injured his leg and ended up unable to travel for a while. He also was very afraid to come home because of his memories of Rebecca. When I found him he was very, uh, very upset still about Rebecca, and I had to wait until he was ready to come back home."

Hoss started firing questions, "But Pa, what was he doing there? How did he hurt himself again? Is his leg okay?"

"Hoss, Joe’s leg is much better, and I think it will be fine." Ben tried to tell his son what he wanted to know without telling him what Joe did not want known. He was finding it difficult.

Adam watched his father and could tell he was holding back. "Pa, what are you not telling us?"

Ben’s heart skipped. He was not doing a good job of explaining. "Listen boys, Joe doesn’t need you asking a lot of questions. He’s still skittish and really needs to know how much we all love him. He has had a very tough time handling all of this, and he is hurting. He needs us to be supportive and understanding. I’m asking you to not question him, just accept him back and love him. That will help him the most."

Both Hoss and Adam looked at their father a moment and realized no more would be coming regarding what had happened to Joe while he was gone from them. Adam thought he knew what his father was doing and accepted it. He knew his father had done similar things to protect him before. His father had kept some things from Hoss and Joe regarding some of his own experiences and began to realize this was what he was doing about Joe’s time in Sacramento. He would respect his little brother’s privacy.

"Well boys, Joe will be home soon so lets get some work done before that so we can spend the rest of the time with him." Ben encouraged. He knew he would need to keep himself busy in order to calm his own anxiety.

**************************

Joe rode into Virginia City and up to the house he had visited so many times before. He dismounted and stood looking at the front porch unable to move forward. For a moment he flashed to sitting on the porch talking to Rebecca. It made him sad, so he pushed the memory away. He held on to the hitching post as the front door opened. It was Rebecca’s mother.

"Joe? Little Joe? Is that really you?" Maggie Larson called out and ran towards him. She grabbed hold of him and hugged him tight. "I heard a horse approach and looked out. I can’t believe it’s you! We were so worried."

Joe was shocked by Mrs. Larson’s greeting. It was not his nightmare at all. He had been standing stiff as Mrs. Larson hugged him, but started to let himself relax. Mrs. Larson continued, "Come on in here. I’ve got some coffee and I just wanna talk to you for a while. John’s home as well. He’s just gonna be thrilled to see you."

Joe allowed Mrs. Larson to escort him into the house. He removed his hat as he crossed the threshold and entered the familiar parlor. He looked around and felt his heart ache. Rebecca was everywhere in that room. He wanted to cry, but held back the tears. Mrs. Larson motioned for him to sit and he did. Mr. Larson entered the room and seeing Joe standing before him smiled big and gave him a hug. "Son, it’s so good to see you! I’m so glad you came to see us. Where have you been?"

"Uh, I just had to get away for awhile." Joe said feeling awkward.

"We’re very happy you’re back, Joe. We were all so worried." Maggie stated as she poured coffee for everyone.

"I’m sorry I upset everyone. It’s just that it was really hard to, uh stay and, uh think about, her. I really miss her." Joe said and was unable to hold back the tears.

Mrs. Larson moved over next to him on the couch and hugged him. "Oh honey, I know. I know. I think of her every day. I know how bad it hurts."

Mr. Larson sat looking on as the tears formed in his eyes as well. He knew of the pain and had found himself crying off and on every day since he had lost his daughter. He looked at the young man who had loved his Rebecca and knew his daughter had been truly happy before her death. He was thankful she had known love.

Joe and Mrs. Larson sat crying together. She gave him the comfort only a mother can give and Joe was free to let go and weep. Finally Joe pulled back, closed his eyes and pulled himself together. He said, "Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Larson, that day you came to the ranch. I’m sorry I said what I did to you. I know it wasn’t right."

"Oh son, you haven’t worried about that have you?" John asked. "We understood and didn’t blame you at all. We if anyone know how you felt."

