Father of the Year
A REALLY Lost Episode Of Bonanza
Robin
This is the last copy of the only script of this Season 5 Episode called
"Father of the Year"
Adam closes the door as a group of visitors exit the Ponderosa Ranch House.
He sighs as walks over to his 2 brothers. Hoss is attempting to straighten
out the furniture and gather dirty cups and plates.
Hoss: I can't believe you did this Little Joe... all those folks in the
house..Hop Sing was really furious about that feller from New Orleans in
his kitchen yellin and carrying on...
Adam: Joe, you really put your feet into it this time. Pa is going to to
tan your hide....
Hoss: Now hold on Adam, Once Pa gets over his temper, I think he will be
pleased as punch. Little Brother, might just have something here.
Adam : I come in from Virginia City and find the house filled with
strangers... and that woman making you cry. And who was that Doctor Phil
person ?
LJ: It was the contest, Adam.
Adam: You just said your letter won a contest. Tell us the rest of this.
LJ: Well, it all started out that afternoon a few months ago... remember
when I was getting better from getting shot ?
Adam: The time when you were shot in the leg by the sheep herder ?
LJ: No, not that time.
Adam :The time you were bushwacked by the Wingo gang and they stole Cochise
?
LJ: No, the other time
Adam : The time the dry cleaner shot you for bringing in that dang green
jacket again and kissing his daughter ?
LJ :Yeah that time...Well I was dozing on the settee watching daytime TV
with HopSing...
Hoss: You know there are alot of purty gals on those Soap Operas.(grinning
and rolling his eyes) Like that MTV too.
Adam: Hoss, let him finish...Go on Little Brother... this better be good
LJ: Well, that Oprah show had a contest for "Father of the Year" ...
Adam " OPERA ? Joe you were watching PBS ? good for you
Hoss: No, Adam. He said Oprah... Go on, Short Shanks. Love that Oprah...
full figured gal... mmmm mmm.
LJ : any way they had this contest where they said write about your father
and you can win a whole bunch of stuff and ...er ...well...
Adam: (crossing his arms and leaning on the stone fire place ) And ? What
did you write ?
LJ: Well Adam here it is :(Joe reads from a piece of Ponderosa stationary)
Dear Oprah, I am writing to you about our Pa. He is the best Pa in the world.
No matter what my brothers have done or what worries we gave him, my Pa has
always been there for us.He has raised us all by himself since each of our
mothers died. My brother Adam was a new born when his mother died in a tragic
case of obstetrical malpractice. Pa juggled driving the team west with diapering
him and never was able to use disposable diapers as Adam had such a delicate
tush and could only wear black diapers.
Adam : ( shifting uncomfortably) JOE ! No need to reveal Cartwright business.
LJ (continuing) Hoss's ma was killed in a bizarre case of road rage do to
racial bigotry and my ma died from blunt impact trauma sustained in an equine
mishap. Pa raised us all and has always had time to coach little league, hunt
us up in the dessert, and he even climbed a mountain to save my sorry butt
not once but twice.
Despite serving as Vice President of the Virginia City
Parents with out Partners,Pa put his own social life on the back burner
and put his boys first. He may have kept us in line by threatening to "tan
our hides " but he never did... the the threat was enough to keep us boys
in line. He also taught Sunday School and taught each of us how to dance,
shoot and ride broncs.Most importantly he taught us to fight for the underdog
and let the law handle things and value nature and respect women and value
family over all. When my brother Adam, wanted to go to college, he found
the money.
He sits up with us when we are sick and has consoled me and my brothers
each time our girl friends die or leave town....He has also donated 76 wagon
loads of lumber to Habitat to humanity and supported the Miner's widows and
orphans fund and gives time to the Nature Conservency and the Wild Horse
foundation sends him injured mustangs to save. So that is why our Pa, Ben
Cartwright should be "Father of the Year" ....He is the best Pa in the world
and if I ever have children and live in my own Little House on the Prairie
I want to be just like him but not have white hair. Yours truly... Joseph
Francis Cartwright.
