Measure
of a Man
By
Rona
“What
do you mean?” Ben asked, sounded perplexed. “What makes you think you aren’t
good enough for this girl?”
Shifting
miserably, Joe wished he had never brought the subject up. “I don’t know,” he admitted wretchedly. “I
just don’t feel I live up to her standards.”
For
once, Ben was at a loss for fatherly words of comfort. He sighed. He didn’t
want to be too harsh with Joe, for the boy – young man, he corrected himself sternly – was obviously very taken
with this girl. “Joe, what exactly do you mean by ‘standards’?” he asked,
hoping that this would enlighten him.
“Well,
sometimes when I’m with Elaine, I say ‘ain’t’ and she complains that I dress
too casually when I go into town.” Joe rolled his shoulders unconsciously, as
though the girl’s criticism was resting there. “And she says I hang around with
Adam and Hoss too much and we don’t live genteelly enough out here.”
There
were several comments that sprang to Ben’s lips at those words, but he manfully
bit them back. Joe was just 20, mature for his age in many respects, but still
young enough to be vulnerable in his emotions. Elaine was pretty in an exotic
way and Joe was not the first of the town’s young men to fall into her
clutches. This was Ben’s first close encounter with Elaine’s ‘standards’ and he
wasn’t impressed.
“Joe,
do you love Elaine?” Ben asked, having mastered his wayward emotions for the
time being.
“I
dunno,” Joe admitted. “She’s really pretty an’ all, and I like her real well,
but… you know…” Joe trailed off as though he didn’t know and Ben waited
patiently for him to continue. He wasn’t going to prompt his son. Joe looked up
at Ben and the father read the depths of the son’s misery in his expressive
green eyes. “I don’t think so,” he concluded.
“Joe,
you know the verse in the bible about charity? ‘I Corinthians 13:4 – Charity
sufferth long and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vauntheth not itself,
is not puffed up.’” Ben looked at his son as Joe nodded. “Charity is another
word for love, Joe. In other words, love doesn’t look for the flaws – it sees
them and accepts them. I don’t know what Elaine wants from you, but I don’t
think she loves you. Joe, you have nothing to prove to anyone.”
“It
doesn’t always feel like that,” Joe mumbled.
Ben
knew exactly what his son meant. Being the youngest himself, he knew what it
was like to follow along behind an older brother, reaching landmarks that had
lost some of their importance because someone else had reached there first.
Being the youngest was not always the picnic that everyone assumed. Sure, there
were benefits, but sometimes, the drawbacks seemed overwhelming. Ben’s brother
had not been that much older than him, but he knew from past experience that
the 6 year age gap between each of his sons could be almost insurmountable. Joe
was clearly going through one of those periods right now.
“Trust
me,” Ben soothed. “You don’t have anything to prove and certainly not to
Elaine.” He saw the pensive look on Joe’s face and went on, “She’s young, Joe;
it could be that these things she’s saying are meant to impress you with her
maturity.”
“What
do you think I should do, Pa?” Joe asked.
“I
can’t tell you that, Joe,” Ben replied. “The only person who can decide that is
you. Why don’t you think about it for a while?” Ben desperately wanted to tell
Joe to end his relationship with the girl, but he knew only too well that Joe
might dig in his heels and refuse to do so.
“I
guess you’re right, Pa,” Joe nodded. He got to his feet, not looking any less
troubled than he had looked before the talk with Ben. “Thanks.” He wandered off
outside and leaned against the corral rails, his eyes fixed unseeingly at the
middle distance.
************************************
All
that evening, Joe was silent. Ben didn’t tell Adam and Hoss what was wrong, but
he made it quite clear that any teasing would be out of line. For all that Adam
and Hoss were adults, they recognised the tone Ben used for that command – it
had been christened his ‘or else’ tone by a young Adam and they knew that
breaking a rule handed down in that tone was really serious. Neither had ever
felt compelled to find out what their punishment would have been, but Adam had
discovered the phrase ‘a fate worse than death’ and had applied it to that
tone. It gave both boys a real thrill when they were young.
That
didn’t stop them speculating amongst themselves, though. “Girl trouble?” Hoss
asked, as he and Adam took the coffee cups and pot back to the kitchen before
they went up to bed.
“That
would be my guess,” Adam replied, as he checked to see if there was any warm
water left to wash the cups. He hated to leave them for Hop Sing to find in the
morning. There was enough to wash the four cups, so he set to and Hoss dried
them. “I would think Elaine is a handful.”
“Sure
is pretty though,” Hoss mentioned, a trifle wistfully. He felt himself to be
too old for the exotic young beauty and hadn’t even spoken to her, but he
appreciated the feminine form, especially when it came packaged like that.
“Pity
the inside doesn’t match the outside,” Adam remarked. He had heard the same
stories as Ben, but first hand and didn’t doubt that Elaine was really no
better than she should be.
“Poor
Joe,” Hoss sighed.
“Poor
us, until he gets it out of his system,” Adam corrected wryly. But the smile on
his mouth told Hoss he wasn’t as unsympathetic as he sounded.
*************************************
A
good night’s sleep gave Joe the perspective he was looking for and he decided
that the best thing to do was break up with Elaine. There was a dance in town
that night and Joe did not want to go with Elaine. In fact, he didn’t want to
go at all now, so he decided to go into town early and see her. Then he could
return home and brood in peace.
