ADAM IMITATIONS

By K.K. Shaulis

             

     “Josey as a school teacher?” Joe Cartwright said in disbelief and snickered.

     “Kind of like the fox guarding the hen house, isn’t it?” his oldest brother Adam raised his eyebrows, seating himself on the arm of the settee.  In his opinion, his cousin had been nothing but trouble since she arrived from Boston for a visit two days ago.

     “I think I’d say that more about Joseph than Josephine,” Ben sat down in his chair holding his second cup of morning coffee.  “Anyway, after she caused the accident that laid up Mr. Jenkins, it was only right for her to volunteer.”

     “She volunteered?” Adam looked skeptically at his father. 

     “Well, let’s just say she had a choice between volunteering and a razor strap wielded by the very irate head of the school board.  Which would you pick?”

     “The razor strap, of course,” Hoss spoke up from his seat on the sofa. “I’m sure Mrs. Albright has slowed up a might over the years,” he propped his feet up on the coffee table.

     “Pa’s the ‘very irate head of the school board,’ lunkhead,” Joe laughed pushing his brother’s boots back on the floor.    

     “Hmmmm,” Hoss thought for a moment.  “I’d still have taken the razor strap.  Can you imagine what a nightmare it is trying to teach the McKeoun twins or the Miller kids?”

     “Probably a whole lot like teaching the Cartwright boys, I imagine,” Ben took a sip of his coffee and glanced at each of his three sons.

     “Come on, Pa. We weren’t that bad,” Adam spoke up in their defense.

     “Oh, no? Let’s see. There was Adam and the Boston Tea Party…” their father began to list their infamous educational misdeeds.

     His oldest son pretended to examine the red design on his cup.

     “…Hoss and the Seven Baby Skunks…”

     His middle son gulped.

     “...And not to mention Joe’s Almost Raffle of Miss Jones’s Corset.”

     His youngest son looked thunderstruck.         

     “Even now when I go to a school board meeting, I think about how many of them I had to attend to defend the actions of my incorrigible sons.  That’s how I can remember them in excruciating detail.”    

     “That’s funny,” Adam adjusted his seat on the sofa’s arm. “I remember most of them in excruciating detail, too, because at least one of the three of us made a trip to the barn with you after you got back.”

     “Well, at least Josey had a choice,” Joe pouted crossing his arms over his chest. 

     “Little late to complain about that now, isn’t it, Joe?” Hoss glanced at his sulky youngest brother.

     “I’m the one who didn’t have a choice, boys,” Ben put his cup down in its saucer.  “I found that the only way to get anything into your thick skulls was to address my remarks to your opposite ends. It worked most of the time,” he looked disapprovingly at Joe who still appeared to be pouting.

     “Then,” Adam cleared his throat, “Perhaps Josey should not have had a choice either.  She truly needs …” 

     “Good morning, gentlemen,” Josephine Marie Cartwright, Ben’s brother John’s adopted daughter, called from the stair landing interrupting Adam. Josephine or Josey, as she preferred to be called, was on her way to San Francisco to visit one of her former classmates from Mt. Holyoke Seminary. Of course, she had to stop in Nevada to see her favorite uncle and his sons or she would have never heard the end of it.  She was dressed in a dark green velvet dress, her curly red hair was pulled back in a loose bun and a pair of glasses was perched on her freckled nose.  She was carrying an armful of books, a huge blue satchel and a bullwhip.  Except for the bullwhip, she was the quintessentially proper New England schoolmarm.  “How do I look?”

     All four Cartwright men sprang to their feet as she descended the remaining stairs. 

     “Josey, if any of my teachers looked like you, I’d have had perfect attendance,” Hoss smiled taking his cousin’s bag and books.  He placed the books on the coffee table and the satchel beside the blue velvet chair.  “You’re just so dog-gone pretty.”

     “I agree with you totally, brother,” Joe chimed in pouring some coffee for Josey.  “Even with those spectacles, you’re beautiful.”

     “Thank you, Eric, and thank you, Joseph,” she said accepting the cup from Joe.

     The two looked at each other in surprise at their cousin’s formality.

     “Nothing’s better than good coffee,” she smiled clearly savoring its flavor then sobered as she noticed her eldest cousin scrutinizing her critically.  

     “I’m not too sure about this, however, Miss Cartwright,” Adam took the bullwhip from Josey and uncoiled it to its full length.

     “I am, Mr. Cartwright.  How else am I going to keep the McKeoun twins or the Miller kids interested in class?” she teased smiling sweetly up at him and seated herself in the blue chair.

     Adam frowned.  “You’re not serious?”

     “Why not?” the petite redhead looked at him knowing full well why not.  “From what I’ve heard, if your teacher had one, your dear father might have been saved a lot of grief,” she decided that her pompous cousin needed to taken down a peg or two.

     Clearly irritated by her answers, Adam turned to his father. “And what does the head of the school board think about this piece of equipment for a school teacher?”

     “I guess it depends on how she intends to use it as a teacher,” Ben said studying his niece’s face, trying to figure out if getting a rise out of Adam was her only motive.  “And how do you intend to use it, Josephine?”

     “Why, Uncle Benjamin.  I’m hurt that you would ask me that,” Josey pretended to be mortally wounded by the inquiry.  “How do you think I intend to use it?”

     “I think, Miss Cartwright, that you intend to use it to get out of being Mr. Jenkins’ substitute, that’s what I think,” Adam had recoiled the whip and was slapping it against his leg impatiently.

     “Whatever are you driving at, Mr. Cartwright?” she took off her spectacles and put them on the table beside her.

