KNOW THYSELF
A “What Happened Next” Story
For the Episode, “The Crucible”
By Meira Bracha
May, 2002
Chapter 1
It was late afternoon. Hoss, Joe and Ben Cartwright had halted their
horses on a ridge in the wild country east of Pyramid Lake. Heartbroken,
Ben reluctantly agreed with his sons that it was time to quit searching
and return to the Ponderosa. When he wearily lifted his head from
his chest he noticed something moving in the flatland below. It was
a man dragging a travois. Ben didn’t trust his eyes at first, but
then called out, first in a hesitating voice, then in a desperate shout,
“Adam? Adam!”
Hoss and Joe saw him too. The three men urged
their horses into as fast a descent as was possible down the steep slope,
then galloped across the flat ground, each calling, “Adam!” over and over,
but getting no response. Ben reached Adam first and immediately dismounted
and approached, but Adam did nothing to acknowledge his presence. He
did drop the travois, but continued trudging unsteadily forward, smiling
and mumbling. When Joe, Hoss and Ben caught up with him, Adam slurred
wildly, “There wasn’t any gold! No more games!”
Then Adam’s eyes met his father’s, and he sobbed out,
“Oh, Pa!” and fell into Ben’s embrace. Ben gently lowered himself
and his stricken son to the ground.
Hoss, who had stopped to check the travois, announced quietly, “Pa,
he was draggin’ a dead man.”
Joe knelt on the opposite side of Adam from Ben.
He filled his hand with water from his canteen and rubbed it gently over
Adam’s face and lips. Then he and Ben held the canteen up to Adam’s
mouth and let him drink. Looking at Adam’s haunted face, sunburned
and blistered skin, and torn and filthy clothing, Joe whispered, “He’s been
through some kind of hell.”
After a few swallows Adam collapsed into his father’s arms. Hoss
and Joe put their hands on Ben’s shoulder, and the four of them remained
locked in that tableau for several minutes. Practical Hoss broke the
silence. “Why don’t we move him over into the shade under the ridge
there and set up camp?”
Ben nodded agreement, and with Hoss’s help lifted Adam to his feet.
With his arms held over their shoulders, Adam half-stumbled and was half-carried
to the location Hoss had indicated. Ben then sat and cradled Adam’s
head and torso awkwardly in his lap. Joe handed the canteen to his
father and Adam took small sips until he drifted off to sleep. Ben
continued to hold him while Hoss and Joe tended to the horses, started a
campfire, and dealt with the body on the travois.
Ben finally relinquished his oldest son to the bedroll that Joe had prepared.
Ben wanted to stay up and watch over his firstborn, but the exhaustion brought
on by days of hard riding, ceaseless worry and sleepless nights overtook
him. He went to sleep after being assured that Joe and Hoss would take
turns keeping an eye on Adam. The younger brothers sat together by
the campfire for a while, speculating on what may have happened but unable
to reach a plausible explanation.
In the morning Adam woke lucid but very quiet. He gratefully exchanged
the rags he was wearing for his father’s spare pants and Hoss’s spare shirt.
Joe donated his hat to complete the transformation. Adam mustered
enough of his accustomed “big brother” persona to protest that Joe shouldn’t
go hatless, but Joe responded that his skin was tough enough to manage a
day with his head uncovered, whereas Adam already looked like he’d spent
too much time on a barbecue. Ben, concerned about sunstroke as well
as sunburn, sided with Joe, and Adam acquiesced.
“Adam,” Ben said softly, “I’m sorry son, but the man you were dragging
is dead. Your brothers buried him. Could you tell us his name
so we can mark it on the site before we leave?”
After a short hesitation, Adam replied, “Uh…his name was Peter Cain,” barely
audibly. Adam then retreated into himself and remained silent while
the others planned how to proceed. They decided they would ride to
the way station where Joe had left Cochise, spend the night there, and continue
toward home the next day.
“I’ll double up with Adam,” offered Joe. “We can start out on Sport
together and switch off onto Buck or Chubby if necessary.”
“Is that alright with you, Adam?” asked Ben.
Adam gave the slightest of nods indicating agreement. Over a meal
of hard tack and water Joe told him how he’d waited at Signal Rock for almost
twenty-four hours on the day they’d arranged to meet. He’d then tried
to backtrack in the direction he expected Adam to come from. That
day Joe’s horse Cochise split her hoof and Joe had brought her to a remote
way station where he found that the station manager had recently purchased
Adam’s horse Sport from two men passing through. Joe left Cochise
at the station and, riding Sport, traced the robbers to Salt Flats.
Adam shook his head. “I haven’t really thought much about those two
for a while. I suppose I should wonder what happened to them.”