His
resolve faltered at the breakfast table when Ben reminded his sons that they
had to get supplies that morning and it would require all of them to be there,
as they were starting to stock up for the forthcoming winter. Extra flour,
sugar and coffee had been ordered, along with some goodies that Hop Sing wanted
to put away for Christmas. It was late September. The snow could start to fly
at any time. Ben didn’t want to be caught on the hop.
“There’s
something I need to do in town,” Joe ventured.
“I’m
sure we can manage without you for a few minutes,” Ben replied casually.
“We
usually do,” Adam added.
“Allus,
in fact,” Hoss continued, grinning.
Joe
was overwhelmed with relief. He ignored the teasing, thinking about what he had
to say to Elaine when he reached town. Little did Joe know that nothing would
go to plan for the Cartwrights that day. Nothing.
******************************
The
trip to town was uneventful. Ben, Adam and Hoss watched Joe as surreptitiously
as they could, although he did sometimes catch them at it. Usually, they
offered a grin, as though there was nothing out of the ordinary happening that
day and Joe would smile back, although he looked rather preoccupied. As they
drew nearer the town, Joe became more and more apprehensive. He was dreading
his coming meeting with Elaine.
But
his meeting with Elaine was soon forgotten as they neared the town. Thick black
smoke smudged the skyline and Ben looked across at his sons, who were riding
next to him. “I don’t know what that is, but it looks bad. We’ve got to help!”
He snapped the reins and set the team into a trot. Joe spurred Cochise ahead,
his brothers close on his heels.
The
general store was on fire. The
“Is
everyone out?” Adam yelled and the fire chief nodded.
“Yes.
But we need to keep watch on the stores on either side!” He gestured to the
hardware store, with its stock of tars and other flammable items.
“Why
don’t Joe, Hoss and I start wetting that building down?” Adam suggested. The
Cartwrights had experience of fighting fires on the timber on their own land.
“Good
thinking!” approved the chief and Adam quickly rounded up his brothers.
“There’s
a pond down there,” he told them. “Why don’t you get a couple of the bigger
boys and get them to man the pump down there?”
The
equipment they had to fight the fire was primitive, but it was all they had.
Determination would win the day or the men would go down fighting. Hoss hurried
over to some teenaged boys and soon had their cooperation. Joe was already
dragging the pump down to the pond.
Normally
crystal clear and one of the better watering places in town, today the pond
looked murky. Joe glanced quickly around, looking for the problem, diagnosing
it from long years of practice working on the ranch. He saw at once that the
inlet stream was partially blocked by a tattered beaver’s lodge. There was only
one way to reach it, too and that was to plough through the pond itself. Joe
didn’t hesitate.
The
pond bottom was unstable and Joe stumbled several times. Luckily, he had a good
sense of balance and was able to keep his feet. However, he was soaked to the
waist and his boots were full of water. He was oblivious to his discomfort. A
strong sense of urgency kept him moving, until at last he was wrestling with
the old lodge.
Precious
seconds ticked away as Joe pulled out tree branches and mud. Still, the lodge
wouldn’t budge. Just as Joe thought he would have to enlist help, it gave and
Joe was knocked off his feet as the force of the dammed up water his him right
on the chest. He went over backwards and vanished into the water.
The
shock of the fall caused Joe to inhale sharply and he breathed in water. He flailed
desperately with his arms and legs, trying to propel himself to the surface,
but he had lost all sense of which way was up. If Hoss had not arrived at the
crucial moment and already been in the water, Joe might have drowned. But as it
was, Hoss grabbed him and yanked him to the surface. Joe began to cough
violently and water gushed from his mouth as Hoss half-carried him to the bank.
“Ya
all right, Shortshanks?” Hoss demanded, as he supported Joe for a few moments
longer, although the younger man was fast regaining his strength.
“I’m
fine, thanks, Hoss,” Joe replied, gratefully. He coughed again, but his
breathing was easier. “I’m glad you were there.”
“Me,
too,” Hoss grinned. “Joe, whyn’t ya go an’ give Adam a hand up at the store?”
“Trying
to get rid of me, huh?” Joe teased. He pushed his wet hair from his eyes.
“Nah,”
Hoss denied. “I jist thought ya’d dry out quicker by the fire.” The brother
grinned at each other.
“I
might just do that,” Joe agreed. He glanced back at the pond, but the boys who’d
come with Hoss were already fitting the pump. Everything seemed to be under
control at the pond end of things. “All right, I’ll go up and help Adam.” Joe
staggered to his feet, grimacing at the feel of his wet boots, but a glance at
the burning building was enough to make him forget his discomfort and he
hurried off to help.
****************************************
“What
can I do to help?” Joe asked.
Adam
looked in disbelief at his bedraggled youngest brother. “What happened to you?”
he asked. “Are you all right?”
“I
lost an argument with a beaver’s lodge,” Joe replied lightly, although he was
still shaky and coughing a bit. “I’m fine. What can I do to help?”
“We’re
trying to take out the most flammable items from the hardware store,” Adam explained.
“I’ll wet down this side. You could go in and help move things.”
“All
right,” Joe agreed and vanished inside the structure before Adam could ask any
more questions.
There
were several men already at work. Joe hurried over and helped one man pick up a
large crate. He almost groaned aloud when he felt the weight of it. Joe had no
idea what was inside, but he wished someone else had offered to carry it before
he got there! There was no conversation as the heavy item was moved, but once
it was set down safely across the street, the other man looked at Joe. “Is
being wet a good way to stop being burned?” he asked curiously.
“I
hope so,” Joe replied, unsure if the man was being serious or not. Together,
they hurried back across the street.
