A QUESTION OF GUILT

“You boys all ready to leave?” Ben asked Joe and Adam who were mounted on their horses. “If you’d rather stay I have some work you could do,” Ben said jokingly.

Adam and Joe looked at one another. “I think we’d better go Joe,” Adam said.

“You lead the way brother,” Joe replied.

“Hey you two think of me while you’re out having fun and I’m stuck here with Pa,” Hoss said.

“Yeah we sure will,” Adam replied. The two brothers rode off. Hours later they stopped at the bottom of a mountain. “I think this would be a good place to make camp,” Adam said.

“Yeah it looks good me and even better to my backside. Boy it is tired after riding all this time,” Joe said as he rubbed his behind.

“Yeah I know what you mean,” Adam replied as he rubbed his as well.

“Sure feels good just to relax and get away from work for a few days doesn’t it Joe?” Adam asked.

“It sure does older brother,” Joe replied.

After dinner the two brothers sat back and relaxed. “This is the life ain’t it Adam?” Joe asked.

“Yeah that’s for sure. No work. No Pa giving orders. Boy these last few weeks he’s been a slave driver,” Adam replied.

“Huh. I’ll tell you I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep and I plan to wake up when I feel like it in the morning,” Joe said.

Just then the two brothers heard a mountain lion. Where do you think he is?” Joe asked. Adam stood listening closer. I think it’s coming from the north,” he replied. Joe stood and listened. “I’d say it’s more like from the east. How about you go north and I’ll go east and we’ll see if we can find him?” Joe asked.

“Joe are you crazy? It’s getting dark. It’s not wise to hunt a mountain lion in these conditions,” Adam said.

“Oh come on older brother. You’re sounding like an old woman. Come on it’ll be light for at least a half an hour yet. Tell you what. We’ll both meet back here in half an hour. How’s that?” Joe asked.

Adam shook his head. “Well it’s against my better judgment but all right we’ll meet back here in half an hour. No later understand? I don’t want to have to go out looking for you,” Adam replied reluctantly. He knew his younger brother and knew he wouldn’t be able to let it go until he went out looking for the mountain lion.

“See you in half an hour Adam,” Joe said as he headed off. Adam headed off towards the north. He could hear the mountain lion but he wasn’t really in the mood to go after him. He would have preferred to stay in camp and rest. Adam walked around fifteen minutes. It was beginning to get dark and he was tired. He laid his rifle on the ground and stretched. Moments later the mountain lion came into Adam’s view unexpectedly. He knew he couldn’t reach for his gun or the mountain lion would attack him. He raised his arms up over his head to make himself appear larger to the mountain lion hoping to scare him off. He swallowed hard knowing what would undoubtedly happen to him if this old hunting trick didn’t work. Also if he couldn’t reach down and get his rifle before he was attacked. Adam heard a shot. It was Joe. He must have seen what was happening. Adam couldn’t see Joe. It was getting too dark. He heard the mountain lion howl in an odd way and hoped Joe had gotten him. The mountain lion started to run towards Adam. He heard a shot and then another. At first he didn’t know what had happened. At first he thought the mountain lion had gotten him but realized that he had been shot instead. Adam fell to the ground. His hands clenching the wound in his belly. The pain was unbearable as well as the burning inside from the bullet.

“Adam?” he heard Joe yell as he ran towards him. “Adam,” Joe said as he knelt down beside his brother. “Adam I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t see you,” he said lifting up his brother’s head and placing it in his lap and stroking his hair. “I didn’t mean to Adam,” he said.

“Joe it’s OK. I know you didn’t mean to. I know just like I didn’t mean to shoot you that time. Joe,” Adam said with pain in his voice. He fell unconscious.

“Adam?” Joe said. He laid Adam’s head down and with the light left checked the wound. He had to get Adam back to camp where there was light from the fire. Joe walked up to the mountain lion kicking him. He was dead. That was one less thing Joe had to worry about. Joe now knew how Adam must have felt when he shot him by mistake.

Joe drug Adam back to camp. Blood falling on the ground once in awhile from his wound. He stopped halfway there and took out his hankie. He placed it atop Adam’s wound and pressed down firmly hoping to stop some of the bleeding. He drug him the rest of the way and set him down before the fire. His brother was still unconscious. Joe worried he had lost too much blood. He opened his coat and then his shirt. Joe winced when he saw the wound. “Oh God please let my brother live. Please let him live. I didn’t mean to shoot him. Please,” he said looking up at the sky.