     “Let’s cut to the quick, you little brat,” Adam put his foot on the coffee table and glared at her. “You know the parents won’t let you teach the children with this.”

     “They won’t?” she asked innocently. “Well, that’s a surprise.”

     At that moment, Ben, Hoss and Little Joe all concluded that Josey was trying to get Adam’s goat and decided to sit back and watch, stepping in only if absolutely necessary.

     Adam, for all his intelligence, still did not understand that she was teasing him. 

     “That’s a surprise?” Adam raged walking away from her pinching his nose in an effort to control himself.

     Josey took this opportunity to roll her eyes at the other Cartwrights and giggle softly. 

     “That’s a surprise?!?!?” he whirled back to face her. “Pa,” he turned to address his father.  “You can’t let her teach those children.  Everyone will be up in arms!”

     “Well, son,” Ben gulped and tried to be serious, “What do you propose I do for a substitute teacher?”

     “There’s got to be someone else… anyone else.  I’ll even teach them before I let Josephine use this on them,” Adam sat back down on the settee in exasperation.

     “OK,” Ben couldn’t help but laugh at what had just transpired, whether his niece intended it to happen or not.  “You’re the new substitute teacher.”

     “I’m what?”  What Adam had just said with his mouth finally caught up with his brain.

     “You’re the new substitute teacher, Adam,” his father smiled leaning forward to shake his eldest’s hand.  “Mr. Jenkins said today’s lesson plans are in his desk and the pump handle is a bit tricky but you’ll catch on in no time, I’m sure,” Ben tried to keep a straight face.

     Adam was still in the state of shock at what just happened.

     “Thanks for volunteering, Cous,” Josey giggled.  “I’m just a bit disappointed that I won’t be able to show the children the tricks I can do with my whip,” she picked up her satchel and began to rummage through it.  “Ah, here you go,” she handed a gold plaque to Joe, a silver engraved cup to Hoss and a blue ribbon to her uncle.

     “I’m impressed,” Ben grinned handing his niece back the blue ribbon. 

     Joe cackled at the look on Adam’s face while Hoss tried not to laugh.

     “So let me get this straight, Miss Cartwright.  You weren’t intending to use this,” Adam held up the bullwhip, “On the children at all?” He tried to keep his temper under control as he addressed his cousin.

     “Of course not, silly.  I only intended to show the class how proficient I am and then, maybe as a reward, I would have taught some of the bigger ones how to handle it,” Josey explained putting her bag back on the floor.

     “And yet you let us all believe that you were actually going to use it on the children?” Adam’s anger with the petite redhead was clear.

     “I didn’t believe it,” Joe chimed in.

     “Me neither,” Hoss grinned.

     “I didn’t say anything of the kind, you chowderhead.  I can’t help it if you jumped to the wrong conclusion,” she smiled at Adam sweetly.

     “I see,” he tried to calm himself as he put the bullwhip down on the coffee table and sat down beside it and Josey’s books.  “Pa, if I’m the new teacher, does that mean that I am required to carry out the directives of the school board?” he took Josey by the hand. 

     She looked at him quizzically.    

     “Yes, to a certain extent,” Ben stood up and folded his arms across his chest, wondering where his oldest son was going with this.

     “And if someone was given the choice between being a substitute teacher and a razor strap and that someone did not substitute for the teacher, would the substitute teacher be authorized to…” Adam jerked her out of the chair and over his knee.    

     “Let me go!”  She struggled to get away.

     “No, not really,” Ben decided, stepping forward to grab Adam’s hand in midswing, allowing Josey to scramble to her feet. “Technically she did volunteer to substitute and any other consequence was to be administered by me as head of the school board. Therefore, you as a substitute teacher are not authorized to take any action in regard to Josephine on behalf of the board.”

     “But I’m a board member too,” Adam tried another tact. “Doesn’t that give me certain authority…?”

     “Remember the head of the board has veto power over such things,” Ben said smugly. “In fact, that was your idea when we had to fire the last teacher.  She was one of your old girlfriends, wasn’t she?  Any way, Josey’s not the substitute teacher.  You are,” he chuckled at the face his son made.  “Sorry, Adam,” he sat down in the chair that Josey had recently occupied and pulled her down to a sitting position on its arm. “You outsmarted yourself and,” he looked at the clock, “You’re going to be late for school.  But if it will help, Josey has just volunteered to do all of your chores while you are substituting for her substituting for Mr. Jenkins.”

     “I’ll be doing what?” Josephine’s eyes flew open in surprise.

     “Adam’s jobs,” Ben repeated sternly.

     “Oh,” she thought for a minute.  “All right.  That should be easy enough,” she giggled mischievously.  “What’s he do around here, anyway?” she winked at Hoss and Little Joe.

     “You know,” Joe saw this as his golden opportunity to poke a little fun at his big brother himself.  “Stand around, frown and make obscure references to some dead philosopher about the weather and the general condition of man,” he grinned sipping his coffee.

     “He sings an off-key song every once in a while,” Hoss added.

     “So he hasn’t changed at all, huh?” Josey giggled. “I’ll just throw in a couple of smirks too,” she perfectly imitated Adam’s expression. 

     Hoss, Joe and Ben burst out laughing at the face Josey made.

     “Oh, ha, ha,”Adam said sarcastically as he picked up his cousin’s books from the table, his saddlebag from the sideboard and his hat from the rack.  “I didn’t know that I came from such a funny family.”

     “Adam, don’t forget your guns,” Joe reminded him.

     “Or may be you want this after all, Mr. Cartwright?” Josephine teased reaching forward and holding up her bullwhip.   

