The Visit
by
Janice Sagraves

ONE

The big horned ram looked to the sky and sniffed the heavy air as the dark, lowering clouds swirled angrily overhead then carefully picked his way down the rocky slope. Other animals and birds were already taking shelter from what they sensed was coming and the insects were even taking notice as their chirping ceased. The mountains had become eerily silent as life prepared itself for what Mother Nature had in store for them.

++++

“Well, this is it,” Joe Cartwright said as he brought the buckboard to a stop in front of the house.

Verina Cadence’s full face glowed like a street lamp. She’d never seen a place as awe inspiring and ruggedly beautiful as this one, and her Joseph lived here. “Oh, Joseph, it’s fabulous. I can hardly believe that this is your home. Your description doesn’t even come close to this. And your father built it.”

“He had help,” Joe said as he sprang from the seat and came around and helped her down.

“Yes, you said that your brother designed it”

“So I’m told.”

They turned at the sound of Adam Cartwright’s crisp voice as he came toward them from the barn. It was just over a week since he’d returned home after being lost to his family for nearly a month. His memory was still a trifle sketchy and filled with gaps that were constantly being filled, though not as rapidly as at first. And he was only now beginning to get back into the routine of the running of the Ponderosa.

“Adam, you remember Mrs. Cadence.”

“I should say I do,” Adam said as he took her hand. “The gracious lady from the Banning’s. Verina I believe you said your name is. I’m glad you could come. It’s not often that we get such a charming guest.”

“Oh, posh,” she said and waved her other hand at him. “You’re the charmer here, not me.”

“All the same, I’m very glad to have you here. Joe’s told us a great deal about what you did for him, and this gives us the chance to say thank you. Pa’s inside but our other brother won’t be home until later today.” He hooked her arm in his and placed his hand over hers. Then a wicked glint came into his dark hazel eyes. “You can get the lady’s luggage, Joe.”

Joe sneered at him as they started toward the house.

As Adam and Mrs. Cadence came in her mouth fell agape. It was even more incredible inside than it was outside. “Oh, my goodness,” she said unable to contain her wonderment. “I didn’t know anything so rustic could be so splendid. And that fireplace isn’t to be believed.” Her eyes soaked up every inch of the parlor and dining room. “Well, I will say that this definitely is a man’s house. But I think a woman could be comfortable here.”

“And I think you will be. Now would you like for me to show you to your room?”

“I see you’re finally here,” boomed from the stairs.

“Mrs. Cadence, this is my father.”

As she looked around she couldn’t help her gasp. Now she knew why Joseph and Adam were so handsome and Adam resembled his father more than his brother did. This was a big, vigorous man that fit into this rugged country where he’d made his home and seen fit to raise his sons. As he drew closer she could see the traces of the ordeal he’d been through but he was still a very striking man.

Ben came to her with a broad, welcoming smile and firmly took her hand. “Welcome to our home, dear lady. You came into my youngest son’s life at a time when he needed a mother’s compassion and understanding and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. And we’ll be glad to have you for as long as you want to stay.”

Outside the sound of Mrs. Cadence’s trunks tumbling to the ground followed by a low, unintelligible curse from Joe turned Adam’s head. “If you’ll excuse me, I think I’d better go help him or he’ll be out there all night.” He gave her hand a pat. “I’ll leave you in my father’s capable hands.” Then he went back out.

She glanced after him. “They’re both fine young men, and I can hardly wait to meet your other son.”

“Hoss is helping a friend repair some wind damage to his house but he should be home by suppertime. Now I know you’re tired after your long trip and would like to freshen up so why don’t I show you to your room? Then I’ll see what’s holding up my sons.” He hooked her arm in his as Adam had and led her to the guest room just off the dining room.

++++

After the midday meal Joe had taken Mrs. Cadence out to show her around. They stood at the edge of the clearing where the house was, and she drank in the splendor that surrounded them like the headiest champagne.

“I can see why you love it here. I know it’s a rough way of life but when you look out onto something like this every day.” She sighed and felt his hand tighten on her arm. “I wish my Hiram had lived to see this,” she turned to him, “and to meet you and your wonderful family.”

“I’m sorry for that too. But say,” he started on a brighter note, “I have somebody I’d like to introduce you to.” Then he started practically dragging her across the yard.

“Joseph.”

They went into the barn and the first thing she noticed was the four fine horses in their stalls.

“What lovely animals. Which one’s yours?”

“The black-and-white one, his name’s Cochise. And the one next to him is Buck, he’s Pa’s. The grey Lee Haymes’ let Adam ride when he was working there. We don’t know his name or even if he has one.”

She found herself irresistibly drawn to the big red one on the end. “Then this one must be Adam’s,” she said as she began rubbing the blaze between his eyes. He struck up an immediate friendship with her and nuzzled her.

“You’re honored. Sport doesn’t usually make up that easily with strangers.”

“He’s a lovely horse,” she said as she stroked his velvety muzzle.

“They’ve been together a long time.” Joe ducked his head, and his cheery demeanor tarnished. He remembered the day Sport came home when they thought Adam was dead. The remembrance of his father crying against the animal’s neck assailed his mind, and he was helpless to fend it off. A soft touch on his arm made him look up.

She could see the ache in his warm green eyes and knew what was causing it. Memories of a painful time still stirred within him. Her Hiram had been gone for three years now and it yet caused her the same kind of pain. “Do you want to talk about it? You know I’m a good listener.”

“It’s nothing,” he said as he shook his head.

“Joseph, we maybe haven’t known each other that long but I do know you well enough not to believe that.” She put a hand against his cheek. “Won’t you talk to me, dear?”

“It’s what you’d expect. What we went through and having to watch Pa.”

“But there’s more to it than that, isn’t there?”

“Every time Adam’s out of my sight, if I don’t know that he’s all right and safe, it scares the wits outta me. Hoss and Hop Sing are the same and Pa’s even worse. Oh, maybe I don’t watch ‘im as close as I did at first but I still havta to know. I thought when he came home things’d go back the way they were but they haven’t.” He snorted. “And I’m beginning to think maybe they never will.”

“They will, Joseph. It’s only been a short time. You went so long believing he was gone from your life and you had to make yourself accept that. Then for you to suddenly find that he was alive and that he didn’t know you. And your father suffered like only a parent can. His son was dead, murdered brutally by someone he didn’t even know and then by some miracle his child is alive. All of you want to guard against something like that happening again, and it’s only natural that for a time you’re going to be wary and overprotective. But things will gradually begin to settle back to what they were and no one can say when.”

“But it’s happened before – two years ago. We’d just come off a cattle drive and were ready to head home. I’d decided to stay in town for a few days while Adam came on ahead” Regret laced his eyes. “He was robbed of the money from the sale of the cattle. I didn’t even know he was in trouble until three days later.” He looked at her, and his hands knotted. “Then I found Sport.” He patted the big chestnut on the neck. “They’d taken ‘im and sold ‘im. I followed ‘em to a place called Salt Flats, but when I got there the law had gotten to ‘em first. They’d been killed when they tried to shoot up the town.”

“What did you do then?”

“I wired Pa and Hoss and when they got there we picked up the search. We looked for days but only found a few traces. Pa was doing the same thing then, he wouldn’t eat, and he wouldn’t sleep or even rest. When we tried to get him to all he’d say was ‘Not till we find him.’ After two weeks we knew we weren’t going to, and we knew we had to get Pa home and move on with our lives.” He rubbed the heel of his hand between his eyes and forced himself to go on. “We were just about to turn back when we looked down and there he was. He was worn out and dirty and dragging a dead man behind him.” His anguish reached out to her as tears glistened in his eyes.

“Go on, Joseph.”

“He was ranting and didn’t recognize us or even his own name. Pa finally got through to him, and he just fell into our father’s arms. Even after we got ‘im home we thought we’d lost ‘im. He just sat around the house and stared at nothing and didn’t talk and hardly ate. And the screams in his sleep, when he did sleep, made your skin crawl. We thought he was losing his mind.”

“Did you find out what happened to him?”

“He’s never really talked about it much. In his nightmares all we could ever make out was ‘Kane’,” he said with a shake of the head. “Adam can be real closemouthed when he wants to. It took us a while to get over it that time too. But this was different. This time we thought we’d seen him dead. I touched that man and thought he was my brother, and Pa collapsed when he saw ‘im. Hoss, if you wantta believe it, got so he didn’t eat as much, especially biscuits.” He couldn’t miss her puzzled frown. “Adam loves biscuits. You might even say he’s famous for it. And Hop Sing was like a prison guard.” He turned to Sport and began stroking the satiny jowl. “Just yesterday we were working out here, and he hooked his foot in a rope somebody’d left layin’ around and fell into the oat bin.” His face darkened at the recollection, as he looked back at her. “It scared me to death. I got right to ‘im, and he said he was all right. I told ‘im he oughtta go in the house and rest but he said he was fine, and he didn’t need a nursemaid.” He snickered. “Kinda lost his temper, actually. I guess he gets tired of us making over him all the time. Adam’s always been the independent sort.”

“I’m sure he understands.”

“I hope he does because I’m not sure I do. I don’t know if any of us will ever get over it this time. I mean, sometimes Adam isn’t Adam. It’s like there’s a fifth member of the family that we’ve never met before.”

“Time, Joseph, it’s just going to take time. Much as we wish it, these things don’t right themselves overnight. Your brother experienced something that the rest of us can’t even begin to fathom. He was brutalized, nearly died, went for some time not knowing who he was, and a part of him still hasn’t come back. But I feel confident that just given time it will. Time heals all wounds, so they say.”

“I hope you’re right, Mrs. Cadence. I do so hope you’re right.”

He held onto her like a lifeline. He hoped she was right but he couldn’t’ get ahead of his unease. His arms squeezed around her. Maybe he was overacting and there was nothing to worry about but he couldn’t get over the stranger that he’d brought home with him.

TWO

Adam sat in his favorite chair reading. After returning home he wasn’t allowed to stray too far from the house. His father had been more comfortable with his staying close and with his memories of the area still hazy he’d had no problems acceding to his desires. As he turned the page he glanced over the top of the book. Mrs. Cadence sat on the end of the settee watching him as she demurely sipped her coffee.

He lowered the little volume and leaned back in the chair. “Have they enlisted you too in their campaign to keep me under close observation?”

“Feeling a little watched are we?” she asked with a delicate grin and tipped the cup to her lips.

“A little? I feel like the moon surrounded by four Galileo’s.”

She laughed wispily. This one was as witty as she’d suspected when she’d first met him at the Banning mansion. But there was a lost look in his eyes that conveyed a sense of confusion and misdirection, and it troubled her. “Well, it’s only because they care about you. If I could have my Hiram back I think for the first year I’d be content to just sit and look at him.”

“Oh, yes, that’s your husband. Joe told me about him. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. How long were you married?”

“Thirty-two years and while I wouldn’t change a thing about him, it wasn’t always a bed of roses. Hiram could be a bit of a stubborn mule.”

Adam raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to one side. “I’ve been called the same thing. Of course, I didn’t inherit all of it in the family, just the majority, I think.” He leaned forward and placed the book on the low table in front of the fireplace. “But then Joe’s probably already told you about that.”

“That first night in Bantree he told me a lot of things.”

Adam let his gaze wander over her. He got the distinct impression that she knew more about him than he did. Her penetrating pale gray eyes had a way of making him feel like he had no secrets from her. “Why do I get the impression that you’re harboring a sinister secret about me that could be used for blackmail purposes?” he said with a rakish grin.

She took a sip as a furtive light came into her eyes. “Maybe I just have that kind of face. But even if I am privy to that type of knowledge, I like to think I’m above that kind of chicanery. Still, it’s good to know, just in case.”