Joe dug around and finally retrieved the bullet. He took some of the whiskey he had snuck with him and cleaned out the wound with it. Joe then went over to his saddlebag and pulled out one of the extra shirts he had brought. He ripped up the shirt and wrapped it around Adam’s stomach.

Joe listened for every breath Adam took that night. He kept waiting for the next breath. Terrible things kept going through his mind as he listened for each breath. What would happen if his brother died? How would he ever be able to live with himself? How would his father or Hoss ever be able to look at him again. All these things he now knew his brother must have been feeling when Adam shot him. Joe sat back against a rock. He heard Adam make some moaning noises. Joe rushed to his side. “Adam? Can you hear me Adam?” Joe asked.

“Joe,” Adam replied weakly. Joe got the canteen and held his brother’s head up. He poured a small amount of water carefully into his mouth. Adam coughed some. “It’s all right Adam. You’re going to be all right,” Joe said with fear in his voice.

“Joe,” Adam said grabbing Joe’s left shirt sleeve with his hand. “Not going to make it. Don’t blame yourself. Not your fault. Promise me you won’t blame….” Adam said.

Joe looked at him and developed tears in his eyes. “I don’t ever want to hear you say you aren’t going to make it. You understand me Adam? You’re no quitter and by God you aren’t going to quite now. You can’t quit Adam. You’re my brother and I love you. Adam I won’t let you die,” he said putting his head down on Adam’s chest and crying. Adam brought his right hand up to Joe’s head and stroked his hair. “I love you too. Remember me always,” Adam said. His hand fell off Joe’s head and onto the ground.

“Adam?” Joe asked as he placed his hand on his chest to see if his brother was still breathing. Crying Joe kept calling his brother’s name over and over again. “Adam,” Joe called one more time before sitting down. He realized his brother was dead and that he’d killed him. If only he hadn’t insisted on going after that damn mountain lion so late at night. It was his fault. There was nobody to blame for his brother’s death but himself.

Joe lifted Adam’s body up and put him over the back of Sport. He tied him so he wouldn’t fall. He covered him so he wouldn’t have to look at his dead body as he made the journey home. Joe moved to the front of Sport and took his head and hugged it. “I’m so sorry,” he said to Sport.

Joe bowed his head crying. He mounted Cochise and held onto Sport’s reigns. How would he break it to his Pa? To Hoss? How would he ever be able to live with himself again? How would he ever be able to walk past Adam’s bedroom door again. How would he ever do so many things again that he took for granted? How would he be able to look at Adam’s empty chair at the table?

By mid-morning he was back home. He tied Cochise and Sport up to the hitching post and went inside. His father and Hoss were sitting around the fireplace. “Well young man, Hoss and I were taking a break from all the chores we’ve had to do filling in for you and Adam being gone. You two decide to come home and take your rightful place beside us?” Ben joked.

Hoss and Ben looked closer at Joe. He wasn’t laughing at his father’s joke but crying. “Pa I didn’t mean to. I swear Pa I didn’t mean to. Please forgive me,” Joe cried. He went down to the floor on his knees. “Oh dear God please forgive me Pa,” he cried. Ben and Hoss ran to his side. Ben took him in his arms. “Joe forgive you for what? Forgive you for what Joe?” Ben asked. Joe was so hysterical he couldn’t speak. Hoss ran outside for a few moments then came back inside. Ben noticed the look on his face. “Hoss?” he asked.

“Adam’s draped across Sport’s back Pa,” Hoss said.

“Hoss?” Ben asked again. Hoss shook his head.

“Dead? My Adam is - dead?” Ben said in shock. He stood and began to walk outside. “No Pa don’t. Don’t,” Hoss said.

“If my son is dead across that horse then I need to……”Ben said crying as he gathered all his strength and walked outside. He spotted the body laying across Sport. It took everything inside of him to walk over to his son or what had been his son. Ben closed his eyes tight as he took the final steps. Hoss came out with Joe. “I’m sorry Pa,” Joe kept saying by the front door. “Hoss cut Adam down and carry him up to his bed,” Ben said. Hoss cut him down and carried him up to his bed. As he lay him down Hoss broke down. He fell to his knees and sobbed against his brother’s bed. Ben came in and sat down next to his dead son. He looked so peaceful like he was asleep. He had seen others who had died look like they were asleep. Others just looked plain dead.

“Hoss go into town and get Doc Martin. Tell him what has happened. Tell him to get here with a sedative for Joe,” Ben said. Hoss rose and left the room. Joe came in. “I’m so sorry Pa,” he said.

“How did this happen Joseph?” Ben asked.

