Dark Before Dawn
By Sadie Spinner May 2003

It is said that the night is darkest - just before dawn.

Ben Cartwright felt and could have sworn he saw the soft sigh of air as his son's jaw fell slack.

The beautiful dark hazel eyes, the windows to his soul, were no longer windows, simply empty panes of glass. The vibrant soul no longer lived there . . . Adam was dead!

The shiny black hair pressed tangled and damp onto his forehead; gently he gathered the still, little form of his child to his heart, then clutching the boy in an iron-clad grip, Ben emitted a strange combination, a howl of unspeakable agony, unfathomable despair, mixed with a roar of unquenchable RAGE. The sound shook every board of the massive ranch house, rattled every pane of glass and every piece of china on the shelves.

A Noooo, this did not happen! @ He rocked the body moving back and forth in unconscious motion.

ANo, nooo, Adam. . . Adam. . . Adam! . . . You can not do this !. . . Y-you c-come back this minute. . . You can not leave me!!. . . I will not permit you to go. . . YOU CAN NOT GO. . . DO YO HEAR ME ?. . . Ben screamed into his son =s face. AI forbid it!!!. . . I f-forbid you to leave me!. I. . . I.. . . oh, Adam, Adam, my son, I =m s-so sorry boy. . .I. . . I. . .didn =t mean to yell at you.

When the rage was spent and the pain was all that remained, Ben =s heart shattered into a million tiny shards leaving only a moan of grief too deep to be consoled.

In a hushed whisper he continued, ANo, no, no, no, no . . .Now you listen to your Pa. Y. . .You . . . are going to get better . . . ! . . . You hear me . . . You will @

Tears ran down his face. Ben choked on his sobs. His breath actually halted. His heartbeat drummed wildly, and then, for a second, stopped dead in his chest as if unsure it could go on; desperately Ben looked around the room. It was a mistake. It had to be. As Ben let his arms go slack, Adam's head lolled back with eyes unseeing and wide, lips thin, and face ghostly, gray white.

Re-folding the small frame to his chest, his mind shut down as Ben stared blankly at the wall.

Un-noticed, the woman at the door clasped her left hand over her mouth and gripped the doorjamb with her right. Her vision went dark; her heart raced. If it had not been for the gentle hands at her elbow, she would have crumbled to the floor.

A Ohhh, Mon Dieu! @ she whispered, APlease GOD . . . nooo @ Her own beautiful face was pale; her emerald eyes were dark and vacant. She licked her dry lips. She made an attempt to go to him, but the hands stopped her.

A Mrs.Cartwright . . . Marie, you need to go lay down. You are too weak; please come with me. @ The voice at her side gently led her away; lethargically she followed , seeing and hearing nothing except the moans and sobs of her husband as he mourned his son.

There were whispers and movement around him, but Ben refused to let anyone near him, or his son. At every attempt to get the child from him, he growled A Noooo! @ with such vehemence that they stepped back.

Finally young Dr. Martin made a decision; he drew the others out of the room.

AThis is no good. We have to do something and quick; he has been like this for two hours. We need to get the boy away from him to prepare the body. @

A But what, Doctor? You saw how he is. @ The ranch foreman spoke, his own voice quivering. Never had he experienced such an intense feeling of helplessness.

AI have some chloroform in my bag; I = ll have to drug him. I hate to do this to him but at this point, it's the only way. @ Sadly he shook his head but he saw no other way to do what had to be done. One of the ranch hands had been sent to get Mrs. Shaughnessy . She was a long time friend who would help with the preparations and take charge of the younger boy.

Hoss, who just recently turned five, was not totally aware of the seriousness of the situation. Luke had taken him out to the pond to fish, as it became all too apparent that his older brother was fast slipping away.

Luke and Hoss, a chubby little boy with shiny, bright blue eyes and sunny disposition played and fished for an hour. So when the boy asked. AMr. Luke, my brover Adam is he . . . ? @ He swallowed with a great gulp; big tears filled his eyes. A light breeze twirled the wispy blond hair on his forehead.

Luke, a soft-spoken young man of twenty-five with a face reflecting his long hours spent in the saddle, patted Hoss on the shoulder with his work hardened, rough hand. Unsure of what to say, he didn't want to be the one to tell him the answer he knew the child dreaded.

AWell, young-un', I don't rightly know; it's up ta' the Almighty. @

The child nodded. AI don't feel like fishin' no more, sir @

Luke sighed deeply; in truth, neither did he. Getting up, he took the poles and the child by the hand, and wondering what else he could find to occupy them, started back.

Dr. Martin took a soft cloth and carefully poured a small amount of chloroform onto it. Then, as quietly as he could, he re-entered the room where Ben was sitting. In his grief Ben had slid from the bed to the floor. There in a crumpled heap of despair, the father sat with his back to the door, Adam draped in his lap. Adam's head rested on his father's chest.

ABen? @

Paul spoke softly and cautiously as he approached.

AIt's time; please let me see Adam. You know what has to be done. Please Ben. Don't make this harder. @

AGet away from me! So help me if you come one step closer I'll... @

His voice was hoarse and wracked with white-hot pain. The usually handsome face was twisted in response to his gut wrenching anguish.

ASigh . . . Ben, please, let me help. @

ANo! No one can help . . . my son . . .my reason for living . . . he . . . @ Ben bent his head and looked once again into the still face, the blank eyes. Letting go with one hand, trembling, he caressed the face, running his hand through the damp hair. Tears ran down his face to drip onto the boy's face. Ben wiped them away.

AD don't cry baby. Pa. Is. Isn't angry with you. No, one . . . no one . . . can . . . @ he mumbled and his voice trailed off. Softly he pressed his lips to the boy's hair, squeezing his eyes shut as tight as possible. The flood of tears flowed out unchecked.

At this moment the doctor took what he knew would be his only chance; quickly he stepped up and put the cloth over Ben's nose. There was an explosion of rage as he struggled. The other two men stepped in to help hold him. It only took minutes for the drug to take effect. As he slumped over, Ralph gently eased the boy's body out of his arms. Folding the child to his chest, Ralph stood up and with shaky steps placed the little boy gently and ever so tenderly back on the bed.

AOk, let's get Ben out of here and into his room, @ morosely Paul Martin stated.

AWe need to get started. It's already been over two hours. Is Mrs. Shaughnessy here? @ Paul asked as they struggled with the unconscious man.

ANo, not yet, but Hop Sing is insisting he do this. What can I tell him? @

AIt's all right; let him in. @ The doctor stepped aside as the two ranch hands carried Ben out and to his own room. With tremendous effort they eased him down on the bed, hoping not to disturb Marie.