His grin broadened and white teeth flashed at her. And just when she thought this young man couldn’t be any more handsome or charming he showed her that he could without any problem. He still bothered her but she knew it had nothing to do with his personality.

“Tell you what,” he said as he went to the hearth. “I haven’t been away from the house since I got home, and I’m beginning to feel like a prisoner. So, how about tomorrow morning we go for a drive and I show you some of the Ponderosa? I think it’s about time I got to know it again, and you can learn with me. But,” and he held a finger to his lips and lowered his voice, “we won’t tell Pa, Joe or Hoss. They’ve been like mother hens ever since I got back, and I don’t get a whole lot of time to myself these days.” The single eyebrow rose again. “How about it?”

She felt almost indecent, like she had when she and Hiram were courting, and they would slip away together. Ben Cartwright’s eldest son fascinated her, and she wanted to know more about him. She took another dainty sip. “I’d be delighted, Mr. Cartwright. If you don’t think it will get us into too much trouble.”

“I’m not worried, and I think we could both use the adventure.” At the sound of the front door he looked past her, and his face lit up. “Hoss. Come in and meet our guest.”

“She’s here?”

Mrs. Cadence put her cup and saucer on the table and stood. As she turned around she came face-to-face with maybe the biggest man she’d ever seen. He towered over her like a mountain, and his hands were huge but the kind blue eyes looking down on her and the wide gap-toothed smile spoke for this bear of a man.

“Mrs. Cadence,” he said as he ran his fingers around the brim of his appropriately large hat, “Joe said you was comin’. I sure do hope you’re gonna like it here with us.”

“I know I will. It would be hard not to with so many attractive, captivating men around.”

“Now you’re fibbin’, ma’am. I know I ain’t so long on looks.”

“Quite the contrary,” she said as she took one of his immense hands. “I think you are very nice looking and would be quite a catch for any woman.”

“While you two finish getting acquainted I’m going to my room and get washed up for supper.” Adam stepped to her and took one of her hands and kissed it. As he did his eyes rose and met with hers. “And it’s Adam.”

She caught a devious gleam in the dark hazel watching her and wondered if his brother caught it. Then he turned and went upstairs, and she didn’t look away until he’d disappeared down the hall. Yes, Ben Cartwright’s eldest son fascinated her, and she was looking forward to their outing the next day.

++++

The brothers were sitting on the edge of the front porch looking out across the yard into the night. Joe and Hoss sat on either side of Adam as if protecting him from whatever could be prowling the darkness. Only the bugs and the wind twisting in the trees made any sound.

“Gonna rain tomorrow,” Hoss finally broke the quiet.

“Yeah,” Joe said as he looked up into the sky.

“An’ from the sound o’ the wind it’s gonna be a real gully washer.”

Adam still hadn’t moved or said a word. He seemed to be a million miles away in a place lost to them. Joe and Hoss looked at each other and simply shrugged.

“I’m still here,” came the rich baritone. “I’m just thinking.”

”About what?” Hoss asked.

Adam sat for several minutes in total silence just staring ahead. Then he abruptly slapped his brothers on the back. “Going to bed,” he said as he came to his feet. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said brightly as an ornery grin turned his lips. “If I decide I have to.” Then he gave them another slap and took himself across the end of the porch and went inside.

Hoss looked around at Joe as the front door closed behind them. “Who was that, Joe?”

“That’s right; I still haven’t introduced you to Stretch. That’s what the Haymes’ called him.”

“I just don’t git it, Joe. Sometimes he’s like Adam an’ others he’s this’un. I ain’t never seen the beat. It’s kinda scary.”

“I talked to Paul about it the other day when he came to check on ‘im, and he said it’s nothing to worry about. He said that when all of Adam’s bad memories were gone there was nothing there to hold ‘im back. That he could just be who he was. At least, that’s what he thought. And now that they’re coming back the Adam we know has come with ‘em.”

Hoss’ nose wrinkled, and his mouth scoonched up. “You mean, that the Adam called Stretch is the real Adam an’ the one we know ain’t?”

“Something like that.”

“Uh-uh, I still don’t git it.”

Joe put his hand on his brother’s shoulder and squeezed. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t either.”

THREE

Adam slapped the reins against the backs of the team as the buckboard moved along a dirt road that cut through the edge of a meadow about a mile from the house. The sky was menacingly gray and overcast and an occasional rumble of thunder filled the air but he seemed totally oblivious to the threat.

Mrs. Cadence sat next to him, her face rosy with excitement as they moved through some of the most beautiful country she’d ever seen. When her Hiram had died she’d forgotten what it was like to live and hadn’t found out again until she’d met Joseph Cartwright. She’d seen and done things and met people that she hadn’t expected in the West. And now here she was sitting next to his oldest brother and feeling an exuberance that she’d thought long dead in her. But she was finding out that it was only dormant, and it had taken this wild country and the people that inhabited it to be awakened.

“Enjoying yourself?” he asked above the drumming of the horse’s hooves and the clatter of the wheels.

“I’m having a wonderful time but don’t you think that maybe we should head back?” She cast her eyes briefly to the grayness overhead. “It looks like we could get caught in a deluge.”

“Why? You’re not afraid of getting wet, are you? Besides, I think we’ll be long back before that lets go.” He snapped the reins again and the horses picked up speed.

“Not of the rain, but it might is be a good idea to slow down just a little?”

“All right,” he said with a sympathetic grin and brought them to a sprightly trot. “Better?”

She nodded. “If you don’t think we’re going to get caught in the rain, why are you in such a hurry?”

“I thought maybe you might be getting hungry. We have been gone for a bit, and I had Hop Sing pack us a basket. And I thought I could find a nice spot to eat.”

“I’m still filled with breakfast, but I’ll let you know.”

“Fair enough.”

He slowed the horses even more, and she settled into the seat.

++++

Ben had started down the stairs when Hoss came into the house. Joe had just gone to Mrs. Cadence’s room and was in the process of knocking.

“Pa, the buckboard an’ horses’re gone.”

“Gone?” Ben said as he came on into the parlor. “Well, maybe one of the men took it.”

Joe spoke her name but when his knock wasn’t answered he slipped into the room.

“Nope, I asked. They said they don’t know who took ‘em.”

Joe burst out of the guest room obviously agitated. “Pa, I can’t find Mrs. Cadence. I’ve looked everywhere, and I haven’t seen her since breakfast.”

A thought came to Ben, and he glanced from one son to the other. “When have you seen your brother?”

“I ain’t seen him since breakfast either, now that you bring it up,” Hoss said.

“Hop Sing!” Ben bellowed.

The little cook appeared from the kitchen, drying his hands on his apron.

“Have you seen Adam or Mrs. Cadence lately?” Ben asked.

Hop Sing looked at each one of them before answering. “They not here. They take buckboard and go for drive. Mista Adam have Hop Sing make up basket then say not to tell anyone for maybe hour. Now hour over.”

“You still should o’ told us Hop Sing,” Hoss said with a frown.

“Mista Adam say he break Hop Sing’s neck then he wink.”

Ben suddenly went cold. His son had gotten away from them, and they didn’t know where he was. “All right, Hop Sing,” he was barely able to choke out.

Joe and Hoss watched as their father went ashen before them. Since what had happened Ben had become nervous and vigilant and easy to panic where their brother was concerned. They knew that the fear of losing Adam again was ever present in his mind, and they knew it well for they shared it, though maybe not to the extent their father did.

“Now, Pa,” Hoss said as he placed a comforting hand on his father’s shoulder, “we don’t know that Adam’s in any kind o’ trouble, so don’t go barrowin’ none. Both me ‘n Joe’s noticed him gittin’ restless for the past two or three days, an’ I guess he just needed to git away from us for a while.”

Ben could feel the fear closing in on him and threatening to strangle him. He didn’t really hear what was being said to him. All he was aware of was that Adam was gone, and he had no idea where.

“Mrs. Cadence had no way of knowing that you didn’t allow him to go off on his own away from the house,” Joe put in. “And you know what a smooth talker Adam can be when he wants to.”

“That’s right,” Hoss added. “He could cajole a squirrel right out of a tree an’ into a skillet.”

“Find him,” Ben said softly, staring straight ahead. “Find him and bring him home.”

“Don’t worry about it, Pa, we will,” Joe said as he darted for the door.

Hoss gave him a reassuring squeeze then went out after his little brother.

All kinds of bleak thoughts flitted trough Ben’s head, and he was helpless to stop them. And with them came images that augmented the dread already running rampant inside him. He’d lost Adam once, and the thought of it happening again seized him like a giant fist that threatened to crush him. For he knew that this time it would in all likelihood be permanent, and that he knew he couldn’t handle. “Find him,” he said quietly as he clasped his hands together in front of him. “Please, let them find him safe and well and bring him home.”

++++

The sky had become just the color of charcoal and Adam found himself forced to pay attention. He turned the buckboard around as day turned to night and lightning flashed in accompaniment to the thunder’s symphony. He knew he had to find shelter fast and getting wetted was the least of his worries.

“We’ve got to find a place to ride this out this because we’re never gonna make it back home,” he said as he urged the horses to pick up speed. “If memory serves me right there should be a house not too far past the fork.”

“Are you sure?”

He gave her a lopsided grin. “These days I’m not sure of much of anything but we’ll soon find out.” He slapped the reins again, and the team continued their mad dash. “Hang on.”

Mrs. Cadence gripped the seat, and her fingers knotted against the weathered wood; she wasn’t eager to be precipitated out onto the hard ground. She looked to the young man next to her furiously driving the horses and felt the greatest confidence in him. She hadn’t known him long but she trusted him to look out for her. Her eyes went heavenward and the ominous swirling and streaks of light made her pulse quicken. He’d been right about their urgent need to get inside and away from this. She’d seen a man that had been struck by lightning once when she was a teenager and it had never left her. Her eyes went back to Adam and away from the dark entity that seemed intent on catching them.

FOUR

Adam brought the team to a halt in front of an obviously abandoned house just as the rain let go with tremendous force. He helped her down and got her inside then took the horses and the buckboard to the barn.

A thick layer of dust coated everything and cobwebs hung from corners and what little bit of furniture had been left behind. She ran a finger along a windowsill and it came away grimy. It wasn’t much but it was shelter from what raged outside.

This had once been someone’s home and to see it as it was saddened her. She wondered what had become of whoever had lived here and what had made them leave. Had they left of their own accord or had they been forced away? It didn’t matter but it teased at her sense of curiosity. She stepped to the stone fireplace and found a lamp on the mantle that still had oil in it.

She whirled around as Adam burst in with the basket. He slammed the door and leaned back against it, puffing.

“Oh, you’re soaked to the skin.”

“I’m lucky I didn’t drown,” he gasped.

Thunder boomed and shook the windows, and they cast their eyes to the ceiling.

“It’s gonna be a while before we can start back because it’s for certain we can’t go out in this.” He took a deep breath and let it out heavily. “So we might as well make ourselves at home. Would you like to see what Hop Sing packed for us? I don’t know about you but I could eat one of Hoss’ bears.”

“I think I could eat something.”

He found a rickety table on its side against a wall and sat it near the middle of the room then put the basket on it. Then he took off the battered old hat Lee Haymes had given him and dropped next to it. His face drew into a scowl as he looked about him. “It doesn’t look like there’s any chairs.”

“I don’t mind the floor.”

“And get that nice dress dusty and dirty?” His eyes lit on a stool peaking out from behind a crate in the corner. He retrieved it and brought it to the table and brushed it off with his hand. “Would you care to be seated, madam?” he said with a very proper English accent as he extended his hand out.

“Thank you very much, sir.”