     “Careful, Miss Cartwright, or I may use that on you when I get back,” Adam glared at her.

     She stuck out her tongue at him in response and put the whip down again.

     “We’ll continue this discussion later for darn sure, Miss Cartwright,” Adam turned and slammed the front door behind him.

     “That’s what he thinks,” Josey laughed trying to get to her feet.

     “Not so fast, little lady.” Ben grabbed his niece by the arm.  “We have a few things to discuss,” he stood up and sat her down in the chair in which he was sitting.

     “I think we’ll get going to check those fences near the Larson place, Pa,” Hoss prodded Little Joe in the ribs. 

     “Fine.  See you for lunch,” Ben called after his sons as they left.

     “Now as for you, Josephine,” he turned back to address Josey.  “I don’t know what your intentions were when you started this nonsense with the bullwhip.  I think you just wanted to see how far you could push Adam.  I don’t think you intended to trick him into volunteering to teach.”

     “Very true, Uncle Ben. He hoisted himself by his own petard as he would no doubt remark at this point,” she said with a scowl on her pretty face.    

     Ben almost laughed in spite of himself but sobered.  “Josephine, behave,” he told her firmly.

     “I’m just doing Adam’s job,” she tried to sound serious. “It’s tougher than I thought, though.  I hope my face doesn’t freeze this way,” she stood up and took a look at herself in the mirror.

     “Well, just stop doing the Adam imitations and listen to me!” he ordered turning her to face him.  “Adam had a short fuse and can only be pushed so far.”

     “All right, Unc,” Josey smiled at Ben, “I’ll ease up on him a little bit, I promise.    He’s just so serious, you can’t but help poking fun at him.   I’ll even take over teaching Monday, if Mr. Jenkins can’t.  Now what is he really supposed to do today?”

     “Adam was to help me negotiate the logging contract with Mr. Donahue,” Ben picked up the whip from the table and handed it to Josey.  “You’ll have to go with me for that.  What do you know about logging and timber contracts?”

     “As much as any graduate of Mt. Holyoke, I guess,” she remarked putting the bullwhip into her satchel.  “I’ll just go change…”

     “Don’t change, Josephine,” Ben critically studied his niece.  “You in that dress might be just the thing to cinch the deal.  All you need now is a frilly bonnet and a parasol and you’ll look the part of my demure and ladylike little New England niece who knows nothing at all about business and such.”

     “But I thought I was supposed to be Adam today,” she protested picking up her eyeglasses from the table and perching them on her nose again. “I’ve got a perfect black outfit and hat and I’ve nearly got his attitude down pat,” she frowned again at her uncle.

     “If you know what’s good for you, young lady, you’ll cut out all of this nonsense right now,” Ben steered her to the staircase.  “Run along and get your bonnet,” he ordered urging her on her way with a gentle push, “Or else I won’t wait for Adam to have his discussion with you later.”

     “Yes, Uncle,” she sighed and started up the stairs.

 

*          *          *          *

           

     Ben Cartwright was madder than a wet hen.  Josey had not only become Adam, she was worse than Adam!  He had hoped she would be charming.  She was anything but.  Shortly after they arrived at the Donahues’ ranch, Josey the ‘demure and ladylike little New England niece’ that Ben thought would ‘cinch the deal’ with the Donahue men turned into his oldest son.   She was barely cordial when John Donahue’s oldest son’s offer to help her from the carriage.  In fact, she snubbed both of the owner’s sons during her introduction to them.  When the conversation drifted briefly to politics, she opined that there would have been no question over Nevada becoming a state if women were able to vote.  Then she, a dyed in the wool coffee drinker, made a huge fuss because coffee was being served to her and not tea which, in her opinion, ‘was a more appropriate drink for a lady.’ When John offered to have his cook make her tea, she rudely ignored him and began to talk about the tea she had with the preacher’s wife the week before and how his cook could not possibly make tea as good as that.  Then somehow, even though she wasn’t having any, she managed to accidentally spill the coffeepot not only on her uncle but also on Mr. Donahue.

     Of course, given her other behavior, Ben wasn’t so sure it was an accident since he thought he saw her studying a column of figures surreptitiously while he and Donahue had a moment of peace and quiet before the accident. Ben, upon observing her interest, made a mental note to check the numbers himself.  But then the accident happened and while the two men were occupied mopping up the warm brown liquid, Josey snatched up the contract, glanced down at it and almost obliterated it by accidentally dropping it ink side down in the puddle that had collected on Donahue’s desk.  Ben apologized profusely, glared at Josey, rescued the document and then saw the $3000 mistake when he flipped it over.  After that, he cast a few sideways glances at her as she casually and quietly sipped a glass of water while he pointed out the error to John. The Cartwrights left with Ben shaking hands with John and his boys but with no logging contract.  Ben was none too gentle as he helped his niece back into the carriage.

     They were about three miles from the Donahues when he looked at the coffee stain on his pants leg and then across at Josey who somehow throughout the mishap remained stain-free, all prim and proper, holding her ruffled white parasol.  He had not said one word to her since they left John’s office in shambles, coffee everywhere.

     “You know, young lady,” he finally broke his silence drawing the carriage to a halt in the road,” I have never been so embarrassed and angry in my whole life,” he glared at her. “If I hadn’t promised myself this morning that Adam would be the one to mete out any comeuppance to you, you would be over my knee this minute!”

     “Have I done something to upset you, Unc? I thought I was acting just like Adam,” she insisted straightening herself in her seat.

     Ben counted to ten, then counted to ten again and again.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he spoke.  “Josephine, the boys were to cut firewood after lunch today,” he said in very measured tones.  “I expect you to take on Adam’s responsibility.”