The
noise was tremendous. Men were shouting, the flames crackled loudly and
occasionally, there would be an explosion in the burning building. Smoke
drifted here and there on an eddying breeze. The fire company tackling the
blaze were streaked with soot. They were losing the battle, despite the help
they were getting from the town.
All
at once, the general store building collapsed in on itself like a pack of
cards.
Miraculously,
nobody was hurt in the collapse. Somehow, the men scrambled to their feet and
backed away, looking in awe at the fiery remains of the store. The moment
seemed to go on and on, and then the action resumed as the men continued to
throw water on the burning timbers.
In
the hardware store, the first the men inside knew of the collapse was the
noise.
“Everyone
out!” shouted a voice and Joe wasted no time in obeying. They had moved what
they could – everything else would have to take its chances along with the
store itself. He was almost clear when a
voice from behind him – in the store – called, “Joe! Help!”
Turning,
Joe saw that Hank Jones had tripped and fallen. Fire was snaking along the
floor towards him. Joe didn’t know why Hank didn’t get up, but he didn’t
hesitate. He ran back towards his friend and tried to pull him to his feet.
There was inexplicable resistance.
“Ma
leg’s stuck,” Hank panted, as Joe let go of him, overwhelmed by a fit of
coughing. The fire had caught hold of a roll of tar paper and thick, oily smoke
was billowing through the structure.
Kneeling,
Joe saw at once that it was only Hank’s pants leg that was actually stuck in
the hole. He yanked hard and succeeded in tearing the material. By now, the
heat was scorching the back of Joe’s hands, his ears and his neck. He wanted
nothing more than to be out of that hell, but he couldn’t leave Hank behind.
Once more, he grabbed Hank and pulled him to his feet.
Feeling
himself free again, Hank suddenly shook off the fear that had paralysed him and
gave Joe an unintentional shove as he raced for the door and safety. Joe
stumbled, caught unawares, his ankle twisted beneath him and he landed on his
backside. Hank didn’t look back as he raced outside.
Unhurt,
but shaken, it took Joe several seconds to climb to his feet. Just as he gained
them, a shower of sparks erupted around him. An unnoticed container of kerosene
exploded, sending flames shooting across the doorway. Joe ducked, instinctively
throwing his arms up to protect his head.
Miraculously,
Joe was virtually untouched by the explosion. The sting of burns went unheeded
as he gazed in horror at the doorway – his only escape route – which was now
ablaze.
***************************************
“Where’s
Joe?” Ben demanded hoarsely. Like everyone else round about, he was streaked
with soot and dirt.
Dragging
a filthy shirt sleeve over his face, Adam shook his head. “I don’t know,” he
admitted. “I lost track of him.” He coughed, a deep, harsh noise. “He was
helping take stuff out of here.” Adam gestured to the burning store.
Frowning,
Ben stood on tiptoe to survey the crowd, but nowhere could he see his youngest
son’s green jacket and curly hair. Movement at the door of the store drew Ben’s
attention and he saw Hank Jones come stumbling out. Mere seconds later, there
was an explosion and flames licked around the doorframe. Ben gazed at it for
several moments, mesmerised by the sight.
As
he turned away to pursue his search elsewhere, Hank let out a shout. “Joe!
Where’s Joe?”
Moving
with a speed he didn’t know he possessed, Ben was by Hank’s side in a
heartbeat. “Where was Joe when you last saw him?” he demanded.
He
knew the answer, but it wasn’t until Hank turned and pointed that Ben allowed
himself to despair. For Hank was indicating the burning building.
“No!” Arms were around Ben, strong,
familiar arms, loving arms that were stopping him from throwing his life away
in a useless gesture. Ben was not sure he could ever forgive those arms for
stopping him. How could he live with himself, knowing that he had done nothing
to help Joe? “Pa, ya cain’t go in there!” Hoss panted, holding tight to his
father, ignoring the painful pinches Ben was giving him while trying to pry his
fingers apart. Hoss knew why Ben wanted to go in; he knew how much he wanted to
go in; how much Adam wanted to go in. But none of them could do Joe any good by
trying it.
“Pa,
please,” Adam added and Ben heard the pain in his son’s voice and stopped
struggling. His shoulders slumped in defeat.
His
youngest son was dead.
************************************
Joe
knew he had no choice. He knew he might well die, but he had no choice. If he
stayed where he was, he would die, too. He tried to take a deep breath, but the
smoke choked him. Coughing, he began to run towards the door. His ankle hurt,
but it was a far away pain. His whole being was intent on fighting against his
natural instincts to turn away from the heat and the flames. He was terrified.
The
dive through the flames was a moment of hellish agony for Joe. Somehow, he had
buried his face in his hands, preventing his face from harm. He landed hard on
the edge of the boardwalk and fell onto the dirt street, rolling and rolling.
His damp clothes hadn’t caught fire. They were smouldering, but not ablaze.
Only his hands were burned.
“Joe!”
Ben was at his side in seconds clutching Joe to his chest, oblivious of the wet
clothes and reek of smoke. “Are you all right?”
Coughing
harshly, Joe couldn’t answer. He nodded his head, but he was fairly sure that
didn’t register with Ben. He opened stinging eyes and squinted at his family.
The pain from his hands was hitting him now, but he made no move to break the
contact with his father. His heart was still hammering erratically in his chest
and Joe was fairly sure that he would be unable to support himself should Ben
let him go.
“Let
me in!” The crowd parted slightly to let Doctor Paul Martin through and then
closed ranks behind him. They mostly seemed unaware how close they were to the
fire. “Joe?” Paul asked, kneeling down to peer into his face.