Slowly the young Oriental man approached with great reverence; Hop Sing put down his bowl of water and the bottles of oils and soft cloths. He bowed to the doctor and with tears gleaming on his cheeks, he gently pushed the hair from Adam's face. A Mistah Ben be all right? @ he asked, not looking up, his eyes still glued to the child.

AI don't know, Hop Sing, @ Paul answered honestly. He had not known the family long, but of this much he was certain, Ben Cartwright loved his sons more than any other man he had ever seen. He had also seen what the death of a child could do to a parent, especially one so devoted and fiercely loving as Ben. The inability of medicine to stop this tragedy ate away at him; he balled his fists and raising his head to heaven, he shook with his own anger.

Mrs. Shaughnessy arrived minutes later, and entering the room, she halted grabbing the arm of the doctor for support.

AOh dear God, it's true, @ she whispered, ASaints preserve us, poor Ben. @

Straightening her back and shoulders, she approached the bed. Hop Sing turned slightly to her. She had known the family longer than he, but to him these children were family and he was determined to see things done with the proper dignity. It was a tense, hushed, almost heated yet reverent conversation that passed between them. Finally it was agreed, Hop Sing would bathe the child, then turn the duty of dressing and other necessary ministrations over to her. Slowly nodding, her own tears splashing down her face, she went to Adam's wardrobe to find suitable clothing. Ben wasn't a rich man, but he did his best by his children. What money he made he used wisely, and refused to have his sons appear as ragamuffins.

AWhere is Ben and . . . ? @ she hesitated, clearing her throat loudly then continued Y AMrs. Cartwright . . . uh Marie? @

She couldn't help feel anger burn up inside her. Marie should be here. Yet, no, this was Ben's son, his beloved Adam. Soft sobs could be heard as she and Hop Sing worked side by side.

Luke was almost back to the house when, through the brush, he recognized the wagon belonging to the Shaughnessy's. It was over; looking down at the little boy who was watching him eagerly, he almost caved in.

AUh, say, know what? @ he faltered.

ANo, sir @

AI, uh, seen a whole passel a' baby . . .Uh raccoons, yeah, off yonder . . . wanna come see um? @ he asked, not sure his actions gave anything away. But he was in luck. Hoss was a trusting little fellow and his love of nature and animals easily over rode his thoughts.

AUh ha, yesssir I sure would. @ He grinned. It was obvious he was missing a front tooth.

AAll right, let's go then, @ Luke swallowed and smiled bravely as he took the small hand and once again led the boy away from the pain and sorrow he would all too soon have to face.

The news had already spread. A few other neighbors began to arrive in hopes that the news wasn't true, anxious to help the shattered family. Mary Olson went to the kitchen and in spite of the fact she was invading Hop Sing's sacred territory, she began to make fresh coffee and sandwiches; it would undoubtedly be a long night.

Dusk was beginning to fall as Ben came around. His head ached. He felt groggy and heavy. Clumsily he struggled with his uncooperative limbs from his drug- induced sleep. Staggering, he grabbed the post of his massive cherry wood bed. Shaking his head, he forced himself to stand upright, and then the nausea hit him.As if a bolt of lightning jolted his entire body, he began to tremble and sank back on the end of his bed hugging the post. Face pale, beads of sweat rose on his forehead, his vision slipped in and out of focus, as the waves of nausea rolled over him. A deep groan preceded his body's reaction to the information his brain forced on him; unbidden forces wracked his frame. Ben gagged and retched; acidic bile surged up into his mouth and he began to vomit. His stomach, empty because he had steadfastly refused any food over the last twelve hours, had nothing to give, so he was consumed by dry heaves.

Ben's movement and sound drew Marie from her exhausted sleep. As if suddenly slapped in the face, she came fully awake. Assaulted by what she heard and the unmistakable odor, Marie instinctively reacted.

ABen? @

She slipped to the end of the bed touching his shoulder, half-frightened.

He pushed her roughly away.

ANo, @ he croaked, ALeave me be, don't touch me, I have to go see how Adam is . . he . . . he. . .isn't well. @ It took several shaky attempts before he got to his feet.

APlease, darling, let me help you. @

ANo, @ he snarled. AI can do this myself; he is MY son.I will tend him, @ his voice angry, dark and threatening. The intensity of his response caused her to tremble.

Ben was completely disheveled, his dark brown hair touched with silver falling helter-skelter over his forehead, clothes twisted; eyes bloodshot; he staggered out into the hall. The lamps were lit, as it was growing darker. Squinting against the unexpected light, he forced himself to go the short distance down the hall.

When Ben reached the closed door, he fell against it, not able to make himself open it. Reality made Ben know what lay inside, yet his heart refused to acknowledge the horrific truth.

Marie managed to get only as far as the door of their room and watched, biting her lip; she wrapped her arms around her middle. Left in her own bleak despair, she slowly turned back into the condemning darkness of their room.

Just as Ben was forcing himself to find the strength to open the door, it opened from within; he fell into the room and would have crashed onto the floor had not his new friend, Sheriff Coffee, caught him. The good sheriff had come, as others had, to see if he could be of some help, and was quietly talking to the doctor in the boy's room. Adam had been bathed, dressed, his body gently removed and carried to the downstairs guestroom where he was laid out upon the freshly made bed.

Hop Sing had gathered as many flowers as he could, and with the help of the ladies, had filled the room with them. Hop Sing used the two beautiful silver candelabras that had just arrived from New Orleans with Marie's things; he placed them on either side of Adam's head. He gathered as many candles as he could find and, lighting them, the flames seemed to combine to form a silent, graceful ballet across the walls of the room.

ADoc Martin, how's Ben takin' it? @ Roy had asked, fearful of the answer.

ANot good, I'm afraid. You know how he is about his boys. I had to chloroform him just to get the boy away from him. @ Paul shook his head, his own eyes filling with tears. AIf, in all my short time as a doctor there was one patient I wanted to save more than any other, it was this little boy. @ Bitterly he cursed his limited knowledge and the sad state of affairs of medicine in these wild parts of the country.

ANow Doc, don'cha go blamin ' yer self non . Twern't nobody cudda ' done no better, Ben knows that. @

Roy tried to ease the pain the young doctor was feeling over his inability to heal the child. Paul Martin grieved over every one of his patients he lost, but it nearly killed him to lose a child, and he felt this child's loss worse than any he had felt before.

How could he face Ben? He had seen the savage look in the young father's eyes. Ben Cartwright would not be easily comforted, and what about his wife? What about his younger son, the chubby happy-go-lucky little blond boy? How was this going to affect Hoss's relationship with Ben? What about the new baby? When it

arrived? If it arrived? Marie Cartwright was a strong willed, fiery woman, yet under such dire circumstanced her ability to carry her child was threatened.