“I insisted on going after a mountain lion we heard last evening. Adam didn’t want to go but I insisted. He went to the north and I went where I thought he was. I came upon him ready to pounce on Adam. I saw Adam didn’t have his gun. That it was on the ground. I had to do something or he’d have killed Adam. I couldn’t let him kill Adam, Pa so I shot at the mountain lion. I didn’t see him go down so I shot two more times. I didn’t know I’d shot Adam. I didn’t mean to Pa. I’m so sorry Pa. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to,” Joe said collapsing on the floor.

Ben got up and took his son into his room placing him on his bed. His son seemed to be in shock. He placed him under the covers to keep him warm. Ben sat with Joe until the doctor and Hoss arrived. Joe kept asking his father to forgive him over and over again. There was nothing he or anybody else could do for Adam now. It made no sense to stay with him if Joe needed him.

When Doc Martin he went into Joe’s room and gave him a sedative. Joe fell immediately asleep. “I’ll stay with my son Paul. I think you know your way out,” Ben said.

“Ben I can take Adam to town if you’d like. Have the undertaker take care of him,” Paul said.

Ben shook his head. “I guess. I wanted to clean his body up myself but Joe needed me,” he said. Doc Martin closed his eyes. He could feel the pain Ben was trying to deal with. “Ben let me give you a sedative,” he said.

“No Paul. I have to be here for my son,” he replied.

“Ben, Joe’s going to sleep for a long time,” Paul said.

“No Paul. I need to be here for my son,” Ben said.

“I understand Ben,” Paul said placing his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “I’ll have Hoss help me get Adam’s body into my buggy,” Paul said wiping his nose and eyes.

Once outside the room Paul leaned against the closed door to Joe’s room. How his heart ached for his friend and his sons. He knew what a close family they were. How this tragedy was going to effect them. How none of their lives would ever be the same again. He saw Hoss standing by Adam’s closed door.

“Hoss would you be so kind as to help me move Adam’s body into my buggy?” Paul asked. Hoss fought back his tears. “Do you know how much I loved my older brother? Do you know how much a part of my life he has always been? Do you know Doc how I’m going to go to bed every night and wake every morning knowing he’s not in my life anymore. That he’ll never be in my life ever again?” Hoss asked.

Paul walked up to Hoss placing his hand on his shoulder. “I know Hoss,” he said.

“No you don’t know. You don’t know how it’s always been between Adam and me. What it’s like to be the ugly brother and have two handsome brothers,” he replied.

“Hoss you aren’t ugly,” Paul said.

“I know I ain’t handsome. Adam never once ever made me feel like I was anything but special. He never once made fun of me for my looks or the fact I wasn’t as smart as he was. He always treated me like someone special. His equal and now he’s gone,” Hoss said before he broke down.

“Hoss it’ll be all right. You’ll have your memories of your brother. That’s what’s wonderful about memories. Nothing, not even death, can take that away from us,” he said.

“Paul I know you’re trying to comfort me but believe me when I say that it ain’t helping me any. It’s just making it worse,” Hoss said.

“What can I do or say that will help you?” Paul asked.

“Let me have a moment alone with my brother. I need to say good-bye,” Hoss said crying again. Paul put his hand on Hoss’s arm. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be downstairs. Let me know when you’re done,” he said before walking towards the stairs.

Hoss opened his brother’s bedroom door. He wiped at his nose. He looked at his brother laying there so peaceful. He pictured him in his coffin laying like that for all eternity. Hoss kneeled down at the side of the bed. He put his head down. “Dear God please accept my brother Adam into Heaven. He’s, he was a good man. He always did what he thought was the right thing to do. He helped a lot of people God. A lot of people that nobody else ever helped before. I haven’t asked you for much God because I figured you had enough to keep you busy. Please do this one thing for me. Also please tell my brother that I love him and I miss him and I always will love and miss him. Oh my God,” Hoss said before breaking down.

Hoss felt someone touch his head. At fist he thought Doc Martin or his Pa had come into the room and were comforting him. Then he heard the weak voice say, “Don’t cry Hoss,” Hoss looked up into Adam’s open eyes. “Adam?” he asked.

“Hoss?” Adam asked weakly. Hoss stood and walked into the hallway. “Doc Martin?” he yelled as loud as he could. Paul ran up the stairs. “What is it Hoss?” he asked.

“Doc it’s Adam. It’s Adam. He talked and he touched me. I swear he did,” Hoss said grabbing the doctor by his sleeves in the hallway. The two men ran to Adam’s side. Doc Martin looked down at Adam. “Well young man you’ve given us quite a time. I guess that’ll teach me to take the word of non-doctors when they say someone is dead,” he said. Adam smiled then closed his eyes in pain. Paul began to examine his wound and Adam himself.