Coughing
again, Joe just nodded. The adrenalin was clearing his system and he was sudden
shaky and exhausted. He winced as he moved his arm and Paul nodded in return.
“Let’s get you off the street,” he suggested.
With
Adam supporting one arm and Hoss the other, Joe limped slowly across the street
on shaky legs. He coughed continuously, feeling that he wasn’t getting enough
air into his lungs. He was relieved when they reached the doctor’s office and
he was eased into a seat.
With
Paul crouched on one side of him taking his pulse, and Ben on the other,
looking anxiously into his face, Joe allowed himself to relax. He tried to find
a smile for Ben, but he didn’t think it was very successful judging by the look
on Ben’s face. “I’m all right, Pa,” he croaked, although the pain from his
burns was getting worse.
“Given
where you’ve just been,” Paul commented, “you’re in pretty good shape. Right, let’s
get these burns seen to. Any more anywhere else?”
“Dunno,”
Joe admitted. He coughed. “My ears nip.” He started to raise his hand to touch
one, but thought better of it almost at once.
“Hmm.”
Paul leaned over and examined Joe’s ears closely. “A bit red, Joe, but the skin
isn’t burned.” He looked into Joe’s eyes, seeing how red and irritated they
were. “Are your eyes sore?”
“They
sting,” Joe admitted. His eyes were watering and keeping them open was
uncomfortable.
“We’ll
wash them out,” Paul decided. “Anything else?”
Joe
started to shake his head, but Adam spoke up from his position behind Ben. “He
was limping,” he offered, his voice gravely from the smoke. “His right leg.”
The
pain from his burned hands was such that Joe hadn’t noticed his ankle. He had
forgotten about it completely. But as his boot was drawn off, Joe was reminded
of the injury as pain shot up his leg. He winced, biting his lip.
“Just
a sprain,” Paul told Joe, after he finished his examination. “All right –
anything else?” He grinned as he looked up at the youngest Cartwright. Joe
simply shook his head. He rose and went to a cabinet on the wall, returning a
few moments later with a syringe full of liquid. Joe winced again as the needle
pierced his flesh, but blessed relief from the pain soon swept through his
veins. Joe allowed himself to relax.
Despite
the painkiller, Joe suffered quite a bit of discomfort as his injuries were
treated. The world came and went in a most disconcerting manner, leaving Joe dizzy
and nauseous. He was relieved to find himself stretched out on a bed when it
was all over, although he had no memory of how he had got there.
“Are
you all right, son?” Ben asked, leaning over him. He ran a hand across Joe’s
forehead, brushing the hair back from his brow.
“Where
am I?” Joe asked. He sighed. “I’m… sore.”
“We’re
at the hotel,” Ben explained. “You drifted out on us, Joe.” He smiled, although
his heart wasn’t really in it. Watching his son suffer through the painful
treatment of his burns was something he didn’t want to go through again.
“Doctor Martin will be over to see you later. He had a rush of business.”
“A
rush?” Joe echoed. He glanced around and saw that Adam and Hoss weren’t there.
Panic flooded his being and he struggled to sit up, trying to shake off the fog
in his mind. “Adam! Hoss! Are they all right?”
“Take
it easy,” Ben soothed, holding Joe’s shoulders to prevent him getting up. “Adam
and Hoss are fine. They’re downstairs getting something to eat.”
Slumping
back against the pillows in relief, Joe closed his eyes for a moment. “What
about the fire?” he asked. He could still smell the smoke, but he didn’t know
if it was on the air, in the room or if it just clung to his body.
“Its
out at last,” Ben answered. He glanced at the window. A watch had been set up
to make sure that no stray embers could kindle another conflagration. In all,
three buildings had been lost to the fire and a fourth had been pulled down to
create a fire break. Several people had had minor burns, or got sparks in their
eyes and Paul had suggested to Ben that he take Joe to the hotel. He needed
peace to get some rest. Seeing the way everyone was gazing avidly at the
bandages, Ben quickly agreed. “Are you in pain, Joe?”
“A
bit,” Joe agreed. He hated taking painkillers, but this was one time when he
was happy to oblige his father and the doctor. “Pa, is Hank all right?”
“Thanks
to you, Hank is just fine,” Ben replied. “You did a really brave thing there,
Joe.”
“Not
really,” Joe denied. “Anyone would have done what I did.”
“Turning
back into a burning building?” Ben cried. “No, son, I don’t think many people
could have done that. I don’t think I could have.”
“Yes
you could,” Joe insisted. “I just thought about what you would do, and so I
went back,” he concluded. “I know you’d have rescued Hank.”
“I’m
touched by your faith in me,” Ben replied. It was true – he was touched. He
hadn’t realised what high esteem his sons held him in. Ben thought he was just
an ordinary man, working hard to make a success of his ranch and raising his
sons the best he knew how. Yes, the boys weren’t boys any longer and didn’t
need their father to tell them what to do or how to behave all the time, but he
was always there when they needed him. Ben didn’t realise how rare that made
him. “Now, how about something to eat?”
Feeling
suddenly nauseous again, Joe hesitated. “I’m not sure,” he hedged. “I don’t
feel that good.” Joe sighed. “I would like a drink, though.” He sipped
gratefully at the cool water and glanced towards the window. The shadows were
growing long outside. “What time is it?” Joe asked, startled to have lost so
much of the day. The last thing he really remembered, it was late morning. “I
was going to go and see Elaine!”