He pulled it out for her as she eased her ample figure down onto it, then he began delving into the basket. “We have fried chicken, and Hop Sing does the best I’ve ever eaten, I think.” He took out a plate draped in a red-and-white cloth and sat on the table. “Bread.” This he placed next to it. Then he came out with two large red apples and put with the bread. “And the pièce de résistance.” He came out with a long green bottle. “Do you like Chablis?”

“I adore it but what made your cook think of that?”

He gave her a wry look as he scrounged into the basket. “He didn’t, this was my idea. Good company and good food requires a good wine, don’t you think?” He soon came out with two stemmed glasses. “And fine wine must always be taken from fine crystal.” He lightly tapped their rims against one another and their musical ping floated into the air.

He proceeded to work the cork from the bottle with his thumbs then filled one of the glasses and handed it to her. She watched as he filled his own and held it out in front of him.

“Here’s to new friends and old memories. Some are easier to come by than others.”

She never looked from his face as they drank to his toast. The look in his eyes that had troubled her from the night before was back.

++++

Hoss and Joe blustered back into the house, noisily slapping the rain from their hats and slickers. Ben came out of the red leather chair as the blood drained from his face, and his eyes blackened.

“What’re you doing back here? Why aren’t you still looking?”

“It was too hash to go on, an’ we decided it was best to come on back.”

“But he’s still out there.”

“An’ it wouldn’t do him no good for us all to git lightnin’ struck. And besides, that rain is comin’ down so hard we almost didn’t find the house.”

“Pa, if I know Adam,” Joe finally spoke up, “he’s probably safe and dry someplace.”

“And what if he’s not? What if he’s lying out somewhere in this, maybe pinned under the buckboard? What if…”

“Pa, all the ‘what ifs’ an’ ‘maybes’ we can think up ain’t gonna help nothin’ an’ they sure ain’t gonna make this storm stop.” Hoss went to his father and eased him back down into the chair. “So you might as well just try an’ calm yourself down before you go an’ git sick.”

“Hoss is right, Pa. This isn’t helping Adam one bit. Why don’t I just get the fire started, and you try not to worry? Adam’s always been pretty good at taking care of himself. And this time he’s got Mrs. Cadence with him, and I know he’ll want to protect her.”

Joe crouched in front of the hearth and began building the fire. His words had been full of confidence and reassurances but he wasn’t. What if Adam didn’t know where to go? What if he and Mrs. Cadence were out in this? What if Pa was right? Joe crumpled a piece of paper and placed on the top log and then put a lit match to it. He watched as the flames blossomed and grew, and he hoped that his brother and Mrs. Cadence were safe.

++++

The blaze crackled and snapped in the fireplace and glinted in the contents of the wine glass. Adam sat in the floor, his legs crossed in front of him, and Mrs. Cadence was still on the stool. Chicken bones littered the table top, and the bottle was about three-quarters full, and the bread was all but gone. She hadn’t eaten her apple but Adam was working on his.

“That was one of the most enjoyable and satisfying meals I think I’ve ever had. And I think the company had a lot to do with it. The Cartwright men certainly do make delightful dinner companions.”

“Well, I think the lady we happen to be with has a lot to do with it,” and he crunched into the apple.

Her laugh came like a spring breeze. “I say give credit where credit is due. I had nothing to do with the charm that Ben Cartwright passed on to his sons.”

“That’s not the only thing he passed on,” he started with a snicker, “and if you stay around long enough you’re liable to run across those attributes too. If you want to call them attributes.”

“Like stubborn independence and pride?” she said as she picked up the bottle.

“Among other things.” He finished the fruit and tossed the core into the fire. “And when you get to know me better maybe…” But a flash of light beyond the side window and a horrendous explosion cut him off.

Adam knew the sound – lightning had struck something and close by. But he didn’t have time to think about it as he heard the sound of splintering wood. He looked around and saw what was happening as more lightning lit the distance. Suddenly, the house shook around them and the ceiling began to give way. “Look out!” he shouted and dove for her. Grabbing her, they both hit the floor by the hearth as a large tree crashed in, crushing the table and the stool.

Mrs. Cadence slowly sat up as dust and leaves and other debris sifted down around her. Rain blew in and the wrath of the storm was no longer separated from them. She coughed and fanned the air in front of her. “That was close. If you hadn’t…” she said on another cough as she looked around at him. But she didn’t finish as she went chalky. “Adam.”

He lay perfectly still on his left side facing her, and his eyes were closed. Her fingers trembled as she lightly touched his shoulder. “Adam, dear, are you all right?”

“I think I broke something,” he said hoarsely without moving or looking at her.

A breath rushed in through her teeth as her hand went to her mouth. “Your arm?” Her eyes traced to his chest then back to his face. “Some ribs?”

He began digging under himself then with a grunt came out with the neck of what was left of the bottle. His heavy lids raised and his eyes turned up to her. “The Chablis.”

She stifled a snort but it couldn’t be denied and turned into a laugh. He threw the piece of green glass back over his head into the fireplace as he turned onto his back. With that their laughter competed with the howling of the storm and brought life to the shambles of the wrecked house.

FIVE

Ben Cartwright stood in the open doorway looking out into the black, storm-ravaged day, and his mind went back to another black day. His fingers dug into the doorjamb, and his eyes pinched together as the sound of the wagon coming into the yard harassed his mind. But that was no defense for now he could see plainly the body that he’d thought was his son’s. And then the worst day of all – the day he’d thought he’d seen his son buried.

If only he could fight off the overwhelming dread that was building inside him. He looked out across the yard and knew what he had to do – he had to go find his son.

But as his right foot crossed the threshold Hoss’ gentle voice came up behind him. “Where you goin’, Pa?”

“To find my son.”

Hoss gripped his arm securely. He hadn’t seen Pa like this since the day of his older brother’s return, and he knew that not knowing where Adam was and if he was all right was torturing their father. He’d never forget the shadow of a man Pa had become through that terrible period. And he knew he never would. “You cain’t go out in that, Pa. What’ll Adam say when he gits home an’ we havta tell ‘im you got yourself lost tryin’ to find ‘im. You don’t wantta give ‘im somethin’ to feel guilty over, do you?”

Ben knew Hoss was right but he couldn’t just stand there and do nothing. He turned around, and he remembered the night Hoss had come to him and told him that Adam was still alive and coming home. But his son couldn’t tell him that now, and it was devouring him. “Hoss, I have to do something. I can’t stand around and not do anything.”

“You can do what the rest of us are doin’ an’ wait for this weather to break. I know that ain’t easy but that’s the way it’s gotta be. We cain’t help ‘im if’n were layin’ out cold as a fish.”

“I know that but not knowing where he is or even if he’s… still alive.”

Joe left the settee and came to stand next to his brother. “Why don’t you come on over and sit down by the fire, and I’ll get you some coffee?”

“Brandy, I want the brandy. And bring the carafe.”

Joe and Hoss exchanged quick, concerned looks.

“No, Pa,” Joe went on forcefully. “Coffee’ll be better. You need to keep your thinking clear for Adam’s sake.” He took a strong hold on his father’s shoulder. “He needs for you to be the head of the Cartwright family again…. And so do we.”

Ben let himself take in his sons: Hoss, the sturdy glue that bound the family together and Joe, his rock through this. He hadn’t been there for them much as of late, and he could read in their faces that they needed him to be. With a faint smile he reached out to them, and they gripped his hands in strong, warm grasps and it bolstered his waning strength. The family needed to heal, and Ben knew that it had to start with him. “Coffee’ll be fine, Joe.”

++++

Adam and Mrs. Cadence burst into the ramshackle barn, breathless and more than a little wet. She had the lamp from the mantelpiece held close and the chimney top covered with her hand to keep as much rain from it as she could. The horses, safe and dry in their stalls, raised their heads at the intrusion. Adam closed the doors and fastened them shut as she tried slapping her skirt dry.

“We’ll be a lot drier out here.” But the words had no sooner left his mouth when a drop hit him in the top of the head. His mouth set, and he slowly looked up and another one caught him between the eyes.

She put her fingers to her lips to muffle a snigger.

He looked back to her as he ran a hand over his face. “Well, maybe a little.”

She sat the lamp on the still wet buckboard seat as he came over to her. As she turned to him she caught his distress as he looked down at her. “What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t hurt you when I jerked you to the floor, did I? I certainly didn’t mean…”

“Oh, posh. I’m made of sturdier stuff than that. And you were a lot easier on me than that tree would have been.”

The lone eyebrow raised, and he gave a slight nod. “You’re right, but I hate the thought that maybe I hurt you. That’s the last thing I’d wantta do.”

His haunting eyes reached inside her, and she was only now beginning to see a small part of what he’d experienced. And she felt herself being drawn to him as she had been with Joseph. She had a penchant for wanting to help others and this young man needed her maybe more than his brother had.

Her presence comforted, and he pushed away the anxiety that was trying to close in on him. He liked to imagine that this was what it would have been like if his mother had lived. Or even Inger or Marie. Then he jerked himself out of it and began scrounging around. “There ought to be a crate or a stool or something you can sit on.”

“I still don’t mind the floor,” she said as her eyes followed him.

“Not if I can help it.” He went into an empty stall but came right back out with nothing. “Of course there’re worse things.”

For several seconds he didn’t move with his back to her. Something was bothering him that hadn’t been there in the house. In fact, he’d kept it well hidden until now. Then a stray thought came to her. “Is it the barn?”

He looked around at her, and his trapped eyes gave her a momentary start. Since meeting him she hadn’t seen him look so caught and alone.

“It’s just a barn, it doesn’t mean anything to me,” he said with a shrug. Then he went silent for a minute before resuming his search with a jerk.

“Joseph told me about that first night in the Haymes’ barn.”

“Don’t I have any secrets from you? Did Joe tell you everything? And if you’re trying to get me to talk I really wish you wouldn’t.” He spun away from her and his shoulders drooped. “Maybe I can find a hay bale. It won’t be a feather bed but…” and he stopped again, and his hands clenched. “I’m gonna see if I can find anything in the loft.”

He started up the ladder but had only gotten about half way when one of the rungs broke as he took hold of it. To her horror, his feet lost their purchase, and he caught with the other hand. He couldn’t hang on but it was enough to break his fall. She screamed his name as he fell to the hard packed floor and landed on his back.

Instantly on her knees at his side, she brushed his hair back from his face. Silently, she watched as his eyes slowly opened and met with hers. She had never seen such pain and torment and fear in one person in her life. But then she’d never known anyone who’d been through what Adam Cartwright had. And it wasn’t over yet.

++++

The storm showed no signs of abating anytime soon, though it wasn’t quite as dark, and Ben was having trouble keeping a tight rein on himself. He’d taken to pacing back and forth in front of the hearth like a nervous animal but it only augmented his apprehension. He stopped dead as a blast of thunder seemed to jar the world, and his fingers sunk into the back of the tall blue chair. Why, of all days, had Adam chosen this one to go out?

Joe and Hoss sat side-by-side on the settee watching their father’s restless stalking. They knew it would do no good to tell him to sit down and talk would only be wasted at this point and mainly because neither knew what to say.

Mouthwatering aromas came from Hop Sing’s kitchen as supper moved right along. But the thought of food was repellent to Ben right now. How could he possibly think of eating when he didn’t know where his son was and what kind of shape he was in? For all he knew he could be dead or dying right now. He stopped in front of the fireplace and looked down onto the flames. “Stop it, Ben Cartwright,” ran through his head, “it’s not like you to give up on any one of your boys. Oh, please, Dear Lord, let him be all right.”

A knock came at the door and Ben spun around and the color drained from his face. With a glance at him Hoss got up to answer it. Joe came to stand next to his father just in case. Hoss’ low exchange with whoever was outside came to their ears but they couldn’t make out any of the words.