All these thoughts and conversations ended abruptly when Roy had opened the door to go down and see how the men were getting on with the little coffin, and Ben fell into the room.

Roy steadied him, and saw the look on his face; their eyes met for just a second and the grief was so raw, Roy had to look away. AEasy, Ben, @ he whispered.

Ben roughly pulled his arm from his friend; there was no recognition, no warmth in those chocolate brown eyes that had always greeted Roy. There were only empty, almost black holes that looked right through him.

Ben =s eyes wildly scanned the room. AWhere is my son? Where is Adam? @ Ben demanded; his voice held an alarmingly dangerous threat as he shoved both men aside and stepped to the empty, unmade bed. At the sight, he almost collapsed.

Turning, he roared A Noooooo! @ and stumbled out of the room and down the stairs. Shoving all offers to steady him aside, he lurched across the great room to burst into the guestroom.

The combined smell of flowers, incense and perfumed oils hit him in the face. He staggered back a step, then, whipping around, he glared at those watching him who were unable to help. He slammed the door in their faces and locked it.

For a long time he just stared, not moving, barely breathing. Slowly he tilted his head to the left, then to the right, willing the boy to take a breath. Nothing happened; the little face was pale and waxy, the lips bluish. There were two shiny silver dollars on Adam's eyelids. Ben wobbled over where a chair was placed next to the bed by his son's head. He sank weakly into it.

AOh God, please. @ His voice quivered, as did his chin.

He wrung his huge hands together like a small child, who had been caught in some mischief and was now begging leniency from his father.

ADear Father in heaven, don't let this be so, @ he begged in awhisper barely audible.

Trembling, he reached to touch his child. The face was cold. ANo, @ he whimpered, his body crumpling to the floor. APlease, I'll . . . @ He swallowed, what could he offer his God, in exchange? Nothing! He had nothing. He was nothing. Not now, not anymore. Ben placed his hands over his face pressing into the side of the bed and sobbed uncontrollably yet again.

His friends knew they could offer no words, no thoughts, and no prayers that would ease the pain or take away the torment. Only those who had suffered through this catastrophic event had any ability to understand and knew in their own hearts there was nothing that would help. The loss of one's child was the unthinkable, unspeakable fear all parents lived with, no matter how old their child was. There was an unwritten law. Parents go first . . .

While Ben's friends and neighbors gathered outside on the veranda in the glow of the lamp, night slipped quietly down over the house and surrounding hillside.

Luke had finally been forced to return finding no other reason to stall. The little boy's worry over it being way past suppertime made him sure Hop Sing was going to be angry if he was late. When they reached the yard, Luke guided Hoss to the door of the kitchen. Luke suggested that if he slipped in this way maybe Hop Sing would not be angry. Giving the boy a little shove, he winked and backed away. Hoss shrugged and went in.

Luke went around to the veranda and one look told him the answer to his unspoken question. He hung his head. APoor little fella, he's gonna be lost without his big brother. They was close as I ever seed kids. @

He spoke to no one in particular, as they were all lost in their thoughts of Hoss and his devotion to Adam. Luke wiped his eyes and nose with his bandana. AAnything else I can do fer the Boss? @ he asked the foreman.

ANah, ya done good with the lil' fella. @

AWeren't hard; he's easy to please, real pleasant little guy, sure do feel sorry fer him though. @ Shaking his head, he replaced his hat and wandered off towards the bunkhouse.

Finding the kitchen empty, Hoss crept into the dining room. As he got to the table there was a noise coming from the guestroom, a sort of funny mumbling. Eavesdropping was not allowed, but this sound intrigued him. Being curious and only five, he put the rule behind him placing his ear to the door and listened intently. It took him a few minutes to tell who it was. Then he knew it was his Pa, but who was he talkin to? Sounded like he was talkin ' to Adam. That couldn't be, Adam was up in his room wasn =t he? Now even more determined, he reached up and tried the knob. It squeaked as he tried to turn it, but the door was locked. He drew back scratching his head. A Humm, that's funny? @ He tried again; nope it was locked all right. Hoss got a bad feeling looking around the rest of the room and into the great room, for a few moments. Turning his attention back to the door, he did what all little children would. He tapped gently.

A Pa, isat' you in there? . . .It's me, Hoss . . .Is Adam wifya? Can I come in? I wanna tell Adam 'bout the baby raccoons I seed. @

Somewhere in the back of his numb brain Ben recognized the plaintive little voice. Hoss waited patiently at the door for it to open so he could talk to his brother, although the reason Adam was here was a mystery to him. He was too young to make the connection; he figured it was easier to go see Adam if he was here instead of up in his own room.

When nothing happened, he tapped again. APa, please, can I come in? @

Paul Martin chose that moment to come through the door intending to go check on Marie. As he passed the credenza, something caught the corner of his eye.

Hoss stood in front of the closed door. Looking up at it, he wiped his nose on his sleeve, and then scratching at the seat of his overalls, he shrugged. ASure is takin' Pa a long time ta get this ole' door open. @

Paul stood and watched wondering if maybe this child could do what none of the adults had been able to. As the sound of the lock being turned echoed in the stillness, he held his breath. Slowly the door opened a crack.

AWhat is it, Hoss? @ Ben's voice was gruff. The little boy tried to see in past his father but Ben blocked his view with his body.

A S-a matter Pa? @

A N. . .nothing. . .go. . .go to bed. @ His words, vacant, were barely whispered.

ATa bed? But Pa I ain't ate yet . . . Are ya mad at me, Pa? @ His lower lip quivered. Pa sure had been angry a lot these last few days. Hoss was having a terrible time trying to understand all this. His new Mama was helping him but then she got all funny the last few days. Hoss rubbed his cheek with his hand and looked up into his father's face seeking comfort. Ben just turned away and shut the door.

Head drooping, little shoulders sagging, the boy turned away shaking his head, a soft sob left his lips. He swiped at the tears on his cheek. AGee Pa, alls I wannadwuz to tell Adam 'bout . . . @ Hoss walked slowly to the living area and climbed onto the settee; hunching his shoulders, he stared at the fireplace so forlorn and alone. Paul Martin felt his chest constrict, he could not stand by and see this little child abandoned by the one person, other than his brother, that he loved the most.

A Hoss, son, @ He called softly.

The boy turned, tear-streaked face showing confusion and hurt. AYes sir, Mr. Doctor, sir. @

Paul came around and sat next to the child pulling him into a warm hug. AThings are pretty upsetting and confusing right now, aren't they? You are probably worried about your Pa, and Mama? @ Hoss nodded, twisting his hands in his overall front.

