" DADBURNIT, WHY ME ?"
By: Lynne G.
" Dadburnit, why me? Why do I always have ta get in
trouble? It just ain't fair !"
" This time it's that darn old Shake-what's his name's fault. Ya know the one I mean, the one that writes all that yucky, mushy stuff that old Miss Jones melts over, and that my big brother, Adam is always readin' and it's their faults too."
" Big brother keeps tellin' me that I need ta read all of Shake-what's his name's stuff. HUH !!! As big brother puts it, " It's classic works and that I might learn somethin' from it." HUH !!! Learn what, how ta talk funny ? I dunt think so !"
" What's wrong with good books like Davey Crockett er books bout pirates. Now those are REALLY good books, but no, I gotta read old Shake."
" I think I had better start at the beginnin' as ta why I'm in BIG TROUBLE with big brother, and havin' ta stay in my room, which ain't bad taday cuz it's rainin' out Thy younder window. Sorry bout that, just shorta slipped out. I sure do love the rain though."
" Anyhow, as I was sayin', how can a GOOD BOY like me be in trouble? Well, let me tell ya the way. Hey, do ya like my version of old Shake? Pretty good , huh?"
" This all started one day at school which is bad enough as it is. Miss Jones had THAT look on her face which meant she was gonna be talkin' bout that old Shake guy. I know I should say his name correctly, as THY big brother keeps tellin' me. Ok, it's SHAKESPEARE ! Now, what kinda name is that anyway ? Sorry bout that. I'll continue this sad story."
"Miss Jones started ta read some of this Romeo and Juliet stuff. Yup, that's her name, Juliet. I dunt like girls yet, and I hope I never will. YUCK !!!!!!!"
" THY big brother tells me that girls LOVE ta hear old Shake's stuff. You've gotta be kiddin'. Why? Girls are YUCKY ! Sorry, but I can't help it, but they are."
" Anyhow, Miss Jones is standin' there in front of us with a goofy look on her face, and she starts ta read ta us. What the heck is she sayin'? It sound so funny ! I mean, what the heck does, " Misadventur'd piteous over throw's mean?" All then funny words are makin' me giggle, and I just can't help it !"
" Miss Jones stops readin' and she glares at me and she tells me that this ain't funny at all. Well, ya coulda fooled me, and I hate ta tell ya, but that it is FUNNY !"
" I wish ya coulda seen that look on Miss Jones's face, talk bout funny lookin' Geez !"
" All them ' Thy's, Thee's and Thou's'. I mean really, no one 'round here talks like that 'cept Jonesy and Adam."
" Miss Jones has been readin' this Romeo and Juliet stuff ta us all week and I was so glad when she finished it. It was so hard not ta giggle at all them silly words, even though I did giggle a lot at em. Now I ask ya, what kinda name is Romeo anyway?"
" One day THY big brother handed me one of his old Shake's books. Oh joy, just what I dunt wanna read, 'Romeo and Juliet' !"
" I tried ta tell Adam that Jonesy read us this bad story in school all week, but did that make THY older brother change his mind? NOPE !"
" He told me that it is a great classic and I had ta read it anyway. DADBURNIT !!!!"
" This story gets worse with every page that I am FORCED ta read. Oh why would anyone write somthin' like this in the first place ?"
" The other thing is, have ya seen them drawin's of what them people in them stories wore fer clothes? Now that is just too funny fer words. Hey, can't ya just see THY big brother Adam dressin' like that ? That would be the funniest thing 'round here, that's fer sure !"
" I'm back in control again from giggling' so hard at the thought of old Adam dressed like one of them guys in old Shake's stories."
" Ta impress THY big brother, I asked him why someone would go and write stuff like old Shake does, but the way I asked, made him really mad. I thought it was rather funny after all."
" All I asked very nicely was, " Thy if must question thy older brother why noble Shake wouldst write words like this, alas?"
" THY big brother told me NOT ta make fun of such classic works. Then he dun told me that I was TOTALLY hopeless. Gosh, I thought that I was Little Joe, NOT totally hopeless. Wonder if Pa know's Adam dun changed my name? See what readin' that stuff can do ta yer brain. It goes all mushy, that's fer sure !"
" After I finished my chores, I had ta read that dadburn book again. I took it outside ta read since it ain't in the best shape in the first place."
" So now, here is where all the BIG TROUBLE comes in !"
" I was walkin' outside headin' fer the barn and the hayloft, cuz I dunt want no one ta know that I had ta read this dadburn book."
" I couldn't help it, but I tripped and that old book just took off and it flew straight over ta the water trough, and it went SPLASH ! Yup, old Shake dun sunk ta the bottom of the water trough."
"WOOPS !!!! Hope THY big brother ain't watchin' old Skake now at the bottom of the trough. I just couldn't help it, but I was gigglin' so hard that I couldn't stand up."
" I finally got up and went ta rescue THY brother's book. What a drippy mess !! Uh oh, I just dropped that wet old book in the dirt. Wonder how that happened?"
" THY brother's book not only is soaked, but it's dirty too. I couldn't help it, but I started ta giggle again, so I ran inta the barn and straight ta the loft ta think."
" Oh man, Adam's gonna kill me fer sure. Now old Shake would say ' slay ' insteada ' kill '."
" I gotta think of somethin' ta do fast, cuz it will be time fer dinner real soon. Oh, my tummy is upset. This ain't good at all. OH WHY ME ?"