“I think
Elaine can wait for another day,” Ben scolded gently. “You’re not moving from
that bed. Now, how about something to eat? Some soup? That would be nice and
light for you.”
“All
right,” Joe agreed, although he wasn’t hungry. He laid his head back on his
pillows and tried to think of something other than the throbbing of his hands.
As his eyes drifted to the window once more, he could see the flames that had
been between him and outside. With a determined shake of his head, Joe switched
his thoughts to Elaine. He wondered what she would think of his actions that
day.
**************************************
The
night was a difficult one for Joe. His injuries were paining him and his sleep
was shallow and restless. Come morning, all the Cartwrights were hollow eyed
and tired. However, Joe was feeling hungry and managed to eat a decent
breakfast, even if it did have to be fed to him.
By
the time Joe was dressed – his clothes having been washed and dried overnight
at the Chinese laundry – Doc Martin had arrived to examine him. He was pleased
with Joe’s progress so far. There was no sign of infection. “Keep resting and
don’t try to do too much with those hands too soon,” Paul admonished him. “Keep
the bandages dry and I’ll pop out in a couple of days. If there is anything
that you’re worried about, don’t hesitate to send for me.”
Downstairs,
Hoss had a buggy waiting for Joe. Joe’s boots were still sodden, but he
couldn’t get the right one on anyway and he had to accept help in negotiating
the hotel stairs and getting into the buggy. Joe grinned ruefully at his
family. “Guess I’m gonna be keeping you guys busy for a few days,” he teased,
hiding his own discomfort at his helplessness.
“A
real man would never admit to weakness,” intoned a disapproving female voice.
Joe winced. It was Elaine.
“A
real man does what is necessary, miss,” Ben told her, his voice low and deadly.
His dark eyes bored into her, seeing past the dusky skin, wide dark eyes and
ebony hair to the spoilt, selfish girl that lay at the heart of Elaine’s soul.
He pushed past her to climb into the buggy beside Joe. He shook up the team and
drove away without casting so much as a glance at Elaine.
**************************************
“She’s
doing her best to destroy Joe’s reputation, Pa,” Adam commented. He did his
best to keep his voice neutral, but the anger was underlying it and Ben heard
it unerringly. “She’s casting all sorts of aspersions about him and you know as
well as I do that if something is said often enough, people start believing
it.”
“And
what do you suggest we do about it?” Ben asked. He was just as angry as Adam.
“Walk into town and hold a public meeting, telling everyone that Joe is not a
coward?” Ben shook his head. “Enough people know what he did for Hank Jones!
Why doesn’t anyone remember that?”
“You
got me,” Adam replied with feeling. “Elaine is even saying that she dumped Joe
because he wasn’t man enough for her.”
“How
do you measure a man?” Ben retorted scornfully.
“Perhaps
it depends on your criteria,” Adam replied, sounding suddenly weary. “In this
case, I think it’s because Joe remembered what you taught us and didn’t…” Adam
didn’t continue. He glanced down. “I never did think she was a nice girl.”
“Bad
mouthing her won’t change what she’s saying,” Ben reproved, “and it doesn’t
make you any better than she is.”
For
an instant, Adam looked as though he was going to argue with Ben. But the
moment passed and he sighed heavily. “I know,” he muttered. “But sometimes…”
Adam didn’t complete his sentence. “What are we going to do?” he asked.
“I
don’t know,” Ben replied.
In
the barn, Joe laid his head against the wall. He’d often heard it said that
eavesdroppers heard no good of themselves. He didn’t think this was what the
proverb had in mind. Joe didn’t know what to think.
**********************************
The
silence coming from his youngest son over dinner was resounding. Hoss eyed Adam
and Ben with a puzzled frown on his face, but there was nothing that they could
say to enlighten Hoss without telling Joe, too. But the sudden silence was
disturbing and Ben began to wonder exactly where Joe had been that afternoon
when he and Adam had been talking.
“Joe?
Are you all right?” Ben ventured finally.
“I’m
fine, Pa,” Joe replied tonelessly, pushing the food aimlessly around on his
plate.
The
others at the table exchanged a glance. Joe sounded anything but fine. Adam
opened his mouth to ask Joe if he had overheard what was said in the yard
earlier and then shut his mouth again. He didn’t want to bring it up, just in
case Joe had not heard. Perhaps Joe was just feeling blue. It had been very
awkward for him over the last few days with his hands bandaged up.
Feeling
at a loss, Ben replied, “I would like some of that food to make it into your
mouth, son.”
“I’m
not hungry.”
“Try
and eat something,” Ben coaxed.
“Pa,
I said I’m not hungry!” Joe snapped. “Can’t a man have a day when he doesn’t want to eat?” He dropped his fork
and threw his napkin down on the table before stomping off.
“What
were that about?” Hoss asked as the door slammed behind Joe.
“Did
you hear the inflection?” Ben asked. Hoss looked puzzled. Adam nodded.
“He
heard, didn’t he?” he asked.
Sighing,
Ben looked down at his own plate. His appetite had suddenly vanished. “He
heard,” he agreed heavily.
Looking
from father to brother in confusion, Hoss asked, “Heard what?”
************************************
“I
don’t want a lecture, Pa,” Joe announced when Ben found him by the corral.
“What
makes you think I was going to give you one?” Ben enquired, keeping his tone
mild.
A
ghost of a smile passed across Joe’s face and was gone. “Not even a lecture
about my table manners or lack thereof? You surprise me,
“If
you don’t know about table manners by now, I’ve wasted a great deal of my
life,” Ben replied. “Joe, did you hear Adam and I talking out here this
afternoon?”