AAn . . . an my big brover Adam?. . . @ Hoss fell silent then looked up trustingly into the man's blue eyes. A Ssss.some . . . some. thin . . . Gulp . . .bad happeneded to Adam . . . huh? @

Paul pulled the small boy deeper into his embrace and hugged him tightly; tears fell onto the soft blond hair. He wondered how much Hoss understood about death; surely he knew his mother had died, so had Adam's. But they were just names, faces he only vaguely recognized from tintypes. They were not real flesh and blood people, not his brother who was the light of his life.

AWe. . .. Well son, s. . .s.. sometimes, things happen, bad things, things good people can't stop. @

Disregarding his manners for the moment Hoss interrupted him, a quizzical look on his sweet face; he had heard his Pa say that if anyone could help Adam, Doctor Martin could. A B. . . but Doctor sir, Pa said. . . @ Beseechingly he studied the man's face.

Patiently and as gently as possible Paul continued. A Hoss, do you know what it means when someone or something dies? @

A Yessir, sometimes the preacher talks 'bout it, @ he swallowed, and then went on. APa te-telled me my mama, my other mama dieded and so did Adam's, that they wuz livin' in heav'n with Jesus now . . . Is . . . is . . .Swallow . . . my brover' . . . is he with Jesus? @ He spoke in a voice hesitant and quivering.

He buried his face in the man's chest and cried. A But. . but. . .I don' wan him to be ther . . . I wan him to be wiffmeeeee . . . I need him . . .Please tell Jesus to send him back. @

The rest of the people drifted in just in time to hear the trembling little plea.

Mrs. Shaughnessy swept over to the pair on the settee. Scooping Hoss into her arms, she took him upstairs to his room. Paul raised his face to the others then shook his head sadly. Slowly he stood and went on his original mission to check on Marie in her room.

AYou have to eat. @

She shook her head, ANo, please I can't possibly hold anything down @

The doctor bent and cleaned up the spot where Ben had been sick. Placing the bowl and cloth on the dresser, Paul faced her. AThis is helping no one. Are you and Ben both determined to kill yourselves? What purpose will that serve, except to leave a very frightened and desperately lonely little boy? And what of this other child? @ He pointed . . . A The one not born yet? Are you prepared to meet your maker knowing you let this child die? Oh yes, don't look at me that way!

If you don't take care, you will surely loose this child, and that, my dear, can be considered murder. @

Marie lifted her pale drawn face from her chest. Her thick dark hair was matted and tangled. Slowly she nodded in agreement, seeing past her grief and guilt to what at she knew was right. Her faith had always maintained a child was a person with a soul from the first moment of its existence.

AYes, you are right. @ In stilted words she answered, slowly rising, she went to her dresser and began to brush her hair. Her eyes, however, were still cloudy and listless.

AI have an elixir I will leave with you to help you gain your strength back and your appetite. @

Her ghostly face smiled wanly back at him in reflection. A Hoss ? @ She asked softly.

A Shaughnessy has him; she took him to his room. He will be all right for now, but later, if you feel up to it, he sure could use some reassurance from his mama. @ Paul stepped forward and gave her a gentle, reassuring pat on her shoulder, glad he had at least made some progress.

ADon't give up Marie; you can get through this. You must remember what you have, what you and Ben share. @ Big tears filled her eyes.

A Maybe. @ Her lower lip trembled as she remembered how Ben had pushed off her effort to comfort him. In her heart she knew he blamed her. She promised to take care of them, of him . . .the one he loved more than life itself. Now what? Covering her face, she wept bitter tears.

Paul picked up the vile smelling bowl; turning, he left to get the promised medicine and some powders to help her sleep and then ask Hop Sing to make her some of his special tea. Marie was going to have to be strong . . .Very strong. . .not only for herself but also for Ben. Marie's emotions, already wounded, would have to withstand the whispers sure to come from the busybodies as well as the accusing looks and behind-her-back remarks. Yes, this was going to be a hellish next few days to say the least.

Marie felt the new life in her flutter as if demanding she take notice of it. This child was not going to be ignored and was quite obviously willing to put up a fight to be part of this family. She winced at the thought. A A family? @ Perhaps yesterday and with the grace of God, hopefully in the future, but now? Now there were only three people, one just a child . . . forced to face each other beneath the oppressive weight of an insurmountable loss.

Hoss reluctantly surrendered to sleep, having had a small snack of a ham sandwich, cookies and milk with a promise of more cookies tomorrow. His haunted little eye's closed at last.

It was late, well after midnight as Paul Martin sat in the Cartwright's living room, waiting to see if Ben would open the door. They had been unsuccessful in spite of their repeated efforts. The doctor was the only one remaining. The room was empty but for the hiss of the fire, and the shadows cast about by the flickering lamplight. Slowly he was pulled from his deep thoughts; it was the distinct sound of the lock opening, and he rose, not knowing what to expect.

Ben stood in the doorframe, a study in complete and utter devastation. His face was so drawn and pale, his cheekbones appeared almost skeletal, his eyes just hallow black orbs sunken deep into the sockets. The circles under his eyes were so dark it appeared as if he was wearing a mask. It was apparent there was no peace to be found for his shattered soul, no place he could hide.

Death laughed in his face every time he closed his eyes. AI won Benjamin Cartwright!. . .I took your most precious possession . . .Those wives weren't enough . . .Now I took one of your sons . . .Your Firstborn . . . And there is nothing you can do about it . . . Rail. . .Howl!. . . Curse your GOD . . . go ahead, @ the mocking voice echoed in his head.

ANo! @ Ben snarled.

APardon me? @ Paul asked.

Ben just walked past him and headed into the kitchen, going right through into the back yard. He stood there in the dark of night and raised his face to heaven.

AElizabeth . . . he is yours now, I . . . I . . . failed . . . I was supposed to keep him safe for you . . . he was supposed to be here by my side as we made our dream come true. I almost made it! ...now . . . I don't think I want to . . . Please kiss him for me. Tell him I am soo sorry, that I am so proud of him, how much I love him and... @

Ben stopped and looked around the yard, his yard, Adam's yard; then he looked back to the new house, the one his little boy helped to build. Ben saw the image of his bright hazel eyes as he drew his pictures for his father, the stubborn set of his jaw when Ben did not agree with what he wanted, the beautiful dimples that so very few were privileged to see and his shiny black hair with its occasional mischievous curls that he always tried to keep neatly in place because his appearance was so important and he always wanted to make a good impression for his father. Dragging his eyes back to heaven, Ben blinked back the tears blurring his vision, unsure whether he could go back in the house knowing Adam was laying in there dead. A very concerned Hop Sing came out to gently lead him back inside as he was unable to do it himself.