     “Fine, Unc. I’ll do my usual best considering that I’m Adam and all,” she smirked and began to hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

     Ben again counted to 10, again contemplated putting her over his knee and once more counted to 10.

     “Is there something wrong with Jake?” she asked innocently when she noticed they still weren’t moving.  “I can always take a look at him,” she offered closing her parasol and standing up to climb out of the carriage.  ”After all, I am extremely well versed on every subject there is on earth.”

     Ben reached out, grabbed her by the back of her skirt and hauled her down in her seat hard.  “Josephine, you are insufferable,” he clucked to the big horse to move forward.

     “Just like Adam,” Josey reminded him, opened her parasol and began to hum again.

     Give me strength, Ben looked up to the heavens.  Then he started to count to ten over and over again until they were back at the ranch.

 

*          *          *          *

 

     Josephine, knowing perfectly well that her uncle was furious with her, jumped from the carriage and hurried into the house when they pulled into the front yard.

     “Where’s the fire, ‘Adam’?”  Joe called after the petite redhead as she disappeared.  He leaned back in the rocker and went back to his whittling.

     “Is everything all right, Pa?”  Hoss strolled from the barn as his father stepped down from the carriage.

     “Your cousin is impossible,” Ben moved quickly to unhitch Jake.

     “That’s not news,” Hoss chuckled, then sobered at his father’s expression. “So how did it go with the contract and the Donahues?” he asked warily.

     “I don’t want to talk about it, Hoss,” Ben started toward the barn with the big black gelding.

     “Let me, Pa,” Hoss took Jake’s lead. “Didn’t Josey help?”

     “Help? Help?” Ben glared at Hoss. “She’s lucky she’s still able to sit down right now.”

     “That bad, huh?”

     Ben did not answer him.

     “Hop Sing told me lunch would be ready in ten minutes, Pa,” Hoss tried to maneuver Jake around his father with no success.

      “Hoss, I’ll take care of Jake and be in in a few minutes,” Ben took the horse back from Hoss. 

      “I said I’d do it, Pa.”

     “I know, but I need time to count,” Ben said leading Jake away.

     “Count?” Hoss repeated, scratching his head. “Count?” he repeated it to Joe who was still sitting whittling.

     “Count what?” Joe looked up at his brother.

     “Pa,” Hoss sank down on the edge of the planter.  “He said he needed time to ‘count.’”

     “Count,” Joe muttered to himself and then his face lit up.  “Count to ten, Hoss,” he laughed.  “Pa always counts to ten when…”

     “Yeah, I know,” Hoss sighed. “Boy, Josey must have really made him mad if he’s still counting.”

     “How so?”

     “I asked him about the logging contract and he said he didn’t want to talk about it…”

     “So?”

     “He also said she’s lucky to still be able to sit down.”

     “Oh?”

     “Yeah, oh,” Hoss looked worried. “Josey’s gone and got in a whole mess of trouble with Pa, I’m afraid.”

     “She’ll be fine,” Joe was concentrating on a particular tricky curve in his carving. “She’s better than me when it comes to talking her way around Pa.”

     “I don’t think so this time, little brother,” Hoss shook his head. “We’ve got to save Josey from herself.”

     “Speaking of counting, count me out,” Joe closed his knife and put it in his pocket. “You’re on your own.”

     “But...” Hoss began to protest but Hop Sing appeared to complain about lunch being too cold to eat if ‘all Cartwrights not hurry to table.’

     “We’ll be in in a second,” Ben snapped suddenly appearing from the barn.

     The Chinese cook shuffled away muttering to himself.

     “How did everything go at the Donahues, Pa?” Joe grinned tossing his carving in the wood pile while Hoss looked at him in annoyance.

     “Later,” Ben mumbled impatiently. “Much later,” he started to count to himself again.

     Joe suppressed a giggle as he and Hoss looked at each other and followed their father into the house.

     Ben paused to hang his hat on the rack, tie his neckerchief around his hat and set his gunbelt down on the sideboard. 

     Joe and Hoss pushed past him, looked up at the staircase and stopped dead in their tracks.

     Oh-oh, Hoss thought. Pa’s going to…

     …hit the ceiling, Joe was also thinking as the three of them spied Josey slowly descending the stairs. Except for her long auburn hair, she looked every bit like a miniature version of their big brother right down to the black hat she was carrying in one hand and the book she was reading in the other. 

     Both sons held their breath as their father walked around them and approached their cousin who was continuing to read ignoring them all.  

     “Are you purposely trying to aggravate me, young lady?” Ben put his hands on his hips and glared at her.

     She still did not respond.

     “Josephine!” he thundered snatching the hat and book from her.

     “Did you say something, Unc?” she asked innocently batting her eyelashes at her very testy relative.

     Both Hoss and Joe noted that their father was counting again as he tossed the hat and the book on the table and grabbed Josey by her upper arm.  Any sane person would have realized the trouble he was in but not Josey.  She continued to smile sweetly at her uncle.

     Hoss thought fast. “Pa, now, doesn’t Hop Sing always say ‘He who angers you controls you?’”

     Joe looked at his brother in amazement.  This was definitely something his oldest brother would have said, not Hoss.

     Ben raised an eyebrow at his middle son, wondering if Hoss was now doing Adam imitations.  He knew, of course, that Hoss ever the peacemaker was trying to diffuse the tension between his father and the petite redhead.  It worked.  He took a very deep breath.

     “Quite right, son,” Ben smiled loosening his grip on Josephine and steering her toward the dining area.