After several seconds Hoss turned to get his hat and slicker. “It ain’t nothin’, Pa, just some trouble out in the bunkhouse.”

“You’d tell me if it was something else, wouldn’t you, son?”

Hoss’ mouth spread comfortingly. “Yeah, Pa, I’d tell ya.” Then he went out and pulled the door together behind him.

Ben turned back to the fire and watched its frenetic flickering as spurts of air made if down the chimney. He tried to hold off his dire imaginings but it was difficult, at best. It hadn’t even been a month since he’d gotten his son back and now he feared that he may have lost him for good this time. His eyes closed, and his lips moved mutely in prayer. He didn’t feel Joe’s supportive hand on his back.

SIX

The lamp on the buckboard’s seat cast a soft glow through the barn. Adam sat on the floor leaned back against one of the rear wheels. He had a headache from the jolt he’d taken when he fell but other than that he felt all right. Mrs. Cadence sat next to him with her legs tucked under her, watching him like a hawk.

“I’m not gonna disappear,” he said with a crooked grin.

“Are you sure you’re all right. That was a nasty spill you took.”

“I’ve had worse falls getting out of bed in the morning,” he said with a snort. “And I am a bronc buster.” Her perplexed expression amused him. “I break horses. Now there’s a bone jarring fall.” He shook his head and winced and rubbed his temple. “In fact, so’s the ride.”

“I’ve never seen that. I really don’t know anything about it.”

“Maybe before you go back you’d like to see it. I haven’t done it in a bit, and I need to chip off some of the rust.”

“How dangerous it is?”

She watched him as he went somber and seemed to stare into another time. His fingers bit into his legs, and his mouth pulled down. “A man can get killed,” he said without a hint of emotion.

She knew he was recalling something from his past, something dark and painful. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he said plainly, continuing to gaze off.

She touched the back of his hand and there were those deep, wounded eyes again. He made her want to cry, and she wanted to hold him like she had his brother. But from what she knew of him he wasn’t the kind that liked it. From what Joseph had already told her about him she knew that he kept much of his true feelings hidden from others, and she understood why. He’d been hurt before, and he did what he could to avoid being hurt again.

“Then maybe you would like to talk about something else? It doesn’t matter what. Anything you like.”

“All right,” he said as some of the solemnity left his face, “I’d like to talk about you.”

“I’m afraid I’m not a very interesting topic for conversation.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

He hitched himself around, and his direct gaze made her a little nervous. Now she felt like he knew her secrets simply by looking into her. What was it Joseph had said about those eyes being able to look through you?

“Tell me about your husband, your family. I know you have children but I don’t know a thing about them. You already know more about me than I probably do so now it’s my turn to get to know something about you.” He tilted his head to one side with a roguish grin. “After all, fair is fair.”

“Well, if you really want to hear it.”

“Would I ask if I didn’t?”

“Hiram and I had four boys and five girls.” She hoped she didn’t blush when he whistled through his teeth. “Hiram Jr., Sophie, Lucinda, Angelica, Phillip, Jason, Patricia, Daniel and Finola. I always name them off in order, it’s easier that way.” Then her smile faded. “But we only managed to get seven of them raised.”

He could see some of the life go out of her face and saw the pale eyes dull. The loss of a child was an experience he’d never had and prayed he never would. He remembered when Len Partridge had lost his son, which for a time he’d blamed Pa, and it was a memory he didn’t cherish. “What happened?” he asked gently.

“Life,” she said as she clasped her hands together. “Our blessed little Sophie was light and beautiful as a butterfly.” She ducked her head, and when she looked back he couldn’t miss the hurt. “When she was not quite two she got diphtheria. Listening to her tiny coughs tore the heart out of both of us. We walked with her, and slept with her between us, though we didn’t do much sleeping. We and the doctor did all we could… but in the end it just wasn’t enough. Within two weeks she was gone.”

She went silent and Adam watched as she fought to stave off the old heartache that had never left. He reached out to her and lightly brushed her arm, and he saw some of her grief ease.

“That was the first time I ever saw my Hiram cry,” she finally went on. She took a deep breath and it seemed to bolster her. “And then there was Jason, he was twelve.” She laughed girlishly. “That one loved life and every minute was an adventure. And he loved to swim every opportunity he got. That’s how we lost him…. He hooked his foot in a root, and by the time his friends realized anything was wrong it was too late.” She took another deep breath. “That was the second time I saw my Hiram cry.”

“Why don’t you tell me a little about him? He sounds like somebody I would’ve liked.”

“Oh, you would have, and I know he would’ve liked you. He was stubborn and had a bit of a temper at times, but he was a warm, loving husband and father and a good provider for his family. And while he may’ve not been the most handsome man to other women, he was to me…. Of a night after the children had gone to bed we would sit in the parlor and just talk.” Her eyelids began to bat furiously. “Usually about our day, and sometimes we would have coffee or tea with honey. Hiram loved it with a lot of honey.” Her hands tightened around the fabric of her skirt. “That was always a favorite time for me…. I miss it…. I miss him.”

Without a word he scooted across the floor next to her and put his arm around her shoulders.

“I’m all right,” she said as she looked up at him.

“I know,” he said with an understanding smile. “But sometimes it’s good to know that not everybody believes us when we say we are.”

He pulled her head over against his broad chest and put his other arm around her. His nearness brought the cork from the bottle, and she couldn’t hold back. Since losing her Hiram strong arms hadn’t held her this way and a strong voice hadn’t comforted. “I’m supposed to be consoling you,” she sobbed.

“You’ve been doing a lot of that lately, now it’s somebody else’s turn.” He kissed the top of her head and wiped the tears from her cheek. “It’s all right. Mothers and wives are supposed to cry too.”

She let herself sink into his closeness as her sadness ran its course and began to melt away. His heart beat beneath her ear and with each rhythmic thump her own heart grew less heavy. Adam Cartwright was a balm for the still open wounds, and she let him soothe. His grasp tightened around her, and she hadn’t felt so safe since the last time her Hiram had held her.

The storm continued to wail and lash around outside but inside the old barn warmth and love was alive and well. Two people, each still in pain from one of life’s hard blows, had found a part of what was gone; a mother lost and never known and a husband sorely missed.

SEVEN

The sky had lightened some more and the squall had turned into a steady rain, though not as torrential. The lightning and thunder were a thing of the past and the wind was nothing more than a gust now and then. Adam stood in the doorway to the barn with the large doors open wide and looked out into the soggy evening. The sun would be going down before too long, and he knew that if they waited for this to stop it would probably be too dark to travel and they’d have to wait till morning. And the thought of that didn’t sit well with him.

She came to stand next to him and took his arm. “Would I be prying if I asked what you’re thinking?”

“Just that if you don’t mind getting wet again,” he said as he patted her hand, “we need to get started back. We’ve been gone all day and Pa’ll be on his head.”

“Well, we did slip off from him.”

He looked at her impishly. “Maybe I shouldn’t have but I just had to get out for a while with somebody other than Pa, Hoss or Joe. And, anyway, they’ll get over it.” He gently pried her hand away. “Now I seem to remember running across some old blankets.”

She watched as his long legs took him to the back stall, and he disappeared into it. She shook her head and the corners of her mouth curved up as he muttered to himself. “I see why you were so heartbroken, Joseph,” she said softly.

The black head bobbed up, and he came out with two blankets, one in each hand, shaking them out. “I knew I’d seen these.” He held one close to his face, and his nose wrinkled. “They don’t smell so good but they should keep you from getting too wet. Now why don’t you go ahead and get aboard while I hitch up the horses?” He draped them over the back of the seat and helped her up then went to get the animals.

She sat and watched as he proceeded to fasten the team’s harnesses. His easy, fluid movements reminded her of a black cat her children had when they were younger. His deft, sinuous fingers worked as she knew they had many times before. His face was set in stern concentration as he focused on the chore before him and the well-defined mouth drew into a pucker. “Some young lady is going to be very lucky,” she thought.

“Well, that does it,” he said and gave one of the horses a pat on the neck. “Now let’s get you taken care of.” He grabbed the blankets and came around on her side. “Do you mind?”

“I trust you,” she said with a wry smile.

He returned it then arranged one of the smelly, scratchy blankets over her lap, then the other he put over her head and shoulders. “There,” he said as he stepped back to inspect his work. “That should keep you dry enough.”

“Shouldn’t you take one? You’ll catch your death.”

“It’ll only get in my way and it’s not that cold. I’ll be fine.” He went around and took the lamp from the seat, blew it out and started to put it on the ground.

“Can I have that?”

He glanced at it and gave her a puzzled look and one eyebrow rose. “Why do you want this old thing? I’m sure you’ve got plenty of lamps at home.”

“I do but this one I’d like to keep as sort of a remembrance of the time we’ve spent together.”

He glanced down at it. “All right, but be careful, it’s hot.”

She took it from him and tucked it in close to her as if it were the most prized of gems. He climbed on next to her, then took the reins and slapped them against the horses’ backs. “I wish I had my hat,” he said just as they left the barn and the full impact of the rain hit him. It was colder than it had been, and he hoped Mrs. Cadence wasn’t right. All Pa needed was for him to get sick. And it wouldn’t do him the world of good either.

Joe and Hoss and three of the Ponderosa hands had been traveling the road they’d guessed their brother would’ve most likely taken. As soon as the weather had calmed down to the point where they didn’t have to worry about being struck by lightning they’d ridden out. Two other groups had gone in different directions so someone was bound to find them; it was only a matter of when.

They’d been riding for twenty minutes or so when they thought they heard something above the pelt of the rain. It didn’t take long to see that they were right as the buckboard came into sight around a curve in the road.

“Uh-oh,” Adam said under his breath as he drew closer and got a good look at his brother’s faces. And if this was any indication of what was waiting for him back at the house he almost felt like turning around and going back.

He didn’t slow down; in fact, he urged the team a little faster. As he met them his brothers came up on either side of the buckboard while the three men brought up the rear. No one said anything and the whole way back home the only sounds were from the rain, the horses and the wheels.

By the time they came into the yard day was giving way to night. Still nothing was said as Adam took the blankets away and helped Mrs. Cadence down, and they went inside, followed by Joe and Hoss. One of the men took care of the buckboard and team while the other two saw to the horses.

Adam’s chest sank the minute he saw his father. It wasn’t that he was surprised, he just dreaded it. He was tired, cold, wet and hungry, and he wasn’t in the mood to get into it with him. And from the memories that had begun making themselves known he knew that they’d had some pretty good rows in the past, and he saw one coming now.

Ben stomped over to him and felt relief in its purest form. He threw his arms around his son and held onto him, feeling the muscles tense. Then he stepped back as anger swirled inside him like a cyclone. “Where have you been? And why didn’t you tell anybody you were going?”

“I told Hop Sing,” Adam said calmly.

“And swore him to secrecy under threat of death for one hour! Do you realize that we’ve been half sick with worry and dread over you? And what about her?” Ben pointed to Mrs. Cadence, who still clutched the lamp. “What would it have been like for her family if we’d had to wire them and tell them that she…?”

“But you didn’t, Pa. As you can see, she’s just fine. I do know how to take care of a lady.” Adam gave her a sideways wink.

“But she very easily could have! And in this storm!”

“It wasn’t storming when we left.”

“Well, if you’d bothered to look you would’ve seen that it was coming!”

“All right, so I missed it. Maybe you’d like to send me to my room without supper?” Adam was trying to keep a lid on his temper but it was becoming increasingly difficult. If he could calm Pa down without resorting to shouting he would but he wouldn’t back down. “Pa, I’m not a kid anymore; I can take care of myself.”

“Like you did coming out of Bantree?”