Up stairs something woke Hoss; he crept silently down the stairs. He just had to see. The guestroom door was open so he quickly scooted in, stopped at first by the sight of so many flowers. The smell of the incense tickled his nose, and the candles . . . Hoss had never seen so many candles sept'in on a birthday cake. But what drew his attention was the bed where his brother lay on top of the counterpane. Adam was dressed as if he were going to church service or some other fancy thing. He was in his best dark suit with the buttons all done up.He was in his best white shirt with his best new silk tie, the one Mama (Marie) got for him that Adam had stuffed in the back of his drawer. Hoss wondered how they found that. His hands were folded over his chest in a funny way and why was Adam sleeping in his best cloths? Hoss crept closer and closer as the candlelight made all kinds of shadows around the room.

Adam must be asleep, but how could he sleep with all these candles? No matter. As he crept closer, he noticed his brother's lips. They were a funny color, sorta' like when they stayed out in the snow too long or went swimmin' before the lake was warm enough. Boy did that make Pa mad; he and Adam had both gotten hard spankings over that last time they did it. He wondered if Pa was mad and why Adam was so still and he was a funny color. As he drew right up next to his brother, he was struck by the glint of the candle light off the new silver dollars on Adam's eyes. Tilting his head he studied this, puzzling it over in his mind, he decided it must be some kind of game Adam had made up to keep him amused while he waited to get better. He decided to try it himself tomorrow.

Hoss leaned in very close to Adam's face. AHey . . .psst!. . .Adam. @ He whispered. Nothing happened. Adam was usually easy to wake so he spoke a little louder. A Psssst! Adam! Are yawake? Watcha' 'doin' wif them dollars on yer eyeballs? Pa's gonna give ya a real whopper of a spankin' fertakin em '; ya better put um back afor he comes in an sees ya! @

Hoss stood up straight. He swallowed; there was something funny going on.

Tentatively he reached out and poked his brother on the arm; he withdrew his hand as if burned.

Hot tears spilled out of his eyes. Now he knew! Several months ago a baby calf had been born to their milk cow Lilly, but it was too early and the calf had not survived. Born during the night, Hoss had not been given the chance to see it, so he sneaked out early in the morning before anyone was up. He found the calf in the corner of the barn covered with an old blanket. Peeling back the blanket, he peeked down at the little thing. It was stiff and cold . . . it did not move even when he poked gently on it. He remembered the feeling . . . AYes, Hoss, it =s dead. @ He had jumped. The voice at his back was Adam. Adam had heard Hoss sneak out and didn't want him to be alone when he found it, knowing how much his baby brother loved all animals. Now that same, awful, cold, hard feeling was what he felt when he touched Adam.

A Noooo . . . please, Adam, don't be dead, c. . . com on. @ Hisvoice quivered; soft sobs wracked his little body. Hoss wrapped his arms about himself and rocked back and forth hugging himself against the terrible pain in his little heart.

Paul had followed Ben into the kitchen and when Hop Sing returned with him, both Hop Sing and Paul unsuccessfully attempted to get him to eat at least something. Refusing even their pleas to drink a cup of coffee, Ben wandered back into the guestroom.

For an instant he just stood, then, despite his own suffocating desolation something clicked in his head. His parental instincts took precedence. Reaching down, he picked the sobbing child up in his arms as he sat down in the chair where together they shared their heartache.

After he had quieted down, Hoss sat upright studying his brother again. Something wasn't right, and then he was able to figure it out. In the ordeal of getting Adam ready, his hair had mistakenly been combed in the wrong direction.

APa, look . . . They gots Adams hair all backsways; he's gonna be real mad. @

Ben looked up as if seeing for the first time the boy on the bed in front of him. Hoss slipped off his lap and reached up to attempt to correct the oversight, succeeding in only making things worse.

A Uhh ohh. @ He turned to see his father, who let a faint thin smile just touch the corner of his mouth.

AThat's all right, son. I'll help you. @ Together they fixed the oversight and sat back.

Hoss shivered in his nightshirt, then remembering Adam was on top of the covers offered, APa shuda we gets a blankit? Spose Adam's gettin' chilly? @

ANo, son, @ Ben absently rubbed the boys back. AAdam can never be cold again, or hot or sad or hurt or angry or . . . or . . . @ His words dissolved into a new round of sobs. Surely there would come a miracle and this nightmare would pass.

ADear God, let it pass. @

All too soon the dawn came. It brought with it a new round of pain and anguish, as opening his eyes, Ben Cartwright was forced to acknowledge the death of his eldest son. Lying perfectly still for a few moments, he stared at the ceiling. The soft rustle of a head moving against a pillow made him turn his face. Marie. It was Marie. Dully he wondered where she had been? Why hadn't she been with him? A deep frown cut across his face. Of course, she was recovering . . . but . . .Adam . . . Adam didn't . . . He . . .

Turning his head away, his lip quivered. The lump in his throat all but strangled him. Slowly he pulled himself up to sit on the side of the bed. With his elbows on his knees, Ben held his head in his shaking hands. For a long time he sat there, unwilling to move.

There was a tap at his door.

AWho is it? @ he asked not really interested.

AHop Sing, Mistah Ben. @

ACome in. @

Quietly and with great care he entered with a pitcher of hot water and a cup of strong, hot coffee.

AHave much to do, this velly sad day. You need anything, Hop Sing be down stairs. @

Hop Sing did not know what else to say or do to help this man. Although Hop Sing worked for Ben, he secretly felt as if the Cartwrights were as dear to him as members of his own family.

Ben nodded; he looked over to the dresser where Hop Sing had placed the cup. The strong steamy aroma rising slowly drifting toward him coaxed him to get up. With a detached look over his shoulder, he sighed deeply and pushed himself to his feet. Walking to the dresser Ben picked up the cup. His hands shook as he took a much-needed sip.

The sun inexorably continued to rise no matter how hard Ben wished to push it back . . .Back to yesterday morning . . . no, to last week . . . yes, that was the answer, push time back.

If only he could turn back the clock, rethink, reexamine what had happened; maybe he could have made a difference? He watched as the golden shafts climbed over the snow-covered peaks lighting the clouds in various shades of peach, orange, and yellow.

Marie opened her eyes, for the moment she wondered why she felt like this, then the realization of what today was also overwhelmed her. With all her strength she forced herself into a sitting position. Ben turned and looked at her, his dark passionate eyes dull and void. All she saw in them was disgust combined with animosity.