     Hoss sighed in relief and followed the pair with Joe bringing up the rear. 

     “However,” Ben added assisting Josey into her chair, “Didn’t Shakespeare say ‘Mend your speech a little, lest you mar your fortunes?’ ” Ben looked at him meaningfully.     

     Not wanting to be left out, Joe offered, “ ‘A penny saved is a penny earned.’ ”

     “Like you would know,” Josey smirked just like Adam before picking up her napkin and placing it on her lap.

     “What’s that supposed to mean?” Joe demanded while Hoss and Ben chuckled.

     “Oh, nothing,” she straightened out the silverware and flicked a miniscule piece of lint from her plate. “It’s just that I’ve heard that you never seem to have more than two nickels to rub together the day after payday.”

     “Is that so?”

     “So I’ve been told.  Of course,” she smiled at Hop Sing who placed a bowl of chowder on her plate, “If you would just stay at home and read a good book every once in a while and not spend your time playing poker…well...”        

     Ben looked up very much interested in how many beans Josey was ready to spill about what she heard about his youngest son’s leisure activities.

     Joe also noted his father’s interest and decided to steer the conversation in another direction… that is toward Josey’s misdeeds of the morning.  “So, what happened at the Donahues?”

     “Oh, nothing much.  Just a little accident with a coffee pot,” Josey recognized the ploy and began playing with the kernels of corn in her chowder.

     “For a little accident, there was quite a bit of coffee – all over the place,” Ben added looking over at Josephine to see her reaction, “Including me,” he motioned to the stain on his pants’ leg. “And especially all over the logging contract which, as it turned out, had a very large error in calculations.  If I would have signed it, it would have cost us $3000.” 

     Hoss raised his eyebrows. Adam had casually mentioned to him the other day that the contract with the Donahues would have been a mistake.  “Well, then, that’s a good thing, isn’t it, Pa?” he brightened nudging Josey in the ribs.

     “Except ‘Adam Cartwright’ here,” Ben motioned to Josephine, “Was so obnoxious, Mr. Donahue won’t sign another contract with us for a very long time.”    

     “He actually said that?” Joe propped his head on his hand and watched Josey squirm. 

     Ben noticed a certain 5-year-old delight in Joe’s green eyes that some other kid besides him was in trouble.

     “Not in so many words but he did mention to me when we left that a wooden spoon taken to a certain impudent young lady’s backside might work wonders,” Ben glanced at his niece who pretended to ignore her uncle’s remark.

     “Oh, do tell?” Joe was really enjoying this.    

     “In fact,” Ben unfolded his napkin and turned his gaze to his youngest,” It probably would work well on a certain young man who gambles in spite of his father’s express orders too.”

     Hoss tried to suppress a grin as Joe gulped and scrutinized a particularly large piece of potato in his spoon in an effort to avoid his parent’s scrutiny.

     “You know, Pa, I’d just bet that you’d like a nice hot cup of coffee right now,” Hoss joked taking a long drink from his own cup.

     Ben chuckled recognizing the none-too-subtle references to their fellow diners. “No, Hoss.  Just a wooden spoon,” Ben looked meaningfully from Josey to Joe and sipped his water. 

     Both gulped this time.

 

*          *          *          *

 

     Joe glanced over at the figure dressed in black dutifully chopping firewood.  He chuckled to himself as Hoss came out of the barn carrying the two-man saw.  He too was studying the woodchopper with interest.

     “It’s hard to believe that dang little gal can go through a stack of wood like that,” the big man remarked as she smiled at them and wiped her brow.  She then picked up another piece of wood, put it on the stump and split in two. “I think she’s better than old Adam at it.”

     “I think Pa thought it would be some type of punishment for this whole ‘Adam’ mess, but she seriously seems to be enjoying it,” Joe giggled. “You know, if we can keep her chopping like this, we’ll have enough firewood for the next two winters.”

     “Well,” Hoss lifted a log up on the sawbuck and positioned the big saw’s teeth on its bark, “I guess you and I better start giving her something to chop, little brother.”

     Joe took another look at his cousin, shook his head, and grabbed the other end of the saw.

 

*          *          *          *

 

      Hop Sing frowned.  Little girl should not be chopping wood like a lumberjack even if she was to be Mister Adam for the day.  He glanced over to his boss’s desk and saw him trying to add up a column of numbers but he too was listening to the steady rhythm of the firewood cutting team outside his window.  The sawing was very slow and deliberate but the chopping was energetic.  He stood up, turned and glanced out the window to try to identify which of the three was doing what job.  He was stunned to see his little niece swinging the ax and even more stunned at the quantity of firewood stacked around her.

     “Hop Sing…” he started to yell but adjusted his tone when he found the cook right beside him.

     “Yes, Missy Josey chopped all that wood by herself,” Hop Sing knew what he was going to ask before he asked it.  “I watched her from kitchen. She get no help from sons.  You should make her rest. No good for girl to work so hard.  I bring out lemonade and make her rest.  You go talk to her,” he turned and left Ben standing there still watching Josey work.            

     Grudgingly Ben admitted to himself that Hop Sing was right, stuffed his hands into his front pockets, and strode out to the work area.  “Josephine, aren’t you supposed to be ‘Adam’ today?” he asked as she finished a down swing.

     “That’s correct,” Josey looked quizzically at her uncle, leaning on her ax.

     “Well,” he took the ax from her and steered her over to a chair on the porch.  “I didn’t hear you complain once about Joe and Hoss not working as hard as you are.”

     “That’s true, Josey,” Joe thought he also should take a breather and left Hoss hanging there with the big saw without the second man.  “In fact, we never get this much done because we’re usually fighting about who’s doing more work.”