"Well it wasn’t right what I said and I am sorry. Bec would’ve…" Joe stopped unsure if he should talk about her.

"What Joe? Bec would’ve what?" Maggie encouraged.

"Uh, well she would’ve been mad at me for that."

Maggie smiled as she thought of her daughter reprimanding Joe. They had been so good together. "Well I happen to know Rebecca would have understood. She loved you so much, Joe. Oh, by the way, there is something here I’ve been wanting to give you. Let me go get it."

As Maggie went to retrieve the gift, Joe looked at Mr. Larson and spoke, "Mr. Larson I want you to know I’ll take good care of Marc Antony for Rebecca. I know she loved that horse and I didn’t mean to tell you to shoot him."

"Well you just take good care of him, and Rebecca will be very happy. You know, the night you proposed and gave that horse to her? After you two came back from the dance and you left, she spent half the night in the barn talking to that horse. I had to threaten her with not being allowed to ride him if she didn’t get in the house."

Joe smiled at what he had heard. He was so happy that she had liked the horse and enjoyed hearing about what she had done after he had left that night. "I uh really liked givin’ him to her."

Before Mr. Larson could respond, Maggie reentered the room. She walked over and sat next to Joe once more. Maggie said with tears, "Joe, she would want you to have this." She handed him a small book with a lock on it. Joe looked at it knowing instantly what it was. It was Rebecca’s diary.

"You want me to have this?" Joe was shocked.

"Yes, I do and I know she would want that. After all, my guess is it is all about you anyway."

"I, I don’t know what to say. Thank you. Are you sure you don’t want it?"

"No Joe. The things written in there belong to the one she loved. It’s yours."

"I’ll take really good care of it." Joe said holding it close and feeling the tears again.

"I know you will. You took such good care of her. You were perfect for her and I’m very sorry I don’t get to have you as a son. Joe, I’d like for you to come see us every once in a while. I love to talk about Rebecca, and I’d like to be able to do that with you sometimes."

Joe realized it felt good to be there with Rebecca’s parents. It hurt, but then again he could talk about her and hear about her life. He knew he needed to spend time with them to help himself heal. "I think I’d like that too."

Joe stayed and talked a while longer, but found himself anxious to look through the diary. He eventually said his good byes and headed out of town towards the cemetery.

As he rode he opened the diary and saw Rebecca’s handwriting. Her writing was delicate and he ran his finger over it wanting to feel her words. The inside of the front cover had her name written in cursive. He saw as he looked through the diary the handwriting changed from that of a child’s to a more mature script. He smiled. He turned to a random page and read. From the date of the entry Rebecca would have been sixteen.

Dear Diary,

He has no idea I even exist as anything other than his friend. What do I have to do? I tried to tell him how I felt but all he wanted to do was talk to Richard about Sarah. Boy sometimes I have no idea why I love him so much.

Joe smiled as he read because he could hear her speak to him. He continued to flip through the book finding entries that caught his eye. His eyes landed on a very early entry from a young Rebecca.

Dear Diary,

Today we played pirates. At first they weren’t gonna let me play cause I’m a girl, but I shoved David down real hard and told all of them I thought they were mean. Joe said I could play, but I had to be the cook. I told him he could just go soak his head. He said I could be a pirate too and we played and played all day long. It was fun. I hope we play again.

He thought of those times they had played pirates and sat daydreaming as his horse slowly walked down the road. It had been so fun to play for hours with his friends and pirates was his favorite scenario. He could spend hours playing and dreaming of different episodes from the pirate stories he had read about.

He turned to another entry.

Dear Diary,

Joe came over today and he said it! I LOVE YOU! He said it! And he kissed me again. I can’t believe it! He actually loves me. Oh diary, I have loved him for so long, and I never thought he would feel the same! He kisses so wonderfully! He’s so handsome, and I just love him so much I could just scream. I can’t wait to see him again. I hope he’ll kiss me many, many more times. Oh how am I ever gonna sleep tonight? I wonder what he’s doing right now!