Hoss and Adam are both crying hysterically. Hoss pulls his bandana from
his pocket and blows his nose loudly.
Adam: Gee Joe, that was touching. What does he win ?
LJ: well, first he gets a Chevy Tahoe truck and a make over from Jose Ebert.And
we go to a show with Rosie O'Donnell...
Hoss: Like that gal too.
LJ: Martha Stewart is gonna reorganize the pantry and Christopher Lowell
is going to redecorate so we can put our feet on the furniture. We all get
a Disney World Trip too !
Hoss: Disney World ?! We get to see the Hooopty Doo Review ? And see Mickey
??
LJ: Yeah, two weeks and the cruise too.
Adam: And who was that guy who is in the kitchen ...(loud shouts and crash
of dishes followed by cursing in Chinese)
LJ: Er... he is a chef and he is gonna cook Pa a surprise dinner... he is
from New Orleans like my dead mother.
(more loud shouts from kitchen followed by loud shouts of "BAM ! take it
up a notch Hop Sing !)
LJ: His name is Emeril...
Hoss: When do we eat ?
THE NEXT MORNING:
Adam had pulled his father out to the barn for a private talk early the
next morning. Ben starts to saddle Buck but Adam pulls him aside. Unfortunately
it is too late.
Ben:Now what are you dragging me out here for Adam ?
Adam: I needed to catch you before you rode out... it's about the folks
who will be here soon.
Ben: What people ? ( he hears the sound of a crowd in the yard.) Who are
all those people out there ? Who is that woman ordering everyone around? And
that awful blue dress… Did that awful Gypsy wolf girl come back.
Adam: Pa just keep smiling.
Ben: What are you talking about ?
Adam: Keep smiling no matter what. And just remember Little Joe did what
he did out of great affection for you.
Ben: Adam, What are you talking about ?
Adam: The contest... he wrote a letter.. Father of the year...Just keep
smiling, Pa, the cameras are on us.
Ben Glares at Adam and spins around as a camera crew enters the barn and
Oprah Winfrey thrusts a microphone in Ben's face. He smiles inanely totally
not knowing why he is smiling but trusting that Adam is telling him the to
do the correct thing.
Oprah: And here he is ...Our Father of the year... Mr. Ben Cartwright !
LOUD applause fills the barn and bright lights glare in Ben’s eyes.
Little Joe’s voice fills the air reading his prize winning letter. :Dear
Oprah, I am writing to you about our Pa. He is the best Pa in the world. No
matter what my brothers have done or what worries we gave him, my Pa has always
been there for us.
Ben: ( under his breath) damn right I was…
Adam : Smile Pa.
LJ voice over: He has raised us all by himself since each of our mothers
died.My brother Adam was a new born when his mother died in a tragic case
of obstetrical malpractice. Pa juggled driving the team west with diapering
him and never was able to use disposable diapers as Adam had such a delicate
tush and could only wear black diapers.
Adam : Keep smiling Pa…. ( shifting uncomfortably and rubbing his rear end
unconsciously)
Ben ( thru clenched teeth) I am going to tan that boys hide when I get my
hands on him.
Adam: (Also Through clenched teeth) Pa, you get what is left after I finish
with my little Brother,he told people about my tush… and don’t tell me “Let
the Law handle it”.
LJ (continuing) Hoss's ma was killed in a bizarre case of road rage do to
racial bigotry and my ma died from blunt impact trauma sustained in an equine
mishap. …
Oprah : Oh my goodness racial bigotry !!! Did the lad write a book about
this ? I can use it as a book club feature.
LJ voice over:Pa raised us all and has always had time to coach little league,
hunt us up in the dessert, and he even climbed a mountain to save my sorry
butt not once but twice. Despite serving as Vice President of the Virginia
City Parents with out Partners,Pa put his own social life on the back burner
and put his boys first.
Oprah: Is that what is known as the “Cartwright curse “ or back burner social
life, Ben ?… May I call you Ben ?
LJ voice over:He may have kept us in line by threatening to "tan our hides
" but he never did... the the threat was enough to keep us boys in line.