A A. . . Are you all right? @ ABen? @

He turned back to the window to see that the sun was above the distant peaks starting another day full of promise and life.

Marie rose from the bed and with great effort came to stand beside him. Neither was able to look at the other or share the pain they both needed to share.

AI need to get dressed. Someone has to go wake the boys. @ Ben muttered and stepped away from her to his washstand. Marie felt as if the air was being squeezed from her body; she became suddenly very light headed. Grabbing the dresser top, she managed to steady herself until the room stopped spinning. Ben seemed oblivious to his wife's plight. Suddenly he spoke to her, his voice oddly distant.

A I. . .I. . .don't . . . don't know what to wear . . . What do you wear at . . . @ he swallowed.

Marie had managed to get to the end of the bed and sat with her arms wrapped around her stomach. Her grief filled eyes looked up at him.

AI'll get your clothes. @ She offered with a thin smile.

Ben nodded and walked out of the room. Passing Hoss's room he noticed the little boy on his bed with two large buttons on his eyes. Hoss was talking to himself.

AGee whiz, this done' feel like much fun, @

Ben stalked over and grabbed him by both arms and stood him up roughly.

AWhat are you doing? @ he demanded, his face dark and angry. It frightened the boy; he trembled.

A Jes . . . jes. Trying' ta see what A ..Adam seed in this. @

AAdam . . . can't . . . he . . . @ Ben released the child and turning, he fled the room.

AI'm awful s. . .s. . .orry Pa. @ Bewildered by his father's actions, Hoss stooped and picked up the buttons looking at them sadly.

Around nine-thirty in the morning, people began to arrive. Quietly they gathered in the great room.

The coffin was brought in; someone had found some soft dark material and lined it. A small white pillow was at the head. The coffin lay ready at the foot of the bed for the family's final good by.

Ben and Marie were still upstairs with Hoss . Neither really able to function, they fumbled through dressing, numb and cold.

When they at last came down the stairs, the mourners began to leave for the gravesite allowing them a few more private moments. They had picked a beautiful spot not far from the lake, the one Adam had declared was his most favorite shortly after they had arrived in the valley.

Marie went into the room first. She looked down on the child she had tried so hard to reach. Why hadn't she tried harder? Why had she let him get to her that day? Oh, if she could only go back to that day. Tears dripped out from under her black veil to spill onto the bodice of her black silk dress.

AOh, Mon' Cheri' my feisty, independent, stubborn, little one. Why could you not see? I only wanted to love you, to show you I was not weak and helpless. But instead of seeing each other, we only saw our own frustration, mine in my inability to reach you, and you, my sweet child, in your child's hurt and confusion, saw me as an enemy not a shelter or safe place of refuge. Now I will never get to see the promise that shown in your beautiful bright intelligent eyes, never see the man you would become, the one your father so dearly loved and was so proud of, the one for whom his sun rose and set @ Bending, she kissed the boy's cheek. Her tears fell like little raindrops to splash against his face. AGood by Adam. You are with the mother you always longed for now. Be happy. @

With that she turned and walked falteringly to the front door.

As Ben stood at the door to the room where his son lay, his eyes followed Marie as she left the room, yet he said nothing even though it was so very evident she was close to falling apart.

Ben ushered Hoss in ahead of him. The little boy stood on tiptoe and kissed his brother but the sensation scared him. He stepped back from the bed wiping his mouth.

A Ga-bye .. Adam . . .Here's ma' bestestfishin string, case yagitta fish, done' know if they fish in hev'n, but jes' in case. @ Gently he took the small tangle of string and put it under his brother's hands as best he could . . . AAn Adam . . . ifn' ya git tired of heav'n, I'll be waitin' fer ya . I'll take care of yer pony . . . won't let nobody ride um' till I get big' nuf '. @ Solemnly Hoss promised his big brother. ALess o' corseya come back b'fer' then. @

When he could find no other things to say he turned to his father. A Wuz that ok

Pa.? What I teld um? @

With tear filled eyes Ben nodded. He could find no voice or words; the little tribute all but tore the last vestiges of his shattered heart from his chest. When he found his voice he croaked, A That was fine son; now go out and wait . . . I'll be there in a few moments. @

Hoss nodded and left his father to his own last farewell.

Ben sat on the bed. ANo, @ he whispered; his chin quivered uncontrollably. AI cannot go through with this . . . I cannot bear the thought of not seeing his face every day. I cannot finish now. My dream is in ashes. Oh my son, my baby, my little one, you had so much ahead of you. It's not fair that your life should be snatched away from me. My hopes and future are dashed. How can I go on? @ Ben sat and brushed the hair on his son =s head, tears streamed down his face.

A Uh,. . . Ben . . . ? @

He looked up at Paul Martin.

AWhy? @ he pleaded, softly, desperately. ACan you tell me why? I would have gladly taken his place. @

ANo one can know the why's and how's of God's work, and I as a doctor admit to my frailty and inability to understand when things like this happen . . . It's time Ben. @

He stepped up and stood Ben on his feet.

A Nooo . . . please not yet, I can't. @

Paul firmly, yet ever so gently, led him from the room. When they reached the door, Ben stood straight, his shoulders square, head held high. No matter how devastated and broken he was inside, he would not let his friends or neighbors see him as weak. He had to be strong. He was Benjamin Cartwright.

As they left the house, Hop Sing entered the room. Walking over to the bed, he bent and touched the pallid face. With great care he removed the coins from

Adam's eyes and placed a soft white linen cloth over the child's face. Bowing, he moved to the side to let Roy and Paul who had returned lift the small boy into the coffin. Placing Adam gently inside, they slowly placed the lid over the coffin. Each was barely able to do so.

After closing the lid Paul and Roy looked at each other over the top of the small pine box. Both men wiped the tears from their face at the same moment. Steeling themselves for what came next, the hardest part. Pulling in a deep breath they each took up a hammer and slowly began to seal the small coffin. The sound echoed in their ears and in their hearts.

Ben sat in the carriage like a wooden statue his hands gripping his knees. Hoss sat between his father and mother staring intently at his small hands not knowing what else to do. Marie twisted her handkerchief between her fingers so tightly it threatened to shut off the circulation, yet she seemed impervious.

With each dull thud, though muffled by the walls separating them, Ben involuntarily twitched. His big strong hands gripped tighter with each stroke of the hammer. Mercilessly the repetitive thud drove not only the nails into the wood, but also drove home the reaffirmation to the irrefutable truth. . . his child was truly dead.

Hop Sing led the way as the two men, the ranch foreman and Ralph, carefully carried their small burden to the waiting wagon. They slid the small wooden box into the back of the wagon, which was filled to over flowing with flowers. The foreman climbed up giving a gentle click to the team and started out. The family followed in the carriage; Hop Sing drove.