“Paul how can this be? He was dead. He didn’t appear to be breathing or nothing,” Hoss said.

“This happens sometimes Hoss. It happens to some people longer then others. It’s called a coma. Sometimes talking to the person they say can help. Maybe what you said to him brought him back,” Paul said.

Hoss looked up. “Maybe my talking to the right one brought him back to us,” he said. Hoss sat next to Adam on the bed holding his left hand as Doc Martin cleaned, stitched and bandaged his wound up. Hoss kissed his brother’s forehead. “I don’t care if it isn’t a man thing to kiss your brother or not . I’m just so dang glad to have you back older brother,” he said. Adam smiled.

“Now I want you to take it easy for awhile young man. No nothing strenuous for three weeks. You hear me?” he asked.

“Yes,” Adam replied weakly.

“Hoss you’re bigger then he is. You make sure he gets a lot of rest. I’m leaving him in your hands,” Paul said.

“You can believe I will Paul,” Hoss said.

“Pa? Joe?” Adam asked.

“Pa? By golly in all the excitement I forgot about Pa,” Hoss said as he rose heading towards the door. Hoss didn’t tell Ben why he was needed in Adam’s room. He wanted that to be a surprise. Ben walked in not wanting to go in very far. “Ben I’ll be sending you my bill for bandaging up this boy of yours. You be sure and keep him in bed and have him get plenty of rest,” Paul said.

“What?” Ben asked confused.

“He’s alive Pa. Adam he’s alive,” Hoss said looking at his Pa,

“He’s alive?” Ben asked confused.

“Ben I’ll explain it later to you. Right now I think Hoss and I should leave you alone with your son. Remember he’s still very weak so don’t keep him awake too long. I’ll be staying here a few days so I can be near him if he needs me. I’ll have one of your hands go into town and leave word that this is where I’ll if someone needs me,” Paul said before he and Hoss left the room.

Ben slowly sat down on the bed next to Adam. He took the covers off his son and saw where he was bandaged. “You gave us quite a scare young man. Your younger brother thinks he killed you,” he said.

“Pa,” Adam whispered.

“Adam try not to speak son. Save your strength,” Ben said as he stroked his son’s head. He pulled the blankets up to Adam’s shoulders to keep him warm.

“Pa I saw my mother,” Adam said.

“You saw your mother?” Ben asked.

“As plain as you are to me. She told me it wasn’t time for me to…..”Adam broke off before falling asleep. Ben sat on the chair next to his son’s bed and didn’t leave his side for the next few days. He felt not only did his son come back to life but so did he.

Joe had awoke hours later and was very relieved to hear Adam wasn’t dead. He refused to see him though. His guilt ate at him so much he couldn’t bear to face Adam.

A few days later Adam was doing better. He was still weak but each day little by little he could feel his strength returning. Doc Martin had gone back into town that morning leaving instructions with both Ben and Hoss on what to do for Adam. That afternoon after Adam’s nap Hoss came into see him.

“Anything I can get for you older brother?” he asked.

“Bring Joe to me,” Adam said.

“My pleasure,” Hoss replied walking out of the room. A few minutes later he returned carrying Joe. He placed Joe beside the bed and held him there. Joe looked down not wanting to look at his brother lying in the bed. Adam took Joe’s hand in his. “Joe I know how you feel. I’ve been there remember? I want my little brother back,” he said.

Joe felt tears coming to his eyes. “I’m so sorry Adam,” he said.

“Did you kill the mountain lion?” Adam asked.

“Yes,” Joe replied.

“You saved my life Joe. If you hadn’t shot him when you did he would have killed me. You saved my life. Thank you Joe,” Adam said.

“I guess I did didn’t I?” Joe asked blinking back his tears.

“I heard you draped me across Sport. Must have been tough a little guy like you putting a big guy like me over a horse like that huh?” Adam asked.

“It wasn’t easy but I was so glad it was you and not Hoss I had to do that with,” Joe replied.

“Hey what’s that supposed to mean?” Hoss asked taking his hands off Joe’s shoulders.

Adam tried not to laugh. “Boy that mountain lion would have had a feast with Hoss wouldn‘t he?” he joked.

“Yeah there would have been enough of him to last that mountain lion and his family for an entire month,” Joe said.

“And to think I ever cared about you two ungratefuls,” Hoss said as he walked out of the room. Hoss stopped in the hallway smiling. He was happy things were back to normal.

“Joe I guess you love me huh?” Adam asked.

“I guess I do. I just wish sometimes I weren’t my brother’s keeper,” he replied.

THE END

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