Oprah : other wise we would send you to anger management classes…If a child
learns violent behavior at home it carries out into the world and they wind
up shooting gunslingers while they wear green corduroy jackets.
LJ voice over:He also taught Sunday School and taught each of us how to
dance, shoot and ride broncs.Most importantly he taught us to fight for the
underdog and
let the law handle things and value nature and respect women and value family
over all.
Oprah: Family values ! Fighting for the underdog ! Audience don’t you just
love this MAN !!!!
APPLAUSE fills the barn and the horses start to kick the sides of the stalls.
LJ voice over: When my brother Adam, wanted to go to college, he found the
money. He sits up with us when we are sick and has consoled me and my brothers
each time our girl friends die or leave town....
Oprhah: A moment of true love and understanding !
LJ voice over:He has also donated 76 wagon loads of lumber to Habitat to
humanity and supported the Miner's widows and orphans fund and gives time
to the Nature Conservency and the Wild Horse foundation sends him injured
mustangs to save.
Oprah: And the Harpo foundation has MATCHED that donation in Mr. Cartwright’s
honor.
Adam: Keep smiling Pa.(sweat marks are appearing under his armpits)
LJ voice over. So that is why our Pa, Ben Cartwright should be "Father of
the Year" ....He is the best Pa in the world and if I ever have children and
live in my own Little House on the Prairie I want to be just like him but
not have white hair. Yours truly... Joseph Francis Cartwright
Adam: Keep smiling Pa. Don’t say a word. I’ll explain it to you later.
Another full figured woman enters the barn and grabs Ben in an effectionate
hug.
Rosie ODonnell: Isn’t he just a cutie patootie !!
Adam: keep smiling Pa…
Ben: I am going to kill that boy.
Adam: Wait until you see what Emeril has for breakfast…Keep smiling
MEANWHILE:
Hoss and Joe are watching the monitor off stage
Hoss: Look at that brother of ours. Do you think he is gonna slug that Candy
Dortort for borrowing his shirt ?
Joe: Naaa, you know how many of those he has ?
Hoss: Quite a few, Short Shanks, but you sure have lots of those green corduroy
jackets.
Joe: Hey, with all the times I get beat up, shot, stabbed, tossed off cliffs
and beat over the head, those jackets take a beating.
Ben:( walking up to the boys with a styrofoam cup of coffee and a bagel
from the greene room) Boys look at these new kind of donuts made of bread.
Do you think
Hop Sing could get make some of these back home ?
Hoss: Pa, do you think Adam is going to slug Candy Dortort for borrowing
his shirt ?
Ben: ( biting his bagel and smiling ) No son, he'll let the law handle it.
And anyway, if Adam didn't shoot your cousin Zorro for stealing Laura Dayton
why would he hit a man for taking his shirt ?
Joe: Because Laura was a blonde jackass and Adam was really
glad that Zorro wound up with her ?
Hoss: and he loves his shirts and didn't really love that ditzy Laura, Pa...
Ben: I love this bagel.Do you think we should open a bagel bakery in Virginia
City...It could be very lucrative.
Hoss: Pa... don't you think that Miss Oprah is the gal for me ?
Joe: But Pa... I'm the cute one and...
Oprah : and after the commercial we have our next segment. Decorating the
ranch
AFTER THE COMMERCIAL
Hoss: Ya think I should take that gal up on that Spa trip, Adam ?
Adam: KEEP SMILING ...They didn't go to commercial yet
LJ :Hoss even though I am the cute one, you sure deserve having a nice gal...That
Bessie Sue is kinda...
Hoss: Kinda what Joe ?
LJ: Kinda ...Adam what was that word you used about Bessie Sue ?
Adam: Muscular ( Adam rubs the large bruise on his shoulder that Bessie
Sue gave him when she poked her meaty finger into it during a conversation)
and unyielding like a brahama bull.
LJ: And Hoss, note that he said BULL....
Oprah( Batting her eye lashes at Hoss) Our next segment addresses the decor
in the Ponderosa Ranch House. Ben has done a grand job raising his sons but
decoration of his mammoth home has not been ...shall we say ...addressed.