The ride was slow, solemn. No one spoke. Ben sat rigidly upright with his eyes = straight-ahead. Hoss was sitting between Ben and Marie looking from one face to the other as they rode.

There was a gentle sweet breeze blowing as they reached the final resting spot.

After the coffin was carried up and placed at the grave that was surrounded with flowers, Ben and Marie followed. Each of them held one of Hoss's hands.

The service was eloquent and so very heartbreaking. After all, how can you really accept or begin to understand the loss of a child so young and full of life. What was the reason he was taken from his father and brother who adored him so? The Reverend did his best. A Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and so Lord, we commend the spirit of young Adam Cartwright unto thy gentle care and ask your mercy on those here who must carry on. May they find solace in the fact that he is now with You and no earthly worry or pain shall touch him. He shall be the brightest new star we see when we look into the night sky. @

Then he read from the Bible, the 23rd Psalm.

AThe Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want... @

Ben began to feel his world turn in on him. His eyes grew misty. He felt his head begin to swim. He wavered. Paul stepped up and caught his elbow. Ben's weight almost pulled him down. Roy also moved in behind Ben and put strong hands on his shoulders to hold him up.

As the Revered finished the last words, a cloud passed over the little gathering, as if heaven itself was on the verge of tears.

ASurely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen. @

Silence followed, broken now and then by soft sobs slipping from various lips in spite of efforts to contain them. Touched with heartache, each sob was carried aloft on the whispers of the pine trees and sighs of the breeze. Even nature herself seemed to pause in respect, recognizing the sorrow of this moment.

Reverend Amos approached the grieving parents. AI am sorry . . . I know it does not mean much now but . . . God never makes a mistake. @ He touched Ben's shoulder and gently patted Marie's hand then bent to the little blond. AYou be brave for your Father and Mother now, be a good boy, be strong for them ok? @

Hoss wiped away his tears. Blinking, he wrinkled up his little nose. He was not sure how being strong would help, except to do Adams chores for him. So in his innocence he brightly replied. A Yesssir . . . I'm real good at chores . . . I can do um right fast, I'll help. See. I =m gettin big now! @ He held up his little arm to show the man his muscles as he tilted his chin up catching his tongue between both lips. In spite of the somber circumstances the reverend smiled warmly.

AYes, so you are. @

One by one the other mourners tearfully placed a single flower on the pine box as they were leaving to go back to the house. Ben and his family were once again alone in their grief. Marie was the last to approach after Ben numbly stumbled away leading Hoss who kept looking back over his shoulder. Marie stepped up to the mound of dirt as they were lowering the box. Unsure, the men hesitated waiting for her to finish. Stooping Marie picked up a few chunks of fresh dirt. The smell filled her senses and she remembered how that day had started out with the discussion of just that, the smell of fresh dirt. Letting the brown earth fall from her fingers, Marie knelt to whisper AI am so sorry Adam. I can only hope someday your father will forgive me. @ Raising her long black veil, she touched a deep red rose to her lips and placed a gentle kiss against the velvet soft petal and lay it slowly, ever so softly, down on the top of the small pine box. Marie made the sign of the cross, and standing, she turned without another glance to go back to the carriage.

Hours later as friends stood around and talked quietly, bits of conversation could be distinguished. They remembered the boy and some of his adventures or his endless questions and renowned stubborn streak. Now and again Marie could feel the eyes on her, then they would shift to Ben, who stood or sat seeing no one.

A Tisk . . . such a shame, he'd still be here . . . @ When she turned her head, the conversation stopped.

APoor man, he loved that child so much, traveled all the way from Boston, just the two of them for years . . .And now look . . . All those years . . . Nothing happened . . . Then. @

AI think there is more to it, she is expecting her own child you know! @ A hushed voice could be heard. Several heads turned to listen more closely.

AShe never did like him. I personally heard them disagree a number of times, right in my own store, @ haughty Mrs. Tillman snorted.

AOh, my! @

AWell, as far as I'm concerned, she did not make much of an effort . . . but then what can you expect . . . She isn't the cuddly mother type now is she . . . And her

background . . . @

Marie could bear it no longer. She flew up the stairs to their room and shut the door flinging her self on the bed.

ANice going ladies! @. . . Alberta's icy voice cut through the silent room. All eyes turned to the gossips who blushed momentarily.

Ben never moved, never looked up. Marie waited for him to come comfort her. He never came. Then it was true; he did blame her, just like they did. What she did not know was that Ben was so deep in his loss he could not understand any of the conversations around him, and he never noticed she was gone.

Hours passed. Her tears dried on her face. Her eyes swollen, she forced herself up. When she was sitting up, she felt someone watching her. She slowly looked over to the rocking chair. Hoss was rocking slowly with his eyes trained on her.

AHi, mama. It's time to eat. @ He softly told her as he stopped rocking and slid off to come and take her hand smiling sweetly. AThank God, he does not hate me at least, @ she thought.

The next week passed in what could only be described as a haze. Ben and she passed each other as they rambled around the house, both lost. He would leave for hours to go sit at the grave and caress the little white cross, tracing the words and every letter of his son's name.

The tension came to a head one night, as a horrific set of thunderstorms raged through the valley.

Marie was unable to take it any more. The night was menacingly black; there was a break in the wild storms that crashed down the valley and into the distant hills.

Both of them lay there well aware that the other was awake. Each shifted to the far side of the bed as they accidentally brushed against one another in their restless insomnia. In the still inky blackness, her health and the health of her unborn child demanded that this must be resolved. Now!

ABen? @

He made no attempt to acknowledge her.

AI know you are awake . . . You must give me the courtesy and decency of at least listening to what I have to say . . . then, if you want . . . I will leave . . . go away and never bother you again . . . but I will not go without you knowing this . . .

I tried . . .I loved him . . . How many ways can I say it . . . ? God forgive me . . . I wish it had been me! @ Bitter tears sprang up in her deep emerald eyes.

AI loved him. Do you hear me?. . .I loved him as I love this child growing in me . . . your child, Ben . @

There was a long heavy pause. In the silence, all that could be heard was her rapid breathing and her choking sobs. She could not see his face. In that time he released a long deep disquieting sigh, so full of pain, dripping with hollow despair. He threw back the covers and sat on the edge of their bed. The spot he had just occupied was warm but there was no warmth in the room, or in his voice.

"He was my son . . .My son . . . My firstborn . . . My child . . . Elizabeth's child."

A Noooo . . .Do not do this to me ! @

Marie scrambled out of bed and came around to him, grabbing him in a fierce desperate grasp as she fell to her knees.