As Joe read, he felt himself first laughing at what Rebecca had written, and then he felt sad once more. The day he had told her he had loved her had started the happiest time in his life. His mind went to how it had ended, and he wiped away a tear.

Joe looked up and realized as he had been reading his horse had almost passed the cemetery road. He closed the book and kicked the horse into a gallop down the short road to the cemetery. He dismounted and walked once more over to Rebecca’s grave. He reread the headstone and then sat in front of it. He opened the diary once more and began to read. He felt so close to her as he sat reading. He smiled at times and once in a while laughed out loud at Rebecca’s entries. He saw his name on the pages throughout and realized how long Rebecca had loved him.

He read the first entry.

Dear Diary,

Pa has moved us to this place and I hate it. It’s just awful. I like our old house better. I have to go to school tomorrow. I bet there is no one nice there. I hate it here.

He continued to read through and found an account of his time with Rebecca documented on the pages. She had written about so many things they had shared.

Dear Diary,

I went to the Harvest dance and danced with David a couple of times. He kept stepping on my feet and now they hurt. Joe showed up with his brothers and he danced with I think every girl there but me. He even danced with Glory Swain, that fat cow.

Dear Diary,

I am really mad right now. Joe has just made me so mad I can’t stand it. He sits and tells me he is going to be gone for a month on a cattle drive and it is during my birthday. Oh I hate cows and Joe being gone. He is the one I wanted most at my party. Will he ever figure it out?

Joe laughed out loud as he read Rebecca’s entries and realized he had no idea how she had felt for so long. She had been good at hiding her feelings from him. He wished she had not hid them so well. He wished for all the times he was reading about back once more.

As Joe went through reading the diary, he found an entry that touched him deeply and he knew he had truly gotten to hear from Rebecca.

Dear Diary,

I just got back from the Cartwright’s, and I have never been so afraid in my whole life. Joe was attacked by some crazy woman and hurt real bad. I was so glad I got there in time to shoot the woman, but he was hurt bad. I was so scared when I took him back to the ranch. I really thought he was going to die. He was bleeding so bad. I told him I loved him then. I have no idea what I would do if I lost him. I know I want him to love me the way I love him, but I realized something today. I realized that I just want him alive and my friend, even if I could have nothing else. I got so scared at losing him. What would I do? I’ve gotten so used to having him around and being my friend. I know I will ALWAYS love him, but now I know I can be happy with just that. I just want him happy and alive. If that is all I can have it is enough.

Joe read the entry over and over, as the tears flowed. He looked at the headstone as if to look at her. He said aloud, "Rebecca, I love you. I love you so much. I needed this, and it is like you knew. You always knew ‘bout me. I would give anything, everything to have you with me. I want you to know that. If I could choose, I want you to know it wouldn’t take any thinkin’ at all. I’d just scoop you up in my arms and never let you go. You’ll always be in my heart. You are my Bec, and there will be no other like you… Rebecca, I’ll do it. I’ll go on, and I’ll make you proud of me. But I want you to know I will treasure my time with you forever. I’ll never forget us and I’ll never lose you completely. Thank you for your words."

Joe sat a while longer and as he reached the end of the diary, he saw there were some blank pages in the back. The final entry in the diary read…

Dear Diary,

The wedding is getting closer and I can’t wait! I am so excited to be Joe’s wife. I have so much to do, and Joe has been so sweet about the whole thing. He has been spoiling me rotten, and I admit I like it, but I am going to be right beside him making our home and family. I want to help him with everything. I can’t wait for our own place and to have our own family. I will get to have him all to myself! It has gotten harder and harder to say good bye every time at the end of being together. I hope I can make him happy in every way. I’m kind of nervous about some of that but I know Joe will help me with every thing. He is such a good man. I cannot wait!