Let's go to the video we shot this week without Mr. Cartwright knowing.
Ben: You were on the Ponderosa Oprah ? ( biting on his bagel) This
is so delicious..
Oprah : Yes Ben, we disguised our crew as new ranch hands ... Remember the
folks you saved from the overturned stage coach ?
Ben: (nodding) yes ? Hoss lifted that sucker all by himself.( turning to
Hoss) How is your hernia doing, son ?
Hoss: (blushing) Pa! Not in front of Miss Oprah !
Adam : Keep smiling keep smiling
Oprah: The folks from the stage were me and my producer. (Turning to Hoss)
and that is when I first me you, my big Hunk of burning LOVE. ( Hoss blushes
redder)
Let's go to the video:
Video plays showing Joe with feet up on the sette, Joe with feet up on low
table in front of settee, Joe with feet up on the dining room table, Joe with
feet up on mantle of fire place...Joe upside down with feet on chandelier...each
shot accompanied by Ben Bellowing "JOSEPH GET YOUR FEET OFF OF THE FURNITURE"
Video continues with Hop Sing showing his private quarters :
Hop Sing: ( speaking unaccented English)And this is my room . I decorated
with all the principles of Fung Shui. I have a small fountain and have arranged
the furniture to create a meditation space of tranquility. Do you think it
is easy cooking for 345 hands and the whims of the Cartwrights...And that
Hoss, four and five breakfasts each day...The Laundry.. Black shirts with
dust, blood stains on green corduroy jackets, leather vests,those ridiculous
Elvis brocade dress suits that they wear for dances... Long johns with sweat,
And those ridiculous plaid night shirts that Hoss wears.. One shirt is an
entire load... and the boots. I keep telling them...NO BOOTS in bed ! NO boots
in bed...and wipe off your boots when you come in from the barn.
Video Continues: And all the upstairs room that shift and change to different
configurations..Strange woman go upstairs never to be seen again. And the
view out side the dining room shifting. Very unsettling.
Oprah: we brought in HGTVs Christopher Lowell for the first part of our
redo.
Ben :( nervously) my precious Ponderosa ?
Oprah: Not to worry, Christopher kept the manly man cabin lodge feeling
but just "polished it up"
Christopher Lowell : This was a wonderful experience... I love the Cowboy
theme we worked on here...First the "Feet on furniture" problem
Ben: (glaring at Joe)
Adam: Keep smiling Pa
Christopher: I replaced the coffee table with a lovely pony hide ottoman.
LJ : Oh my god that looks like Cochise ? Did you kill my horse and make
an ottoman ? (Joe starts to draw his gun)
Christopher: Oh no Joe! I know how much you love that horse... That is Faux
Suede and impervious to stains of barn schmutz, beer, blood and apple
pie.
Adam: Joe keep smiling ...
Christopher: And the lovely stone hearth... and log walls..I did some faux
painting and stenciling to mask all the bullet holes. I merchandised all the
"chatchkas" like the gun collections and regrouped the bronzed horse statue
with up lights..
Ben: I love that ! It looks so dramatic yet welcoming ! We should have a
big party with paper lanterns and punch and a shoot out of one of the guests...
Oprah : ( gazing at Hoss) I would welcome your uplight any time in my ranch
house.
Thank your Christopher . Next storage solutions from Martha Stewart.
Back stage at the Oprah show, the three brothers sit in there formalwear
outfits ready to go onstage. Ben is strutting about in front of the camera
wearing his midnight black Ralph Lauren tuxedo twirling and prancing
while munching on a bagel from back stage.
LJ: You got to admit it , Pa is a fine figure of a man. Guess that is where
I get to be the cutest one..
Adam: (Raising his eyebrows) Pa says you look like your mother, I , on the
other hand look most like him. Think he may lend me that tux next time I go
to the opera ?