Except for the crackle of the fire and the ticking of the clock the room went deathly quiet. Hoss and Joe blanched and steered Mrs. Cadence back out the open front door. Hoss pulled it together behind them but left it slightly ajar.

They came up onto the raised part of the porch. She could see the consternation registering in their faces and guessed that they knew what was coming. But she didn’t have to wait long and it caught her off guard.

“So now you’re blaming me for almost getting killed! Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you! Next time I’ll try not to!”

A hand went to her mouth and her pale eyes darkened. “No child of mine would ever talk to me that way.”

“If you’d pay attention to what other people try to tell you instead of being so hard headed and selfish there wouldn’t have been a first time!” Ben fired back before they could answer her.

Her mouth fell open and it took her a few seconds to recover. “But then no child of mine has Ben Cartwright for a father. Do they always do this?”

“Yeah,” Hoss said with a satisfied smile, “ain’t it great?”

Her eyebrows rose. Father and son were having at each other and this one thought it was great.

“Is it selfish to want to live my own life?”

“When it hurts those that love you, yes!”

“All right, I’ll tell you about selfish!”

“I’d rather you didn’t!”

“And what about what I’d rather? Pa, I can’t do anything on my own anymore! This house has become a prison! Hoss, Joe and Hop Sing are the guards and you’re the warden! I feel like I’ve been imprisoned without parole! I just had to escape!” Adam shouted. “Can you understand that or can’t you understand anything that doesn’t suit the way you want it?”

“I think that’s about enough out of you!”

“You’re right, it is!”

“Adam!”

Adam erupted from the house, his long, anger-driven stride taking him back out into the rain. His brothers spoke to him but in his pique he didn’t hear them. They watched as he stomped across the yard and disappeared into the barn.

“Shouldn’t someone go after him?” she asked.

“Nah, he’ll git over it. He always has.”

“And this isn’t even the worst one they’ve ever had,” Joe added.

“Maybe so, but you said yourself that he’s different,” she said as she surveyed their faces.

A colorless film cast itself over Joe’s face as he remembered the trail home from Bantree. Adam was indeed different. His moodiness and the difficulties he’d been having dealing with the memories that were forcing themselves on him, particularly some. And then there was the presence of Stretch. “Maybe she’s right, Hoss. I think one of us had better…”

But before he could finish Adam tore out of the barn on the big dapple and rode at a full gallop amid his brother’s shouts into the growing dusk. Hoss dashed into the house and came instantly back with their wide-eyed father.

“He’s gone, Pa.” Then Joe gripped his father’s arm. “But he was on Lee Haymes’ gray, not Sport…. It was Stretch that rode out.”

EIGHT

It had been over an hour since the eldest Cartwright son had ridden out in a fit of temper but it seemed like much longer. Joe and Hoss had immediately mounted up and gone after their brother. They’d taken Adam’s slicker and a hat with them so he wouldn’t get any wetter than he already was.

Now Ben Cartwright had more than just worry heaped on him, now there was guilt as well. He shouldn’t have yelled at Adam and said some of the things he did but it was too late to take it all back. He’d seen the problems his son was having readjusting to his home and family. Sometimes his own boy was someone he didn’t even know and sometimes he wondered if he ever would completely again. He’d gotten Adam back in one sense, but in another he hadn’t and it disturbed him.

He sat at the table on the front porch and watched the rain continue to come down. Staying inside had become unbearable with his sons out in this.

Mrs. Cadence, in a fresh, dry dress, slipped quietly out and placed a cup and saucer down in front of him. “I brought you some coffee. I thought it might take off some of the night chill.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me that I should go back into the house?” he asked without looking at her.

“No,” she said as she sat down at the end of the table, “because I know it wouldn’t do any good. Now drink your coffee while it’s still good and hot.”

He mechanically raised the cup but it never made it to his lips before he put it back down. She could see the anxiety running through his strong face and brimming in the eyes that were the same color as the contents of the cup. “They’ll find him, and he’ll be all right. He’s just trying to get past what happened to him and figure out who he is. It’s simply going to take some time, and it hasn’t even been two weeks since he got home. But I have no doubt he’ll make it,” she said and placed her fingers on his wrist. “I was with a very resolute young man today. Granted, he’s still a bit unsettled, but that too will get better with time.”

He looked around at her and was greeted by a warm, heartening smile. The very presence of this woman was a source of solace, and he understood why Joe had been so greatly touched by her. In many ways she reminded him of his own sweet Inger, always ready to help others and give of herself. There was calmness about her pale gray eyes and a soothing note to her soft, melodious voice.

He held his hand out to her, and his fingers quavered ever so slightly as they twined with hers. This man had lived every parent’s worst nightmare and still hadn’t thoroughly recovered from it. Joseph had told her of the drinking and the self-imposed exile from the world. She’d learned through the years that the greater the love a person had for another, the greater the breakdown when that love was tragically lost. Now she knew that he feared he was on the verge of losing the object of that love again.

Abruptly, his head jerked around, and his grip tightened on her hand. Three horses splashed into the yard: a wiry little paint, a stocky Morgan and a big dapple. All three of his sons were safely home, and his franticly beating heart threatened to run off with him. Mrs. Cadence, still clinging to his hand, stood as he did and went to the edge of the porch with him.

Silently, Adam, Hoss and Joe dismounted at the hitch rail in front of the house. Adam was the last one to look at his father, and Ben saw the amber lights still sparking in his eyes. But his son’s stoic face concealed which emotion was producing them. He didn’t care though, Hoss and Joe had found him and brought him safely back a second time and that was all Ben wanted.

“Let’s get you into the house and into some dry clothes and some hot food into you,” Ben said as he clapped a hand on his son’s shoulder.

With a deep sigh one corner of Adam’s mouth crooked. “All right, Pa, I’m too dragged out to argue.”

Ben and Mrs. Cadence got him inside while Hoss and Joe took care of the horses. Once into some dry clothes, a barefooted Adam came back downstairs, rubbing up-and-down his left arm and settled himself into his favorite blue chair by the fire. Then the pampering and coddling started, and he was too tired to rebel against it. He’d never been one to let people wait on him, he’d always preferred doing for himself, but after the day he’d had he just didn’t care. And sometimes a little indulgence was good for the soul, and if it made somebody else happy what harm could it do?

With a towel draped over his shoulder, Hop Sing came from the kitchen with a pan of hot water and had Adam put his feet into it. “Not want you get sick, so heat from feet up. Now you get hot food to heat from inside out.” Then he dropped the towel onto the table and scuttled back into the kitchen.

Next up, his father brought a warmed blanket and put around him, and Adam could feel sleep gradually encroaching on wakefulness.

“Look, Pa, I’m sorry I barked at you like that, and I shouldn’t’ve said some of the things I did.”

“It’s all right; I said some pretty harsh things myself. I know that what happened to you wasn’t the fault of anybody except one cruel man. You certainly didn’t ask for it or want it. So it’s best just to forget about it.”

“I think that’s something we can both live with.” Weary humor filled Adam’s face. “And right now I’m better at that than you are.” He didn’t notice the front door but he looked around at his brother’s asking about him.

“He’s all right,” came crisply from the direction of the dining room as Mrs. Cadence came toward them with a bowl and napkin. “And once he gets this hot soup into his stomach he’ll be even better.” She handed it to Adam and sat down on the end of the low table.

Every eye was riveted to him as he dug into the food but he was too focused on it to take heed. It warmed his throat as it went down and spread its warmth throughout his exhausted body. It was delicious, and he had to fight not to wolf it. When he’d finally finished and looked up he saw that everyone was clustered around him as if his eating was the most important thing in their lives. He even caught sight of Hop Sing watching from the doorway to the kitchen. He handed the empty bowl to his father and yawned.

Ben tenderly adjusted the blanket around his eldest son and then he and Joe, Hoss and Mrs. Cadence had a little conclave in the dining room. Their soft, muted voices drifted to Adam’s ears, and he smiled as his eyelids grew still heavier. A sense of wellbeing and peace filled him to capacity as he watched them in their small huddle. He snuggled into the comfortable familiarity of the welcoming chair and took a deep breath. His toes tingled as he wiggled them in the water and it made a light splashing sound. He was home and it felt good.

“Pa,” came in the form of Joe’s soft voice.

Ben looked at him then let his gaze follow his son’s pointing finger. Adam’s head was leaned over against the side of the chair, and he was asleep. His chest rose and fell in heavy, deep breaths but other than that he didn’t move.

The other three watched as Ben went to his sleeping son and looked down at him. For nearly a minute he did nothing else then he got onto his knees and picked up the towel. Delicately, he took one of Adam’s feet from the water so as not to wake him and dried it off and placed it on the floor then repeated the process with the other foot. He pushed the pan over by the hearthstone, careful not to slosh its contents. Then his silvery head dropped and they knew he was giving thanks for his son’s life.

NINE

It was around five the next morning when Adam roused himself from what had been the soundest sleep he’d had in a while. He knew Hoss had toted him up to his own bed since he didn’t remember anything past when he’d fallen asleep in the chair. He’d stiffened some through the night, which made getting washed up and dressed more of a chore than usual. But after the falls he’d taken the day before it wasn’t anything that really surprised him.

When he started downstairs he only got as far as the top landing when he stopped and ducked back into the hall and out of sight. His father was very agitated and was rounding on his brothers. “What do you mean you still haven’t moved him?”

“What with Adam coming home and Mrs. Cadence’s visit there just hasn’t been time,” Joe said defensively.

“I don’t care, you make time! That man tried to murder my son and I won’t have him buried on the Ponderosa! So first thing after breakfast I want both of you to take as many men as you need and get him off of my land! Is that understood?”

“It’s all right, Pa, we’ll take care of it,” Joe said as he took his father’s arm. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Whadaya want us to do with the headstone?” Hoss asked.

“I don’t care,” Ben said, some of the steam going out of his frustration. “You can throw it in the lake if you want to. Just get him away from here.”

“All right, Pa, we’ll handle it,” Hoss said and rested a hand on his father’s other arm. “Now let’s settle down an’ eat. Adam’ll probably be down before long an’ he don’t need to hear us talkin’ about this.”

More of the fire seemed to go out of Ben, and they went to the table where Mrs. Cadence waited for them.

Adam just stood with his back flat against the wall. He knew who they’d been talking about. They were going to dig up that man they’d thought was him and buried under his name, the same one that had waylaid him coming out of Bantree and tried his best to humiliate and kill him. The muscles in his jaws knotted as well as his stomach. He hadn’t thought about this since his arrival back home but here it was and there wasn’t any getting away from it.

Breakfast was a quiet affair, after what he’d heard Adam had little to say and spoke only when he had to. Now he was out in the barn getting Sport saddled and ready to ride out. Hoss and Joe had just left with a wagon and two of the hands, and he fully intended to follow them.

“It’s been a while hasn’t it, boy?” he said and gave the big chestnut an affectionate pat on the neck. “But I figured it was past time that we got reacquainted. And this is as good a time as any.”

He finished buckling on the breast collar and checked the cinch again then led Sport out into the yard. With a glance toward the house, they walked past the barn. Adam wanted to get far enough away so that Pa wouldn’t hear him ride out.

Following his brothers’ trail wasn’t difficult. They weren’t in a hurry and they had no reason to conceal it. He knew that his possibly coming after them was the last thing on their minds, if they even thought of it at all. No one knew what he’d overheard, and he liked it that way, it made it easier for him to do this.

Spotty as his memories of his home still were, he knew where they were going. They had buried that bastard in one of his favorite spots overlooking the lake. He didn’t blame them for it, after all, they’d thought it was him, and they knew how much he loved it there.

Quietly, he dismounted and led Sport up onto the bluff and hid in a stand of pines. He could see them but he knew that they couldn’t see him. He sat down on the cool ground and kept the reins in his hand while Sport cropped grass next to him.