Joe stood and walked over to his horse. He opened his saddlebag and dug around in it. He pulled out a pen and some ink and walked back over to Rebecca’s grave. He sat down, opened the diary to the back and started writing. He sat for over an hour as the words poured from him, and he wrote to his Rebecca. He let himself cry as he talked to her. After Joe finished writing, he tore the pages from the diary. He then dug down deep into the ground over Rebecca’s grave and placed the pages in the hole. He covered pages with dirt and patted the ground down firm.

Joe then ran his hands over the headstone. He knew he wished there was some acknowledgment that he had loved her on the stone, but it was more important that Rebecca knew he loved her and it was evident from her diary she had known. That was really all he had needed.

Although he was reluctant to leave, he knew he had to return home. He eventually stood, walked to his horse and mounted. He looked once more at the headstone and then turned and rode towards home.

**************************

Ben was trying not to pace back and forth. He grew more nervous as each minute passed and there were no hoof beats. He tried to hide his worries from his sons and Hop Sing but he was finding it difficult. After the work around the ranch house had finished, Hoss had stayed outside and was meticulously grooming Cochise. Adam had moved over to his favorite chair and was pretending to read. He had actually read the same paragraph numerous times as he periodically looked up at his father. He saw the worry on his father’s face and wondered if there was a chance Joe was not coming home to them. As the time passed Adam too began to worry. He did not know what exactly was going on, but he knew it had been quite a while since his father had ridden into the yard and still there was no sign of his little brother.

Hop Sing busied himself in the kitchen. He wanted a feast for his family when Joe returned. He worked hard at preparing the dinner and making sure he had cookies baking in the oven. He could not have the youngest Cartwright returning home without his favorite dessert. As Hop Sing worked, he too looked out the window often wondering what was keeping Little Joe. He knew he would not be truly happy until he could dote over Joe, making him comfortable. He knew he was doing his job well when Joe would fuss and tell him he was bothering him. Joe’s fussing always made Hop Sing’s heart happy. It meant the boy was happy and content.

Ben could finally stand it no longer and he headed out to the barn. He thought of saddling Buck and heading into town. He saw Hoss rubbing Cochise and the gleam that rose from her coat. He smiled at how lovingly his son tended his brother’s horse. "Hoss, Cochise looks beautiful. You really have kept her up nice. Joe will be so happy to see her looking so well."

"Awe Pa. I’m just gettin’ her the way Joe always keeps her." Hoss said.

"Well she looks great, and Joe will be very happy." Ben replied. He walked over to the back of the barn and looked at the road to the Ponderosa. He held his breath. On the road was Joseph, his horse stopped. Joe had the horse standing perpendicular to the road and his head was down. Ben wanted to panic. He saw his son so close, but he worried that Joe was not going to turn the horse towards the house. He watched and thought, "Come on, Joe. Come on, son. Come home. We are all ready. Just turn the horse and head home."

Joe was waiting to reread the diary once more before he rode the final steps to the house. He loved the words on the page and had started to reread as soon as he had begun his ride back home. He let himself smile, laugh and cry. He loved her words as he had loved her and knew this book would remain forever special. He finished and turned the horse towards home. He was returning to his former life and the people who loved him. He prayed his father had kept his word and kept his secret. If he had not, Joe was not sure what he was riding into. He was ready to face what he had to, but prayed it was open arms.

Ben saw Joe turn his horse towards the house and quickly left the barn. He did not want his son knowing he had doubted him at all. He wanted Joe to be able to hold his head up and experience the love of his family.

The hoof beats were heard by Hoss in the barn, and Ben had no more reached to close the house door when he heard Joe arrive. Hoss ran from the barn and saw Joe dismounting. He grabbed his brother before he reached the ground and hugged him tight. "Joe, you’re home! You’re here! You’re really here!"