" I know, I'll sneak the book up ta THY brother's room and then I'll go and hide somewhere. Yeah, that's a good idea !"
" I snuck in the house and up ta Adam's room. So far so good. I decided ta lay THY brother's wet and dirty classic yucky book on his desk. Dunt ask me WHY I decided ta put it there. I think old Shake has wrecked my poor INNOCENT brain."
" After I left THY brother's chamber-pretty funny, huh? Adam's chamber, I headed ta find a hiddin' place FAST ! I couldn't go up ta the hayloeft, cuz that's the first place THY big brother would look."
" So I decided ta climb one of the large old pine tree's in the yard. That way I could hear what was goin' on, and I would still be close ta the house."
" I ain't never heard such LOUD yellin' comin' from Adam before. Talk bout SCARY ! YIKES !!! Just as I thought, he wants ta kill me!"
" Now Pa is yellin' fer me and I can see Pa and THY big brother walkin' ta the barn. See, I dun told ya that they would look there, and that's why I'm sittin' here in this big old tree. Uh oh, here they come and boy do they ever look MAD,'specially THY brother, and that ain't good."
" Brrrrr, it's gettin' cold out here and it's dark too. Sure wish I had my jacket. Oh great, it's startin ta rain, but I gotts ta stay up here in this tree if'n I wanna stay alive. OH, WHY ME ?"
" Wouldn't ya know, I started ta sneeze. Just what I dunt wanna do, but I couldn't stop that dadburn sneezin' fer nothin'."
" Just great, the front door opens and I hear Pa yellin' that he can hear me sneezin' and that I had better get my little butt in the house NOW !!! Well, if'n I could send my little butt in the house by itself, I would, but it's attached ta me, so I ain't got no choice, I gotta come down from my hiddin' place."
" Then I hear Pa yell, ' NOW ', and he means NOW ! NOT LATER ! Then THY big brother yells, ' WHERE IS HE ? Uh oh, that's scary !"
" Now I'm hearin' my full name bein' yelled, and when I hear JOSEPH FRANCIS CARTWRIGHT bein' yelled, I know I'm in trouble, BIG TIME !!!!"
" I decided ta say somethin' like, ' I'm here Pa' and I was told or I should say ODERED by Pa ta get STRAIGHT down from that tree that instant !"
" I was so cold and still sneezin' that I could barely climb down the tree."
" Talk bout SCARY, I suddenly felt someone grab me 'round my waist and IT pulled me down from the tree. Yup, it was Pa, and even in the dark, well it wasn't that dark cuz the porch light was lit, but I tell ya, I could see smoke comin' out his ears and flames in his eyes. No lie, and so did THY big brother too !"
" So ya know what I dun did, and this is so good too. I got down on my knees in front of THY big brother and I looked up at him with tears in my eyes cuz I was really scared and that's the truth too, and I was shiverin' too."
" Anyhow, as I looked up THY brother through my teary eyes, I said and begged, ' Oh please THY noble big brother, I can not tell a lie, hence, but I dun tripped and fell down and yer book flew out of my hands and hence it landed in the water torugh and it dun sunk. I am so sorry. Please dunt slay me. I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER !" I even had my hands tagether as if'n I was prayin', cuz I was."
" Hoss was almost rollin' on the floor in laughter. Dunt know what was so funny. All I was tryin' ta do was ta save my life, and that ain't funny !"
" I think Pa was smilin', but THY big brother sure wasn't. I was waitin' fer him ta say somethin' or ta kill me, but so far he just stared at me, and he still had smoke comin' out his ears and flames comin' out his eyes. Pa ain't got smoke and flames comin' out of him no more."
" Then Pa told Adam that he could punish me. Now I know I'm gonna die. I'm way too young ta die. Heck, I'm just a little boy after all."
" THY big brother told me ta stand up, so I did. I was so scared that I didn't feel cold no more. THY big brother told me ta go up ta my room and get out of my wet clothes and ta put on my nightshirt. I ran all the way up ta my room and dun what I was told ta do."
" After my so called lovin' big brother tanned me, he told me that it was just a good thing that his old book, ya know, that one that went fer a swim that afternoon, wasn't his excellent condition copy of Romeo and Juliet. Now why would anyone want two copies of the same book?"
" So if this was his OLD BEAT UP copy of that Shake's book, why did he have ta get so mad at me? I dunt feel guilty bout his dumb old book gettin' wet and dirty then!"
" So, now ya know why this whole trouble thing is all that old Shake guys fault, and old Jonesy and Adam's fault's too."
" Now, I ask ya, why does old Shake have ta use all them silly soundin' names? What kinda names are, Benvolio, Escalus, Mercutio, Tybalt, and Balthasar anyway? What's wrong with names like, John, Harry, Roy, Joe and Tom? Ya know, easy names that people 'round here have?"
" I guess I will NEVER understand old Shake and why his stupid stories make old Jonesy and THY big brother go all crazy fer."
" I'm so glad that I'm normal and such a good boy who got inta trouble thanks ta old Shake ! DADBURNIT !!!! My poor little butt dunt feel so good."
" So now, I need ta REALLY try ta be nice ta HIM, I mean, THY big brother, and just maybe I can released from my bed chamber. Good one, huh? Yup, that old Shake has messed up my brain alright !"
" Well, that's my VERY SAD STORY as ta why I'm in so much TROUBLE with THY BIG BROTHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
" LIFE JUST AIN"T FAIR !!!!!!! DADBURNIT ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"