The work was hot and labor intensive, and the grumbling was an integral part of it. You couldn’t do a backbreaking job like this without grousing a little, it was just plain unmanly.

Hoss, as usual, got stuck doing most of the digging, while Joe, Chris McCutcheon and the other man watched. But then it was his lot in life that he found himself in a position like this far too often. They’d all four started out together but gradually he’d found himself on his own. His little brother was particularly good at it, and Chris had learned well at his elbow. Hoss glared at them as he threw a shovelful of dirt over his shoulder. It was his own fault for being such a moose.

As soon the implement struck the top of the coffin, Hoss decided he’d had enough and was due a break. “All right, Joe, now it’s your turn to take up some o’ the slack. I ain’t gonna do it all. An’ your arm ain’t broke, leastways not yet it ain’t.”

“Ah, Hoss, and you were doin’ such a good job,” Joe said sappily. “I could never do…”

“No, Joe, you ain’t gonna soft-soap me outta doin’ your share. Now you git on down here an’ start diggin’ before I wail the tar outta your hide.”

“What’d Pa say if you beat up on his youngest son, your own baby brother?”

“It don’t matter,” Hoss said as he tossed his shovel aside and climbed out of the hole. “I’ll take my chances. Now you git on over here an’ do your share before I…”

“All right, all right,” Joe said and held up one hand. “Sheesh, what a sore headed old bear.”

When Joe wasn’t moving fast enough Hoss moved menacingly toward him.

“I’m goin’, I’m goin’,” Joe said as he hopped into the hole. Grudgingly, he began to dig, his green eyes snapping.

“Here, Joe, lemmee give you a hand,” Chris said and joined him, giving Hoss a sideways glance as he passed him.

The other man gave Hoss a wary eye then began to dig as well. Hoss stood back with his arms crossed over his full chest and watched with total satisfaction.

By the time they had all the dirt cleared away it was rounding onto noon but they didn’t dare go back to the house until the job was done. And the brothers weren’t in the notion of incurring their father’s wrath on the subject again. With much grunting and puffing and more complaining they got the coffin loaded into the back of the wagon.

“What about the marker?” Chris asked as he dropped the armload of shovels next to the earth-encrusted box.

“We’ll come back for that later, right now let’s just git this done,” Hoss said.

Hoss climbed onto the seat while the others mounted up. He slapped the reins against the horse’s backs and they started out. They weren’t really sure where they were going to bury him and didn’t really care, just so long as it was off of the Ponderosa.

As soon as they were gone and the sounds of the wagon were dying away the big chestnut ambled on down from the bluff. Adam reined in and dismounted, ground tying him. His pulse and breathing sped up as his eyes lit on the headstone. He knew he didn’t really want to do this but – at the same time – he knew he had to. He forced his legs to follow each other until he stood at the edge of the six-by-three foot hole. For nearly three minutes he kept his eyes directed to the lake, the noonday sunlight shimmering on it like so many diamonds. He’d always loved this spot, it was shaded and lush and the scent of pine filled the air, but now he felt like it had been sullied.

Slowly, he turned around and found himself facing what most men never lived to see: his own headstone. As his eyes roved over it he felt a chill bind around him and sink into him. “Adam Stoddard Cartwright May fifth eighteen-thirty to June fourteenth eighteen-sixty-four. Beloved son of Benjamin and Elizabeth,” he read aloud.

Dark images began flooding his mind: a cruel, vicious face parted by the most malicious grin he’d ever seen, the hard ground looming up to meet him as he fell, the faint recollection of the man riding away on Sport. And then the sounds came, sounds of taunting laughter, of blows against his body and the thud of a horse’s hooves or the beating of his own heart, he couldn’t be sure which. And the agonizing pain that saturated his entire being and didn’t stop until welcomed oblivion swallowed him like a black, cool, comforting abyss.

His hands wadded at his sides, and never before in his life had he wanted to kill someone like he did the man who had done this to him and his family. But, unfortunately or fortunately, he didn’t know which – someone else had gotten to him first. And he found himself hoping that whoever he was they didn’t deal too harshly with him if they caught him.

“I’m sorry, Pa. I know you endured seven kinds of pure torment over this, and I’m sorry.”

His head lowered and one hand covered his face as his shoulders shook. Soft sobs drifted up into the trees and filled the silence. Adam Cartwright was in pain and there was no one to share it with him.

TEN

As they rumbled and clattered into the edge of the clearing Hoss stopped the wagon. Joe brought Cochise alongside and reined up, and he couldn’t miss his brother’s grim expression.

“Hoss, what is it?” Joe’s eyes followed his brother’s line of sight. “Oh, no.”

Adam sat motionless on the edge of the hole with his legs hanging over the side and down into it. His hands were resting in his lap, and he was staring ahead.

“He musta followed us,” Joe said.

“I bet he heard Pa this mornin’. An’ you know how devious he can be when he’s a mind to. Well, at least he’s Adam this time. He brung Sport,” he said with a nod toward the big chestnut. “I tell you what, you three go on back to the house, an’ I’ll bring ‘im along with me.”

“Are you sure, Hoss?”

“Yeah, Joe, I’m sure. Now go on.”

Joe, Chris and the other man turned their horses and headed home while Hoss started the wagon on into the clearing. Adam seemed oblivious to his approach and continued to sit like a statue. Even as Hoss sat down next to him Adam just continued to stare ahead.

Hoss was careful to put himself between his brother and the headstone. He let his legs dangle into the hole. “Adam,” he said placidly as he rested his hand on the strong, broad back. But still Adam acted like he wasn’t even there.

It hurt Hoss to see his older brother going through this. The family did what they could to ease it but they could only do so much. Adam had never been one to be forthcoming with his feelings and it only made things more difficult. Hoss continued to watch as he struggled within himself and wished there was something he could do. And anything would be better than sitting by and watching his brother suffer in silence.

“Why, Hoss, why did he want to do this to me?” Adam asked hardly above a whisper and still didn’t look around. “I’d never seen him before in my life, and he had no reason to hate me. Yet he wanted to do more than just rob me. I could tell that he was actually enjoying himself. But I still don’t understand why. I didn’t even know his name.”

“Vince Decker.”

Hoss’ breath caught in his throat as the cold, onyx eyes flashed around. Adam reminded him of a cornered cougar, fierce and dangerous but at the same time frightened. And at that moment he knew that his brother could easily and willingly kill and that wasn’t the Adam he knew.

“How do you know his name?”

“Does it matter? He’s dead an’ he ain’t never gonna hurt you or nobody else ever again. Adam,” he began rubbing his brother’s back up and down, “you’re home now an’ it’s time to let go o’ this thing. What happened happened an’ there ain’t nothin’ nobody can do to change that. So it’s best to just pick up the pieces an’ go on.”

“I wish it was that simple. Some of the pieces are still missing, and I don’t know if I’m ever gonna find ‘em again. And if I don’t…” He shook his head and ran his fingers back through his hair. “Ah, it doesn’t matter.”

“But it does, leastways it does to your family. Whether you wantta own up to it or not, big brother, you’re mighty important to us. When we thought you was gone there wasn’t a day go by we didn’t think o’ you. I felt like somebody’d cut into me and took my heart right outta me. An’ I know Pa an’ Joe an’ Hop Sing felt the same.” He stopped rubbing and gave his brother’s shoulder a squeeze. “Now, what say we go on back to the house? You can ride with me if’n you’re a mind to.”

“And what about that?” Adam asked with a gesture toward the headstone. “You’re not gonna just leave it there?”

“Oh, I can come back any time an’ take care o’ that.”

“Why not do it now while I’m here to help you?” Adam asked jovially. “And I know exactly what to do with it.”

Hoss eyed him warily. “All right.”

“Then it’s settled.”

Then Adam did something that wasn’t Adam either; he swung his arms around his brother and hugged him tightly. Hoss let himself sink into his brother’s embrace and wished this part of Adam – the part Joe called Stretch – would stay.

When Adam finally let go they just sat there and watched the sun play on the water. This was a time for them, and there were plenty of hours left in the day to get back home.

++++

It was almost an hour later when the wagon came into the yard. Adam was on the seat with Hoss and Sport was tied on behind. When they didn’t go right in, Ben and Joe, followed closely by Mrs. Cadence, came out as Hoss was just leaving the barn.

Ben had known his middle son long enough to know that something was bothering him. Hoss had never been any good at hiding his feelings and when he was worried, disturbed or upset about a thing you knew it just from looking at him. And right now Ben was picking up on all three, and he knew it had something to do with Adam.

“Hoss, what’s wrong? You’re brother…”

“He’s all right,” Hoss said lowly with a glance back. “He’s puttin’ a cover on the headstone. Pa, he wanted to bring it back, an’ you know what it’s like arguin’ with Adam when his mind’s made up.”

“Why on Earth would he want to bring it home?” Ben asked as he fought back the fluttering in his chest. “Did he say why?”

“No, but he wouldn’t be talked out of it.”

“Pa, I just don’t understand him anymore,” Joe said as he darted a look toward the barn.”

“We’ve got to remember that he’s never been through something like this, and he doesn’t understand it any better than we do,” Mrs. Cadence said with a gentle tone as she took Joe’s arm. “I’m not telling anyone what to do, but for now I think we should just leave him alone.”

“But I’m gonna keep my eyes right on ‘im.”

“I think it’s wise if we all do, son,” Ben said with a scowl. “But Mrs. Cadence is right. We’re going to have to let Adam work this out in his own time and in his own way, and if that thing in the barn it what it takes then we have to go along with it. Hoss, go check on him and the rest of us will go back in before he comes out.”

“All right, Pa.”

Hoss went toward the barn as they started back inside. Ben took a quick look over his shoulder, he wasn’t sure he went along with what he’d just said but it made about as much since as anything did right now.

++++

Adam had a fitful night and had been up since around four o’clock. He’d promised Joe that he’d help round up strays today and was really kind of looking forward to it. He’d been sitting idle long enough and he thought it was time to become a working part of the ranch again. So right after breakfast they headed out to the barn for their horses.

Joe was having trouble keeping up with his brother’s long-legged determination to start pulling his own weight again. He felt a quiver of excitement at the notion of working side-by-side with Adam again on the Ponderosa. The last time they’d worked together his oldest brother hadn’t even known who he was and it was a time that Joe would always fondly remember.

Joe went straight about getting Cochise ready for the day’s work and chattering away but it didn’t take long to realize that he was doing all the talking. When he turned around to see why he felt every drop of blood drain into and pool in his boots. Adam was leaned back against an empty saddle stand and his eyes were set in his head. Joe had never seen him with such a look at utter terror. He rushed to his brother’s side and took his arm in a firm but gentle grip. “Adam, are you all right? Do you feel sick?”

“No, Joe, I can’t…” Adam’s cold gaze was drilled directly ahead and never wavered. He gulped hard, and his breathing staggered. “I just can’t, not today. I’m sorry.” Then, with a jerk, he got up and trounced out.

Joe watched him go until he disappeared into the house. He couldn’t conceivably understand what was wrong until he turned around and saw the canvas-shrouded shape that his brother’s eyes had been so fixed on.

++++

Hoss was working at the anvil, hammering and shaping a new shoe for Chubb. He’d lost one that morning helping Joe and Chris chase down strays out in Strawberry Meadow. It was hot, sweaty, hard work, but someone had to do it and Chubb was, after all, his horse.

He’d just begun the process of quenching the hot metal in a tub of cool water when Adam strolled over to him from the house.

“Well, I’ll say one thing about this, you couldn’t’ve picked a nicer day for it,” Adam said casually.