Joe felt himself taken from the horse and was engulfed in his brother’s arms. He felt the strong grasp of Hoss and knew he was truly loved. He saw his bother’s face and smiled. He felt a fear leave him as he felt his brother’s love. As Hoss’s grasp did not loosen, Joe began to gasp, "Hoss, I can’t breathe!"

Hoss heard the words and let his grasp loosen, but not much. At that moment he felt as if he would never want to let his little bother out of his reach. Ben and Adam had run out of the house at the sound of the horse approaching and saw the sight in the yard. Joe was off the ground being embraced by his brother. Hoss spun Joe around a few times and finally let him down.

Joe was thoroughly thrilled with Hoss’s greeting. He had so many fears, and as he felt Hoss’s love, he realized Hoss would love him regardless. He said, "Hoss, it’s so good to see you. I missed you!" Joe said and smiled as strongly as he could.

Hoss noticed that although Joe looked much better than he had before he had left the Ponderosa, there was still something missing form his little brother. His smile gave it away. He also saw his brother was much thinner than he had ever seen him, but Hoss knew he could make sure that was taken care of. He just worried about the other. Joe looked sad, and that in turn made Hoss sad also.

Joe turned from Hoss and saw his big brother. He looked at him for a moment, afraid of what Adam may say. Adam reached out and took Joe in his arms. The gesture touched Joe so deeply he began to cry once more. He stayed in Adam’s arms feeling the love of his brother. He had worried about his oldest brother’s reaction to him, and he had felt the love. Joe held tight to Adam for a moment, so relieved his dream had not come true. Adam noticed Joe’s grasp and was overjoyed Joe was happy to see him. He said, "I missed you little buddy. I really did. I just want you okay."

Joe finally allowed himself to pull away. The tears were streaming down his face as he looked at his brothers. He was relieved, elated, and overwhelmed. He felt they loved him, and he would use it to grow stronger. He finally looked past them to his father. He saw tears running down his father’s face, and he smiled at him. He walked over and hugged the man he loved so very much. He said quietly, so only he and his father heard, "Papa, you were right. I love you."

Joe’s family escorted him into the house. He paused at the door and asked loudly, "Where is he? Where’s Hop Sing?"

Hop Sing ran around the corner at the sound of the youngest Cartwright’s voice. Joe grabbed him, hugged him and swung him around. Joe said, "I missed you my friend."

Hop Sing, always one to maintain order said, "Joseph Cartwright! Put me down. You be bad boy now!" Hop Sing said in Cantonese so only Joe knew, "You stop! Joe you quit now, I talk later."

The family laughed as Joe lowered his friend to the ground. "I’m sorry Hop Sing. I just missed you s’all."

"Well Hop Sing busy. Very busy. Little Joe think he can come and go all the time. I have supper to prepare. Have cookie to bake."

Hop Sing’s answer made Joe smile. It was so typical for his friend to not show emotion in front of others, but Joe had seen Hop Sing upset many times and knew he and his friend had shared many secrets together. Joe winked at his friend, and Hop Sing acknowledged it with a nod. Joe smiled at him and Hop Sing smiled back. Hop Sing thought to himself, "My boy is home." He quickly returned to the kitchen.

The remainder of the evening was spent with Adam and Hoss filling Ben and Joe in on the running of the ranch. No one broached the subject of the time Joe was in Sacramento, and Joe grew more comfortable. His mind would trail off at times to other times and other places, and his family would feel him leave mentally. They would watch, and he would return eventually. Ben had grown used to a pensive Little Joe, so he did not react as much as Hoss or Adam.

Hop Sing beamed as he served dinner, and everyone ate heartily. Joe had noticed Hop Sing had made Sunday dinner for his return. It was chicken and dumplings and all the fixings. Joe knew Hop Sing had worked hard to prepare the meal, and he would have to thank him later. Adam and Hoss tried to get Joe to eat more, because his thinness scared them. He knew his family was worried, the way they fussed over him, and he found it to be loving on their part. He ate as much as he could and then pushed away from the table. He looked at Hoss taking another helping and had no idea how he did it.

