Thoughts, Ben’s
By DebbieB
It’s been nearly a month now since my oldest son, Adam and his lady friend,
Leilani, went their separate ways. I won’t lie and say that I’m broken up
inside because of their decision, because I’m not. Again, I’m not lying
when I say that right from the very beginning, I had my doubts about that
young woman. Not that I think my sons are above anyone else’s sons, but
I have always had a deep yearning for them to have the best. Not of worldly
things… ‘things’ don’t make people happy. True happiness comes from within,
yet, to be truly happy, men must have a sense of well-being that stems from
those around us. It’s hard to understand, I know and perhaps I’m not making
myself completely clear as to what I’m trying to say. Happiness is self
made…people around us add to or take away from that happiness. We need people
in our lives. People whom we love…and who love us in return. Unfortunately
though, there are those that come into our lives that are set on destroying
us from within and from outside. Like Adam and Leilani. She broke his heart.
He loved her in spite of the fact that he gave of himself from the deepest
core of his being. She didn’t care about him…only about what he could do
for her…she destroyed my son from within…but had he married her, she would
have also destroyed him from outside. He would have given her the world…because
that is how deeply my eldest son gives of himself, once he’s found that
special someone that he deems worthy of giving of himself to.
Had Leilani remained in the picture of Adam’s life, in his mist, her presence would have cost him, his home…his family…his pride and dignity…and maybe even his own life. I’m sorry to berate the young woman so badly, but I’ve lived a very long time and I’ve experienced just about every type of woman out there in the world. I know Leilani had a shaded past…and I won’t pretend that it didn’t affect my trust in her, it certainly did, but only because my son was involved. I don’t usually listen to idle talk, but this time the talk came from some of my dearest, closest…and even lifelong friends, who knew the facts. And I checked them out…every last thing that all these people were telling me, was true.
I could have chosen to present the facts to my son, but I chose not to. Adam is not a youngster, like Little Joe…and he is not usually gullible like Hoss. I have complete trust and faith in Adam. I was sure, beyond a doubt that he would in time, see through her mock gentleness, her lady-like mannerisms and her soft-spoken voice. Love is blind, they often say. A wolf in sheep’s clothing…a…she-devil…hell bent on getting what she wanted, when she wanted and how and how much she wanted. I’ve been in love many times at different stages of my own life, but never…never…have I allowed myself to be so blinded…as totally blind-sighted…as Adam allowed himself to be in this instance. It was a shame…it broke my heart to see him in such a state of despair, so sad…so unhappy. Yet I kept my mouth shut. I had to. Do you realize what damage I could have done to our relationship had I said to my son, ‘I told you so’? No…I’d never do that to him, or to Hoss or Little Joe not when they’ve given the most valued part of themselves to another human being. It would have destroyed any pride, any trust that my son had ever held in his heart for his father. It would have been more devastating to him than what ‘she’ had done to him. I couldn’t, nor would I, do that to my beloved son.
It is extremely hard for a father to stand back and watch how another person causes the walls of humility, in one of their own, to be crushed and then crumble and not speak out in defense of our own loved one. When Adam was a boy, I never stood back and watched as someone else tried to destroy my son…in any fashion. But then as Adam grew older and struggled with himself into manhood, I realized that there were times that I’d have to back off and allow my son to make the calls that would determine his lot in life. I had to recede into the background so that my son could emerge from boyhood into manhood and be proud of who he was and of what kind of man he had become. Adam has done that. He’s a fine man, a good man…an honest man and I as his father could not be prouder of those facts than what I am right now.
Time heals all wounds. I did tell my son that, just the other night. He looked at me with sadness lingering in his eyes as he agreed with me. He said though, ‘sometimes, Pa…it takes a very long time…and I’ve an idea that this is gonna take me a very long time to get over…her’. I understood what he meant. God knows I’ve suffered heartaches of my own. And I know that at times like this…when a man gives his heart away, that the time to heal seems like a lifetime. But I assured Adam that it would happen and that it was even possible that one day he’d look up and some other young woman would appear seemingly out of nowhere and he’d realize that the hurt, the pain…the loneliness would suddenly be gone and he’d wonder where and when had it disappeared. Life is for the living…remember that, I muttered to him. Those that come into our lives and those that go out of our lives do so for a deeper purpose than perhaps we were meant to understand. We’re only human…only men I said softly.
Adam’s smile began slowly and then he turned and looked at me. I saw, for the first time in weeks, a gleam…a glitter of hope spring into his eyes. He laughed softly in his gentle manner and nodded his head.
“I know, Pa,” he uttered, “but sometimes…I wish…I wish I were still a little boy…is that fair? I mean is it fair of me, as a man to want to miss this kind of hurt…or to prolong being hurt as such?”
It was an honest question. I knew he expected an answer…so I tried my best.
“Son…Adam…a man cannot live his life…his entire life…without being hurt. Life isn’t always a bed of roses…it cannot always be the way we want it to be. If it were…if we never experienced a little hurt or unhappiness along the way…however would be capable of true appreciation of what goodness the Lord gives to us. It is our responsibility to accept the bad along with good in life and learn from the lessons that such experiences offer to us. It is what builds character, it is what determines how we behave and how we respond to others…how we respond to God. Is it fair to want to be excluded from such inner pain? Would you really want to be, Adam? Haven’t you learned anything from all of this?”
“Yes…”
“What?”
I saw the boy’s lips straighten and tighten.
“I learned that when a person loves another…the other may not always return that love. I learned that love is highly valued by some and not so valued by others. Therefore, the next time…I will tread more slowly before I commit my heart to another…because I learned that honestly and respect is a must…but must not be misused.” He paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before continuing.
“And…I learned that no matter how badly I mess up, I have a father and two brothers who will always stand with me and who will never give up on me…I’ve learned…how much my family respects me and how much I respect my family…and depend on all of you. I’ve learned, Pa…that someday…I want exactly what you’ve got…a family like ours…”
I could barely speak, the lump in my throat threatened to choke off my words. But none was needed, I slipped my arm about Adam’s broad shoulders and together, we walked into the house.
Little Joe and Hoss stood in silence as we entered, looking a bit worried. Obviously they had been talking amongst themselves. Adam laughed, brushing off the awkward moment as he rubbed his hands together and practically shouted at them……..
“I don’t know about the two of you…but I’m starving…let’s eat!”
I watched the fearful expressions slowly dissipate and be replaced with broad grins. Hoss laughed out loud, Little Joe giggled in his boyish manner as I glanced upward and whispered a quick prayer to God for the goodness of His love…and for the pain that had once again brought my family closer…for together, through the grace of the Almighty, we, Adam, Hoss, Little Joe and myself had weathered yet another storm.
Ben Cartwright