“I know, it’s a real scorcher,” Hoss said as he dunked the shoe into the water and it sizzled and steamed then he pulled it out. “But I didn’t see nobody jumpin’ to do it for me.” A smirk turned the side of his mouth and a rascally gleam lit his eyes as he dunked it and pulled it out again.

“Well, now, brother, I wouldn’t’ve expected anybody else to do it if it’d been Sport.”

Hoss plunged the shoe into the water six more times then left it. “Say, Adam, do you think you could take time outta your busy schedule long enough to git me that keg o’ nails outta the barn?” But when he got no answer he turned around, and Adam had the strangest look. He reached out and touched his brother’s shoulder, and as he did Adam’s head jerked around. His eyes were distant and foreboding and it gave Hoss a start.

“If you want ‘em get ‘em yourself, you’re not helpless,” he snarled then stomped on back to the house.

++++

Since morning Adam had become quiet and sullen and even moodier than before. As Ben watched him clandestinely from across the table he could see what had befallen his son etched in his face. Joe and Hoss had filled him in on the run-ins they’d had that day, and he’d guessed at what was causing it. He’d thought about having Hoss and some of the hands dispose of the object bringing this disquiet to his son but he knew of the explosion it would cause.

Supper dragged by endlessly with little or no conversation until they finally pushed away from the table – much of the food still left – and went into the parlor for brandy. After pulling out her chair, Joe gave Mrs. Cadence his arm as the perfect gentleman.

As they went in Ben watched as Adam caught sight of his guitar leaned against the hearth. Ben knew that either Joe or Hoss had put it there in the hopes of drawing their brother from the somber mood he was in. They all watched as he picked it up and ran his slender fingers tenderly along the strings.

“Why don’t you play something for us,” Joe said as a smile brightened his face. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yes, dear,” Mrs. Cadence said as she sat on the settee, “I’d love to hear you play.”

A soft tone floated into the air as he plucked it lightly. Then, with a suddenness that startled everyone in the room, he crashed the instrument against the fireplace. It shattered in two – the bottom half still hanging by the strings – then he threw his beloved guitar into the fire and bounded upstairs without ever once looking at them.

For one solid minute they were too dumbstruck to say anything. Their eyes remained riveted to where Adam had disappeared at the top of the stairs.

“He loved that guitar,” Hoss said mildly.

++++

It was well after midnight when the hair-raising scream rent the house and the hall was instantly filled with Cartwrights.

“Did that come from Adam’s room?” Ben asked as he gave his robe sash a tug.

“It sure sounded like it,” Hoss said with a quick glance at his little brother.

Ben went right to his eldest son’s bedroom door and began franticly knocking and saying his name but Adam didn’t answer. Ben opened the door just as Hop Sing came up behind them with a lamp and the light filtered into the room. Adam was thrashing about and taking swings at phantoms that were assaulting his dreams.

Mrs. Cadence eased in next to Joe and a hand went to her mouth.

Another scream tore through them as Ben rushed to the bedside and sat down next to his flailing son and grabbed his arms. “Adam! Adam!”

“Pa! Get ‘im offa me, Pa! Get ‘im offa me!”

“It’s all right, son, he’s gone,” Ben said soothingly as he continued to struggle with his son’s increasingly violent tossing. “He’s gone, and he’ll never come back to harm you. He’ll have to kill me first.”

Suddenly, Adam pulled loose and gave a vicious swing, catching his father right in the mouth. Hoss moved in to help subdue his brother but Ben shook his head and Hoss stopped. Adam gave another furious swipe but this time Ben pulled back and caught his son’s arm, and as he did they both fell to the floor with a dull thud. Adam’s legs – twisted up in the sheet and bedspread – stayed draped over the top of the mattress. Ben hunched and clutched his panting son to him as Adam’s arm fell against the hardwood, and his tense fist relaxed.

Ben Cartwright had never been so frightened in his life. His son’s heart was beating so hard that he actually feared it would stop. And if it did he found himself hoping that his own would do the same. “My son, my son, my son,” he whispered over and over as he rocked and held one of his most precious gifts.

Mrs. Cadence had turned to Joe and didn’t try to deny the tears as he held her. Joe looked to his father as if seeking reassurance then he turned to Hoss and was greeted only with intense sadness. Hop Sing sat the lamp on the end of the dresser then turned and went slowly back downstairs.

ELEVEN

Adam stood at the back of the house watching the rising sun dress the mountains in their morning finery. He sipped at a cup of coffee and nibbled on one of Hop Sing’s golden biscuits. He’d foregone his usual honey and butter since it was too messy and he hadn’t wanted to get his fingers sticky. All he’d wanted was to take what Pa would let him get by with and go outside.

A light breeze brushed over his skin and tussled in his hair and smelled of pine and wild flowers. Since the big rain the other day things had dried off and heated up again.

It was magnificent here and if it wasn’t the most beautiful place on Earth then it ran it a close second. The house was ringed by massive Ponderosa pines and the Sierra Nevada mountain range towered in the background as if watching over them. Winters here were particularly spectacular and autumn could take one’s breath away.

Yet all this disguised a rugged harshness and the brutality of a wild and untamed land that brooked few mistakes. Even what might be considered a minor blunder elsewhere could get someone killed. Forgetting to fill your canteen, not putting back enough food or wood for when the snow flew, going against your better judgment.

He took a sip and let his eyes wander around him. He rolled it over and over in his mind what he could’ve done different that might’ve prevented what happened to him. If he’d left earlier or later, if he’d let someone go with him, if he hadn’t gone at all.

“Too many ifs,” he said as he shook his head and took a bite of biscuit.

Ben stood at the back dining room window watching Adam, oblivious to his other two sons and Mrs. Cadence watching him from the table. The previous night haunted him. He could still feel his son’s sweaty body shaking as he held him and it tore at him. Hoss had gotten him back into bed, and he hadn’t awakened through the whole terrifying episode and for that Ben was grateful.

Adam had been quiet all morning and Ben didn’t have to guess at what he was thinking about. The same thing was constantly on his mind as well. His son had very nearly died at the hands of a man that had nothing better to do than go around killing. It would be hard to believe that such people existed if he hadn’t seen so much in his lifetime.

He took a drink as he watched his boy deep in thought. Adam had always been the quiet, pensive kind and when he hurt he kept to himself a lot. That much of him hadn’t changed but so many other things had. So much of his son was a stranger to him, and he didn’t like to think that he might never know him again.

++++

Adam sat on a bench in front of the bunkhouse mending a broken harness. His head was lowered, and his mouth was drawn up as he focused intently on what he was doing. Activity went on around him but he seemed totally unaware.

Joe stood on the end of the porch watching his brother when Hoss came to stand next to him.

“I don’t know, Hoss, I just don’t know. To look at ‘im you’d think he’s the same old Adam but…”

“I know, Joe. An’ he still won’t go in that dadburn barn.”

“I know. I had to get the harness and tools and the leather strips for ‘im.”

“I’m about half a mind to git rid o’ that blamed headstone.”

Joe shot a quick look at Hoss. “Well, you go right ahead but you can do it without me. I don’t want him coming after my scalp. I like my hair,” and he riffled his fingers in his unruly dark brown curls.

“I don’t know why he wanted to bring the durned thing here for in the first place.”

“He may not know the answer to that himself,” Mrs. Cadence said as she came to stand between them. “We don’t always understand why we do the things we do. And what seems right at the time may not later. You’re brother’s terribly mixed up right now, and we just have to bear with him and try to help him.”

“I don’t know if we can,” Joe said despondently. “I only hope we can.”

++++

Not long after supper – of which Adam ate very little – he decided to go on up to his room. Maybe if he buried himself in one of his books until bedtime things wouldn’t seem so hopeless, and he could forget for a few hours.

He slipped into his bedroom and lit the lamp on the end of the dresser. Tonight it was a little stuffy so he decided to open the window and let in some of the cool evening breeze. Maybe it would remove some of his stuffiness as well. As he raised it he felt the urge to do something he hadn’t in a long time.

He eased out onto the roof and looked up at the vast black sky alive with a million twinkling stars. He took a deep breath of the invigorating mountain air and sat down with his back to the wall. He bent up his legs in front of him and wrapped his arms around them and let Nevada work its magic.

A knock came at the bedroom door. “Adam,” Joe asked from out in the hall. “Adam, can I come in?” But when no answer came the door opened a crack and Joe stuck his head inside. “Adam, is it all right if I…” His words broke off as he realized that his brother wasn’t there. “Adam…. Adam!”

“Out here, Joe.”

Joe went to the window and poked his head out, and his mouth fell open. “What’re you doin’ out here? Other than trying to kill yourself, that is.”

“We used to do it all the time when we were younger. Don’t tell me you’re so old that you’ve forgotten.”

“No,” Joe said roughly. “I haven’t forgotten. But you said it yourself, we were younger.”

“You’re only as young or as old as you feel, Joe. And tonight I want to feel like I did then. Before there was a Vince Decker or a Peter Kane in my life.”

“Kane. I’ve heard that name before.”

“Yes, I’ve no doubt you have, but I don’t want to talk about him tonight. In fact, right now, I’d just as soon not talk at all. Now why don’t you pull up a corner of the roof and join me?”

Moonlight glinted in Joe’s green eyes as he eased out and took up a position on the other side of the window.

Hoss had an early day tomorrow, and he wanted to get a jump start on it. He trudged up the stairs and headed down the hall for his room. But as he got closer he saw that Adam’s door was open and a lamp was burning. He peeked inside but there was no one there. “Adam.”

Adam looked at Joe and put a finger to his lips. They squeezed close to the wall and stayed perfectly still. Hoss could be heard moving around inside then his head came out the window. He looked first at Adam then Joe then back to Adam.

“What’re you two doin’ out here?”

“Something we haven’t done in way too long,” Adam said softly. “And there’s plenty of room for another.”

“Yeah, Hoss, come on. I think it’s strong enough to hold you without crashing through and landing in somebody’s lap.”

“Very funny, Joe.” Then a large grin graced Hoss’ face. “All right, dadburnit, I will.” He came out and parked his large frame between his brothers.

Ben was concerned about Adam, he’d eaten barely enough at suppertime to keep a chicken going and he’d grown so solemn. As he came into his son’s room he became aware of voices, and it didn’t take long to realize whose they were and where they were coming from. He didn’t move and stayed quiet as a mouse and just listened.

“Hey, look, a fallin” star,” came Hoss’ awed voice.

“Boy that looked like it was close. I bet we could find it if we tried.”

“Nah, Joe, it was many miles away,” Adam admonished. “On a clear night like this things always look closer than they are. Hoss, make a wish. You’re the one that saw it first.”

“Yeah, Hoss, and wish for something big.”

It went quiet, and Ben could just imagine Hoss’ gentle face scrunched up in child-like contemplation.

“Did you make it?”

“Yeah, Joe, you wantta know what it is?”

“You can’t do that. It won’t come true if you do that.”

“All right, an’ I did wish for somethin’ big.”

“Good, you don’t see a falling star that much and you don’t wantta waste it.”

“That’s right,” Adam said with a sigh. “Life’s too short to waste what you’ve got.”

It went quiet again. Ben smiled and could feel a warm ember inside that he hadn’t known for a long time. His sons hadn’t done this since Joe was fourteen and it was good just to hear them like this. He daubed at the moisture in one eye then turned and went back out.

TWELVE

After breakfast Adam was helping Hoss get a repaired wheel on one of the wagons. While Hoss held the back end of it up with a lever Adam slipped it onto the well-greased axel.

“All right, Hoss that should do it.” Adam said as he mopped his face with a bandana.

“I sure hope so, ‘cause I ain’t in the notion o’ takin’ it apart and doin’ it again.”

Just then Joe came out onto the front porch and it was obvious to his brothers that all wasn’t right.