The family retired to the great room and they tried to settle into their normal pattern , but it felt awkward, and no one felt at peace. Finally, Joe suggested he had Hoss settle into their nightly checkers ritual, and it was as if the house breathed a sigh of relief. It was a quieter game than most, and Hoss won more than usual, but the family started to relax. Finally, Joe started to yawn several times, and he knew he was not long for the game. He soon told everyone he was tired and went upstairs to turn in.

Upon entering his room, Joe walked to his saddlebag that had been thrown on the bed. He pulled out Rebecca’s diary and rubbed his hands over it once more. He then walked to his dresser and opened the top drawer. He reached in and pulled out another book, his mother’s diary. His father had given the book to him a year ago and it was one of his greatest treasures. Joe walked to his bookshelf and pulled out the book he had placed the wedding invitation in. He reread the invitation and then placed it in Rebecca’s diary. He then returned to his dresser and placed the two books together in the drawer. He then got undressed and climbed into bed. He was quickly asleep.

As soon as they heard Joe’s door shut, Hoss and Adam were wanting to know more from their father. Adam knew better than to ask, but Hoss asked. "Pa, he’s been through somethin’. I just feel it. I know he’s sad. I see it, and it bothers me, Pa. Does he know we’re here. Pa, tell him."

"Oh Hoss, he knows. I’ve told him. He loves you Hoss. You know it. We just have to be here for him. He’s better than when he left, and he just needs time." Ben reassured.

Eventually the rest of the Cartwrights turned in and the Ponderosa slept quietly. Ben woke well before daybreak and wondered what had stirred him. He sat listening and heard nothing. He had grown accustomed to waking with his child and wondered if that was the reason. He listened for Joseph but heard nothing. He did not know if his child needed him or not, but he rose to go to him out of instinct.

Ben walked down the hall and saw a lamp light in his youngest’s room. He rounded the corner to see Hoss sitting in a chair watching Joe sleep. He immediately thought Joe had been crying out, but then he looked at his child in bed and saw him wrapped in blankets, only his head visible. Ben whispered, "Has he cried out? Is he okay?" Hoss whispered to his father,

"Pa, I came in and the blankets were down. I pulled them up, and he didn’t move."

"What are you doing here, Hoss?" Ben whispered his question.

"I couldn’t sleep, Pa. He’s home, and I just wanna watch him some. Pa, I don’t want him goin’ again. I missed him."

Ben’s heart broke for his son. He had known how close his two youngest were and saw the pain that Hoss had endured. He said, "Hoss, you tell him 'bout your love for him. Don’t just let it be. Tell him. Joe loves you so much, and he has to know how you love him."

As they whispered another joined them. Adam came to Joe’s door assuming he would be alone in his attempt to check on his little brother. He saw his brother and father talking quietly. “Is he okay?” Adam asked the concern on his face showing.

“He’s fine, son. I think it is us who are not doing well. Boys, Joe’s home and he’s going to stay. We need to trust him and get things back to normal as soon as possible. So lets all go to bed.”

No one moved even after Ben had suggested they go to bed, and the three men stayed much of the remainder of the night watching Joe sleep.

**************************

The Ponderosa stopped her waiting when Joe returned home. Although it was late fall and winter was approaching, the land was awake and alive once more. Joe found himself quickly falling into his old routine, and he grew stronger. His leg allowed him more and more freedom with each passing day. He pronounced it healed when he was finally able to sit a bucking horse and return to his responsibilities of managing the Ponderosa horses.

When he first returned to the ranch, Joe was much quieter than his brothers were used to, but he eventually began to be restored to his former self. In the beginning he took long rides to his mother’s grave with the diaries and would sit and read. As time passed though, the rides became less frequent as Joe began to be more busy and had less time to himself. He was relieved that the final dream on the trail never returned, and he had been free of nightmares since.