“They’re dead,” said Joe, “And not at my hands. Though I might of done
it, seeing as I thought they’d killed you. But they got into a fight
in Salt Flats and got themselves killed before I even got there.”
Joe half expected Adam’s customary lecture on letting the law handle things,
but Adam’s only comment was, “Well, I guess that could be considered justice.”
After a pause, while Adam appeared to further mull over this news, he added,
“You know, I don’t even care? I don’t mean about the money, Pa.
I am sorry about that. I mean about whether those two are alive or dead.”
“Well you don’t have to worry about the money either,” added Joe.
“They still had most of the five thousand dollars on them. The Salt
Flats sheriff is holding it for Pa. I did persuade him to give me
this.”
Joe opened his saddlebag and removed Adam’s gun. Ben got out Adam’s
holster, which they’d found at the site of the robbery. Adam
accepted them wordlessly, his face an impenetrable mask. Ben told Adam
that the money wouldn’t have mattered in the least under the circumstances,
but Adam didn’t even seem to be listening.
The four men quickly finished their meager camp breakfast and mounted up.
Hoss, Ben and Joe had used up most of their provisions several days earlier
in the search. Even the water was getting low, but there was enough
to last for the twenty-or-so mile ride to their destination. By tacit
agreement, Ben, Hoss and Joe used it sparingly while encouraging their dehydrated
son/brother to drink as much as he wanted. If Adam noticed their solicitude,
he didn’t comment; in fact he said almost nothing the whole day.
They arrived at the way station after a long, slow ride. Joe quickly explained
to the manager what had transpired since his departure a week before.
Despite lingering anger over the man’s purchase of his brother’s horse under
what Joe thought should have seemed like suspicious circumstances, Joe apologized
for having pulled his gun at their last meeting. The man was glad
to have overnight company, and cooked up a generous supper to share with
his guests. Adam contemplated the spoon he was handed for a
good thirty seconds before he began to eat.
Cochise’s split hoof had healed, and the Cartwrights prepared to leave
at daybreak, each on his own horse. Adam insisted that he was
fit enough to make the long ride back to the Ponderosa, and that he preferred
to do that than to spend even one more night on the trail. He fell
silent again and remained so, except for necessary answers to direct questions,
until they arrived at the ranch house. “I honestly thought I would
never see home again,” he said in a near whisper. That sentence, and
his brief greeting to Hop Sing, were the only words his family heard from
him until after supper.
Chapter 2
Hot baths and Hop Sing’s home cooked supper relaxed
and revived the four weary Cartwright men. Even Adam was looking more
pensive and less haggard. “If you’re interested, I believe I am ready
to fill you fellows in on what happened,” he said quietly as they all pushed
away from the dining table.
Ben, Hoss and Joe each glanced at Adam and exchanged
looks. “If you feel you are ready, I would very much like to hear it,
son,” replied Ben.
Joe and Hoss nodded in agreement, though Hoss was thoughtful
enough to add, “If you’d rather just talk to Pa, Joe and I can make ourselves
scarce, Adam.”
Adam didn’t hesitate. “No, you all found me.
I imagine you are all wondering. You might as well all hear this.”
Adam eased himself into a comfortable chair in the great
room. Ben and Hoss settled on the settee, and Joe sat cross-legged
on the floor in front of the fireplace. Adam began:
“I know I have been pretty tight-lipped the past two
days.” he said, “Even for me,” he added, attempting a half-smile which came
out as more of a grimace. “I needed the time to think and, well, organize
my experience in my own mind, before I could try to put it into spoken words.”
“I imagine I was a disquieting sight when you
came upon me. Truth is, I was afraid to believe you were real.
I knew that if I believed in you and you turned out to be a mirage I wouldn’t
have the strength to go on.”
Ben pursed his lips and nodded, remembering. “I
was afraid to believe that you were real too, son.”
After a moment, Adam continued. “Joe, do you remember
what we were talking about in the bathhouse in Eastgate?”
“Boy, Adam, that seems like ten years ago now,” answered Joe.
Adam sighed. “A lifetime ago to me.”
Joe scrunched up his face and thought back. “Yeah, I remember,” he
said. “We talked about the trial I was staying in Eastgate to watch.
I can’t tell you how many times since I’ve wished I’d gone with you or persuaded
you to stay with me. I’m so sorry, Adam.”
“No, Joe, I didn’t bring it up to reproach you. Going off by myself
was my choice. I just wondered if you remember what I said about the
murderer.”
“You said he would hang because that was the law.”
“Do you remember what else I said?”
“Um…that you would never be in such a fix ‘cuz no one could provoke you
to commit a murder like that. Oh, then you said that I was the only
person who could provoke you to murder, and then you pushed my head under
water.”
Joe noticed Ben open his eyes wide. “Oh, Pa, he let me up right away,
but then he got away before I could get him back, seeing as I was undressed
and in a bathtub. Anyway, Adam, that’s the last I saw of you until….until….”