“I
heard,” Joe answered. His voice was bitter. “So Elaine is telling everyone I’m
not a real man. So what? Who’s going to believe her?” Joe turned away to hide
his face from Ben, but it was too late. “Nobody who really knows me. As for the
rest – who cares?”
“If
you really feel like that, why are you so angry?” Ben enquired. “Joe, you know
you’re a man. You don’t have to prove yourself because some silly girl was
saying some stupid things.”
“How
do I know I’m a man?” Joe demanded, swinging around to face Ben again. “How?
When Adam and Hoss are sent to keep an eye on everything I do, or you are
following along behind to make sure I’ve done things right. Elaine doesn’t
think I’m a man and by the time she’s finished, neither will anyone else.”
“Joe…”
“No,
Pa, you know I’m right. There’s only one way to show Elaine I’m a man and I
can’t do that! You brought me up too well.” Joe’s eyes were blazing in his
face. “I don’t know what else I can do to prove myself to her, but I will,
Left
alone, Ben simply stood. He had no idea what to say to Joe; no idea what
actions to take. Joe had been hit when he was at his most vulnerable and the
blow hurt. Ben wished fervently that he could do something to ease his son’s
pain, but he was at a loss to know what that should be.
******************************************
The
rest of the week was wretched for Joe. He still brooded over Elaine’s betrayal
but hadn’t found a solution to his problem. Sometimes, when he woke in the night,
he imagined himself riding into town, going to her house… but there he ran into
a barrier – his upbringing. Even in his angriest imaginings, he couldn’t
imagine himself forcing Elaine to do anything.
His
family were forced to watch as Joe picked at meals and went around the house
surrounded by an invisible black cloud. It was very difficult for them. Ben
made several more attempts to speak to Joe without any success and when Adam
tried, he and Joe almost came to blows, with Joe bellowing that it was no
wonder Elaine thought he wasn’t a man, the way his family had to sort out all
his problems for him. The atmosphere soured even further after that.
So
it was with astonishment that they greeted the news that Joe was going to the
dance on Saturday evening. “Don’t you have anything to say?” Joe challenged,
standing with his back to the fire.
“Keep
a civil tongue in your head, young man!” Ben snapped. “There is no call for
rudeness.” He stared Joe down without too much difficulty. “I have to say I
find your decision rather surprising – and unsettling. Why are you going?”
“I
want to have some fun,” Joe replied, but his answer didn’t ring true.
“You’re
going to confront Elaine,” Adam corrected him.
“Aren’t
you the smart one?” Joe jibed. “I’m going to prove I’m a man.”
“How?”
Ben demanded. “By drinking too much and making a fool out of yourself? By doing
something you’ll regret tomorrow?”
“Elaine’s
not the only girl in town,” Joe replied. His gaze met Ben’s steadily. “I’m
going, Pa and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”
“You’re
not 21 yet,” Ben reminded him. “I can stop you.”
Taking
a deep breath, Joe drew himself up to his full height. “Don’t do that, Pa,” he
begged quietly. “Neither of us would like the consequences.”
“Don’t
threaten me, Joe,” Ben warned, although his face had blanched.
“I’m
not,” Joe replied. “I’m asking you to treat me like the man you say I am.”
For
a long moment, the older man and the young man looked at each other across a
distance. At length Ben nodded. “Be careful.”
It seemed
to Ben that he could see Joe maturing before his eyes. “I will,” Joe replied,
just as quietly. He walked purposefully to the door, grabbed his belongings and
left quietly. Ben gazed unseeingly into the fire.
“Shall
we go after him?” Adam asked after a long silence.
“No,”
Ben replied. “No.”
****************************************
Going
into the hotel ballroom was one of the hardest things Joe had ever done. He was
aware of every eye in the place coming to fall on him and although it wasn’t an
unusual reaction when someone entered the room, it seemed to Joe that everyone
gazed at him for far longer than was necessary. He kept his head up and fought
the blush that wanted to stain his cheeks. Smiling at one or two people, he
moved calmly into the room, pretending that he didn’t see the girls whispering
to each other behind their hands, or hear the derisive snickering.
Asking
someone to dance was as difficult as entering the room had been. Joe was by no
means sure of the response he would get, even though the girl was an old school
friend and already married to another school mate. Joe was pretty sure
Mary-Beth was someone he could trust and he was relieved to find that it was so
when she accepted his invitation gladly.
There
after, the atmosphere eased slightly until Elaine arrived a little later on.
She was with a new beau – Hank Jones. Joe blinked in surprise. Hank was a nice
guy, but he didn’t seem like the right type for Elaine. He didn’t have much
money and he was poorly spoken and usually untidy. Tonight, he had clearly made
a great effort. He was wearing a suit that was a little too large for him and
his unruly straw-coloured hair was plastered to his head.
“Poor
Hank,” Joe murmured to himself. He turned away to avoid meeting Elaine’s eyes and
helped himself to a glass of punch. It was overly sweet for Joe’s taste and he
put it aside after only a single sip.
The
band struck up a polka and Joe escorted Jane out to dance. Jane was young and
pretty and engaged to one of Joe’s friends. He smiled to himself when he
realised that he was playing safe with the women so far tonight. Joe didn’t
usually shirk a challenge, but he hadn’t asked any of Elaine’s friends to dance
– so far.