     “Oh, I’m sorry,” the petite redhead smiled smugly.  “I thought it was perfectly obvious that I was doing more work than you two put together.  I didn’t know I had to complain about it too or I would have,” she stated her position so much like his eldest son that even Ben had to look at her in surprise.

     “What do you mean you’re doing more work than the two of us?” Joe’s green eyes flashed.

     “Well, ‘little brother’,” Josey lazily plopped her boots up on the table leaning back in her chair, “Let’s compare the size of the woodpiles,” she swept her arm dramatically toward her chopping area.  “Now let’s look at what you two have managed to accomplish,” she motioned to Hoss who was still standing holding the end of the two-man saw.  “It’s hardly a competition,” she took a sip of the lemonade that Hop Sing just handed her.  “Thank you,” she smiled up at him and winked.

     “But, Josey,” Hoss decided to jump into the fray, “You wouldn’t have all that wood to chop up if it wasn’t for Joe and me cutting it down to size.”

     “Not really all of it,” Josey straightened in her chair and put her lemonade down on the table.  She tented her fingers as Adam usually did when he had to explain complicated concepts to his younger brothers.  “You see, half of the wood I chopped was sawed by Virginia City’s substitute teacher of the year yesterday so by my calculations,” she leaned back in the chair again and closed her eyes, “You and your little brother only sawed half of what I chopped.  And dividing the wood that you two sawed by two,” she held up two fingers still with her eyes closed, “You each only did one quarter of the work that I’ve done today.”

     The petite redhead opened her eyes to find Joe and Hoss standing there gaping at her with their mouths open. “I see you concur in my analysis.”

     Ben smiled to himself.  Josephine was even better than Adam at confounding Hoss and Joe. “You know, boys,” he moved to stand between his two sons and rested his hands on their backs. “Josey’s right.  She has managed to outwork you two.  Of course, if she’s really supposed to be Adam today, then I imagine that she is also ‘bull of the woods’ like Adam.”

     Hoss and Joe looked at each other conspiratorially.  “I don’t know about that, Pa,” Hoss drawled sauntering up to stand on one side of his little cousin.  “Seems to me that old Adam had to win that title by besting all comers at the logging operation.”

     “Didn’t I do that already?” Josey was trying to figure out where this all was leading. 

     “Not exactly,” Joe folded his arms across his chest and moved to a position on the other side of Josey. “You not only have to outwork us but also outfight us,” he exchanged a quick glance with his brother.

     “And I don’t think that old Adam would be none too pleased if you lost his title for him, do you?”  Hoss also folded his arms over his chest and looked her straight in the eye trying to intimidate her. 

     She looked back at him as if she was somewhat annoyed.

     “That’s not fair,” Hop Sing who had been silently watching the proceedings spoke up.  “She just little girl.  She can’t fight two big men.”

     “It’s okay, Hop Sing, really,” Josey insisted handing the cook her glass and looking from one cousin to another, mapping her strategy.  “I can take you both on.  No problem.” She looked at her uncle with all the confidence of the heavyweight champion of the world.

     Ben held his breath hoping that the boys wouldn’t hurt her too much.  

     “Ha,” Joe laughed. “No problem,” he imitated Josey imitating Adam.

     “Just say ‘when’, ‘older brother’,” Hoss smiled broadly.

     Josey also smiled broadly gripping the edge of the table with her hands. “When!” she slipped under the table just as Hoss and Joe both dived at the spot where she had been.  They, of course, ended up grappling briefly with each other.  That gave her enough time to scamper out from under the table and upset it on both of their chests, pinning them to the porch floor so that they could not even move their arms.  She then put all of her 100 or so pound weight against the tabletop by sitting on it. 

     Ben was stunned.  How could this have happened?

     “Dadburnit, Josey!” Hoss fumed trying to move the table off of them. “Let us up!”

     “That wasn’t fair!” Joe protested struggling to free himself.

     “Whatever do you mean, Joseph?” Ben strolled around the table to address his youngest.

     “She cheated!” Joe yelled struggling to get free.

     “I most certainly did not!” Josey put more pressure on his side of the table by shifting her weight.  “Let’s face it,” she smirked an Adam-like smirk,” I out-worked, out-fought, out-smarted and out-foxed the two of you,” she added a superior laugh to the end of her statement.

     “Josephine, let them up!” Ben decided that enough was enough and ordered his niece. “The wood will never get cut this way.”

     “Not until they concede that I’m just as much ‘the bull of the woods’ as Adam is,” she stuck out her chin defiantly.

     Ben glared at her.  “Boys?” he looked down at his sons again.

     “You’re ‘the bull of the woods’,” Hoss rolled his eyes.

     “Joseph?”

     “Yeah, she’s ‘the bull of the woods’,” Joe reluctantly agreed.  “Now let me up!!”

     “Good. Now that that’s settled, what kind of prize do I get?” she looked hopefully at her uncle still not moving to release her cousins.

     “A good spanking,” Joe muttered under his breath.

     “Yeah,” Hoss added glaring up at her. “A real good one.”

     “You’re the boss of them now,” Ben, silently agreeing with his sons’ comments, picked Josey up by the waist and moved her out of the way while Hop Sing helped Joe and Hoss with the table. “That is, when it comes to this wood cutting operation,” he quickly added.

     “Well, men,” Josey brushed some dust off her black outfit and assumed a superior air, “I guess you better get back to work stacking all this wood that the ‘bull’ chopped.”

     “And what might the ‘bull’ be doing while we do that?” Joe looked angrily at the petite redhead.