“Until you found me wandering in the wilderness looking and sounding like
a beast from the depths of hell.” Adam finished Joe’s sentence and
continued:
“So, your ‘unprovokeable’ brother got himself robbed and abandoned with
no horse and no water, just west of Job’s Peak. Kind of an appropriate
location, don’t you think? Like Job, when I imagined things could
get no worse, they did. I headed southwest, though I knew I had little
chance of making it out of there on foot. I don’t know how far I walked,
or even for how long. I came to the top of a rock ledge and saw a man
down below, sitting under a tarp shelter, eating. I couldn’t believe
it. By then I was too parched to make my voice carry, so I climbed
down to him. It was Peter Cain, the man I was dragging when you found
me.”
Adam steeled himself to continue. “Anyway, he gave me water and food
and naturally asked what had happened to me. I told him about the
robbery and how what really galled me is how those animals--that’s what
I called them--animals, had left me to die.”
“Cain wanted to know if I would kill the men if I found them. I told
him no, that I would turn them over to the law. He wanted to know
why. I told him that that was the civilized process.” Here Adam
snorted under his breath and shook his head ruefully.
“Cain argued that most men in such circumstances behaved like animals,
and Adam Cartwright, your oh-so civilized and erudite son and brother, actually
quoted the sages of Ancient Greece and said that I knew that I would not
be reduced to such behavior because I believed it was important to ‘know
thyself’. I can be pretty insufferable, can’t I? Doesn’t this
conversation remind you of our discussion in the bathhouse Little Joe?”
“Hmm, I guess, I don’t know,” answered Joe, squirming a little. Joe,
Hoss and Ben were getting a little alarmed at the edge they were hearing
in Adam’s voice.
Ben reached over and touched Adam’s knee. “You don’t have to continue,
son.”
“I do have to, Pa.” Adam was almost shouting. “I want to continue,”
he said in a quieter voice.
“I asked to borrow Cain’s mule to get out of there. Cain said he
was close to a striking gold and couldn’t part with the mule. He made
me an offer. If I would work for him in the mine for three days, he’d
loan me the mule. I hated to think of you waiting for me at Signal Rock,
Joe, and the worry I was bound to put you all through, but I didn’t see that
I had a choice, so I agreed to Cain’s deal. For the next three days
I worked in that hot, stinking mine, shoring it up so that we could set the
blast that Cain claimed he was sure would expose the gold vein. Cain
was pleasant enough at first, but over the next few days he became increasingly
harsh, taunting me, pushing me, depriving me of rest. I had
told him that hard work had built the Ponderosa, and he was trying to show
me that he could work me harder than I had ever experienced.”
Adam voice was becoming raspy, and he was breathing hard. His family
looked at him in consternation. Hop Sing, who had been listening from
the kitchen door, brought him a glass of water and retreated. Adam
took a few distracted sips. There was more, and much worse, to come.
“Cain had me load rocks on the mule, bring them out of the mine, and dump
them by him so he could examine them for signs of gold.
When the three days were up, I demanded the mule. I told him I’d honored
my side of our bargain and I expected him to honor his. He refused.
He shot the mule to prevent me from leaving. In exchange for food
and water he made me do the mule’s work hauling the rocks out of the mine.
He forced me to eat in the sun, with my fingers. He punished me for
taking a break by cutting my rations. One night he set a trap to entice
me to sneak away with a canteen full of sand and an unloaded gun.
When he caught me he tied me up for the rest of the night. We had
appeared to run out of food and water and still he continued to force me
to work. You know, I heard you calling me once, but Cain wouldn’t
let me answer.”
The three listeners were having difficulty absorbing the information that
was tumbling out of Adam’s mouth, sentence after horrifying sentence.
“You let us give this man, this..this monster, a decent burial, and you
never let on!” yelled Joe. “We should have left him for
the vultures!”
Hoss was on the edge of his seat with his fists clenched and jaw set, looking
like he was ready to pounce if only he had a target. Ben looked ill,
but he maintained steady eye contact with Adam. “Shh Joe, sit back
Hoss, let him finish, boys,” he said without turning his head to look at
them. They did what he asked.
Adam continued.
“It all ended when I set the charge that was supposed to reveal the vein
and found there was no gold. Cain admitted to having known this for
a while. It had all been a game to prove he was the better man, despite
his failures. Then he set up one final game. He dug up a full
canteen and a bag of provisions that he had hidden, and put them on a rock.
He placed his loaded gun between us and said he would count to five and
then we could both go for the gun. The idea was that whoever got the
gun could kill the other and leave.”
“I didn’t wait for the full count. It’s not that I was capable at
that point of determining that jumping the count was a good strategy.