As
the music stopped, Joe took Jane back to her seat. Elaine’s voice cut across
the general hubbub in the room. “I am amazed that he’s got the backbone to show
up here,” she commented, not in the least perturbed when she realised that
everyone in the room had heard her. “After all, did you see the way he was
being helped into that buggy by his father? Pathetic, that’s what it was. He
only had a couple of little burns.”
Stiffening,
Joe couldn’t keep the colour out of his face this time. He froze in place,
waiting to see what would happen next. His temper was already flaming into
life.
“That
ain’t fair,” Hank objected. “Joe turned back inta the fire ta save me.”
“Be
quiet, Henry. I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Elaine chastised her hapless
date. “Joe isn’t a man – he’s a child.”
Turning,
Joe walked across the room towards her. A hush fell as people waited avidly for
the public squabble that was about to break out. Joe stopped by Elaine, a
strained smile on his face. He wondered what he had ever seen in this girl.
“You’re quite entitled to your opinion,” he smiled and walked on.
There
were exclamations of disappointment from all around. Joe had managed to hold on
to his notoriously short temper. Elaine’s mouth hung open in shock. She had
expected him to fly off the handle and show himself up. Instead, she felt as though
she had been shown up – and she was right. She had.
Beside
Elaine, Hank was still protesting. “Shut up, Hank!” she hissed. “You aren’t a
man either! You needed to be rescued from that fire!” She flounced off.
Hank
found himself beside Joe. “I dunno what ta say,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
“If
you were talking to Elaine, ‘goodbye’ seems to be a nice word,” Joe replied,
smiling. He forced himself to calm down. He saw Hank smile in response. “Don’t
worry about it, Hank. I think the only kind of man that Elaine could respect
would have to be able to walk on water, never mind run through fire. She’s
never been in the positions we found ourselves that day,” he went on. “Elaine
has no idea what she’s talking about.”
The
barbed comments went on all evening, and all the pleasure had gone out of the
evening for Joe, yet he stubbornly refused to leave before Elaine did. He got a
certain amount of satisfaction from dancing with quite a number of her friends,
some of who took gory interest in the still red skin on his hands. Joe grew
weary of repeating the story of what had happened.
At
length, the band packed up and everyone drifted to the exits. Joe was relieved.
He could finally go home and forget about the fiasco the evening had turned out
to be. He watched Elaine’s back going through the door and went to retrieve his
jacket, hat and gun belt.
Stepping
onto the hotel verandah, still fastening his gun belt, Joe heard a sudden
scream. Looking up, he saw a young man further up the street being knocked down
by the buggy horse he was trying to hold on to. It was the girl in the buggy
who had screamed. The horse bolted.
Standing
in the street, frozen in place, was Elaine.
**************************************
There
was no time to waste, no time to think. Joe put one hand on the balustrade and
vaulted over, landing on the run. He grabbed Elaine around the waist and
twisted around, practically throwing her out of the buggy’s path. He lunged for
the flapping reins, catching them more by fortune than design and was hauled
off his feet.
His
weight slowed the horse as he clung to the reins. His legs were bumped by the
pounding hooves and grazed by the ground. The shaft of the buggy stabbed him
just below the ribs. When the buggy stopped, Joe’s feet were just scant inches
in front of the wheel. He collapsed the few inches to the ground, still
clinging to the reins.
People
pounded to Joe’s rescue from all around. He was too winded to speak, feeling
pulped by his experience and in a lot of pain. Gentle hands uncurled his
fingers from the reins and Joe cried out as he was lifted. Something warm was
trickling down his side. Despite their attempts to be gentle, Joe felt
unbearably jostled by the people who carried him. He slid into welcoming
darkness.
***********************************
Odd
disjointed words slid through Joe’s consciousness. “Penetrating wound… cuts and
bruises… blood loss…” It didn’t seem to have anything to do with him, so he
didn’t listen. He just continued to drift in a warm twilight world. Then something
pressed down hard on his side and the pain drew him from the cocoon where he
had been.
“Easy,
Joe, easy,” soothed a familiar voice as Joe almost leapt his own height in the
air.
“Doc?”
Joe mumbled, forcing open his eyelids. They felt as though there was a ton
weight on each of them, but he managed at last, peering around blearily to see
that he was in the doctor’s office. “What… what happened?”
“What
do you remember?” Paul asked instead, wanting to check that Joe hadn’t had a
knock on the head.
“Uh…”
Joe swallowed and forced himself to think. “The dance and… a buggy…” Joe
grimaced with pain.
“That’s
what happened,” Paul smiled.
“Was
anyone hurt?” Joe mumbled, allowing his eyes to close again. The pressure eased
form his side momentarily and he winced as it resumed.
“Just
you,” Paul remarked cheerfully. “But you’re going to be fine.”
“What
about… Elaine?” Joe asked. He winced again and tried to move out from Paul’s
hand. “Doc, you’re killing me here.”
“You’re
bleeding quite a bit from a puncture wound to your side, Joe,” Paul scolded.
“Would you rather I let you bleed to death?” He didn’t wait for an answer.
“Elaine is just fine, thanks to you.”
“I
guess a real man would’ve let her be run down,” Joe muttered.
“Not
according to Elaine,” Paul replied. “
“Maybe
I have learned to walk on water,” Joe muttered and chuckled. Paul felt his head
for a temperature.
************************************
Stitched
and bandaged, Joe slept while he waited for his father to come and collect him.
No one knew why the buggy horse had bolted and there was speculation that
perhaps it had been stung. Joe didn’t care. His side hurt badly and he was
covered in cuts and bruises. He knew that he was going to have very sore
muscles come morning. The town appeared to be singing his praises again, but
Joe didn’t care. He hadn’t done what he did to get praise. He had acted because
that was his nature. He couldn’t stand by and watch someone get hurt if he
could help it.