He eventually made himself round up Marc Antony and meticulously groomed the horse. He knew he had come far in his recovery when he was able to saddle the palomino and ride him. He rode the horse only once, but was pleased he was able to do it and think of Rebecca. After riding him, Joe once more groomed the animal and placed him in the stall next to Cochise. He knew he would always keep the horse.

Ben watched Joe’s recovery and saw his son coming back more and more. He was glad when he had to reprimand Joe for tracking in mud from the yard. It was much more the way it used to be. Ben saw Joe opening up and relaxing. He knew his son still cried for Rebecca, but the deep sadness appeared to have lifted. He thanked God often for keeping his youngest safe and bringing him home. He just wished he could see Joe fully restored. He wanted the lightheartedness of his son back. It would not be long before Ben would get his wish.

Ben stood out in the yard enjoying the day. He had finished recording the long list of branding records and was wanting a break before returning to more work. He looked over to the barn and saw Joe up on a ladder touching up the paint on the barn. He watched his son work, so grateful to see him alive and well. He realized he had enjoyed the long talks he had experienced with him and felt he had found a wonderful person in his youngest.

Hoss and Adam rode into the yard and dismounted their horses. They spoke briefly with their father and then walked towards the barn. Joe had the ladder positioned in such a way that they would have to walk under where he was working in order to enter the barn. Ben watched as Adam and Hoss walked towards Joe and saw a very mischievous look come over Joe’s face. He had not seen that look in months, and he smiled himself. He knew what was coming and stood watching attentively.

As Hoss and Adam passed under the ladder Joe grinned and pushed over the can of paint. Paint showered down on the two. Hoss and Adam let out a shout and stood momentarily frozen. That gave Joe time to jump from the ladder and start running. He headed straight for his father giggling uncontrollably. “Pa save me!” He said through his laughter.

Ben stood shaking his head no and trying not to laugh. Joe then ran passed him towards the door to the house. Ben’s voice boomed as he said, “Not in the house!”

Joe never slowed as he quickly turned to head around the back of the house. As he ran he said, “Pa, don’t tell, ‘em where I am.”

Hoss and Adam were wiping paint from their faces and were ready to deal with their little brother. Hoss yelled out “Dadburn your ornery hide Joe! Wait till I get my hands on you!”

Adam and Hoss ran after Joe, and as they approached their father Ben simply pointed to the back of the house. They took off running. Ben heard them catch Joe, and Joe’s screaming protests through his laughter. He then saw as all three came back around the corner with Hoss carrying Joe.

“Pa, help!” Joe called out.

Ben shook his head no and continued to watch.

“Come on guys, it was an accident! I didn’t see ya there, really!”

“Yeah, Joe we really believe that.” Adam said as the neared the barn. “Hoss, baby brother here was not doing too good of a job painting. Look he missed a whole lot. We’ll just help him out. Hoss hold him tight.”

Joe saw Adam reach for the paint brush and the can of paint. Adam ran the brush through the remaining paint, and then looked at Joe and smiled. Adam said devilishly, “This will be fun.”

Joe’s protests escalated and he squirmed in Hoss’s arms, “NO! NO! NO!”

Ben watched and laughed. He saw all three of his boys were laughing as Adam thoroughly covered Joe in paint. He then realized what he was seeing before him. Tears formed in his eyes, but they were tears of joy. He looked to Heaven and said “Thank you. My Joseph is back.”

Author’s Note

There is no way I could have embarked on this journey of writing Lost and Found without some incredible people encouraging and supporting me throughout. First and foremost I must thank my loving and very patient husband. He tolerated me being in front of the computer endless hours, talked plot line with me, and read the story as I wrote it. He is the best.

I thank Libby Moore for giving me the courage to “go for it” and risk making the story real. You truly gave me guts! I am so glad I bounced the idea off of you.

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