     “Why, I’ll be supervising you and reading to you from one of Adam’s books to improve your minds,” she announced sitting down in the porch rocker and picking up whatever dusty volume her eldest cousin left lying there.  “Here we go.  The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare.”

     “Pa?” Joe looked helplessly at his father.

    “Sorry, son.  That’s the rules,” Ben clapped Joe on the back and started to follow Hop Sing into the house.

     “Ahhh, here’s Portia’s speech to the court.  ‘The quality of mercy is not strained, It droppeth as the gentle rain form heaven upon the place beneath…”

     Joe shook his head silently cursing his brother Adam and his cousin Josey. 

     Hoss sighed and held out his arms for his brother to stack wood in them. 

     “..Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes the throned monarch better than his crown….”

     Ben looked back to survey the work crew.  How soon before Adam returned from school and all this nonsense ends?

     “…His sceptre shows the force of temporal power, the attribute to awe and majesty, wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings…” she droned on.

     Not soon enough, he decided and went into the house to work on the books again. 

 

*          *          *          *

 

     Good grief, Ben thought going over the timber figures again.  How could I have missed this? He would have never discovered it if Josey hadn’t had the coffee accident.  Or was it an accident? He still wasn’t so sure.  Josey was, after all, extremely bright and probably did notice the mistake.  And maybe the knocked over coffeepot was intended to give the two men the chance to save face and find it on their own… which is what sort of happened, he guessed.

     The front door gently swinging open and Hoss entering with Josey in his arms interrupted his thoughts. 

     “The ‘bull’ here fell asleep,” his middle son explained quickly trying to calm any concerns his father might have. He gently laid her down on the settee and picked up a blanket to cover her.

     “She probably just tired herself out doing all that chopping,” Ben straightened the stack of papers he was working with.

     “Nah, Shakespeare always puts me to sleep too,” Hoss disagreed. “I almost found myself dropping off a few times,” he yawned loudly.

     “How’s the wood coming?”

     “We’re purt near done.  Maybe half an hour of stacking and cleaning up. Josey really did do alot of it,” Hoss grinned from ear to ear.

     “Hoss,” Ben motioned for him to come over to his desk.  “Is Josey really the ‘bull’ or did she maybe have a little indirect help from you in retaining Adam’s title?” he whispered looking his son straight in the eye.

     Hoss blushed slightly.  “Well, let’s just say in my book she is,” he winked at his father. “Joe and I will be in shortly.”

 

*          *          *          *

 

     Josey strummed lightly on Adam’s guitar, listening intently to its sound. 

     “Josey, you’re just asking for trouble,” Hoss shook his head sitting down beside his petite cousin on the hearth. 

     “You worry too much, Hoss,” she stretched her legs out in front of her. “Adam will be too tired to bother with me after teaching that pack of hooligans all day.”

     “Or else, he’ll be so gal-danged frustrated that he couldn’t beat any sense into them that he’ll try to beat some sense into you. Well, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

     “I’ll be fine,” she tried to reassure him.

     Looking for any kind of help, Hoss walked across the room to his father who still was seated at his desk trying to make some numbers add up.  “Pa, could you…?”

     Ben merely shrugged. “It’s her decision,” he muttered gruffly. “She’ll get whatever punishment she deserves in the end, Hoss, and the sooner the better.  If I hadn’t promised myself that it was Adam’s prerogative, she wouldn’t be sitting there so comfortably making that awful racket right now,” he raised his voice so that Josey would surely hear him.

     If she did, she ignored him continuing to tune the guitar.

     “Joe, maybe you can try to persuade her,” Hoss turned to his younger brother who was sprawled in a chair close to their father.

     “Persuade her? Ha! I agree with Pa,” Joe didn’t even look up from his reading.  “I was ready to wallop her at least three times today myself. And don’t you tell me you weren’t ready to either after that table incident. Bull of the woods, indeed,” he muttered under his breath.

     “Does this sound flat enough to you, Hoss?” Josephine called to him as she played a really sour C-chord.

     “It’s going to be a massacre,” Hoss sighed and returned to his cousin’s side.  He listened a few minutes to her playing but suddenly remembered what she was wearing.

     “Dadburnit, gal! I’d feel a lot better if you’d at least change your clothes,” Hoss nagged Josey, referring to her ‘Adam’ outfit. “It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. And stopped that smirking!”

     “I’m trying, Hoss. Honest.  But once you start, it’s really hard to stop.”

     “You know, you were only to do Adam’s job today,” Hoss tried another tact.  “Not be him.”

     “Yes, I know that,” she said impatiently.  “Here.  See if I’ve got the “off key” part down pat,” she tried another chord. 

     “Josephine…” Hoss was truly frustrated with his cousin.

     “‘Alas, my love, you do me wrong to cast me off discourteously,’ ” Josey sang in a full rich soprano.

     Ben looked up from his paperwork and Joe from his book.  It had been a long time since either of them had heard Josey sing and they had forgotten what a good voice she had.

     “‘When I have loved you so long delighting in your company’…”

     Adam chose that moment to come through the front door after a hard day of substitute teaching. 

     “‘Greensleeves was my delight…’ ”

     He quietly put his saddlebag and gunbelt down on the sideboard and moved toward the living room.  Joe and Ben finally noticed his presence.    

     “‘Greensleeves was all my joy...’” she smiled up at Hoss who sat beside her. 

     Adam set all but one of the books on the side table behind the settee.

     Ben rose out of his chair and came to stand next to Adam.

     “‘…Greensleeves was my heart of gold…’” she glanced up to see her eldest cousin, arms folded across his chest encircling a geography book, listening intently. 