Hoss: Oprah ? Hey older brother, she’s my gal
LJ: Cool down… Adam said “OPERA” not OPRAH
Hoss: She thinks I am the cutest one.. she calls me her big Hossie. (he
blushes and looks at his size 23 boots)
(From the stage)
Oprah: Next guest is lifestyle expert…Martha Stewart…
Stage manager: GO to Commercial !
Oprah runs back stage and flings herself into Hoss’s lap and gives him a
big smoochie smooch.
Oprah: ooooo Hossie… I could not wait for the commercial to get back and
ruffle up your tufty hair and give you a big hug and kiss.
Hoss ( blushing ) Golly Miss Oprah !
Oprah: Are you wearing your six gun or are you just happy to see me, you
big lug ?( she plants a big smackeroonie kiss on Hoss)
Hoss ( blushing again) Both… You never know when some bad hombre or cattle
rustler might be in the studio.
Stage Manager: Back in 10. 9. 8…..
Oprah dashes back on stage leaving our Hoss breathless and wiping lipstick
off his face with a huge bandana suitable for using as a bed spread on a king
size bed.
Oprah: And now… Martha Stewart with her 10 tips for the Cartwrights on the
Ponderosa..
Martha Stewart enters from back stage to loud applause and sits close to
Ben in his tuxedo. She reaches up and brushes some bagel crumbs off his lapel
and gazes deeply into the silver haired rancher’s dark eyes.
Martha: First tip…Candle wax from chandeliers can be removed with ice.
Second, ( tape shows the boys leaning on the bar in the Silver dollar drinking
beer) I made some yummy salsa and dip to go with the beer and ( tape shows
brawl breaking out, fists fly and glass shatters) tiny shards of glass can
be removed with damp paper towel and fresh cucmbers can remove swelling from
black eyes.. (
Tape shows shoot out in the main street of Virginia City. Joe gets shot
in the shoulder and Ben carries his unconscious body to Doc Martins) blood
stains should be pretreated on corduroy, denim and calico…. and if you use
your medical insurance be sure to keep good records for your income tax deductions.
It is also appreciated by your primary health care provider to get a “thank
you “gift of homemade muffins in a charming wicker basket.
Oprah: And you do make delicious low fat blueberry muffins Martha…I think
I may just make a batch for my studmuffin Hossie ( she winks at the camera)
Martha ( tape runs showing the Cartwrights tossing gun belts on sideboard
near front door) Clutter in the entranceway sets the tone in a home. I made
a compartmental storeage unit in the foyer of the Ponderosa for hats, gun
belts, and other items the Cartwrights would just toss on the side board.
Ben: but we need easy access to those things in case crazed Apaches or drunken
psychos try to break in… or to protect our neighbors.
Martha: Ben…let the law handle it
Oprah : Didn’t you guys ever hear of alarm systems ?
Ben: I love this bagel
Martha ( wiping crumbs off his lapel again but letting her well manicured
hand linger on his broad shoulder) Mr. Cartwright… I heard you are looking
for a strong, smart woman, to stand beside you … I love poetry like your first
wife.
Ben nods suddenly noticing her attentions but is torn between biting the
bagel and eyeing Martha
Martha: I am blond like your second wife
Ben looks at Martha with more interest and raises his eyebrows
Martha: ( brushing her hands over his Ralph Lauren Tuxedo) …and I have many
mysterious talents and can cook Cajun food like your third wife…and may potentially
go to jail...
Oprah: In a blue dress?
Ben : ( his forehead is beaded with perspirations…) Cajun food ? What about
Bagels ?
Martha: Bagels, bialys, pumpernickel bread, long bagets…home made gravlox,
dill cream cheese… hey I grow the wheat and mill it into flour myself. I even
built the ovens and can make the baking pans on my own black smith set up.
And a potential blue dress departure?
Ben: (Raising an eyebrow) hmmmmm ( he bites into his second bagel) can you
make them crusty on the outside and chewy on the inside ?
Martha : Just like you, Mr. Cartwright.
Ben: Just call me Ben. ( he winks at Martha who bats her eyelashes at him)
Joe (to Adam) And now you know why Pa likes ME the best.
THE END
Revised Jan. 2003
RETURN TO LIBRARY