Rather, I was in the kind of murderous rage that I had told both Cain and
Joe here that I could never be provoked into. I wanted to kill him.
I ignored the gun and attacked him with my bare hands. We wrestled.
I don’t know where I got the strength but I got the better of him, and I
put my hands on his throat and started to strangle him.” Adam was choking
out his words now. Tears pooled in his eyes.
“Cain managed to speak. He encouraged me to kill him and said if
I did he would win. That gave me pause. I relaxed my grip a
bit. Now that I knew it was what he wanted, I no longer wanted to
see him dead. I let go, destroyed the gun, grabbed the water and food,
and started to walk away.”
“But Cain wasn’t through with me yet. I had injured him too much
for him to follow me. Instead, he asked if I was going to leave him
there to die. He said that I was no better then the men who had done
the same to me. Then he said that he had won. “
“That did it. I couldn’t let him win. I fashioned a travois,
put him on it, and left, dragging him with me. When you found
me I think I’d been walking for two days.” Adam stopped talking.
Joe and Hoss sat in shocked silence. Ben rose, stood behind Adam,
and put his hands on his eldest son’s shoulders. “Adam,” he said, “What
you did was remarkable. That you tried to rescue him after what he
put you through, well, not many would do that. No one could have
blamed you if you had left him there.
“Don’t call me ‘remarkable’ Pa.” Adam sounded defeated. “Cain
used that very word to describe me on the first day, when I claimed that
I would not kill the robbers if I caught them. I didn’t put Cain on
that travois to rescue him. I put him there because I couldn’t let
him win. I actually have no idea when he died. I didn’t
notice. Once he stopped asking for water I stopped offering it to him,
or even looking at him. I finished it myself and discarded the
empty canteen. I just didn’t want him to win. But he did win.
I attacked him in rage and he eventually died as a result.”
“Adam.” Hoss spoke up. “Whatever you was thinking when you
attacked him, if you hadn’t of won that fight he wouldn’t of let you go.
So it was self-defense pure and simple and you ain’t got nothing to be beating
yourself up over.”
Ben added, “That’s right son”, and Joe agreed, “Hoss is right, Adam.”
Adam still looked spent and defeated. “Thank you for defending me
to me. But I have been forced to look at a part of myself I’ve always
claimed didn’t exist. How insufferable I must sound, always claiming
to be so civilized and superior. I know I ought to watch what I say
from now on. I’m just not sure I know any other way to be.”
“Look Adam,” said Joe, “The way you’re always quoting fancy sayings and
poems and sounding so sure of yourself and above the rest of us, that’s just
the way you are. It may sometimes rub the wrong way, but we expect it
of you. I wouldn’t know how to react if you were to change much.
It’s kind of like how Hoss eats enough for ten men, or how I’m never on
time for anything. We expect you to say those things.”
“Seriously,” Joe continued, “Holding your temper and always figuring how
to do the most sensible thing no matter what anyone else thinks are good
things Adam. I’ve been proud of you for acting that way more times
than I’ve ever told you. Heck, I probably never told you. You’ve
got a right to be proud of yourself. I think you were entitled to one
slip after the hell that man put you through, if it even was a slip which
I agree with Hoss it wasn’t.”
Ben spoke up. “I don’t have anything to add to what your brothers
have already said other than I am so grateful to have you home safe.”
The four men stared at the fireplace or the floor for a few minutes.
“How are you now, son?” Ben asked, looking back at Adam, whose eyes
were blinking with fatigue and unshed tears.
Adam gazed blearily at his father. “Other than bone tired?
I have a feeling it is going to take a long time and much thought before
I know the answer to that question.”
Ben summoned up his hearty, Pa-in-charge voice.
“Why don’t we all go to bed? Hoss and Joe, you will need to get started
early tomorrow on all the work that’s been neglected around here for nigh
on two weeks. Adam, I think you should avoid outdoor work until that
sunburn fades, but there is a lot of bookkeeping piled up which I would
like you to start on after breakfast.”
Each of the three brothers smiled a bit and then sighed.
It was clear that their Pa felt that a return to routine was what they all
needed, especially Adam. The Cartwrights all headed up towards their
rooms. Adam grabbed Joe’s arm at the top of the stairs. “You never did tell
me how that trial turned out.”
Joe stopped and thought back for a moment. “Well
Obadiah was found guilty of murder. ‘In the second degree’, they called
it. So he wasn’t hanged. He got five years in prison.
Seems like his lawyer convinced the judge and jury that what Obadiah had
done was something any of them could have been driven to.”
Adam managed a soft, wry chuckle. “It figures.
Good night Joe.”
“Good night Adam. See you in the morning.”
“Amen to that,” thought Ben Cartwright as he closed
his bedroom door.
End
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