     Joe not wanting to miss anything closed his book and joined his father and brother.

     “‘And who but my Lady Greensleeves.’”

     “Brava,” Ben applauded the efforts of his niece.

     “That was plum beautiful, sweetheart,” Hoss smiled broadly.

     “But I didn’t hear anything off key,” Joe piped up as Hoss kissed her gently on the cheek. 

     “Me neither,” Adam cleared his throat.  “The ribbons aren’t exactly my style,” he moved forward to touch one of them in her auburn hair. “However, the outfit is very familiar,” he noted taking his guitar from Josey and handing it to Hoss. 

     Josey held her breath as did the others when Adam pulled her to her feet.  He examined her attire at arm’s length, chuckled slightly and gave her a gentle hug still holding the large geography book in his right hand.  He then smacked her so hard on the rear end with it that she had to put her hands on his chest to avoid falling forward.  “Now, if you know what’s good for you, you better stop being me right this minute,” he ordered sternly. “Or else!” he held the volume poised about a foot from her backside indicating his willingness to use it again. “I’ve dealt with spoiled little brats all day so I’ve had a lot of practice.” 

     Her hands still resting on his chest, Josephine looked behind her at the distance between the book and her derriere and gulped.

     “Anything you say, Teach,” she grinned reaching up to pinch his cheek.  “I was getting tired of being you anyway.  All that frowning and scowling and …well…I was beginning to get wrinkles.  Anyway, there can only be one Adam Cartwright.”

     “Good girl,” Adam kissed her lightly on the cheek and released her.

     “Amen,” Ben took the geography book from his son, opened it to see what all was in it and turned back to return to his desk. “Maybe things can get back to normal around here and we can stop all of this nonsense.”

     “Of course,” Josey said with a twinkle in her eye, “Maybe there could be more than one Ben Cartwright.” 

     Ben stopped dead in his tracks, his back toward Josephine but facing his sons. 

     “What kind of things does Uncle Ben do around here?”  She asked her cousins innocently.

     “Oh-oh,” Adam muttered while Joe looked to God for some type of intervention.

     “Pa…” Hoss tried to think of something to say to defuse the situation.

     Ben took a deep breath, counted to ten and turned to address Josey holding the book behind his back.  “What kind of things does Uncle Ben do around here, eh?  Well, let’s see…” he took a step toward her, “He loses a timber contract because of his disrespectful niece’s rudeness and impudence while she pretends to be his oldest son….”

     The petite redhead gulped taking a step back from her uncle while Adam looked pleased.   

      “…He discovers while supervising a childish lunchtime squabble that his disobedient youngest son is gambling when he has been told countless times not to…” he shot a sideways glance at Joe who began to check the fireplace for dust. “He referees a crooked ‘bull of the woods’ contest in the front yard that is rigged by his conniving but well meaning middle son….”

     Hoss tried to look innocent as Joe, unhappy with his older brother’s betrayal, stopped inspecting the fireplace and glared at him.

     “…He endures endless Shakespeare and poetry readings, constant guitar strumming and insolent remarks from his smart-alecky oldest son...” 

     Adam really was confused how it was that he could be mentioned in his father’s litany of sins when he wasn’t even around today, but, under the circumstances, he wasn’t about to ask him for an explanation.

     “…He puts up with all kinds of nonsense and shenanigans and, with all that, he still finds time to do his own impeccable Adam Cartwright imitation,” he advanced toward Josey holding up the geography book so she could see it. 

     Josephine had retreated so far now that she accidentally backed into the bottom of the staircase and ended up falling backwards hard to a sitting position on the second step.

     “Care to see my Adam imitation, little girl?” he banged the large book against his leg and took her by the hand pulling her to her feet.

     She looked at him warily and looked at the book.  “No, thank you, Uncle,” she smiled nervously, rubbing her backside recalling the swat that she had received with it from Adam a minute earlier.   “I now understand that – like Adam Cartwright – one Ben Cartwright around here is more than enough.”

     “And don’t you,” Ben looked his niece straight in the eye, “Or any of you, forget it!” he pointed to each of his sons.  “Now you,” he jerked his index finger back at the petite redhead, “Go upstairs, change out of that get-up and get back down here in 10 minutes for dinner or, so help me, I promise I will wail the daylights out of you with this book.  Understand?”

     “Yes, sir,” she scampered up the staircase and around the corner quicker than Ben had ever witnessed anyone do so before.

     Ben then turned to his sons.  “Now as for you three, if I hear so much as a sigh out of any of you in the next 10 minutes, we’re all going out to the barn.  Understand?”

     They all nodded, not daring to make any kind of sound, even if it was “Yes, sir.”

     “Good,” Ben sank down in his red leather chair and opened the book again. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but silence in this house after the kind of day it had been was golden, he mused looking at an excerpt on the Sandwich Islands. Ah, he closed his eyes.  Palm trees… soft sand… native girls…no relatives…. and no Adam imitations…Paradise…

**************************************************

           

     Many thanks to David Dortort for his creation of Bonanza in general and the Cartwrights, Hop Sing and the Ponderosa in particular. The author does not claim ownership of any of the aforementioned characters. This story is not intended to infringe on any known copyrights. The author gratefully acknowledges the work of the immortal bard William Shakespeare, Warren Douglas (“The Prime of Life,” Season 5) and Jerry Adelman (“Right is the Fourth R,” Season 6) for certain elements used in this story.  Josephine Marie Cartwright © December, 2004, and Jake the Horse © December, 2004 are copyrighted characters belonging to the author. ALL INTERNATIONAL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED.

 

 

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