“Hey, Hoss, could you give me a hand in here. I’ve got myself a problem that only you can help with.”

“Why me?” Hoss asked as he jabbed a thumb at himself.

“Cause you’re the biggest.”

“Oh, that again,” Hoss said and gave Adam a smirk. “Well, I’m afraid you’re just gonna havta find somebody else.”

“No, Hoss, you go on,” Adam said and waved him off. “I can finish this.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure, now go on.”

“All right, but I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, no, you won’t,” Joe said with a shake of his head. “This is gonna take a while.”

“It sounds like a major catastrophe so you’d better get going.”

“Well, if’n you need me you just give a yell.”

“Okay, now go.”

Adam shook his head and grinned as he watched his brothers go back into the house. Now he was on his own, and he had to get this job done because he knew that Mitch and Kelly would be coming back for it before long. They had to haul some fence posts out to the East range and this was the only wagon available. But he didn’t mind. All he had to do was secure the wheel in place and this chore was done. It didn’t take be a few seconds to tighten it so that it wouldn’t come loose. Once he’d done that he had to take care of the tools. Adam and his brothers had been taught that if a man took proper care of his tools they would last a lifetime and that meant putting them away when he was finished with them.

But that also meant going into the barn. He couldn’t go back in there so he’d just leave them by the door and let somebody else do it. “No, you won’t” he said grimly. “You’re acting like a child and this is just plain foolish. That headstone can’t hurt you.” He straightened his back and jutted his chin out as he fought for control. Then he took a hard swallow and started off.

As he drew closer to the barn he felt as if his heart would beat a hole in his chest. Sweat trickled down his temples and between his shoulder blades, and his mouth was dry as sand. When he came to the open doorway he froze and couldn’t make his feet cross the threshold.

“Get some spine, Adam Cartwright, and go in there. It won’t bite.”

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to go inside and first thing his eyes went right to the canvas covered object of his dread. The tools dropped to the floor with a jumbled clunk. With hesitant, short steps, he came to stand in front of it, and his hands wadded. With a quick jerk he threw back the covering. The words jumped out at him, and he psychically pulled away. It was as if it had attacked him. He tried to keep from reading the letters chiseled into the fine native Nevada stone but it was impossible. Adam Stoddard Cartwright. May fifth. June fourteenth. Beloved son of Benjamin and Elizabeth. Cartwright. Cartwright. Cartwright!

He slammed his hands against the top of it and scrunched his eyes tightly shut. “Stop it! Just stop it!”

It felt like someone had put a rope around his throat and was gradually tightening it. He dropped to his knees as a blow came to his stomach and then another and another and another. Vince Decker was trying once more to beat him to death. The pain was as real as the day he’d encountered this man so intent on taking everything he had, including his life. In fact, that he’d seemed to want the most.

“No,” he said through gritted teeth as he leaned his head against the cool stone. “No, you’ll not. I’ll fight you now like I did then. And I’ll win. I’ll win.”

Gradually, the pain subsided and the constriction in his throat lessened. He gasped for air and sat back hard against the floor. As he did his hand came to rest on a hammer, and he automatically threw it at the hated thing. When it struck, a tiny piece chipped away above his first name. He gawked at it in amazement like something magical had occurred.

Slowly, an idea began to form in his agitated brain, and he began to look around him until he found what he sought. It was exactly what he needed right now.

As Ben came downstairs he stopped dead on the landing. Hoss was in front of the fireplace and Joe was standing on his shoulders with a broom. Mrs. Cadence was on the settee with a cup of tea, and he could see that she was amused. Any other time it would’ve been funny but with what was going on with Adam he couldn’t appreciate the humor. “Joe, Hoss, what are you two doing?” he asked as his fists went to his hips.

Hoss turned around as one incredibly tall person, his hands clamped tightly on his little brother’s legs. “Ah, Pa,” Joe said tersely, and his face discolored slightly, “a bird got in the house. It came right down the chimney.”

“Yeah, an’ it got in Hop Sing’s kitchen an’ you ain’t never heard such carryin’ on in all your life.”

Ben’s eyes went about the room then back to his sons. “Where’s you brother?”

“He’s outside finishin’ up with that wagon,” Hoss said innocently.

“Who’s with him?”

“Nobody, Pa.”

“Well, when have you checked on him?”

“I don’t know,” Joe said and went pale, “we kinda lost track of time.”

Ben felt uneasiness well up inside him. He rushed down the stairs and bolted across the room.

Hoss helped Joe down from his shoulders as they watched their father.

“He said he’s all right, Pa. I wouldn’t o’ left ‘im if’n I’d…”

But Ben jerked the door open, and his face with white. “Adam!” and he ran out of the house.

Joe dropped the broom, and he and Hoss rushed after him. Mrs. Cadence put her cup and saucer down on the table with a clink and followed them.

Adam took a mighty swing and the sledge hammer struck the stone dead center, causing a crack to run out to the edges but not completely through to the back. His mind was so focused on his target that he didn’t notice when his father came in behind him. The others had felt so good that he drew back and gave another swing.

Ben started toward him but Joe and Hoss were on either side of him and stopped him.

“No, Pa,” Hoss said, “leave ‘im be.”

“Hoss is right,” Joe said. “He needs to do this.”

Adam still wasn’t aware that his father and brothers and Mrs. Cadence were there. As far as he was concerned the only one with him was Vince Decker and it wasn’t the stone he was hitting. Then another face loomed up before him, his cold, sadistic blue eyes cutting into him. “Kane,” Adam snarled and gave another swing. Each time he felt the sledge connect his tormentors died a little bit more.

Ben’s new image of his oldest son bothered him. Adam had always been considerate and compassionate and levelheaded, yet here he was battering a piece of rock and cursing a name that Ben had only heard in his nightmares. He wanted to go to his boy but he knew that Hoss and Joe were right; Adam had to do this to kill his demons. And until he did Ben doubted that he would ever be at peace again.

As Joe watched he felt the urge to strike out himself. He’d seen the terrible dreams his brother had been enduring when he’d found him at the Haymes’ and then the worst one the other night. If he’d been able to put a gun to Vince Decker’s head and pull the trigger he would have gladly done so in a heartbeat. His breathing quickened and he found himself wanting to take a whack or two.

With each strike of the hammer Hoss’ belief in wishes grew as he watched his coming true. His brother was working himself through this and into exhaustion, and Hoss edged closer in case he should collapse. Adam was physically muscular and powerful and being so driven made him even more so. But eventually Hoss knew that he would give out, and he wanted to be there to catch him.

Mrs. Cadence stayed well back by the door. She didn’t want to intrude on what she saw as a young man’s healing and maybe that of his family as well. She’d watched Adam Cartwright go through internal strife and torment and seen the fear and doubt dash through the dark eyes and taint the ruggedly handsome face. But now she saw someone doggedly determined to survive, and she had the utmost confidence that he would.

One more weak swing and Adam staggered back and Hoss gripped his arms. Adam looked around and felt his strength go when he realized who had him. He was puffing and thoroughly beat but it felt good, as if his very soul had been cleansed. With a mild grin he turned to his father. “Wantta have a go at it, Pa?”

Light flickered in Ben Cartwright’s eyes as he took the sledge hammer from his son. With a few steps he positioned himself in front of the badly damaged headstone and gave a forceful swing. The sound of it resonated through the barn and through him. Again he lashed out, and he felt all his anger and pent up hostility being expended. He gave it another hit then turned to his middle son. “Hoss.”

Hoss relinquished his care of Adam to their father then took the hammer and began wailing on the headstone. It really didn’t stand a chance against the force of nature known as Hoss Cartwright and one corner of it fell onto the floor. He’d done hard work most of his life and never shirked, though it couldn’t be said that he liked it, but this he was enjoying. He was squarely set on destroying the man that had come close to destroying his family and this filled in nicely. After three more deadly blows he turned and held the hammer out to Joe.

With a cocky grin Joe took it. He wasn’t as intimidating as Hoss or even as big as his father and Adam, but Joe Cartwright wasn’t to be outdone. His first strike sent chips flying. It wrenched the muscles in his arms but he didn’t even notice, he was doing this for his family as well as himself and that was the center of his attention. “You’ll never hurt us again,” he said under his breath and gave an even fiercer swing. The other corner fell awry and Joe finished the job then rested the hammer against the ground between his feet. He looked up at his father and brothers. “That felt good,” he puffed.”

“Would you like to take a poke at it, ma’am?” Hoss asked.

“Oh, I don’t know.” But then a naughty light glittered in her eyes. “Yes, I would.”

“I’ll do most o’ the work,” Hoss said as he took the hammer from Joe, “an’ we’ll see in’f we can give it a good whack.” He came up behind her and gently wrapped her hands around the handle, and his larger ones engulfed hers.

She could feel the restrained strength of this gentle man. The hammer was heavy but she knew that he was bearing the brunt of its weight. “Here we go, ma’am,” and they gave a swing. The jar in her body came as a bit of a surprise as the stone was contacted but Verina Cadence hadn’t felt so exhilarated in a long time. It felt as if she had driven away the sorrow and grief that had been crowding in one her. She looked around until she connected with the sparkling green eyes. “You’re right, Joseph, it did feel good.”

For several minutes after that nothing was said as they looked at the broken monument. Silently, Hoss took the sledge hammer and gave a potent swing and the remains of the headstone crashed into a jumble of jagged pieces of varying sizes. A whiff of dust rose up from the floor and gradually sifted away.

Then Adam’s low baritone filled the hush. “Rest in peace.”

“I think we all will now,” Ben said as his arm tightened around Adam’s shoulders. “Now I think we’d better get you into the house.”

“I’m all right, Pa.” Adam looked at Hoss. “I think I found those missing pieces we were talking about the other day.”

“I knew you would, older brother,” Hoss said then he leaned the sledge hammer back against the wall.

“I don’t know about anybody else but I’ve had enough excitement for one day. And whether anybody else wants to or not I’m going into the house,” Ben said with an air of authority.

“One thing’s for sure, it’d be a lot cooler,” Joe said as he took Mrs. Cadence’s arm.

“And maybe we can talk Mrs. Cadence into staying a little while longer.”

“I’ve love to Mr. Cartwright.” Her eyes met with Adam’s. “I still have to see a ‘bronc busted’.”

“You will, I promise,” Adam said.

With one last look at the crumbled headstone everyone started out. Ben – still holding onto his son – and Adam brought up the rear. As they got to the doorway they stopped and Ben looked at him.

“Welcome home, son.”

“It’s good to be home, Pa.”

++++

The moonlight shimmered on the surface of the lake. The cool night breeze played softly in the trees and the gentle lap of the water against the shore added to the tranquility.

“Now there, see, mine went farther than yours did.”

“It didn’t do no sucha thing, Joe, an’ you know it.”

“It sure did. You saw it, Adam. It did, didn’t it?”

“It doesn’t matter if it did, I’m gonna beat both of you.” Adam retrieved a large chunk of rock from the back of the wagon.

“Oh, ho, this I’d like to see,” Hoss said with a guffaw.

Ben and Mrs. Cadence sat on a log watching his sons chuck broken pieces of stone into the lake.

“Are they always like this?” Mrs. Cadence asked.

“Not for some time,” Ben said solemnly. “But after today I think they will be again.”

There was a loud splash followed almost immediately by another.

“Hey, you’re cheatin’, Joe. An’ you ain’t no better ‘cause you’re helpin’ im. You’re gangin’ up on me again just like always. Pa!”

Ben Cartwright – enfolded in complete contentment – sat with his hands clasped in his lap and watched his sons banter back and forth. He didn’t even try to stop it when Hoss picked up Joe and threw him into the water. Ben had all three of his sons, and he couldn’t ask for any more.

THE END

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