It
was the early hours of the morning when Ben, Adam and Hoss all arrived. They
had brought the wagon with them. Joe was sleeping soundly, thanks to a hefty
dose of painkiller. Paul, yawning and dishevelled, brought them up to date.
“Joe
has a puncture wound to his left side, just below the ribs. It’s not as deep as
I had initially feared, but he did lose quite a bit of blood. He’s covered in
scrapes and bruises, thanks to being dragged along the road. There’s nothing
broken. Make sure he rests and I’ll take those stitches out in about 10 days.”
“Thank
you,” Ben replied and went over to gently shake Joe’s shoulder. “Joe?”
Stirring,
Joe opened his eyes. “Hi, Pa,” he yawned. “What are you doing here?”
“I’ve
come to take you home,” he smiled. “Correct me if I’m wrong, young man, but
didn’t I tell you to be careful?”
It
was a sure sign that Joe wasn’t firing on all cylinders when he nodded meekly.
“Sorry, sir,” he muttered.
Ruffling
Joe’s tumbled curls, Ben grinned. “I’m teasing you, son,” he chided. “Come on,
let’s get you home.”
Together,
he and Paul assisted Joe to his feet. Joe was momentarily overcome by
light-headedness, but after a moment, the world steadied. Joe found it was
almost impossible to stand straight due to the pain in his side, but Paul told
him he would have to make an effort to do so, regardless of the pain, or the
muscles would heal contracted and Joe would never stand straight again.
The
short walk to the wagon exhausted Joe and he was more than willing to snuggle
down amongst the soft hay and sleep all the way home.
*******************************************
“You’ve
got a visitor downstairs,” Adam announced, coming into Joe’s bedroom.
“I
have?” Joe wondered, blinking sleepily. “Who?” He struggled to sit up,
accepting help from Adam to do so.
“Elaine,”
Adam replied, the twist of his mouth eloquently conveying his feelings.
“Guess
I’d better get up then,” Joe murmured.
“You
don’t have to,” Adam replied. “Pa sent me up to ask if you want to see her.”
“Yeah,
I’d like to speak her.” Joe pushed the covers back. “Hand me my pants, please.”
Pursing
his mouth, Adam looked as though he had a few choice words to say, too, but he
held his silence as he assisted Joe to get dressed. By the time that was done,
Joe was more than ready to get back into bed, but he said nothing, only
accepted help to first stand and then make his way slowly downstairs.
It
took him a couple of minutes to catch his breath when he was finally sitting
down. He essayed a smile at Ben, but was too winded to speak. When he was
finally feeling more like himself, he became aware of Elaine watching him with
an open mouth. “Hi, Elaine,” he offered.
“Joe…
I…” Elaine seemed to be at a loss for words. Ben grabbed Adam’s arm and led him
to the kitchen, where they discreetly eavesdropped. “Joe I’m sorry.”
“Sorry
for what?” Joe asked. “For saying I wasn’t a man because I wouldn’t make love
to you? Sorry I got hurt?”
“Both,”
Elaine whispered. “I want us to be more than just friends, Joe. We’d be good
together.”
“No,
we wouldn’t,” Joe interrupted. “You were right to find someone else. You see, I
would never be able to live up to your standards. I do sometimes forget and say
ain’t and I do dress comfortably. I’m never going to change.” He shrugged. “You
accept me as I am, or we part company.”
“But
you could be so much more,” Elaine cried. “We could be good together.” She
glanced around the house. “We could do so much to make this house better. New
drapes and carpets on the floors. Joe, you could give up breaking horses and
concentrate on managing the ranch.” Elaine looked desperate. “Joe, I love you.”
For
a long moment, Joe simply looked at her. Hope flickered in Elaine’s heart. She
wanted Joe. She wanted him in the same way she wanted the nicest dresses and
the best house. He was good looking and together, they would be a very handsome
couple, the talk of the town. That was what Elaine wanted.
“You
don’t love me,” Joe told her. “If you did, you would love me just like I am and
not want to change me. I am who I am, Elaine. If I wasn’t good enough for you
before, why am I suddenly good enough now? Because I saved your life? I would
have done the same for anyone.”
Rising
unsteadily, Elaine looked at him. “I wanted you to be the kind of man I thought
you should be,” she replied, honest for once. “But you…” She glared at him,
suddenly angry. “You were always your own person, weren’t you, Joe? You had to
show me up, didn’t you? Why couldn’t you have been my kind of man?” She burst
into tears.
“I’m
sorry,” Joe said kindly. “It would never have worked between us.” He was
exhausted now and ready to go back upstairs. “I suppose,” he mused as she
walked towards the door, “it depends on how you measure a man.”
****************************************
Neither
Ben nor Joe mentioned the fact that Joe was well aware that his father had been
eavesdropping on the conversation. Joe was helped back to bed where he promptly
fell into an exhausted slumber, not waking again until suppertime, when Ben
decided that he had to eat.
Elaine
was never mentioned again. Ben didn’t feel there was any need. Joe no longer
needed to be convinced that he was a man. His measure had been taken and nobody
thought he came up short. Here was a man who would willingly lay down his life
for others and now everyone knew that, not just the members of his own family.
Taking
the measure of a man was always difficult, for each man was an individual. Ben
had no better examples of that than his own sons. Each one was a man to be
proud of.
The
end