AP . . . Please . . .Ben . . . You have to forgive me . . . Ohhhhh God . . .It wasn't my fault . . . I swear it . . .Please God . . . make him seee . . . nooonoooo, Ben . . . Adammmm . . . Adammm . . . Ben . . . noooo! Adammmm @

He was shaking her violently. Marie feared for her life. His eyes glowed with rage and hatred.

He continued to shake her until she lost consciousness . . . The blessed black . . .it took away her fear and her guilt . . .It was peaceful here in the black . . .nothing mattered; she floated on the stillness.

Yet . . . there was a sound . . . far away . . . muffled . . . her name . . . being called . . .not in anger but in terror. Someone was shaking her again, calling her back.

AMarie!!!! Ooh God !!! Marie! Can you hear me?!? . . .Please wake up! Marie ??? @

The voice, full of panic, dragged her from her safe nothingness. AMarie! Wake up! You're dreaming! @

Suddenly she was awake, in Ben's warm secure arms. He was holding her tightly to his chest, as it heaved with his every gasping breath.

A Ohhh dear God. @ He cried as he softly rocked her in his arms. Her senses slowly came back; she was shivering. She could feel her body covered in sweat. Hot tears fell on her face.

Then she was fully awake. She grabbed him, chocking between sobs.

A Ohhh . . . BEN . . . hold me . . . Please hold meee . . . It was so awful . . .Please don't let me go . . . hold me tight . . . I . . . He . . . Oh . . . please . . .Don't hate me . . . @

AI. . . I. . .won't, @ he stuttered, wrapping her tighter in his arms wondering what demons had possessed her.

AHate you ?. . . Oh my God . . .Why would I ever hate you . . . I LOVE YOU!!!! @

ABut . . . Adam . . . we . . . he . . . @ Weakly she whispered, exhausted and not really sure which was reality and which was not.

Then she heard it, softly, tentatively.

AIs she gonna be all right? . . . um, Pa ? what's the matter? I heard her call me. @

Adam entered the room coming cautiously toward the bed where his father sat rocking with his sobbing wife. Marie's face was pale and drawn as she clung to Ben, her hands digging into him. Her knuckles were white as they tangled in his nightshirt.

AI . . .I. . . don't know son, @ Adam heard a peculiar fear in his fathers voice.

Always a light sleeper, the boy had been startled awake by the screams of his stepmother; he had flown to their room, heart racing.

Ben felt Marie relax just a little in his arms; he brushed the tangled hair from her sweaty face.

AYou're all right now darling. I'm here, and so is Adam. @ Ben reluctantly pulled his arm away and gestured for Adam to come closer. The boy took a few steps further into the room until he was at the side of the bed.

AAdam? @

AYes ma' am? @

Nodding, she let out a slow breath.

Ben was still clinging to her; her rambling and terrifying words tumbled in his head. The doctor . . .he needed to send for the doctor.

AAdam, stay here with your . . . with Marie. @ He was aware of the boy's reluctance to refer to her as Amother. @

AI = ll be right back I . . . I promise. @

Ben untangled himself from Marie, and placing her back on the bed, he quickly exited to find one of the ranch hands. It had been a still dark night as the moon was new, and now it was almost dawn.

AAdam? @

He jumped thinking she was asleep. He did not expect her to speak.

AYes, ma'am. @

ADo you know what time it is? @ she hoarsely whispered.

A No, ma'am not fer-sure. @

AIt- it feels very late. @ She tiredly continued , the room felt uncomfortably dark.

ANo . . . I . . . I. think it's almost morning. @

AStill feels so very dark. @ She shivered.

He glanced to the window then back at her. APa . . . Pa . . .Always tells me . . . it's always darkest just before dawn, @ he tried to reassure her.

AIt . . . It's gonna be mornin ' real soon, M.. . .Marie. . .th. . .then it won't seem so dark. @

AThank you . . .son. @

AYou're welcome, @ he quietly answered.

In the growing gray light, he became aware how hard she was shivering. Anxiously he looked around and was just able to see the rocker and the afghan that hung over the back; quickly he grabbed it and returned to place it over her. Hesitantly he brushed her arm with his fingers. She slid her hand out and with surprising strength she clutched his. For a moment he was not sure what to do. Then with a great deep breath he covered her hand with both of his, pressing it firmly between them. Adam took up his post as protector and guardian until his father got back, bravely holding back the dark forces that seemed to be after her.

It was more than a week before she could tell Ben the extent of her dream, of the depth of horror in which it had taken her to hell and back. It was another few days before she could completely shake the feelings. Just a nightmare is all it had been, a terrible vivid so very real nightmare brought on by fatigue, and her condition coupled with and intensified by her troubling relationship with Adam.

One late September day as she sat in the rocker on the porch soaking up the pale rays of autumn sunshine, eyes closed, her mind drifted over the days since her dream. A shadow fell over her face and she felt a blanket being placed over her. She did not acknowledge it right away. Instead she sighed and snuggled down. Then opened one eye.

AUh, it, umm . . .the air is gettinkinda chilly . . . I just thought . . . @

Adam smiled shyly, slightly embarrassed. Marie had noticed a subtle change in his attitude since that night. There was nothing open or obvious, just little things, like when she caught him watching her out of the corner of his eye when he thought she didn't see. There was no hostility, just a watchful, protective, comforting look.. She also found when she lost something it seemed to appear a lot faster, but when asked, all he would do was shrug. The wood box seemed to stay full more often, and when reminded about chores there was no dark scowl, just a nod and he went right to it. He actually could be detected hovering around her when there was nothing he needed to be doing.

They both were silent for a few moments longer; the fall air fluttered around them.

A I. . .I'm just gonna be over here choppin ' wood . . .in. in case you need me or. Or anything. @

He wiped his palms nervously on his thighs

AOkay, merci`, @ she smiled, closing her eyes only to once more have her serenity suddenly jolted by the feeling of the new life she carried. Marie lifted her head from the back of the rocker to look down on her abdomen. AOh, so you agree? @ She settled back again, with a great contented sigh now that the disturbance had stopped.

Yes . . . It was true . . . it always seems to be so dark just before dawn . . . But maybe this dark hour was headed for a most glorious new dawn, full of hope and love, leading to tomorrows and tomorrows that would continue to be better and better.

The End.

I apologies to any one who might be very upset over this story, But it is a fact of life, death, especially the death of a child and nightmares can and do have devastating effects on everyone.

I promise my next work will be of a lighter vein, so before you tar and feather me and ride me out of the reading room on a rail, remember this was as hard for me to write as it may have been for you to read.

Sincerely,

Sadie

The End

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